Where was home?

I suppose I now thought that Seashell Cottage was my home. Although, effectively, I had two homes, Rainbow Cottage, left to me by my wonderful granny and Seashell Cottage, where I was staying with the people I considered to be my new, true family which, of course, included my lovely girlfriend Hannah.

I spent most of my time at Seashell Cottage. Mind you, it was nice to have a sort of a bolt-hole, in case I needed one and it was only next door!

A few days later, I found myself back at the hospital to have my stitches out. I was wearing a pale pink summer dress as it was easy to get on and off at the hospital and it was another baking hot day with no possibility of rain, if you believed what the man on the weather forecast said.

We only waited a few minutes in a nearly empty reception area before we were called into the examination room. A cheerful nurse called Connie did the dirty deed which I thought would hurt, but luckily didn’t, especially after I was told to relax. To be honest, I was a bit squeamish about the whole thing and me wanting to be a doctor too!

I sighed with relief when it was over and was pleased that I could now wear nicer panties without the nappy-like pad. Of course, I had brought a nice soft pair of panties with me and changed into them.

I was grateful that Auntie came with me, which was nice as I wanted her to be around for later that day.

We went into Penzance town centre and had a look around, for once not in the shopping sense. I enjoy shopping as a girl, but I didn’t need to buy anything at that moment and anyway, Hannah would have had a strop if we bought anything without her.

After going into a coffee shop, where I had a hot chocolate whilst Auntie had a latte, we then had a look around the pretty Morrab Gardens and then walked to the busy harbour. There was a ship moored alongside the quay at the far end that was going to the Scilly Isles. I fancied that and wondered if the girls and I could go on a trip there, if they were up for it, during the holidays. The islands are supposed to be very pretty.

Another reason for being in Penzance was that I was going to see a doctor for a gender assessment; something I needed to move things forward. Doctor Marshal was a clinical psychiatrist specialising in gender matters and held a clinic at the hospital one day every two weeks. She was mainly based in Exeter and I had been lucky enough to get a private appointment on the same day that I had my stitches removed, a day late to coincide with her clinic.

I did wonder how long I would have waited to see a specialist if I hadn’t gone private and felt very lucky that I wasn’t in that position.

We had a quick snack lunch at The Yacht Inn and then we made our way back to the hospital for my appointment at 2 pm.

We sat in the reception for a few minutes with me feeling a bit nervous and Auntie reading an old magazine. There were a few other people in reception and wondered what they were there for. I was the youngest there, I would say that the other people didn’t look like they had the same issues as me but what do I know?

A lady in a smart business suit came in through a side door and came straight over to us.

‘Emma and Mrs Anthony?’ she asked us.

‘Yes,’ I replied as Auntie and I stood up.

She shook both our hands.

‘Hi, I’m Doctor Marshall, would you like to come this way?’

We followed her through the door and along a short corridor and into a room that didn’t look very medical. In fact, it was a cheerful room with several comfortable chairs, a few sofas and nice flowery paintings on the walls.

‘Let’s sit down, shall we? Oh first, would you like a drink? We have hot and cold drinks.’

I had cola, Auntie an orange juice and the doctor, mineral water.

Soon we settled down.

Doctor Marshall looked at a file of papers and then put them down beside her.

‘Right Emma, I think that I’m up to date regarding your medical situation. First, I have to ask if you are okay with your aunt being here as some of the things we are going to talk about are a bit sensitive.’

‘I can go if you like,’ said Auntie beginning to get up.

‘No Auntie, please stay, if that’s all right with you doctor.’

‘Of course it is. I have to ask,’ she said looking apologetically at Auntie.

Auntie smiled and nodded and settled back in her seat.

‘Right Emma, Firstly, I understand that you were attacked by two boys. I have the details but can you tell me what happened? By the way, I’m recording this as I will need to look back on this meeting when writing up my notes. Is that all right with you?’

‘Yes, that’s fine,’ I replied.

I told her about the attack. I won’t go over again what I said but, as usual, I was a bit tearful at recalling that terrible time. I made good use of the box of tissues provided.

After I pulled myself together, the doctor turned to my gender issues and we talked at length about my past, present and possible future.

At length, she finished the questioning which, although it was somewhat intense in nature, wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be.

She finished writing down a few notes and then turned back to me.

‘Okay, I think that I have everything I need but one final question, how do you feel about your family?’

‘My old one or my new one?’

She smiled.

‘I think I can tell how you feel about what you call your new family. I meant your old one.’

I looked at Auntie and she smiled encouragingly.

‘I hate them. They put me through hell. I don’t swear, well not much anyway, but I could use a few choice ones about them. They never showed me any love or affection. In my opinion, my brother and sister were the favourites and I was just what they considered to be a spare, unwanted child, neither needed nor wanted. I was never beaten, thank God, but you don’t need to be hit to feel pain. When I was smaller, my sister had a book that I borrowed from her room without her knowing and I read it by torchlight under my bed covers. It was Cinderella, you know, the one where Cinders was abused by her mother and sisters? I related to Cinders and I loved the happy ending. I just wanted to have a happy ending too, but that wasn’t possible with my old family.’

I told her a few more things that I have already mentioned in this memoir, so I won’t go over old ground, but she could see the reasons why I wanted nothing to do with my old life.

After I had finished, I felt mentally exhausted but it was nice to get a few things off my chest.

‘Well Emma, I can see that you have several issues and it’s plain to me that you are ready to move on to a new life as a girl. Your medical issues are interesting, to say the least, and the diagnosis regarding your PAIS confirms a few things. You present as a very pretty girl and I can see from what you have said and your medical history that you should be considered as a girl rather than a boy.

‘However, we need to have several meetings as I am not happy about the nightmares and other issues that you have and we need to work through that. Being only sixteen, there are certain things that you cannot do, like having all the surgery that you want or being able to get a gender recognition certificate. The reason for this is that the law thinks that you may not be adult enough to make such a decision. I can see from your grimace that you don’t agree with that, but that is the way it is and we have to follow the rules.’

‘I know, but I’ve lived a lie for so long, I just want to be a normal girl and be recognised as one.’

‘We’ll do everything we can to help you with that. Anyway, ring my secretary tomorrow to make another appointment in two weeks’ time.’

We all stood up and we said our goodbyes.

We made our way to Auntie’s car. I was a bit quiet and Auntie noticed.

‘So,’ she said after we got into the car, ‘how do you think it went?’

‘Okay, I suppose, but I just wish I was eighteen and then I can get things done.’

I was back in my downer mode. A little while ago, I was almost as high as a kite. I hated these mood swings.

‘Don’t wish your life away Emma. You have only just started living as a girl, in public anyway. I know that you consider yourself to be a girl, but you haven’t had a lifetime of living as one. You have been leading a dual life, boy-girl wise all your life. In your head, you have always been a girl, but you have had to live your life as a boy and hide your feminine feelings. Now you are getting your head around the reality of the situation and you need to slow down and learn the ropes of living as a girl. That takes time, but you have that now and you should just enjoy the ride.’

As she spoke her words, I gradually calmed down.

‘Sorry Auntie, speaking with the doctor brought back some memories I wanted to forget. I just want to move on and forget a lot of my past.’

‘I know honey. Give it time. You’ve been through a lot in a short space of time. let’s go home.’

And that is what we did. When we reached home, I went up to the room that I now called my study and for lack of anything better to do, I did do some studying but it was hard to concentrate what with everything that happened that day.

Eventually, I got stuck in and temporarily forgot my problems as I delved deeper into my studies.

Nothing much happened for the next few days and I was kind of pleased about that as I just wanted to get back to what was normal, or as normal as I could be anyway. The only thing that was worrying me was those boys that harmed me were about to appear in youth court but I didn’t know what day.

One afternoon, I was out in the garden throwing a ball for Nutty Charlie, who, unlike normal dogs, didn’t grasp the concept that when you throw him a ball, the idea is for him to fetch it and bring it back.

He ran for the ball, picked it up, turned around and with his tail going like a windmill, he looked at me to find out what he should do.

‘Come on Charlie, that’s a good boy, bring it back now!’

Instead of doing what he was told, he dropped the ball and went over to the bushes and did the sniffing thing and then a long and leisurely widdle.

I sighed.

He was hopeless.

‘Hi Emma; don’t bother with him, as a retriever, he is pretty useless.’

“Hi Uncle John.’

‘Hi yourself. Can I have a word?’

He wasn’t in uniform but in a suit. He was a detective and so didn’t always wear his uniform, although I thought that he looked kind of cool in it.

We went over and sat on a bench. I was wearing jeans now, as I no longer had pain issues down below and I fancied a change. Although it was still quite warm and I had been toying with the idea of changing into something cooler and anyway, I liked the freedom of skirts.

‘Emma, those boys that hurt you have been to youth court today. We didn’t tell you as we didn’t want to worry you and anyway, we expected it to only be a brief appearance to find out what their plea would be and also whether they would be held in youth custody.’

My heart sank, I had a feeling that there was something I wouldn’t want to hear.

‘Well, they appeared and they pleaded not guilty on the grounds that you led them on was taunting them, also, you slapped that character Fred on the face and he only reacted to your hitting him...’

‘What!’

‘Yes, I know, don’t shoot the messenger. Their explanation is stupid and the facts are with you. Why their legal people ever thought that they would get away with that defence is mind-boggling, but there it is. Because of their history, the severity of the charges and possible flight risk, they are still being held and won’t be released if and until the case comes to trial.’

‘Will I have to appear?’

He looked at me sadly and nodded.

‘Yes, almost certainly.’

This was a nightmare. I just wanted it to be over and not hanging over my head like this.

‘You aren’t alone in this; you have us all behind you. Hannah and your friends witnessed what happened and you have nothing to worry about. Scum like those two boys like to have their moment in court for some weird reason. However, I have seen this sort of thing before. If their solicitor is worth his or her salt, they will point out the facts of life to them. That is, if they don’t plead guilty in the eyes of the evidence, they could get a longer sentence.’

After a few more minutes of reassuring talk, Uncle left me to myself and I sat there going over and over what might happen.

I wasn’t left alone for long.

‘Hi Emma, I just heard, what a bummer.’

I looked up and there was Hannah, looking a bit concerned. I shrugged, not having much to say on the subject.

‘Never mind them, they’ll get like, what’s coming to them.

‘Probably.’ I replied flatly.

She looked at me sitting there and feeling sorry for myself.

‘Right, we need to take your mind off your problems. We are going into Penzance to get your hair sorted out. It’s the only thing that bothers me about you. All your life your hair has been in like, boy mode. You’ve done your best with what you’ve got but let's face it, you need urgent professional treatment.’

To be honest, my hair had been bothering me for a long time and I thought that doing something, anything would be preferable to sitting there, feeling sorry for myself.

‘Ok,’ I said, ‘Let’s do it.’

She smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

‘There’s a good girl!’

Once again, somehow Hannah persuaded Auntie Claire to give us a lift into town. Apart from mumbling something about being a taxi service, she agreed to do it, only because she intended to go shopping anyway.

We were dropped off close to the High Street. Hannah had already phoned up Hair Today… for an urgent appointment and luckily they had a spot for me.

Luckily? Hmm, I wasn’t too sure.

As a child, I was often dragged to the local hairdressers by my mum. She and Sister Dear regularly went there for haircuts and styling. My sister Anne loved going even though, with her, it was mainly just a cut and a blow-dry. Mum, liked to have her hair coloured even blonder than it was, almost peroxide blond Marylyn Monroe-type colour.

I just sat there and waited and waited, reading one of the few old comics there amongst the equally old fashion magazines.

I never liked the strong smells from the old ladies who continued to like having a perm. It was industrial-strength stuff that certainly cleared the sinuses!

Of course, me being a closet girl, I longed to have my hair cut like my sister. I tended to keep it as long as I could get away with it. Sometimes one of the girls in the salon actually cut it for me and I had to create a bit of a scene if she wanted to cut it too short. Mum, of course, couldn’t care less about me and didn’t cause too much fuss about it and just told the girl to tidy my hair up a bit.

Anyway, this would be the first time that I had ever gone into a salon dressed as a girl and I had a few collywobbles.

Would they “clock” me? Would I be laughed at and thrown out for pretending to be a girl?

Hannah near enough pushed me through the entrance of Hair Today… telling me not to be a silly moo.

It was different from my mum’s salon. It was more modern with loads of chrome, soft furnishings and subtle lighting. There was muted muzak playing in the background and there were no eyewatering smells of perm treatments or instruments of torture.

‘Hi Hann, nice to see you again,’ said the perky receptionist and then looking at me she said, ‘Emma?’

I nodded.

‘Would you both take a seat? Sharon won’t be long.’

We sat down and I looked at Hannah.

‘Is this where you normally come?’ I whispered.

‘Yes, they’re, like cool and do a good job.’

‘Are you having a cut?’

‘Nah, just my nails.’

‘What’s wrong with them?’

‘Nothing, just fancy a change. Need some gels.’

I looked at my nails and grimaced. I had put on some red polish but my nails were short and not in very good condition as I had a tendency, before embracing girlhood, of biting them. They had some length, but they were a bit uneven despite my best efforts and didn’t look very pretty to my jaundiced eye.

‘Will I have time to get my nails seen too?’

‘Spoken like the true girl you are. Yes, when I spoke to the salon, it was for you to have the works, including nails.’

I looked more closely at my nails and wondered if they were beyond repair.

‘They can work wonders here,’ said Hannah, ‘Don’t worry, they’ll sort you out.’

I hoped so.

A lady in a tabard came over.

‘Hi Hannah, Pippa won’t be a minute.’

She turned to me.

‘Emma?’

‘Yes, that’s me.’

‘Hi, I’m Sharon. Would you like to come this way?’

Hannah smiled encouragingly as I followed the woman. She was, I suppose, in her thirties, tall and thin with a lovely well made up face. I wished I could apply makeup like that. I was an amateur at best.

‘Right Emma,’ she said as we walked over to a chair, ‘I understand that this is your first time?’

‘Yes.’

‘Strict parents?’

I nodded, wondering what Hannah had told her.

She sighed.

‘You’re not the first and won’t be the last. Anyway, I’ll sort you out. Now, take a seat and I’ll have a look at what we have to work with.’

I sat down and before I knew I, my clothes were covered with a voluminous black cape, leaving only my neck and head free.

Looking at the mirror, I could see my reflection and the slight fear on my face.

Sharon started playing with my hair, pulling it this and that way with a slight frown on her face.

‘Who cut your hair last? Was it a sheep shearer?’

‘Erm…’

She laughed.

‘Only joking, mind you, the way it's been cut is a bit like a boy’s cut, weird that. Anyway, it’s a bit too short for my liking. How long would you like your hair?’

I hadn’t really thought about it much lately, but I had always yearned to have really long hair down to my shoulders, a bit like Hannah, I suppose. But I knew that it would take years to grow out.

‘Much longer, down to my shoulders, but that’s got to wait for years probably.’

‘Thought about hair extensions?’

‘No, not really. I’ve heard of it, obviously, but I don’t know much about it and anyway, my hair is quite short and I don’t fancy clips.’

‘Your hair is long enough, don’t worry. Clips are one way of doing it, but there are other ways like beaded weaves which are great and would work well with your hair. The weave is natural and invisible. You can have your hair down to your shoulders. Hair extension wefts are sewn onto a track made using tiny silicone beads rather than a cornrow or braid. Some rows or tracks are then added to your own hair, resulting in a seamless and undetectable look. You can even wear your hair extensions up in a ponytail without them being visible.’

It all sounded like gobbledegook to me and I just nodded as if I knew what she was talking about.

‘What we would do is change your hair colour slightly to match the extensions and then there would be no way of telling your original hair from the extensions. Let me show you some photos of the work we’ve done.’

She went to a drawer and pulled out some glossy photos showing before and after the procedure if you want to call it that.

‘Wow,’ I said as I looked through the photos.

The extensions looked wonderful on those women and I could see that the women who had had them, loved the results.

Being a bit practical I had to ask.

‘Erm, how much will it cost?’

She told me a figure. It was a bit mind-blowing, but I could afford it…just.

‘Oh, and we’ll throw in a free nail treatment too. if it’s all a bit much to pay for now, we have a monthly payment plan; but we would need your parents’ permission as you are under 18 I think. Look, have a think about it while I get you a drink. There’s no pressure and I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t happy with. What would you like to drink?

‘Can I have a Coke?’

‘Coming up.’

She left me to it as I looked through the photos again. I then looked at my hair in the mirror. I had done the best I could but let's face it, it wasn’t that wonderful. I dug out my phone and gave Hannah a call. It went straight to voicemail, which was weird as she was literally just a few yards away. Mind you if she was having her nails done she couldn’t answer the phone, could she? I then had a brainwave and rang Megan who answered immediately.

‘Hi Emma, what’s up?’

I told her what was up and asked for her opinion.

‘Can you afford it?’

‘Yes, just.’

‘When I started this transitioning business, my hair was even shorter than yours. In boy mode, my parents insisted that I had very short hair and it took a very long time for me to grow it out. I even wore a wig for a while but hated it as it got hot and itchy after a while, even though it made me look more girlie. If you can afford it and you are happy with the stylist, go for it. Where are you?’

‘Hair Today...’

‘They’re good. Who’s the stylist?’

‘Sharon.’

‘I like her; she’s helped me out lots. look, it’s up to you, but if it was me in your position and you like what you are being told. I would go for it.’

‘Thanks Megan, you’re a star!’

She laughed.

‘See you later down at the quay?’

‘Sounds good, Bye.’

I put my phone away as Sharon came back with my drink which even had ice in it!

‘Thanks,’ I said as I took a sip of the cold drink.

‘What do you think?’ she asked, ‘no pressure. There are ways that I can help you with what you have, if you don’t want to go down the extension route. It was just an idea and I get carried away sometimes.’

‘Can we go ahead.’ I said after a moment.

‘Do you want to use the payment plan?’

Ask my parents. That would be a laugh, I thought.

‘No, I’ll pay for it upfront. Oh, can you tell Hannah that I might be a while but don’t tell her what I’m having done.’

‘Okay.

She went off and left me and I wondered if what I was doing was the right decision to make. Only time would tell.

Two and a half hours later, it was finished.

I could tell why it cost so much to have those hair extensions. It was very fiddly and time-consuming. My hair was a slightly lighter and cleaner-looking blond than before and I could not tell my original hair from the extensions. My hair was now long and over my shoulders and dead straight. I have always loved that style of hair ever since I saw an advert for shampoo when the girl shook her head and her hair fell in cascades around her shoulders. There was another advert for Cadbury’s Flake chocolate when the girl in that did the same. I was so jealous, I nearly turned green!

My hair was parted in the middle but with a fringe, what our American friends call bangs for some reason, and shaped at the sides so that my face was sort of framed. Difficult to describe, but I loved it.

I looked at my nails that had been miraculously transformed into things of beauty using gel extensions. They were bright pink like my lipstick and were longer than before. Not too long as I hate the talon look. They were just long enough to be practical as well as pretty.

Sharon had even taken the time to redo my makeup and I couldn’t believe the results. As she did my makeup she gave me a few hints and tricks and I stored them in my memory banks for future reference.

‘Thank you so much,’ I said to a beaming Sharon as I pulled off my cape and stood up.

I took one more look in the mirror and marvelled at how different I looked and I couldn’t help it and just turned and hugged her.

‘That’s alright Emma, it’s been a pleasure. You look as pretty as a picture! You can come back any time but I would like to see you next week just to check that everything is going okay. No charge for that.’

‘Thanks again Sharon.’

‘No problem, I can’t believe how well it’s turned out. Long hair really suits you!’

I left Sharon cleaning her station and walked out into the main area, marvelling at how heavy my hair felt and swishing against my back in a delightful way compared to before. Over by the reception, Hannah was sitting there, looking bored reading a magazine. I noticed that her nails were bright red and fresh looking. Glancing at my nails, I saw that mine were pretty too and would give her a run for her money! I had to brush the hair away from my face as I looked down, a new, novel and very nice experience.

I walked over and said, ‘Hi.’

She looked up and did one of those double-take things. Her mouth opened with surprise.

‘Close your mouth before you catch flies!’

I giggled as her mouth closed swiftly.

She stood up and looking at me, said, ‘Oh wow, who is this glamorous woman standing in front of me?’

I had another giggle fit.

‘You like?’ I asked.

‘I could eat you,’

‘Yuk, you’ll spoil your appetite.’

‘Fancy a pizza?’

‘Always thinking of your stomach.’

‘It’s the only one I’ve got and I have been waiting here for six hours.’

‘Liar I’ve only been erm, two and a bit.’

‘Erm, how come your hair is long like that? Quick acting fertiliser?’

‘Extensions.’

‘Colours nice too. If I wasn’t a wonderful well rounded girl. I would be jealous.’

‘Well, you are well rounded in specific nice places.’

‘That sounds like dirty talk.’

‘Me?’

‘You aren’t so angelic as you look young Emma.’

‘You’re only a few weeks older than me, old lady.’

‘Bloody cheek!’

With thanks to the lady in reception, we left to find a pizza restaurant. Hannah knew a few and I soon found myself sitting opposite her in a booth in a pizza restaurant that was busy but not so busy that we could hear ourselves talk.

She looked at me.

‘I can’t get over it.’

‘What?’

‘How beautiful you are.’

‘Wasn’t I beautiful before?’ I asked innocently.

‘Erm, like, yes but you look wonderful.’

‘So I wasn’t wonderful before?’

‘Don’t play with my head Emma. You tie me in knots sometimes!’

I reached across and put my hand over hers.

‘Only playing Hannah.’

‘I know. I was going for the sympathy vote!’

We both giggled. I loved the way we were both on the same wavelength. It was uncanny sometimes.

The waiter came over and ogled us. I think that he had the hots for one or both of us and couldn’t keep his eyes off our breasts. Typical boy mode.

We ordered our pizzas but had to repeat the order twice as he was finding it difficult to concentrate.

He walked off stiffly once he finally got things right.

‘Why’s he walking like that?’ I asked innocently.

‘Young flower blossom, you have a lot to learn!’

We both giggled. It was that kind of day!

To be continued...

Please leave comments and let me know if you want this to continue. Oh, and if you can, please do the kudo-thingie... thanks! ~Sue