Shame and Desire Chapter 50

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The girls were so lucky their parents forced them to bring sunscreen.

The sun was absolutely brutal. Anyone who dared to step outside was sure to be burnt to a crisp within minutes. The heat was like a constant pressure on every part of their bodies

Essentially, it was the perfect day to go out to an amusement park.

Hershey Park, even just past the entrance, was full and bustling with life. Everywhere one looked, everywhere one heard, people were having pure, unadulterated fun.

To live so close to such a huge amusement park would’ve been any kid’s dream.

Except Sierra’s.

Rollercoasters had always been a problem for her. Even as old as she was now, they were still a problem. There wasn’t any clear source for this fear, it seemed she was simply born with it.

As such, she rarely ever went to Hershey Park.

Things like this were probably why her father thought she was a wimp.

Sometimes she felt sorry for Ryan. He really deserved someone more adventurous to hang out with. There were a handful of memories she was ashamed to look back on .

***

Devin had just gotten off the phone with some seller likely trying to scam him. Since his parents weren’t home, he had to answer it himself. The seller had actually confused him for his father, and seemed to be in extreme disbelief when he told him he was twelve. Damn voice change.

He saw he got a call from his newly acquired cell phone. It was Ryan. He answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Devin, me and Steven were going to go to Hershey tomorrow. Do you want to come with us?”

“Umm…” There was a silence on the line for a while.

“Well are you coming or not? It’s not a hard question.”

Devin hesitated. “Just give me some time okay?” He eventually said. “I need to ask my parents if they’re okay with it first.”

“Okay, just text them and get back to me, alright?”

“Okay… uh, bye.”

“Bye.”

Devin was about to hang up when Ryan suddenly spoke again.

“I don’t think it’s good to keep running from your fear like this.”

“I’m not afraid.” Devin shot back as anger surged through him.

“Come on, admit it. You are.” Ryan said. “It’s okay to be scared but it’s bad to lie and run away.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Then come with us.”

Hearing Ryan say that nearly set Devin’s temper off, but he was able to control himself. What he wasn’t able to do however, was find something suitable to say back.

“Good bye.” He said bitterly then hung up.

***

Sierra cringed at the memory. She could be such an asshole back then. Even if she was so young it always seemed like she was needlessly rude to her friends. Really, it was a wonder people generally liked her these days. She wasn’t still like that was she?

No, definitely not. She had grown and matured.

At the very least, since then she had admitted to her fear of rollercoasters. That had to be a step in the right direction. Surely she was making some progress.

Now, if only people took her fear of dogs seriously too, and not as a joke. That would be nice.

***

“And you two really practice in this?” Sierra asked. “In this scorching heat?”

“Every sports team does.” Amanda answered. “It’s part of being in a sport, running your ass off in shit like this.”

“And also on your period.” Elise added. “I say that makes us pretty tough.”

“Damn right. Field hockey is a tough sport, it needs tough players.” Amanda said.

“I can see.” Sierra replied. “I don’t know, it just seems so insane to me.”

“You know, you should really try out for a sport.” Amanda told her. “You could really use it.”

Sierra turned to look flatly at her as Elise facepalmed.

“Do I even need to say why that’s such a terrible idea?”

“What are you talking about?”

“My god, Amanda.” Elise muttered.

“Come on, it’s not hard to see.” Sierra said to her.

“I don’t understand what… Oh!” Amanda nearly exclaimed as it suddenly came to her mind. “Yeah, that… would be a really bad idea.”

“I mean, I’d like to join a sport, but my god, if I were to do so it’d cause such a shitstorm that it’s not even close to worth it. There’s no chance I’d even win anything because I’m such a shit athlete, but people would be mad anyway. It’s just not happening. This isn’t a movie. I’m not Stephanie.”

“Who’s Stephanie?” Amanda asked. “I don’t know anyone named Stephanie.”

“Slip of the tongue.” Sierra explained. “I’ve been online too much, read too much TG fiction.”

“I have no idea what you’re saying right now.”

Sierra and Elise chuckled to themselves while Amanda was left confused.

***

Amanda and Elise continued to talk as the three walked around the park, but Sierra left herself out of the conversation at some point, choosing instead to focus on the scenery around her.

There wasn’t much to see that she hadn’t seen before. She had been to Hershey Park already, even if she wasn’t close to a regular visitor, and she had seen most of what the park had to offer. It was big, but it wasn’t so big that it couldn't be mostly covered in a day.

At least holding hands with Elise in public like this was no longer intimidating. Sierra wasn’t sure how Elise felt about being visibly lesbian, but she had gotten over her qualms with it pretty quickly. Maybe a few people stared awkwardly, but no one was going up to them and shouting obscenities. That was one of the worst case scenarios and it was thankfully being avoided.

Talking in public was still an uncomfortable experience for her though. She could do it, but she certainly didn’t like it. Talking in public only allowed people to hear her undoubtedly male, untrained voice and immediately see who and what she is. Once again she bemoaned the fact that estrogen did not make one’s voice change. Why did it have to be like that? Why did she have to put in hours and hours of work to sound like a woman? Life just wasn’t fair.

As Sierra continued walking, she noticed something about her surroundings that she wasn’t expecting. Or more accurately, wasn’t fully prepared for. It had nothing to do with the park itself, no, there were a number of heads that were turned toward her, or rather her entire group. And eventually, she came to realize most of those heads were from men catching quick glances of them as they walked past. Always quickly averting their gaze when she looked back.

Elise and Amanda didn’t seem to notice this, or at least that’s what Sierra would’ve thought if she was stupid. They definitely noticed, there was no way they didn’t. It was just, at this point in their lives, they were probably used to this sort of thing.

Sierra wasn’t used to it though. It didn’t make her uncomfortable, but it did make her feel a bit weird. She didn’t even really hate the men who were doing the looking. After all, she assumed that, as Devin, she did a lot of that too, so it’d probably be hypocritical of her to be mad at them. But it did make one thing abundantly clear. Going out in public as a woman meant a lot of attention being drawn toward oneself, and there wasn’t any way to avoid that.

And these were just glances. That wasn’t getting into the actually dangerous parts of being a woman in public, like catcalling or harassment or involuntary photographs or even assault.

Now that was not a good train of thought to go down right now. This was supposed to be a fun day, a nice day. She shouldn’t worry about that stuff. Besides, she had Elise and Amanda with her. No one was going to try anything in such a public place… hopefully… no, definitely.

Sierra’s moment of stress quickly disappeared. If Elise and Amanda noticed it, they didn’t say anything, all for the best. She instead focused on what was in front of her, and she saw a rollercoaster come into view. Specifically, SkyRush.

The most intense roller coaster in all of Hershey Park.

And she was being led directly toward it.

Oh god.

Sierra immediately felt dizzy and held her head. Elise quickly dragged her to a nearby bench and had her sit down. She got out a water bottle from her bag and had her drink it.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, we shouldn’t have just led you there, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Elise took a seat next to Sierra, taking her hand with a firm grip.

“Do you want to go on something less intense?” Amanda asked. “There are lots of rollercoasters here. I’m sure we could find one that’s not so bad.”

“If you wanna go on SkyRush, go on it. I don’t want to hold you two back.”

“You’re not holding us back.” Elise assured her. “We’re fine if you want to go on something less intense.”

“No, go on SkyRush. I’ll be fine sitting here, trust me.”

Elise and Amanda exchanged glances.

“Well, if he’s o- she’s okay with it, then I don’t see why-”

Elise motioned for her to sit down as she tightened her grip on Sierra’s hand and pulled her close. “Hey, I used to be afraid of rollercoasters too, you know?”

“Yeah, everyone was. It’s a childish fear you’re supposed to grow out of, and I never did.”

“No, not every kid is afraid of rollercoasters.”

“I wasn’t.” Amanda chimed in. “I was never afraid of them. I was able to get Elise to get over her fear.”

“And it was at this park where that happened.” Elise said. “It was on Storm Runner. I was scared shitless. But she was right beside me, and I was able to get over it. I actually had fun that day.”

Sierra swallowed in her nervousness. “When did this happen?”

“Two summers ago.” Elise replied. “I’ve loved rollercoasters ever since.”

“That recently?”

“Yeah, I was hooked pretty quick. I think if you try it out, you might have fun.”

Elise’s words were definitely reassuring, and she had the tone of someone who genuinely cared for her well-being and wasn’t just trying to get to go on a ride for her sake. But still, she remained uncertain. Rollercoasters in general just looked so dangerous. She didn’t know if she was really up to it.

Elise pulled Sierra in closer.

“Do you wanna know something?” She asked quietly

Sierra nodded.

“I think you coming out today, going out in public dressed like this is way braver than going on a rollercoaster. You’re doing great. You already conquered a fear. You should be proud.”

Sierra felt her face heat up.

“I’m serious, you’re very brave.”

Sierra breathed in deeply. She was brave? She was really brave? It sounded so bizarre to hear, after hate reading so much transphobic stuff online to satisfy some kind of sick thrill, that anyone like her could be brave. She wasn’t brave. That was ridiculous. She couldn’t even muster up the courage to tell an employee when they got her order wrong at a restaurant.

And yet, Elise really sounded like she meant it when she said she was brave. She really believed it, as if she thought Sierra was a much more daring person than she actually was. As if she thought Sierra was someone who didn’t care what anyone else said or thought. She couldn’t say for sure, but even if it probably wasn’t the case, it really felt like it.

Maybe, just maybe Elise was right. Maybe Sierra really was brave. Maybe she should strive to become that person Elise may think of her as. A person who doesn’t care what others think of them, and doesn’t let that get them down.

Take it one step at a time.

That, more than anything else, encouraged her to go on the ride. She needed to get rid of this fear, once and for all. It had gone on long enough.

Sierra stood up from the bench. “I’ll go.”

“Really?” Amanda asked. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do want to. I need to go on it.” Sierra said. “I need to conquer this fear.”

“Okay… I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t just Elise pushing you.”

Elise patted Sierra’s back. “I was just giving her a pep talk.”

“Yeah sure.” Amanda said unconvinced.

“It is my choice to go on this ride.” Sierra told her. “I’m going on it because I want to, it’s my decision.”

Elise smiled and took Sierra’s hand once more, planting a kiss on her check. Amanda looked like she was about to roll her eyes, but she held back.

“If you say so.” Amanda said.

“I know so.” Sierra replied.

The girls began walking forward again, and Sierra took in the sight coming toward her. SkyRush was so unbelievably large, and the ride itself sped through the tracks at a ridiculously fast pace. All the twists and turns it threw everywhere only served to make it more intimidating.

To take this on was going to be a challenge, but Sierra was determined to do it. After all, she had already come out to Amanda. Compared to that, this was nothing. She was not about to give this up. Bring it on!

Sierra noticed her thoughts were getting a bit too oddly sexual, and she tried and failed to suppress a laugh.

***

Every one of the big, intimidating rollercoasters at Hershey Park had a gimmick that Sierra had always found insane. She assumed this was the case for most amusement parks, but as for Hershey Park; the bench seats of the Great Bear were attached to the tracks at the top, Fahrenheit had a more than ninety degree drop, Storm Runner had a launch that sent people launching from a stand still, and the bench seats of SkyRush did not have a bottom to them, leaving people’s feet hanging in the air.

It sounded like such a ludicrous idea, as if the designers were trying to get people killed. How could anyone go on a ride like that?

Sierra apparently, as she was currently being strapped in.

She watched the restraints come down and first noted how they felt too tight on her thighs. Then she noted “holy fuck I’m about to go on a rollercoaster”.

Throughout much of the long wait in the seemingly never-ending line, Sierra was able to talk with Elise and Amanda normally, but she could not ignore the fear that kept building within her. This rollercoaster, this incredibly intense, terrifying rollercoaster, she was about to board it.

For a moment it was as if all the determination she had before first getting in line was completely lost. Why did she agree to this? Was she insane?

As much as she tried to hold it back, she could feel tears of fear building in her eyes. She was begging her brain to stop. She was not about to cry in public out of fear of going on a rollercoaster. She was seventeen years old, almost an adult. This wasn’t what she meant when she said she wanted to cry more.

In this state of mind, the only thing she could think to do was turn to Elise and say “I’m scared”.

Elise turned to reveal a caring face. “I’m right here with you. The hardest part is the beginning drop. It all gets easier after that.”

Sierra slowly nodded and soon felt the ride start. She closed her eyes and braced herself. She tried to think of anything more to reassure herself and came up with the fact that her feet weren’t hanging. The middle two seats on SkyRush had a bottom to them, unlike the outer two seats, which made her feel a little better and safer.

Come to think of it, how many people have lost their shoes on this ride? It was a good thing Sierra literally never wore open toe shoes. Elise and Amanda might be in a bit of trouble though. How were their feet not burning in those sandals?

All those thoughts were put to an end when Sierra realized just how fast SkyRush’s big uphill climb was. Most rollercoasters were a lot slower than this when going up at the beginning, but it seemed this one didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. That meant less time to mentally prepare for what was to come, but also less of that agonizingly long anticipation. Whether it was better or worse was up for debate.

Sierra didn’t even want to think about how high they were now, but regardless, she forced herself to open her eyes. They were almost at the top, and looking around, they were so high. Oh god, the drop coming up was so long. She didn’t remember what she heard exactly, but it was supposedly over two hundred feet. This was insane! How the-

She didn’t have time to think before the drop started and the screams commenced. The many, loud screams of thrill. Sierra was screaming with them, but not out of thrill, out of terror.

She could not believe the amount of force being put on her body. It felt like she could be ripped out of her chair at any moment and fly in the air straight toward her death. The restraint was the only thing holding her in place. It was a truly terrifying feeling.

She was quite literally being lifted out of her seat.

And yet, through all of that, she was feeling… thrilled.

There came a point when Sierra stopped screaming. In just a few seconds, she had been taken a huge distance, but nothing had really happened to her. She was still there, in one piece, alive and well. The sensation of being dragged quickly through the air didn’t take very long for her to get used to.

And if she was honest, she was kind of enjoying it.

As the rollercoaster went on, through all the ups, downs, and turns, and the screams continued, Sierra found herself in almost a state of bliss. It was as if there was something euphoric about being on a rollercoaster. To go at such high speeds, to travel such long distances, all in the open air. And in such a short time too.

To her surprise, she was actually enjoying herself. And Elise was sitting right beside her, which, in the end, made her feel all that much safer.

Sierra wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the ride was over, coming down the last stretch to unload all the passengers. It was odd, it felt short and long simultaneously. Realistically though it couldn’t have been that much more than a minute.

A minute which she had spent so long dreading. It was all a bit silly, in retrospect.

The ride came to a stop. Sierra, Elise, and Amanda unboarded the bench seats and walked back out to the park.

It was only a few steps in that Elise suddenly pulled Sierra in for a long, deep kiss.

“I’m so proud of you.” She said.

Sierra reciprocated that kiss and wrapped her arms around Elise. “Thank you. I love you.” She said.

It wasn’t long before they were full on making out.

Amanda, crossing her arms, made a loud “Ahem!” sound, catching the two lovers’ attention.

“Have you forgotten that we are in public? Everyone can see you two sucking face.”

Sierra and Elise stared awkwardly around them and did catch a few funny and amused looks at them from people walking by.

They pulled away from each other, both of their faces bright red.

Elise forced a cough. “Why don’t we, uh, get something to eat.”

“Yeah, uh, sounds like a good idea.” Sierra agreed.

“Great! I was thinking the same thing.” Amanda exclaimed.

The three began walking forward again, Amanda much more enthusiastically than Sierra and Elise. It was really weird that, despite being the third wheel, Amanda was the one feeling the least awkward right now.

Pushing the embarrassment aside, Sierra really was feeling proud of herself.

She still couldn’t call herself a fan of rollercoasters, and she probably wouldn’t want to go on another one for a long time. But still, she went on one. She went on a real rollercoaster, and survived. Hell, she enjoyed it.

She absolutely understood the appeal now. To go on something so fast and chaotic, where you’re constantly being dragged through high speeds with the wind blowing on your face and body. It had clicked. It was even worth the ridiculously long wait time.

She may not have completely conquered them, but she confronted two major fears today. And in that moment, she felt unstoppable. She was on top of the world.

What a day this was turning out to be.

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