“Unf,” I grunt as I’m woken from a dreamless slumber by my phone, though it isn’t my alarm that wakes me, but rather an incoming call. I try to smile as I click the ‘answer’ button- normally I'd be happy to see the identity of the caller on my phone's screen, but it's much too early- and much too cold- for that right now.

“Good morning, Ian!” Grandma says with a cheerful tone. “Or rather, happy birth-eve!”

“Thanks, grandma,” I say quietly as I prop myself up in bed and huddle my sheets around my shivering form. “Is everything okay in Cardiff?”

“Oh, we’re fine, no need to worry about us,” Grandma replies. “Has the postman arrived yet? I imagine they’re busy, with yesterday being a bank holiday and all, but I just want to know that our presents for tomorrow arrived safely.”

“Umm, you sent most of your presents down with the ones for Christmas?” I remind the elderly woman.

“I know that!” Grandma retorts. “I mean the ones we bought on Saturday, in the sales.” Which you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to post yet, as today’s the first day after Christmas that Post Offices have been open, I think to myself with a concerned frown.

“I hope the shops weren’t TOO crowded,” I say, hoping to lighten the conversation.

“Don’t worry, your mother and I stayed safe, we kept our masks on the whole time,” Grandma replies, making me shiver at the mention of the woman from whom I've escaped twice- once to Cardiff, and once back to London. “She’s still in bed, by the way, in case you wanted to speak with her.”

“I- I’m fine, thanks,” I say. “Heh, still in bed myself, but yes, I am getting up in a bit.”

“Well, how you choose to spend the holiday is up to you,” Grandma says. “Have your plans for tomorrow changed?”

“Not while we’re in tier 4, they haven’t,” I reply with a sigh. “No big party for me this year.” And even though tomorrow is my 21st birthday… I’m actually okay with this.

I’ll still be celebrating tomorrow, of course, but in a much smaller, almost more intimate way than last year. I’ll be staying in my flat all day- not that I’m able to do anything else thanks to the latest covid lockdown- but I’ll have Lee for company the whole time. My presents were all delivered at the same time as my Christmas presents and are in a cupboard, waiting to be opened in less than 24 hours’ time. In the afternoon, I’ll be in a jam session with the rest of the Celestials, and in the evening, all of my friends will be dialling in for a Zoom party. There’ll be music, there’ll be laughter, there’ll be fun, and best of all, there’ll be no cameras (well, other than webcams, anyway) and no obligation to be anything other than an ordinary 21-year-old guy. And while I am nervous about the party, my nerves are born out of excitement, rather than the anxiety of last year. The only negative thing about tomorrow is that I won’t be able to spend it with Leanne.

She’ll still be on screen at the party, of course- much like every other time we've talked since we both caught covid. While we both recovered quickly from the dreaded virus (and Lee- somehow- didn’t catch it either), it left us rattled enough to not risk any further in-person contact for the rest of the year- not that we’d have been allowed to anyway, what with London quickly falling under tier 4 of the (originally) three-tiered system of covid restrictions put in place by the government. We still talk daily, though, and our calls are almost always the highlight of my day- especially when we’re watching Star Trek Discovery together! However, when I was woken up this morning, I was as alone as I’ve been every morning since I split from Chloe, and covid means that isn’t likely to end any time soon. Meaning I’m no closer to discovering just how Leanne would react to waking up in bed with a ‘guy’ who has the same ‘equipment’ as her…

She says she’s fine with my ‘situation’, of course- she knew what she was getting into when we started going out, both when it came to my physical ‘differences’ and my mental ‘issues’. The fact remains, though, that our relationship is far from ordinary, and the longer I go without the intimacy of so much as a hug, the more I wonder if I’ll ever find that level of intimacy with Leanne- and worse yet, the more I find myself missing the times I was ‘intimate’ with Chloe…

After finishing my conversation with Grandma, I wrap my warm, dark blue dressing gown around myself and head out to the living room, where Lee is (unsurprisingly) already awake and doing coursework on his laptop.

“Morning,” my flatmate says, not looking up from his screen as I make myself some breakfast. “Heard you talking just now, I assumed it was Leanne, so I thought it best not to interrupt you.”

“It was actually Grandma,” I say quietly, biting my lip as my friend frowns.

“…Is she okay?” Lee asks.

“Same as always,” I reply with a shrug. “Think she’s still- still struggling with the new lockdown, heh.”

“Aren’t we all?” Lee chuckles. “Has she had her first dose of the vaccine yet? She’s surely qualified for it?”

“Not yet, but she probably will soon,” I reply. “The sooner we’re all jabbed, the better. Yes, that was a boxing pun.”

“Take it out on the bag, not on me,” Lee retorts, making me roll my eyes as he gestures to the pair of gloves and the punching bag set up in the corner of our living room (a joint Christmas and birthday present from Neil and Rob). “Are you going to FaceTime Leanne today at any point?”

“Probably, and yes, it will be just FACE time and not ‘everything else’ time,” I reply.

“Again, take it out on the bag,” Lee says. “Or the PS5, if you don’t mind waiting for me to finish this model.”

“I’m kinda wondering which would be more disruptive to you,” I say, giving the bag a gentle right-handed jab before sitting down with my toast and coffee.

“The PS5,” Lee replies. “The temptation would be too big, heh. Same reason you don’t call Leanne when you’re doing coursework, heh. Though you have my solemn vow that I have never and will never fuck our PS5.” You've still got further with it than I have with Leanne, though, I sarcastically think to myself.

“Well, let me know when you’re done,” I say. “God knows I’ve got nothing better to do today, heh.”

“Me either,” Lee says with a sigh.

I quickly finish my breakfast, and after a quick wash and a brush of my teeth (no point in showering as I’m not going anywhere today), I head back to the living room to find the PS5 already switched on and Lee immersed in a game of Fall Guys. Without saying another word, I pick up a controller and jump in to the game, relaxing as my best friend and I spend the morning and early afternoon gaming together.

After a quick lunch, Lee gets back to his coursework, which I take as my cue to retreat to my bedroom, ostensibly to work on mine. What actually happens, though, is that after switching my laptop on, I log straight into Zoom and within seconds, receive a call request that puts a wide grin on my face.

“Hey you,” my blonde-haired Canadian girlfriend says as her face appears on screen.

“Hey you,” I say with a grin as wide as Leanne’s. “Been up to much today?”

“Meh, just a load of maths,” my girlfriend replies. “Got it done ages ago, actually, then my uncle told me to take the rest of the afternoon off, heh. And- and everyone else in the office- well, ‘virtual office’ too, before you accuse me of nepotism, heh.”

“Like I ever would?” I reply, smirking as the pretty woman blushes.

“I do have the whole of tomorrow booked off as annual leave, though,” Leanne says. “Though I was kinda expecting that I wouldn’t have to spend it sat in front of a screen as well, heh.”

“Yeah,” I sigh sadly. “Though on the plus side, there’ll be no expectation to get dressed up, either.”

“Funny,” Leanne retorts with a smirk. “That’s definitely a benefit of working from home, though. Doubt I’d get away with wearing these in the office, heh!” I smile as Leanne stands up to show off the thick, comfortable-looking leggings she’s wearing on her lower half.

“Mmm,” I sigh happily as Leanne playfully wiggles her backside at the camera before sitting back down, her face as red as I've ever seen it.

“Don’t tell ANYONE I just did that,” Leanne threatens in a semi-serious voice.

“My lips are sealed,” I chuckle. “And I thought you didn’t like tight-fitting clothing?”

“Meh, I’m okay with ‘tight-fitting’ as long as it’s also comfortable,” Leanne replies. “Leggings are usually warm and made out of a breathable fabric, so- umm, yeah, are you- umm, I mean, do I need to tell you of all people this? Or, like, are you even interested? I mean, in, like, stuff like that?”

“…Kinda,” I reply. “In context, like. I mean, no, I’M never wearing anything like that again. But I certainly don’t hate it when you do!”

“Heh,” Leanne chuckles as she blushes again. “I’m- I’m glad you approve, like.”

“Yeah, I definitely more than just ‘approve’,” I chuckle, somehow reddening my girlfriend’s cheeks even further.

“Thanks,” Leanne whispers, before turning her head and showing me the very expensive-looking earrings hanging from her lobes. “I also got these- though I guess you’re, like, probably even less interested in them, heh.”

“…Maybe since my own piercings have healed over, heh,” I chuckle quietly, leading to an awkward silence as Leanne bites her lip nervously. “Who- umm, who gave you them, your aunt and uncle? They look expensive…”

“My- my parents, actually,” Leanne replies. “They ARE rich enough to pay for their daughter to study abroad for a year, heh. Even if the year didn’t exactly end the way any of us thought it would.”

“That’s for certain,” I chuckle. “Is- is your necklace from your parents as well?” I smile as Leanne playfully fiddles with the delicate chain around her neck, before her eyes almost bug out of her skull and she hastily disappears off-camera, returning seconds later without the necklace. “…Leanne?”

“It- it’s nothing,” the blonde girl mumbles, looking almost like she’s holding back tears. “It- heh. The necklace, it- it was a present from my ex-boyfriend.” Naturally, this makes me bristle- especially as Leanne has gone to great lengths in the past to dismiss any mention of him whenever we've talked.

“For- for this Christmas?” I ask, causing my girlfriend’s eyes to widen once again.

“Oh- oh, god no!” Leanne laughs. “It was- heh. It was actually for MY 21st birthday, last October. I brought it with me when I moved to London, even though we’d split up, and- yeah. Dunno what I was thinking when I put it on, heh. Sorry.” Naturally, I smile supportively as Leanne blushes yet again, even as I feel uneasy- it looked extremely expensive, and even though I don't want to know how much, my mouth forms the words before my brain can stop it.

“It- it looked expensive,” I say.

“It was- it was about, like, ten grand…” Leanne mumbles as my mouth drops open.

“What, like- like ten thousand Canadian dollars?” I ask, biting my lip as Leanne nods. “I- I’ve no idea what that is in British money, heh.”

“…About 5500, 6000-ish,” Leanne says as I flinch. Of course, she’d know that, working in finance…

“That- that’s a lot for a student,” I say, my voice involuntarily rising to a higher pitch.

“Well- yeah…” Leanne mumbles. “Not- not for an NHL player, though.”

“…Oh,” I say as my body suddenly starts to feel VERY tense.

“I did- I DID say he was a hockey player,” Leanne says.

“Yeah, but not a pro player,” I say as I feel a familiar tense feeling build up inside me. No doubt Leanne used to attend big parties and celebrations with her ex-boyfriend, met lots of celebrities, had countless other fancy, expensive gifts- in other words, all the stuff I'll never be able to give her.

“It- it’s not like he was Wayne Gretsky,” Leanne says. “He wasn’t even Brent Gretsky.”

“Umm, okay…” I mumble. “I- I really don’t know who either of those people are.” Fortunately, this brings a smirk to my girlfriend's face, which immediately lessens my tension.

“What, not- not even Wayne Gretsky?” My girlfriend asks- though she’s still clearly feeling uncomfortable, just as I am.

“…Do you know who Thierry Henry is?” I retort, finally relaxing as Leanne giggles and blushes.

“…With a name like that, he MIGHT be Canadian, maybe?” Leanne says, before giggling again. “Eh, maybe we should steer clear of the subject of sport for the time being, heh.”

“Good idea,” I say, smiling and fully decompressing as my girlfriend giggles again.

“And for the record,” Leanne says, “I broke up with Niall because he was an insensitive moron who cared more about his career and his fame than anything else, least of all me.”

“Yeah, well, that kinda sounds like one of my exes,” I think to myself with a sigh. More than one of my exes, I think to myself, but definitely one in particular. “Maybe we should steer clear of THAT topic too?”

“Good idea!” Leanne giggles. “So… are you looking forward to tomorrow?”

“Well… yes and no, really,” I reply. “I mean, yes, it’s my birthday- my 21st, even- and I am looking forward to spending time with my friends, but- yeah. Funny definition of ‘with’ when everyone’s going to be on a screen, like we are right now. Then again, better that type of party than last year.”

“Yeah,” Leanne whispers, clearly feeling awkward at the memory of what happened last year, even though we hadn't so much as met back then. “Still, though, I guess this year, you know, it’s only going to be people there who you want to be there?”

“Well- true,” I say. “And I’m looking forward to introducing you to everyone, too. Well, those you don’t already know- huh, which I guess is just Neil and Rob, now that I come to think of it.”

“Your friends from Cardiff?” Leanne asks, smiling as I nod. “Lee actually sent me the video of you all on Robot Wars just before Christmas, it looked really fun!”

“It was a lot of hard work as well,” I say, before remembering that I was only there for part of the recording. “Did he- did he send you the video of, like, the final?”

“…Yeah,” Leanne whispers. “I can- I can kinda see why you were attracted to her, the ginger-haired girl, she’s very- very outgoing.”

“TOO outgoing,” I immediately retort, earning a smile from my girlfriend. “And I thought we were steering clear of the topic of exes?”

“Sorry- sorry, my bad,” Leanne says, chuckling as she holds up her hands in mock surrender. “So… what would you rather talk about?”

“You,” I reply with a shrug. “Us. All the things we’re going to do once we’re actually allowed to do them.” I grin as Leanne once again blushes at my comment. “As well as THAT.”

“ALL the stuff we’re both looking forward to, then?” Leanne replies with a devilish grin as I relax back onto my elbows, finally free of my stress- at least, for now.

My girlfriend and I continue talking for another 3 hours about everything going on in our lives right now, though the time passes by in what feels like an instant. Ultimately, though, Leanne is called away for her dinner, prompting me to return to our living room where Lee is busy preparing ours.

“Not getting takeout today, then?” I ask my flatmate as I grab a beer and sit down on the sofa.

“Just felt like trying out one of the recipes in that book dad got me for Christmas,” Lee replies. “And you have to admit, it DOES smell better than yet another Domino’s, doesn’t it?”

“Well- yes,” I say, before biting my lip and frowning. “It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that your ex-girlfriend might be coming round later this evening with my birthday cake, would it?” I flinch as Lee stares at me angrily, before sighing.

“…Not ENTIRELY,” my best friend sighs. “I just- ugh, I dunno. Not all of us can keep a love life going during a global pandemic, you know? And yes, I know Jacinta’s now engaged to that Tom guy, but- meh, I dunno. It won’t KILL me to learn how to cook properly, you know? And it’s not all that different from engineering, when you think about it- you have to put things in the right places at the right time, so- yep.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “Got anything planned for the evening? Other than hiding in your bedroom when Jacinta drops round, anyway?”

“Funny,” Lee snorts. “Just more coursework, that’s all. Seeing as I’m probably going to get precisely jack shit done tomorrow, heh.”

“Well- yeah, probably,” I chuckle. “I’ll probably just take the Switch into my room then, give you some peace.”

“Sure,” Lee says with a smirk. “Never realised you could do naked FaceTime on a Switch.” I frown as my friend lets out a smug snort of laughter.

“Who ever said anything about naked FaceTime?” I ask.

“You did for the last couple of hours, while you were talking to Leanne,” Lee replies, his grin widening. “On the other side of a ridiculously thin wall that backs onto the living room. I mean- how long exactly have you lived here that you DIDN’T know that?”

“…Leanne’s a really quiet speaker,” I feebly mumble in my defence.

“I never said it was her that I could hear,” Lee retorts as I roll my eyes again. “On the plus side, if you can spend three hours just talking to her- shirt or no shirt- surely that’s a good thing?”

“Definitely,” I say with a smile as Lee removes his dish from the oven and serves up our dinner.

After dinner, as I promised Lee, I returned to my bedroom and whiled away the evening playing on our Switch, browsing the web or trying (and failing) to do coursework. Eventually, though, and despite my anticipation of tomorrow, tiredness overtakes me, and I climb into bed- though not before sending a ‘goodnight’ message to Leanne.

The following morning, I am once again woken by my phone’s ringtone rather than my alarm, and a quick glance at the caller ID reveals it’s the same caller as yesterday- though this time, I allow myself a smile as I answer the call.

“Hel-“ I begin, only to be immediately interrupted.

“Twenty-one today!” Grandma sings loudly into her phone. “Twenty-one today! You’ve got the key to the door, never been twenty-one before!”

“…Thanks,” I say quietly.

“Happy birthday, Ian!” Grandma cheers. “Have you been up long?”

“Umm, I haven’t even got up yet,” I reply with a tired chuckle.

“Well, you don’t turn twenty-one every day!” Grandma playfully chastises me. “You want to be up and enjoying your day as soon as possible!”

“I will, I will,” I chuckle. “Not that there’s much to actually do, but- yeah.”

“Of course,” Grandma says. “Oh- your mother wants to speak to you.” Of course she does, I think to myself. May as well get this over and done with quickly.

“Okay,” I whisper, taking a deep breath as I hear the phone being handed over.

“Hello K- Ian,” mum says, her voice instantly making my blood pressure rise. “Happy birthday!”

“Th- thanks,” I say, trying to remain as stoic as possible under the circumstances.

“You should already have our presents for you at your flat in London,” mum says. “Of course, we haven’t been able to get you much, due to covid affecting how much I earn and how much your father gives me each month, but we’ve done what we can.”

“Th- thanks, I do appreciate it,” I say, closing my eyes as I try desperately to remind myself that unlike my entire childhood, my mother is at least making an effort to be empathic towards me. Nonetheless, it’s hard to forget the number of times I was required to be grateful to my mother for things that I truly hated…

“We had set up a trust fund for you, your father and I,” mum continues as I try to will her to hand the phone back to Grandma. “Of course, after the divorce he just helped himself to everything in there, the greedy ba-“ Thankfully, my mother’s whine is cut short by the sound of the telephone exchanging hands.

“Hello again, Ian,” Grandma says as I breathe a sigh of relief. “Sorry about that, your- your mother’s not feeling very well right now, she isn’t.”

“Okay,” I say, not even bothering to ask if her ‘illness’ is covid-related- I know all too well that it’s related to the same recurring ‘episodes’ that my mother’s been having ever since I was an infant.

“I’ll let you get back to celebrating your birthday now,” Grandma says. “Do you know when you’ll next be back in Cardiff?”

“Umm, when Boris and Chris Whitty say I can, I suppose,” I reply with a shrug.

“Ah- of course,” Grandma says. “Well, I hope you have a wonderful day regardless!”

“Thanks,” I say with a tired smile. “Talk soon!” The smile remains on my face as I end the call, but I let out a long, tired groan as I toss my phone onto my bed and flop back down myself.

As always, I’ve only spoken to my mother for less than 30 seconds, but it’s still sent my head into a spin. This trust fund, though, is news to me. I knew that some of my more well-off friends- well, ‘Kayleigh-Ann’s’ ‘friends’- had them to look forward to when they were older, and I’d suspected the same thing about myself in the past but had never known for certain. God knows I never dared ask mum- she’d have just accused me of being ungrateful and selfish (as per usual), and if I asked Craig, he’d probably be angry that he’d have had to acknowledge my existence for longer than five seconds. I briefly contemplate whether or not I should give Craig a taste of his own medicine and sue him for the withheld trust fund- it’s money I could use, after all- but I quickly realise that to do so, I’d need to hire a lawyer, and my only options there would be to hire a cheap lawyer like Ross and watch the lawsuit take forever, or ask for Janet Bean’s help, which means either re-signing with Heavenly Talent- which Joshua and Jonathan have reassured me will never happen- or paying for her myself, meaning I might end up out of pocket even if I do gain access to the trust fund. Either way, after last year, the last thing my mental health needs right now is the stress of another lawsuit, even if I would be the plaintiff this time.

With a heavy sigh, I drag myself out of bed and pull on my warm dressing gown before checking my phone for any other messages. Unsurprisingly, I have a few notifications from Facebook waiting for me- the usual generic ‘happy birthday’ posts on my wall and the occasional gif- but when I scroll through them, I come across something that makes me sit back down again with a shudder.

One of Facebook’s features is to remind you of posts you made on the same day any number of years ago. It’s not something I’ve ever used- ‘Kayleigh-Ann’s’ Facebook profile has long since been consigned to history- but many of my friends will post such memories, and my former dance teacher is one of them. Today, Ms. Fullerton- or Krystie, as she now insists I address her- has posted a memory from 5 years ago labelled ‘clearing out the old studio'. In the photo are a group of teenaged girls helping to clean the old school… and I’m one of them.

The image isn’t very clear- I’m not the focus of the photo, after all- and it was taken after I cut my hair short, but the image is very clearly of me, and of a girl- slender, with long, shapely legs and two very noticeable 'bumps' on her chest. Shortly after the photo was taken, I was coerced into a pair of pink tights, a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes and made to dance to ‘celebrate’ turning sixteen. And while all photographic evidence of that event has thankfully been erased, my memories haven’t, and no matter how much I try to deny it, there was a time when my name WAS Kayleigh-Ann, and- externally, at least- I WAS a girl.

However, a quick glance in my mirror is enough to confirm that that is most certainly not true anymore. Even underneath my dressing gown, it’s easy to tell that those 'bumps' on my chest have gone, and my muscles are defined. My hair is short, and my face is covered in fine, wispy stubble. But most of all, I just ‘look’ like a man. Four and a half years of being ‘Ian’ has changed not just my body, but my body language as well. ‘Kayleigh-Ann’ was always prim and proper- my (thankfully deceased) witch of a paternal grandmother wouldn’t have it any other way. ‘Ian’, on the other hand, very much carries 'him'self like a man- not in a slouchy way, but you'd certainly never guess that 'he' had taken over a decade of ballet lessons. My name is not ‘Kayleigh-Ann’. I am not a girl. And I never, ever will be again.

What I will be, however, is a man, and today above all days is proof of that- as is the scene that greets me when I leave my bedroom.

“Happy birthday!” Lee yells- as do the dozen-or-so faces on our TV.

“Oh- what?” I say with a chuckle as I examine the scene. As well as the Zoom call with all my friends from London and Cardiff, two large numbers made from red cellophane- a ‘2’ and a ‘1’- have been hung either side of the fireplace, along with the crest of my beloved Arsenal FC, a towel-sized Welsh flag and a print of the tattoo I proudly bear on my right bicep. And, of course, there are a large pile of presents on the sofa. “Th- thanks guys, thank you all so much, this is- heh. This is pretty awesome, this is!”

“You only turn 21 once,” Stuart says from the TV with a brotherly smile. “And it would be just your luck that yours just happens to fall in the middle of the biggest global pandemic for a century, heh.”

“Well, for what it’s worth,” I say, “I’m already enjoying my twenty-first more than my twentieth, heh.” I bite my lip as an awkward silence fills my room and the rooms of everyone else on the call- I of all people shouldn't have brought up the events of last year. “Umm, anyway, thanks all for getting up so early, heh.”

“As if we’d miss this,” Nikki chuckles. “I- I know you don’t like being the centre of attention, but there’s no way we’re not going to make a fuss out of our little brother, especially on today of all days.”

“Believe me, I do appreciate it,” I say. “And yes, I’ll repay the favour at your next birthdays, heh.”

“You’d better,” Ellie- whose own 21st birthday is less than 2 months away- teases with a grin.

“Now come on!” Nikki orders. “Get opening!” I smile as I sit down on the sofa next to my present pile and start unwrapping.

Naturally, all of my gifts have clearly been carefully thought out, from things like videogames and DVDs to shaving kits and gym equipment (I've wanted a set of ankle weights for a while now). Even the ‘trendier’ presents are great, which includes stuff like designer aftershave from Stephanie and a new shirt made by Nikki's wife, which is especially cool as she rarely if ever makes men's clothes, but managed to get my style exactly right. My favourite present, though, isn’t the most expensive, but is the most special because of who sent it.

“…Thanks, Leanne,” I say with a wide, genuine grin as I hold up the chrome coffee mug with the words 'Cymro rhywiog' (which thankfully goes over the head of the non-Welsh speakers on the call), while my girlfriend blushes in her corner of the screen.

“I- I saw it online and thought, you know, it’d be perfect for you,” Leanne says in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Well I love it,” I enthuse. “I really do, honestly.”

“Get a room!” Neil yells, earning eyerolls from all of the girls on the call and snorts of laughter from all of the guys except me- well, me and one other guy.

“That IS my cousin you’re talking about,” Reuben growls, before shaking his head and laughing himself. “Though I’m sure that if they COULD right now…”

“BOY,” Jacinta chastises the young brown-haired man, before turning back to face her camera. “And, of course, you’ve still got one present that I only put the finishing touches to this morning…” I- along with the rest of the call- let out excited squeaks as my friend holds up a delicious-looking cake that while small, looks extremely rich and sweet.

“That looks amazing, thank you so much!” I gush as my friend continues to display her handiwork for the camera.

“It’s a chocolate sponge, with honeycomb buttercream icing,” Jacinta explains as I try not to drool. “I remember you telling me how much you love Crunchies, hehe! I also made some of these…” Everyone on the call- myself included- ‘ooh’s as Jacinta holds up a small, clear plastic bag filled with freshly baked pastries.

“Oh, PLEASE tell me you made some extra,” Nikki whines. “I’ve still got withdrawal symptoms from the pains au chocolat you made for Sarah’s birthday last month…”

“You regularly eat your wife’s pastries, do you?” Jacinta retorts with a snort of laughter, before she and Nikki roll their eyes at the loud ‘wahey’ let out by all the boys on the call.

“There ARE kids on the call, you guys know?” Nikki sighs.

“I’m the only ‘kid’ on the call and I actually kinda found it funny,” Ashley says with a smug grin as I chuckle, though a quick glance at Leanne in the bottom-right hand corner shows she clearly doesn't find it as funny.

It actually takes a minute for me to realise that what’s no doubt making her anxious is the fact that whether or like it or not, the innuendo Jacinta used to refer to Nikki's wife applies just as much to me as it does her, and the pandemic’s effect on health services means that isn’t going to change anytime soon. And this means that when Leanne and I are finally 'physical' with each other, I will still have my ‘pastry’. As much as I may try to convince myself and everyone else that I’m a man- and as much as everyone present right now genuinely accepts me, the fact is that apart from Laura, nobody on the call has ever seen me naked, let alone had sex with me- and this includes my girlfriend. Then again, the 'compatibility' problem did ultimately get resolved with Ella and with Chloe- and was never even an issue with Laura, despite our 'equipment' being 'backwards' in every sense of the word. And after all, it’s not like sex is all that matters in a relationship. Even if all this talk of ‘eating pastry’ is making me hungry for more than just a dessert…

“Second youngest, also thought it was funny,” Jade says, raising her hand and giggling.

“Yeah, well, hardly surprising that the two of you would agree with each other,” Ellie teases her sister, making ‘kissy faces’ as Jade and Ashley start to blush.

“Ooh,” Nikki coos. “Has there been another lockdown romance blossoming?”

“Shut up,” Ashley mumbles. “I thought this was meant to be Ian’s party, and he’s meant to be the centre of attention?”

“Don’t mind me,” I say, sitting back and grinning as Jade and Ashley playfully jeer me. And I certainly don’t mind them ‘hogging the limelight’- partly because of my aversion to the limelight, but mostly because I (and no doubt, everyone else) have really missed simply sitting back and having fun with my friends, just like we're doing now. Especially when I'm not the one being teased.

“This isn’t the REAL party anyway,” Nikki says with a smug grin of her own. “This is just us reminding Ian who his real family is.” I couldn’t have put it better myself, I think to myself as I shrug off one sleeve of my dressing gown and proudly display my ‘Fellowship’ tattoo, which is still prominent among the many others I’ve gained in the last three years.

“Real family where two of the younger sisters have been snogging each other in secret,” Ellie continues to tease.

“We have not snogged!” Jade protests. “…We wouldn’t be allowed to anyway with lockdown and everything.” Needless to say, this otherwise innocuous comment makes me fidget in my seat, and a quick glance at the screen shows that Leanne’s also feeling uncomfortable at the reminder that our first kiss nearly ended in disaster. The awkward silence that falls over the call is a sure sign that everyone else remembers it, too…

“Anyway,” Stuart says, “we’d better let you enjoy your day, heh. And I’m sure Jacinta wants to get that cake to you before Snikki break into her place to steal the pains au chocolat, heh.” I chuckle along with everyone else as Nikki pouts, before letting out a gentle giggle.

“Are we going to be gigging remotely tonight?” Ellie- the music student- asks. “During the party, I mean.”

“That’s the plan,” Stuart says with a grin. “No obligation for the birthday boy to join in, though he’s more than welcome to with his bass, heh!”

“I'll see how drunk I am later before making up my mind,” I chuckle. “Are you taking requests?”

“We might be able to fit a few in,” Stuart chuckles. “In the meantime, though, I’ve got a three-year-old who needs to use the internet for a virtual playdate, so I’ll have to love you and leave you all now. See you later Ian, don’t eat too much cake!”

“Bye!” I say with a grin as my mentor leaves the call.

“On the subject of ‘cake’, I’d better bring these round to you while they’re still fresh,” Jacinta says with a wide grin as she holds up her freshly baked treats. “See you in a bit, Ian!”

“See you!” I chuckle, waving as my friend drops off the call.

“And while you two are on holiday, some of us do still have actual work to do,” Nikki teases. “Happy birthday, Ian- see you later tonight!”

“Bye!” I chuckle, bidding farewell to my friends as they drop off the call one by one, until it's just myself and my girlfriend remaining. Well, the two of us and one other, anyway.

“And on that, I think I’ll give the two of you some privacy,” Lee says, getting out of his chair and giving me a pat on the shoulder en route to his bedroom. “Let me know if you need anything, like, a towel or something.” I snort with laughter and give my best friend a shove as he keeps laughing all the way to his room.

“…Boys,” Leanne playfully chastises with a laugh and a shake of her head. “And yes, that’s meant at least partly as a compliment.”

“Thank you,” I reply with a smug grin, before sighing sadly. “And it still sucks that we have to spend time together like this, but- yeah. Covid was bad enough once, heh.”

“I’m not really in a mood for a rematch either,” Leanne chuckles tiredly. “Though I do wish we could’ve at least woken up together, like, so I could’ve given you, you know, a ‘private present’…” I grin as my girlfriend teases me, though I soon start to fidget as I remember the earlier discussion of 'pastry'.

“Yeah…” I say awkwardly.

“Is- did I say something wrong?” Leanne asks with a concerned frown.

“Ehh, it- it’s nothing YOU’ve said, really,” I reply. “It’s more- heh. Let’s just- let’s just say that, like, I- well, as you know, I’m not ‘like other guys’, no matter what you said just now about me and Lee.”

“Well, I- I DO know that,” Leanne says. “And I, like, know that we’d have to be, like, ‘different’ in bed together. I just kinda thought we’d, you know, make it up as we went along when it finally came down to it.”

“Well- yeah, I suppose,” I say. “I just- ugh, I dunno. I guess I’m just a bit, like, anxious as it’s been so long since I’ve actually had sex, heh.”

“Me too,” Leanne sighs, before biting her lip nervously. “You know, we ARE both adults, and it’s not like anyone else is on the call, or in the room with us…”

“…Really?” I ask, smirking as the usually shy girl blushes.

“Unless- unless, you know, you’re self-conscious about, well, showing me ‘it’. ‘Cause, like, I get how you might be, so- yeah…” I bite my lip nervously as I ponder my girlfriend’s request- she’s obviously not making the request maliciously, or out of any desire to mock me, but out of curiosity. And after all, when covid restrictions end, she’s going to have a lot of contact with ‘it’, so she’s going to have to see ‘it’ sooner or later…

I take a deep breath as I stand up from my sofa and shrug off my dressing gown, trying not to shiver in the cold December air. With my hands almost frozen with nerves, I slowly lower my pyjama bottoms, biting my lip as the cold air makes contact with my vulva while Leanne watches on stoically, making me increasingly tense as she shows no outward feelings about what she sees.

“Do you- do you want, like, a closer look?” I ask hesitantly, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief as my girlfriend smiles and shakes her head.

“It’s okay,” Leanne whispers. “I get that can’t have been an easy thing for you to do but I- I do appreciate that you, like, trust me enough to do it.”

“Of course I do,” I say, widening my girlfriend’s smile. “And if, like, you want to ask anything, I won’t mind.” I smile sympathetically as the blonde-haired woman blushes again, before taking a deep breath.

“Well, there is- there is kinda, like, one thing,” Leanne says hesitantly. “And feel free to tell me to shut up, but do you- do you still, like, have, umm, ‘problems’ every month?”

“Not for a while now, thank god,” I reply. “The hormones I take make sure of that, though I will be happier once the, well, ‘problem’ has been permanently removed. ‘Removed’ meant in a literal sense, like. It was meant to happen this summer, but, well- yeah.”

“Yeah,” Leanne says. “So you- and again, tell me if this is none of my business- you don’t care about, like, having children?”

“…Well, if we’re going to be in a relationship, it’s not unreasonable for you to ask that, I suppose,” I say as I pull my pyjamas up and sit back down, sensing that the conversation has already passed its erotic 'peak'. “And to answer your question, no, not even remotely. I want to forget that I was ever female, and, well, being pregnant is about as big a reminder as it’s possible to get. I actually pissed off a few people online when I talked about it on Twitter, people actually accusing me of ‘erasing womanhood’ by having a hysterectomy. Ironically, these same people spend a lot of their time moaning about bodily autonomy, the right to abortions and all that.”

“Bigots are hypocrites, eh?” Leanne chuckles. “Who’d ever have thought?”

“Me, Stuart and a couple of our other transmasculine friends have an agreement, actually,” I laugh. “If we ever encounter any TERF who gives any of our transfeminine friends grief about using the ladies’ room, saying ‘they should use toilets appropriate for the gender they were assigned at birth’ or shit like that, we’re all going to march straight into the ladies’ room based on that logic and watch their heads explode, heh.”

“I would LOVE to see that,” Leanne giggles. “Not many girls who’d be proud of their hunky boyfriend following a load of other guys into the ladies’ room, but I guess context is the important thing, heh.”

“Especially in summer, when I can walk around like this,” I say with a grin as I lift my t-shirt off to show off my fledgling pecs and abs. “Assuming you can see any muscles under my tattoos, anyway, heh.”

“Tattoos or no tattoos, I do like the view,” Leanne giggles. “I- heh. I actually, you know, read up on how transmasculine guys, well, ‘pass’. I figured that if I was dating a trans man, it wouldn’t hurt to, you know, understand him a bit more.”

“…Which you could’ve done simply by asking me what you wanted to know,” I say, smirking as Leanne giggles and blushes.

“I wish I’d known that before buying one of these,” the blonde woman says as she holds up a long, beige strip of fabric that I instantly recognise. “You- you do know what this is, right?”

“All too well,” I chuckle as Leanne holds the elasticated bandage closer to the camera. “Wrapped one of those around my chest for months when I started further education college. Before I discovered, like, ‘special’ vests that did the job much better. Why do you have one?”

“To try to, like, understand you better,” Leanne replies as her cheeks redden further. “So I, like, bought one- they’re not THAT expensive, like- and wore one for a bit, and I know I’m not, like, the most ‘shapely’ woman in the world, but after 15 minutes I swore I would never complain again about having to wear a bra.”

“Yeah, they- they’re not the most comfortable things in the world,” I chuckle as I try to process the gesture my girlfriend made. “You- you really did that for- for me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Leanne asks, a nervous grin spreading across her face. “We’re a couple, aren’t we? And I’m not going to ask you to, like, return the favour, ‘cause I figure you’ve probably already had enough of, you know, ‘that’, heh.”

“Thanks,” I say, before grinning and rolling my eyes as a knock comes from our front door. “Heh, Jacinta must’ve sprinted over here! I’ll be right back.”

“Sure,” Leanne says, mirroring my smile. When I open the front door, though, my smile fades, as it isn’t my tall transgender friend standing there, but my petite ginger-haired ex-girlfriend.

“Hi Ian!” Chloe says with her usual bubbly giggle as my anxiety levels start to sharply rise. “Happy birthday!”

“Ch- Chloe!?” I exclaim. “What are you doing here?”

“Chloe?” I hear Leanne say from the TV screen, making me grimace.

“Who’s that?” Chloe asks with a bemused look. “Has someone else moved in? You’re not allowed actual indoor visitors, otherwise I assume you’d have invited me in already…”

“What- what are you even doing here?” I ask.

“Well, to wish you a happy 21st birthday, of course!” Chloe giggles, before thrusting an elaborately decorated envelope into my hands. “It- it’s just a little something, heh. Something to hopefully help you remember the good times we had, you know.”

“Umm, okay…” I say, my mind tying itself in knots as I think about the good times I did indeed have with the girl stood in front of me- and the good times I’m hoping to have with the girl whose face is on our living room TV. And, annoyingly, the good times I could potentially have had- or maybe even, potentially have- with the girl stood in front of me.

“Well, I- I should go,” Chloe says with a giggle. “Covid, you know…”

“Umm, yeah,” I mumble, still in a daze about the whole situation. “It- it was, umm…” Nice seeing her? I think to myself. ‘Nice’ isn’t the word I’d use…

“Well, I’ll see you later then!” Chloe giggles, making me frown with confusion.

“L- later?” I ask.

“You ARE having a Zoom party, right?” Chloe asks, smiling as I involuntarily (and with immediate regret) nod. “Cool! Well, see you later!”

“Uh-huh,” I mumble, my head continuing to spin as I close the door and try to get my breath back. It’s been months since I’ve had any contact with Chloe and even longer since I last saw her in the flesh. Why she’s suddenly chosen now to insert herself back into my life is beyond me- maybe she’s lonely, maybe she genuinely regrets how things ended between us, maybe she’s jealous of my relationship with Lean-

“Shit!” I hiss as it dawns on me that Leanne probably heard that entire conversation… and a quick glance at my TV screen shows that our call has come to an end [wording]. “Fuckkkkkkkk…”

“Everything alright out there?” Lee asks, clearly confused by my outburst. “Has my ex left yet?”

“No, but mine has,” I moan, prompting my flatmate to leave his bedroom, clearly even more confused by my reply. “Chloe dropped round.”

“Oh- what?” Lee sighs. “No one got her hint taking lessons for Christmas, then?”

“It was never her strong suit,” I snort as I hand Chloe’s present to Lee. “She- she gave me this. I’m almost afraid to open it…”

“Well- okay, I CAN take a hint,” Lee says as he starts to open the envelope. “Umm… assuming you want me to open this, like?” My friend smiles supportively and continues as I nod.

“I don’t think I dare open it myself,” I mumble as I try not to blush with shame. “And I’m going to need to call Leanne back, too. Naturally Chloe drops round while we’re chatting priva-“

“Whoa!” Lee yells, his eyes almost bulging out of his head as he interrupts my train of thought. “Eesh- eh- well, when you call her back, best not to show her the front of Chloe’s card.”

“Is it bad?” I ask.

“That really, really depends on how you define ‘bad’,” Lee says as he heads to the kitchen and sets up our paper shredder. “I’ll put it to you this way- it’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but definitely something I haven’t. On- on Chloe, I mean. But, like, something I HAVE seen before on Jaci-“

“Yes, yes, okay, message received and understood,” I sigh, before feeling my tension levels rise as Lee holds the card over the shredder (with the back facing me, thankfully).

“…I don’t want to do this until you tell me to,” Lee says quietly.

“Do it,” I reply without hesitation, breathing a sigh of relief as the card is ripped into tiny slivers, but deep inside, I also feel a pang of regret. Chloe was my first serious girlfriend, and I genuinely loved her. A lot. To the extent that I’m forced to admit- at least to myself- that I’m still hung up on her. And the fact that she sent me a naked picture of herself on the front of a birthday card means that, in all likelihood, she’s hung up on me too. Or she’s been single for a while and is desperate for ANY companionship, possibly because everyone she dates sees her as just as psycho as I do.

…Or, more likely, she’s been single for this long because it’s really hard to meet someone in the middle of a global pandemic. That didn’t stop me and Leanne from getting together, though. Assuming we are still together after Chloe’s little stunt, anyway…

“I, umm, I- I should call Leanne back,” I mumble, prompting Lee to immediately spring into action by putting the shredder away and heading back to his bedroom. Before he disappears, though, he places a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“…You okay?” Lee asks softly, smiling and giving my shoulder another pat as I nod.

“I will be,” I say, though inside, I keep the words ‘depending on what Leanne says’ to myself. Assuming she has anything to say to me, or even answers my call…

Thankfully, when I call her, she answers within seconds- though as she pops up on our big screen again, it's immediately obvious that she's been crying.

“H- hi,” I whisper nervously, barely containing tears of my own.

“Hi,” Leanne says, her face betraying her conflicted feelings. “Has- has Chloe gone?”

“Yeah, she- she couldn’t stay,” I reply, trying desperately to keep hold of my own emotions while bracing myself for the end of yet another relationship. Only I could get dumped on my 21st birthday. And if the worst should happen, I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t go running back to Chloe…

“Because of- of covid, right?” Leanne asks with an expectant look on her face, clearly telling me there is only one correct answer to this question.

“…No,” I reply. “She left because I wanted her to leave. She gave me a birthday card, and I- it was shredded.”

“Okay,” Leanne says in a clipped voice. “Do you- do you have the shredded, like, bits still?”

“Umm, in the bin, but okay,” I say, heading to the kitchen to grab the thin strips of cardboard out of our recycling bin and holding them up to the camera to show to my girlfriend. However, despite my confident smile, I know deep down that Leanne doesn’t- can’t- trust me as much as she did 15 minutes ago, and what she says next only makes that feeling worse.

“…Why is there a nipple on that card?” Leanne asks, and before I can catch myself, I find myself looking at the shredded card to confirm her suspicions and grimacing when I see the offending body part.

“I- I didn’t see what was on the card,” I say, my heart beating faster as I try desperately to save my sinking relationship. “Lee, he- he opened the card, saw was on the front of it, and destroyed it when I told him to. He’ll back me up if you ask him.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Leanne says in an almost accusing tone. “Just like I don’t doubt that the two of you are closer than brothers and would do anything for each other. But… you DID destroy the card, I guess, and you didn’t try to hide it from me… ugh. I- I’m sorry, Ian, I should’ve trusted you more, but- yeah. Kinda had bad experiences with- well, my exes and their exes, heh.”

“I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with THAT ex of mine,” I snort. “Don’t remember if I told you about her and one of my best friends from my course?”

“No, but I can kinda, like, infer,” Leanne mumbles, before sighing. “I- I’m sorry, Ian. God knows this probably isn’t how you want to spend your 21st birthday, heh.” True, I think to myself, though it is a relief to know that your relationship with your ex is more like me and Chloe than, say, Lee and Jacinta.

“Well, either way it’s not your fault, heh,” I chuckle. “I’m just glad that you’re not breaking up with me, heh.”

“Oh- why would I ever want to break up with you?” Leanne asks with a shy chuckle. “I lo- I, umm, I really like you. Being with you, like.”

“I- I really like you too,” I say. And I know what you actually wanted to say, I think to myself. But it’s okay if you’re not ready to say it just yet. “I wish- I wish we could be together, like, more literally. As in, not socially distanced or whatever.”

“Me too,” Leanne whispers. “But that’s like, covid’s fault. Even if there is a silly part of me that wants to now blame that on Chloe too, heh.”

“She’s a handy scapegoat,” I say, earning a genuine giggle from my girlfriend. “But she needs to learn that I’ve moved on to bi- umm, better things. A better girl. Person, like.”

“Compliment accepted,” Leanne giggles. “Even the ‘bigger’ part, heh.”

“Thanks,” I mumble.

“But anyway, umm,” Leanne says as her cheeks start to turn a very bright shade of red, “Would you- I mean, would it help if I, you know, sent a photo of, like- you know, ‘me’?” I frown in confusion as I wonder why my girlfriend sending me a photo of herself would be such a big deal, until a few seconds later I realise exactly what type of photos she’s referring to.

“…Oh,” I say, my eyes widening as my girlfriend giggles bashfully.

“I mean, you DID kinda show me yours,” Leanne says as I try to process her offer- though despite me being as sex-deprived as I am, given what just happened a few minutes ago, the offer does make me feel uncomfortable.

“Don’t- don’t feel that you need to, like ‘compete’ with Chloe,” I say. “You’ve already, you know, ‘won’.”

“And you’re my prize?” Leanne asks in a teasing voice that makes me blush. “It’s okay, and if, you know, you don’t want me to send-“

“It- it’s not that I don’t WANT them,” I say. “I just, you know, don’t want you to feel that you have to send them, like.”

“…Thanks,” Leanne says, before letting out a sigh. “Makes a change from other guys I’d chat with online, who’d demand nudes within, like minutes of meeting me, heh.” I bite my lip as I consider my response- but considering Leanne’s earlier reaction to my ‘openness’, I feel I’m safe opening up once again.

“…Yeah, me too,” I say, earning a surprised but sympathetic look from the Canadian woman. “Back when I was still, well, ‘as born’, mum would encourage me to chat online to boys she’d ‘researched’ for me, usually footballers, musicians, that sort of thing. I eventually lost count of the number of times I was asked. It gets worse when you realise that I was only fifteen at the time.”

“Jeez,” Leanne grimaces. “I can’t imagine how it could get any worse than that.”

“Well, then imagine your mother saying that sending the photos wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” I reply, allowing myself a smirk at the look of horror that comes over my girlfriend’s face. “Especially when the boy in question was rich or influential. And it was those boys who were usually the biggest creeps of the lot.”

“They sound like my ex,” Leanne sneers. “And I know it sounds as weird as what I said earlier about going into the ladies’ room, but somehow, other guys asking you for nudes makes you even more perfect boyfriend material, heh!”

“Thanks,” I chuckle. “The fact that I can talk about stuff like this with you makes you perfect girlfriend material, heh!”

“Dunno about ‘perfect’,” Leanne mumbles as her cheeks redden again. “And thanks.” The two of us share a brief smile, though this almost instantly vanishes when a knock comes from our front door.

“Fuck’s sake,” I mutter under my breath as Leanne suddenly looks VERY anxious. “Don’t- don’t hang up, please. I’ll tell her to go away, I promise.” Leanne nervously nods as I get up with a determined, almost angry look on my face, though when I answer the door, it isn’t my ex-girlfriend on my doorstep.

“Happy birthday, birthday boy!” Jacinta cheers, holding up a plastic bag full of baked treats and a large cardboard box. “…Ian? You look like you’re about to murder someone! Have you been playing too much Call of Duty again?”

“Ugh, s- sorry, Jacinta,” I sigh as I take the box and bag from her. “It’s just- it’s just that Chloe dropped round a few minutes ago, and- yeah…”

“Ugh, I thought I recognised her,” Jacinta spits.

“She- she’s not still outside, is she?” I ask, my anxiety levels rising again.

“No, I passed her heading back toward the tube station,” Jacinta replies. “Though she did look pretty pleased with herself… PLEASE tell me you haven’t done what I think you’ve done?” Before I can reply, Lee’s bedroom door opens and he charges out with an angry look on his face, only to stop dead in his tracks when he sees his ex-girlfriend stood in our doorway.

“What- oh, um, hi Jacinta,” Lee mumbles, his face turning even redder than Leanne's face has done so far today. “I- umm, I thought-“

“Thought I was Chloe?” Jacinta asks with an embarrassed grin of her own behind her mask. “That’s okay, I- I get it. I think birthday boy did too, heh. I, umm, I made you some of those sausage rolls you like, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Lee mumbles, before heading back into his bedroom while I share a laugh with our visitor.

“Ahh, heh,” I chuckle. “I shouldn’t laugh, I mean, for all intents and purposes he IS my brother, but- yep.”

“Yeah,” Jacinta giggles. “You two are like the male version of me and Ophelia, really. Only Lee makes gadgets and robots instead of cool clothes, heh.”

“Which are also cool,” I say, earning a smile and a nod from my fellow ‘Fellowship’ member. “But so are all these, so many, many thanks!”

“You’re very welcome, ‘little bro’!” Jacinta teases, giggling as I blush.

“Do you have any more deliveries today?” I ask as I examine the bag of treats.

“Just a couple,” Jacinta replies. “Dropping off a couple of pains au chocolat to Snikki before they send a hitman round to my house, heh, and a couple of cupcakes to Mary and Dan for their kids. So nowhere near as many Christmas cakes as I had to deliver last week, heh!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle, before opening the cake box and salivating at what I see inside. Jacinta's cake is a rich milk chocolate honeycomb and fudge cake with 'IDF 21' and the transgender symbol written on the top in white whipped cream. And, of course, it smells almost intoxicatingly delicious.

“So, when exactly are you going on Bake Off again?” I ask, smirking as my ‘big sis’ rolls her eyes.

“When I get a bit more experience,” Jacinta replies. “I’ve only been baking for seven months…”

“Well, this is amazing, honestly,” I say, a smile creeping across my face as a plan forms in my mind, followed by a wince as I remember the blonde-haired girl who is hopefully still on screen in the living room. "Just a sec, I'll be right back..."

"Sure," Jacinta says as I return to the living room, smiling as I see that my girlfriend is still there on-screen, though she was clearly nervous about what I was doing during my absence.

“H- hey,” I say nervously. “Th- that was, umm, at the door, it was-“

“Jacinta,” Leanne interrupts me with a smile. “I know, I could kinda hear her voice, heh.”

“I’m not THAT loud, Leanne!” Jacinta protests from the hallway outside our flat, clearly not realising or caring that she instantly proved herself wrong.

“…Anyway, she dropped this off,” I say, opening the box to show my girlfriend my cake. It's clear from the look that spreads across her face just how badly she wants to eat it too- something she doesn't hesitate to confirm.

“I wish I could have a slice, heh,” Leanne says with a sigh. “Maybe next year.”

“Or maybe…” I say with a grin as I head into the kitchen and open the cutlery drawer, pausing briefly as it dawns on me that I was stood here in this exact same position, opening this exact same drawer twelve months ago.

Back then, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I had no girlfriend, felt like I had no family or friends, had countless amounts of stress from work and university bearing down on me and felt like the only way out was to end it all. And while I can’t say my life is perfect right now (and in fairness, hardly anyone’s is due to covid), the fact is that I am in a much better place than I was on my twentieth birthday. Uni work is challenging, but I’m up to the task. I’m still earning money from helping my grandmother’s friends with their internet devices. My biological family may be far away, but I live with a guy who is, to all intents and purposes, my brother; my mentor and ‘older brother’ checks in on me whenever he can; I have an ‘older sister’ stood in the doorway who thought nothing of spending all afternoon yesterday making me a cake- even if, as she reminded me, she’d spent the entire week beforehand making Christmas cakes for everyone. I have countless other ‘siblings’ both here and in Cardiff. And I have an amazing woman who adores me and who I adore in return… and to whom I owe a gift, even if it is MY birthday. With a smile, I reach into the drawer for a long knife and bring it back to the living room, where- while my girlfriend grins excitedly- I cut out a slice of the cake and place it back into the box it came from before heading back to our front door.

“To be delivered to Leanne, please,” I say, earning a happy giggle from my ‘big sis’ when she opens the box to see what’s inside.

“Aww, that’s so cute!” Jacinta giggles. “I’ll drop it round now, Nikki and Sarah can wait a little bit longer for their ‘fix’, hehe! And don’t worry, if I see ‘you know who’ I’ll resist the urge to smash it in her face, hehe!”

“Th- thanks,” I chuckle, waving goodbye as my friend heads back out onto the street. And thanks for reminding me that my love life isn’t THAT great at the moment…

Leanne and I spend the next twenty minutes just relaxing and chatting before she has to start her work (it’s still a weekday and not a bank holiday, after all). Once she’s gone, I head out for a quick run- I’m going to be eating a lot of baked goods today, after all- and upon my return, I’m unsurprised to find Lee sat on the sofa with a PS5 controller in one hand and a freshly baked sausage roll in the other.

“Rhediad da??” Lee asks, his smug grin making me roll my eyes.

“I enjoyed the run, yes, and as I’m not playing today you can consider that sausage roll your prize,” I reply.

“Works for me,” Lee chuckles as I pick up my controller and jump into his game of Fall Guys. “Got much planned for the rest of today?”

“Not until the party,” I reply with a sigh. “Leanne’s working all day, so- yeah.”

“Okay,” Lee says, biting his lip and clearly pondering his words carefully. “So, about the party…”

“Over Zoom, as always for 2020,” I reply. “Though that’s okay with me, better that than- well, you know.”

“Yeah,” Lee whispers. “But is- like, the guest list for tonight-“

“Team Chwilen and the Celestials, mostly,” I reply. “And Leanne, obviously, probably the four blondes, too- like, Ellie, Laura, Jade and Ashley. Oh, and of course, Nikki, Sarah and- yeah, and Jacinta, too, if that’s a problem?”

“Oh, it’s not MY ex I’m worried about,” Lee mumbles.

“…Chloe,” I sigh, squirming as my whole body starts to feel tense.

“Chloe,” Lee echoes. “What if she wants to be at the party?”

“I- I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” I reply. “All I know is that for Leanne’s sake- and my own- I don’t want her to be there. Even if she is, well…”

“Wearing a birthday suit?” Lee asks, smirking as I roll my eyes. “Oh, come on, you have to admit, that was the perfect opportunity for that one?”

“…Shut up and game,” I snort, allowing myself a small smile as Lee does just that.

We spend the rest of the morning and afternoon chilling out, watching TV and playing videogames- after all, there’s not much else to do in London right now, thanks to covid restrictions, and I think I’m due a day off from work or responsibilities on my 21st birthday. However, the time soon comes for me to change for tonight’s party- for MY party. Even though it’s over Zoom only, and despite there (thankfully) being no cameras present tonight other than everyone’s webcams, it’s still a party, and I’m still going to make an effort. After combing my hair into something a bit more 'styled' than my usual messy mop, I pull on a pair of smart black jeans and a new shirt I got for Christmas from my friend Nikki, a smart black shirt with orange stitching that give it an almost fiery look. After lacing up a pair of smart black shoes and combing my hair one last time, I smirk at the fact that it still took me less than ten minutes to get ready for tonight, including the time it took me to relieve myself, and even though she’s not the girliest girl in the world, it’ll inevitably have taken Leanne longer- though I also wonder if Chloe's spent as much time- or even more- and whether that time and effort will go to waste...

“Hah, thought you’d wear that shirt,” Lee chuckles as I emerge from my bedroom. Almost immediately, my best friend places a beer in my hand and attaches a magnetic badge to the shirt pocket that has '21 today' written on it. “Hence why I’m not sticking a needle through it, heh. As much as you like needles, anyway.” I roll my eyes as Lee gestures to the many tattoos decorating my forearms.

“Thanks,” I chuckle, clinking the neck of my beer bottle against Lee’s as he clears his throat.

“Not covid,” Lee explains, before taking a deep breath. “To Ian David Freeman: 21 today and my best friend, despite being half English.”

“Iechyd da,” I say, sharing a laugh with my best friend as we clink bottles again before sitting down on the sofa. As I get comfortable, Lee grabs his laptop and fiddles with it, and within seconds our TV screen is filled with numerous smiling faces- not just those who greeted me first thing this morning, but several more besides. Naturally, it's the blonde girl in the top-left corner who my eyes are immediately drawn to- though I just as quickly realise that Chloe is NOT on the call.

“Happy birthday!” Everyone cheers as they toast their cameras.

“Happy birthday mate!” Stuart toasts with a wide grin on his face. “This might not be the party any of us were expecting but- heh.” I smile as Stuart pauses and bites his lip- it’s pretty obvious what he was about to say, and while I do appreciate him not saying it out loud, I still feel a little bad that he feels he needs to be sensitive around me. God knows that he of all people shouldn't need to feel like he has to tread on eggshells around me, not after everything he's done for me over the last few years.

“Not the party I was expecting this time last year?” I ask, smiling wider as Stuart nods and tries not to blush. “Yeah, I can’t argue with that.” And not just of covid, I think to myself as my mentor smiles sympathetically. “Certainly not the type of party I imagined myself having, like, five years ago either. My sixteenth was a bit too ‘sweet’ for my liking, heh.” Luckily, everyone present laughs at my joke, despite Stuart's accidentally awkwardness.

“Well, luckily, your 21st is going to be much- well, ‘meatier’ I guess!” Jacinta giggles. “So, everyone, grab your glasses- to Ian Freeman, a total BOY, but we wouldn’t have it any other way!”

“BOY!” The women on the call all cheer, while the men all say my name.

“Thank you, thank you all,” I chuckle.

“Speech!” Neil yells, chuckling as I roll my eyes and try to think of an excuse to get out of the speech- and frustratingly, all I can think of is my ex.

“Is- is everyone here?” I ask, biting my lip as I gaze at Leanne’s part of the screen (which she, obviously, can’t tell- you can't maintain eye contact over a video call, after all). I still don’t know exactly how much of my conversation with Chloe she heard this morning, especially whether or not she heard my ex inviting herself to this party. I REALLY hope she doesn’t think I’m asking whether or not Chloe’s going to show up...

“Yep, this is everyone,” Jacinta replies with a smug grin. “Everyone here has been invited, and everyone who is most definitely NOT invited is not here, hehe!” I grin nervously as my phone pings to let me know of a new Facebook message- something Jacinta obviously doesn't want to say out loud.

‘I made sure of that personally,’ my 'big sister' types followed by a ‘winking’ emoji- obviously she did pick up on me asking about Chloe, but interpreted it as me being stressed or worried that she was going to be here- which, in a way, I guess I am.

“…Okay, fine, speech it is,” I say, smirking and blushing as the partygoers all cheer. “As you may have guessed from what I said to Stu, my birthdays in the past were never that great, thanks- heh. Thanks in no small part to my family. Now, though, I’ve really looked forward to today, thanks- well, thanks to all of you. My REAL family.”

“To family!” Lee toasts as everyone cheers.

“We are family!” Steph and Kayla sing in their trademark immaculate voices. “I got all my sis- brothers with me!”

“Is that all the entertainment for tonight, then?” Lee asks, smirking as the two famous singers roll their eyes and playfully jeer him.

“Oh- shut up, Lee,” Steph snorts, making me marvel as always at how one of the UK’s most famous singers knows my best friend well enough to tease him like an old friend- which, regardless of her fame, I suppose they are.

“The Celestials may be performing tonight,” Stuart says with an excited grin. “And with Paul and Mikey both laid up, for once it’ll be yours truly on lead vocals, heh.”

“Oh, I am SO looking forward to this,” Steph says with a devilish smirk as my mentor rolls his eyes.

“Of course, as I’m playing lead guitar as well, it does mean we’ll need a bassist…” Stuart says with a smirk as I notice Stephanie start to fidget and stare off to the side in her corner of the screen- I know she’s been learning the guitar during lockdown, while dealing with long covid, so no doubt she and Stuart will have some kind of agreement in place where she’ll step in if I don’t speak up. However, if such an agreement exists, it won’t be needed today. Despite the earlier assurance that I didn't have to play if I didn't want to, the fact is- I DO want to.

“I always keep it handy,” I say with a grin as I head into my bedroom, returning a few seconds later with my trusty bass guitar and tablet computer. “Are we playing the song we’ve been practising recently?”

“Ah, the one by U2?” Lee asks. “What’s it called, ‘You’ve Got the Music in You’?”

“Umm, it’s not actually called ‘You’ve Got the Music in You’, and it’s not actually by U2, but- yes, that’s the song, somehow,” Stuart replies, smirking as my best friend rolls his eyes and pouts. “What d’you say, Celestials? Shall we kick this party off in style?”

“It’s my party, and I say: ‘hell yeah’!” I reply to the cheers of everyone as I load up the bass tab on my tablet and tune my guitar. Within seconds, Stuart is strumming the intro as the excitement levels rise on the call. As always, I’m able to keep up, and have immense fun playing, but when we reach the bridge of the song, I can feel my mentor’s eyes turn toward me as he sings.

“This whole damn world,” Stuart sings with a determined look in his eyes.
“Can fall apart.
You’ll be okay,
Follow your heart.
You’re in harm’s way,
I’m right behind.
Now say you’re mine…

You’ve got the music in you!
Don't let go,
You've got the music in you.
One dance left,
This world is gonna pull through.
Don't give up,
You've got a reason to live.
Can't forget,
We only get what we give...”

Even as I go to bed later that night following a solid four hours of (virtual) partying, Stuart’s words resonate in my mind, as do Jacinta’s actions. If I ever had any doubt that my chosen ‘family’ had my back, that doubt evaporated tonight. They really will stand by me every step of the way, no matter what challenges I might face. And yet, a part of me feels stressed, and despite my tipsy state, I immediately know why. In telling Chloe to stay away from party, Jacinta (and no doubt, all my other friends) explicitly chose Leanne over Chloe for me.

She. Chose. For me.

While I like Leanne a lot- really, a lot- and would probably have chosen her over Chloe if given the choice, the fact remains that I wasn’t given the choice. My friends decided for me, just as my mother and my paternal grandmother did all throughout my childhood. And while my friends are undoubtedly far more altruistic than my ‘real’ family, there’s a part of me that still feels the sting of having this choice taken out of my hands- and worse yet, a part of me that wants to push back and seek out Chloe…