Antifreeze…Finale.

The rest of the day was spent setting into mom’s at the guest room and us getting to take some time to rest before we all head out for the few things going on at evening and night here in town at memorial day.

Chris wears his uniform and so does Uncle Rothman who was in Vietnam. It’s interesting they’re both doing things together getting ready, watching the sort of regimined way they do everything is just. Well it’s really defining them in a good way for me. And Ben…I’m sitting on the couch hugging Stacy while we have some more chocolate and coffee and Uncle Roth and Chris are both answering his questions…they’re not graphic but they’re still honest and he’s got such a little-man look there.

We both kind of melt when they’re showing him how to shine his shoes. Oh my god he’s such an adorable little guy. He has this little boy look of concentration when they're doing the spit and polish thing.

We didn’t leave Molly out ourselves. We all got done up including her and making her all pretty and as girly as the rest of us with the hair and our make up. We all sort of pulled out the stops for this because of Uncle Roth and Chris were looking just so good. Even Shawn was wearing a nice suit. I think we needed just to do something else and we went out to the graveyard where they’ve set up a place for a speech at we listen to the eulogy and then they play Taps and seeing all the retired out soldiers there young and old male and female all saluting some proudly crying has me crying too.

Ben tugged at my dress. “You sad?”

I crouch down. “Yes but in a really good way.”

“Good way?”

“You know these people are heroes’ right honey?”

“Uh-huh like GI-Joe.”

“Well honey, sometimes the fight is just that hard that some of them died doing their job. So we’re sad they’re gone but we’re proud to remember them because they’re heroes.”

He gives me a little big man hug and I’m crying all the more for it.

Mom and Stacy’s a mess too even Tina and Sarah have been crying. I’m blushing at the looks that Chris and Uncle Roth are giving me. We stay to talk to a few people and accept their condolences and I’ve never been so ma’am’d in my life.

We join the bulk of them too even afterwards with a BBQ that’s being held outside the local VA Hospital on the little park by the end of the parking lot. Even here in my little town there’s guys that are still in rehab and recovery, that just got back from over there the hard way.

I’m choked up a lot here, I’m very emotional but in a good way. It helps with the shit going on with Steven and all of this. Hot dogs and burgers, sodas and just….doing this even just going to an even like this will change you.

I saw a semi circle of vets in wheelchairs talking and there were some there from Korea and Vietnam, some were there from age or something that happened and then there were the others from other places and ages right down to a couple of guys my age all talking…all in the same place but just watching them you get catch by that look in their eyes on their faces and the chairs were the last thing I noticed.

I actually really need this time to see things bigger than me and to be able to step out of the petty bullshit.

I get introduced a lot, service people and their spouses.

A few times there where looks when they get my name and stuff like they’ve heard and once things go on awhile they soon go back to normal. I actually have a good time and learn things as us women talk about being with military guys active or not.

I get cards and e-mails and there’s several service chat sites too where we can go now and talk and just deal that way.

It was a better way to end the day.

************ Tuesday we end up going with Mom to court over the stuff with Steven and He’s there and Janice is there and I’ve signed the paper’s mom’s lawyer had drafted up that say’s Me and Stacy and Sarah and Shawn all support the estate to be passed to Mom’s hands instead of dad’s last wishes.

The Minister in there as is Steven’s/the Church’s lawyer who is trying everything. From my legal status and challenging my status as a family member and as far as to say that dad was a member of the church and since his will was witnessed by the Minister that the will should stand as it is a church matter and not a matter for the courts.

Mom’s lawyer comes back with if the matters of church and state are being brought up then why is the church so concerned over my legal status when it’s a protected state matter and I’m not a member of their church.

Then my papers come out.

Then they argue my identity issue.

Our lawyer agues the case that Steven and my father were committing inheritance fraud and that with my consent we can do a DNA sample to prove who I am and compare it to the DNA evidence they have on file for me from when I ran away and they ran a missing persons case.

They even try the tactic saying because I left the family I had no expectations of inheritance.

It doesn’t fly with the judge and we get all the way into all of us talking about dad…and home…and the abuse we all shared there under him including mom.

I think when I looked at the judge and asked. “Your honor can I say something?”

“Yes Young lady.”

The Church’s lawyer tried even objecting to that. He squashed it right there.

“You’ve seen abuse cases? The bad stuff, the long term stuff right?”

“Yes Miss unfortunately so.”

“Then order x-rays, order them on all of us and get a doctor to testify about what they find.”

The Church lawyer objected.

They tried to get Steven on the stand. I watched him have such a hard time putting his hand to the bible to get sworn in. I think they really tried to get him to lie but he pled the fifth…it really pissed the Minister and Janice off at him too. I’ll say this he must have had enough personal faith that he couldn’t bring himself to lie.

He looked sad and hurt and tired getting off the stand.

It went through the whole day with three recess’s and coming back for lunch and the judge ruled for a complete audit of dad’s estate and ALL documents pertaining to it and the Church’s lawyer refused citing the separation of church and state exempts them from this unconstitutional demand by the court to look at The Church’s finances.

With the judge not allowing the case to continue he makes a ruling.

“Seeing as the Church will not abide to provide all documentation to the estates finances I am ruling at the majority’s family decision be granted and all matters of the estate be turned over to the wife.”

They said they’d appeal.

The judge said in response. “You are entitled to that appeal but I in good conscience will have to see that a continuance of this case would see the legal costs applied to the estate and all its adjoined bodies. And that with something so close being too complex for just this court the IRS would likely be brought in to investigate the entire case and estate…Along with its adjoined bodies.”

The Church’s lawyer protested. “Your honor bringing the IRS into this matter is hardly keeping with the separation of church and state.”

“No, but it does speak to the protection of those here involved in this case that they be equally protected under the law and perhaps the IRS will be interested in why the church is so involved in a matter as a legal will?”

There was some hushed talking.

They ended up conceding the case and leaving mom with the dealings of dad’s estate.

We were happy and The Church contingent left pulling Steven along in their wake or rather Janice did. If looks could kill then she’d have taken us all out.

I wondered just what exactly they didn’t want people to know?

I was pretty sure that even the judge had smelled something fishy.

************* Wednesday is quiet with the bulk of the day with me going to the government offices in town with my papers and Mom and getting my birth certificate re-issued with my female status on it.

I get a picture ID too while I’m there and yes I’m still using Shane Starr. I know that things are getting better with my family but I have so much stuff going on home.

That afternoon we’re gathered at the courthouse for the reading of the will and dad’s assets. We’re using one of the offices they have for doing arbitration. It’s safer that way with all the stuff involved plus Steven and Janice is there and their lawyer plus of course the Minister is there as their. “Spiritual advisor.” We even have someone there to be the arbitrator.

There was fighting…well arguing and it all boils down to this. Dad had gotten more money than we did from the aunt in her will he had gotten close to a half a million dollars in her old property and he had leveraged that property to get Steven set up in his own shipping company. Mom wasn’t told about any of this and as his spouse she should have been legally at least informed about the money and had a say in where that money was to go.

Steven looked shamefaced and he was quiet as it had come out and then there was the fact that dad owned fifty percent of Steven’s trucking company and that the Church had owned to rest in combination with Janice’s family and that with him as executor of the estate there was literally nothing to give out to the rest of us or to mom other than what were the property and the house. All he had to do was state that the estate was facing financial trouble from a bad investment from dad investing in Steven’s company and that what life insurance he had would be used to pay that debt.

It was true to a point. Steven had taken some losses when the economy had tanked and they were as a company in debt. The bulk of the money from dad’s insurance would have bailed him out of the financial hole that he was in.

But once he was out of that hole and the debt paid as dad’s business partner and not his family he would retain dad’s half of the company and he would only have to tell us that it was used to cover dad’s debt with the company through the bank.

Plus he’d be entitled to twenty percent of whatever insurance money was left after that.

And me and my fourteen thousand? Why dad had wanted to have me declared legally dead? I honestly don’t know. I think, think that it had something to do though with Janice.

Oh she was mad as hell even if she wasn’t threatening me this time. And she kept staring at me through all of this like it was my fault. The Minister first tried to bluster his way through.

“Scott was a member of the church and any investments he had made with the church are church business.”

Tina answered back with. “We can sue the church and get you all arrested for fraud.”

Shawn stared at Steven hard. “Why? Why the hell did you and dad not tell mom or the rest of us any of this?”

“Steven is a man Shawn he isn’t required nor was Scott to tell any of this to him wife who was supposed to be loyal and silent.”

It went back and forth like that.

Long-story-short…

Mom owns dad’s half of Steven’s trucking company and she has broken up those shares of it five ways one for her and the other four between the other four of us kids.

Of course this hasn’t set well with Steven or the church he’s in and especially Janice. We were leaving the court house with just more paper work ahead of us and the church promising to fight all of this and get what was rightfully theirs.

Rightfully theirs?

Oh apparently they require a tithing of twenty percent of the income of the members of their flock. And once paid off that would have been a hundred thousand dollars…or my share or what will be my share of the company….or Stacy’s or Sarah’s or Shawn’s.

Or Mom’s.

And with me not included that would have been a hundred and twenty five thousand even if the others had found out about this and not me.

I thought that it’d hurt less if the amount was more than just the fourteen thousand but it still hurts that they wanted me completely out of the family.

Chris and Uncle Roth are sure that Janice knew and was part of the whole thing and if I had found out about the fourteen thousand I would have been so greedy and so against my family that I’d have hired some heathen ambulance chasing lawyer to see what else I would be able to squeeze out of the family and I would have stumbled onto their little game.

In the end I’m just shaking my head. “So just because they thought because I’m this thing in their image of what I might be like they tried to take me out of the family and that’s why mom ended up finding me in the first place?”

Chris nods. “Sounds like karma to me.”

I just sigh. “I’m glad that’s settled but I’m not staying here until we’re done all the stuff for court who knows how long that this will take.”

Chris smiles. “Yes, I think that it’s time that we went home.”

First things were first and we clear that with the police and we get my inheritance money from the bank account where it was held in trust and the first thing I do is take a thousand and give it to mom.

“Shayne…? What’s this for?”

“It’s some mad money.”

“Shayne I don’t need mad money.” She’s smiling though and tries to pass it back. I put my hand over hers. “Mom, when was the last time that you spent anything just on you, on just something that you wanted for you?”

She’s blinking.

“See you can’t remember. Take it it’ll make me feel better.”

“Okay…okay…”

I have two savings accounts set up one for Molly and one for Ben and there’s a thousand that I put into each. It’s not much it’s just a start but I’ll leave it there and maybe add to it here and there bit by bit until there’s something there. Heck if they get into university that can be a whole lot of stuff they might need even if it’s not tuition.

I have that and a thousand for Stacy.

“Shayne…no you’ve already spent too much with the groceries and everything.”

“Yes and you got shafted by that ex of yours when he left. I love you, this is something I really want to do Stace please…I just got all of you back. And I’m all the way out in Los Angels and you’re here…just let me do what I can.”

“But…”

“No, no buts okay?”

She’s crying and nodding that its okay and we have a really big cry together.

Sarah and Shawn I don’t get anything for. Sarah seems alright moneywise even if she sort of seemed quietly put out that I didn’t give her money too. And Shawn wasn’t fazed at all since he is making good money.

Actually he and I have lunch just the two of us at a place the kids used to go and shoot stick at and we have some subs and share a bowl of Fritos covered in chili. We just sort of hang and he and I agree to at least together pay into a family health insurance policy and to cover mom and Stacy and the kids. We’ll figure it all out but it’ll give him and I stuff to talk about.

We love each other but other than playing pool and eating and just little bits of stuff our small talk is trash. We both need practice doing that and getting to know each other.

Shawn is being a darling though and he’s getting us all Skype since he can get it dirt cheap.

That was one of the last things that I ended up doing before we leave for home. Honestly I cried happy but sad tears too for the first hour or so of the drive. The trip back is another two days longer than the trip up and we just take our time and there’s so much less stress this time because so much has been faced and so much has happened and we’re a lot more intimately connected.

But honestly I was happy to see my Los Angeles again…the sun and the smog and my palm trees and just everything…just everything.

*************************** I quit no I retire from working at the club. I took three grand and paid Michelle off all that I owed her and we have a going away party for me and it was nice. I got to take some of the stuff from work home as keepsakes and the girls got me several nice things and even the other staff too.

Hey, free stuff especially gifts cards for places where I can buy clothes is always a plus.

I don’t really do a whole lot for the first three days home from the trip and it’s really just me getting used to being home at nights. Chris is really busy too with a bunch of back orders that had came in that he didn’t want to turn away because they were regulars and they’re his bread and butter.

But after those first three days I start getting back into the swing of things and I get my California ID’s fixed and it was less of a hassle than I thought with them just changing things on my drivers license…there was a point where I was scared about lying about my age and stuff but the clerk at the DMV just took my saying that I had to get my ID fixed since I had things changed with my new birth certificate back home and my ID card and he really didn’t want to know anything more than that he just kind of took it as a clerical error from my change of gender and corrected the age and DOB with the update. I took my new picture for my license and that was that.

I could have said more but I’m not about to borrow trouble when I didn’t really need to. My car insurance pretty much went the same way. I’d never been in an accident or had a bad driving record so they didn’t really look that hard either. In fact even changing my work file at Trader Joes wasn’t a hassle. Well Gary handled most of that and when I was telling him about how things had gone and how things with my ID’s have gone he smiled and shrugged.

“You’re transgendered Shayne, people see that and they really don’t want to get into a fight with you over something that’s an easy fit. There’d be a lot more hassle if they did and you came at them with something like the ACLU.”

“Okay, I guess that makes sense.”

“It does or it’s a good reason not to and if main office ever comes to me about this I’ll say that’s exactly why I just fixed it.”

“You think that they will?”

“No, not really to them you’re just another employee and honestly having a good worker like you is more important than someone making a fuss over nothing.”

And nothing did come of it. I was still nervous all the way to my first paycheck back and when nothing happened it was still a huge relief. I think maybe part of me was waiting for Janice or Steven to maybe cause trouble. But it was just me…it was just me going with my habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

********************* Well it did and that other shoe?
Chris asking me if I would go home with him to Maine for Thanksgiving. It was quite the time and I’ll have to tell that story later….promise. I will say one thing. I’m more than sick of airports for quite awhile thanks very much.

**********************Every thing had just started to settle into normal. Well more normal that I’d really known. Chris and I have started dating and not just the stuff we had been doing and the whole good for each other hooking up stuff but actual real dates. We’re still taking our time though and we still have our own places but it’s still good. Hell it’s better than good it’s real.

I’ve started talking an online GED course at home at nights. I had the Skype stuff sent and set up for me through Shawn or rather he footed the bill for it and we all tend to talk after supper sometimes which in itself is weird and a really good thing.

We also have been talking about Steven and our shares and stuff with mom too. We came to a decision and we’re going to be having a family meeting over it at Christmas.

We take both vehicles and we head out foe home on the twentieth to give us lots of time to get there and I’ve lots of stuff with me for everyone and I’ll admit that most of it’s touristy kind of swag and all that stuff that just screams California and Los Angeles.

You know I had fun actually getting some of this stuff. I got to go to places that I had never been to my entire time that I was out here. It’s even some of the places that Chris and I got to go to on dates.

Is it weird that I liked going to the LeBrea tar pits? Benny’s going to love the dinosaur swag I got him.

It’s a long drive and we’re hitting some pretty iffy weather and I’m being really careful I’ve never actually driven in snow before and the roads near home are getting pretty bad and the storm gets pretty bad and Chris and I stop into a rest stop with a diner just outside of home to wait out the worst of the snow storm and to wait for the snowplows to be out on the roads.

Steven’s there having pie and coffee and…and Janice is there working in a waitress get up a far cry from the high end clothes that we had always seen her in.

The look she gave up would kill.

We sit in her section because…well would it have been rude if we hadn’t and we also get something to eat. I’m a little leery but I go with the chicken pot pie and coffee but I take a long look at the food when I get it.

Steven comes over and he quietly takes a seat close to ours. “Something wrong with the food Shayne?”

“Honestly?”

He nods.

“I’m looking for the loogey.”

He almost, almost smiled a little. “I’m sure she didn’t do that.”

“Oh she hates me pretty much that much I think Steve.”

“Yes, she pretty much does.”

“And you?”

He just sips his coffee and he looks at me. “You…you messed everything up Shayne, why couldn’t you just stay away?” he’s not mad or shouting he’s just tired.

I look at him. “Steven…I had no idea that anything was going on until dad looked me up, and when he died mom called me…so I came. I was scared as shit to come home but I came.”

“Why? You should hate all of us for what we did or what we didn’t do to keep you safe.”

I shrug. “I had too, just had to just to see even if it broke my heart doing it Steve. And I don’t hate any of you even you despite you being a huge fucking horse’s ass.”

He looks at me. “You don’t? Why?”

“Because dumbass you’re my big brother and as much as you’ve just sucked I can’t really hate you. You’re the oldest…which means that dad had hated on you a whole lot more than the rest of us…and if what we think was true with how he was…he took out having to marry mom on you and mom…”

He just stares at me…and he’s red in the face and his bottom lip is shaking… “Shayne…”

“I can’t even guess what happened Steve, I can’t you’re two years older that Shawn, that’s two more years in dad’s hell.”

“But, but how can you just…”

“Because you’re my family, you’re my big brother and I want to choose to love you rather than hate you….and….and…all this revolves around dad and his abuse. I don’t think anyone of us wasn’t messed up around him and what he did even now.”

I look at Chris and he nods. “We’re a family with PTSD…”

Steven nods and he wipes at his eyes with some napkins and Janice takes notice and she comes storming over to where we’re at. “Get out, get out haven’t you done enough already…you’ve wrecked our lives.”

Steven sniffles. “Jan…no it’s mot like that…”

“Bullshit Steven, he blows back into town and just like we thought he did nothing but flaunt all that perverted gay stuff in our faces and…”

“Enough Janice! Shayne’s not like that, she’s actually a decent woman.”

“She’s not…”

“Don’t finish that sentence…”

She glares at me. “See you’re doing it again…mu family barely talks to me, our church barely speaks to us are you happy?”

I look at Steven then her then Steven. “They’re not talking to you?”

He frowns. “No, we…Minister Bradshaw has stopped talking to us…we weren’t strong enough to face you down he said and that its gods will that we be punished for our sins.”

“Your sins?” I’m not going to list off the list of the things he’s done to me…besides I have a feeling that the church was okay with the way that they were treating me.

Steve stares at me hard and so does Janice. “When you settle up and take your shares my company is wrecked…we won’t be able to pay you all back and still have enough trucks on the road to keep afloat. It’s tight as it is.”

I smile at him. “Then don’t.”

“Huh?...no Shayne seem if we pay off the money from the investment dad put in and we gave you the money we owe you we’ll be shutting the doors.”

Janice hisses. “That’s why we’re working here because we’re not taking a salary.”

“I said then don’t.” I smile at them both. Yeah, even Janice.

They look confused.

“Look Steven we’ve been talking about stuff and we’ve decided that instead of taking our shares that we’re going to be leaving things as is only with our names on the dotted lines too.”

They look really confused.

Chris and I explain that we did a lot of talking and a lot of soul searching and that we decided that it wasn’t worth losing him over money. We talked online and on Skype about it until we decided that we’d be family partners and that we’d only take and split our profits after he was paid a decent wage that we could all agree on.

Even Janice looks stunned enough to shut the hell up. Okay I don’t really mention how hard it was to get Sarah to agree to it…I love my sister but she has some real it’s mine issues.

“But…but Shayne…”

“Why?” Janice asks looking like she can’t get it at all but there’s tears in her eyes.

“Because he’s our brother, we’re family and that means a lot to me, to all of us…Steven We love you.”

“Even after…?”

“Yes dammit even after!” I laugh then I squeak in surprise when he grabs me and he yanks me into this hug…huge hard to breathe hug…but he’s crying, he’s crying and he’s shaking and mumble-sniffling into my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Shayne…I’m sorry…”

“Its okay, its okay but it was supposed to be your Christmas surprise.”

God he shakes some more but he does this little laugh-cry thing…just about breaks my heart.

I rock him back and forth and Janice dries her eyes and stares at me before getting up and heading back to work…she shot me a glance but it wasn’t hate…it was confusion mixed with a little kindness? Honestly I think I freak her out on some level she was schooled to hate and fear and that’s clashing now with exposure to real life.

Hey I’ll take it it’s a start.

We stay and we wait for the roads to open back up and it’s nearly morning by the time that happens and the next shift had come in with the plows when they went by or enough of them that Steven and Janice are getting ready to come home with us.

It’s colder than hell out and I really should have left the car running and I get in and we wait until we can follow the snowplow into town and we’re going really slow and it’s Steve and Janice in the car ahead of me and Chris in his truck behind me and we’re all following the plow like a little family caravan.

I’d just turned the radio onto the local station and Jingle bell rock starts playing over the speakers and I’m trying to sing along with the words when I see Steve’s car slip side ways and I slow down and we’d have been okay if someone in a four by four truck with a plow blade hits the nose of Steve’s car spinning it around.

Of course like an idiot I hit the brakes and start going out of control.

I remember hitting something broadside and the next thing I know I’m rolling.

I’m pretty sure it’s a downward roll…the definitely sure and I hear this sick cracking and smashing through sound and it’s not the window? I’m upside down and stunned and still trying to get what happened straight in my head when I hear the sounds of water trickling in…

Crack…!

Crack…!

Then I drop again just a few feet but these a sloshing sound and all I see through the windows is dark black water and it’s coming in!

I’m fighting and trying to get out of my seatbelt and there’s water coming in and it’s cold!

So fucking cold!

I hear this bumping an scraping sound and I can just sort of tell…my car…it’s moving…it’s moving and I’m trapped under all that ice…

I try…I try to fight it and try to jam anything into the places I thing that the water is coming in by…

Until I’m so cold my fingers get numb…the I get sort of cold but warm and really sleepy.

******************** I wake up with pain like fiery pins and needle all over my body and Chris’s face hovering over mine. He literally tears up and shouts. “She’s alive! Here! here!”

I hear Steven too taking up the yelling for help and see him completely soaked too just like me and Chris.

Chris…Oh Chris…I just about lost this didn’t I? I sit up coughing a little bit trying to get the water out of my lungs. I look at him and I’m…god actually I’m so glad that I didn’t lose this…didn’t lose this chance.

He looks at me and he reaches up and holds my face in his hands cupping me like no one else has in my entire life. My hair’s getting frozen by the wind and I’m freezing but I’m not feeling it. Chris is looking at me like…even drenched and the water on us freezing to ice I can tell he’s crying.

“Shayne…god Shayne you had me so scared.”

“Chris…?”

“I’m dreaming right?”

“No…”

“I’m not dead?”

“No…”

“You found me…”

“Yeah…”

“How…all that ice…all that water…?”

“Love…Shayne, it was love…God girl you’re like some kind of magical anti-freeze, you came into my life and it was like everything that wasn’t working suddenly did…I could move again…live…I love you so much Shayne, I kept feeling your love and it kept me warm.”

“Yo…you’re delusional…” I say shivering with my teeth chattering, almost laughing…I’m that sort of nearly hysterical.

“No…I’m not…Marry me.”

“What?”

He pulls me to him by my face…pulls me right in and kisses me with that kind of passion and need and fire like that kiss from every movie that made and that made you ache for someone to kiss you like that…

Chris is kissing me like that and…I feel it.

Love, touching my heart, getting pumped through my veins and filling me up until I’m not feeling the wet freezing cold and all I’m feeling is love.

Sometimes love can move mountains.

And sometimes love can keep you alive.

Sometimes love is just…

Antifreeze.

I see flashing lights a red and blues and the police and the snowplow’s stopped there too and they’re coming down the bank for us.

I put my head on Chris’s chest.

“Yes.”