The Real Me
By Maggie the Kitten

This isn't a fantasy story. It's just something amazing that happened to me and I wanted to share it.

All my love and thanks to Allie. I could never have found myself without her.

A month or so ago I was having a YIM chat with my good friend and cousin Allie Ellie, better known to me as Little Allie. I was particularly stressed that night about feeling like a little girl lost in a big girl's body and a big girl's world.

For those of you who know me, or know my stories, you know what my greatest dream and desire is. I want to wake up one day and find that I am a real little girl, no longer one in just spirit or soul, but in body and life too. It's a dream some of you understand and sympathize with, and that a few of you even share.

It is my greatest wish, my greatest joy. It is life, or at least the life I know would gave me a true chance at happiness. I've wished for it since I was a small child and have spent most of my life believing that this impossible dream was possible as long as I never gave up hope. I was convinced miracles do happen and would happen to me as long as I kept faith.

So each night I prayed and wished and cried and begged for that miracle and each morning I awoke to find my prayers unanswered. After more years than I care to mention, I could no longer be content with just my nightly prayers. I had to do something while I waited for my miracle.

First, I daydreamed about what I was going to look like and how my life as a real little girl would be. Because of my Irish heritage and matching temperament, I was sure I would have fiery red hair, freckles and big green eyes. I imagined myself in a variety of play dresses with a good measure of bows and always a few jam or jelly stains on my cheeks.

I pictured myself as one of the younger princesses in a big loving family, with plenty of big sisters to drive crazy and they in turn teasing me mercilessly at times. Loads of fluffies, lots of pink, and a crayon in my left hand almost always.

Yeah, it was a bit idealistic, a bit “rose-coloured glasses”, and I knew that. I knew that if my prayers were ever answered, that my life would not be from the pages of a 50's sitcom or a Hallmark greeting card. I would be a real little girl living in the real world and even in the best of families, for the best of kids, life is tough. Growing up isn't easy, but it is got to be a heck of a lot better when you're in the right body, and with family who love and support you.

Well, a few years ago I stumbled onto to some websites and read a few stories by people who seemed to share or at least know my dream. It was a wonderful feeling getting lost in someone else's words and their own version of what I considered to be a toddler version of happily ever after.

Other people's dreams and stories, inspired me to try and find words for my own so I too could share them with others. I wanted to show the world the real me, the real little girl inside, because the thought of me dying, and her never having lived or been loved was more than I could bear.

I sat at the computer, the little girl whispered in my ear and I wrote what she told me, what we wanted, and what we needed. Through our words, she lived, I lived. And while nothing I have ever written has been Pulitzer award winning material, I know from the comments I've received, that I've done what I set out to do.

People know who I am on the inside. They've seen her. They've accepted her and some have even loved her. She has known family, with a loving mum, loads of lovely auntie's and plenty of sisters and cousins to snuggle with, to play with and to terrorize on occasion. And ... my words have touched the hearts of others who feel the way I do, who wish for what I wish for and has given them joy and escape.

I've done all I can do and still I wait for the miracle to give me life. And like most kids, I don't have a lot of patience when it comes to waiting. The night I was talking to Allie I was very low in patience and very low in spirits. I just wanted to see and be that little girl, and nothing else would do.

Allie with her amazing powers of love and magic did her best to give me what I wanted, or at least as much as she had to power to give me. She told me to relax, close my eyes and try to imagine a happy place I'd like to be. She said to just open my mind and let it choose where to go. My heart would give it directions.

I did as she asked and it wasn't look before the blackness lifted and I found myself looking in on a scene at a mall. It may have been the mall nearest my flat, but in actuality it could have been any mall any where. Loads of shops and loads of people milling about.

I wasn't quite sure why my heart had led me to a mall, but it wasn't long before I found out. My gaze drifted over to a play area filled with small children running and playing and giggling. I think most mall's these days have one of those play areas where weary shopping warriors with small children in tow, can rest for a bit and let their children burn off a little energy. You know, ten or twenty minutes of run and fun for the kids and then Mummy's ready to resume her cash or credit crusade.

I looked in on the kid's playing and then I saw her. She was a tiny little thing and as cute as could be. She was in fancy dress, loads of pink and lace and a bow in the back with white stockings and shoes to match. She was the best dressed toddler by far in the place. No doubt her parents had her dolled up for a special occasion or maybe a portrait sitting.

I watched her and smiled as she seemed ever so curious. She kept picking up toys and blocks and dolls and examining them closely as little kids often do. The rest of the scene around me sort of went to a blur as I continued to keep my attention on the one little girl.

Suddenly she turned and looked right at me, which startled me for a moment, because I seemed to be invisible to everyone else. It was when her eyes met mine and she smiled at me that I realized I was looking at me, or the little girl me, that lived in my heart, my soul, my dreams and my stories.

The amazing thing was, save for the fancy dress, she didn't really look at all like I thought she would, or I would. Her hair was up in pig tails but it wasn't fiery red. It was a light brown with just a hint of red tint, almost exactly like my natural hair colour. There were no freckles, and her eyes were a soft blue and not green. Again, she was just the same as me. Her skin colour was not that of a porcelain china doll as I always imagined, but definitely darker like mine. Obviously this little girl had some Italian in her mix like I did and it showed in her complexion.

And then the penny dropped. Of course, this is what she looks like. She's me and had I been born the same little girl on the outside that I was on the inside, I would have looked exactly like she did. For the first time in my life, I was getting a real look at the real little girl within.

I felt as though for a moment we totally connected and we were as one. I felt a little energy surge, and a little excitement and joy, and also a little frustration at being in those fancy dress clothes. As nice as they were and as much as I loved them, they weren't much good for any real run and play and heaven forbid you get them dirty. I felt a giggle and she had one. It was amazing. It was everything I knew it would be.

Once I realized the gift I was being given, the little girl smiled knowingly at me and then wiggled her fingers as if to say, “By George, I believe she's got it.”

She then returned her attentions to exploring the wonders on the carpeted play floor and I was once again invisible to her.

I continued to watch her for awhile and even though I never saw any of her other family members, I know they were nearby. My field of vision opened up to include the entire play area again and that's when I noticed the gold ropes that bordered it and the other people on the outside looking in at the children playing. I wondered if they were part of the scenery or could they be there like me, looking for their own child within. Allie told me after I returned that they were most likely others just like me, looking for what I had found.

Well ... there really isn't much more to share. I watched her, watched me, until I knew I had to return and then I opened my eyes and saw the computer screen. Allie was still waiting patiently for me on YIM. Tears were falling and my fingers were flying on the keys, as I told her everything that had I seen.

Before signing off that night, I thanked her with all my heart for her part in the gift I'd just received. She told me if I really wanted to thank her, then share my experience with others, and inspire them to look within and find their own true self, be it a little girl, a little boy or a man or a woman.

Tonight, I will go to bed and again, like so many of my friends, I will ask for that miracle, to make my insides match my outsides. And if I don't get it, then I hope I can once again return to the mall or wherever I feel like playing, and at least there I will be my true self. To all of you, I hope your wish, your dream, your miracle comes true but while you wait, please open your mind, follow your heart and be the real you any way you can.

Hugs and love from Maggie