How long Amanda stared wide-eyed at Sierra she didn’t quite know. Time seemed to stop once she caught sight of her. At first she wasn’t even sure if the person she was looking at was “Devin”, but further inspection proved it couldn’t be anyone else. The brown-blonde hair, the bright blue eyes, the posture, even the constant fiddling with her fingers, it was her alright, but that just left one question…

“God Devin, what did you do to yourself?”

“Well, it’s kind of a long story.” Sierra said to her. “But basically, my name isn’t Devin anymore. I’m Sierra now.”

“I can see that.” Amanda said matter-of-factly. “I like the name choice, but… why? I don’t understand.”

“Deep breaths”, Sierra thought to herself. She could do this, she had already done it the day before with Emma, she just had to do it again.

“I hated being Devin.” She said. “I’m not Devin, I don’t think I ever really was. It hurt to be Devin.”

Amanda wasn’t following her.

Sierra chose a different angle. “Would you like to be a man? Would you want to have a man’s body?”

“No.” Amanda’s response was quick and certain.

“Why not?”

“Because it’d be gross and weird.”

“That’s what I thought about my body all the time. I hated it, so I changed it. Pills I bought on the internet, if you’re curious.”

Amanda looked taken aback. “YOU bought them? Not your parents? Do they even know?”

“No, they don’t.” Sierra answered. “At least, I think they don’t.”

“How can you keep something like this from them? That can not be healthy. You NEED to tell them.”

“I’m working on it.”

“I hope so.” Amanda exhaled audibly. “Well, this is all a bit weird, but I guess I get it. I mean, you always were kind of girly anyway. You used to blush and giggle every time Elise kissed you, it was very unmanly.”

“Okay I never giggled.” Sierra shot back. “I only smiled.”

“Oh no, you definitely giggled.” Elise said.

“And the way you held your binder was pretty girly too.” Amanda pointed out. “Your fingernails were also very long and nice-looking for a guy, I swear you polished them. I remember a few people thinking you were gay.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Sierra said. “If I was gay, why would I be dating Elise? I don’t think they know what ‘gay’ means.”

“I think ‘gay’ just meant ‘feminine man’ to them.” Elise said. “You know how some people use ‘gay’, they’re not always talking about sexuality.”

“Probably.” Amanda agreed. “But I really have to ask, are you gay? Did you ever really like Elise or was that just an act?”

“Amanda!” Elise yelled.

“What? It’s just a question.”

“No, I agree with her. That wasn’t ‘just a question’.” Sierra said. “I love Elise, I really do. I don’t like you questioning my feelings.”

“Okay, sorry. I won’t ask again.”

“Thank you.” Elise said.

Amanda stared at Elise for a bit, then turned back toward Sierra. “So, you two are really still dating?”

“Yes.” Elise walked over to Sierra and planted a kiss to her cheek to get the message plainly across.

“Okay… so, does that make you two lesbians?”

“I guess…” Elise answered. “I’m probably bi.”

“I take it you figured things out since you texted me about liking girls, then.”

“Oh, I forgot about that, actually. Yeah, we figured things out. We’re making this work.”

“Good, I still get to be the awkward third wheel.”

Elise laughed. “We’ll try not to make it TOO awkward.”

“But you still have to sit in the backseat.” Sierra told her with a grin.

Amanda had a goodhearted laugh as she opened the backdoor of Elise’s car.

***

“I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around this. What made you want to be a girl?” Amanda asked from the backseat, as the trees passed by the window.

Sierra groaned. This car ride should’ve been relaxing. It should’ve been a huge relief of tension after what she just did. But once Elise started driving, Amanda just kept asking question after question. Sierra had lost track of how long she had been doing it for, and she was beyond annoyed.

Sierra almost answered Amanda’s question with ‘that mini arc in Wizards of Waverly Place where Max gets turned into a little girl’, but instead forced herself to exhibit some self control. She didn’t like having to respond to all these questions, but she still tried her best to ignore the discomfort and give serious answers.

“Nothing, I was always kind of like this. It just felt right for me.” She replied. “Whenever I imagined an ideal version of myself, I was always a girl.” She added on. “Plus what I said earlier, I hated having a man’s body.”

“Oh right.” Amanda said, a bit embarrassed she may have asked a question she was already told the answer to. “I was just wondering if anything made you not like being a guy.”

“Well, no. Not really.”

“Okay then… don’t you think it’s a little weird for you to look like a girl and sound like a guy?”

Sierra closed her eyes and willed herself to keep in her anger. Amanda just HAD to ask that hadn’t she? Couldn’t she already tell Sierra hated her disgustingly masculine voice? This had to be the worst question she asked so far, no doubt.

Sierra had always hated her voice, but she never realized just how much she utterly despised it until she started taking female hormones and her mind cleared a bit. It was like the world was playing some kind of cruel prank on her. Out of all the guys in her graduating class, her voice was one of the first to drop significantly. Even at the age of twelve her voice was already very deep and if she transitioned back then she still would’ve needed to do a lot of voice training. Flash forward to the present day, and her voice continued to be one of the deepest of all the guys in her class.

Why did that have to happen to her? There were plenty of guys back in middle school who complained that they still had high squeaky voices, meanwhile she was already sounding like a seventeen year old at twelve. Hopefully whatever force was in charge of puberty got all the sick satisfaction it wanted from doing this. Someone up there had to be laughing their ass off.

Reaching a red light, Elise took the opportunity to glance toward Sierra and immediately noticed her discomfort and frustration. Internally she felt a bit awful that she hadn’t intervened yet. Especially after that last question Amanda had asked. She seriously crossed the line there.

“Amanda.” Elise said. “You should lay it off with the questions. They aren’t helping.”

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked. “I was just curious.”

“Do you like it when your parents drill you with questions?”

“No… but I wasn’t trying to-”

“Doesn’t matter. Just lay it off.”

Amanda was silent for a few seconds before she replied. “Alright I’m sorry.”

Sierra let out a sigh of relief. “Finally”, she thought.

“It’s just that…” Amanda started again.

“God dammit.” Sierra said aloud before she could stop herself.

Amanda turned quickly toward Sierra with a look of bewilderment.

“Sorry…” Sierra said, crossing her arms. “I just got… sorry.”

The stoplight turned green as Amanda formulated a response.

“Look.” She said. “I’m sorry I came off a little pushy, okay? But this whole thing about you being transgender is just hard to understand. I mean, look at yourself! You got makeup on, you’re wearing Elise’s clothes, you’re calling yourself a new name, and you haven’t told your parents. This is such a huge thing to do to yourself, they need to know about this.”

“I did what I had to.” Sierra responded. “I can deal with this by myself. I’ll tell them eventually. Soon, I’m sure of it.”

“Devin, we’re not talking about getting your hair dyed or getting a tattoo, we’re talking about an entire body and lifestyle change. I hate being an uptight rules follower, but this is a time when you can’t keep something like that from your parents. You just can’t.” Amanda argued. “And I’m sorry I called you ‘Devin’.”

“You think I haven’t thought about all this before? I know it’s bad to keep this from them.” Sierra said. “Just give me some more time. I’m not ready yet.”

“Amanda, you realize she’s going to have to take some time to find out how to explain this, right? People can get kicked out of their house for things like this.” Elise pointed out. “She has every reason to be hesitant.”

“Yeah, you can say that, but he’s only- she’s only told two other people about this after doing all this by herself for months! She didn’t even tell you!”

“Umm… actually I’ve told three people.” Sierra said back.

“What?”

“Emma, I told her yesterday.”

“How did she take it?”

“Well, she…” Sierra paused. “Let’s just say she wasn’t very accepting… at all.”

“Makes sense, but that’s like what? Three people in how many months? Yeah, not healthy. I want to be supportive, but this looks really bad.”

Elise spoke up again. “Please try to understand. I was pretty mad about this too. I didn’t like worrying that something was wrong with her for so long and then learning what was going on through an accident.” Elise shot an annoyed glance toward Sierra. “But what’s done is done. We’ve made up. And her telling her parents is something she needs some time on. Hounding her about it is not helping.”

Amanda was about to say something back, but she just couldn’t find the response she was looking for. She could say the fact that Elise learned about Sierra through an accident makes her situation even worse, but she couldn’t find a reason why she needed to say that. Like Elise said, it was done now, in the past, why bring it back?

Amanda turned back to Sierra, and she felt shame twist her insides. She really was being awful, wasn’t she? Sierra went out of her way to tell her something so deep and personal, and this is how she responded. With invasive question after invasive question and then a series of harsh reprimands. What kind of asshole does something like that? How much effort did it take for Sierra to tell this to her? Especially after seeing Emma not accept her? Sierra trusted her, and she repaid her by doing this.

She was about to apologize, but Sierra beat her to it.

“I’m sorry Amanda.” She said. “For this whole… useless fight. It shouldn’t have happened.”

“No, I’m sorry. I was being an ass. You didn’t deserve that.”

Sierra turned around to face Amanda.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did, okay? It was bad. I’m sorry.”

Sierra stared at Amanda for a bit.

“Thanks.” She eventually said.

“No problem. So we’re good then, right? All of us?”

“Of course.” Sierra said.

“I didn’t really like all the yelling in here but yeah we’re good.” Elise said.

“Sorry about that.” Amanda said to her.

“It’s okay. I should be used to your yelling at this point. Couldn’t be friends otherwise.”

Amanda snickered. “Just like Sierra couldn’t be your girlfriend if you weren’t used to her long talks about whatever she’s thinking.”

Sierra went red. “Did you have to bring that up?”

“All in good fun.” Amanda replied. “You know, looking at you, I think you could really be ‘one of the girls’.”

“Really?” Sierra said a bit too enthusiastically. “I mean… that’d be pretty nice.”

Elise laughed. “You are so adorable sometimes.”

Sierra’s blush deepend. Being called “cute” and “pretty” had just felt so good for her lately. It had always felt good, but now that she wasn’t trying to hide it or fight herself, she could, for once, truly appreciate the feeling it brought. Is this what girls usually felt when they were given complements like that? Maybe not all the time, it probably got old eventually. But it always had to be there, at least in part. Was this what Elise felt when Sierra called her pretty? No wonder she liked it so much.

“Well, so are you.” Sierra said back.

Seeing Elise smile as she looked onto the road ahead confirmed the answer to Sierra’s age old question she constantly asked herself. Of course girls liked being pretty. It was ridiculous she ever thought otherwise.

She had a lot to learn.