So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 5

I took the move to Indiana as a sign that I was a failure at being a boy. Of course, I knew that I really wasn’t a boy. But, at the same time, I was not a girl either. That left me a nothing; just an empty shell wandering through time. I certainly felt empty.

When we arrived at our new home I was pleased to find out that I had a very large upstairs bedroom. This allowed me to have all my things together in one place including my model railroad layout which I treasured. I could now stay to myself.

So, I started junior high school with no desire to make friends. I found out that, if I joined the band, I would not have to take P.E. That at least relieved me of my biggest fear: boy’s locker rooms. I thus spent 7th grade either in my bedroom or reading at the public library when I was not in school.

Since I was home alone quite often, I started sneaking into my parent’s room to go through my mother’s clothes. I use the word ‘sneak’ because I felt very guilty about this. I tried some of her clothes on and thought I looked pretty good. I could not bring myself to wear them very long. The guilt was just too much. This left me with a longing to once again be the girl I thought I was when I was young.

We spent the holidays back down south with my grandparents. My grandmother loved flowers just as I did and had her own greenhouse. I spent many hours with her potting plants and marveling at their beauty. She was very patient with me since she knew my real problem. But she also knew that nothing could be done about it. The realization was very sad for us both.

Usually during our visits, my older girl cousin Marla would also stay there. We got along quite well. I do not think she knew about my girlish past. However, we did play a game using a Sears’s catalog that may haven given her pause. Each of us would close our eyes, open the catalog to the clothing pages, and put our finger somewhere on a page. We would then open our eyes to see what we had pointed to. We would then imagine and act like we were wearing those clothes. Needless to say, I always managed to be in the woman’s or girl’s section of the catalog. I know it was a silly game but it gave me lots of comfort at a time in which I was feeling very low about myself.

My image took another hit at Christmas. My grandmother loved Christmas time. All the family would gather at her house. There was always many presents and lots of food. After eating, everyone would sit in the den so that my grandmother could pass out the presents. About half way through the process this time, she gave me the infamous gift. I anxiously tore the wrapping paper off and opened the box. Inside was 3 pairs of boys underwear.

“Oooooh, Panties!” I said.

Everyone immediately started laughing. I was shocked and embarrassed. I ran off crying. My mother came to me a few minutes later.

“It’s OK, Johnny. They didn’t mean to hurt you. I explained the problem”

My mother had always called them panties, so I had too. It certainly was not the boy thing to do I found out. It ruined my Christmas and left me more confused and lonely than ever.

I ended 7th grade with virtually no friends. During the summer, I tried playing baseball with some of the neighborhood kids but my heart was not in it and I was not very good either. I did get to play golf a few times with my dad. The big problem with golf here was that the only course near this town had sand greens. That’s right, the ‘greens’ were a shallow pit filled with sand. After putting out, one had to drag a rug-like device around where you had stepped to smooth the green out for the next players. It was a hassle. I still enjoyed being with my dad though. I did not get enough time with him.

Eighth grade started with me still waiting for puberty to hit. A piece of it did but I did not know it at the time. I was sleeping at my grandmother’s house over Thanksgiving when I awoke to something strong happening down below. I suddenly made a big mess in the bed. It, of course, was a wet dream but I did not know that. I was terrified. I had never heard of this happening and was afraid to tell anyone. I vowed to not let it happen again. The next night, it tried to start again. I awoke and stopped it in it’s track. I felt very relieved. It never happened again, thankfully. This incident probably caused me damage both mentally and physically. I don’t know.

I was in homeroom one morning when I was approached by the teacher.

“Johnny, as you know, our homeroom plays in a basketball league after school. We are short three players for tomorrow’s game. Can you help us out?”

This was one of my worst nightmares but I was no good at saying no.

“OK, but I am not very good.”

“That’s fine. Just do your best.”

When I got home, I told my dad that I was playing in a homeroom basketball game tomorrow. He was excited and we rushed out to get what I needed. The next day after school, I headed to the gym with my gym bag and kit. I entered the locker room and sat down on a bench. The first thing I pulled out of my bag was a strappy looking thing. I turned to the boy next to me.

“What is this thing?”

“Man, don’t let anyone else hear you say that.”

“Well, what is it?”

“A jock strap, dummy.”

He showed me how to put it on. It was the weirdest thing that I had ever worn.

“It’s to protect you below.”

I thanked him and got dressed. I really did not know how lucky I was. If one of the jocks had seen this incident, I would have been in deep trouble. I ended up playing in the final quarter of the game and actually hit two baskets. It was the only school sports game that I ever played in.

I came home from school one spring day to find my mother waiting for me.

“I have great news.”

This usually meant something that I would not like.

“I was talking to Janet Brown today. She is the mother of Susan in your class. Anyway, she told me that Susan wants to go to your school dance really bad but does not have a date. Well, I told her that you did not have a date either. So, we decided that you and Susan will go together.”

I, of course, knew Susan and liked her but I certainly had no intension of going to a dance much less with Susan. I just stared at my mother.

“Look Johnny, you spend all of your time reading in your room. You have to make an effort to get along. You will ask Susan to the dance. Beside, Janet has already told Susan that you want to go with her.”

“OK, but I am not sure about this.”

“Don’t worry. You will have fun.”

I stewed about this all night. The next morning at school, I went up to Susan.

“Ah, would you like to go to the dance with me?”

“Don’t worry, Johnny, I know we were set up. I did not want to go either. So, yes I will go with you.”

“OK. I, ah, am not that good a dancer or anything else for that matter.”

She laughed. “We will make the best of it.”

So, on the next Friday night, I picked her up at her house. Well, my dad was driving. Anyway, we made it to the dance. I know that I am shy and introverted. This did not help me much at the dance. I am sure that everyone thought that I was hopeless. We made it through without really embarrassing incidents. After the dance was over, my dad took us to her house. I told her thanks and she got out of the car. I know that I was supposed to walk her to the door but I could not move. I thought, so much for dating. My dad did not say anything but I knew he was disappointed in me. Par for the course!

At the end of junior high, one part of puberty had found me. I had a huge growth spurt. By the end of summer, I was 6 feet tall and weighed 120 pounds. I looked like a stick. Thus, I entered high school as an awkward, very shy, and lonely teenager.