Something woke me up.
It was almost pitch dark except for a faint glow coming from the port hole. I heard faint engine sounds and felt a slight vibration beneath me. The ship was moving gently, almost imperceptively under me.
I had no idea what had woken me up, but there was something that was bothering me, but I could not put my finger on it.
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

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Something woke me up.

It was almost pitch dark except for a faint glow coming from the port hole. I heard faint engine sounds and felt a slight vibration beneath me. The ship was moving gently, almost imperceptively under me.

I had no idea what had woken me up, but there was something that was bothering me, but I could not put my finger on it.

I got up and padded over to the port hole. I could see the moon, up above and its reflection on the almost calm sea.

By now, I was very awake.

What was it that was bothering me?

Groping along the wall, I found the switch and turned on the electric light. I blinked at the brightness of my cabin. Going over to the sink, I turned the tap on and cupped some water in my hand and drank it, as I was parched. I did that again a few times until I had quenched my thirst.

Drying my hand on a towel, “borrowed’ from the bathroom, I then went and sat on the bed mulling over what was bothering me. I played with the white bow on the front of my nightdress as I tried to work out the puzzle that was whirling around in my brain. I glanced at the side table and saw my father's wallet and then I realised what was concerning me.

I got up and looked in the wallet. There was some money, the tickets and a few other things like my mother's and sister's death certificates. Why Father kept those, I did not know. However, the thing that was bothering me was the passports. I remembered now that I had left them in the pocket of my jacket. I was not sure whether I would need my passport, but it was some sort of proof of my identity and that might be important once we arrived in America.

After mulling things over for a while, I decided that I had no choice but to go and get the passport, despite the dangers that that might involve. However, I did not want to go during the day as there were far too many people about. No, it would be best to go and get it now, when, hopefully, the ship was quieter and not so many people roaming the decks.

My big worry was that the door of the hold might be locked. That would be a problem that could not be resolved until I arrived. Another obvious concern was that I must not get caught. I dared not think of the consequences of that.

I had made my decision and I was determined to carry it through. It was probable madness, but now I had decided on my course of action, I was determined to go ahead and at least try to get that important document.

I would obviously have to get dressed as running around the corridors in a nightdress was not a good idea. I proceeded to dress myself as quickly as possible. It had just gone three o’clock and I wanted to get back to my cabin as soon as possible. It took me a good ten minutes to get dressed. I was wearing my dark blue dress and I hoped that being so attired, I would not draw attention to myself quite so much as if I was wearing something brighter.

Soon, I was ready and I quietly unlocked the cabin door and opened it. I poked my head out and looked up and down the corridor. The corridor was dimly lit, presumably because strong lighting was not required at night.

There was no one about and for that, I was grateful. I had no idea if patrols were made by the crew during the night and early hours. No doubt, I would find out soon enough.

To say I was scared would be an understatement.

I quietly let myself out of the cabin and then closed and locked the door behind me. Soon, I was going down the corridor as fast as possible and was glad that there was carpet on the deck as I did not want to make any noise. I reached the stairs and made my way down, stopping every few moments to make sure that I could hear no one ahead or behind me.

Making my way down to G-Deck was fraught with danger. What if I met someone, probably a crew member at that time of night, or rather early morning?

I would just have to be very careful and trust to luck. I had reached F-Deck and was about to go down the final flight of stairs when I heard talking, coming from below me, together with the sound of feet.

In an almost panic, I darted away from the stairway and into the corridor. I glanced about in panic as to a place where I could hide myself, but there was nowhere. The voices sounded slightly echoey as they came nearer.

I wondered how I could possibly get out of this situation. I was, by now, breathing heavily and my heart was thumping in my chest so loudly, that it was a wonder that I could not hear it.

The voices grew louder and I wondered if I could run to the other end of the corridor and somehow disappear around the corner. However, I realised that the end of the corridor was too far away and I had little chance of not being caught before reaching any form of safety.

I heard the sound of laughter.

The steps came nearer and nearer…

And then on upwards.

I breathed a sigh of relief that they had not decided to go along the deck that I was on. I swear that I might have died of fright if they had done so. That was probably my being a bit dramatic, but at the time, I very much felt that way.

The sounds of the voices and footsteps faded away, but I made sure that they were fully gone before I continued on my ill-advised adventure.

I made my way back to the stairs and continued on down to G-Deck.

I was thankful that I did not meet anyone else on my journey and I soon found myself at the large cargo hold hatch. There was a lever on the hatch and I pushed it down.

It squeaked alarmingly and I held my breath, wondering if the sound would carry.

I waited a few moments and I heard nothing, so I pushed the door open, thankful that it did not have a lock on it.

I let myself in and carefully pushed the hatch back into its place. Turning around, I breathed a sigh of relief that there was low but adequate lighting. One of my many worries was that there might be no light in there and that would have meant that I would not see anything and then my quest would be a fruitless one.

After a moment, I got my bearings and quickly made my way over to where I knew that I had left my boys’ clothes.

There were quite a few more cases and trunks in the hold, but I eventually managed to find the corner where I had left my things. I saw my jacket folded on top and immediately felt in the pockets.

The papers I needed were there and I breathed a sigh of relief. Without wasting any more time, I stood with the precious documents and immediately left. There was a window in the hatch and I looked out and saw that the coast was clear.

Letting myself out of the hold and closing the door as quietly as possible was just the work of a moment. There was a slight squeak as I pulled up the lever of the hatch and I grimaced as I heard it, but my luck was in as there was no one about to hear it.

Being as careful as possible not to make a noise as there was no carpeting down on the deck, I made my way to the stairs and started to make my way to my cabin. Once again I was careful to listen out for voices and steps but thankfully heard nothing.

When I reached my deck, I made my way along the corridor to my cabin and then let myself in.

Sinking down on the sofa, I breathed a sigh of relief. I marvelled at the fact that I had managed to get my passport without being caught. It would have been terrible if I had been seen as I could not give a reasonable account as to why I would be out of my bed at that time.

I was about to get undressed when I realised that I had to go to the bathroom. It was a nuisance but I was prone to needing the facilities on a fairly regular basis and I had always been the same. Father had joked in the past that I was like an old man, the amount of times I had to go!

I had little appetite for leaving the safety of my cabin again, but I had little choice. Many of those with a first-class cabin had a water closet in their suite, but no such luxury for second and third-class passengers.

I wearily got up and left the cabin. I was soon in the water closet and finished my ablutions. After washing my hands, I left the bathroom and nearly ran into a sailor who was standing just outside. I almost had the fright of my life and must admit that I squeaked a tiny scream.

I think that he was as surprised at the sight of me as I was of him. I had a feeling that he had just used the gentlemen's toilets and I suspect that this was not normally allowed by the crew.

He recovered himself quicker than I.

‘Sorry to startle you Miss.’

‘Erm that’s alright,’ I replied weakly.

‘It’s a bugger, I mean a shame to have to use the toilet at night isn't it?’

‘Yes it is,’ I said, blushing for some reason.

‘Do you need escorting back to your cabin Miss?’

‘Erm that’s all right officer, it’s just down there.’

I vaguely pointed down the corridor.

‘Lawd Miss I’m not an officer, Petty officer yes but not a proper one. Anyway, I had best be off. Have a nice night Miss.’

‘You too, Mr Petty Officer.’

He shook his head and laughed as he went left and I went right.

Soon, I was back in my cabin. I quickly got undressed for the second time that night and after switching off the light, I made my back to my welcome bed.

I must have been very tired after my nocturnal wonderings.

As I awoke, for a brief moment, I didn’t realise where I was and could not think straight.

I had heard sounds coming from outside and assumed that that was what had awakened me.

Then everything came back to me. My father’s death and my coming aboard The Titanic in such a strange way and my adventures from then on.

I stretched and then got out of my warm bed. Padding over to the porthole. I could see that we had arrived at the port – Queenstown, I believed.

There was much hustle and bustle outside. I could see to my left that the cranes were working hard to load cargo of some sort. To my right, my view was somewhat limited but I could see that many people were getting off the ship and further on, a queue of people presumably waiting to get on.

This was the last port of call before we crossed the Atlantic Ocean to New York.

Despite my worries and misgivings, I felt a thrill of anticipation at the thought of arriving in New York. I had little idea as to what the place was like and more importantly, what would happen to me. I dearly hoped that I would be accepted into that great country and not sent back to England. A place that was full of sorrow for me.

As to my appearance, it was strange standing there in a nightdress that was clearly for a girl and not a boy. It seemed so right that I should now present myself as a girl and not a boy. It made me wonder why that was so.

I went back and sat on the bed, smiling as I remembered my dear friend Sally. She always wore pretty clothes and she waxed lyrical about it. I recalled that she once said to me that I would look lovely as a girl and be able to wear such finery as she was able to. I laughed at that and poo-pooed the idea. What boy would be seen wearing a dress? It was a preposterous notion. Although, deep down, I knew for some reason, I was jealous of her.

Did that mean that, even then, I had a yearning to look and be like my dear Sally? I did not know much about the ins and outs of it then but I knew more now as I was older and perhaps somewhat wiser. Society has always said that boys were boys and girls were girls.

Enough of my woolgathering, I thought, what should I do now?

I glanced up at the clock and was slightly surprised. If it was timed correctly, it was just after noon. I must have slept far longer than I thought. Not surprising really after what I had to do early in the morning!

I found myself to be rather hungry. It had been many hours since I had eaten last and had met that fearsome lady in the dining room.

I remembered that I had a deck plan for the ship. On the back was important information about the various schedules for passengers on the ship. I had already used the information the previous day regarding the church service. The plan was on the table over in the corner, where I had left it.

Getting up, I walked over and picked it up.

Looking on the back, I saw some useful information about the times of meals. For the second class, I noted, Second Class passengers had specific meal times. Breakfast was served from 8:00 AM to 10:00 AM, lunch from 1:00 PM to 2:30 PM, and dinner from 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM.

I did not have too long to wait before I could eat lunch. I hoped that I would not be asked for a cabin number on arrival. However, I did think it a good idea to have a look around for a cabin that was occupied and use that number in the hope that the people occupying that cabin were not in attendance.

Unsurprisingly, I needed to use the toilet rather urgently. I was not dressed to walk the corridor as I had no robe to cover my nightdress and anyway, at that time of day, it would not be appropriate to wear such attire. I would have to get dressed.

I had few choices as to what to wear so I decided to put on the blue dress that I wore the previous day as it still looked clean, but I left off the pinafore and would wear it later when I went down to lunch.

I swiftly dressed as I really needed to use the facilities rather urgently. I didn’t even have time to put on my petticoat, stockings or drawers. I would properly dress and prettify, if that is a word, myself later once my urgent need had been satisfied.

After putting on my shoes, I left the cabin, locking the door after me and made my way down the corridor to the Ladies' bathroom. There were several people about along the corridor, a few with cases, but they paid no attention to me as I continued my short journey.

I opened the door and entered the bathroom, making my way swiftly to the water closet. I nodded to a lady who was looking in the mirror and washing her hands but in my urgency, I thought little of her as I closed the door, lifted my dress, pulled down my drawers and sat down with a sigh of relief.

It was strange, sitting there holding my tiny penis and letting myself go. It was so odd that I had never been able to use a urinal very successfully. I made too much mess when I attempted to use one. It was embarrassing that the urine tended to go everywhere other than in the place it should and, to my shame, I had occasionally soiled my clothes! I never spoke to Father about the need to use a water closet rather than a urinal, because I was embarrassed about it. I wondered if any other boy had the same problem.

Soon I had finished and adjusted my clothing before letting myself out, washing my hands and leaving the now-empty bathroom.

Passing a few people, I found my way back to my cabin and quickly let myself in. Time was getting on and I would need to get myself ready to go to lunch. I would use the dining room on E-Deck this time. I dreaded the thought of meeting that severe lady who claimed my table last time. The dining room was evidently smaller than the one I went to the previous day and I hoped that there would be no trouble with my using it. I had to eat and so I had little choice in the matter. I would just have to take my chances.

I finished dressing as quickly as I could, pulling on my drawers and stockings and then still reasonably white pinafore. I brushed my hair and then put a blue ribbon in it. I was finding it easier to dress as a girl and was now, strangely, no longer concerned about the fact that I was dressed so femininely, with no outward sign that I was anything other than a girl. I brushed my hair and was so pleased that it was long enough to pass for a girl's hair.

I was soon ready to leave the safety of my cabin. I paused for a moment and looked at myself in the mirror one final time to make sure that I was not improperly dressed, then, picking up my small reticule pouch, I opened the cabin door and walked out, locking the door behind me and placing the key in my pouch.

I determinedly made my way down the corridor towards the stairs trying to look as if I belonged there. I would have to go down to E-Deck, where the Second Class dining room was located. At the end of the corridor, by the stairs, was an officer, in a pristine uniform, earnestly talking to an elderly lady dressed rather severely in black. Thankfully, they paid me little attention.

I held my breath as I went by them and then ascended the stairs. In front of me were a couple of adults and two small children. The children were happy and seemed quite excited, the little boy was beside himself as he talked to his father whilst being held firmly by the hand. The girl was a little older and dressed similarly to me as she walked next to her mother.

As I looked at that happy family, I must admit to feeling a little jealous. They seemed so happy and excited. I wondered what my life would be like if my family had been that fortunate. I also wondered if the family were on holiday or if they were moving to America to make new lives for themselves.

That was what I wanted to do. Make a new life for myself. Time would tell if my dream would become a reality.

I reached E-Deck and followed the family as it looked like they were going to the same place as me, the dining room.

Others were heading the same way as us and it looked like people were as hungry as I was.

It was just a few minutes to one o’clock and the doors were still closed. People were milling about and as I walked up to them, the doors opened and there was a general movement going into the dining room.

This was where I thought that it might get a bit difficult for me. Going inside, I saw that there was no chart about who should sit where; unlike the more formal dining room that I had used the previous day.

Although the dining room was smaller than the other one, it was still, in my opinion, very large with a luxurious and elegant décor. There were wood panelling, paintings and decorative mouldings on the walls, fine linen on the tables and gleaming silver cutlery. Similar to yesterday's dining room, I felt more than slightly intimidated by the finery in that room but had to appear as if this was all normal to me.

Most of the tables were circular to enable a lot of passengers to sit around them.

I did not want to sit at a big table like that so I made my way to one of the smaller, square tables by the wall and sat down. The table would seat just two people and that suited me to perfection.

The room began to fill and soon waiters and waitresses were taking orders. After the initial influx of passengers, things quietened down a bit and many tables were still unoccupied.

I looked at the menu and saw that the menu was similar to the one I saw the previous day.

After a few moments, a waiter came up to me.

‘Hello Miss. Are you waiting for your parents?’

I thought that a rather silly comment as I was sitting at a table for two, but did not say so.

‘Erm no, Mama is ill, seasick I think, and Papa is staying with her. He told me to come and have lunch and he would get something later when Mama was a little better.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that Miss. Have you had a chance to choose what you would like to have?

‘Could I just have roast beef please?’

‘Of course Miss; and something to drink?’

‘Orange squash please?’

He smiled at me.

‘Of course. It should not be too long.’

He nodded pleasantly and then left me alone.

It gave me a chance to look around at the others in the dining room. I suppose that the dining room was, by now, about half full. There were many families with some older couples and several single people dotted about. They were all dressed nicely and I could see that most people had made an effort to look their best. I was pleased that I seemed to fit in as, in my opinion, I did look nice in my dress, with the ribbons in my hair.

Once again, I was struck by the fact that I felt perfectly at peace with the way I was dressed. The thought of wearing boys’ clothes again felt a little strange. What was happening to me? I had no idea. I had been brought up as a boy and I should be happy with that, but now I questioned whether I had perhaps been born in the wrong body and I should have been a girl after all.

Preposterous! Boys were boys and girls were girls. I had been taught that at an early age.

And yet…

My confused thoughts were interrupted by a waitress coming up with my meal and drink.

‘There you are Miss, enjoy your meal.’

‘Thank you.’ I replied, smiling.

‘You are welcome Miss,’ replied the girl as she went off to serve another guest.

I picked up the pristine white serviette and placed it on my lap as I did not want to get anything on my lovely clothes. I then sipped at my drink and settled down to eat my delicious-looking meal of roast beef, Yorkshire pudding and various vegetables including my favourite, roast potatoes.

Others were doing the same and there was a pleasant hum of conversation around the room.

I finished my meal, which was very enjoyable and then another waitress came over and removed my plate.

‘Thank you, that was very nice,’

'I’m glad you enjoyed it Miss, would you like dessert?’

‘Yes please, Do you have plum pudding?’

‘Of course. Would you like another drink?’

‘Yes please, can I have another orange squash?’

‘Yes, would you like ice in it?’

‘No thank you.’

‘I won’t be long.’

With that, she went away.

At a round table across the way, there was a family of six people sitting there. They were busy chatting and eating, although the little boy was having something of a tantrum and was crying his lungs out. It appeared that he did not want to eat his meal and was letting everyone in the vicinity know about it.

I smiled as Mother soothed the child down and relative peace was restored after a few moments.

Soon, the waitress arrived back at my table.

‘There you are Miss, I hope that you enjoy your pudding.’

‘It looks very nice,’ I replied, ‘thank you.’

I concentrated on the plum pudding, it was nice and hot and there was lots of it. The custard was thick and yellow, just the way I liked it. I was beginning to get full up and was wondering if I would actually be able to finish the pudding when…

Somebody sat down opposite me.

‘Arthur?’

I looked up.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It could not be possible.

Sally!

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