We didn’t say anything as we made our way to the café. I couldn’t tell from his face or anything else what he was thinking...     Football Girl Chapter 13 By Susan Brown

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Previously...

I looked in the wing mirror and saw that my face was in need of repair–again–and saw in the reflection that Andrew walking up to the car.

Turning around, I looked at him as he stared at me.

‘What?’ I said.

‘You’ve been crying.’

‘So?’

‘Is it because of me?’

‘No…yes…I don’t know. Everything is making me cry at the moment.’

Looking at him, I saw that he was wearing of all things a Melchester sweat shirt. It looked nice on him and … I wasn’t going there. What is up with me?

‘I…I think we need to talk,’ he said, ‘fancy a coke in the cafeteria?’

And now the story continues…

We didn’t say anything as we made our way to the café. I couldn’t tell from his face or anything else what he was thinking.

Thinking about him, I realized that he was the only male friend I had, now Jeff was effectively my father. You treat your dad differently to your friends and anyway, Jeff had always been a sort of father figure to me.

Oh, I had mates that I had played football with but other than play with them, I didn’t have any other contact. Andrew was a school friend, one of the few boys who had shown any interest in me as a person and not some sort of footballing freak.

As we entered the cafeteria, Andrew turned to me; ‘Grab a couple of seats while I get the drinks…coke all right?’

I nodded and went to a quietish corner and sat at an empty table. My heart was banging away as if I had done a couple of heavy circuits and I wondered what he was going to say. A few minutes later he came back with the cans of drink and two KitKat chocolate bars.

I poured my drink into a glass–I hate drinking from cans–and unwrapped the KitKat. The silence was deafening and I had to say something.

‘Sorry,’

He looked up, his blue eyes staring at me for a moment. He was frowning and a lock of his hair was flopping over one of his eyes. I wanted to reach over and push it out of the way for him…

‘What are you sorry about, the fact that you have kept all this from me or that you were found out?’

‘That’s not fair; I have been through hell and back over the past few weeks and I really don’t know if I’m coming or going and now you…’ I just had to start crying didn’t I? Why the hell couldn’t I keep my emotions under control anymore?

I felt his hand on my wrist; looking up, I could see that he was upset too.

‘Don’t–don’t cry; look I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I know what you have been through with your step dad and that, ’an all of a sudden you are this big football star, who wants to be a girl…’

‘I am a girl.’ I whispered, rather pleased somehow that his hand was still on my wrist, so close to my hand.

‘Are you really? You aren’t just going through what my mum would call a phase?’

‘If it’s phase, it’s one that’s lasted most of my life and now that I might lose my–my genitals, it looks like I could be physically one sooner than I thought.’

‘What do you mean, lose your genitals? What’s happened?’

‘I’ve been to see a specialist today and she said…’ I told him everything I knew and he looked shocked. He took his hand away from my wrist and pushed his unruly hair out of his eyes.

‘S—So what happens if you do lose your erm–genitals?’

‘I’m not sure yet. Just because I won’t have any wouldn’t make me a girl. I could take male hormones and that would give me the male look and strength I suppose, but if I didn’t and started taking estrogen that would give me bigger breasts…’

‘Are…are they your breasts?’

‘Yes, not much yet, but they’re big enough to cause problems when I’m in boy mode.’

‘Oh, bugger!’

‘As you say, “oh bugger”. If the club or, God forbid, the press get to know, I would be in soooo much trouble.’

‘Fancy another drink?’

‘No thanks.’

He asked me some more questions about the medical side of things; a lot of which I didn’t yet know the answer.

‘So I’ve got to wait and see the results of these tests and then make some sort of decision. I want to at least play for Melchester until the end of the season, but if I can’t then I don’t know what will happen.’

We were both quiet for a while, lost in our own thoughts. Andrew was toying with his glass and I was wondering where all this was going. After a while he looked up and smiled.

‘I’ve been a bit of a pratt, haven’t I?’

We looked at each other and for some reason started laughing.

The tension vanished and we began talking like friends–but it seemed different; Andrew was talking to me like he would a girl, I think. It was difficult to pin down but he definitely was treating me differently.

He looked at his watch.

‘Look I have to go and see mum. I’ll ring you tonight. Are you still on the same mobile number?’

‘No, I had to change it.’ I replied and gave him my new number.

‘Right, speak to you later then?’

‘Okay.’

He hesitated and then in a rush said. ‘I think you look a lovely girl and nothing like Mark when you’re dressed like that. It’s funny, when you play football, you can be quite aggressive, I’ve seen you chop down players and all that stuff, but now, looking like you do, you are all girl.’

‘Girls do that playing football, you know, it’s not just a boy thing. Girls can be aggressive.’

‘Yes but…’

‘Do you mind?’

‘Do I mind what?’

‘My being all girl?’

He stood up and looked at me.

‘No, I don’t mind; in fact I think–no I’ll speak to you later, ’bye.’

‘’Bye.’

On the way home, I thought about him, not really knowing my feeling toward him. It was strange, I was experiencing the after effects of those dodgy pills and my libido was, I thought zero and yet, I had feelings, for a boy. How wacky was that?

Claire was her usual inquisitive self, but I played dumb and wouldn’t tell her what Andrew and I talked about. I could see Mummy’s eyes in the rear view mirror and knew that I would be having some sort of interrogation session when I got home.

When we finally arrived home–it seemed to take an age for some reason–I said I had a headache and needed to lie down. With the door closed and lying down on the soft bed, I ran over all that had happened today. The medical things and my talk with Andrew; it was a lot to take in and I wasn’t sure where everything was going. All I knew was that my future looked far from clear and I felt that a lot of things about my future were totally out of my control.

I must have fallen asleep. Something woke me up and when I looked at my watch, I noticed that it was nearly four pm.

I yawned and got up. I would have loved to have gone out for a run in the grounds, but remembered what the club physio said; that I should be careful with my neck, otherwise I might not be fit enough for the game.

Instead, I went downstairs to see what was going on. Josie was feeding the twins; Jeff was in the study and Claire must have been in her room, because I couldn’t find her downstairs. I didn’t want any questions, so I just told Josie that I was going for a walk and left her to feed and clean up after the girls.

It was nice, if a bit cold as I strolled around. Mind you, the clean cold fresh air woke me up a bit as I pottered around looking at the various trees and plants in the formal garden. I hadn’t been to this part before, but loved the fact that even in winter; some of the plants had pretty flowers. I stood in front of one lovely bed pink flowers and jumped as I realised that someone was talking to me.

‘That’s a Pansy.’

I turned around and saw an old man, with a spade in his hand and a flower pot in the other.

‘Oh, sorry; I didn’t see you there.’

‘That’s all right, Miss. I didn’t mean to startle you.’

‘I’m Susan.’

‘Good day to you, Miss Susan, my name’s Jake; I’m the gardener.’

‘I—I haven’t seen you here before.’

‘I live in the cottage at the other end of the property with my wife Elsie. She used to cook for the owners, but she retired about two year ago–not that she wanted to.’

‘Why did she?’

‘What, Miss?’

‘Why did she retire?’

‘Because the owner’s wife wanted to do all the cooking herself.’

‘But not the gardening.’

‘No she didn’t have green fingers,’ he replied, laughing.

I smiled; he seemed a nice old man.

‘I didn’t know that the place came with a resident gardener.’

‘It doesn’t and I’m not paid any more, but we are sitting tenants and I feel that I should at least do my bit by keeping the garden tidy.’

‘Well I had better let you get home, Mr?’

‘Just call me Jake.’

‘Thanks, Jake; I’ll see you around.’

‘Okay, Miss.’

‘Oh, please call me Susan.’

‘I can’t do that, all the same to you, Miss Susan, will that be all right?’

‘If you insist.’

He just smiled and I continued my walk.

By the time I got back to the house, it was beginning to get dark and I was quite cold. Claire was watching TV–well she was sort of asleep in front of it, so I didn’t disturb her. I went into the kitchen where Josie looked as if she was trying to make something. Her hair was covered in flour and the kitchen table looked like a minor war had taken place on it.

‘What’s up?’ I asked inquisitively.

‘I’m trying to make a meat pie.’

‘Oh.’

‘Don’t oh me, Susan, you know cooking isn’t my strong point.’

‘I’m sure it will be nice.’

‘Mmm.’

I left her to it and went up to my bedroom. I had an idea but didn’t want to say anything at the moment.

I put my coat in the wardrobe and deciding I wanted to change, got undressed and scratched my itchy breasts distractedly as I thought about what I would wear. In the end, I settled on a cream cotton blouse and black thigh-length skirt which was a sort of cotton mix. Feeling a bit bored, I put on some makeup and brushed my hair a different way. I liked the effect so it stayed that way.
My phone sort of chirped and I saw it was Mum, calling from bonny Scotland.

‘Hi, honey, how are you?’

‘Hello, Mum; I’m glad you called, I was going to ring you later.’

‘How did it go at the doctors today?’

Well, it was like this…’

I told her all that had happened. She was worried about the results of the test on the pills and the fact that I may have been damaged by them.

‘So when is the op?’

‘I don’t know yet, but the doctor said sooner rather than later.’

‘I should come down…’

‘No, mum; with step father being around somewhere, I think you’re safer where you are.’

‘I miss you, love?’

‘I know, I miss you too. Remember, you’ve been through the mill as well as me and you need Auntie Chris to look after you for now. I have Josie and Jeff remember.’

‘I know, they’re lovely people, aren’t they?’

‘Yes, I love them lots.’

‘That’s good; anyway I had better go as your aunt wants me to go to a whist drive, whatever that is.’

‘Okay, mum, I’ll ring you real soon; love you.’

‘Love you too, sweetie, bye.’

‘Bye.’

Tea was okay, but the pie was somewhat overcooked. I didn’t say anything, but remembered the idea I had earlier. I would try to sort it out over the weekend.

Claire and I watched old episodes of Buffy after tea lying on my bed. She tried to pump me about Andrew but I just said that we had patched up our differences and left it at that. She wasn’t happy about it, but that was her problem.

I was quite tired, so after watching two episodes, I decided that I needed some sleep. After going downstairs for some cocoa, I got ready for bed and slipped under the covers in record time. I read a girlie mag for about twenty minutes and then the phone rang. It was Andrew.

‘H…hello?’

‘Hi, Susan, its Andrew.’

‘Hi, Andrew, how is your mum?’

‘Didn’t Claire tell you?’

‘Oh yes, she’s doing okay. Sorry, I’m a bit zoned out at the moment.’

‘Yea, you’ve been through a lot today.’

‘Tell me about it…’

‘About today.’

I wondered what he was going to say. ‘Yes?’

I could hear him take a deep breath.

‘Look, I’m sorry that I came on a bit heavy at first. It was all a bit of a shock seeing you like that…’

‘Like what?’

‘You know–a girl.’

‘Didn’t I look right?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘As a girl or did I look like Mark dressed as a girl.’

There was a pause.

‘No…you looked lovely.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I…I don’t know. I’m all confused, you are a mate and then you look like that…a girl and a pretty one too…God this is so hard.’

‘Do…do you like me as a girl?’

There was silence at the other end and I wondered if he had ended the call or something then I heard a whisper that I could hardly catch.

‘Yes,’

My heart was thumping, in a brief flash, I knew that he felt something more for me than I thought possible.

‘Look, Susan, I know that I’m being weird, but I do like you…as a girl, and…and… I was, erm wondering if…I, I mean we could, I mean might erm…’

‘Go out?’

‘Y…yes.’

‘On a date?’ I asked. ‘Mmm’

‘Like a boy and girl date?’

‘If…if you want. If you don’t, I still want to be your friend, I would understand if…’

‘Yes.’

‘And we could still be mates and hang around and…did you just say yes?’

‘Yes I did. But no heavy stuff, we need to be careful I don’t want to hurt you and you, I hope don’t want to hurt me.’

‘Course not–are we weird, you know, doing this?’

I thought for a moment. ‘Well, I don’t feel weird, do you?’

‘No, it feels sort of okay, you know?’

‘Yes, I do know what you mean but we’re only fifteen so we’ve got plenty of time to make sure we don’t do anything silly.’

‘Yes, you’re right. Look, I’ve just seen what the time is, can I speak t’you tomorrow?’

‘Yes, okay–no, I can’t; the team are going up to Manethorpe tomorrow for the match on Saturday so it might be difficult…Look I’ll try to ring you from the hotel tomorrow night but don’t throw a wobbly if I don’t because I don’t know what’s happening yet.’

‘Ring me if you can, if you can’t you can always text me.’

‘Okay, you had better go I suppose…’

‘Yes…goodnight then.’

‘Night.’

The phone went dead. I stared at my mobile as I thought about the conversation I had just had. Agreeing to go out with a boy was a strange thing for me to think about; it made me wonder about my sexuality. I never thought that I would be attracted to boys, but thinking about it, I hadn’t thought about girls that way, either. I felt a bit damp down below for some reason, so I went to the bathroom and washed my panties out. I tried not to think about the cause of the wetness, it was all too much after the day I had had. After pulling on a clean pair I returned to my bed and, cuddling my rabbit, I went to sleep.

The following afternoon found me back in boy mode. Jeff had given me a lift to the club and in what seemed like no time I was aboard the luxury coach with the other players on the way to Manethorpe.

The atmosphere was relaxed, some of the lads had a card school, going and I was invited to join in but declined as I was clueless about cards. Others were reading their books or listening to their iPods. I took the opportunity to text Claire, Josie, Jeff, my mum and Andrew. By the time I had finished, my fingers were quite worn out!

The physio came and sat down beside me as we travelled up the motorway.

‘How’s the neck, Mark?’

‘Okay, not a twinge.’

‘Turn your head to the left and right as far as you can go.’

I did as he asked.

‘Nothing?’

‘No; it feels all right.’

‘That’s good, I’ll check again before the match. Any other niggles?’

Apart from my crushed breasts needing scratching? ‘No, I feel fine.’

‘That’s good, see you later.’

He got up, leaving me to read the text just received from Andrew.

Hi Susan,
I hope you r ok
My mum ok, Claire with me. Still okay 4 date?
And

I replied straight away.

Hi And,
Glad mum ok. Looking forward 2 date. Have u told Claire?
Sus

I hadn’t had time to talk to Claire today as she had to go out and I was busy with packing and reading some long boring contract that Jeff had handed me.

A few seconds later came the reply.

Yes, she’s kwl, wants 2 B bridesmaid, shes nuts.
And

I wasn’t sure that it was a good idea to tell Motor Mouth Claire about Andrew but I realised that she would find out sooner rather than later. What was the betting that Josie and Jeff would know all about it by tea time? Mind you, it wasn’t serious and it was only a date so what harm would it do to tell them?

The coach arrived at the hotel at six o’clock. We had a bite to eat in the restaurant and then went to our rooms. I had been worried that I might have to share a room, but because of my age, I was given an individual one.

Some of the other lads went back downstairs for a while to watch a football match on Sky TV but I just said that I had to catch up with a few people and I would see them in the morning.

‘Going to have an all night chat with the girlfriend?’ said one of the trainers laughing.

‘No one would have him,’ said Ogsood, digging me in the ribs.

‘Ha ha.’ I said, waving them off and going to my room. If only they knew!

They were a good bunch and I liked them all. I did wonder when I joined the club if there were any prima donnas then I laughed as that was a term for a lady opera singer!

I went up to the bedroom and let myself in using the pass card.

Locking the door, I quickly stripped off, had a shower making sure my hair would stay dry by using a shower cap, dried myself and then from the bottom of my case, I pulled out a long pink satin nightie.

I sighed as I let the slinky fabric slide down my body. It was nice to get out of boy mode and be in happy girlieland again! I switched on the TV and watched a nature programme, it didn’t take me long to drop off to sleep even though it was quite early.

The phone went off and it took a few moments to realise where I was.

I reached for the phone and nearly dropped it.

‘Mmm?’

‘Good morning; this is your morning call, it’s seven-thirty am.’

I put the phone down and took a few moments to become compos mentis, as one of my boring old teachers used to say. Then my eyes snapped wide open again.

I was playing my first away game and it was against Manethorpe, the hardest team in the league and with the worst record. The ground was intimidating and the crowd were fanatical. According to the lads, Manethorpe had born a grudge against Melchester ever since our team won the FA cup four years previously with a dubious goal. This game was not going to be a walk in the park and I expected to get a few bruises before the day was out.

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To Be Continued...

Please leave comments...thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing and pulling the story into shape. and to the equally lovely Angharad for her expertise and support.