So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

What was I thinking?

CHAPTER 9

A recruiter for the U. S. Naval Aviation program was on campus one day. I had always wanted to learn to fly, so I talked to him. He made it sound like a really good deal. It required lots of testing and very few applicants were accepted. I was very down at this time and made a rash decision. I signed up. It wasn’t as if I had a low draft number. No, mine was in the 300’s. This meant that there was no chance of getting drafted after college. Of course, I had second thoughts after I returned to my dorm room. Technically, I had enlisted in the Naval Reserve on the condition of being accepted after testing. I now had mixed feelings as to whether I wanted to pass all of the testing the recruiter mentioned.

One month later, I received orders to report to Millington Naval Air Station in Tennessee for testing. Naturally, I passed. The only condition was that I had to get all the crevices in my teeth filled. Apparently, they could crack at high altitude causing me to black out from pain. My dentist followed the navy’s chart and filled the points indicated. After a few weeks, I was told to report for the swearing in ceremony. I was sworn in and was now a NAVROC.

I continued my college education graduating with a BS degree majoring in Biology. I think that my dad was proud that I did get my degree even though the dream of me becoming a doctor had been dashed. I had been supposed to report to the navy right after graduation but a couple of weeks before the graduation ceremony, I received orders delaying my report date until September. I was not told why but I assumed it was because the Vietnam War was starting to wind down. I spent the summer with my parents. My dad got me the pipeline maintenance job again. This time I was with a different group. I felt very out of place but I could not say no. My parents now lived in a fairly large city and I did not know anyone. I looked around the city some, but mostly stayed at home when not working.

About midway through the summer, a strange thing happened. I had got in the habit of lying on my stomach on the bed dreaming of being a girl. I guess that I was moving around a little because it felt good. My penis became semi-hard and suddenly ejaculated. It caught me totally by surprise. I had never masturbated before and did not even know it could be done like this. The act was certainly pleasurable but it made me feel guilty and a little dirty. I never told anyone and did not do it again.

The first week in September, I bade my parents good bye and flew to Pensacola. I spent the night in a hotel and a bus took me and several other cadets to the naval base. I was feeling good and excited as I exited the bus. What happened next came as a complete surprise. I had to be the most naíve and ignorant 22 year old on the planet. I actually thought this would be kind of like college. Boy was I wrong! A senior officer candidate immediately started yelling at me, telling me to stand at attention and ‘wipe that smile off your face’. It disappeared quickly. I was in total shock. I know it seems impossible to believe, but I had no idea it would be like this. The rest of the day, either a senior officer candidate or a Marine drill sergeant were yelling at me and the other candidates constantly. We had our hair shaved off, our possessions confiscated, and we were issued a poopy suit along with other clothes and grooming aids. The poopy suit was basically a coverall that we had to wear during the first two weeks here. The next two days were spent at NAMI for medical testing and shots. The rest of the two initiation period was spent running the sea course, exercising, and getting generally mentally pounded. I was constantly in close proximity to lots of guys and I was getting more and more anxious. The worst part was in the shower and bathroom area. I knew that I could not endure this for long. I was determined to make it through this two week period. I knew that I had to make a decision before ten weeks were up. At that time, I would be commissioned an ensign and would be required to stay in the navy for 6 years. Until that time, I could wash out or DOR.

At the end of the initiation period, we were marched double time to our new quarters carrying all of our possessions and issued new uniforms and textbooks. There were four of us in the room. I, for some reason, was made room captain. That night, we had a surprise inspection. They, of course, found something very wrong with each person’s area. They were especially angry that each of us had at least one GNH. Each person was told to give them 50 squat thrusts. Since I was the room captain and, therefore, responsible for the whole room, I was given my punishment as well as the other room mate’s punishments. So, here I was in the hall attempting 200 squat thrusts. When I reached around 125, I heard someone say ‘we better stop him before he has a heart attack’. Lying in bed that night, I tried my best not to cry but I don’t think that I succeeded. I thought hard about everything. I did not think that I could make it much longer. This was supposed to be hard but it was nothing like I though it would be. I should have known better. What an idiot I was. As terrified as I had been around boys in school especially in locker rooms, this was a nightmare. Finally, I dropped into a fitful sleep.

The next morning after dressing, I went straight to the senior cadet’s room and told him that wanted to DOR. I just could not go on. I knew it was a wimpy thing to do but, at the moment, it was the only thing I could do. When one DOR’s, you are immediately separated from the rest of the group. They do not want you to contaminate anyone else. After a bit, I was escorted out of the area. I was now listed as a seaman and billeted with other seamen that were in the process of discharge. Of course, I was still wearing an officer’s uniform. It takes about a week to go through the DOR process. It was the most humiliating experience that I have ever endured. During the week, I had to go to many offices to sign papers and answer questions. I was constantly taunted and ridiculed. I guess that they were trying to get a rise out of me in order to issue a punishment. They might have just thought I was a piece of shit. I certainly felt like one. I was asked over and over what made me want to DOR and why did I feel that way. I could not tell them the real reason therefore I just said ‘I don’t know’. Finally, I was given my honorable discharge and flown home. I can not describe the shame and guilt that I felt during the flight. I have never fully recovered from my 3 weeks in the navy.

CHAPTER 10

When I returned home from the navy, I was very down. I did not want to talk to anybody. My parents acted as if nothing important had happened, but I knew it had. My confidence in myself was almost gone. Since I would be living with my parents until I figured out what to do, I had to try to be all man. This was hard because I felt like I left him in Pensacola. I guess I just moped around for a month or so. My mother finally told me to send out some resumes after all I had a BS degree in biology. I sent out a bunch but all I received back were the usual ‘We have nothing at this time’. One day I went to the federal building to see what might be listed for government jobs. There was a notice that the ATF was hiring. The only requirement was a BS degree in anything except Theology. So, on a whim, I applied. After testing and several interviews, believe it or not, I was hired.

In 1971, if you made $1000 per month, you were really flush. I would be making more than that so, for the first time in my life, I would have plenty of money. The first order of business was to buy a car since I had sold mine when I went into the navy. I looked around a little but did not find anything that I liked. One day, I was passing by the MG dealer when I saw it. In the window was a beautiful new MGB. Well, I bought it. The MGB did not have the classy looks of my old Austin-Healey but it was sure fun to drive. Tooling down the road in it lifted my spirits.

I was flown to Washington, D.C. for training and stayed a motel next to the pentagon. I spent 6 weeks in U.S. Treasury Law Enforcement School and 4 weeks in ATF Investigator School. I had never even held a gun before so that was my first problem to overcome. There is a firing range in the basement of the U.S. Treasury building. That is where I learned to shoot. Oddly, I took to it really fast. It was while I was in training in Washington that the May Day riots occurred. We were transported into the city by bus. Troops lined the bridges to keep them open. People were throwing trash cans in front of our bus and the air was so filled with tear gas it was all you could do to keep from crying. It was an amazing sight. I finished the training program and was told that I would be stationed in a field office in West Virginia. I flew home, packed all my possessions (they all fit into my MGB which tells you something), and headed toward my post.

As I was driving into West Virginia, I heard for the first time the song ‘Take me Home Country Roads’ by John Denver. It sure seemed appropriate. My new post turned out to be a small office with just two agents, one of which was on extended leave. I guess I was his temporary replacement. My partner, Chuck, was a former head-thumping policeman from South Bend, Indiana and was extremely macho. Just what I need; not! He was very friendly and helpful to me, however, and soon had me squared away. I found a one bedroom townhouse that I rented. It was the first time in my life that I had a place to myself.

This got me thinking. I could live and dress any way I wanted. There was some mail at the apartment left for the previous tenet I guess. In it was a Sears catalog. This got me thinking even further. Could I actually buy my own women’s clothes? The thought was both exciting and scary at the same time. I spent some time looking through the catalog and picked out some things. The problem was that I would have to pick up the order at the store catalog desk. This sent a few chills up my spine but I sent in the order. I bought some cosmetics and panty hose at a drug store. I hoped that I did not look too guilty. I found a costume shop that sold wigs and bought a long, cheap blond one. When my Sears order arrived, I picked it up with out any one commenting or looking at me funny. Whew!

That night, I put on a black A-line skirt, pink blouse, and 2” black heels. I was scared to death at first but felt wonderful at the same time. There was no sexual feeling at all just a sense of being at peace with myself. I put socks into the bra I had purchased. I was not too good with the make-up but I was not going any where so no one would see me anyway. With the wig in place, I thought that I looked OK. I spent the evening dressed. Since this was the first time that I had ever fully dressed as a woman, it was a mind blowing experience. I realized that this was the real me. At bed time, I discovered that I had not bought anything to wear to bed and nothing to take off the make-up. After much scrubbing, all traces seemed to be removed including some skin. This was going to take some learning and more purchases. I could not bring myself to go to a store to buy any women’s clothes, so I once again resorted to the Sears catalog. I saw this beautiful white sun dress with pink flowers on it and fell in love. I bought it, several night gowns, some skirts and blouses, and more underwear. I now spent most evenings dressed female.

I did have to be away several days at a time on investigations with Chuck. Even though we had separate motel rooms, I could not take any female clothes. I did my best to live up to his macho image of things but it was not sitting well with me. About mid-summer, Chuck asked me for a favor. His niece was coming to visit and he wondered if I could take her to a movie or something. She was about my age. I really did not know what to say. I guess he just assumed that I had agreed because, the next Friday, he told me she had arrived and looked forward to me picking her up the next evening. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not been on a date since Linda. I even thought briefly about going as female. At least then we would just be two girl friends going to the movie together. But that would cause more problems than I had already. I picked her up the next day and we went to the drive-in theater. The movie playing was “Willard”. Once again as with the date with Linda, I just sat there watching the show which was a terrible movie by the way. Here I am now 23 years old and I still can not date a girl without freezing up. When the show was over, I took her home, walked her to the door, thanked her, and left. I am sure Chuck got an ear full about me but he never said anything to me about the date. You would think that by now I would have some attraction to and sexual feelings for women, but it did not seem to be the case. Oh, well!

I continued to dress female most of the time when at home the rest of the summer. I never got the courage to leave my apartment dressed. I think that I would have passed OK but I just could not make myself do it. At the beginning of September, I was informed that I would be transferred to another posting the next month. The most likely place was Detroit and the assignment would involve some under cover work. This did not appeal to me at all. I had been thinking about things and had realized that this was just not the career for me. I submitted my resignation. My bosses tried to talk me out of it but I knew what I had to do. I decided that the best thing was to back to college and continue my quest to get into medical school. Sadly, this would mean that I would have to give up my female time for a while. I gave away most of my women’s things, moved out of my apartment, and headed back south.