‘That is you! What the hell is going on here?’ Claire stepped in quickly, dragging Andrew off me. ‘Look, Andrew, don’t throw like, a wobbly. We can explain…’     Football Girl Chapter 12 By Susan Brown

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Previously...

After about twenty minutes we could see that she was getting a bit tired so we said our goodbyes and walked out. We had just turned left out of the ward when I collided with someone, I landed on the floor and he sort of fell on top of me.

“Andrew!” shouted Claire.

My heart sank as I saw him get up and dust himself down then look down at me.

“Sorry, Miss, I didn’t see–M-Mark is that you?”

And now the story continues…

‘I…I…I.’

‘That is you! What the hell is going on here?’

Claire stepped in quickly, dragging Andrew off me.

‘Look, Andrew, don’t throw like, a wobbly. We can explain…’

Struggling to untangle my legs and getting up, I felt rather sick because Andrew sounded far from friendly. I stood up finally and faced him. ‘Hello, Andrew.’

‘Christ, you even sound like a girl. This isn’t Halloween you know. Are you doing this for a bet or something?’

I was still speechless but Claire wasn’t. ‘Look, you plonker, we can’t talk here, let’s go to the hospital cafeteria.’

We trooped downstairs to the café, got ourselves some cokes and sat in a relatively quiet corner.

‘Right then, what’s going on and why do you look like that?’

Taking a deep breath, I tried to explain.

‘Look Andrew, this is no joke. I have been dressing secretly as a girl for years. It was only when my step father went too far and I had to get away, that I started to do this full time when I’m not doing my football thing.’

As I explained all that had happened his mouth kept doing impressions of a halibut. After I finished, Andrew looked incredulous as if he couldn’t get his head around the fact that I was now a girl.

‘But you can’t be a girl; you play football.’

‘Lots of girls, like play football,’ said Claire.

‘Yea, but not professionally; what happens when the press finds out an’ that?’

‘I don’t know: look I need time and hope that things work out in the end.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘For you to have a go at me or laugh, tell everyone and then make my life… a… a misery? No thanks; we weren’t close enough for that.’

Andrew looked a bit sick. I had never noticed before that he had nice eyes and his nose tipped upward at the end…He looked nice too, still wearing his scout uniform…better than the jeans and t shirts he normally wore…I shook my head, clearing out these weird thoughts and nearly missed what he said next.

‘You could have told me. What sort of friend do you think I am? I don’t have many and I stick up for the ones I do have.’

He got up.

‘I have to go and see mum now,’ he said in a dead sort of voice. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t blab to the press.’

‘Are…are we still friends?’

‘Course you are like, friends,’ Claire butted in.

‘I…I don’t know. I was sort of proud that my mate was a famous footballer, but I’m not sure I can take all this and the fact that you didn’t like me enough to trust me with your secret…I need to think; see you.’

He went off and I sort of started to get a bit weepy.

‘Don’t worry, Susan, He’ll come round, it’s just that he’s like, stubborn an’ that.’

I didn’t say anything, not sure of my feelings and confused about–everything really.

That night, I didn’t sleep very well and my thoughts did not stray far from Andrew and his reaction me. I wondered if he would still be my friend and also whether he would out me. Then there was the doctor’s appointment the next day. Why were my breasts growing like this and were the pills that I had been taking, somehow bad ones?

The next morning I was woken up by Claire jumping on my bed. ‘Come on, Susan; your mother’s called up three times for you to get up. The last one sounded a bit like she was going to, like, come and throw a bucket of water on you or something.’

‘What time is it?’ I yawned.

‘Nearly nine and you’ve about an hour to get ready before the doctor’s appointment.’

That woke me up all right. My heart sunk and then did a sort of a flip as I realised that this was a bit of an important day for me. Getting up, I went to the bathroom while Claire got herself ready. She was coming with us and was going to be dropped off at the hospital to visit her mum while we went on to see my doctor. We would be picking her up on the way back.

I wasn’t very hungry at breakfast and just toyed with my cornflakes. Josie didn’t say anything and I think she realised I was a bit worried.

I was wearing a pink angora jumper and a white medium length cord skirt. My hair was in a high pony tail using a pink scrunchie. I went easy on the makeup, not wanting to seem to be overdoing it.

‘Bye, Daddy.’ I said giving him a quick kiss and a hug.

‘Bye, honey, let me know how you get on and don’t worry, it will all work out, I’m sure.’

I just nodded and then gave the twins a quick peck on the top of their heads, their faces being covered in breakfast cereal.

Jeff was staying at home and working in the office. He was going to look after the twins too, so we didn’t have to worry about them today.

The doctor had consulting rooms near the town centre and just half an hour later we pulled up in the car park and made our way to reception. As soon as we were inside, the receptionist checked me off on her computer and asked us to sit in the waiting room.

There were several comfy chairs and we sat and waited for the doctor. At least the place was empty other than us so I didn’t have the embarrassment of being stared at.

A few minutes later a door opened and lady wearing a white coat with a stethoscope hanging round her neck came out. She was, I suppose about thirty and very pretty; slim, with long straight brown hair.

‘Hello, Susan and Josie?’

We both nodded.

‘Will you both come in, please?’ We followed her into the consulting room where she sat behind a desk, motioning us to take a seat opposite her.

‘My name is Dr Connor. I have some notes here, but they are far from complete. Now Susan, can you tell me a bit about why you present as a girl. Don’t worry, I’m not judgemental and I only want to help you decide the way forward.’

‘Do you want me to wait outside?’ asked Josie.

Dr Connor looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

‘C–can you stay, Mummy?’

‘Of course, love.’

I told the doctor about my dressing and then how I had almost certainly wanted to be a girl. I also told her about my other life as a footballer and the problems I had trying to keep the two sides of my life apart.

‘Thank you, Susan, that gives me a better picture of what you have been going through. It sounds a bit complicated to say the least! What I need to do now is examine you and take some blood. Is that okay with you?’

I nodded.

‘I’ll wait outside.’ said Josie as I was given a gown to wear.

The doctor left while I changed. The gown was one of those that did up at the back and left your bottom rather exposed, so it was hardly what you would call flattering. After putting it on, I noticed that my breasts were rather prominent through the thin white material. I wasn’t big by any means, but it wasn’t what I expected to have–yet anyway.

There was a knock on the door.

‘C–come in.’

Dr Connor walked in with a file in her hand. ‘Good, you’ve changed. Would you like to jump up on the examination couch? I’ve just received the results of the tests that were done on the pills you were taking. I haven’t had time to look at them but will do so after I have had a good look at you.’

I don’t like medical examinations and this one didn’t make me feel any better about them. I was prodded, poked, had needles stuck in me, I lost about an armful of blood; readings were taken of my heart and blood pressure. I was surprised as it was even more thorough than the medical I had had at the club.

While she did the tests, she asked me a number of questions that were rather embarrassing.

‘Susan, do you have many erections?’

‘N…no.’

‘When was the last time?’

‘Well, before I started to take the pills, my penis was a bit hard when I woke up in the morning, but not very, if you know what I mean.’

‘Have you ever masturbated? Don’t be shy, most kids, girls and boys do it sometimes.’

I felt myself go hot as I struggled to answer.

I…I tried a few times, but I don’t think I did it properly as nothing much came out: just some clear stuff.’

‘So you know what semen looks like.’

I nodded, feeling my face get hotter. ‘I…I saw some things on the internet and we did sex education at school.’

The examination continued after that. It wasn’t nice when she stuck her finger up my bottom and wiggled it about a bit and then, she messed about with my genitals and that hurt a lot, so I was feeling a bit bruised and battered to say the least. She examined my breasts and I had funny sort of feelings there as she examined them, once again I was getting a bit hot and I wondered if it showed how embarrassed I felt. I was asked several times to wee in a little pot thingy but was too nervous. I was then told to have a large drink of water and sit down for a break.

‘I’ll have a look at these results for those pills while you have a rest and I will ask your mother to come back in.’

As I sipped the water, Josie came in and sat down next to me. ‘How’s it going, kiddo?’

‘Oh, Mummy, I hate these examinations.’

‘Well, no one likes them. You aren’t supposed to enjoy them, you know. Jeff rang earlier and asked how things are going.’

‘How’s he coping with the terrible two?’

‘He loves looking after them. He thinks he’s one of those new men, you know, all touchy-feely and happy to help with the chores.’

‘I bet he doesn’t like changing nappies though!’

We both laughed as Dr Connor came in. We stopped smiling as we saw the expression on her face.

‘What’s wrong?’ Josie asked.

‘Not too sure yet; look, Susan, do you want to go in the loo and try to do a wee in the bottle for me?’

I picked up the pot and went into the toilet shutting the door after me. The worry on Dr Connor’s face sort of made me want to use the toilet anyway so I had no trouble producing a sample. My hands were shaking slightly as I worried about what was going on.

I made a bit of a mess so I cleared things up and it was a few minutes before I was ready to go back into the consulting room. My hands were shaking for some reason and was feeling slightly hot.

‘There you are,’ said Dr Connor, ‘I thought you’d got lost in there.’

I smiled weakly as I sat down next to Josie.

‘Well, I have looked at the test results and also the analysis of the pills you gave me to have tested. Firstly, you are healthy and strong in most respects. However we have a few problems. As you know, you took those pills to block the possibility of male puberty starting until you were able to fully make up your mind. The analysis of the pills show some disturbing results. There were a number of things in them that should not have been there; yes they contained the anti-androgens that were supposed to be there but in larger quantities than are considered safe. Also, there were large amounts of high potency oestrogen. How long were you taking them?’

‘About six months’

‘Too long; far too long. That’s why you have the breast development and your genitals are atrophying.’

‘What's atrophying?’ I asked, holding Mummy’s hand.

‘ A wasting or decrease in size of a body organ, in your case, your genitals. Look there is no easy way to say this, you are almost certainly sterile and I think that you probably have permanently damaged testicles. The medication that you have been taking, make your testes shrink and effectively become juvenile. They may or may not produce sperm after pills are stopped. I think that we need to book you in for an exploratory operation sooner rather than later. I do not want you to have anything nasty happen down there.’

‘Cancer?’ I whispered, gripping Mummy’s hand even tighter.

‘I doubt it, so don’t worry. I did a thorough examination down there and I don’t think you have to worry about it at the moment but I think we will need to pursue the possibility that you may need a bilateral orchidectomy where your testicles are removed to prevent the unlikely possibility of cancer or other problems occurring if not now, in the future. Oestrogen wouldn’t cause testicular cancer; if anything it would reduce the chances of it. The main risk with testosterone blockers eg androcur, is liver damage. Another thing, the use of oestrogens with testosterone blockers would bring rapid loss of muscle mass which would have an effect upon strength and possibly stamina. This would give probable weight loss and may also impact on your football career. We may be able to help you with the weight and stamina side of things, but make no mistake, it would be hard work for you to maintain a level of fitness needed to play a professional sport. You would need to be totally dedicated and focussed, but I’m guessing that you are that anyway. Look, I’m telling you this as you need to be aware of all the implications.’

She looked at me with concern. ‘How do you feel about all this, Susan?’

I was a bit numb. Like most people the “C-word” made me feel slightly sick at the thought of what may or may not happen to me.

Josie began asking a few questions and I sort of zoned out for a moment.

‘Susan!’

‘What? Oh sorry, did you say something?’

‘I asked how you feel about all this?’

‘I…I don’t know. I want to be a girl but I want to be really sure I make the right decision. I've read a lot on line about people who have gone the whole way and discovered after a while that it was the worst decision they had made. I want to be a girl and am a girl but I wanted to do it right and not make any mistakes…but now…’

‘Now you think you have no choices?’

I nodded.

‘Look, honey,’ said Mummy. 'You know that you aren’t alone in this; you have Jeff, me and your mum. We will help you as much as we can and I’m sure Claire will have something to say–she normally does!’

I smiled weakly at Mummy’s attempt at a joke.

‘Okay,’ said Dr Connor, 'I think we need to step back for a bit and let things take their course. But first, let me say a few things. Observing you, Susan, I can see that you present yourself as a very pretty and convincing girl. You can still present as a male but to be honest I think it will get harder as time goes by. You have no facial hair and your voice has not broken significantly. Your musculature is somewhat androgynous, which means neither really male nor female so it will get harder to be seen as a male as you get older. I know you have your football career to consider so you have to make some decisions soon. I want to you to see a psychiatrist I know who specialises in gender matters and I’ll arrange an appointment for you as soon as possible. You need to talk to someone with experience in this field and anyway, we need to go through some hoops if you decide that we should go through the complete reassignment route. I will also arrange the exploratory examination for next week, so make yourself available at short notice. Okay?’

I nodded, still on autopilot; it was all too much to take in. Things had happened to me in such a short time that wouldn’t happen to anyone else in a lifetime.

We parked in the hospital car park but, before we went to get Claire, we had a walk around the hospital gardens. There were quite a number of people there including patients in wheelchairs being pushed by nurses or relatives; others were walking or sitting on benches having a crafty cigarette before returning to the smoke-free environment of the hospital.

It was a gorgeous winter’s day with some warmth from the sun, showing that spring was around the corner. I wondered what position I would be in when spring arrived.

We sat on a bench next to a duck pond; it was nice and peaceful there and I had time to have a bit of a think. Josie didn’t say anything and I think she knew that I wanted sort things out in my head.

I looked at her; she was gazing into the distance thinking her own thoughts. I wondered if she had realised what she was getting into when she took me on.

‘Sorry.’ I said.

She looked at me, frowning. ‘What for?’

‘I’m nothing but trouble.’ I whispered, my lip trembling. I felt tears running slowly down my cheeks.

She opened her arms and I fell into them and cried my heart out. She stroked my hair and whispered stuff that I can’t remember but what I do know was that it helped–a lot. As soon as I felt a bit better, I moved away from her.

‘Here,’ she said, passing me a hankie. I wiped my eyes, noticing some mascara on the tissue and then blew my nose. I went to hand the hankie back to her and she made a face and we both laughed a bit at that; relieving the tension.

‘How do you feel now, love?’

‘Better thanks.’

‘That’s good. Now, young lady, don’t think about your being ‘trouble’ we’ve had this conversation before. Even though you have a mum, and she loves you lots, you’re lucky; ’cause you have another mother–me–and a father in Jeff, who dotes on you. We both love you as much as we would have if I had given birth to you myself. Now I don’t want to hear any more of that nonsense. You are stuck with us whether you like it or not.’

‘I like.’

‘Good, that’s what I want to hear.’

We sat there for a few more minutes. Ducks kept coming up to us and I wished that I had some bread for them. Soon they went further down the pond to a little girl who had brought the necessary, leaving us in peace.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes, love?’

‘It’s going to get worse before it gets better isn’t it?’

‘I think so, we are here for you. What are you thinking?’

‘What Dr Connor said; I don’t really have a choice now, I have to be a girl.’

‘It’s what you want.’

‘I know, but I want to be a footballer too.’

‘Well, you can be both.’

‘I know, but it’s so brilliant playing professionally with the best players in the country. Ladies football is good and it’s getting better, but the teams in this country are not in the same class as the men’s teams; it’s a money thing I suppose. Football for girls is one of the fastest growing and popular sports and yet there is next to no real recognition for it. Yes you get the cup finals on Sky if you are lucky, but it’s not the same as men’s football.’

‘What are you going to do about Melchester?’

‘I don’t know. They need me, the injuries that they have are as bad as they can be. If I dropped out through injury or something, I think that that would struggle. D’you think I’m being big headed?’

‘No, honey, you are something special. Look, a lot has to happen before you need to do anything. Continue to play and don’t say anything, that’s what I would do.’

‘Isn’t that dishonest?’

‘Probably, but if you did tell them and you had to stop playing, they would be in a worse position than not knowing…does that make sense?’

‘Mmm, it does. If I did tell them, I wonder how long the press would take to tear me apart?’

‘Not very long love. Look, you have the opportunity to do things at your own pace. I don’t know how long you will have to be out of action if or when you have your bilateral orchidectomy but until then, I would let things take their course.’

‘I’m hoping I can continue until the season ends. I suppose it depends on what they find when they do the exploratory operation. I wonder if I can still play for them after, you know what?’

‘I don’t know, honey; I think this is kind of a unique situation but there’s no point in beating yourself up over it at the moment. Now we had better go and get Claire before her mum has a relapse, but first we need to go to the ladies to repair our faces.’

Looking at my face in the mirror, the streaky makeup did little to enhance my looks. Luckily I was able to do the necessary repairs and then we made our way to the ward where Claire’s mum was.

As we walked into the room, I hesitated and my heart flipped as with Claire and her mum, was Andrew, sitting by the side of the bed. They all looked up as we entered. I was looking at Andrew and a look of confusion was on his face before he looked away.

That hurt a bit as it seemed as if he hadn’t forgiven me or worse didn’t accept me for who I am. Tears pricked at my eyes and I just mumbled that I would wait outside with the car and I left before anyone could say anything.

Waiting by the car, I felt confused and more than a bit cheesed off. Why did he feel this way about me? All right I didn’t tell him about me, but I didn’t think that we were that close and anyway, my being a girl wasn’t a thing that I was about to broadcast at school when I was there or anywhere else for that matter.

I looked in the wing mirror and saw that my face was in need of repair–again–and saw in the reflection that Andrew walking up to the car.

Turning around, I looked at him as he stared at me.

‘What?’ I said.

‘You’ve been crying.’

‘So?’

‘Is it because of me?’

‘No…yes…I don’t know. Everything is making me cry at the moment.’

Looking at him, I saw that he was wearing of all things a Melchester sweat shirt. It looked nice on him and … I wasn’t going there. What is up with me?

‘I…I think we need to talk,’ he said, ‘fancy a coke in the cafeteria?’

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To Be Continued...

Please leave comments...thanks! ~Sue

My thanks go to the brilliant and lovely Gabi for editing and pulling the story into shape. and to the equally lovely Angharad for her expertise and support.