Chapter 8
by Maggie O'Malley
When Sara was growing up, her "magic crayons" helped her escape the pain. Now as an adult and the world famous Art Angel, can they help her to find the life she's always dreamed of?
Painkillers and bed rest had been the order of the day for Sara while she recovered in the hospital but once home with Prue the real rehabilitation began. Sara went through the blood, sweat, tears, and dilations that all transgender women have to endure after their surgery, but at least she didn't have to go through it alone as Prue was there with cool cloths, kind words, warm hugs, and the occasional kick in the rump when Sara needed that too.
As much as Sara appreciated Prue's help, Prue loved being able to give it. Playing Mother Hen to Sara during her stay was food for Prue's starving maternal instinct. Even hubby who was usually too glued to the tele or too busy raiding the refrigerator noticed the change in his beloved. When he called her on it she commented it was just nice to have someone around to look after. She didn't have to say anymore, the sparkle in her eyes said the rest.
As Sara got stronger, she and Prue began taking walks again, enjoying the beautiful spring weather and talking. Sometimes Prue would pitch story ideas to Sara and she'd suggest possible cover art and inserts for them. Other times they'd talk about Jenna and her family and how they each hoped to be part of something that beautiful one day. Occasionally, each would open up and share stories and dreams from their past, things they never offered over the Internet because no words on a screen could convey their true meaning.
Prue knew that Sara had endured things no child should have growing up. Hearing the fear in Sara's voice as she talked about the beatings she took from her father and her school mates, and seeing the pain in her eyes as she spoke of the nights she prayed to wake up a real little girl or not at all, broke Prue's heart. The tears that ran down Sara's face belonged mostly to a frightened and abused child who just wanted the one thing all children need and she never got enough of, someone to love them. As Prue listened during their daily walks, her hand reached out to comfort the young woman at her side and her spirit reached out to hold the frightened child within her.
Among the dreams discussed was Sara's "mall hop" through the twilight zone. Sara had told Jenna about it as well and originally she concurred with Prue's diagnosis about Sara's pre-hospital jitters and the quality of the cuisine there, but that theory had been blown out of the water, as Sara had been midnight mall strolling again, at least half a dozen times over the last few weeks. Sadly for Sara she seemed to be stuck in a dream loop as she woke up each time the little shopkeeper started to speak. Jenna and Prue sifted through the details of Sara's dream, looking for buried treasure and hidden meanings but couldn't come up with much to tell her. They concluded that it was obviously significant because it was a recurring dream, and the most likely reason it stopped where it did each time was that Sara wasn't quite ready for what comes next, but when she would be ready or what "next" was, was anyone's guess.
Sara hadn't really been scared by the dream. The old man and his little shop seemed friendly enough and even the crowds of people in the mall that normally would terrify her, didn't seem to bother her at all. She'd had so many bad dreams in her life, she prayed this one would end a happy one, but she knew that as long as Prue was close by, she could handle anything in all realities.
During the course of the passing weeks, Sara not only became more comfortable with the changes to her body and physically stronger, but she seemed more at ease, confident and emotionally stronger. Part of that came from the sense of physical completeness she now had and the knowledge she'd finished a long journey successfully, but most of it came from Prue's presence. She had given Sara things she had desperately needed, love, support and security and like a seed given soil, water and light, she was growing and thriving.
Sara's progress had come so far by the end of the month that she was up and about most of the day shadowing Prue and sharing the house duties. So pleased with Sara's speedy recovery, Prue gave her the green light to start working at her sketches and colors again, although her hours and activities were still heavily monitored by "mummy". Prue knew that as long as Sara didn't overdo it, her sketching and painting were as therapeutic and necessary for her recovery as her daily dilations, and infinitely more pleasurable (at least for now).
Prue loved sneaking peeks of the Art Angel at work. At first she did most of her creations from her bed and Prue's heart would melt whenever she'd walk in and find the Art Angel was a sleeping angel with the colored pencil still in her hand and the sketch book laying open by her side. Prue would marvel at the masterpiece Sara had been creating, while she gently took the pencil from her hand and pulled the duvet up over her.
Once Sara was up and about more, Prue set up an artist desk in the sunroom near her computer one. The first time Sara saw it, she went wide-eyed and squealed like a little girl on Christmas morning, which tickled Prue to no end. They both enjoyed making magic side-by-side during the day or whenever the muse whispered. For Sara, the muse often whispered in the middle of the night, and as any good artist knows: when the moose talks, you listen no matter what the hour.
Prue had gotten in the habit of making Jenna "rounds" at night, checking in on Sara same as Jenna did Becky and Cathleen. Whenever Prue found Sara's bed empty, she slipped quietly over to the sunroom. Most every time she found her missing child playing with her muse. Sara would be sitting at her art desk, coloring away feverishly in her nightgown while legs swung back and forth and bare toes wiggled above empty house slippers. The child within Sara was never more visible than she was at moments like that, and as Jenna had lamented before, Prue wished too that she had a camera in her robe pocket.
Six weeks later and with the surgeon's seal of approval Sara was pronounced healthy enough to resume her normal daily duties as long as she continued to follow her post-surgery routine and didn't overdo it. She was told she could go home at any time now. Sara knew that meant she was free to go back to Derby, but England would never be home for her after spending the last six weeks in New Zealand with Prue and her hubby. She had lived nearly thirty years in England, but she'd never knew what a true home was until she'd stayed here. Her cottage in Derby was a hiding place from the rest of the world, a prison cell she willingly had locked herself into. Granted it was a pretty prison and with the Internet she had a lovely picture window to the rest of the world, but it was a prison nonetheless.
Of course, she wasn't the same woman who left Derby almost two months ago, not physically or emotionally. Perhaps this surgery that physically completed her would make a real difference in her life there. Perhaps the courage and the joy she'd found here with Prue would return with her to England and she no longer would be trapped in a life of solitary confinement. The only thing she was sure of was that she'd miss both Prue and her hubby almost more than she could bear.
Sara wasn't the only one agonizing about the impending parting. Prue's heart was aching too. She knew Sara was physically healed enough to go home and back to work, but emotionally was another matter. Yes, she had responded well to the safe and loving environment that Prue had created. Yes, she had grown in strength, courage and confidence, but in Prue's eyes, the Art Angel was still a wobbling baby cherub and not near ready to fly solo. The thought of Sara returning to her empty house and barricading herself inside again broke Prue's heart.
Prue worried about Sara leaving not only for her friend's best benefit, but also for her own as well. She had always had great empathy for all women who suffered from the transgender birth defect like Sara did. She'd also had a great respect for her ability to survive her horrific childhood and admiration for her tremendous ability to create, but something incredible happened over these last two months. Her feelings for Sara were more than just empathy, respect and admiration. That frightened little girl who escaped into the fantasy world her crayons created, had stolen Prue's heart. Prue cared deeply for the young woman who housed the spirit of the child and who struggled to protect it from a world that had beat them both down at every turn. Yes, Sara was a grown woman and the world famous Art Angel, but she was also that little girl who cried to be loved and Prue's heart had heard and answered that cry. Sara had filled that empty spot in Prue's life and heart that only a child could, and thought of releasing her now was as painful and impossible as if she was tossing her own five-year-old onto the street.
Prue had poured out her feeling about Sara to hubby one night, as she knew Sara's departure was impending. Hubby held his beloved, stroking her hair, and comforting the frustrated "mother" as best he could. He knew somehow Sara had touched a place deep in his wife's heart, temporarily filling the void in the barren woman's life, because he too had saw and felt the little girl within the young woman. Sara carried a childlike innocence and vulnerability that had brought out his protective paternal instinct too.
Despite the fact that physically and mentally Sara was a young woman almost the same age as Prue, in her heart and soul, in the place that defines who we truly are, she was still a little girl. He'd seen it in Sara's soft blue eyes whenever she was with Prue, and he's seen Prue's recognition of it every time she reached for Sara's hand or hugged her. He didn't begin to understand how it was possible, but there was no denying its existence.
He also didn't know what to do about it though. Like Prue, if he could reach into the pages of one her best selling novels and borrow a little "Hugglebugs" or "Polymer Magic", he'd surely use it to release the child within the woman, but her muse magic didn't have the power to make happily ever afters in the real world.
They could invite Sara to extend her stay a while longer, but that would only be delaying the inevitable, eventually making the parting that more difficult for all of them.
He even thought about asking Prue how she felt about Sara moving in permanently. He knew Sara had next to nothing to go back to in England and he was sure the anonymous Art Angel could work just as well if not better here. She would have a place to call home and a "family" to look after her. Prue could continue to watch over and help both the little girl and the young woman grow. He was completely in favorite of the idea but there were problems with that as well. One, Sara would have to be comfortable with the idea and two; there was their "other" planned adoption to consider. Having been around Jenna and her children, not to mention Sara, had really kicked Prue's maternal instinct into overdrive and she really wanted to, needed to, adopt her own child. He was sure that as much as Prue loved the child within Sara, she wanted her own little girl to dress in ribbons and bows, and to take to the park to watch play, and grow up one day and hopefully give her grandkids to spoil. Hubby himself had to admit, he'd love to have a little footballer to teach sports too, or a precious little girl to be the apple of his eye, and Sara couldn't do any of those things.
So if Sara was to move in, the sixty-four dollar question becomes what happens when they do adopt the little boy or little girl who can give them all of those things? He didn't believe for a minute that the love either one of them felt for Sara would fade away when a "new" child was brought home, but things undoubtedly would change. It would be quite understandable for Sara to feel rather awkward then and she'd probably leave rather than intrude upon what she'd saw as a true family unit.
Hubby held Prue most of the night, discussing the Sara situation in great detail, giving her his support no matter how she wanted to proceed and most of all, reminding Prue of the many reasons why she married this incredibly beautiful man. When the next morning finally came Prue knew what she wanted to do.
Prue waited until after breakfast to make her pitch to Sara. Sara listened quietly as her friend, sister and mummy offered her a place in her home, to match the one Sara already had in her heart. Sara was tempted by the idea of working side by side with Prue in her sunroom, and touched deeply when Prue added that the invitation was just as much from hubby as it was from her. It was no obligation and no commitment on Sara's part. They just want her to stay as long as she wanted to be there because they loved her.
It was an offer that welcomed both the young woman and the little girl. It was a chance to have a home instead of a lonely prison in Derby, and it was a chance to be with the person she loved and needed most of all. Prue was standing there with her arms wide open, how could she not step into them?
The little girl was ready to pounce into mummy's arms. The young woman wanted to take her friends hand and step into her embrace, yet neither could move as both were paralyzed by the ghosts of pain and suffering past. The damage from a lifetime of being told she was sick and wrong and never good enough couldn't be repaired in six weeks. With Jenna and Prue's help Sara's self esteem had risen greatly, but for the little girl who had been almost a stranger to love or acceptance, the leap into Prue's arms was too great.
Yes, Prue was offering her love, but after all she'd been through could she really believe that she was worthy of anyone's love? If she'd been worth loving, her father wouldn't have looked at her with hate in his eyes and beaten her black and blue with his razor strap. If she'd been worth loving, her mother would have came with her rather then send her off on her own. If she'd been worth loving the other kids wouldn't have teased and shunned and beat her up. After being unloved for so long and by so many how could she EVER believe she was worth being loved, especially by someone as wonderful as Prue?
In her mind Prue was the most wonderful woman in the world, and deserving of a little girl and friend, far better than Sara could ever be. It was one thing to be her Internet friend and to have a holiday at her house for awhile, but to LIVE with Prue and her husband was just taking unfair advantage of their kindness and sympathy. No, she'd been living a fantasy life these past two months, one never meant for the likes of her and if she's was one tenth the person Jenna and Prue keep telling her she was, she'd head back to England straight away and let Prue and her husband get on with their lives. She also knew she'd better do it soon because if she stayed much longer she'd not be strong enough to do the right thing and leave.
Sara couldn't look Prue in the eyes as she shook her head, thanking her for the kind offer but saying she couldn't accept and that she really needed to get back to England. Tears welled in Prue's eyes as she saw someone very important to her slipping away and she didn't want to let go. She started again, this time a bit more emphatic, asking, no begging her to think it over and telling her there was no reason she needed to leave immediately. Sara's blue eyes were brimming with tears when she raised her head to met Prue's gaze. It was all she could do to say she was sorry before turning and running to her bedroom.
Sara stayed in her room until late afternoon, Prue stopped by the outside several times, tempted to come in when she heard Sara crying but knowing this was something Sara had to work out on her own. Sara finally came out of her room around dinnertime and went looking for Prue. She had a pretty good idea of where she'd find her and sure enough the petite pixie was in her sunroom, seated at the computer and staring into a blank screen. When she sensed Sara's presence she looked up and forced a weak smile. Sara could see her beautiful brown eyes were red rimmed from crying just as her own blue ones undoubtedly were.
Sara took a deep breath and started to speak but Prue cut her off. "Look I'm really sorry Sara. I...I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I...I mean hubby and me that is, we both really love you and well...having you here these past two months has really been wonderful, wonderful in ways you'd probably think I was crazy if I told you, and we'd really like you to stay with us, but I understand England's your home and you wanna get back there."
Sara reached out and took Prue's hand and held it lovingly as she spoke. "Prue I do love you and I think your husband is a wonderful man. He's been ever so kind the whole time I've been here. And Prue... these past two months have been the best of my life. They've been wonderful for me in ways YOU'D think I was crazy if I told you, and I do wish I could stay, with all my heart I do, but I just can't. I've gotta get back to England. It's where I belong."
Prue nodded knowingly. "I can understand you wanting to get back to your home."
Sara shook her head and sighed. "Prue, England's not my home. It's where I live, work and I guess belong, but it will never be home because home is where the heart is, and my heart will always be here with you."
Prue pulled Sara into her embrace and held her tight as both woman's tears flowed freely. She didn't really understand Sara's decision but she had to respect it and hope that when Sara was finally ready to come home she knew that Prue would be there waiting for her with open arms.
Three days later Prue was driving Sara into Christchurch to catch her return flight. After their discussion in the sunroom, Prue hadn't pushed the issue any more but had hoped against hope that Sara might still change her mind. As they pulled into the airport terminal it seemed pretty unlikely she would.
They checked Sara's bags and then killed the next twenty minutes making idle chatter, both reluctant to make that final walk to the check in gate, hoping against hope that some last minute divine intervention would change the inevitable. When the conversation and the twenty minutes ran out they knew their luck had went with it and it was time for the big goodbye.
Prue held Sara in her arms, comforting both the child and the woman. Sara had tried to be strong for both her and Prue but faced with possibility of never seeing her friend or mummy again was too much for her and she broke down in sobs. Prue held her, rocking the woman/child and cooing softly as she had during so many of Sara's nightmares. Tears streaming down her own cheeks as she too wondered if she'd ever hold Sara in her arms again.
Finally it was time and Sara pulled away from her. Each choking back tears they exchanged "I love yous" and then Sara went through the gate. She stopped one time and looked back to find Prue smiling and waving at her. Sara returned both the smile and wave before disappearing into the swelling crowd. Prue stayed at that gate until Sara's flight had departed. She couldn't leave as long as there was any chance Sara might come running back to her.
Prue returned home and fired off an email to Jenna letting her know that the Art Angel had her wings. She then sought out her hubby's strong arms and cuddled quietly with him, praying the heavenly angels would watch over her little English angel.
At 30,000 feet the English Angel was in clear view of the heavenly ones, as Sara watched out her window until New Zealand and home disappeared below the clouds. Another round of tears finally exhausted her, and she fell into a fitful sleep. She drifted in and out of old nightmares and even revisited her magical mall hop but just as before, it all faded away from her before the old man spoke a word.
Comments
just as magical as all your stories
Hello agian,
It's such a joy to read your stories even if they have me in tears all the time. Your stories touch the little girl in me. I now wonder if thats how all TS feel. Do we all have the child that never got the chance to grow up? Some more some less but sill?
if you like send me an email: [email protected]
I would really love to hear from you and thank you more personal for your magic touch.
hugs you tightly
Holly
PS:
I don't think I mentioned it before. Sara was one of the names I considerd for myself some 8 years ago. I decided against a name starting with S (even so I liked them a lot) because that would have given me the initials SS and with me being German thats something I did not want.
It may be silly but it pains me to be German if I think of that past, even if it was not may fault. I know my grand parents where ashamed that they were so ignorant and later to frightend and that this caused the world so much pain. But somehow that too is a wound that won't heal.
Actually I would have been put into a KZ for being TS (not worth to live for not being "normal") and would have likely died with the pink triangle marking me as gay.
Friendship is like glass,
once broken it can be mented,
but there will always be a crack.
Your story and a connection....
In reading your "Magic Crayons" I can not but think that any story which reaches into and touches the true heart of maybe only one reader is what writing should be all about, at least to me. In reviewing the comments of one of your readers, Holly, I think that if you do nothing more with your writings (I know you will, your too good not too) then you have achieved what any author should really desire of their work.