CHAPTER 38
Chad was what I had always considered a typical, or perhaps ‘cliché’, Australian, in being too tall, too bony, too big in the nose and too sunburnt, especially on that overly long nose. I thought back to our friend in the campervan business, whose nose was similarly red, and wondered if I would end up as another Mr Rednose. It would be cheaper than getting there by drinking, anyway.

Maryam was a bit shorter, or rather a lot shorter, at around five foot six. Her own skin seemed to glow rather than radiate the heat I felt coming off Chad’s nose, and when she smiled at Kul’s repeated mention of ‘LLB’, I had to ask.

“Yes, the customer gave me some. I drank it. I sort of liked it. I have no idea what it is. That do, you teasing bastard?”

Kul laughed.

“You know me too well! One of you two want to explain?”

Chad raised a hand.

“Lemon, lime and bitters, Mike. That’s angostura bitters”

“What? Those funny little bottles wrapped in paper—”

“With all that writing on? And the yellow cap? That’s the stuff. You can buy it ready mixed, but my way… Get a glass, put about four drops of the bitters in it, roll the glass so it smears around its inside. Then add ice, lemonade and lime juice. LLB”

Kul snorted.

“Imagine it in Sheffield, mate. You go into the Banker’s Draft—if you’re bereft of sense---”

He put on an awful Yorkshire accent, but I reminded myself he was from Leicester.

“Ay up t’Landlord, ‘appen as like you’ve got any bitters in? Aye, he says, us ‘as got t’Tetley, and t’Sam Smith’s and t’Timmy t’Taylor”

I stared at him, slowly shaking my head.

“Chad, Maryam, his Yorkshire accent is as about as accurate as Dick van Dyke’s cockney or Meryl Streep’s English”

Maryam perked up.

“I thought hers was good”

I did my own eyebrow thing.

“Only if you think vase rhymes with base. Just trust me: the single thing Mister Butt here is good at is in taking the piss”

That and looking after his mates, of course, but that was a given, and hopefully always would be. Maryam replayed my eyebrows to me.

“Really? We hadn’t noticed, she lied badly. Mike, getting to the point, without Kul talking rubbish, what do you do outside work? Apart from drink?”

Kul interrupted before I could speak.

“Serious head on? Mike’s a climber. Me and Dal, he’s taken us out loads of times, both near to Sheffield and up in North Wales, not New South”

He paused, and all three did a clearly well-rehearsed sneer. I took my cue.

“What is there around here for a bit of climbing?”

I was surprised to see Maryam nodding.

“Statham’s Quarry, Mike. Or so I heard. It’s near the top of the Zig Zags”

“Sorry again?”

She sighed.

“Old railway line, now a road. Steep hill, trains had to do a shuffle back and forth to get up”

“Ah! I saw that on telly, somewhere in South America”

She nodded.

“Think I saw the same thing. Who would you climb with?”

I looked quickly at Kul, then smiled.

“I would have said him, but I suspect his boy Dal is more into it”

Chad looked at Maryam, playing another eyebrow game with her and getting a nod in response before he turned back to me.

“Mike, all of us here, on this team, we’re, well, none of us are locals, apart from Ronnie. I think if this is something we could try as a group, it might help us gel a bit more. Show us we can trust each other”

He stopped abruptly, then grinned.

“Christ, mate! I was sounding like a real bloody management consultant there, wasn’t I? Not meaning all that rubbish, honest. Just that Kul’s got his family here, but me and Maz, we’re on our own. I mean, we might hate it, but a fair go’s a fair go”

I could see his point, and as I had sneaked my rock boots into my luggage ‘just in case’, I was tempted.

“Makes sense to me, mate, but it’s something that would need a bit of technical gear, like harnesses, rope, other stuff”

Kul had a hand up, looking slightly embarrassed, which was a novel event in itself.

“We, Mike, me and Dal, we’ve got harnesses, and a rope. There’s some indoor climbing places we’ve used. Just not outdoors”

“Why not?”

“Two reasons, mainly. First is that it’s likely to be what they call trad climbing, and the indoor stuff is either bouldering over a crashmat, toproping or what you call bolt clipping. Me and the boy, we’re not that happy about setting up protection”

“But you’ve done it with me!”

“Exactly. Which is sort of the second reason. The missus was quite clear: we didn’t come halfway round the world so I could get me and the boy killed. Sangeeta was quite firm on that bit. Anyway, so we’ve got our harnesses, a rope, a few slings, ten or so quick-draws and a half-dozen screwgate krabs—I’ll explain later, you two. Enough to let us all have a go. Might even drag ‘Geeta up. She can do us some samosas and shit”

Maz rounded on him with a grin.

“You are one sexist bastard, Kul!”

He grinned back at her.

“Nope; I just know how shit I am in a kitchen, and so does my wife”

He paused for effect, the added, “And you lot don’t want to discover just HOW bad!”

We all laughed, if a little dutifully on my part, as I had already sampled breakfasts prepared by the man. He was clearly pushing his clown persona in the new office, and I wondered if he was, himself, feeling a little out of place. Leave it for now, Rhodes. I raised my own hand, following Kul’s example.

“What would work, then? And what’s the local rock? Kul here at least knows the difference between tufa, rhyolite and grit”

Another grin.

“My hands did, after that first time in the Peak. Couldn’t pick up a hot cup for days”

Maz chuckled.

“That’s meant to be an enticement to the rest of us?”

Kul shook his head.

“Chad, you logged into the net? Any chance of a search for rock type up there?”

“Give me a few, mate, and I’ll be there”

“Ta. Now, back to work stuff, sorry, but Mike made a suggestion to today’s client that might be a goer. Usual stuff, his line of business, except he avoids the four-by-four idiots as much as possible. So his big earners are whale shark watchers and Go East Old Man, plus whatever Grey Nomad stops by for a bit of RV R-and-R”

I realised I had missed that bit, so held my tongue, remembering Kul’s team working mantra. He pointed at me just then.

“Mike here had a chat with some canal plodder back home, and while a lot of that sort of thing can work as an out-and-back, he was told about a solution this man’s boatyard had found. Now, Rod up at Kalamunda, his biggest problem is getting his vans back from the East Coast, cause while the whale shark watchers and croc snoggers generally want to come back down to Perth, the side-to-side lot want to finish up on the East Coast and tick all their Really Aussie points. Mike’s canal plodder hire man, he has a deal with another boatyard. They fettle—er, do all the repairs and maintenance for each other’s boats, and then someone hires them for the return trip”

Maryam was nodding.

“Yeah, I get that, but it would take real trust between the businesses, and somebody would really have to fly over with the---oh, Kul, you sneaky so and so!”

He was shaking his head before she had finished speaking.

“Not so so and so, Maz. If I went on a jolly to Sydney, She Who Must Be Obeyed would not be a happy bunny. Anyway, you might have noticed I’m a family man, and, well. Seriously, if I go over there, I want to take her and the lad, all of us seeing it with fresh eyes. We do need some scoping out, though, and not just on the internet”

Chad chipped in.

“Two things from me. First, I have an answer on the rock, and in Britain it’s called dolerite. Second, I actually have a cousin—oh, stop sniggering! I have a cousin who moved to Sydney a few years ago. I could ask him to see what’s on offer over there, anyone advertising westbound hire. Gives us an opening move, if you like”

All of us were nodding agreement at that, but I wanted to know a little more before I fully committed.

“Chad, what’s your cousin do?”

“Er, runs a cinema”

Kul was straight in.

“Cinema? Arty films, he says with a knowing look. Nudge nudge, wink wink?”

“What on Earth are you on about, Kul?”

“Oh for god’s sake, he’s a bloody Australian! Monty Python. Eric bloody Idle”

“Is he some sort of film maker?”

“Holy Grail! The Knights Who Say NEE or whatever it is. Life of Brian?”

“Nope. And anyway, he changed his name to Loretta”

“You teasing sod!”

“Gotcha, finally! And, well, arty films, but not that sort. His place is near King’s Cross, and before you try again, that’s the one in Sydney. Why do you think he left Tassy?”

Chad turned to me with a smile holding just a touch of bitterness.

“Couple of things you need an explanation for, Mike. Tasmania is a bit looked down on; local joke has us as the state where everyone knows his cousins very well”

I tried to hide my grin.

“NFN. Er, Normal For Norfolk. Local people for local marriages, that sort of thing. Sorry: reference to another comedy show”

“I know. League of Gentlemen. We get your shows shipped over here as well, Mike. Anyway, I’ll say it before the man with the beard does: my perfect cousin, Kevin, Tassy isn’t the most accepting of gay people, and King’s Cross is one of the big Aussie LGBT centres, and that is the sort of ‘art flick’ he shows. And his husband’s a solicitor”

Kul was grinning even wider than he normally did.

“Chad, lad, I could bloody kiss you, even though I’m not your cousin! Shall we park this one in the ‘have a really deep think about details over the next few days’ file and see if any issues pop up from the dark depths of our subconsciouses? Oh, and that rock, Mike? You familiar with it?”

I nodded, waving a hand in front of me in a ‘so-so’ gesture.

“Climbed on it a lot, actually, mostly in Northumberland. They have a lot of sandstone crags there, like a softer version of gritstone, but there’s a dolerite sill crosses the whole county”

“Sorry, Mike, but a sill?”

“Sorry from me, Maryam. What they call an intrusion, where igneous, volcanic type rock, breaks through a crack in the local country rock. Ever seen a pic of Hadrian’s Wall?”

“Oh, yeah! Saw one of a lake, with a cliff coming up out of it and the wall running along the top”

“Right. That was probably Crag Lough, and that cliff is a popular climbing spot. Right next to that Sycamore Gap place everyone raves about, from that Robin Hood film”

She actually sighed, then caught herself and chuckled once more.

“No! Not over that chinless wonder. It’s just, well, that view, that place, if I could… Dream trip, yes? Anyway, back to this rock”

“Right. Solid, dependable, nice square-cut holds where they are, but bugger all in the way of friction. Not as little as slate, though. As long as you aren’t doing anything too silly, you’re fine. I think it’s a goer. You both in?”

She looked at Chad, who gave a double thumbs up, and Kul once again stuck his arm up.

“Are we all free on Saturday, then? Plan is to meet at the quarry, see how we get on, and then back to my place for a barbie and some Swan or whatever Maggie River offering works for you”

Maryam gave him an absolutely blistering Paddington stare.

“Don’t you think asking Sangeeta first might be in order?”

Another grin, and he held up his mobile phone.

“Her suggestion, o stroppy one, after I texted. And she’s offering somewhere for you two to doss down afterwards, so sobriety will not just be an unwelcome guest, but one that can stay out in the cold. Well, in this place, relatively cold. We on, then?”

No objections. I could put up with dolerite. As Kul drove us home, I tried to say thanks to him for all he had done, and he just held up a hand to silence me.

“Mike, I’ll get straight to the point, okay? Perth is an amazing place, so welcoming it’s stupid, but it is very, very different to where we were. Deliberately not saying ‘home’, if you see my point. Three Sikhs, well, we’re global, us, courtesy of the Empire, and our families, Geeta’s and mine, they’re not fans, like I told you”

He paused at a red light before continuing.

“You are a little link back ho--- back to that place where we were. That is always welcome, mate, as are you, and as will be any of your friends, especially the Hiatts, Edwards and Woodruffs, or that Neil you mentioned. Geeta and me, we’ve decided, and we’ve started the process of sorting a permanent stay here”

“Bloody hell, Kul. That’s quick!”

“Not really, mate. This place, well, it’s not perfect, but what we left, whether it be Sheffield, or The Other Town Starting With L, there’s no comparison. We have been bloody lucky getting this opportunity, and we won’t let it slip by us. We…”

Another, longer, pause, then he gave me a quick look carrying a sadder smile than normal, before turning his attention back to the road.

“You need to look at Maz and Chad as well, mate. Neither of them feels at home, and after Chad’s comments about his cuz, I can understand that”

I opened my mouth to reply, but Kul held out his right hand again to shut me up.

“Mike, I suspect it’s not just his cousin, okay? He’s come a fucking long way from home, but he hasn’t gone to the obvious place. Something’s not right there. Then there’s Maz. I mean, there’s out of place, and then, well. What’s pushed her away from home? Anyway, you probably think I’m talking too much about people you hardly know, but, well, I DO know you, and that is something I have really missed: a bloke I know well enough to be serious with”

Another set of lights, another pause.

“This weekend is a chance to start letting Maz and Chad feel safe enough to relax. You happy to help with that?”

I started to draw breath for a reply, and he simply laughed out loud.

“Course you are, Mister Rhodes, just as we will be here for you about dead lizards. We fully intend to help make it better, mate. Two way street, yes?”

I struggled for a reply, but all I could come up with was an irrelevant question.

“Croc snoggers? What was that all about?”

His grin came back.

“Ah, loads of salties, saltwater crocodiles, up north. The boy’s been buying climbing guides; somewhere in Staffordshire, ‘Dangerous Crocodile Snogging’. Liked the name”

“That’s bloody E7, mate!”

“Well, lad’s ambitious. Back to the point: two way street? We didn’t stop being mates because three os us moved away, and not that ‘three’. Geeta’s here for you. No shame in how you were in the car earlier, but we look for ways to heal. Healing doesn’t have to mean forgetting”