Bethany In My Life (Part 10-Final)

Problems On The Fourth Of July

“Rise and shine sleepy head!” Ashley said softly into my hair.

I looked up at her and said, “Good morning, Ashley!” and as I looked into her face, I saw her studying mine for a minute, and just as I was about to ask her what she was looking at, she said, "You know, I think things are catching up with you Beth, you’re starting to get in you’re facial hair.”

I looked at her uncomprehendingly for a moment, then when I got it, I said, “Nooo!” and jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom to look in the mirror.

Ashley came in behind me as I was looking at my reflection and said, “Don’t worry hon, it isn’t too bad yet, still kind of light and thin, but it won’t be that long before you won’t be able to hide your beard, and you’ll have to change back into the boy you are. For now, just shave it all off.”

It hit me when she said that, the despair I felt knowing that my life as a woman was soon coming to an end, was devastating. I felt crushed by circumstances I had absolutly no control over, or answer for. I started crying, and as Ashley turned me around and held my head to her breast, I started to sob uncontrollably. “There, there, “ said Ashley, “You will be able to do this the rest of the summer, then I’ll help you get a new place and find a new job and everything, don’t cry, won’t it be a relief to get back to being a guy again and stop pretending?”

“But I love being a girl!” I said, “I love living with you, and being your girlfreind, I love working at the Center with the kids, and I love having men in my life as a girl!”

“You knew you couldn’t do this for ever Bethany,” said Ashley as she led me out to the couch, “you told me you aren’t gay, or attracted to men so much when you’re not being a woman at least. Don’t you want to get married some day? Make love to a woman, and have children with her? Don’t you really want to have a normal life one-day? I can see how you’ll miss this time, but you’ll have memories, and you can move on soon. You’ll be sixteen, and you can get a job through the state social services.”

I let her talk on, and on, trying to comfort me as I sobbed in her arms, and though I knew she was right, the loss kept me crying for quite a while. Finally I wound down, and with a deeply troubled heart I told her, “I know you’re right, but I have at least till my birthday to be like this don’t I?”

“Of course dear, I wouldn’t want it any other way, you can shave and get by till then, and though I,ve noticed your voice starting to crack a little when you get excited, I think you can control that too until then, it’s not so far away till the end of August.” Replied Ashley.

I sat in her arms and felt miserable as she held me tight, until she said, “Well, if we want the boys to take us out to Santa Cruz and the Boardwalk today for the fourth, we’d better start getting ready!”

I looked up and smiled at her and said, “It will be fun to be distracted by Steve today, I want to think about anything else!”

I had picked out a pair of white shorts and a knit top to wear today, but the way I was feeling, I decided to wear something extra feminine. I wanted to feel as girlish as possible, as much as possible, in the time I had left. A sundress, with a lace collar and cuffs, full skirt, and short sleeves was my choice, with my corset, and stockings and lacy panties rounded out the most feminine outfit I could justify for a day outside in a coastal town. I wanted heels, but knew they would be impractical for what we would be doing, so I settled for some white sandals with a daisy applique on the top. A daisy hairpin sweeping back my hair on one side, and some white clip on earrings and matching choker rounded out my accessories.

Bobby and Steve came by and picked us up, and after Steve approved of my outfit, (the dear!) we piled in Steve’s car and made our way down highway one to Santa Cruz.

“What first?” Steve said as we hit town, the streets were full of pedestrians, and there was hardly any parking.

“Let’s just find a place to park, and then wander through town window shopping, and work our way down to the boardwalk.” Said Ashley.

Steve shrugged and said, “Sounds good!” and drove around for a few minutes until we located an open parking spot. We all piled out, and locking the car, we walked hand-in-hand towards the center of town.

We shopped in boutiques, head shops, art galleries, and even stopped in a little corner bakery that had some of the most wonderful confections I’d ever seen. We’d talked, and laughed like kids, and the sea air, warm sun, and holiday atmosphere had all combined to make me feel wonderful. We made our way down to the Boardwalk, rode rides, worked the electric trains in the Locomotive House, and finally as dusk approached, we went on the giant wood rollercoaster that the Santa Cruz Boardwalk is famous for.

Steve held me tight throughout the wild ride even through the falls and tight turns that tried to pull us apart. I felt my stomach jump and soar, and I don’t think it had anything to do with the ride, I think it was the feeling of having Steve’s strong arms around me that did it. I still think so today, I will never forget the singing in my soul that his firm embrace gave me that day on that rollercoaster.

After the long drive back to San Francisco, we dropped Bobby and Ashley at Bobby’s place, and then Steve turned to me and asked, “Home?”

“You are leaving in a week Steve,” I mentioned, “if you’ll have me, I’d like to go to your home tonight.”

Steve smiled and kissed me, my toes went numb, then everything else, and as he drove me home with him, I could only lean against him with my head on his shoulder.

When we finally got to his room, I asked him, “Are you tired from our day? Or do you think you have the stamina to make love to me all night?” As he considered my question, I unzipped my dress, and let it slither to the floor, then I unzipped him, reached in through the opening in his boxers, and pulled him out. Lowering my mouth to his manhood, I took him in my mouth, slid down on him until I swallowed him, and with my face pressed against his abdomen, I held myself there, and looked up into his eyes far above me, with one eyebrow cocked up.

“I think my stamina is up to it!” He said, and as I started to bob up and down on his shaft, I smiled as I sucked.

He had the stamina, and even though I was insatiable, he let me get him going over and over until dawn.

A Week Of Bittersweet

I left Steve’s house the next morning after a quick shower to wash the smell of sex off of me, and having redone my make up. Going straight to work, I showed up just in time to keep from being late, “Good Morning Margret!” I said as I entered the Center.

“Good Morning Bethany” replied Margret, “You look like you had a nice Fourth of July, did you enjoy yourself yesterday?”

“Yes, some friends and I went to Santa Cruz for the day, and I had fun, how about you? Did you enjoy your fourth?” I asked in return.

“Yes, we stayed home and grilled some steaks, and then went to the fireworks display.” She replied as I walked on through to the hall and went to my day care room.

“Good Morning Katie!” I said sunnily as I came in and started over to take out snack items for the day, “How many will we have today? Do you have any idea?”

“Probably less than twenty, all the non-retail people will have the weekend off, so make enough for twenty, and we ought to have what we need” Katie informed me.

As the morning progressed, it was light work for the four of us, only sixteen kids had been actually dropped off, and it was so relaxed and under control, that we were able to get them all, even the older ones, to take a nap about eleven o’clock. Gathered by the sink, we girls were sitting and relaxing when Julie said, “Didn’t you have any concealer with you this morning Bethany?”

I started, and realised I must have dark circles under my eyes, “No, I don’t usually carry any in my purse”

“You should if you are going to stay out all night, so are you saying goodbye to Steve as hard as you can?” she asked with a sly smile.

I blushed, but just smiled and nodded my head, then I said, “He leaves at the end of the week, and I will miss what we have when he is gone, you know?”

They all smiled and nodded their heads, and we shared a companionable silence as the kids were quiet.

After work, I went home, showered and changed into a cotton dress that I could work in on Sunday, and put on the sexiest underwear I had. When Steve came by, I was waiting by the door, and I had him take me straight to his place.

The next morning, I left Steve’s place for work, and even though I had gotten some concealer, the girls teased me about not sleeping again, and I was dragging a little before I left for the day. I got home and showered and changed into a black mini that hugged me in all the right places, and had Steve take me home with him as soon as he showed up.

Monday I woke up after falling asleep in Steve’s arms, and was feeling so warm and happy, I didn’t want to move for fear that I would wake him and so I just tilted my head up gently, and looked into his big brown eyes.

Tuesday morning, I knew I needed to go home, get a proper shower, put on some new clothes, check in with Ashley, and breathe for about a half-hour before coming back to Steve’s arms.

Wednesday, I woke up in Steve’s arms, and was able to get up without waking him. I got dressed and was able to slip out, I guess I had tired the poor dear out. I rode and walked until I made it to Fannie’s Delights, and picked up a bite, then I walked towards home, as I crossed the street onto our block, I heard a honking, and turned to see Kelly’s van pulling up. It stopped next to me, and Paul leaned out the passenger side window, and said, “Bethany! You ready for a little Wednesday buzz?”

My jaw was as sore as my backside, but it was a good sore, “Why not guys! But you have to get me back by four, Steve is going to pick me up at five. Ok?” I asked as I piled in the VW bus.

Kelly smiled, and said, “It’s only ten in the morning man! I think you are expecting to smoke Paul’s whole stash if we’re gonna get stoned until four man!”

I leaned forward between the front seats and ran a finger down both their thighs and said, “You guys toke on your joints, and I’ll just toke on your joints, I’ll match you joint for joint, till four, huh?”

They looked at me, then looked at each other, then their eyes got wider, and Kelly said, “Hey man, don’t screw around, I don’t think my poor little heart can take it.”

“Well,” I said in a low whisper, “I am feeling a little over the top today, just can’t seem to get enough, but I don’t think I said anything about screwing around, I just wanna blow you two for a few hours, is that alright?”

I don’t think I heard any more comments the rest of the afternoon, unless you count moans.

Waking up in Steve’s arms on Thursday morning felt wonderful, I knew he had to pack and get ready, his bus left tonight, and I had just about monopolized his time as much as I could. I looked at his sleeping face, and knew I would miss his tender loving. I felt in my heart that this may be the last time I ever was made love to as a woman, and it was sad, but I had an inner-glow from the last week of insatiable sex I’d just had. I thought about the week, and decided I had said goodbye to Steve in the way most appropriate for out relationship, and decided to try and sneak out without waking him. I quietly got out of bed, got dressed, and let myself out, I rode down to Lands End, and climbed down the little path to the strip of beach at the bottom, found a tree overlooking the water, climbed up and sat on a branch, and watched the surf roll in all day. When it finally got dark, I made my way home, and Ashley was waiting for me.

“Where have you been!” she demanded, “Steve came by this morning frantic to see you and say goodbye, we’ve all been looking all over town for you!”

“I said my goodbyes all week to Steve” I replied, “today I said my goodbyes to myself”

She looked at me a minute, and then swept me into her arms and held me, I cried some tears, but not much, my sorrow was worked out by my day, and I just shed some tears for the dearness of Ashley’s concern. “I love you Ashley” I told her.

“I love you too Beth” she said back to me as she held me tight.

Twilight Days

The days passed quickly, day care on weekends, my Wednesday afternoons with Kelly and Paul, (the only sex I was getting anymore) and glorious moments throughout, going to concerts and bars with Ashley, and just being with her at home and at night. A pall had settled over my days however, I was nervous about losing all this, and the thought of dealing with life on my own, was wearing at me. Ashley was feeling it too, as she said once when she was feeling particularily blue herself, “It’s like I am losing a girlfriend, and a sister all at once, I will miss having Bethany in my life!”

I gave my notice at the Center, giving my last weekend as the twenty-third and twenty-fourth, I told them I was starting college. I also obtained a copy of my birth certificate from the Concord County Registrars Office so that I could re-establish my identity, and got the information needed to figure out how to get the state to make me a ward of the state through social services so they could authorise a work permit for me. The decision was made to make my birthday, Wednesday, August twenty-seventh, the last day I would ever be Bethany. Throughout all these preparations, Ashley aided and worked for me, keeping my spirits up even as she assisted me in creating a new life for myself without Bethany in it, It must have been hard for her.

I didn’t try to get involved with anyone, my beard was becoming thick enough that after about eight hours, I would have stubble you could feel, even though it wasn’t visible at all until the next morning. I just shaved well before my Wednesdays with Kelly and Paul, not wanting to give up the last exciting sex I was receiving as Bethany until the end.

I wore the most feminine underwear and clothes I could find in my wardrobe, just knowing that I would be going back to male attire soon, (yuck!) made me want to cherish the feelings that went along with being as feminine as possible all the more.

Helen too, had been told of my upcoming ‘return’ to L.A. which she declared her sadness at hearing. She insisted on throwing a birthday party for me on my last day in the city.

The feeling of being appreciated by everyone, not just my friends, but even total strangers, just because I was percieved as a woman. The feeling that I could be pleasant and open with everyone, not competitive or macho, just because I was passing as a woman. The feelings that came with caring about my appearance, my clothes, my makeup, even my expressions of face and body, and by extension, my caring about myself. These would all soon end for me, and this was the worst pain of all. Even though there was effort involved in maintaining my feminine self, it did not feel like work, it felt like self-pampering, not self-involved, just life-involved. All to be changed into the shallow, competitive, self-involved, and aggressive behaviour required by our society for ‘manly’ behaviour.

There were thoughts too, about whether or not I could perform sexualy with a woman half as well as I already had with men. I had only ever really known sex with men, and I knew that even with the macho behaviour of being a man, I would have trouble relating to women romantically at first. When I finally did develop a relationship with a woman, I had no idea how well, or poorly, I might perform.

Worries too, about dealing with the state, getting a job, finding housing, and dealing with the challenges that were coming, all were tearing at my enjoyment of my last days with Bethany. It would be all over soon, and Bethany would end, my heart quaked, and broke for her.

Goodbyes

It was the end of the last workday, Sunday evening, the children had made their goodbyes, and some had told me they would miss me, one or two tearfully even. I had cried a couple of times when that had happened, I hoped they would all have happy lives. When we were done getting the room cleaned up, and everything was put away, I walked down the hall with the three women I had come to think of as my friends, as we entered the main lobby, Margret started singing, ‘for she is a jolly good fellow’ and everyone in the room, including Katie, Linda, and Janice, even Henry, joined in.

“We all wanted you to know how much we have appreciated having you here with us Bethany,” said Henry.

“Yes, you’ve been a great co-worker, and a sweet person to have in our midst!” added Margret.

“We’ll all miss you!” said Katie.

“Yes, we will!” chimed in Linda and Julie.

“Thank you so much!” I declared, tears forming in my eyes, “I’ve loved being here with all of you, you’ve all made me feel so welcome and comfortable, I will never forget you guys!”

We all stood around and talked, I had to offer fabrications about what I would be doing and where, but my feelings for them were self-evident, and we were all a little sad, Henry said, “Well, if you ever come back, and want another job, you have it!”

“Thank you Henry, thank you all!” I gushed.

Hugs and tearfull goodbyes were exchanged all around, and as I left, I felt torn between good feelings for all of them, and bad feelings about leaving them.

Tuesday, I went by the garage, and found the band practicing, I stayed and listened, and when they finished, I got high with them, and asked Kelly, “Can you and Paul give me a ride home?”

“Sure man!” said Kelly.

As we piled into the van, I said to Kelly, why don’t we go over to the Polo Field, and I’ll say goodbye to you two properly?”

“Ok man! That sounds great!” said Kelly. Then we went and parked, and I gave them their ‘proper’ goodbyes.

I woke up Wednesday, my birthday, wrapped in Ashley’s arms, we stayed that way for more than an hour, neither one of us willing to give up the last morning togeather. She had seen to my new place, a flop on Hayes Street, a couple of blocks east of the Alamo Square, she had paid six months rent for me, and I would be sharing the place with a bunch of other people in an almost communual environment. That and five hundred dollars, and a duffle bag of male clothes, were all set for me to walk out of my life as Bethany, and to start my new life fresh.

We finally got up, and we got ready to go down to the Birthday party Helen had prepared for me. I put on my clothes and make-up as Bethany for the last time. Finally, we went downstairs where we found Helen, Bobby, Don, Kelly, and Paul in the kitchen.

They sang me the ‘Happy Birthday’ song, Helen had a cake, and we sat around eating it while they each gave me a little present, a neclace from Paul, some bath oils from Kelly, a glass rose from Don, and a peace pendant from Bobby. Helen came up, and gave me a framed picture of her, Ashley, and myself that had been taken by someone in front of The Integral Fellowship Church. “So you will always remember us!” Said Helen.

“I’ll miss you so much! You’ve been like a mother and a friend all wrapped up in one for me. Thank you!” I said as I hugged her. We sat and talked, finally, we said our goodbyes, Ashley had arranged to borrow Kelly’s VW bus, and she and I went up and retrieved the duffle bag, and we went out and got into the van. Ashley started it up, and we drove to the Alamo Square, where I used some cold cream and tissues Ashley had brought, to clean off my make up, then I removed my fingernail polish, and trimmed my nails short. I got undressed, and then put on some jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers. Finally, Ashley took some scissors, and chopped my hair shorter all over. Each little change was like a stake being driven into my heart, and by the end, we were both crying, we held each other until we stopped, and then Ashley drove us a few blocks to my new home.

“Well, this is it” said Ashley as she stopped in front of a run-down Victorian house that needed some new paint, it appeared to have once been blue.

“God Ashley!” I exclaimed, “How will I ever thank you for everything, for saving me?”

“I feel so fortunate to have known you, I’ll never forget you” she told me.

“I love you Ashley!” I said hugging her.

“I love you too!” she replied hugging me back.

We cried for a little again, then I got out of the van, and watched Ashley start the van and drive away, we waved, and she was gone.

I knew that it was Bethany she had loved, and who had loved her, with a sigh, I turned towards my new home, and my new life.

Copyright BethanyDaWade

The End - Coming soon, the second book of Bethany's life