SO, HERE I AM
by Hilltopper

PROLOGUE

Yes, here I am, 62 years old and waiting in my hospital bed to be prepped for SRS. WOW! I can not believe it is here. It has been a long struggle; a journey with lots of ups and downs. Mary, my spouse, is here with me, dozing in the chair beside me. If someone had told me that I would be at this point even a year ago, I would have laughed at them or maybe cried. But, here it is. I think that I hear the nurse coming.

“Good morning Ms. Harper. Are you ready?”

“Yes, I certainly am.”

“OK. I am going to give you a shot that will relax you. In about 30 minutes, you will be taken to surgery. There, an IV will be started through which the anesthesia will be administered. Next thing that you know, you will wake in recovery. Mary can come in and be with you at that time.”

Well, I do not usually like to get a shot but this is one I really do not mind. As the nurse leaves, I look towards Mary.

“Are you ready” asked Mary.

“Yes. I am thinking back over my life. It has been a long journey.”

“It certainly has been. I did not expect this but I am with you.”

“You know that means everything to me.”

“I really thought that all the craziness was behind us but here we are. It has been a wild ride. I can not believe we survived it.”

I feel like drifting off but I can not help but think back to the beginning............

CHAPTER 1

I was born John Michael Harper. I think things went well for me until my sister was born. I was almost 4 years old. I do not remember any of this but apparently I had been more or less raised as a girl up to that point. When my mother and sister came home from the hospital, they were very sick for several months. During this time, we stayed with my grandmother so that she could care for them. My dad traveled a lot and was not home much. This left me kind of pushed aside. When I turned four, it was decided that I should attend kindergarten. I think this was mainly to get me out of the way. The teacher and owner of this private school was a good friend of my grandmother and the school was only a block away on a side street. Therefore, I walked to and from it. On my second day as I entered the school yard, a cute girl spotted me. She had long blonde curly hair and was wearing yellow sun dress.

“Hi Johnny”

“Hey Betsy. You look real pretty”

“Oh Johnny, I would much rather be wearing your shorts than this stupid dress.”

“I don’t know Betsy, you look nice in it.”

“If you like it so much, why don’t you wear it.”

Well, before we knew it, we had swapped clothes. Now, while gender did not mean much to us since we were only 4 years old, it sure did to the teacher. Oddly, when we walked into the classroom, she did not say a thing. I did not know it at the time, but my grandmother had talked about me to her since I was born. So, she was not surprised to see me in a dress. The nice thing about being just 4 is that the other 4 year olds do not really care what you wore. It did not seem wrong to me. I just enjoyed it. From then on, we would exchange clothes once in a while. Since we went to the school until we were six years old, this was a great number of times. We always changed back before we went home. That is, until the week before my sixth birthday. I had donned a nice blue summer dress. It was wonderful. Our school let out at noon. When it came time to go home, I could not find Betsy. I went over to the teacher.

“Ms. Grant, where is Betsy?”

“She left early today, Johnny. Do not worry about your clothes. Your grandmother will be OK with it. ”

So, I headed toward my grandmother’s house. By this time, my mother and sister were living back at our house. I stayed with my grandmother until my dad got off work. He would pick me up and take us home. My grandmother did not bat an eye when I walked in wearing the dress. My teacher had called her and told her what had happened. We just worked a puzzle and talked the rest of the afternoon. I had some clothes at her house and I was going to change before my dad arrived. Time got away from us. I loved wearing the dress so much that I wanted to stay in it as long as I could. I was picking up the puzzle when my dad suddenly came through the front door. He spotted me right off.

“John! What are you doing in that dress. Boys do not, I repeat, do not wear dresses. Get out of it right now.”

I was devastated. My grandmother tried to smooth things over but to no avail. I cried all the way home. I did not know why it was so wrong. It had felt right to me. My dad said nothing more about it when we got home. I went to my room and collapsed into my bed. It was at that point in my life that I realized that I was really a girl; not a boy. At the same time, I also realized that it was not what my dad wanted.

My dad left on a business trip soon after we arrived home. He was gone all week. I just moped around worrying what he would say when he got back. On the day of my birthday, my dad came home carrying a large box. He handed it to me.

“Happy birthday, Johnny”

“Wow, what is it.”

“Why don’t you open it and see.” said my mother.

I tore open the package. Inside was a beautiful white toy refrigerator. The door handle was just like ours in the kitchen. I was in heaven. I had wanted one like forever but had been told that they were for girls.

“Oh, thank you Daddy.”

“It’s alright son. Just enjoy it. But, please, no more dresses. OK?”

“Yes Dad.”

That moment stayed with me the rest of my life.