Waking up on Sunday morning felt like starting a whole new life. My heart was singing and I felt a little like that chick that lives with the seven little dudes singing about how great her gig is. In hindsight, that movie is kinda creepy, but I absolutely felt like a fairytale princess when I swanned into the kitchen in my robe to get breakfast.

“What’s up with you?” Rob asks, eying me with undisguised brotherly suspicion.

“Nothing,” I beam as I almost float over to the coffee maker. “I just slept so well last night.”

“I think I preferred it when you were depressed,” Rob snickers. “Nah seriously, what’s up?”

“I had a good night and I slept well. Add to that, I’m another day closer to never having to be Alex ever again.”

I sit down at the island beside him and take a long greedy drag of my coffee. I feel a little uncomfortable about the idea of talking to Rob about last night. Sure, he’ll find out at some point, but I really don’t want to have a ‘I kissed a boy’ conversation with my brother.

“You’re counting down huh?” Rob raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, I expect you are. I guess I already kinda said goodbye to him.”

“Soon, I can too,” I groan, jamming a toaster pastry into my mouth in a most unladylike way.

“So, what’s the deal with Rick then?”

God damn it, he’s not dumb, is he? I suppose I do need to actually tell him at some point if I want to actually see the damn boy.

“Rob, can you promise not to get weird about something?”

The oaf narrows his eyes and nods slowly, “Yes, but that depends entirely on what it is.”

“I’m going to share this because I want you, no, I need you to understand, ok Rob?” I pause and wait for my brother to nod before continuing. This feels harder than coming out to him in some ways, but I suspect there’s a good element of fear that he will think I’m gay for liking a boy. Hell, at the time I’m pretty sure a little tiny slice of my own mind still thought liking boys was weird.

“Last night, Rick told me that he had feelings for me,”I begin, watching his expression closely. “He told me that he was struggling with his sexuality and he broke down and admitted that he liked me. Given that I’m not a boy and, that I like him too, I confessed my true identity to him.”

“Shit,” Rob exclaims, his eyebrows reaching his forehead. “How did he react?”

“Pretty well I guess,” I admit awkwardly. “He accepts me Rob; he sees Holly.”

Rob’s expression is unreadable for a moment, his brow slightly furrowed as he thinks over the ramifications of what I’ve said. After a few moment, he nods and looks over at me, “Are you sure?”

I’m not sure if he’s asking if I’m sure I like boys, or if I’m sure he accepts me. Honestly, I’d rather not ask for clarification and make it weird. Regardless, I have but one answer.

“Yes.”

Rob nods and takes a breath before giving me a serious look. “If he hurts you Holly… I’ll kill him, you have my word.”

I put my hand on my brother’s arm. “Thank you, Rob, but I don't think that will be necessary.”

“So you… and him?”

I nod slowly, keeping an eye on him. “Are you ok with that?”

Rob hesitates for a moment before nodding more slowly. He looks a little uncertain, which, I should really expect, given the news. “I accept you as you, Holly; one hundred percent, ok? I won’t lie, it might take a minute for me to get used to my baby sister seeing boys… that she’s in class with.”

“To be fair, I don’t share any classes with him.”

Rob gives me a look, “You know what I mean, sis.”

“It’s a little strange for me too,” I concede. “I’ve never actually dated anyone before.”

“So you’re dating?”

“Maybe? But it’s too early to tell,” I shrug, “I’m open to the idea?”

Rob smirks and shakes his head. “You know, I got used to the idea of you being a chick pretty easily Hol, but somehow the idea of you dating boys seems more difficult. Not because you’re not a girl and it’s gay or something… rather, because I’m still getting to really know my little sister and I don’t want to share her with some other guy yet.”

Fuck you, Robert, that’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me.

 

 

It’s a little before lunchtime when my phone rings. The sound startles me out of the history textbook I’m reading. Look, just because I’m transing my gender doesn’t mean I get off homework to paint my nails, ya girl has career plans.

Flipping open my phone, I spot Rick’s name on the screen, and it makes my heart jolt nervously. Does he regret last night? Is he calling to tell me to keep this on the down low? All of a sudden, my morning of excitement and joy is shattered as I hit a mini panic attack “Uh, hello?”

“Hey, Holly, how are you doing?”

The panic washes away in a heartbeat as I hear him say my name. I can’t explain how good that feels, or why I’m such a freaking hypochondriac… probably extensive trauma, but I digress.

“Hi! Oh, me? I’m great. How are you?”

I can hear the smile in his voice as he chuckles at my over-exuberance, “I’m great too, really great. Are you doing much today?”

“Just studying,” I admit. “Chilling out I guess, you?”

“Want to go get lunch?”

I suddenly feel rather hungry, I wonder why that is.

“Yeah, I’d love that, when?”

“Does now work?”

Downstairs the doorbell rings.

“Fuck, Rick! Give me a few minutes!” I slam the call-end button and fly around my room like a womanly whirlwind.

Why are men like this? It’s adorable and spontaneous and romantic but it would be far more romantic if I was dressed and ready to be seen by the boy I like. Yeah… Ten points for effort, minus five for warning, buddy boy.

This would technically be my first ever time seeing the guy I just kissed as the real me. Sure, you can make a compelling argument that I look just as female in a hoodie and jeans, but it’s just not the same now is it? No, he saw through Alex to see Holly, but I really want my first time actually deliberately Holly to be perfect, too much to ask?

The whirlwind stuffs herself into a pair of grey patterned tights, a black pleated skirt, and a pretty long-sleeve top in a deep maroon. With the addition of my ankle boots and the assistance of a pushup bra, I think I look reasonably decent.

Holly is staring back at me in the mirror but her hair is still a little wild. Time to do something I’ve never ever considered before. I slip out of my room and shimmy along to the top of the landing like a ninja infiltrating a rival’s castle. I can hear male voices chatting away downstairs which leads me to believe that Rob has let the well-meaning gibbon into the house. Rats, this complicates matters rather significantly.

Having a bright idea, I pull my phone out and dial Mom’s cell. I really hope she’s in the house somewhere.

“What’s up, darling?”

“Are you in your study?” I whisper urgently.

“Yes, I was just reading some journals why?”

“I need your help upstairs, urgent emergency, please Mom!”

A few moments later, Mother Dearest arrives to find panic-stricken me desperately brushing my hair in the bathroom.

“Mom, I can’t make my hair behave, please help me!” I whine, thrusting the brush in her direction.

Mom smiles this long-suffering yet knowing smile as she takes the brush from my desperate paw.

“Let me guess; The doorbell I just heard and your general state of panic means that boy interest number one arrived for a spontaneous romantic gesture and you were being a goblin in your room?”

“Mom, not the time.” I wince slightly as she pulls at a knot in my hair. “Ow, “I was studying, I didn’t expect to see him or at least… give me some notice.”

Mom smiles at me in the mirror and rolls her eyes. “Men don’t realize how long it can take to get ready honey. They mean well, they really do, but sometimes good intentions clash with a bad hair day and they don’t really understand.”

Mom finishes attacking my maine and I’m pleased to see the girl looking back seems a lot more civilized with her hair neatly braided.

“Want a little makeup?”

I nod, smiling what I hope is pleasantly, but what I expect looked more far more desperate.

“Go get your bag and we’ll be quick.”

I rush off to grab my makeup kit and come racing back to my highly amused maternal unit. She’s finding all this hilarious and doesn’t seem to appreciate what an all-out panic I’m in. With an expert hand, Mom slaps some liner, mascara, and blush on me and finishes off with a light gloss. The girl looking back at me now looks a lot more ready for her debut; disaster averted… I think.

“Thanks Mom,” I beam, squeezing her half to death.

“I’m going back to my journals,” she sighs, still smiling so I know she’s not actually mad. “Have a nice time and I want you back in time for dinner, do you understand me, young lady?.”

“Yep, love you, Mom,” I yell, racing off to grab my handbag.

I skid to a stop at the bottom of the stairs barely avoiding breaking my neck. Hey, you try sprinting down the stairs in two-inch heeled ankle boots; it’s a risky enterprise, I can tell you. I can see Rob in the kitchen leaning against the island and he’s talking to someone just out of view. I pause for a moment to center myself and head in for one of those 'pivotal life moment' things.

Rick is stood there casually, hands in his pockets laughing with Rob about some football story when the heel of my boots clopping on the tile floor acquires his attention.

“It was freaking insane dude! Like, I was gonna…. Wow...”

“Uh, hi,” I offer shyly with a dumb little finger wave.

“I’ma leave you guys alone,” Rob chuckles, grinning like a hyena. “Catch you at school Monday, bro.”

“Yeah…” Rick replies, his eyes not leaving me the entire time. Holy fuck, the butterflies in my stomach right now are doing calisthenics on Adderall.

“Holly, wow… you’re beautiful.”

“You didn’t give me a lot of time, sorry,” I mutter, not able to meet his gaze properly.

Before I realize what is happening, I can feel his presence close to me. Gentle fingers lift my chin until I’m looking up into his huge beautiful eyes. God, they’re stunning this close. Beautiful brown orbs with flecks of green and blue right at the edges.

“Holly, you’re so utterly gorgeous... I.. I cannot believe I didn’t see this sooner,” he admits, shaking his head slowly.

“I uh… thank you.” I stumble over the words, not fully able to form sensible human words. “I wanted you to, I guess I mean that… well, I wanted you to see the real me today.”

“I saw her last night,” Rick smiles. “But you look incredible right now.”

Woah boy, this one has the tummy squiggles squigglin’.

“Can I take you out to lunch?”

I nod and smile goofily up at him. “Sure, I’d like that.”

Without any further awkward family moments, we make it outside and down to Rick’s truck. He holds the door for me, and it feels as good as it did the very first time. I give him a little smile of thanks as I straighten my skirt. Holy fuck, I just straightened my skirt after climbing into a boy’s truck; this is real.

I’ve got to tell you, this is a weird feeling. It’s not a bad one by any stretch of the imagination but it is certainly unusual. Imagine finding yourself in a world where your dream reality is actually happening but you’re reasonably sure it’s not a dream. You want so very much to believe it, to enjoy it, but a tiny part of you is expecting to wake up at any moment. That’s what this feels like and I still remember it to this day.

We pulled into a parking lot in town and Rick got the door for me. I had no idea what he had planned and I was more than a little curious by this point.

“Where are we going?”

“Surprise,” Rick shrugs nonchalantly.

“Am I dressed ok for wherever it is? It’s nothing crazy, is it?”

He smiles as we start walking, side by side, “you’re perfect exactly the way you are.”

I can’t help but ask the question. It’s been bugging me the whole drive over here. “You’re… really ok with all this? With me, right?”

Rick looks over and simply nods “It doesn’t feel real, does it?”

I shake my head and he grins, “You know, when I woke up this morning I could have sworn it had all been a dream. A wild amazing dream that would never repeat itself.”

“I know the feeling,” I admit. “I… My eyes fall on the building we’re heading towards. ‘Antonio’s Pizzeria.’ “Really?”

Rick grins and looks proud of himself. “Hey, we both kinda pretended the last time we were here that we were on a date, I figure why not make it real after all?”

I roll my eyes and laugh at him. “I hate that that’s an amazing idea.”

The booth we had occupied the previous time was sadly taken so we had to settle for a different one. It didn’t really matter though, it was the thought that counted really. Being here somehow felt deeply prophetic. The last time we had been here, I’d fully accepted that I had feelings for this boy. The fact that he had them too, made our little incident afterward all the more adorable.

I had tried to avoid him, tried to resist him, but it had been out of my control, hadn’t it? I had never been able to hide Holly from Rick, even when I tried. It was like I couldn’t pretend around him.

“Sir, Miss, what can I get you?” The waitress smiles politely as she arrives at our table.

“A couple of cokes and a large sausage and bacon on marinara,” Rick asks, smiling at me as he does it. The rat bastard remembered what we had the time before.

“Coming right up, you guys. It shouldn’t be long,” The waitress beams as she vanishes off with her pad in hand.

“You remembered,” I point out with a smirk.

“It was only like two weeks ago,” Rick shrugs. “I figured a do-over needed to be done properly or it doesn’t count.”

A smile comes to my lips as I remember the last time we were here. “Do you remember after the comic book store, we were walking back to your truck and I walked into a light pole?”

A smile spreads across Rick’s face. “Yeah, that was pretty funny.”

“You remember catching me when I stumbled afterward?”

The smile changes slightly as the memory plays across his mind. “I do,” he replies quietly. “There was a moment when I had you in my arms that I was tempted to tell you how I felt, maybe even to kiss you,” he admits shyly. “God, I had no idea Holly, but I wanted you right then more than any inhibitions I had.”

“I wanted you to,” I admit.

“Was that why you avoided me like the plague at school afterward?”

“Oh, you noticed that eh?” I grin sheepishly. “Sorry about that, I really didn’t know what else to do. I figured I had weirded you out and ruined a great day. I was trying to stay away from you for your own good, and for mine too.”

Rick reaches over the table and takes my hands in his, “not anymore.”

“Not anymore.” I agree, my heart fluttering.

Our drinks arrive, shortly followed by the pizza. It’s hardly a Michelin star restaurant but I couldn’t give less of a crap at the moment. On one hand, I’m sixteen; my standards aren’t that high. On the other, I’m over the moon to be here as a girl, with a boy I like. A boy I really like, more than I thought reasonably possible. Rick is charming and funny, attractive and kind all in one adorable package. The funniest part is that he’s not acting any different to how he was when we were just friends. I really was blind, wasn’t I?

Being here as myself, as Holly, feels like the most natural thing in the world. When I started taking hormones to save myself from the doom that would befall me, I felt a powerful clarity and vitality that I can’t possibly underemphasise. This saved my life, in the very same way that blood thinners can save a hypertensive patient. It brought color and life back to a dead and grey world.

I’m experiencing that very same feeling now as this boy sees the real me, and it feels as though something has changed inside me; something fundamental. I somehow know that I won’t ever really be able to be Alex ever again. He hasn’t really been there since the great coming-out adventure, but now? Now, he’s gone. I can try to play him, but it’s going to be so much harder; my mind just cannot go there anymore.

We’re finishing up and sipping our drinks when I raise the difficult topic I had been avoiding so far; school.

So, about tomorrow,” I begin, giving him a careful look. I know I told him this last night but I need him to understand the reality, as weird as it might end up feeling for us. “I can’t be myself at school yet, not until the end of the term.”

“How the hell are you going to survive the next six weeks?” he frowns.

“Not sure,” I admit with a dark chuckle, “but it’s going to make whatever we have here a little difficult, I think.”

Rick frowns, “How do you mean? I don’t give a damn what others think about me Holly, if that’s what you mean.”

“It’s not about you… I don’t want to cause a scene or draw attention to myself,” I implore. “I’m not ashamed or bothered, but let’s be real here. You’re the big-built football guy; you’re popular. Me? I’m the short skinny runt. Who are they going to beat the crap out of? Don’t forget they already do.”

Rick’s expression darkens, “I won’t let them.”

I hold up a finger. “The bigger issue is that it draws attention to me. Right now I’m getting by because people don’t really pay that much attention; they don’t see the girl among them. If we draw their attention it’s going to look pretty obviously like a boy and a girl.”

“I don’t know if I can just pretend to be your friend at school,” he admits, squeezing my hand. “I really do have strong feelings for you Holly. Now that I know the truth, I don’t think I’ll ever see a boy again.”

“That makes me happier than you know,” I sigh. “But we have to try. Plus, it’s only five weeks really. I have my German trip too.”

“So what? Tough it out and play pretend till the holidays, then what?”

“Then I come back to school as a member of the Girls Division. I’m pretty sure my secret will be out then. If you’re still not bothered by what people say, we can be open about our relationship then.”

Rick looks down at our hands and then returns his gaze to my eyes. “I did a lot of thinking over the last few weeks. I came to the conclusion that I really liked you, the person. I came to peace with the idea that I might be gay; It doesn’t bother me anymore. Am I? No, I fell for a girl without even knowing it. I don’t care what people say; you’re my girl. If you want to be, that is.”

Flippy floppy heart goes squishy. God damn this boy got some rizz as the kids these days say. Well, my kids do at least. Oh yeah, surprise; I have kids. More on that bombshell later.

“I want to be your girl,” I reply quietly. “Outside of school, Holly is all yours. At school, well, Holly has to play a character,” I admit sadly, “Alex the boy.”

“That’s going to be pretty funny,” he smirks. “Now that I think about it, you were never really that good at it anyway.”

“It’s not too hard,” I wave dismissively. “I just switched half my brain off and acted like most of the boys.”

“I’m worried for you,” Rick insists, more seriously. “What if someone finds out about you?”

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “They haven’t for nearly nine months, I can hopefully make it a few more weeks.”

“So, as soon as the semester ends, that’s it; Alex is gone?”

I nod and smile, feeling confident in one thing finally. The thought gives me a feeling of pure joy. “Never again to darken these skies.”

The waitress returns and Rick pays the bill. I don’t try to argue about paying my half this time. Call me old-fashioned, but it’s nice when the guy pays occasionally. I can say that now; this is absolutely a date.

Rather than head back to his truck, we take a walk along the river that runs through the city center. It’s not one of those dingy, ‘many hobos have died in these waters’ places, but rather one of those nice reclaimed public spaces that attract people on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Walking alongside Rick wasn’t new for me, of course. Holding his hand while we did so, however, was pretty darn new. The world looked at us, and all they saw was a boy and a girl; it felt so extremely right that it made my heart sing.

We walk in silence for several minutes, simply enjoying each other’s presence. It’s fairly busy along the footpath; couples, kids, and families are all taking advantage of the relatively pleasant fall weather.

“I can’t believe just how much more alive you seem now,” Rick opines, glancing over at me.

“How do you mean?”

“You,” he gestures at me. “I kept seeing little pieces of this person peeking through from time to time. When we played games or I made you laugh, I would see… this happy full person poke through. I didn’t realize at the time, but it was your mask slipping. Now that it’s off, the girl inside is shining so brightly.”

“No matter how hard I tried to resist, there were moments where I let my guard down around you,”I admit. “No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like you, I just… you flipped some switch in me.”

“There was one particular moment that started to unravel how I saw you,” Rick admits, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his side. God I could get used to this.

“We were in the arcade that one time. Do you remember when your brother brought you along one Saturday afternoon? I was showing you how to play that one basketball game; the one you sucked at so badly? I don’t know why, but when I was behind you showing you how to aim, you smelled… really pretty. I had to fight this urge to hug you to me and it frightened me.”

“Me too,” I giggle softly, remembering the way it had felt to have his arms around me, very similar to now. I closed my eyes as we walked as I remembered the sensation of his body heat radiating through to me, the gentle warmth of his breath.

I feel us stop walking and I open my eyes, the dream temporarily broken. Rick has turned to embrace me, right here on the footpath, just out of the flow of human traffic.

“I want to kiss you, Holly, please, can I?”

I can’t reply with words so I simply nod. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I lean back and raise my chin towards him as he leans down, our eyes never once breaking contact. His lips brush mine with such tenderness that I want to cry out. Here am I in his arms, kissing this boy and the world feels perfect. There is nothing wrong with me; I am normal, I am…happy?

I’m happy.

 

 

Sitting in class on Monday morning, I felt completely out of place. Nothing was outwardly different about the situation; I’m still in the same classes with the same people. To them, I look like the exact same person, but the reality is that Alex is dead. He is now at best a mask and a tenuous one that.

Sure enough, I’d made the example of Holly wearing the Alex mask before. I’d even practiced it; being Holly Winters yet wearing a mask of Alex was in practice what I did every day since my grand coming out. The major difference was that Holly was different now; Holly wasn’t the girl she was last week. Today, with an assured place in the Girls’ Division waiting for me, and having kissed a boy that saw the real me, that poor kid was dead. In her place, was a young woman that was beginning to take flight, and it made me very uncomfortable to be sitting here surrounded by boys.

I’d always felt like an intruder; an outside observer in the boy world, but today, I truly felt like a lamb amongst the wolves. I was jumpy and tense, as though at any moment someone would turn and shout, ‘Girl!’ My ability to successfully play Alex had been failing as the semester progressed, but now, it took conscious effort to stoop and hunch and push my voice down into his monotone.

I think the truth is, that as Holly became a more whole person and gained life experiences, my ability to pretend to be Alex slipped further and further away. I knew who he was, it was still my life, but with every new experience the real me earned, my ability to act like the depressed unhappy child I had been was stripped away.

I wish it was easier to express this sentiment in text because feeling your very existence shift is a most unusual experience. I can only be glad that it was shifting in a net positive direction. One day, there would be no more hiding, and the clock was ticking on that; six weeks, starting today.

“Alex, conjugate Haben into the past plural please?”

Brain search engaged… trawling memories… two weeks ago, Haben… “Sie hattet, Frau Whistler?”

My educator nodded her approval and moved on to the next student to receive a callout. Did she know already? I knew some of my teachers had raised concerns about me and that specifically Frau Whistler and her counterpart in the Girls’ Division would be informed of my secret before our trip, but I couldn’t tell if she knew now. I didn’t think she was treating me any differently today than usual, but I’ve never been a fantastic judge of people.

Ever since the school had become involved I was eying each of my tutors with unreserved suspicion, trying to detect if any of them were behaving differently towards me. The final bell went, and we were packing up to go our separate ways when Frau Whistler called my name.

“Winters, can you stay behind please?”

Threat detected; no gendered title applied. Conclusion? Awareness likely.

On orders, I loitered by my desk while the classroom emptied. My teacher occupied herself with some paperwork until we were alone before closing and locking the classroom door. Threat confirmed.

Returning to her desk, she leaned against the forward edge and smiled kindly. Conclusion; threat minimal?

“I spoke with Principal Gardener this morning.”

I finish stuffing my books into my bag. “I can take three guesses as to what that was about.”

Frau Whistler smiles slightly and nods. “Yes indeed, Miss Winters. He explained that you’ll be transferring out of my class at the end of the semester.”

Ah, full cards on the table, it seems. She doesn’t appear mad, or disgusted, so perhaps there’s good to come here? Apply conciliatory language.

“It’s a shame to leave your class, Frau Whistler, I really did enjoy my time here.”

“You didn’t,” she smiles, “but that’s ok. At least I know it wasn’t my teaching, eh? What I learned goes a long way to explain a few other things I had noticed this year.”

“I’ve been told I’m a terrible poker player,” I admit, with a small smile. “For what it’s worth, I really do enjoy your teaching.”

My teacher nods. “I appreciate that, thank you. Can I ask though, between us like this, would you rather I call you Alex or Holly?”

“In private, Holly is fine Ma’am; it is my name.”

Frau Whistler gives me a strange look. “Now that I’m aware, I’m rather shocked that I didn’t know sooner.”

Why not go for gold and do some recce of my own? “Frau Whistler, you said you’d noticed some things this year. What were they?”

She chuckles to herself and nods. “Unlike the other boys who all seemed to grow, you appeared to get more feminine as time went on. Also, your voice never broke, it was quite noticeable in a class where oral participation was important.” Whistler looks like she’s finished and then she smiles to herself. “Do you remember the day when you came in here to hide away from Herr Taylor?”

“Yes?”

“In a crowd of boys, you’re but one note in the symphony to a teacher. Sure, we try to give individual attention as much as we can, but together, the edge softened. When you were there with me talking, just the two of us, you seemed so different to the others. I couldnt put my finger on the why, just that it wasn’t like any other student.” She smiles. “Now, I know that was because it was a young woman, not a young man that I was talking to. Do you remember when I told you about seeing you at the football game?”

I make a face, remembering that particular game. “I figured you might have seen me at my less-than-boyish best.” I concede.

Frau whistler chuckles as she makes her way to the classroom door. “I will admit, at first, I saw three girls enjoying the game. Even when I later recognized one of them as you, cosmically, it still seemed to somehow fit.”

“They’re my best friends,” I admit with a fond smile. “I find it hard not to be myself around them.”

Frau Whistler smiles. “Hold on to that, Holly Winters, and cherish it forever.”

I left Frau Whistler’s classroom with a feeling of peace in my heart. One of my teachers, arguably my favorite, seemed accepting and supportive. It was a weight off my shoulders even if my disguise had been less than paper thin to her eyes.

Hey, some people are just observant, I won’t win them all. Frau Whistler may have simply been at the right place and the right time to observe me in a way that lowered my defenses. I also liked her cosmic inference. The universe seemed to be aligning in my favor for the first time in my life and I wasn’t about to squander it.

Rather than face the press of the common room and so very many people, I made my way outside into the crisp fall air. Before school, I’d hidden away in the library and now, I wandered along the edge of the grass, enjoying the peace and quiet. Well, relative peace and quiet, I could hear Freshmen trying to kill each other somewhere in the distance but it was unimportant unless any weapons became involved.

Spending my time around people today felt mentally exhausting. Wearing the mask felt false and uncomfortable, but I knew I had to make it through the day. I hoped it might get easier as time went on, that each subsequent day might feel a little bit easier. I wasn’t holding my breath though, I knew it was a bare-knuckle grudge match to the end; now that the genie was out of the bottle, she wouldn’t fit back in.

I found a bench out by the lacrosse field and sat down to enjoy the morning sunshine. Here, nobody would judge how I was sat, or how I looked. Here, I was just another kid sitting on a bench doing nothing of interest. Melancholic? Sure, It’s my specialty didn’t you know?

The world is quiet and peaceful, save for the sounds of adolescent violence away in the distance. I smile because I’m starting to understand that carefree joy that others seem to find so easily. It’s taken me a long road, but I’m finally beginning to know peace. Sure, I have a long way to go yet, but it’s finally in sight. Like a ship finally spotting land after days at sea in violent storms.

“Is this bench taken?”

I look behind me when I hear the voice and spot the one guy who I wasn’t looking forward to meeting today. The one guy I was hoping to put off seeing until lunchtime, if I couldn’t find an excuse to skip it. He’s stood there looking as sexy as ever, his hands in his pants pockets, his tie is at its usual jaunty angle and he’s smiling down at me.

“Hey.”

“Can I join you?”

I nod, and he takes a seat on the far end of the bench, his hands still in his pockets. I can’t tell you how much I want to slide over and let him kiss me, to have him hold me in his arms but I resist those urges. We share a look that pretty much confirms he feels exactly the same way.

“Andy told me you headed out this way after class.”

“Are you keeping track of me now?” I raise an eyebrow.

He smiles, “Maybe, but only because I was scared to see you today.”

I frown, “why?”

“I was scared that I’d do something dumb, like try to kiss you right there in the common room in front of everyone,” he chuckles. “That I’d blow your cover and make an ass out of everything.”

“It’s pretty fragile,” I admit with a smirk. “I came out here to get away from everyone; so I didn’t have to pretend. Pretending is kinda hard; now even more so.”

Rick smiles and nods. “I know what you mean. It still blows my mind that they think you’re a boy.”

“Does it feel weird, seeing me like this, now?”

Rick shakes his head, and he stares into my eyes with a look of utter conviction. “Holly, all I see when I look at you is a girl playing dress up; I don’t think I’ll ever see Alex ever again. You opened my eyes this weekend and I couldn’t be happier. No; it doesn’t feel weird, but it is difficult.”

He holds his hand up to stop me from interrupting and continues. “It’s difficult because I want to be near you and if I’m near you, I won’t be able to keep it a secret. For you, I’ll keep my distance, and for you, I’ll protect your secret. Just know that it’s stupid hard.”

I reach out my hand, sliding it across the bench into the open space between us. After a second, he takes hold of it and squeezes. For the remainder of the break, we sit, side by side, holding hands as we stare out across the fields.

 

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