College Girl
By poetheather
Chap 6

I guess I must have looked a little scared at that realization; I know I felt it. I had effectively agreed to give up four years of my life for this. How in the hell had I not managed to figure that out until now? What the hell was I going to do? I didn’t want to be a girl for four years. I took a drink of my water. It was a big one and I almost choked on it. I coughed and the two girls patted me on the back as I tried to catch my breath.

“Relax Caitlin, its okay. Trust me, if you stay with this I will make sure you are okay, as will the house. I will keep you safe Caitlin, I give you my word.” whispered Meredith in my ear. From the look on Rebecca’s face she heard it as well.

“You promise?” I could hear my voice shaking almost as much as I was inside. The worry must have been clear on my face as the two girls shared a look of concern.

Meredith looked right in my eyes, very focused and determined. She looked much more serious than I ever had seen her look before. It was a little terrifying. “This whole plan revolves on my ability to transform you. If you are not happy and want to quit at any time, I mean really quit, I will ensure it will be done in a way to keep your identity safe and keep the house from looking bad. If any of the sisters give you grief, tell me and I’ll fix it. I really like you, Richard, and I do want to make you happy with whatever your plan is.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. If Meredith was this focused and concerned I could relax. It was scary but I had come to depend on her heavily in the last week. I also had to admit that I have had fun while going through this whole insane project. It was definitely different and interesting. Sure, it felt weird but I’m enjoying it so far. Aren’t I? It’s like I am fooling the whole world, not just screwing with a group. And if I believe in equality I should be able to walk a mile in the others shoes, right? I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “Okay. I’m better now.”

Rebecca stopped looking as worried and took a drink of her iced tea, slowly and carefully. I guess she didn’t want to choke on it like I had with mine. I was glad she was still my friend even through this stupid idea.

“Tell you what.” said Meredith, “Let’s go back to the house and watch something. I think I have had all the excitement I can handle for a while. We can watch movies in my room. And besides, Rebecca, you’ve never seen what a house is like. So, let’s go.”

We got our checks, paid and left. Meredith went to the bathroom and came back grinning. I looked at her curiously but she just ignored me, as she did occasionally. We walked to the car and hopped in. I was sitting in the backseat, again. We just chatted our way back to the house, the conversation nice and light.

Once there, the three of us trooped up to Meredith’s room. We got there and grabbed seats. I sat against her bed and Rebecca took the desk chair. It liked the spot. I had a great view of the TV and Meredith had moved the speakers to focus on this area. She usually sat on the bed right above this spot. This also had the bonus of having her play with my hair, so it was all good in my opinion.

While Rebecca was moving her seat to have a better view of the screen, Nadia came by and knocked on the open door. “Hey, can anybody join in?”

“Sure. Come on in Nadia.” replied Meredith.

Nadia did that, smiling. “What are you watching?”

“Not sure yet. Rebecca, you see anything you want to see?”

Rebecca looked away from the DVD’s arranged in the bookshelf. “Oh, yeah. Can we watch Jersey Girl? I love Kevin Smith. And I heard Liv Tyler is good in it. J Lo also dies in the first five minutes, so that’s something positive as far as I’m concerned.”

Meredith smiled. “I liked it. Sounds good to me.”

Nadia nodded as well. “Sure. Caitlin?”

“Whatever.” I was busy running through things in my head. Did I really want to do this? Sometimes I wasn’t sure. I mean, this all started out as a fun game and I was getting moved about, permanently loosing my facial hair, getting stuck like this for my college career and having to pretend to be a girl for the honor of the house. I really wondered what the hell I had been thinking when I had decided this and why hadn’t I gotten a Sorority that had no spine? Why couldn’t I have gotten a group of airheads that got all nervous and jittery at the idea, thus allowing me to take them to court? But then I guess that did mean that I was actually trying to make fun of the system. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

They started the film and it played. Nadia made popcorn for us all and I ate some of it absently. It was salty and buttery and I licked my fingers clean. I only caught a few of the scenes as I ran through things in my head. The scene where Ben and Liv got caught in the shower was priceless. And the scene with Will Smith was great. But I had more important things to work through. What did I really think about this whole thing?

I got up towards the end of the film and headed to my room. My mind was buzzing and I didn’t feel like good company. I needed the quiet to work through this. I sat down on my bed and held my knees. I needed some time alone, to think about if I could really do this. I mean what I had agreed to was spending at least four years as a girl. Did I want to do that? If so, why? I didn’t know.

I had only thought I would have a little legal fun at the expense of these girls. They had called my bluff and let me enter their house and their Sorority. They were welcoming me, for the most part, as one of their own. I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. I had never really been accepted for being me.

And did I want to spend all of my years in college with my penis tucked up and under, pretending to be a girl? Would this make me a better person or screw me up? Would I want to stay a girl or could I manage to go back to my life? And I also wasn’t sure how I felt about this lie? There were a lot of things I had no answers for.

Meredith was really friendly and had been hitting on me a little, encouraging me to go through this process, both for the house and for her own grades. If she could track my transformation from start to finish she was going to get a really good grade for what was an independent project for credit. She had something to gain through this but what did I have to gain through all of this?

Sure, there was the illusion of getting to know how the other side lives and what they put up with. But in a lot of ways I don’t really care about how the other side lives. They were just girls, nothing special. Just girls.

I shook my head. Maybe this would be good for me if I thought anyone was “just” anything. No one was “just” anything. No one was fundamentally better than anyone else. No one. That’s why I had started all of this in the first place. That’s why I have done this a couple of other times against groups that kept other people out. I didn’t like people thinking they were better back at home and I really don’t like it here. They let me in, with rules on my appearance and behavior. That seemed fair. Groups did have the right to have standards for their members. I may be a little confused but I was still aware what is fair and right.

I had agreed to this but had the liberty of being able to quit at any time. And did I want to? Christ, I don’t know. I rubbed my now smooth legs and frowned. I looked like a girl now, in almost all ways but totally naked. With the hair of my face gone and with my hair like this I didn’t look like a guy. But that was still what I was. Shouldn’t I be pissed about this, or really upset? I wasn’t sure. What the hell was I supposed to do?

I looked around the room I shared with Gwen. I had bought a lot of stuff to support this illusion. Sheets, clothes, jewelry, loads of other stuff. I had been convinced that I had needed all this stuff to fit in here, to be one of the girls. What the hell was I going to do with all of this stuff if I left? Give it to Rebecca, Meredith, Gwen or someone else? Hold a garage sale? I was committed financially to this little social experiment as well.

But I had just wanted to join and be myself, not to be this created girl. I didn’t want to be a girl at all but this whole situation was definitely working on making me that way. If I spent four years living as a girl how much of me would shift to become Caitlin and how far would Richard fade? I wasn’t sure I was ready for that answer. I already knew that some of the stuff they were teaching me was sinking in, I didn’t think about some of the things they had taught me anymore. Some of the behavior they were teaching me was becoming second nature.

I knew if I stayed with this I would all but become a girl. I had never wanted that, ever. But really, what an amazingly manly figure I usually cut. As a man I’m small and scrawny and barely muscular. I’m the kind of man that says I’m a target, pick on me. I was ignored, picked on, pushed around and belittled for most of my life. I hate that. I’m tired of being picked on but nothing I do helps me grow stronger or taller, not weight training, not running, not protein shakes, nothing. Puberty barely has started to play with me. I look like I’m fourteen or fifteen, when I’m not made up like Caitlin. And now here I am becoming a sissy of my own free will. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Damnit! I’m not a sissy! I’m not a weak little girly man who flounced about. I pounded the bed in frustration, screaming into my pillow. I’m going through with this whole stupid fucking plan because I’m a man of honor. I had given my word; in that I am much more manly than about every one else I had ever met. I feel trapped, unable to figure a way out of this. What am I going to do?

I clutched my teddy bear and cried in frustration, soaking the top of his head. Why do I feel like every thing was falling apart around me? Why does life have to be this hard? Why do I have to fail at everything I do? I fell asleep weeping.

* * * * * *

I felt a hand shaking me awake. A soft gentle voice asked, “Hey, sweetie, are you okay?”

“No.” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with the world just yet, so I remained curled around my teddy bear.

Meredith began to stroke my head gently. It felt really good, and I raised my head up a little to feel it better. She mumbled softly, soothingly in my ear. “It’ll be okay. Shhh….it’ll be okay.”

“I just hate this. I don’t want to be a girl. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be a girl.” I almost sobbed this admission. I was embarrassed by my failure in this. Maybe I should just quit and admit I was wrong?

Meredith bent down, kissed my forehead and continued to talk in her gentle voice. “Sweetie, no one is trying to make you be something other than yourself. If you don’t want to do this you can stop. Just say so and we’ll call it a day. You can go back to the apartment with Rebecca and we can forget all about this. It’s okay.”

“I gave my word, and I stand by it. I’ll always stand by my word even if it hurts me. That’s what my Dad taught me. It’s just this hurts so much. What am I becoming?” I began to cry a little more. I shook a little and clutched my bear tighter, as if it was able to protect me.

“You aren’t becoming anything except a better person. You are just a really brave man going through something different, something unexpected and following through with your word. That’s admirable.” she kept stroking my hair.

“Is it? I don’t know any more.” I almost whispered.

“I’ve told you about this. You are going through a lot and it’s bound to be stressful. We want you….I want you to be happy. The Sorority is about the power and joy of sisterhood and for having fun. You were voted in to change things, to try something different for us as well as you. But we also didn’t want to be laughed at. So we made this agreement, which we mean to stand by. Do you want to quit?” Her voice was really supportive and helped me to calm down some.

“I don’t know. Maybe. No. Yes. I don’t know.” I started shaking as I cried some more. I felt so lost and confused. I wasn’t sure of almost anything any more. What the hell was I going to do?

“Why don’t you sleep on it? We can talk about it in the morning.” she started to move away from me and stand. I didn’t let go of her leg so she sat back down on the bed. “It’s okay. Really. Just rest and we can talk about this tomorrow. You should feel better in the morning.”

“Please. Don’t leave me.” I looked up at her with my tear stained face and red eyes. In so many ways she was becoming my lifeline to sanity and who I had been. Her magic had managed to turn me into a beautiful girl from an uninspiring boy.

Meredith’s eyes softened as she met mine. “Okay sweetie. I’ll stay the night with you. Just relax. I’ll be right back. Give me a chance to change and I’ll come join you.”

She kissed the top of my head again and climbed off the bed after freeing herself from my arms. I could hear the door open and close. I kept crying and clutching my bear. Oh God, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just decide?

A few minutes later Meredith came back into the room and I turned to look at her. She was dressed in a pair of her pajama bottoms and an old white t-shirt. She looked really cute. “Schooch over.”

I did and I could feel her lie up against me, spooned behind me. She wormed an arm under me and pulled me into her. I could feel her breasts against my back, warm and soft. Her nipples were a bit hard against me, which felt good. It was different, unlike anything I had felt before. I felt comforted, safe and secure. I had never slept with a woman in any way, so this was a first. I thought I was too wound up to sleep but as I relaxed into her arms I began to relax and drift. Meredith murmured soothing words into my ear until I fell asleep.