CHAPTER 30
I left the women with a suffering child and rode back to Bethesda in a partial daze, the transition from city to country only partially clearing my thoughts, until I realised I needed a much steadier head for the waiting bends.

I pulled the bike onto its centre stand on the patch of tarmac by a junction just before the woods started, and hauled out my mobile. It rang three times before being answered.

“I’m at work, Mike. This important?”

So much for speaking to Vic and Nansi first, but this way suddenly made more sense. I drew in a breath.

“Afraid it is that, woman”

A word that got easier to say each time we met.

“Right. Hang on… Tom? Got an urgent call. Going to an interview room… No idea. Be as quick as I can”

Her attention came back to me.

“Just going out the back, Mike. Hang on… Right. Door’s shut. What’s up?”

“Something I hope you can help with, or at least point me in the right direction”

“Who’s hurting, Mike? Taking some guesses here and it is either going to be job-related or, well, ME-related. Sorry to be brusque, but we’ve got a job about to start”

A ‘job’? Oh. Idiot that I was.

“I’ll be as quick as I can, then. It’s Dafi”

There was a clatter at the other end of the line before she spoke again.

“Sorry, Mike. Chairs are chained, and I sat down a bit hard. What’s happened? How badly is he… Oh. You are an idiot, Woodruff. Am I thinking along the right lines, Mike? Dafi’s not really Dafi?”

In with both feet again, Rhodes.

“You are spot on, Steph”

“What’s happened to her, Mike?”

“Breaking all sorts of confidences here, woman, but I don’t really care--- no. Rewind. I think there are more important things to worry about. Self-harm, that’s what”

“Overdose?”

“Yes. Took the stuff and went to bed, rather than take them then panic, if you get my point”

“I do. So what did she take? From what you’re saying it was nothing immediately lethal, so please tell me it wasn’t paracetamol, cause that stuff is nasty and slow”

“I believe it was antihistamines”

“Hang on. Got MIMS here”

There was the sound of shuffling paper.

“MIMS, Steph?”

“Monthly Index of Medical something or other, Mike. A drugs list. Hang on… Oh shit. That’s nasty, but not as bad as I dreading. Who knows?”

“Bit more specific would be good”

“Sorry. Bit sideways here. Who knows about her so far?”

“Me first, then Pen”

“Not Vic and Nansi?”

“Not as far as I know. That’s mostly why I’m ringing you”

“I think—hang on. Door”

More rattling of chains, and then a man’s voice, faint but clear over the phone.

“I was going to let you know we’re sorted with the punter, and just need to sort the shit shovelling roster, but the state you’re in. What on Earth, love?”

“Friend’s kid, Tom. In hospital. Bit out of the blue—sorry”

“Finish the call, wash your face, and go home to Geoff. Come back tomorrow if you can; we’ll cope. Come back IF and ONLY if you’re okay”

“Thanks, Tom”

“No worries, love. I’ll put it down as a domestic emergency. How old?”

“About ten”

“Shit. Finish your call, and I’ll make the excuses to the team. And then go home. You safe to ride?”

“I will be”

“See you tomorrow, then”

There was the sound of a door latching, and she was back with me.

“Sorry, Mike. The boss, aye?”

“Not a problem. They seem to be looking after you”

“You have no idea, Mike. That’s sort of the thing here, with the child. Girl. Her name?”

“She says she’s Alys. That’s spelled the Welsh way”

“A-L-Y-S, then. Anyway, my point is from what you said. I know full well who you met before I met Sally. That’s my shrink, and of course I met Geoff as well, and that’s when… Mike?”

“Yes, love?”

I could hear the catches in her breath as the emotion seized her.

“What it was was fear. Once I understood who I was, it was shame as well as fear, and that led to distrust. Nobody could ever accept a freak like me, and I was, Geoff showed me, Kelly, Bill, Jan… I’m rambling. I thought I was hiding, and all my neighbours already knew. I was terrified what the team would say, work team, and all they did was make some sexist jokes and tell me how stupid I’d been. Just…”

I could hear her sobs far more clearly now, so I kept my silence and waited on her strength.

“Mike?”

“Still here”

“Sorry. Just a bit close to home. Looking at a present Geoff gave me ages ago”

“Go on?”

“Locket, with a copy of a picture of my parents in it. That’s the thing, really. I did things like Dafi---Alys. Like Alys did, but my parents never got to meet me. Me as I really am, that is. Alys has a real chance there. Vic and Nansi are sound people, but Alys will be terrified they’ll drop her. What have you said to her about me?”

That was far easier ground.

“Nothing at all. It would mean outing you, and that’s your call, not mine. You think I should tell her parents?”

“Yes. Sooner the better, in my view. Right now, they have a suicidal child and no idea why. If they’re the people I think they are, this will give them a depressed child they can deliver hope to rather than one they’ll be terrified to leave on their own. Where are they?”

“The girls are with Alys, the men at home”

“Then go and talk to Vic, my friend. If you out me to the girl, people will start seeing it as grooming or some other rubbish. Look: I’m off home. You go and see Vic, and make it clear I’m happy to help any way I can. I mean I’m not HAPPY happy, if you take my point, but he can ring if he needs. I’ll warn Geoff. Off with you, love”

That word cut me as well as delivering a real shot of warmth. It wasn’t the way she used that word to her husband, or Caro had used it to me, and it was welcome acknowledgement of our friendship, but. I was still shaking from that revelation I had offered Alys, and my loss was so, so persistent in the way it could sit up and deliver another set of razor cuts to my soul.

Walk away from the bike, Rhodes. Breathe the air. Listen to the river laughing behind the edge of the woods, and then ride carefully back to the lads.

I set it once more onto the centre stand next to the bunkhouse, threading the heavy chain through back wheel and frame before shouldering the saddle bags, now containing more ale. Numb the pain before delivering the nastiness made abundant sense to me. Keith answered the door upon my ring.

“Vic’s at Dwr y Mynydd getting a takeaway for us. Update when he’s back?”

I set my lid on the telephone table by the entrance and handed him my panniers.

“Beer in there, mate. Stick it in the kitchen while I get my boots off, then we need a chat”

“Wait for Vic?”

“No. Not this time”

He took the bags from me, brow wrinkled, as I dumped boots and jacket before settling into an armchair. He appeared with bottles and glasses, as I had hoped and expected, and as he poured his drink made it clear he was waiting on my words. I poured and sipped, then smiled as best I could.

“Vic and Nansi have a real problem, Keith, but”

I held a hand up to forestall his reaction, and pulled out Steph’s words.

“Couple of major ‘buts’, in fact. Kid told me what their problem is, so I had a word with a friend. Steph Woodruff”

“Why would you… oh fucking hell, Mike! Really?”

I nodded before taking another mouthful of beer.

“Penny knows now. Steph was the obvious person to ask after Alys spoke to me”

“Alys who?”

“Alys Edwards”

“Oh. Oh shit. And what did Steph suggest?”

I wasn’t being wonderful with confidences, but I still had to try.

“What has Steph said to you about her earlier life?”

“Not much, to be honest”

“Well, the self-harm stuff is, was pretty obvious. Agreed?”

“Bloody obviously. Go on”

“Well, she never got to meet, her parents never got to meet her, and she says Alys is luckier that way. Her problem, Steph’s problem, that is, was fear. How would people react? Short answer: they went all protective. All her fear was unfounded. She did give Geoff a lot of the credit, but obviously that’s not an option for Alys. We need to be her Geoff, her work team, and that’s not all”

“What else is there?”

“She was very clear in saying that the Edwards can now have a really clear idea of what’s up, and that it’s a problem with a solution. They just need a bit of, dunno, a bit of being the folk we know”

The doorbell went again, and Keith rose to let Vic in with the food. So much for healthy eating. Keith and I closed down Vic’s questions with promises to talk as we ate (and drank), and so we found ourselves back in our seats, beers on side tables and food on lap trays. I took my time over a couple of bites of a spring roll, then looked at Vic, who was a red-eyed mess, and thanked god he hadn’t driven to the Chinese place.

“I left the girls with the clothes and stuff, and they had a shower. Nurses are looking after them all, Vic. Really well”

“How’s Dafi?”

“Better, I hope. We had a long talk about things. They looked really glad to see the books you sent”

“Yes, they were. We talked a bit about their reading”

“Did he say anything about why he did what he did? Was it something we did, or kids at school? What?”

I shook my head, spinning out the easy bit in my own dread of the heavier stuff. Another bite of food.

“Fear, Vic. They’re terrified of a couple of things, one of which is what you and Nansi might say about them”

“Frightened of me and Nans? Why would he be frightened? Of us?”

This wasn’t my job, or shouldn’t have been, but it had landed squarely in my lap, and along with it had come the hopes of a child. Verandah Buttress rather than Sundowner, I was praying. I waited till Vic had put down his glass.

“Despair, Vic. She’s called Alys, or rather that’s the name she wants”

He was speechless for a far shorter time than I had expected, muttering something harsh-sounding in Welsh before switching back to English.

“And our own son couldn’t tell us this?”

“I took some advice from Steph before I came back, Vic. Just to try and get my own head around it. Sorry and all, breaking confidences, but this is such a messy situation, and I have already lost a child of my own, and I can’t see another go”

Keith was in his own little place of shock.

“Are you saying Caro was…?”

“Yes, mate. She was. Makes me a bit determined about this. Sorry, Vic: not trying to take centre of attention here. Something Steph said, okay? Her parents never got to meet her, and she had spent all her time with them in fear of what they would say. She likes to think they’d have been proud. You’ve got a child who has issues you can solve, or at least address, she said, which is better than wondering when the next OD or wrist slash is coming”

“Fuck, Mike! You don’t pull your punches, do you?”

“Vic, well, shit. I’ve met Alys. So, by now has Penny, and I assume that she’ll be having much the same talk with Nansi, if she hasn’t already. So, punches. Here’s another one: you can get to know your child; I never had that choice. My wife died…”

So much for my solid hard-man composure. Keith passed me a square of paper towel and I blew my nose before speaking again.

“Vic: please say hello to Alys. Please, please take away her fear”