Well, it's time to discuss this.
I was dropped to the floor yesterday by a heart attack. I was hit by one 3 weeks ago. I have had a total of 9 since February. They are getting closer and closer together. Each time I have one the pain is getting way worse! My arteries are 92% clogged throughout the entire body so a bypass, new heart, nor stent operation will work. I told my heart doctor that I do not want to live as a cripple unable to take care of herself so my decision to live at all costs is no go, I do not want resuscitation if I go out. The medicines I'm on for my heart are only delaying the inevitable. I have already discussed this with Erin, Rasufelle, and several close authors with me.
My right shoulder hasn't recovered from the attack yesterday. The arteries in the shoulders are getting narrowed really bad. It's not loose muscles driving me batty. My right arm, it doesn't feel like its a part of me anymore - honest.
I'm sweating off an on and cannot regulate my body temperature well. At this stage I am not even sure I will make September now. I am kind of a bundle of nerves and have made peace with my life. I am not sure who Erin will appoint in my place when I go, that is up to her. At a time like this, I wish there was something that could be done, but unless all the cholesterol inside my arteries can be melted away and the arteries widened, I'm SOL.
You know, Im pretty sure taking estrogen and not being active contributed some to this situation. Take that with a grain of salt.
SO...
I would like to thank all the authors over the years I had helped and the contests I have helped generate. I really wish I could have given out more to a community so deserving of aid. I would like to thank my 2 staunchest supporters, Andrea Lena and Melanie Brown for always accompanying me throughout my journeys here. I would have been lost without them.
Bobbi Cabot, I would like to thank you as well for all the chats we have had and I apologize for this being such a sad time. Randalynn, you got me started in this and kept me safe. Stacyinlove, Tanya Allan, Tigger, Rebecca Anderson, Admiral Krunch, Richard C., Pamelapamela; I would like to thank all of them personally for the privilege to edit and post their works here for them that they so graciously allowed here on BCTS for you all to read and enjoy.
Madtech01 and Lisa_cb, our differences are not so great that we have to be polar opposites. When you reach my stage at the end of your life, you will see what I mean. Try to get along and no argument is worth losing a friendship over. Angela Rasch, rise and become someone greater than myself, for our whole community. I know you can do it.
Tara Nicole, practice html and maybe become a site Editor. Your skill is great enough to try! Andre Deviant, you really surprised me with your skill in short story writing to pictures. I loved it alot. Emma Tate, love your comments and demeanor. Impeccable!
What sticks out most in my mind was Crazypagungirl. We had a technical difficulty that she had won on, She was mad as hell at me at first, but even after winning she held a grudge against me and I was a little miffed and was gone for like a week or 2 and she passed away right after that Christmas contest she had entered. She died in the hospital. That taught me a lesson to cherish others. I wish she had lived long enough for me to know more of her. I never got the chance...
I can go on and on to all of our authors I have ever had contact with. I would like to thank all of you and I mean it. I do not have a mean bone in my body.
Even to Leila Rodriguez...whom I love more than Life itself. Especially to her!
I hope to make it to Christmas... that is my goal! I want to make sure I can pass on all of your winnings and read all of your wonderful stories! Until the moment I am taken from this earth, I will be right here with you trying to survive a really bad situation, delayed by meds.
Thank you for allowing me to be here and join you on this wonderful site that Erin has provided to us. Again, I really wish life had allowed me more financial resources to devote to here. You all are worth it. Write, Publish!, make a buck, have fun!
And as a bynote, we have BCTS's 25th anniversary coming up in November. I am sure Erin will have a surprise for you all that day and I will if im here!
Erin, I know we haven't gotten along all the time but I would like to think I contributed greatly to BCTS and to you as well! I still love you - despite punishment time. Rasufelle... take care of her too! BCTS needs her pirate Captain at the helm for many years to come.
And of all things, PLEASE, love each other! That is most important!!!!!
This picture is what I miss the most from BCTS....hehehe.
ps: Don't tell Erin if I come back from the Dead! I'll have to skip punishment time. :O
pss: I know this is a serious subject. That's why I ended this blog on a laugh.
Comments
Hugs and Love...
Wish I could do more, but virtual Hugs and real Love are all I can send.!
Wish you the less pain possible.
Peace and Love tmf
*hugs*
Thank you tmf! A warm hugs back. I know I am not alone and that I have yours and the others backing as I hang in here. I may be quirky at times but I will fight this to the end! I want to make my Christmas deadline.
Sephrena
Thank You
Thank you for all you have done Sephrena. You have been an amazing person in all of my encounters with you. Your help when I posted things with odd formats was so appreciated. God be with you.
Thank you Tiffany!
I wish you well on your book sales as I know you are a talented writer! I predict you will do fantastic! Love your writing. I am also glad I was able to help you throughout your stay here.
Sephrena
I'm sorry
I know all you have done on the site over the years and always appreciated it. Also the times I needed help you were there to land an hand formatting stories or setting up Title pages..etc
I do hope they have you on blood thinners?
Good luck!
Frank
Yeppers! im on
all of them, even Jardiance! And Thank you Frank! You had been a site Editor before, perhaps be one again? *hugs* I will hang in here for as long as possible. If possible, I would like to impart a little wisdom for others when they face their own mortality. Go out with the same style you faced life with. Be remembered for that...
Sephrena
I still do stuff
I do the blogs when I see multiple posts by someone. Or if I notice multiple chapters of a story, I will take care of that.
I always unpub spam and send the links to Erin.
{{Hugs}}
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
I wish you the least pain possible.
Ahabidah, Gwen Brown.
Thank you Gwen!
I am gonna try and hang in here for as possible. I have a goal to reach and I intend to make it!
Sephrena
I hope you are wrong
and can hang in there a bit longer. Regardless, I am sending you a fleet of huggles.
Dorothy
Thank you for your wishes. I wanted to be as practicable as possible about this ordeal. Getting it out in the open was it. Figured at least now you knew so you know what im struggling with. It isnt for pity. It is for you all to remember me by! :) I was here!
Sephrena
Terrible
This is really terrible news. Words fail me. You have to hang in there.
Melanie
I love you Melanie
and will do my best to hang in here for as long as I can. If i can break records, I will try! that is all that can be expected of me. You know that I will! I dont wanna go any sooner than needed.
Sephrena
Thank you...
For the beauty that this site brings, I found this site back in 2011 and have loved the community that you helped start, so while I would hope that your body lives to see another year start, I know that when it's time I hope you go peacefully and without pain.
Sending you huggles and peaceful thoughts.
DJ thank you so much
and I am glad BCTS met your expectations! This site is so wonderful! To the many whom visit it daily it brings even a slight respite of peace to us from the daily doldrums of life. I have seen many websites shut down over the years (not by choice) by the ruthless machinations of our government (not the elected one), and I will not let them shut us down. I will fight it to the end! :)
For us, for freedom. For our site.
Sephrena
I'm deeply sorry
Sephrena, I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through as well as not having interacted with you prior to this announcement. As I'm in my own battle, I sympathize how chilling it can feel to have your nose rubbed in your own mortality. I will certainly pray for you, and if I can offer any comfort, I'm glad to do so. I hope you'll continue to fight, do not go quietly into that night, but when it is your time, I pray it is peaceful and without pain.
I have little doubt you will be remembered here and by all of the other lives you have touched. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to reach out.
E. E. Nalley
I'm out of my mind and into yours!
I have no intention
of going quietly! hehehee I will be as rowdy and rambunctious as possible! It's what im known for. If I can be remembered for that, that is saying something! Going quietly isn't my style. I will reach out to you in the future. Count on it! And thank you for understanding how hard this is. Since its morbid and sad, I'm trying to put a positive spin on it with laughs :)
Sephrena
Of course!
I'll eagerly await your message and is there anything more American than laughing in the face of Death? I can't imagine what it might be. Hold your head high, you're doing it right!
E.
I'm out of my mind and into yours!
I have a different viewpoint..
I'm seeing lots of "That's terrible news!", and similar comments. While true, it's not really the point. An end comes to us all, and it's rare that we can actually try to close things out. You know it's coming, and you're preparing for it.
I'm going to say thank you for the years you've been here (even longer than I, although I'm pretty sure I have an old account for which I could never remember the login), the work you've done, the people you've talked with, the meaning you've given to people, and most of all, thank you for the good bye.
I hope your passing is as painless as it can be, and that whatever happens after this, you get a time of peace and knowledge.
Remember - mourning is for those left behind. I prefer wakes to funerals.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
Thank You Bibliophage!
I hope it is as well. No one wants a painful death - especially me! I tried my best for everyone as well and know its been well received. I still appreciate your words! *hugs*
Sephrena
While I still have a chance to say so
THANK YOU, SEPHRENA!
For all the love and work you've put into this place over the years
and for putting up with this often contentious bunch...
I don't have anything deep to say about life & death;
Entropy sucks, but it seems to be the way
the universe is rigged; what can ya do?
~love + hugs, Veronica
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Someone had to do it, right?
I appreciate all your comments over the years and hope you provide many more. And thank you as well appreciating what I have done here!
There is no higher honor.
Sephrena
Your sad message
I cannot say anything that does not sound trite, but from time to time, I have looked at the long list of authors from the Big Closet site who are no longer with us. Their works are still listed and remain as a memorial to them and to the TG genre. When our mortal journey is over, our literary journey may continue.
Best wishes for your onward journey, and hope it is the one you would choose.
Columbine
Thank you Columbine!
It is a sad long list that will only get longer with time. We leave here for wherever else it is we may go. We can only wonder what it is we leave behind and how long it will last. Thank you for your sentiments!
Sephrena
You may not have a mean bone in your body
But you were snotty to me and mocked my lack of computer skills, so I haven't spoken to you since. However, I am not without compassion and I wish you well, none of us know how long we will be here.
Angharad
Angharad
I have no memory of having treated you in any way of the way you described. Is it possible you misinterpreted something I had to do? If so, I will still apologize to you for it, for whatever it is I may have done. Why would I say anything about computer skills when you have obviously posted thousands of chapters of Bike? I cannot imagine I have been snotty. *Sigh*
I am sorry If I have left you with such a bad impression of myself. I have never intentionally done so. I hope that my passing then erases whatever bad memory you seem to have of me since I haven't a clue as to what I have done. I hope that will ease your conscious :*(
Sephrena
As an update
Something I did to Angharad, which was posting something publicly which should have most likely been private is indeed my fault. I don't remember it ever have been in the manner she quite perceived but ill accept the blame. I lost her that day as friend, as an entrant to my contests (now I know why), and even as a well wisher in the end. But I will accept the blame. It was never meant in any other manner than to inform. I failed as a human being.
Again, I am so sorry.
Sephrena
"All I gots is Huggles"
Delivery at the speed of thought.
There is nothing I can say.
So this is where I Shut Up.
And Just Listen.
Thank you Alan
For your kind words. You have been here awhile and I have seen your thoughtful comments. I have never been unimpressed with your responses and found you to be a good person inside. *hugs*
I hope that you will still contribute greatly to this site and keep your generosity up as well :) A good smile is infectious.
Sephrena
A wonderfull opportunity
As Bibliophage stated, I also subscribe to announcement of the end as an opportunity to put affairs in order and reduce the stress level for those that get left behind. Both my aunt and my father stated: “Cancer is a good way to die, because it gives you the opportunity to make peace with those around you as well as with with your Creator.” Both were very open talking about their death, and made a lot of arrangements for the immediate aftermath of their passing. Best of all, the grieving process for us survivors was started early (and gradually), so we were spared the huge shock that results from a sudden death.
In the case of my father, my mom and I were with him for the last several hours of his life. And for the next several days we just had to activate all the plans that we as a family had arranged in the weeks (and months) before. Yes, there was a hole left in our daily routines. But, since the grieving process was pretty much worked through, we could pick up our lives rather easier than is often the case with denial of mortality or even sudden death.
Sephrena, thank you for sharing this news of your declining health with us, and preparing us all for a BigCloset community without you after your life on this earth has come to an end. Thank you for your courage to talk about your own mortality.
With many greetings and well-wishes,
Jessica Nicole
Thank you Jessica
That is what I wanted to do. I did not want to be an unknown statistic, and with 2 contests in the balance, I'm gonna try and hang tight in here for them. We have a huge list of missing authors 411 and I'm not gonna be one of them. I want it known when I go so there is no guessing.
Sephrena
Certainly not the best news I've heard
One of my most cherished memories with you was back in the day at the ol' Gaby verse page (ya know, I can't even recall the proper name) and you were one of the first 'critics' to embrace my fledgling efforts to write some Gaby fan-fiction, that and those 'tummy-rubs' you frequently gave. Even after all these years, I have to think of you whenever I have to satisfy my Huskie's need for his morning tummy-rub. :)
Hearing of you situation was more than sobering to say the least, but I guess I'm at the age where I can expect to hear of friends passing. All I can do is keep you in my prayers, wish all the best for you and hope you at least make it to Christmas like you wish - if not beyond. You're going to be missed here a BCTS ... by all of us.
PB.
Thank you PB!
Im not down and out yet, I am still fighting this daily. Ultimately I will loose, but I'm delaying it for as long as possible within my power. I am glad you still remember me! :)
Sephrena
I am sad that your journey is getting short
Thank you for the work you put in to help me and others enjoy the stories and the community. May the rest of your goals be achieved, and that you can enjoy your accomplishments. That was an exquisitely crafted post to explain your situation by the way. Best wishes and lots of hugs.
Wendy K
I wanted it to
be thoughtful and teeny bit entertaining despite the bad news. And thank you for letting me help you when I did :)
I hope I make it to Christmas!
Sephrena
Just this
<3
Love, Andrea Lena
A little more love.
Seph:
I don't know of anyone who has helped as many people, touched as many lives, made as many friends as you have over the years, Seph. Take strength and satisfaction in that and know that there is just a little bit more from me. It's probably not much for all the years of mayhem here, but it is given with all my heart in the hope it will strengthen yours just that much more. Thank you, Sephrena Lynn Miller.
Love,
Sarah Lynn
Thank you Sarah
for your word's of confidence. I know you hadn't written much in recent years but what you did write back in the beginning was fantastic! I appreciate your words of comfort with Emily, Samantha, and so many others. If anything, I appreciate what you have done as well. Life without you would have been much dimmer. And thank you for your encouragement. I know I don't have too much time left, but I'll make the best of it that I can for you :)
Sephrena
Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing all this, Sephrena. I'm so sorry you're going through all that, but it takes a lot of courage to be open about such things. Death and mortality are things that nobody likes to think about, but all of us have a limited amount of time, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that.
A few years ago, my best friend died unexpectedly. A few months prior, I'd had a big fight with him. Fortunately we mended fences right away, so it wasn't a big deal, but it stuck with me that if I hadn't made that effort to do the right thing in the moment, things might have ended very badly between us. I still miss him terribly, but if I'd chosen to nurse that grudge--which would have been so very easy--it would have been a black mark on my soul I'd carry for the rest of my life.
Life's too short for anger and grudges, but sometimes we think we have all the time in the world. Our time is precious, and none of us knows how long we have. Thank you for sharing your thoughtfulness, gratitude, and wisdom. It's very much appreciated.
That is so true
That was why I went public with my health decline right away. I have this eerie feeling I wont make it much longer and that is why I posted about how I felt about everyone. All of you made BCTS possible. The authors. Your works. Our cooperation. It all worked because of you. And Jenny you were part of that. Love each other and don't fight. Thank you for being here with me! You are appreciated.
Sephrena
I'm not good with words and
I'm not good with words and stuff, especially in this kind of serious context. I always overthink things, doubt myself and think that maybe I shouldn't say anything at all for fear of saying the wrong thing so I'm gonna try and keep this simple. You have encouraged and helped a lot of authors and contributed a lot here on BCTS over the years and, if you are taken from us, you will be missed, Sephy.
*big hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
I know Amethyst
That time is close and I am sad. But I'm glad I had the chance to do some good, and you hon were good! Thank you so much!
Sephrena
I just found out!
Hi Sephrena!
It looks like you are still with us, because I've seen a recent post. I was in shock, as I was seeking out how to enter contests I came across this very sad post. I was in the hospital myself when you posted it, and it took me a while to get back on site.
Remember when I called you 'Sephora?' Giggle. I'm usually good with names, oh well. You have given me a wakeup call, because I am now 58 and sedentary and still on hormones. My cholesterol has been outrageously high for a long time now, although I am now on meds for it. I am so sorry for all you have been going through. You always wonder what the lives of the people you interact with are like and so often have no idea of the struggles. I was deeply touched (not ashamed to admit that I cried) by being included in your letter to all the wonderful people here on Big closet. I would be honored to be an editor, although I can't help but wonder what I did to make you think I would be up to the task. My html skills are still rudimentary, but you have given me the impetus to maybe get something like 'HTML For Dummies.' Aptly named. I wish I would have discovered Big closet many years ago and gotten to know you better. I am a magical thinker, so I can't help but wish for a miracle for you. Merry Christmas! I am heading over right now to get on the treadmill!
Love, Tara
Tara Nicole Miller