CHAPTER 29
I was caught, well and truly. It wasn’t solving a puzzle, it wasn’t confirming my guesses, but rather receiving the two-edged gift of the hand grenade of Dafi’s confidence. That phrase actually ran through my head, and as one part of my brain ran off arguing about whether grenades had edges, the rest of me simply sat and stared, trying to work out a much more important question: what the hell to do now?

Dafi was staring at me, and as I wobbled his eyes filled with a mixture of hope and tears. Shit.

Deep breath and deep end, Rhodes.

“If you’re not a boy, Dafi, what are you?”

His mouth twisted, and there was clearly intelligence in his answer, as well as what sounded like the start of despair replacing the hope I had glimpsed. This was no stupid child.

“Uncle Mike, what do you think? We did Venns at school in sums. Sets. Only two sets here, and if I’m not in one…”

What the hell was a child who wasn’t yet ten doing with set theory?

“Dafi, can I make a promise to you?”

“What about?”

“I promise to do my best for you, to try and understand, but I need a promise from you in return”

He stared at me, his own mind clearly turning its own somersaults, and then asked me what promise I needed from him.

“Just don’t laugh when I get things wrong”

That brought a chuckle, immediately followed by a sudden flood of tears, so I reached out to hold him, and his fingers dug deep into my back. Poor, poor child. If…

My own tears ambushed me, and somehow we ended up with a child comforting an oversized adult, and Carolyn was there with me, the loss slicing through me in the most painful of ways, and I could hear her voice.

One child gone, along with half of me, but she was absolutely clear in the words I imagined from her.

One child gone; no more allowed to follow. No more sitting like that Aussie lizard, waiting for the next car. I pulled myself a little way from her so that I could see her face, because it was all making such sense then.

“Two sets, Dafi? You in the other one?”

She nodded.

“Ma girl. I know it, like, like, like which hand to write with. I know…”

She waved a hand at herself.

“Tried to tell Mam, but she doesn’t listen. Don’t know if she can. I thought I was mad, you know?”

She suddenly grinned, and that was when my mind finally did click into seeing her behind him.

“So you’re really a girl, then? What’s made you laugh?”

That look away I recognised, that failure of new-found confidence, so I cupped her chin and gently turned her face back towards my own.

“Was stupid, Uncle Mike. Mam, she and Dad, I looked up ways to see stuff on the computer, hide it from them, and it was really good, cause”

She stopped again, as I rewound all the old jokes about getting five year olds to set the timers on video recorders, as well as some comments by Steph. I smiled as best I could for the little girl I was holding.

“Cause you found out it wasn’t just you that felt that way?”

Her eyes widened, and she shook her head vigorously, all of that knowing maturity fled.

“Yes! That’s it! Not just me! Not been naughty, not mad, not on my own this way!”

I just nodded, letting her set the pace.

“I tried telling Mam, but could never get the right words, and don’t think she can… and I know they’re going to hate me! I was reading, and it says things happen when I go to the big school, happen in my body, and I just, and they’ll really hate me, won’t they?”

What a pile of shit. Time to dig deeper, Rhodes.

“I was going to be a Dad once, Dafi”

“What happened?”

“I didn’t get the chance. Something really bad happened”

“What?”

“Not today, love. I was lucky. I had friends, Enfys’ Mam and Dad. They looked after me, even though I did stupid things”

“Like what?”

“Like drinking too much beer all the time”

Her eyes widened, the child showing once again.

“Did you wee yourself?”

I shrugged.

“Can’t remember. Possibly. What I’m saying is that my friends never gave up on me, kept helping. How could a Mam and Dad not do even better, for their own child?”

She was weeping once more, and I held her gently for a few moments until the shuddering eased.

“Dafi…”

“Don’t want that name”

A boy’s name. Of course she didn’t want it.

“What can I call you, then? What would you like?”

Her voice was only just audible.

“Alys”

A couple of deep breaths, and her whisper continued.

“Been practising writing it and everything, but Welsh way, course. A-L-Y-S”

“Why that name, love?”

“Been reading some stories, so I looked on the computer, and it said the writer’s name was really Alice, not Andre, and as well there’s Alice, with the Red Queen and the Cheshire Cat, and she goes through a mirror, and I look in a mirror, and if I could do that, I’d be on the other side, and I might be turned round to the right way”

She was a kaleidoscope, flashing from infant terror to sharper insight than I could believe possible.

“Alys…”

“That’s going to be my name”

“Want me to speak to your Mam and Dad for you?”

“Would they listen to you?”

“I hope so. Won’t know less I try, will I? Want me to?”

She looked down once again, then back up at me, lines appearing at the edges of her mouth as she clamped down on more sobs, then nodded sharply, just as someone coughed behind me.

The nurse was polite, but insistent.

“Time for the consultant’s rounds. Doctor’s coming in a minute. Could I just ask you to…?”

I gave Alys a last squeeze of the hand, and set out for the café, texting Pen as I walked.

Doctor’s rounds. Am off to the café. Need a word without Nansi. We were right. She’s called Alys

Her reply was almost immediate.

Go out front entrance. Nansi already in café. Meet you outside

I did as instructed, to be joined by a rapidly-moving Pen, who was straight to the point.

“What have we got, Mike?”

I opened my arms to invite the hug, which allowed me to whisper the words to her ear.

“She’s called Alys, love”

“Shit! Sorry; don’t mean that’s shit, obviously, but we, hell”

She pulled away to arms’ length, face screwed up in worry.

“The kid’s been clear about it?”

“Very. Not like Steph, though”

“Oh? What about Steph?”

I tugged her towards a wooden bench, settling myself onto it as she followed suit.

“Ah, we’ve been spending time together, with her man as well, of course. The more I see of her, the more I see how she was as being, you know, ill-fitting? She makes so much sense now, as a person. She spoke about her younger days, and she’s like Alys, but not”

“Puzzled now, Mike”

“Ah, it’s simple, really. Steph was a mess as a kid, but never knew why. When she understood, things got messy, and we both remember that bit”

“Aye, rather too well”

“Well, Alys---”

“You seem okay with that name”

“She says it’s her name, or will be. Anyway, I gather she’s known since she could first really… since she first had a sense of identity. Pen?”

“That’s MY name. What revelation do you have now?”

“When did kids get better at using the internet than adults? She’s been reading up on her condition”

“Shit. You think it’s some sort of, dunno, like a cult thing? Grooming?”

I stared at her for a few seconds before shaking my head.

“Be honest, love: do you really believe that yourself?”

She held my gaze for a few seconds of her own before shaking her head.

“No, Mike. Not really. What the hell do we do now?”

“My thoughts? We give it a few days to let people settle. I keep hope going for Alys, and I ring Steph for advice. No--- I can’t ask Alys for permission, as that would be outing Steph, and I can’t do that without her own permission, so it’s your old vicious circle thingy”

“What then?”

“Well, it’s a little more complex. I really need to speak to Vic and Nansi before I speak to Steph, which means waiting till Alys is definitely on the mend, or even back home. I’m boing to have to…oh, arse”

I pulled my phone out, tapping in Betty’s number.

“What do you want, Rhodes? Out with the kids and the pack mule, yes you, know your place man, sorry Mike, just had to put him back into line. What’s up?”

“Got a couple of issues with some friends. Health stuff. Hospital. Going to need to stay a few more days after the weekend. Can you clear it with the boss? I can do some overtime next week”

She was silent for a few seconds, then asked the obvious question.

“Not the kids, love?”

“Sort of, Bets. I, well, all hands to the pumps”

“Mike, you are so bloody soft, and that wasn’t a complaint. Tell your friends we are only a phone call away if they need us. Got me?”

“Got you”

“One thing, love. Promise me the kid will be okay. It’s the lad, isn’t it?”

“Can’t say, Bets”

“Shit! What Shaun said… Christ, they’ll have a plate more than full, if I have it right. Hang up. I’ll sort work for you, and if necessary, the rest of us will divvy up your jobs. Off and sort them, okay, and talk when you can”

She was gone, and I was left with a silent phone. Yet another deep breath, and I smiled at Pen.

“Work’s sorted, and I’m free and at your service”

“Lots to take on, Mike”

“Can’t see another dead kid, Pen”

“Another?”

“Caro was… she was expecting when, things”

I rose, taking her hand and drawing her to her feet, seeking her strength even as her tears started.

“Come with me, love. I’ll keep Nansi busy; you go and meet Alys”