So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 8

College Years

The town we were living in had a nice college, therefore, I had to go to it because of finances. I would live at home while going to classes. My dad had wanted to be a medical doctor but was forced to drop out of college when my sister was born. It seemed like a good idea for me to try to do what he could not, so, I decided to be pre-med in college, majoring in biology and minoring in chemistry. I was accepted into the college and would start in September.

During the summer before college started, my dad got me a job in pipeline maintenance at the company he worked for. I mainly walked the pipeline painting posts and pipes along the right-of-way. After work, I usually played golf. A couple of times, I went with Larry cruising around the college. The girls would lie out in the sun in their bathing suits and Larry seemed to think it was great fun driving through the campus girl watching. It did nothing for me and, after the second time, I begged off.

When the semester started, I threw myself into the studies. I would go to class and come immediately home afterwards. I had no social life at all. I still had no sexual feelings or interest in dating. By this time, I did now have some body hair especially on my legs and was shaving once a week. Loneliness was starting to take its toll, Even though I was living at home, I felt very isolated. The nights were bad. I longed to be a girl by now but had no opportunity to be one. The year dragged on and finally ended with me again working in pipeline maintenance during the summer.

At the end of summer, there was a bright spot. I bought my first car; an Austin-Healey roadster. It was British racing green and was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen. Through my sophomore and junior years of college, it was about my only pleasure. I let my hair grow and enjoyed driving down the highway with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair. If it were not for that car and golf, I would not have made it. Golf allowed me to take out my frustrations and the Austin-Healey soothed my soul.

At the end of summer before my senior year in college, my parents moved again. This left me without any lodging for the up coming year. I obtained a dorm room in a private high rise. I had never lived away from home before much less with a room mate. I was a little freaked out. A large desk-bookshelf combination separated the room. My half was next to the window and his was near the door. This allowed him to come and go without seeing me. I just kept to myself.

One night, noises coming from his bed woke me up. I listened for a minute then realized that he had a girl in bed with him. I was embarrassed and a little horrified. Even though I was 21 years old, I had never been with a girl nor witnessed anyone having sex. Heck, I had not even ever masturbated. I guess that I should have been turned on by this display, but I was just disgusted. Turning towards the wall with a pillow over my head, I eventually dozed off. Upon awakening, the girl was gone and so was he. I lie there thinking. This was certainly a normal occurrence during college for most boys. Yet, it horrified me. This confirmed the fact that I was hopeless. It started a period of deep depression.

Larry turned 21 during my senior year. He wanted me to go with him to a night club to celebrate. I had never drunk any alcoholic beverages in my life but I agreed to go with him. The club was very noisy and smoky. We both ordered screw drivers. Frankly, it tasted awful. We stayed about an hour and then I convinced him to leave. I guess this was a normal thing to do in college but it was just not my scene.

In order to have something to do, I started playing tennis. I was not strong but I was very quick. This allowed me to get to balls that most players could not reach. I developed a stroke that caused a drop shot. The ball would just clear the net and, when it hit the asphalt, the ball almost stopped dead. Needless to say, this was not popular with the guys I was playing against. There was no way that they could get to the ball and still stay far enough back for normal returns. I was told that this was a ‘girly thing to do’ and, soon, no one would play me if I used it. This did not seem fair to me. Sure, I really thought of myself as a female tennis player, but I sure could not tell them that. So, I quit playing. It seemed that whenever I found something I liked to do, I did not do it manly enough to suit anyone. Thoughts of suicide started to become more frequent.

There was a small drug store on the first floor of my dormitory. While browsing through the paper back books one day, I spotted a book on transsexualism. I came back several times before I got the courage to buy it. Since I was extremely naíve, this book was a real eye opener. I could not believe some of the things I read. There were lots of people like me and some had even changed sex physically. Not knowing this may sound strange today but this was the 1960’s. I read the book several times but I was very guilty about having it. One day, I threw it away. This brought on another bout of depression. I now knew what could be but was not to be for me. I knew that there were other people going through what I felt. This gave me both comfort and angst. I could not be myself and it did not look like there was any possibility in the future.

One night, I was awakened by the fire alarm going off. I got up and opened my door. The hallway was filled with smoke. I thought ‘What the heck. Let it happen’. I closed my door and went back to bed hoping that I would not wake up. But, I did. The fire was only trash cans burning in a stair well. The realization of what I had done shook me to the core. There was no way that I could keep going to college to become a doctor. Therefore, I did a really stupid thing.
I joined the navy.