So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 13

Mary sat on the edge of the bed looking at me intently.

“You sound real serious.”

“Well, I just want us to not have any secrets. When we were talking about my past a while back, I left out some things that are important to who I am.”

“OK, tell me.”

“When I was born, there apparently was some confusion concerning my gender. I do not know what was done. No one will talk about it. Anyway, I was finally listed as male. The funny thing is, I was a girl in a lot of ways growing up. I played with the girls and even swapped clothes with them. We moved to Ohio when I was 9 years old. From then on, I tried to be a boy. I was not very good at it. Puberty just would not happen. I did not date in high school or college. There were just no sexual feelings and I was extremely shy. On top of that, I still felt like a girl a lot of the time. You are the first person that I have had sex with. Yeah, I was a virgin. When I moved in with you, I could not resist wearing your clothes. There is nothing sexual about it. I just feel soothed somehow. I have never gone out in public dressed as a girl. Even though I feel like a girl inside, I want to be a man for you because I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

“Wow, that is a lot to think about. Thank you for being honest with me.”

Mary sat there for several minutes just looking out the window. Suddenly, she stood up.

“I need to take a walk and think things over.”

With that, she went out the door. Well, I had to tell her. It was probably stupid of me. I could have just stopped dressing, stopped thinking I am really a woman, and just live normal. She would have never known. But, deep down, I knew it would not have worked. Sooner or later, the need would surface or drive me crazy. The trouble was, what now? Will she come back and, if she does, what will she think of me. This was not some thing a woman looking for a husband could tolerate. It was just not normal. There was something about Mary that gave me hope. This was the first woman that I had been able to talk to. She seemed to be interested in everything I said. Why, I don’t know. What did she see in me? I did not think much of me. Everything I did turned out wrong. When ever I tried to be the man every one thought I should be, the woman in me surfaced. It would take a miracle for Mary and I to make it together. Even if she accepted what I told her, how could she still love me? I was not the man she though I was. This was probably clear to her now. All I can do is wait until she comes back and see what happens.

After about an hour, the motel door opened and Mary entered carrying a bag. I looked on anxiously.

“Well, John, I guess I have worried you. I just needed to think out what I wanted to say to you.”

Upon seeing my concerned face, she smiled.

“It’s OK. I am not leaving. I, too, have a confession to make. When I was growing up, there were only boys in my neighborhood. So, I grew up pretty much thinking I was a boy. Just as puberty was upon me, a girl moved in next door. For several years, we had a lesbian relationship. Her father was transferred when we were 16. I was devastated by her leaving. A boy in my class befriended me and, before long, we were in a relationship. We married at 17 and had several good years. Then, he started drinking and abusing me. I finally kicked him out and swore off men. I went to nursing school and, after graduating, started working at the hospital. I really did not think much of you until that day in the park. There was definitely something different about you. Your intelligence, kindness, and soft nature entranced me. I did not think I could fall for another man but I fell for you. Now, I know why. You are the best of both worlds and I want you to know that I love you very much,”

Of course, by now I was crying uncontrollably. Mary held me in her arms until I calmed down.

“I have a present for you.”

She picked up the bag and handed it to me. Inside was a beautiful and sexy pink nightgown.

“Please put it on. I will not laugh. I want you to wear it tonight.”

I was stunned. This could not be happening. Did she really and truly want me to wear it? Embarrassed, I took it into the bathroom. I removed my clothes and slipped it over my head. It felt wonderful sliding down my body. I glance in the mirror. Well, I probably looked ridiculous but I sure felt happy. I came out of the bathroom and walked up to Mary. To her credit, she did not say a word. She simply led me to the bed. We climbed in and cuddled together, crying. After a time, we drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, Mary was gone. I thought for a second that I had been dreaming. The pink gown I was wearing dispelled that idea. Just then, the door opened and Mary walked in carrying breakfast.

“I thought you might be hungry after last night. The motel has a free breakfast bar.”

“It looks great.”

“You do to.”

So, we ate and cleaned up. We had decided previously to hike the Alum Cave Trail today. It still seemed like a good idea. About half way up the trail which is a steep climb, we found an overlook. We sat down on a rock and starred out over the vista.

“You know, Mary, telling you my secret was the hardest thing I have ever done.”

“I can imagine. Look, we both like the fact that you are different. So, let’s just go with it and see where it leads.”

“OK, as long as we are together.”

“Don’t worry about that. I feel we are soul mates and we were drawn together by fate.”

We sat thinking for a while. The weather was much colder this high up, so we decided to go back down and head back to the motel. We had dinner and went to our room. The room had a jetted tub and we took full advantage of it. After drying off, I donned the pink nightgown again.

“Wow, that is really sexy. You are turning me on.”

“Well, there’s the bed!”

Needless to say, we had a wonderful night. The next morning, we started packing to leave for home. As we were getting ready to head out, I held Mary gently by the shoulders and looked into her beautiful brown eyes.

“Mary, will you marry me?”

EPILOGUE

Well, we got married. We spent two wonderful years with me living mostly as a woman. It was a dream come true. But, like all dreams, it had to come to an end. Mary became pregnant. Therefore, I had to man up, again. We spent the next 32 years living the so called normal life. Of course, I could not keep it buried completely. Two years ago my body started changing on its own. Doctors could not explain it. After struggling with it for over a year, we decided it was time to make a choice. Our kids were grown and we were reaching retirement. Since I had always considered myself to be a woman inside, the choice was simple. Mary had a hard time with it since she thought all of this was behind us. She knew, however, that my body had already become mostly female and there was really no going back. Together, we went to a psychologist, an endocrinologist, and our GP. They all recommended me for SRS. So, here I am. No one can predict how things will be post-op. We have been through so much in our life that we are very optimistic that we have made the right choice. Only time will tell but that is another story.

{Author's note: I want to thank everyone that has read my life story. It was hard to write but I am glad that I did. I hope that I can continue the story down the road.}