So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 11

Sexual Awakening?

I returned home in time to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents and sister. I was not too down and was looking forward to going back to college. I had no trouble getting readmitted and started back in mid January. I stayed in the same private dorm again. It did bring back some not too pleasant memories. Plus, I could not wear any women’s clothes. I got a job working in a convenience store and played a lot of golf.

My sister graduated from nursing school in May. She decided to work at the local hospital. We talked things over and agreed to rent a house together for a year. We moved into the house in June. I had my own room and bath. This allowed me much more freedom in dressing. Since my sister was a new nurse, she spent a lot of time at the hospital. I was not taking any classes that summer, so I was home alone quite a bit. Sara was a few inches shorter than me but we had about the same build. I have to admit that her closet of clothes was a temptation that I could not deny. I had a few women’s clothes left and, with the addition of Sara’s, I stayed dressed female most evenings that she worked. I still could not get up the courage to leave the house. By now, I had hairy legs and a very angular face. I did not think I could pass very easily without a lot of help which I did not have.

I had told the college that I planned to apply to medical school. Just before classes were to start in the fall, I was informed that a new hospital that had opened had formed an agreement with the college to help pre-med students. The students would take a short clinical clerk class and then would be hired by the hospital. This sounded good to me so I signed up. After completing the course, I was hired as an outpatient technician. I sat at the front desk in the outpatient area in case anyone came in. Since hardly anyone came during night shift which I worked, I mostly just read and did school work. It was a great job.

I took the MEDCAT test and applied to two medical schools. I did real well on the test. I toured the schools and interviewed. I would have to wait until spring to see if I would be accepted. I continued working at the hospital and took a couple of classes. At the start of spring, I received the letters; two rejections. I had mixed emotions. Part of me was disappointed but another part knew I would not make it in medical school.

I finished the semester and then quit the hospital. I tried working at a factory but only lasted two weeks. I took a job as weekend manager at a small motel. My sister moved to an apartment and we gave up the house. Since I was staying three days a week at the motel, I rented a room in a rooming house. This pretty much ended my cross dressing. I did keep a bra that I wore in my room at times. It kind of soothed me. I started taking flying lessons to have something to do besides playing golf. I felt an amazing calm while up in the air.

A person I was playing golf with one day told me that medical schools liked students that went to graduate school. So, I applied and took the Graduate Record Exam. I was accepted and decided to take two classes the first semester. I also hired back onto the hospital, this time as a clinical clerk on a regular floor. I also kept my motel job.

I had been at the hospital about three weeks when two new graduate nurses, Carol and Karen, started on the floor I worked. We were working the night shift so had a lot of time to talk. We got on real well. Carol found out that I was a weekend manager at a motel.

“John, would you mind if Karen and I come over to your motel some time to swim?”

“Sure, that would be OK.”

“Great, how about this Saturday?”

”OK, just let me know what time.”

Around 1 PM on Saturday, Carol called to say they would arrive at 2:00. When they came into the lobby, I went over to them.

“Hi. I’ll show you the pool. I turned to the desk clerk, “I will be at the pool if you need me.” He looked up and smiled a knowing smile. I led them to some chairs by the pool. They took off their cover-ups and sat down at the edge of the pool, dangling their legs in the water. This was the first time that I had even been close to girls wearing just bathing suits. It was causing a strong feeling in me. I think that I was actually starting to feel an attraction to them. Karen was looking especially great to me. I knew I had to leave before I made a fool of myself.

“You all enjoy swimming. I have some work to do. I’ll come back later.”

With that, I made a rapid exit. I went to my room and sat down hard. For the first time, I was feeling almost horny. This really shocked me. Was I attracted sexually to Karen and Carol? I waited about an hour and then went back to the pool. They were getting ready to leave.

“Thanks for letting us use the pool. It was great.” said Carol.

I kind of stuttered a “your welcome” and they left. When I went to work at the hospital on Monday, Carol came up to me.

“I really enjoyed using your pool Saturday.”

“My pleasure.”

“Would you like to come over to our apartment for supper tomorrow?”

This was the first time a girl had invited me anywhere. I realized I had no reason to say no.

“OK, I would like that.”

“Wonderful. See you at six.”

I kind of worked the rest of the night shift in a daze. When I went home, I could not go to sleep I knew this wasn’t a date since both girls would be there. I guessed they were just thanking me for letting them swim. I finally went to sleep and woke up a little before five. I arrived at the girl’s apartment right at 6 o’clock. When I knocked on the door, Carol opened it. I walked in and noticed soft music was playing.

“I’m glad you could come.”

“Hey, no problem. Where’s Karen?”

“Oh, she had to go to work today.”

“Well, we can do this some other time.”

“No, no! I’ve got every thing arranged.”

It was then that I saw a blanket spread on the floor with some candles lit beside it. I thought, ‘Oh man, this is a date’.

”Just lie down on the blanket and I will bring us some finger food.”

So, we ate and talked some. She kept getting closer. I was not really sure what to do. She suddenly leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I guess I must have looked shocked after all it was my first kiss.

“You look a little pale.”

“I’m OK. I just ate a little too fast is all.”

Just then, the phone rang. I thought, ‘saved by ma bell’. When she came back into the room, she had a down cast look.

“I have been called in to work.”

“Oh gee, I’m sorry. Do you want me to drive you?”

“Would you?”

“Sure.”

“OK, give me about 15 minutes.”

I drove her to work in my MGB with the top down. She seemed happy in spite of going to work. When we arrived at the hospital, I turned to her.

“Thank you for the meal. You know I really like both you and Karen.”

She got a strange look on her face and exited the car without saying anything. Of course, without knowing it, I had said a relation ending statement. I thought lot about the evening when I got home. I liked both Carol and Karen but I think that I really liked Karen more. The kiss had caught me off guard but it was pleasant. I even felt some stirring below. Maybe, just maybe, I might be finally getting somewhere sexually. I mean, after all, I am 25 years old.

I did not see either Karen or Carol over the next month. I was now working on a different floor than they were. I could feel my depression returning. I was playing golf with one of the other biology graduate students one day when he suddenly looked at me a little angry.

“How come I have to go to seminar each Friday and you don’t.”

“What?”

“Each graduate student is required to attend a seminar held each Friday and have to give one of them. I have not seen you there yet.”

I had never heard this before. I just shrugged him off. Later, I got to thinking, ‘I am screwing up again.’ It was my depression talking more than anything but it made me lower than ever. So, I stopped going to class. Of course, this meant two F’s and no chance to reapply to medical school. I threw myself into my flying lessons and avoided everyone over the winter. My depression was almost smothering me. In December, I was flying a solo cross country when I got stuck in a town about 60 miles away due to weather. It was after sunset before the snow let up. I was not qualified to fly at night and it would be pretty dark by the time I arrived back at my airport. I decided ‘What the heck. It really doesn’t matter whether I make it or not. No great loss’. So, I took off. My instructor was standing on his head when I arrived at the airport. I landed with no problem but it was a stupid thing to do and he told me so. At the beginning of March, my instructor signed out for me to take the flight test. The tester was nice and I guess I did everything right because, when we landed, he said, “Congratulations. You are now a private pilot.” That was the only bright spot I had experienced for a while. I felt good for a short time, but it did not last long. The next week, I was flying alone and thinking about how messed up my life was. I had seen a flyer on the Peace Corp. I decided that the best thing for me to do was disappear and joining the Peace Corp would do just that.