So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 6

The Date

As a freshman in high school, I tried to be as invisible as I could. I sat in the back of my classes and did not volunteer for anything. Since I was a straight A student, the teachers pretty much left me alone. The only place this did not work was in band.

I played clarinet in the band. There were a lot of clarinet players and I tried to lose myself toward the end of the bunch. The other band members ignored me for the most part except for one girl. Her name was Linda and she also played the clarinet. Linda would look at me a lot and smile. I was pretty lonely and a smile was very welcome. I wondered if she might really like me and would be my friend. I kind of liked her but was too shy to say any thing to her.

One day as I walked into the front door of our house, my sister came up to me.

“We need to talk.” she said.

Sara is four years younger than me and we did not say much to each other. Therefore, this was a surprise.

“OK. I’ll be in my room.”

A little later, she entered my room.

“My friend Sharon told me today that her older sister Linda has been crying a lot in her room. When she asked her what was wrong, Linda confided that she had a big crush on you but that you seemed to ignore her. Now I know that you like Linda but are too shy to do any thing about it. I told Sharon that I would talk to you.”

Well, I was dumbfounded. Here was someone actually crying because I did not talk to her. I could not believe that I could be liked that much. It really hurt deep inside that I might have caused Linda so much pain.

“I don’t know. I’m not really into dating, you know.”

“Please think about it. You are breaking her heart.”

“I am not doing anything!”

“Please?”

“OK. OK”

“Great.” With that, Sara left my room.

Yeah, I kind of wanted to date Linda but I also kind of wanted to be her. What a mess!
I knew that Linda walked by my house every day on her way home from school. The next day, I saw her going by out my bedroom window. I felt a real ache inside as I watched her walk down the sidewalk but there were not any sexual stirrings. This confused me. Was I attracted to girls? Why did I like Linda? I agonized over this for a couple of days and nights.

Several days after the conversation with my sister, I found myself a little ways behind Linda as we walked home from school. I followed along for a couple of blocks. Suddenly, she stopped and turned towards me.

“Are you going to walk with me or not.”

By this time I had caught up to her.

“Ah, sure, yeah.”

I was about to faint. We walked together for a bit without saying any thing. I thought, ‘I have to say something or run!’

“Ah, would you like to go to a movie or something.”

It would have been easier to run. She looked over at me and smiled.

“Well, it took you long enough. Yes, I would.”

‘Oh, boy. Now what?’ I thought. “How about a movie this Saturday afternoon?”

“Sounds good to me.”

By this time, we had reached my house. “Great! I’ll talk to you tomorrow at school.”

She smiled and I hurried toward my front door. Once inside, I about had a stroke. ‘What am I doing?’ I thought.

Sara came up to me. “I saw you outside with Linda. Are you going to take her out?”

“I guess.”

I then went to my room and collapsed onto my bed. I did not know if I could do this. I could not figure out my feelings. Linda was certainly someone that I wanted to be friends with but I should be very ‘turned on’. The trouble was, I had no sexual feelings toward her or anyone. What was the matter with me?

Saturday arrived and my dad drove me to Linda’s house. I went up to her door and knocked. A few seconds later, she came out. She really looked great!

“Hi! Ah, are you ready to go?”

“Yes, what are we seeing.”

I had thought a lot about this. The movie I had chosen was “Man’s Favorite Sport” with Rock Hudson. I guessed that this was probably a girl’s movie but I really did want to see it.

“How about “Man’s Favorite Sport”?”

“Great”

We got into the car and were driven to the theater. I got us popcorn and drinks, then, we sat toward the back. I guess that we talked a little before the picture started but, frankly, I was in a daze. This was not like the time with Susan. This was a real date!

The movie started and we settled in to watch it. This picture was pretty sexy for it’s time, 1963.
It should have got me going. My brain was telling me that I liked being here with Linda and that I should hold her hand or something. My body, however, was saying nothing. Plus, I was too shy to try anything. So, we just sat there and watched to show. We walked out of the theater after the picture was over. My dad was waiting for us. When we arrived at Linda’s house, I walked her to the front door.

“I had a good time.”

“Me too Johnny.”

But I could see in her eyes that this was not the case. I imagined that she was thinking ‘
Why did I ever cry for this idiot.’ I felt like crying myself, so I quickly said good bye and went back to the car. Linda went into her house without looking back. I sulked all the way home. My dad, kindly, did not say anything. Once home, I went to my room to try to figure things out. I was a total basket case. I was too shy and introverted to do anything. Plus, I had no sexual feelings at all. Something was not right. Even if I was really a girl, I should feel something. Did puberty miss me altogether? Was I stuck being the nothing I felt that I was? Did this mean I could not date? Was I to be alone forever?

I could not answer any of these questions. Fortunately, everyone left me alone that night. I just sobbed quietly in bed and, finally, drifted off to sleep.