“Good morning, everyone,” Allan- my university lecturer- says as I (and no doubt all of the other students on my course) get my notepad out. “I’ll let you all have a couple of minutes to get set up, then we’ll begin.”

“I’ll talk to you later,” I say, mirroring the sad smile of the long-haired girl on my phone screen.

“Yeah,” Leanne sighs sadly. “I should be getting to work too in the next couple of minutes. Well, not technically ‘getting to’, but you know what I mean, right?”

“…Yep,” I say with a sad sigh of my own as I glance around at my surroundings- not the lecture hall at the university, where I spent much of the 2018-2019 academic year, but the living room in mine & Lee’s flat, where I’ve spent virtually all of 2020 so far.

Despite covid restrictions ‘easing’ over the summer, infection rates still remain too high for things to ‘properly’ get back to normal. A couple of weeks ago, I was looking forward to going back to university, only to be told I’ll only be actually ‘going’ in one day a week, so as to not have too many people on site at once- hence why my lecture (in fact, all of my classes) today will be delivered through the screen of my laptop.

…And, unfortunately, the same can be said of most of my interactions with Leanne since summer. While we’ve met face-to-face for dates several times, they’ve always been ‘safe’. We’ve always maintained a two-metre distance between us, meaning we’ve not so much as been physical yet- we haven’t even kissed, let alone made love. And while she says otherwise, I know that Leanne is nervous at the prospect- though whether that’s because of covid or because of my ‘non-standard equipment’, I can’t say. I’m almost inclined to think that by the time we are ‘physical’, I’ll have had all my operations, but covid is rearing its ugly head there, too- I haven’t so much as received a timeframe for my hysterectomy yet.

However, I’m still in a much, MUCH better place than I was at the end of the year. My contract with Heavenly Talent has ended, and while it took with it my biggest source of income, all of the associated stress is finally behind me (and Jonathan and Stuart are still occasionally sending busywork my way- not ‘official’ HT work like bookkeeping, but stuff like designing logos or album covers for the band, so I’m not completely skint). I didn’t return to Cardiff over summer, so I’ve had no run-ins with my mother to stress me out, but I was able to keep in regular touch with Neil and Rob over Zoom. My friendship- my brotherhood, even- with Lee is as strong as ever. And Stuart, despite the fact that he has a family of his own, has kept his promise to always be available for a chat if I need it- which I have, more than once. Even if one of those occasions was to gloat about Arsenal beating Chelsea to win the FA Cup! On a more materialistic note, our flat will be getting a PlayStation 5 AND an Xbox Series X next month, I’ve had my grandfather’s leather jacket altered to fit me like a glove, and I’ve gained three new tattoos since June- the logo I designed for Chwilen on my shoulder, an IDIC logo from Star Trek on my left forearm and a stylised Welsh dragon over my heart. Things are good right now- well, apart from the obvious global situation, and the effect it’s having on my love life- even if I can’t entirely blame covid for what’s happening there.

Leanne is a great girlfriend. She’s almost the exact opposite of my mother- shy- almost timid, even- intellectual, not overly image-conscious (though that’s not to say she doesn’t care about her appearance) and a huge lover of the same types of nerdy activities that I and my friends enjoy. And with the exception of that last ‘characteristic’, she’s also the exact opposite of Chloe. The girl who I adored with all my heart, and as hard as I try to deny it, there's a part of me that still does. The more time I spend with Leanne, the more I like her- but crucially, the more I forget about Chloe. However, I know consciously that this isn’t enough- it isn’t fair to Leanne to only go out with her as a way to put Chloe behind me, I should go out with Leanne because I want to go out with her- and I do, I really do. There’s just an annoyingly large part of me that just can’t stop thinking about Chloe…

“I’ll talk to you soon,” Leanne says with a sad sigh, before playfully waving at her camera. “Bye babe!”

“Bye babe,” I say, smiling before sighing as my phone’s screen goes blank and I turn my attention back to my laptop.

The next 45 minutes is spent following along with my lecturer’s demonstrations online, making notes and downloading the examples he uploads to the Zoom chat- one advantage of remote learning, I suppose- before logging out of Zoom and completing the exercises he sets for us by myself- which is definitely a DISadvantage of remote learning.

While things quickly changed at the start of my second year- well, my ‘first second’ year at uni- some of my fondest memories of my first year were the times when Ben, Mac and I would work on projects together, whether that’s hitting the library for journals or huddling around a computer together working on group projects. Now, none of that can happen- journals are now exclusively online, huddling around ANYTHING is out of the question thanks to covid, and thanks to my ‘away time’ at the start of the year, I’m doing the second year of my course again, while Mac and Ben are in their third year. And while I couldn’t care less about never seeing the former of those two guys again, there’s a part of me that does miss the latter guy. It’s not that we’ve completely lost contact with each other- we occasionally chat on Facebook and he’s got into the habit of sending me clips from the new Lower Decks Star Trek cartoon (which I’m only too happy to watch, the show is hilarious), but it’s not the same as heading to the Student Union bar after a long day of classes, or going on a night out somewhere- anywhere, even.

…And the fact that I can’t do either of those things with ANYONE right now has meant that making friends with my new classmates has been next to impossible. I only so much as know the names of a handful of them, and while that’s to be expected as I’m still only a few weeks into the new academic year, the fact is that they bonded with each other last year despite lockdown, while I obviously didn’t. All of this just makes me more grateful for having friends like Lee and Stuart, and especially grateful for having Leanne in my life. And, of course, the many other people who I’m proud to call my friends, one of whom I take a quick break from my work to call to try to clear my mind when stuck on a particularly difficult exercise- another unintended advantage of remote learning.

“Hey,” I whisper softly as the face of the blonde-haired girl appears on screen, wearing zero make-up for maybe the third time in all the time I've known her and looking like she's lost a fight with a tornado. “How are you feeling today, any better?”

“Do I look any better?” Ellie asks in a croaky voice, before coughing and sighing. “Ugh, sorry Ian, I didn’t mean to take it out on you, I just- heh. Not coughing as much and nowhere near as feverish as I was, but senses of taste and smell are still gone.”

“Well- sending virtual hugs, heh,” I chuckle.

“Thanks,” Ellie whispers. “And thanks for checking in on me too, I really do appreciate it.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” I ask, smiling as my friend giggles. “How’s your sister? She’s just started uni, hasn’t she?”

“Yep,” Ellie replies with a proud smile. “Studying Modern Literature. And getting girlier with every passing day, heh!”

“Glad to hear it,” I chuckle. “She can balance out all the girliness I’m getting shot of, heh!”

“Oh please, as if there’s anything about you that’s remotely girly,” Ellie chuckles.

“Well, nothing visible, anyway,” I say with a quiet laugh.

“Nothing AT ALL visible beneath all your tattoos!” Ellie teases, giggling and coughing as I blush.

“So I like tats,” I say with a shrug. “My body, my choice, right?”

“Always been my motto,” Ellie giggles, before looking away as she hears a knock on her door. “That’ll be Sade with some soup, I’d better let you go.”

“Is she keeping safe?” I ask.

“Who d’you think I caught this off?” Ellie snorts. “She’s fine, all over it now and testing negative too, but still has to isolate while I’m sick, obviously.”

“Well- get well soon,” I say. “And give my love to Sade and Jade.”

“Will do,” Ellie says with a smile despite her illness. Another thing I can definitely be grateful for: I’ve so far managed to avoid catching covid myself.

After grabbing a quick snack for myself, I log back in to the university’s mainframe and upload my responses to the tasks our lecturer set for us. While I wait for my feedback, I lazily scroll through my phone, seeing if I have any messages from Leanne- I don't, unsurprisingly, as her work keeps her VERY busy, but merely seeing her profile picture puts a smile on my face until the call comes through from my lecturer. Fortunately, my work today proves to be up to standard- which is good, as seeing as I’ve already done it all once last October, it’d have been a major issue if it wasn’t. With no guided lessons for the rest of the day, I log out of the mainframe and spend the remainder of the afternoon browsing through graphic design journals online, until my flatmate returns home shortly after 4:30pm.

“Noswaith dda,” I say nonchalantly- over the summer holiday, both Lee and I (admittedly having while nothing better to do) decided that as neither of us could speak much (if any) Welsh, we should make an effort to try to learn the language of our ancestors. However, given that we live in a flat that contains a LOT of videogames, among other distractions, neither of us are even close to fluent yet.

“Noswaith dda,” Lee replies. “Diwrnod da ddim yn y brifysgol?”

“Ddim yn ddrwg, diolch,” I reply after a pause to mentally translate the words and realise why Lee said ‘good day NOT at university’. “Beth wyt ti eisiau i swper?”

“Ddim yn ddrwg, di-“ Lee says, before grimacing as he realises he said he wanted 'not bad' for tonight's dinner. “Ah- shit, I know this, just a second…”

“Too late, dinner’s on you,” I say with a smug grin that quickly fades as my friend speaks again.

“Y peth Mecsicanaidd gawson ni o Tesco dydd Gwener diwethaf,” Lee says, his grin widening as I roll my eyes. “And I couldn’t have paid for anything anyway, as there’s nowhere open to pay any money TO.”

“Meh, some places are starting to reopen,” I shrug. “Gonna be ages before everything’s open again, though.”

“Meh, we’re not starving,” Lee retorts.

“Yeah, that shouldn’t really be a highlight,” I say. “In, like, we shouldn’t be celebrating ‘not starving’.”

“And we’re not coughing either,” Lee reminds me. “And we’ll actually be able to taste the Mexican food that YOU’RE cooking tonight. Now that IS something worth celebrating.”

“Fine,” I sigh, closing my laptop and heading through to the kitchen. “Has another person on your course gone down, then?”

“Not infected, but they got pinged this morning,” Lee says, waving his phone in the air as he sits down in his usual chair. “There’s a part of me that wishes we could study from home as well, but it’s not exactly practical with all the equipment I have to use, heh.”

“You running an angle grinder constantly for six hours would piss me off a bit when I’m trying to listen to lectures,” I say.

“Well, for starters, we don’t use angle grinders anymore, we 3D print everything we can,” Lee retorts. “…And admittedly, 3D printers are pretty loud, so- yeah. Both our points stand there, heh. Got anything planned for the evening, other than yet another shirtless chat with Miss Canada?”

“You know, I don’t mind you calling her ‘Leanne’, that IS her name,” I snort. “And for the record, the only time I was shirtless was in August when it was really hot.”

“Yeah, well, still shut the door if you’re going to chat with her,” Lee says, smirking as I roll my eyes.

“The same goes for you, these walls are too thin,” I retort, smiling as my friend’s smirk widens. “And I won’t be up late anyway, as I actually have to go into university tomorrow, as in ‘IN’ in.”

“I’ll set out a lateral flow test for you before breakfast, then,” Lee says. “So… is that it for the evening, then? Dinner, then you disappear into your bedroom to make kissy faces into your laptop at your girlfriend?”

“…Yes, okay, I’ll play FIFA with you,” I say with a mock-sigh, smiling as Lee’s smile widens yet further. “Though I do have a decent amount of coursework to do myself, too.” Or at least repurpose from last year, I think to myself.

Sure enough, after dinner, we while away the evening on our PS4, until tomorrow's deadline forces me to retreat to my bedroom to concentrate on my coursework. It isn’t long, though, before I find my concentration starting to wander, and as always happens, I log into Facebook messenger and start up a video chat with the one person I most want to speak to right now.

“Hey you!” Leanne says with a nervous chuckle as her slender face appears on my screen.

“Hey, you!” I chuckle. “How’s your day been?”

“Umm, it was going okay until a few minutes ago, when it completely fell off a cliff,” Leanne sighs, and I smile sympathetically even as her eyes go wide at what she implied. “Oh- umm, I don’t- I don’t mean by that that talking to you is what made the day suck, I just- heh.”

“Conversation do-over?” I offer, chuckling as my girlfriend blushes and nods. We both smirk as we lower our heads and count to three, before gazing into the screen again with wide grins on our faces.

“Hey you!” Leanne giggles nervously.

“Hey you!” I say. “How’s your day been?”

“Better for talking to you,” Leanne says, blushing an even deeper shade of red as I giggle. “But- yeah. I got some news from my manager a few minutes ago that REALLY sucks.”

“Oh- oh no,” I say as a look of genuine worry spreads across my face. “Are- is your job, like-“

“Oh- oh, god no,” Leanne chuckles. “I’m not being fired or furloughed or whatever. The opposite, actually- we all have to go in, as in, like, IN to work tomorrow to get new security passes for when we all have to start working from the office again.”

“Ugh, that sucks,” I sigh. “So, like, they’ve never heard of super-spreader events?”

“We’re all going in, like, one at a time,” Leanne explains. “I’ve booked a slot right at the end of the day, so hopefully there’ll be, like, fewer people waiting around.”

“…But on the other hand, it’ll be after everyone’s already breathed and coughed over everything,” I say, smiling sympathetically again as my girlfriend grimaces and lowers head.

“…Bums, I didn’t think of that…” Leanne moans. “I- I’ll take along extra sanitiser and a clean mask, I should be okay.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m going to be in university tomorrow as well,” I say. “Only that I’ll be in all day, heh. Everywhere’s safely spaced apart, though, there are screens between seats in the computer lab, I- I’ll be fine.”

“I hope so,” Leanne says, smiling at me and making my heart flutter.

“So, umm…” I say to try to prevent an awkward silence from falling over us. “Did- did anything GOOD actually happen at work?”

“The usual,” Leanne replies with a shrug. “Crunching figures, making rich guys richer, that sort of thing.” I chuckle at the reply, even as I can’t help but think that if I’d asked Chloe the same question, she’d probably still be answering it an hour from now. “How- how about you?”

“The usual,” I chuckle. “Lecture, lots of design exercises to do on my laptop- yeah. Especially as it’s mostly stuff I already did last year, before my- before my, well, ‘unscheduled break’.”

“Yeah,” Leanne whispers as a sympathetic smile spreads across her face at the mention of my 'time away' earlier this year. “How- how are you feeling, anyway?” I smile as I ponder my response- it’s odd how, if anyone else had asked that question, it’d get my back up, but coming from Leanne, it instantly calms me down.

“I’m okay,” I reply with a shrug. “Missing the outside a lot, though. Missing my friends… missing you as well.”

“I’m missing you too,” Leanne whispers. “But, you know, like…” I try not to smirk as the blonde woman’s face quickly turns a shade of bright red

“…We ARE both out tomorrow?” I ask, smiling as my girlfriend nods.

“And, like, we’re both going to be out at the same time…” Leanne teases, before giggling and blushing even more.

“I’d love to meet up,” I say, smirking as my girlfriend grins widely. “Been ages since we last had a proper ‘date’ date.”

“Even though there's hardly anywhere open for us to go?” Leanne asks.

“Meh, just means we’ve got the whole of London as our playground,” I say- a prospect my girlfriend clearly finds appealing.

“No one I’d rather ‘play’ with than you, heh,” Leanne chuckles, and while her saying this makes my heart beat faster, I can’t pass up the opportunity for a little good-natured teasing.

“…Bored of your cousins already?” I ask, smirking as the blonde girl rolls her eyes. “Keith and Reuben ARE both my friends, you know…”

“Yeah, well, Keith Lives with his wife and kids and Reuben moved in with his fiancée when lockdown got eased over summer,” Leanne reminds me. “So it’s just me, my aunt and my uncle. Honestly, I think they’re glad of the company, especially since lockdown means they can’t see their grandkids as much anymore.”

“Yeah, but-“ I say, before pausing and carefully considering my words- Leanne IS fond of her aunt and uncle, after all. “You know, I- I’m kinda glad I’m, like, living with someone my own age, you know?”

“Meh, I guess,” Leanne shrugs. “But, like, I’m only two weeks younger than Reuben- exactly, like, two weeks, as in fourteen days, and we weren’t exactly best of friends, you know?”

“I’m not exactly his best friend either,” I shrug. “I mean, he supports Chelsea, like his brother, so…”

“You total BOY,” Leanne teases, making me smirk. “I’m just glad he moved out before the new season started, heh. Meh, but he’s family, so I shouldn’t say that… God knows I miss my parents more, heh.” That makes one of us, I think- though this is obviously a thought I keep to myself.

“Have you talked to them recently?” I ask.

“It’s still, like, lunchtime where they are,” Leanne replies. “I’ll call them later, just let them know how I am, that I’m keeping safe, that sort of thing…”

“Give them my love too,” I say- even though I’ve not yet met Leanne’s parents, not even by video chat, she’s told me that they approve of her relationship, and by extension, me- and I have no reason not to believe her.

“Of course,” Leanne says, before smirking uncharacteristically devilishly. “When you’ve finished giving ME your love, anyway…” I smirk devilishly as well, even as Leanne’s smirk fades and her cheeks flush yet again. “Ugh, that sounded SO corny…”

“I liked it,” I shrug, smiling as my girlfriend’s blushes fade. “And I’m not done giving you my love yet, not by a long way, heh!”

“Good,” Leanne says, smiling as she relaxes back onto her bed while I spread myself out on mine.

Leanne and I continue talking until late into the night (though admittedly, I’m doing the bulk of the talking), until we both eventually decide it’s time to get some sleep. Naturally, though, the prospect of seeing my girlfriend in person for the first time in ages means that I don’t get much sleep, making me groggy when my alarm wakes me the following morning just after 7am.

“Urgh,” I groan, stretching my tired, aching muscles before pulling on my dressing gown and heading into the kitchen, where Lee is already awake and making some badly needed coffee.

“Morning!” Lee says with a smug grin. “How does it feel, actually being awake at this time?”

“Crap,” I reply with a snort, which unsurprisingly doesn’t elicit a lot of sympathy from my flatmate.

“Oh dear, how sad, never mind,” Lee says, laughing as I roll my eyes. “It IS typical, though, that we only finally start going somewhere as the weather starts to get shit.”

“I hope you’re not praying for another lockdown over the coldest winter months,” I retort.

“Oh- HELL no,” Lee says. “Especially not as I plan to return to Cardiff for both my 21st AND for Christmas. Though as they’re six and ten weeks away respectively, god knows what’ll happen between then and now…” And thanks for reminding me that Christmas- and, as such, my 21st birthday- are only a few weeks away, I think to myself, though I keep my mouth shut- no sense in tempting fate, after all.

“Can’t argue with that,” I shrug. “Oh, and by the way, I’m going to be hanging out with my girlfriend after uni, as she’ll be actually in the office today, so- yep.”

“Well, that’s about as unsubtle as girlfriend brags get,” Lee snorts, before smirking. “Just- don’t go licking her tonsils if she’s coughing too much, okay?”

“Lovely, and yes, I’ll be ‘safe’,” I say. Not like I can get her pregnant, I think to myself ruefully.

“Goodo,” Lee says as we sit back down in the living room and finish our breakfasts.

After I finish eating, I grab a quick shower before pulling on a pair of jeans, my favourite brown walking boots, a warm sweater and, of course, my trusty leather jacket. Before I leave the flat, I briefly check my phone for any messages from Leanne, though I’m not surprised when I find there aren’t any- as she said yesterday, she won’t be in the office until later in the afternoon, so will presumably be working from home until then, and as such, doesn’t have to be up as early as I do.

A couple of quick tube rides later, and I’m walking through the front door of my university campus, grateful that my mandatory face mask means that no one else can see how anxious I am. And while covid certainly plays a part in my anxiety today, the main reason is because I barely recognise any of the faces I see as I walk through the corridors- something that is, of course, not helped by their own face masks. A bigger source of mask-based anxiety, though, is that the way they’re designed, they completely obscure all of my chin and most of my cheeks, meaning that what little facial stubble I have is completely obscured, meaning that all people can see of my face is my eyes, my forehead and my hair, and as short as my hair is, my eyes and even my skull are still VERY feminine.

The first time I put on a mask and looked in the mirror, I was shocked by how I looked in the mirror. After just one glance, it seemed like four years of progress- four years of hard work toward being the man I desperately wanted to be- was gone. I looked online at photos of other women in face masks, and all I saw in them was myself, and vice versa. Even looking at photos of my transgender friends (specifically, Laura, Ellie and Ashley) wearing masks didn’t help- when they wear masks, they also wear eye make-up, which adds to the ‘illusion’, whereas I can’t wear less than ‘no make-up’. However, as always, when I explained this anxiety to my friends, they didn't hesitate to help me out.

When I explained my stresses to Stuart, the first thing he did was take a photo of himself in his facemask and send it to me, closely followed by photos from our mutual friends Kurt and Keiran, both ‘boys like us’ and who, like myself and Stuart, had unfortunately feminine-shaped faces that were only exaggerated by our masks. However, when he sent me the picture, Stuart reminded me of one simple fact- that his name was NOT ‘Claire’ and he was not a woman. Similarly, Kurt’s name isn’t ‘Kate’ and he isn’t a woman, Keiran’s name isn’t ‘Keira’ and he isn’t a woman, and my name most definitely is NOT ‘Kayleigh-Ann’ and I am 100% NOT a girl. And while this definitely helped me feel better at the time- and reminded me that, as ever, I am not alone- it’s not going to stop some of the students I see today from ‘getting the wrong idea’ about me…

Of course, the fact that my mask proudly bears the crest of my beloved Arsenal FC helps to distract from any ‘unwanted attention’, but I’m still uneasy as I make my way to the lecture hall and take the seat that’s been reserved for me- thanks to covid, all lectures now have strict seating plans to enforce social distancing. Thankfully, the plans are gender-blind, as in there’s no ‘all male section’ or ‘all female row’, so even with my mask on, I can slip in without drawing anyone’s attention. And thankfully, my seat is toward the back of the hall, meaning I draw as little attention as possible while everyone else sits down.

After the lecture ends, I follow my classmates- keeping a 2-metre distance from them at all times, of course- to the computer lab, where we once again have ‘assigned seats’. And, annoyingly, mice and mousepads fixed on the right-hand side of the keyboard, meaning a lot of awkward twisting of my body to create the designs in the tasks we've been set. As I work, though, I can’t help but be reminded of the stress I felt earlier about my mask, and once again, I’m forced to come to the same conclusion I always do- even if people do mentally misgender me because of the mask, it doesn’t affect my life all that much when they can’t say or do anything to me about it.

Eventually, our time in the computer lab comes to an end and the lunch period begins. While there are no guided lessons in the afternoon, and the university cafeteria is still closed due to the pandemic, I'd rather stay inside in the warmth before meeting up with Leanne, so I grab a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar from the vending machine and find somewhere out of the way to hole up while I eat. Naturally, though, virtually all of the university campus counts as ‘out of the way’ with how few people there are here, so after a bit of wandering around, I find a seat on which to eat and check my phone for any messages- specifically, any from Leanne. However, she’s still working right now (or at least is showing as offline on messenger), so I put my phone away, finish my lunch and get ready to while away the afternoon reading up for my course.

Eventually, though, the clock ticks over to 4pm, and I head toward the nearest tube station, on my way to meet with my girlfriend where we’d agreed, near her workplace in Canary Wharf. When I arrive, Leanne is nowhere to be seen, momentarily raising my anxiety levels, but they quickly vanish when I see her stroll up a short while later with a nervous grin on her face.

“H- hi, Ian,” Leanne says with a hesitant wave that I mirror as we consciously keep 2 metres apart.

“Hey,” I say with a goofy, excited giggle. “You- you’re looking great!”

“Thanks,” Leanne replies, nervously biting her lip. “Hope I LOOK more comfortable than I feel, heh.” I smile sympathetically as we head to a nearby bench, where we sit down on opposite ends, Leanne fidgeting as she straightens her smart black pencil skirt.

“I was about to say,” I muse out loud. “You probably hate wearing skirts and dresses even more than I do, heh.”

“And pantyhose,” Leanne snorts as she fidgets in her seat. “Though I absolutely draw the line at heels.” I smirk as Leanne shows off the smart-looking pair of flats on her feet. “But, you know, I thought I- I should probably, you know, make an effort, heh.”

“For your staff ID?” I ask, wondering why an ID card would need a full-length photo.

“Umm, no,” Leanne replies. “For- like- for you.” I bite my lip and blush slightly as the pretty blonde woman smiles in my direction.

“…Now I feel like crap showing up in jeans and a leather jacket, heh,” I chuckle bashfully.

“You- you shouldn’t, really,” Leanne says quietly. “I know how much that jacket means to you, and- and you look good in it, really.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle. “So, umm… good day at work?”

“Well, it was kinda boring, really,” Leanne says with a quiet chuckle. “We were just having our photos taken, we had to stay socially distanced in the office and keep our masks on except when in front of the camera, so- yeah. If- if you mean, like, the home work BEFORE actually ‘going’ into the office, then it was just, you know, same as always. How- how was university?”

“…The same as always,” I reply, earning a smile from my girlfriend. “Didn’t speak to anyone, barely even saw anyone, and anyone I did see I had to stay two metres away from, so- yep. You’re the first person I’ve actually talked to today, apart from my flatmate, heh. But it’s been worth the wait.”

“Thanks,” Leanne whispers. “My- heh. My aunt and uncle don’t actually know I’ve come to see you, they’d probably be annoyed if they found out as they’re REALLY paranoid about the virus, heh.”

“Yeah, my flatmate’s the same way,” I say. “Though he at least does know that I’m here today.”

“And he doesn’t mind?” Leanne asks, smiling as I shake my head. “I guess he gets that, like, people need company. I mean, my aunt and uncle have each other, but the rest of my family is, like on the other side of the ocean, and we can’t even touch each other…” I try not to frown as my girlfriend bites her lip, clearly trying to keep herself from crying. I take a deep breath as I weigh up the choices in my mind.

The way I see it, there are two things I can do- I can either slide closer to my girlfriend and comfort her, or maintain the two metres distance mandated by the government. It takes me less than a second to stand up, walk over to Leanne, sit down next to her and gently link her fingers with my own.

“I- Ian?” Leanne asks, clearly startled by my actions. “Wh- what are you-“

“You look like you needed it,” I say, gently squeezing her hand a little tighter.

“B- but, you know, two metres…” Leanne stammers.

“If anyone asks, we’ll just say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” I shrug. “Which is, like, the truth.”

“Yeah, but we- we haven’t even kissed yet…” Leanne mumbles, as I feel my heart start to race. I quickly lick my lips, before leaning in and softly pressing my mouth against Leanne’s.

It’s far from the first kiss- or even the first ‘first kiss’- I’ve ever shared with a girl, but this one feels different, somehow. I couldn’t say whether it’s because it’s ‘forbidden’, or because it’s almost three months overdue, or even because I know, deep down, how right for each other Leanne and I are. All I know is that every second we spend with our lips touching, my heart beats faster and faster until we eventually part and the two of us gaze silently into each other’s eyes.

“O- okay,” Leanne says in a quiet, almost timid voice.

“Did- did you like-“ I ask, only to be silenced as Leanne presses her lips against mine, her grip on my hand tightening as we explore each other’s mouths deeper and deeper.

“…Y- yes,” Leanne whispers, her voice- her breath, even- still trembling with excitement. “We- we might be causing a bit of a scene though, heh.” I grimace and try not to blush as I gaze around at the small crowd, many of whom stopped what they were doing to look at Leanne and me.

“Yeah…” I say, before we both share a giggle. “When we do that again, we maybe do that in private, heh. A- assuming it’s, like, a ‘when’ rather than an ‘if’?”

“…’When’,” Leanne says with a grin that I eagerly mirror. “Assuming, like, that covid lets us, heh.”

“It can’t last forever,” I say with a shrug. “I mean, it’s not like no one’s ever going to be allowed to start a relationship again, right? We just, like, got a head start on everyone.”

“I like that,” Leanne says softly. “So… now that our mouths are, you know, not occupied, what do you want to talk about?”

“Loads of things,” I reply with a chuckle. “Like, it’s my 21st in just a few months…”

“I- I don’t know why I feel THAT much older than you when I’m only, you know, 18 months older…” Leanne mumbles, making me grimace.

“Ah- sorry…” I mumble.

“No, it’s okay,” Leanne says, gently squeezing my hand again. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with feeling mature, right? And god knows this damned skirt is making me feel 20 years older than I actually am…”

“So… trousers in future, then?” I ask.

“Meh, like I said, I don’t mind making an effort,” Leanne replies with a shrug. “As long as the person I’m making the effort for appreciates it, you know.” I grin as I exchange another quick kiss with my girlfriend, leaving a smile on both our faces.

“Does that answer your question?” I ask.

“Well… my implied question, yes,” Leanne replies with a giggle that I mirror too.

We remain together for the next 45 minutes, just spending time relaxing together talking about our lives, before we both head back to our separate homes- though not before sharing another gentle kiss.

As I head home, I’m actually glad to be wearing a mask that disguises the wide, no doubt goofy grin on my face. Leanne is like a breath of fresh air after Chloe, even- or maybe even especially when the ginger-haired girl has been out of my life for so long. She’s sensitive, funny, cute- and most importantly of all, she actually cares about my feelings. Possibly even TOO much- god knows the last thing I want is for her to be uncomfortable just on my behalf, like she was today. Fortunately, figuring out how I'm going to make it up to Leanne is a something I'm looking forward to working out.

The grin remains on my face even as I return home and remove my mask, which my flatmate instantly picks up on.

“…I take it you had fun, then?” Lee asks, only briefly looking up from his laptop as I take off and carefully hang up my jacket.

“Definitely,” I chuckle. “Already looking forward to seeing her again, heh.”

“Well- thank god you saw each other in public,” Lee snorts, smirking as I roll my eyes. “Is Leanne okay, anyway?”

“Oh yeah, better than okay!” I chuckle.

“…I meant in the ‘general health’ sense, specifically ‘that thing that’s been in the news for the last seven months’,” Lee clarifies.

“She seemed fine to me,” I shrug. “What’s for dinner?”

“Figures that you’ve worked up an appetite,” Lee says, snorting with laughter as I roll my eyes again.

“I had a vending machine lunch,” I retort. “Do we still have any frozen pizza?”

“Yes and yes please, if you’re offering to cook it, which I’m taking it you are,” Lee says. “I have a LOT of shit to get done for tomorrow.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “And thanks for offering to wash up.” I keep a smug grin on my face as I head through to the kitchen to prepare our dinner.

After we eat, with Lee still busy, I head through to my bedroom to make a start on my own coursework, but it isn’t long before once again, my mind starts to wander and I find myself looking for a distraction- specifically, the same ‘distraction’ I met up with earlier this afternoon. I minimise the work on my laptop and open up Facebook, smiling as I see that the person I want to talk to most is online. To my surprise, though, my request for a video chat is declined by my girlfriend- though quickly followed up by a written message.

‘Hey Ian,’ Leanne types, her ‘smiling’ emoji reassuring me that she’s not mad at me for whatever reason. ‘Sorry I can’t chat now, about to get into the bath then will probably have an early night, feeling pretty tired right now.’

‘Are you okay?’ I immediately ask as I remember Lee's concern from earlier.

‘I’m fine,’ Leanne replies with another smiling emoji. ‘Probably just not used to actually going into the office lol. Will talk tomorrow!’ Naturally, this is accompanied by another ‘smiling’ emoji, but it’s the ‘heart’ emoji that I focus on the most, and which I echo before typing my reply.

‘Sure you can’t chat in the bath?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘When THAT happens for the first time, I want us to be in the same room together,’ Leanne replies with a ‘sticking out tongue’ and ‘winking’ emoji of her own. ‘Besides, another reason I’m feeling crappy is- come to think of it, something you probably have unwanted experience with.’ Do I ever, I think to myself with a shudder.

‘Say no more,’ I say with a ‘hugging’ emoji.

‘Sorry if it’s a sore spot for you,’ Leanne types with a ‘hugging’ emoji of her own.

‘Well, they used to be,’ I retort, followed by a ‘muscles’ emoji that earns ‘rolling eyes’ and ‘giggling’ ones from Leanne in reply. ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams!’

‘Talk tomorrow!’ Leanne types with a ‘kissing’ emoji before logging out of Facebook and leaving me with a wide grin on my face. However, I can’t help but muse on what my girlfriend said, ‘something I have unwanted experience with’. My ‘cycle’ isn’t something I’ve thought about in ages, especially not since my testosterone injections brought it to a (hopefully) permanent end. However, what Leanne’s implying- whether she realises it or not- is that my ‘experience’ makes me a more empathetic boyfriend- and that’s got me thinking. Naturally, though, there are precious few people I can discuss this with- however, one of them is online right now.

‘Hey Stu,’ I type to my mentor. ‘Got a sec?’

‘Sure, what’s up?’ Stuart replies almost immediately, making me pause and bite my lip- there isn’t really a ‘good’ way of wording what I’m about to ask…

‘Is it weird,’ I type, for a girl to discuss their ‘cycles’ with a trans boyfriend?’ The message goes ‘read’ almost immediately, but much to my anxiety, it takes a while before Stuart starts typing a response, and even longer before he sends his response.

‘I suppose you could maybe see it that way,’ Stuart types. ‘It’s something I’ve not thought much about, then again, I am married to someone who’s sort-of ‘reversed’ you and me.’

‘Yeah, I wouldn’t be asking this question if me and Laura had started going out,’ I type, earning a ‘laughing’ emoji from the older man.

‘Has Leanne ‘compared notes’ with you or something?’ Stuart asks. ‘She doesn’t strike me as being that outgoing, no offence intended.’

‘Not exactly,’ I reply. ‘But she’s feeling under the weather thanks to ‘that thing’ and said ‘something you have unwanted experience with’ and it just got me thinking, that’s all. Actually it’s probably weirder for me and you to be discussing it than me and Leanne lol.’

‘I don’t see why,’ Stuart types. ‘Yes, it’s not something that guys would normally discuss, but we’ve got, for want of a better way of wording it, a ‘shared experience’. You know you can talk to me about that shit any time you need to. Even if Dr Phillips would be a better choice.’ Needless to say, Stuart’s ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji makes me smirk.

‘I know,’ I type. ‘Thankfully ‘it’ hasn’t been a problem for me for ages but the fact that I still have the ‘equipment’ for it is stressful, you know?’

‘Trust me, I know,’ Stuart types. ‘After my mastectomy I thought the hysterectomy would be a little thing, recovery time notwithstanding. I mean, breasts are more ‘noticeable’, but when my reproductive organs were gone, I felt kinda liberated if that makes sense.’

‘Bit of a brag but yes,’ I type with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that earns a ‘laughing’ one in return.

‘Wasn’t trying to rub it in, honestly,’ Stuart types. ‘But to get back to the topic of you and Leanne, the fact that she’s comfortable raising the topic with you shows that you’re really growing on her fast.’

‘I guess,’ I type. ‘You don’t see it as being a bit transphobic, then? Reminding me of parts of me I wish didn’t exist?’

‘I suppose it could be,’ Stuart types after a brief pause. ‘The more important question is: did YOU feel it was transphobic?’ Given that I didn’t even think of what Leanne said in those terms at that time, there’s really only one answer that I can give.

‘Not really, not at the time,’ I type. ‘I guess context and intent matters, it’s not like she was making fun of me or anything.’

‘Yeah, Leanne really doesn’t strike me as the type of person who’d do that,’ Stuart types. ‘I’d still bring it with Dr P next time you talk to her.’

‘Will do,’ I type with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

‘Anyway, I’d love to chat more but I’ve g2g now, got to help Jamie put Olivia to bed,’ Stuart types.

‘Does a nearly 4-year-old girl need that much help getting to bed?’ I type with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. ‘Or is it that she can’t sleep without a goodnight kiss from daddy?’

‘She might, but daddy can’t,’ Stuart replies with a ‘grinning’ emoji. ‘I’ll only be about twenty minutes, we can chat when I’m done it you want?’

‘I should really be getting back to coursework,’ I reply. ‘We’ll definitely talk later this week though. Give my love to Jamie!’

‘Will do,’ Stuart types with another ‘smiling’ emoji before logging off and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

If Leanne DID mean what she said in a transphobic way, it’s odd that she’d have waited until now before ‘pulling the trigger’ on it, so to speak- unless she’s just been ‘suppressing’ her transphobia the whole time we’ve been together and she’s reached breaking point, but there’s absolutely nothing to suggest that that’s the case. She probably thought she was being sensitive by saying what she did, or more likely didn’t think about it at all- or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I am the one who mentioned it to Stuart, after all, not the other way round- and it’s not like I can’t ask Leanne about it tomorrow.

I try to push such thoughts to the back of my mind as I get ready for bed, but it’s not easy- after what happened with Chloe, and the way my luck is in general, it’d be typical if a great girl like Leanne turned out to be the devil in disguise.

When I wake up the following morning, though, I quickly realise that I have other, far more urgent problems to deal with.

“Umf,” I grunt as my phone’s alarm makes my already thumping headache even worse. I roll my aching body over in bed to switch off the alarm, briefly wondering how much I had to drink last night, before remembering that I didn’t have ANYTHING to drink last night- though even that doesn’t explain why my bed sheets are covered in sweat. Or why I’ve suddenly got a chesty cough…

“…Shit,” I grunt between coughs. Thinking quickly, I grab one of my trainers off my floor and hurl it at the door, wincing as it makes a loud thud- even though that was the outcome I was hoping for.

“What are you bloody banging for?” Lee asks as he pokes his head around my bedroom door.

“I need a test,” I grunt, consciously trying not to breathe in my friend’s direction- which doesn’t help matters when I can only talk in a hoarse whisper.

“A- a test?” Lee asks, taking time to realise what I mean before his eyes suddenly go wide. “…Shit.”

“That’s what I said,” I grunt before coughing yet again.

“Wait right there,” Lee says firmly. “Don’t move.” I nod, before laying back on my pillow with a grunt. Lee returns a short while later wearing both a cloth facemask AND a visor, with latex gloves on his hands and carrying a swab. “Open.” I dutifully do as I’m told, wincing as Lee jabs the swab up my nose before rubbing it on my tonsils. “Wait right there for 15 minutes. Don’t attempt to get up.”

“Trust me, I don’t want to,” I grumble. “And did you have to dress up like Hannibal Lecter to do this?”

“Welsh actor,” Lee replies with a shrug as he takes the swab out of my room, holding it far out in front of him like it was a bomb- which I suppose, in a way, it kind of is. If I do have covid, it can spread so easily that Lee’s caution is understandable- and I’ll no doubt have to tell everyone at college about it, and everyone I saw yesterday, like Le-

“…Fuck, Leanne,” I whisper, a sudden adrenaline surge making me sit up in bed and grab my phone. I quickly log in to Facebook, open up messenger and click on Leanne’s profile, selecting a video call. Unlike last night, she answers- though it’s clear she’s either only just woken up, or worse, feels as bad as I do right now…

“Ian, thank god,” Leanne groans, the roughness of her voice immediately making my heart sink. “I was about to call you, I-“ I grimace as Leanne’s sentence is interrupted by a loud, hacking cough.

“Yeah, I- I know,” I say quietly, before letting out a cough of my own.

“Ian, I-“ Leanne says between coughs and sobs. “I am so, so sorry, if I’d known I was-“

“It- honestly, this isn’t your fault,” I croak. “I- I haven’t even tested positive yet, and-“

“Yeah, but I- I have,” Leanne says, reaching to her side to show me her test cassette, and the two very dark lines on it. “I- I must have given it to you, you know, I must have picked it up in the office, and- ugh. I should’ve known that was a super spreader event from the start and gone in early, like you said.”

“How do you know I didn’t get it at university yesterday and give it to you?” I ask. “Hell, we still don’t know EXACTLY how this bloody virus works, we could’ve both got it, like, days ago, but only started showing symptoms today, and the whole thing could be a coincidence, you know?”

“Yeah, I- I don’t really believe in coincidences,” Leanne mumbles. “My aunt and uncle, they- they’re basically quarantining me in my room for a week, heh. Luckily, I’ve got an en-suite, and a smart TV and my laptop so at least I won’t be bored, but- ugh. My aunt and uncle are REALLY annoyed, as now it means they have to self-isolate for ten days as well, and- well, yeah.”

“Ugh, Lee will have to as well,” I sigh. “He’ll REALLY hate that, especially as I don’t have an en-suite, so- yeah.”

“And if he’s self-isolating as well he can’t go anywhere else,” Leanne sighs. “And neither can you, I guess.”

“Not sure where I’d go in any event, heh,” I chuckle.

“…Well, I DO have a big bedroom…” Leanne says, biting her lip nervously. “And, you know, we both already have covid, so- anyway, umm, not important, just, you know, thinking out loud…”

“…Yeah,” I say. “Even if I would have to climb in through your bedroom window and, well, I can barely climb out of bed right now, heh.”

“We- we’ll call that a ‘maybe’, then,” Leanne says, her bashful smile making me chuckle despite my being short of breath. “I mean, we both have antibodies now, right?”

“Well, will do, anyway, I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to biology, I’m not,” I say.

“Yeah, me either,” Leanne sighs. “I’m definitely going to get the vaccine as soon as I can, though.”

“Same here,” I say. “I mean, with all my tattoos, it’s not like I have a problem with need- ugh, shit.”

“What- what’s wrong?” Leanne asks, clearly concerned by my sudden mood change.

“I- I’m meant to have my next injection on Friday,” I say with a groan. “Of- of, you know, testosterone.”

“…Ah,” Leanne mumbles.

“I’ve definitely missed that, then,” I sigh. “Probably the one after that, too.”

“Is- will- umm, you know, will it be a big deal if you miss them?” Leanne asks hesitantly, making me nervous. Is she implying 'will it makes you less of a man? Will it make you less like boyfriend material?'

“Umm… probably not in the long run,” I reply shakily. “And I’ve been on T for long enough that even short term, there won’t be any, you know, problems…”

“Problems- problems like, umm, what- what we talked about yesterday?” Leanne asks anxiously. “Because I- I feel REALLY bad about saying what I did to you.”

“Wh- umm, sorry?” I ask. It’s definitely looking less likely that my girlfriend was motivated by transphobia, then…

“What I said about, you know, ‘monthly problems’,” Leanne mumbles. “I mean, I’m trying to, you know, study, and understand about transgender topics so I can be a good girlfriend, and- ugh.”

“L- Leanne, you-“ I say, only to be interrupted.

“I- I went, you know, on a website after I got home,” Leanne continues. “Like, you know, on Reddit, called ‘Am I the Asshole’. Basically asked if I was, you know, an asshole, and- I- I didn’t use any real names or anything, but- yeah. The consensus was that I should talk to you, find out if you were, you know, offended, that sort of thing…”

“I- I wasn’t,” I say, bringing a clear look of relief to my girlfriend’s face. “And they- they’re right, like, if you ever feel that there’s something you want to talk to me about, but you think it might make me uncomfortable, just- just ask, I won’t be offended just because you, like, asked.”

“…Th- thanks,” Leanne whispers emotionally.

“And- and you ARE a good girlfriend,” I reassure the blonde woman, earning a smile in return.

“Even though I gave you covid?” Leanne asks, making me smirk.

“No more than I gave it to you,” I whisper. “Hell, I might not even have covid, you never know…” As if on cue, a loud shout of frustration comes from the living room, followed by a knock on my bedroom door. “…Never mind, looks like I’m grounded for ten days.”

“And so am I, thanks for that,” Lee shouts through the door. “I’ll leave the test just outside, you’ll need to take a photo of it for test and trace.”

“Well… get well soon, I guess,” Leanne sighs. “Not- not, you know, ‘I guess’, I mean, I DO want you to get well soon, but- yeah…”

“It’s okay, I get it,” I say. “I- I’d better call uni, let them know I won’t be in for a while. Hell, as I was there yesterday in the flesh, I don’t think anyone will be in for a while, heh.”

“Same here with work,” Leanne says. “Lucky that my uncle’s one of my bosses so he can actually vouch that I’m sick, heh.”

“Ugh, I should probably call grandma too,” I moan. “Knowing her she’ll be worried sick for days…”

“Yeah, I need to call my parents too,” Leanne says. “When they wake up, I mean, it’s still the middle of the night in Montreal, heh. Not that I feel any more awake than they probably do right now…”

“I- I’ll let you get back to sleep, then,” I say quietly. “Hope- I hope we’ll be able to see each other again soon, heh. In the flesh, I mean. Assuming you, you know, want to kiss me again?”

“I- I guess it’s good for couples to share things,” Leanne shrugs. “Maybe not covid though, heh.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “Talk soon?”

“Talk soon,” Leanne says, bashfully blowing a kiss, an action I mirror before ending the call and laying back down on my bed with a groan.

They say relationships have ups and downs, and ‘giving each other covid’ is about as ‘down’ as it gets- but neither Leanne nor I are angry at the other. Chloe would probably have gone ballistic if I’d left her bed-bound for a week, and even Ella would’ve been angry. But Leanne? She’s only concerned with how I feel, even as she struggles with the virus herself. She really is the best girlfriend I’ve ever had, even if yesterday’s kiss is the only ‘physical intimacy’ we’ve had so far- and it ultimately ended in disaster. Then again, ‘ends in disaster’ might as well be my love life’s catchphrase- and god knows that catching covid is mild compared to what happened between me and Chloe. And yet, I still can’t stop thinking about the petite ginger-haired girl…

Needless to say, I spent the next 10 days mostly in bed, but started feeling better very quickly- which Lee appreciated as, despite our best efforts, he tested positive for the virus three days after I did. However, we ultimately recovered and returned to our lives, as did Leanne. Our regular calls became even more regular, though we remained hesitant to see each other face-to-face, despite us both (apparently) having antibodies. However, our relationship remains strong, despite all the obstacles being thrown our way, and I continue to feel stronger with every passing day. Even though I know there are still many, many more obstacles ahead of me...