“Hey, it’s Sonic the Hedgehog!” Stuart says as I enter his music room, earning laughter from our friends and an eye roll from me.

“Funny man,” I snort.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Stuart says with a smug grin.

“And how long am I gonna have that nickname for, anyway?” I moan as I pick up my bass guitar and start tuning it. “I washed the dye out days ago…”

“More’s the pity,” Mikey laughs.

“And to answer your question,” Stuart says, “it’ll last until the Arse actually wins something. So about another 40 years.” I roll my eyes again before smirking as a flying drumstick hits my mentor in the back of the head, no doubt thrown by our band’s drummer, who is also an Arsenal fan. Stuart laughs as he throws the drumstick back, before glancing over at me, his smug grin replaced by a look of concern, wordlessly asking me if I’m okay- not just with the banter or the teasing, but with everything that’s gone on over the last two and a bit months- and god knows there's been a lot going on.

If anything, being forced to dye my hair blue is the least stressful thing I’ve had to put up recently. That came about because last Wednesday, my beloved Arsenal FC reached the final of the Europa League, a prestigious pan-European soccer competition… Where, as chance would have it, they ended up playing Stuart’s beloved Chelsea FC. Naturally, as the match was between two London-based clubs, it took place in the capital of Azerbaijan, but that didn’t stop me and Stuart from watching it on TV- and from putting a bet on the outcome of the match. Two years ago, Arsenal played Chelsea in the final of the FA Cup, and Arsenal won 2-1, meaning that afterward, Stuart had five two litre bottles of red-coloured soda dumped on his head in the stadium car park. Last week, however, my beloved Gunners got thumped 3-0, meaning that I spent three days last week walking around with spiky blue-coloured hair- hence the new nickname.

The reason I only had the dye in my hair for three days was because four days after the match, I was stood in front of a camera, modelling t-shirts for a local up and coming clothing firm. It was relatively easy work, even if it was a long day (especially for a Sunday), and it paid well, even after giving the agency their cut, but it still made me feel more and more stressed out with every photo that was taken of me. Because with every photo, I could feel my public profile grow more and more- and I could feel my mother’s stare grow more and more intense.

Of course, consciously I know that my modelling work has nothing to do with my mother. As my counsellor reminds me, I am doing this despite her, not because of her and certainly not for her. I willingly walked down this path, I wasn’t pushed or dragged and I am most definitely not carrying anyone with me. I’m told that my mother’s being told the same thing by her counsellor in Cardiff- that I must be allowed to live my own life, and that keeping my stress levels low is more important than satisfying any of her own wants or needs. That doesn’t stop my blood pressure rising, though, every time she calls or messages me, ostensibly to ‘see how I am’, though I know the real reason she wants to talk to me…

And even worse, my most precious and reliable source of ‘stress relief’ hasn’t so much as spoken to me in months. Ever since the FA Cup final of 2017, Arsenal and Chelsea have played each other many times, but Stuart and I were always prevented from betting on the match by our significant others. We were able to make the bet last week, though, because I obviously no longer have an ‘other’, significant or otherwise. I always knew that Chloe had a fierce temper, but for her to hold a grudge against me for this long… She won’t even speak to me through a third party. Every time Lee messages her, she messages back saying simply ‘I have nothing to say to him’. How terrible, how useless a human being must I be to have a woman who used to love me refuse to even acknowledge my existence? I want to be angry at her, at the way we broke up, at the utterly insensitive way she casually dismissed my stress, but as hard as I try, I always end up wondering whether or not what she said might be right... And the fact is, I DID go to Abbey-Gayle's party without her.

Lee, Mac and Ben have all helped to take my mind off of things, though. Well- they've tried, anyway. As has Dan, in his own 'unique' way. And of course, so has Stuart and the rest of the band. They all insist that I was far too good for Chloe, that she doesn't know what she's lost... I'm not sure I can agree with them, though. Not least because every time they try to cheer me up, I keep picturing my mother's face, telling me to smile more, to be more grateful for all the things she and dad provided for me, every piece of criticism I ever received when I was a child. I don't want to resent my friends- but they're not making it easy for me.

One consolation I have, though, is the word at the end of Chloe’s reply to Lee- the word ‘him’. As much as she hates me right now, she doesn’t deny my masculinity. As much as Stuart teases me, he doesn’t deny my masculinity- not that he of all people ever would. And as much as mum stresses me out, even she doesn’t deny my masculinity, not anymore. The whole world has seemingly accepted that my name IS Ian, and I AM a man. The only exception is my so-called father- and even he won’t be a problem for much longer. Maybe then I'll actually feel like I have SOME control over my life...

“Are you all prepared for Monday, then?” Mikey asks me.

“What’s happening on Monday?” Paul, our lead singer, asks. “You got an exam, Ian?”

“Ah- no,” I reply. “All done with them for this year, just got a bit more coursework to do, that's all. What I’m actually doing on Monday is meeting with my lawyer and finally, hopefully, sticking this lawsuit six feet under, where it belongs.”

“Ah, good,” Jonathan, our drummer, says. “We need our bassist distraction-free if we’re gonna get this video recorded, anyway!”

“As much as we need a bassist, anyway,” Mikey jokes, laughing as I pretend to swing my guitar at him.

“And why do we need to rehearse when we’re only going to be miming in the video anyway?” I ask.

“Because believe me when I say it looks really obvious if we don’t know what we’re doing,” Stuart replies. “Now hurry up and tune up, hedgehog, Jamie and Olivia will be back soon, and I want us to get this down by then.”

“Yes, yes, okay,” I say, playing a few notes on my bass guitar to satisfy my friends that it’s tuned, before Stuart counts us in and we begin practising.

As Stuart predicted, his wife and daughter arrive home a short while later, bringing our practice session to an end, much to my relief- and much to the delight of at least one member of our band.

“Hi daddy!” Olivia squeaks happily as we enter the living room.

“Hi cutie!” Stuart says, scooping the two-year-old girl up in his arms before giving his wife a kiss. “Hey you, hehe!”

“Hey,” Jamie whispers back, before addressing the rest of us. “Hey guys. Good playdate?”

“Funny!” Mikey sarcastically retorts. “But yes, it was a good practice session.” As Jamie and the rest of the band continue to chat, I smile and nod along with what’s being said, all the time trying not to fidget. It’s not like I don’t like Jamie or the rest of the band- I consider myself privileged to call them my friends. But the fact is that they’re all at least eight years older than me, and that’s something that makes me feel VERY out of place in all the discussion of work, mortgages, kids… Earlier today, I was at university, hanging out with Mac and Ben, and I felt like I truly belonged, like that was where I was meant to be. No worries about my public image, or keeping my weight in check, or checking my phone for any new work- I could just kick back, relax and just be an ordinary nineteen-year-old guy. And I know I should be grateful to have so many older, more well-off friends who genuinely like me for who I am- but every time Jamie smiles at me, I can almost picture my mother staring at me, or hear that little voice in the back of my head that tells me that I don't REALLY belong here- after all, these are men, while I'm only barely a boy...

My counsellor has frequently told me that these feelings of 'impostor syndrome' are common and that I shouldn't worry too much, correctly pointing out that around guys my own age, such as Lee, Ben and Mac, I feel perfectly fine- and also did so when I first moved to Cardiff, just after I'd first come out. It still doesn't stop me worrying that when I get older, I'll never be a 'real' man...

Fortunately, the chat only lasts for a few more minutes before Jamie sees us to the door, giving all of my friends a gentle hug as they leave, but saving a longer hug for me.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jamie whispers to me.

“Hmm?” I reply. “Umm, yeah, I’m fine, just- just a bit nervous about Monday.” Among other things… I think to myself.

“Well, it’s the weekend, so try to relax, okay?” Jamie advises. “Things are going to get better for you soon, I can feel it.”

“Thanks,” I whisper.

“See you tomorrow, mate,” Stuart says, giving me a wave as I head out of the house and to Mikey’s waiting van, where I climb onto the front seat next to Paul and let out a long sigh.

“You’re not THAT tired, are you?” Paul asks.

“It’s just been a long week,” I shrug. “Uni, that sort of stuff. I’m really looking forward to the weekend, that’s all.”

“Well, I don’t blame you,” Paul says with a grin. “Especially with practice tomorrow!”

“Practice?” I ask, before my heart sinks as I realise what the blond-haired man means- and why Stuart said he’d see me tomorrow when tomorrow’s Saturday.

“Yes,” Paul replies. “For the team? The team you volunteered for last month when I asked? I’m surprised you don’t remember…”

“Some of us have day jobs that don’t involve sport,” Mikey reminds our friend. “Others of us are students, which is almost the same thing.” And some of us are just so used to saying ‘yes’ when asked to do things that we don’t even register when we’ve done it, I think to myself ruefully as I remember a band session last month when Paul announced he was thinking of putting a cricket team together and asked for volunteers. Everyone else’s hands immediately shot up, therefore before I even knew what I was doing, my hand went up as well. I’ve never played cricket before, I’ve never wanted to play it, I’ve never even WATCHED it before. And yet, tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to be playing it. Just the same as when I first picked up a bass guitar, or before my first modelling job, or taking ballet classes and acting lessons when I was younger…

“This’ll get you in the mood,” Paul says with a grin as he fiddles with his phone and the van’s stereo. Seconds later, the song 'Dreadlock Holiday' by 10CC fills the van, earning an eye roll from me and a scowl from our driver.

“Never, EVER mess with my stereo,” Mikey growls, before chuckling. “Not that I, as a musician, have anything against 10CC, or reggae in general."

“Or cricket?” Paul asks.

“I liked playing it at school,” Mikey shrugs. “I preferred basketball more, for obvious reasons, though.” The ‘obvious reason’ being that Mikey’s 6’ 3”- something that’s hard to ignore when all 5’ 7” of me is stood next to him when we’re practising for the band.

“How about you, Ian?” Paul asks. “What sports did you like at schoo… Oh.” I bite my lip and try not to blush as Paul’s voice trails off, realising that my answer to that question isn’t going to be like either of my two friends’.

“…In addition to being his school’s star cricket player,” Mikey says, “he was also apparently the champion at sticking his foot in his mouth.”

“Ugh, I am SO sorry, Ian,” Paul moans. “I just, you know, keep forgetting?”

“And you can tell this is true because Paul is physically incapable of talking to women,” Mikey teases, earning an angry glare from our cricket-loving friend. “…Prove me wrong, mate.”

“I dated Hannah for, like, months,” Paul retorts. “And Anna-Jade for ages before her! And before you say anything, yes, she was also transgender, and no, I never saw her as anything other than 100% female.”

“And for what it’s worth,” I interject in an attempt to assert at least some control over the conversation, “I do take it as a compliment. You know, forgetting? God knows I wish I could.”

“Yeah, Stu says that a lot too,” Mikey says.

“Well, you’ll just have to make up for lost time tomorrow!” Paul chuckles.

“Yeah,” I chuckle nervously.

“And on another note, mate,” Paul continues, “being on a sports team equals ‘girls throwing themselves at you’. Trust me.”

“Which is why Paul likes cricket so much,” Mikey interjects. “Gives him something to bat them back with!”

“You natural born comedian,” Paul snorts. “But yeah, play on the team and you will get over what’s her name in, like, a second.”

“Chloe,” I say. “And trust me, I am not starving for female interest, not since signing for Heavenly Talent.” I roll my eyes as my friends both let out sarcastic ‘ooh’s at my statement, which is fair as it was only half-true. While I’ve definitely had a lot more female attention since signing for Heavenly Talent- even from some of the other younger models signed to the agency- I’ve not had any interest in any of them. Not that the girls aren’t sexy, or funny, or don’t have great personalities, or even that they don’t have the same interests as me- it’s just that none of them are Chloe.

“Show off,” Mikey snorts.

“…You’re married,” I remind the tall, long-haired man.

“And you’re still a show-off,” Mikey retorts as the van pulls up outside my student flat. “See you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure,” I say as I grab my bag and guitar from the back of the van before a thought springs to my mind. “Hey Paul, would- would you mind if I brought along some of my friends tomorrow? To try out for the team, I mean?”

“Sure, the more the merrier!” Paul chuckles. “Just tell them to wear tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, nothing too heavy.”

“Will do,” I say with a grin. Maybe then I won’t feel completely out of place…

I grin as I open the door to be greeted by the sound of Fortnite, backed by the sound of four excited guys of my age.

“Hey guys,” I say, only earning grunts of greeting in reply.

“Good practice session?” Mac asks.

“Do many drugs?” Dan asks, making me and the others roll our eyes.

“Yes and no, in that order,” I reply. “How long have you been here?”

“Umm, we came straight here after uni, as we told you,” Mac replies. “And… That’s it? Nothing happened at practice, then?”

“Umm, no, I played my guitar a bit, and well- that’s it,” I say, biting my lip as I remember what Paul and I were discussing in the van on the way home- and what I’d asked. “Though afterward…” I try not to blush as my friends good-naturedly jeer at me.

“Oh yeah?” Ben chuckles. “Has your band already got groupies, then?”

“…No, nothing like THAT,” I snort.

“Pity,” Lee says. “And I think I speak for everyone there when I say you do need some ‘all-natural stress relief’.” I roll my eyes again as my friends all nod- this is a conversation that’s become more and more frequent over the past few weeks.

“I am not THAT desperate,” I retort.

“Mate, you’re a guy, and you’ve not had any sex in months,” Lee says. “Trust me, you ARE that desperate.”

“Being male does not necessarily result in a person requiring intercourse on a regular basis,” Dan says, triggering an awkward silence.

“It does if you have genitals,” Mac says, before grimacing and groaning as he realised exactly what he said.

“…Well, then, I should be fine, shouldn’t I?” I mumble as I help myself to some leftover pizza.

“Mate, I’m sorry,” Mac moans. “You know I didn’t mean it like THAT, I just- ugh, I dunno.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” I say. “And what I was trying to say was that tomorrow me and the rest of the band, we- well, our singer, he- he used to be a semi-professional cricketer, and he’s thinking of getting a team together, you know, for summer, and he’s holding, like a practice session tomorrow, and, well, the more the merrier?” I bite my lip as my friends’ faces all turn downward into frowns- this isn’t the response I was hoping for…

“I’m going back to Cardiff for the weekend, mate,” Lee reminds me. “Otherwise, well, maybe.”

“And we all have part-time jobs tomorrow,” Ben says, making me frown- since starting work for Heavenly Talent, I’ve not really needed a weekend job. And no doubt I’m not the only one to have thought that…

“Not all of us can earn money by posing half-naked in front of a camera,” Dan says. …And there it is, I think to myself.

“You certainly couldn’t,” Mac snorts, making me chuckle despite my disappointment. “…Actually, know what? Fuck it, I’ll wangle a day off tomorrow somehow.”

“You- you’re sure, really?” I ask, trying my hardest not to sound TOO desperate.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun, right?” Mac asks. “I always liked cricket at school, and this way you’ll get to hurl balls at my head for my ‘genitals’ comment.”

“And that ‘balls’ comment,” Lee says, earning snorts of laughter from everyone, myself included.

“And it’ll be fun meeting all the other guys again, properly this time,” Mac says. “You can never have too many friends, right?”

“Supposedly,” Dan says, again lowering the mood in the flat.

“…And playing sports is another way of getting girls, so, well, it’s a win all round,” Mac says with a smug grin.

“Meh, maybe I should’ve, then… Eh, whatever,” Ben shrugs.

“Well, I doubt it’ll be our only practice session,” I shrug. “And I think it’s an open invitation, so, well, yeah.”

“I’ll still pass, thanks anyway,” Dan says. Good, I think to myself.

“And if girls are all you’re worried about,” Mac says, “then there’s plenty at uni, right? In, like, nearly nine months I’ve never even seen you talk to one of the girls on our course.”

“Meh, I’m just- just nervous, that’s all,” Ben shrugs. “It’s no biggie, right? Stereotypical nerd and all that, heh.”

“If you say so,” I shrug.

“Says the person who hasn’t talked to a girl either in the last couple of months,” Mac says, making me frown again.

“Like I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m staying single for now,” I retort. “I’m sizing up my options, playing the field… And weren’t you the ones who advised me to enjoy being single for the time being?”

“That was before we realised how cut up you’d be about Chloe,” Lee says, deepening my frown.

“That- can we please maybe change the subject?” I sigh.

“Seconded,” Dan says, for once not making me scowl, even if I know his agreement has nothing to do with making me feel better.

“…Aren’t you meant to be at an LGBT society meeting tonight?” Lee asks, and this time, I do scowl, and groan with frustration.

“Meh, I- I’ll message them later, apologise for not going, tell them I had a lot on my plate,” I reply. Which isn’t too far from the truth- between my coursework, my modelling work, the band and now the cricket team, my time’s being spread so thin that I completely forgot about the meeting. Which is annoying, as I was really looking forward to it, too…

Our friends stick around until just after 9pm before heading home, and despite it being a Friday night, Lee and I head to be shortly afterward- he has a long drive tomorrow, something he prefers to do as early in the morning as possible, while I’m going to have a pretty energetic day- cricket might not be the most physical sport in the world, but it’s still going to require me to be on my feet all day, so I’ll need all the rest I can get tonight. To that end, I also take an amitriptyline tablet before I go to bed- I’ve recently been prescribed them by my GP to help with anxiety and depression, but they also help me sleep better too- and keep my mind off the fact that I’m once again sleeping alone, and that’s not going to change anytime soon…

Lee has already left by the time I wake up the following morning, and I let out a loud sigh as I get up and make myself some breakfast. Normally, I’d spend most Saturday mornings chatting with Chloe online, or playing FIFA or watching Netflix with Lee, but with neither of those two being an option today, I flop down on the sofa with my breakfast and try to distract myself with daytime TV- anything to avoid thinking about what’s happening later today.

I like all the other members of the band, even though they’re all older than me- they’re friendly, sensitive of my ‘status’ and genuinely great guys to be around, and yet the thought of spending all day playing cricket with them fills me with dread, and I can’t explain why. If I’d been going along by myself today, I’d have considered telling the guys that I was ill, too ill to play, but with Mac going along as well, I couldn’t do that to him. I could always fake an injury if I really didn’t want to go- whenever I really wanted to get out of ballet class, I’d smack one of my ankles with a heavy book, something large enough to leave a bruise, and claim I twisted it while warming up. It even worked a few times, too- though on those occasions, I was barely able to walk for days afterward…

In the end, I decide to suck it up, and after a quick shower, I pull on a comfortable pair of loose black jogging bottoms, a plain red t-shirt and my old pair of Nike trainers and head to the nearest tube station. My tension eases slightly when the train reaches Tottenham Court Road and Mac gets on, obviously relieved to see me waiting for him.

“Hi mate!” The tall, blond haired boy says with a grin as he stands next to me on the packed train. “I was half panicking you weren’t going to be there today, heh!”

“Nah, I wasn’t going to leave you in the lurch like that,” I half-lie. “Have you met the Celestials before?”

“Only at your birthday party,” Mac replies. “And that was, like, five months ago, heh. Don’t even have them on Facebook. Well, not yet, anyway.”

“Well, they’re a friendly bunch of guys,” I say. “You should get on fine with them. Well, depending on how good at cricket you are, anyway.”

“Yeah, it has been a while since I last played that, heh,” Mac says with an awkward chuckle.

“Been forever since I have,” I retort, triggering an awkward silence- well, as silent as it gets in a packed tube train, anyway.

The field where we’re training today is only a short walk from our tube station, but even that short distance is covered in silence, Mac looking very nervous either about the day ahead or fear that he'll say something else insensitive. We both breathe sighs of relief, though when we arrive and are greeted by the sight of several of my friends- and several faces I don’t recognise. Much to my surprise, though, there is another face here that I recognise- and she’s also the last person I was expecting to see today.

“Hey, Ian!” Laura says with a giggle as she skips over to us. “And it’s… Mac, right?”

“Well remembered!” Mac chuckles. “You’re Laura, right?”

“Yep!” The tall blonde girl replies. “And no, I’m not trying out for the team, hehe! I’m here with my brother and my stepfather, who both are, and my stepdad’s giving me a driving lesson once we’re done here.”

“We’re not expecting to be here long, then?” Mac asks.

“Well- HE isn’t,” Laura giggles. “He’s 41 and this’ll be the first exercise he’s done in years, heh. But he heard Ricky was trying out for the team and wanted to try to bond with him a bit more, you know, ‘cause he’s now Ricky’s stepdad as well as mine.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug.

“And it also helps that there are a LOT of cute guys here today,” Laura giggles, giving both of us a playful kiss on the cheek before skipping over to the side of the field and immersing herself in her phone.

“…Okay, she IS cute,” Mac chuckles, before frowning. “She- she is also, umm, you know… Right?”

“Like me, but ‘opposite’?” I reply. “Yep.”

“No offence, mate,” Mac says, “but she passes better as a girl than you do as a boy!” I grimace as Mac sighs and rolls his eyes again. “…I’ll go ahead and fit an entire shin pad in my mouth, then…”

“Nah,” I shrug. “Not the most sensitive thing you could say to a transgender person, but I do kinda agree with you, heh. She’s also recently become single, so…”

“Ooh, okay,” Mac says teasingly. “So you HAVE been thinking about what we said last night, then?”

“Well- no, not really,” I reply. “Not just for me, anyway, I mean, you’re single, right?”

“Well- yeah, but I’m not really looking at the moment,” Mac replies, making me fidget- the last time I saw Chloe, Mac did a LOT of looking at her, so much that I needed to have words with him in private. If I ‘nudge’ Mac in Laura’s direction, then it might make him less interested in my girlfriend- even if it takes a good few seconds for me to remember that Chloe isn’t my girlfriend anymore…

“Suit yourself,” I shrug, before grinning as Paul jogs up to us with a wide grin on his face.

“Hi Ian!” Paul says excitedly. “Glad you could make it today, I was worried that, you know, I was pushing you into something that wasn’t really your thing…” Yeah, me too, I think to myself.

“Meh, I said I’d come,” I shrug. “This is Mac, by the way, he’s at uni with me, I think you might have met him before at my birthday party?”

“I think so, yeah,” Paul says as he shakes Mac’s hand. “I’m Paul Kennedy, the captain and coach of this team. You’re the guy whose actual first name is a state secret, right?”

“Something like that,” Mac chuckles. “Nice to meet you, though I haven’t played cricket in, like, forever.”

“Well, we are just an amateur team for now,” Paul says. “I’ll try you in a few different positions to see how good you are, if you’re good enough for the first team I’ll get you registered with the league and we can go from there.”

“W- wait, league?” I ask.

“Yes…” Paul replies. “This isn’t, like, just the cricket equivalent of a kickabout, we have entered an amateur league that starts in a couple of weeks. London-based, so it’s not like we’ll be travelling all over the country playing. Well, not yet, anyway!”

“Oh, umm, okay,” I say.

“First things first, though, I just want to get a few things down,” Paul says, handing us each a very professional-looking questionnaire and a pen. “Just need to know your height, weight, BMI, any cricket or other sporting experience, whether you’re left or right-handed, that sort of thing.”

“Does it make a difference if I’m left-handed?” I ask as I instinctively start writing my details with my left hand.

“Yes, definitely,” Paul says, a glint coming to his eyes that makes me wary. “Me, you and Mikey are the only lefties on the team, the more variety we have when it comes to the handedness of bowlers and batsmen, the more of an advantage we’ll have over other teams.” Great, I think to myself. I could suck at the game and still make the team… “Alistair Cook’s left-handed, you know?”

“…Who?” I ask, earning a frown and a tired chuckle from my new captain.

“You REALLY don’t know anything about the game, do you?” Paul chuckles. “It’s okay. I’ll show you the basics. We’re practising with soft balls today until everyone gets boxes, just to get used to everything, that sort of thing.”

“B- boxes?” I ask.

“Yes…” Paul says. “You know…” I frown and grimace as Paul points to his crotch- whatever the word ‘box’ means to him, it certainly means something else to me- which Paul only realises a few seconds later when his eyes go as wide as dinner plates. “Oh- oh shit, umm, sorry, I-“

“Don’t worry, I’ve put my foot in it about fifty times over the last 24 hours,” Mac says as Paul tries to regain his composure. “’Box’ is a term for something guys need to wear when they have cricket balls, which are made out of solid leather and weigh about half a kilo hurled at them at about 80 miles per hour."

"The speed's right for a fast bowler," Paul says, “but it's more like 150 grams than half a kilo. Though that being said..." I flinch as Paul turns to face me again. "I’m guessing you wouldn’t really need the same ‘protection’?”

“Actually… You’d be surprised,” I reply as I think about when Chloe and I last spoke- and the intense pain that her knee caused to me.

For obvious reasons, I try as hard as I can not to think about my genitals. My counsellor has tried to assure me that they’re just a part of who I am, it doesn’t make me any less of a man just because (for now) I have a vagina, or a uterus or ovaries, and that I can always choose to have them replaced eventually. However, I am constantly self-conscious that I am not ‘built’ the same as my other friends- not even the same as Stuart. Even if I do get on the team, I’d never be able to shower with them, I’d always have to pee separately… And now with the ‘box’ comment, I’ve received another reminder that I’m always going to be the odd one out on the team. Even though in this one circumstance, I definitely shouldn’t be.

“I will definitely need one,” I say firmly. “Just- just trust me on this, okay?”

“Well- sure,” Paul shrugs, making a note on his clipboard. “I’ll order one for you too.”

“If I get on the team?” I ask, trying not to grimace as Paul nods. “How many people are here today, anyway?”

“About twenty,” Paul replies. “Mostly husbands and boyfriends of the Angels, or other employees of Heavenly Talent, that sort of thing.”

“Now I feel even more out of place,” Mac chuckles.

“Nah, you’re fine,” Paul says. “Here, we’re all just guys. ALL of us.” I smile and try not to blush as our captain smiles at me supportively, even though I know for a fact that Mac can't feel more out of place than I do right now...

The next ninety minutes are spent practising batting and bowling and getting to know the rest of the potential team- guys like Steph Abbott's older brothers (who, much to my relief, aren't that much taller than me) and my old ballet teacher's younger brother Riley (who, naturally, is considerably taller than me). To my surprise, I turn out to be pretty good at both catching and batting- years of dance lessons have given me excellent posture, despite me spending the last three years slouched on a sofa playing videogames. As I try to weigh up in my mind the prospect of being on an honest to god sports team, Paul calls a halt to the training session and sends us all to lunch. Mac and I head toward a nearby coffee shop to eat, but before we can even leave the field, we’re rejoined by the same unexpected face from before.

“Hey guys!” Laura says as she joins us in the coffee shop queue. “Had fun this morning?”

“Hmm?” I reply, surprised by the sudden appearance of my friend. “Oh, umm, yeah, more than I thought I would, actually.”

“Same here,” Mac says with a smile. “I’m guessing you’ve had less fun, though?”

“Meh, I’ve had things to do,” Laura shrugs. “I’m actually an actress- well, I’m studying at drama college, we’ve got our end of year performance soon and I need to brush up on my lines, heh!” As my friends chat, I can’t help but smile- there’s an obvious mutual attraction between the two of them. “And it’s not like I have anywhere else to go, all of my other friends are busy today. It’s Ashley’s sister’s birthday, Priya and Suri’s parents’ wedding anniversary… And, well, it’s too nice outside to be stuck indoors all day.”

“Well- that’s definitely true,” Mac chuckles. “So you like acting, then?”

“I’ll get the food and the drinks and let you two chat,” I say with a grin as I remain in the queue while my friends find a table.

When I head over to their table five minutes later with our lunches, they’re still deep in conversation, so much so that I actually hesitate before sitting down.

“…Should I give you two some privacy?” I tease, earning an eye roll and a playful sigh from the teenaged girl as she gestures for me to sit down.

“We were just talking,” Mac says.

“About how your ex-girlfriend is an idiot,” Laura says smugly, even as I fidget uncomfortably- even though we’ve split up, I still don’t like to hear anyone talk that way about Chloe.

“Umm, okay…” I say.

“Or, to put it another way, the shitty way she’s treated you since you guys split up,” Mac says. “What with you and the lawsuit and all that, Chloe really showed her, you know, true colours by not standing by you.”

“And we both agree you need a better girlfriend than her,” Laura says, leaning forward on the table and giving me a perfect view of her cleavage, something that makes my whole body start to tingle…

“Well- I wouldn’t say no, heh,” I chuckle, earning a girlish, almost flirtatious giggle from Laura.

“I don’t think either of you have told me yet how you two know each other?” Mac says. “Were you at school together?”

“Well- no, for starters, Ian’s two years older than me,” Laura replies. “We- umm, you- you do, well, ‘know’ about-“

“Yeah- yeah, I know,” Mac says softly. “But I, you know, kinda assumed that just ‘cause you’re, well, ‘T’, that doesn’t automatically mean you know each other?”

“Smart guy,” Laura says with a grin. “No, we did a magazine shoot together a few years ago. Me, Ian and a few other friends. And a couple of famous faces too, you know, like Jamie-Lee Burke and Steph Abbott.”

“Ah, okay, that’s pretty cool,” Mac says.

“And we’ve actually known each other longer than that,” I say. “Laura and I, we- we kinda used to go to the same dance class.”

“Ah, umm, okay…” Mac says, fidgeting awkwardly and understandably so. “No offence, but I- I can’t really picture you in tights, heh.”

“Good,” I say bluntly. “Keep it that way.” I smirk as my two friends both chuckle at my joke.

“I do actually remember that,” Laura says. “But I wasn’t going to mention it as, well, kinda a huge faux pas, bringing up a transgender person’s, well, ‘past life’ without their permission. An even bigger one would be using their deadname, hence why I, well, didn’t.”

“Yep,” I say. “As far as I’m concerned, my name has always been Ian, and I’ve always been a man, and Laura’s name has always been Laura, and she’s always been a woman.”

“Totally,” Laura says.

“Thanks, well, I- heh, I’m learning a lot!” Mac chuckles.

“In fairness, you’ve done alright so far,” I say. “Well, aside from the odd slip of the tongue. Or twelve.”

“Though I personally wouldn’t consider that tights comment to be one,” Laura giggles. “But that’s just me.”

“Heh,” Mac chuckles. “So, Laura, are you going to uni next year, then?”

“No, year after, sadly,” the blonde girl sighs. “Though I’m eighteen in November, so I’m hoping then you’ll invite me to some of your student parties?” Mac lets out a light chuckle as Laura playfully flutters her thick eyelashes at him.

“…I’ll think about it,” my friend replies, before sharing a giggle with Laura that makes me fidget uncomfortably as I’m filled with the same feeling of jealousy I had when Mac and Chloe flirted with each other. But why should I be jealous of Mac and Laura? I’m the one trying to set them up- unless I have feelings for Laura too?

“Anyway, we should probably eat up,” I say. “Don’t want to keep ‘the captain’ waiting, heh.”

“Yeah, true,” Mac chuckles as we tuck in.

Once we’ve finished eating, we start to make our way back to the playing field, and before we’ve even left the coffee shop Laura has playfully linked arms with both of us, giggling as we ‘escort’ her back to the field.

“Ahh, look at me with two hunky guys!” Laura giggles, giving each of our biceps a quick squeeze in turn. I glance over at Mac, but much to my surprise, he actually grimaces at Laura’s touch. Sensing an opportunity, I tentatively wrap an arm around the blonde girl’s tiny waist, smiling and feeling a tingle flow throughout my whole body as Laura sighs happily and leans in close to me.

The rest of the training session only lasts an hour before Paul sends us home with the promise that the final team will be announced later in the week. Feeling pretty hot and tired from the day’s exertions, Mac and I head toward the exit of the field, but we’re quickly intercepted by our lunchtime friend.

“Hey guys!” Laura giggles as she again links her arms with ours. “You both looked great out there, hehe!”

“Umm, I literally dropped a ball that was going at about, like, one mile an hour,” Mac retorts.

“Maybe,” Laura says with a smirk. “But you looked great anyway, hehe!” I smile as Mac bashfully chuckles at Laura’s joke, but inside, I feel the jealousy rising within me again.

“What, nothing for me?” I say with a mock pout.

“Ugh, yes, you looked great too, Mr. Insecure!” Laura teases, before releasing Mac and wrapping both of her arms around my bicep and pulling it close to her chest- and more significantly, her soft breasts. My ‘tingles’ intensify as I wrap an arm around the tall girl’s waist, and she slowly slides a hand into the rear pocket of my jeans…

“Laura!” A deep male voice calls from behind us, causing the two of us to hastily let each other go.

“Oh, um, hi Ricky!” Laura says with a nervous giggle as the tall man sends a VERY angry glare in my direction.

“We’re leaving now,” Ricky- who I've only met briefly before, but I know to be Laura’s brother- says, not taking his eyes off me. “Are you still driving back with Sean or do you want a lift with us?”

“No, I’ll drive back with Sean,” Laura replies, before smirking devilishly and turning to face myself and Mac. “Do you guys need a lift anywhere? Seeing as I’m going to be driving…”

“Umm, sure, thanks!” I reply.

“Saves my Oyster card a bit of wear, I guess!” Mac chuckles as we follow Laura to her stepfather’s car, where the forty-something man is waiting for us with a tired look on his face.

“…So I’m a taxi now, am I?” Laura’s stepfather sighs as we approach and climb onto the back seat of the car.

“Oh- umm, if it’s a problem, we can always catch-“ Mac says hesitantly.

“No, no, it’s okay,” the older man chuckles. “If Laura offered you a lift, she can drive you home. AND pay for the petrol.”

“Oh- dad…” Laura moans.

“We’ll chip in a couple of quid for that too,” I say.

“Where are you headed, boys?” Sean asks as he fiddles with the satnav.

“Fulham,” Mac replies.

“Islington,” I say, earning a pained chuckle from the older man.

“Well,” Laura’s stepfather says, “Laura wanted a lesson today, and by god, she’ll get one with this route! I’m Sean, by the way, Sean Ruddock. I don’t think we got the chance to speak today, we were that busy. Well, you two were busy anyway, I spent all my time getting my breath back, heh.”

“Yeah, Paul’s a lot more serious than I was expecting,” I say. “I’m Ian, by the way, Ian Freeman.”

“I’m guessing by your accent that you’re at uni away from home?” Sean asks.

“Erm, kind of,” I chuckle. “I was born in Cardiff, and I lived there the last two years before uni, but I actually grew up in London.”

“Ah, okay,” Sean says. “Why’d you leave London for two years only to come back, though?” I’ve been wondering that myself recently, I think to myself.

“The answer’s sensitive,” Laura hisses before I can reply, silencing her stepfather and filling the car with an awkward silence.

“…And I’m Mac,” my friend says nervously. “I’ve lived in London my whole life, heh.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Sean says as the car pulls out onto the busy streets of London.

With our houses being in opposite directions, it takes a while for the car to drop me back home, but the journey seems to pass quickly, thanks to Laura's stepfather being warm and friendly, and not once committing any gender identity related faux pas- though as the stepfather of a transgender girl, I imagine he's had plenty of practice.

“I’ll message you when I get home,” Laura purrs softly as I get out of the car, making me tingle once again.

As I shut the front door of my flat behind me, though, my head starts to spin as I try to process everything that’s happened today. I went out expecting to play a little cricket for fun, and have been roped onto a team that’s playing in an actual league. I’ve somehow got one of my best friends onto the team as well, and when trying to set him up with another one of my friends, inadvertently ended up possibly starting a relationship with her myself. Not that I find Laura unattractive, of course- god knows she is VERY hot- but the last thing I was thinking about before today was getting into another relationship, not this soon after breaking up with Chloe. So in addition to my work life and my free time, I can add my love life to the list of ‘things I no longer have any control over’…

I spend the rest of the evening doing as little as possible, taking some time for myself to simply relax, but even this stresses me out as the longer I relax, the more I can feel my uni deadlines getting closer and closer, the more I can feel Monday’s meeting with my ‘father’ and his lawyer getting closer and closer, the more I can feel my next photoshoot getting closer and closer…

I try to distract myself from my anxiety with a marathon FIFA and Netflix session, but nothing works. When I go to check my phone, though, I realise that a distraction has been waiting for me the whole time- albeit one I wanted to be distracted from.

‘Hey Ian!’ Laura’s Facebook message reads. ‘Was great hanging out with you today!’ I grimace as I check the timestamp of the message- it was sent over two hours ago, and Laura did say she’d message me after she got home…

‘Hey,’ I type. ‘Was great hanging out with you too. Sorry about the late reply- had my phone on silent.’ I add a ‘blushing’ emoji to my message that will hopefully placate the blonde girl.

‘I’ll let you off this time,’ Laura types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that makes me chuckle. ‘Done much this evening?’

‘Not really,’ I reply. ‘Just relaxed, played a bit of FIFA.’

‘You total BOY,’ Laura types with another ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji. I reply with a ‘smug’ emoji that gets a ‘giggling’ one from the blonde girl in reply.

‘You done much this evening?’ I type.

‘Just learning my lines,’ Laura replies. ‘I would’ve laid on my arse all evening playing video games, but A, my sister’s hogging the PlayStation, B, I have things I actually need to do, C, I never liked video games that much, and D, most important of all, my arse is FAR too cute to waste on things like that!’

‘Can’t argue with D,’ I type, earning another ‘giggling emoji’ in reply. ‘Or A, though I don’t have any brothers or sisters so I’m not sure of how things work there. B is fair enough too, though for C you probably just haven’t played the right games.’ I grimace as my ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji is met with a ‘rolling eyes’ one, but Laura immediately follows up with a ‘winking’ emoji that makes me grin.

‘Well FIFA isn’t going to be the right game as I hate football,’ Laura types with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji of her own. ‘Anything that involves cars or guns is also out.’

‘Wow, could you be anymore a GIRL?’ I type with a ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji that earns a ‘smug’ one in reply from Laura.

‘I can only think of one thing,’ Laura types. ‘And as soon as I’m eighteen I am going to get THAT sorted once and for all.’

‘Don’t blame you one bit,’ I type. ‘I guess it’d be insensitive to ask if I can have it now that you won’t be using it?’

‘You total BOY!’ Laura types, making me flinch again before she sends through a barrage of ‘sticking out tongue’ emojis. ‘And yes, it would be insensitive, but you at least get a pass as you know what girls like us go through. Just because you’re going in the opposite direction doesn’t mean you aren’t on the same journey as me. And no, I don’t want your ovaries thank you very much!’ I chuckle both at Laura’s joke and her next ‘sticking out tongue’ emoji.

‘I don’t think they’re much use anymore anyway,’ I type. ‘Not after over 2 years on T.’

‘Same can be said of my THAT,’ Laura types. ‘Lol weird how I can talk about my genitals with you and it doesn’t feel weird?’

‘It does feel a LITTLE weird,’ I reply. ‘But I get what you mean, like, we’re on the same journey, and it’s good to have someone to talk to who actually understands what it’s like when your body is just wrong.’

‘Totally,’ Laura types. ‘I like chatting with you, was great getting lunch together even if we couldn’t talk about THOSE things lol.’

‘Meh, Mac’s cool,’ I type. I begin to type ‘he is also single’, but I delete the message before sending it- Laura may take that as a hint I don’t want to drop, not right now, anyway…

‘He seems nice,’ Laura types. ‘Is Mac his first name or a nickname?’

‘Ehh… Not sure I should tell you, it’s kind of a state secret,’ I reply with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Oh come on,’ Laura types. ‘Pleeeeeease?’

‘Oh okay, if you insist,’ I type with a ‘rolling eyes’ emoji that gets a ‘sticking out tongue’ one in reply. ‘His first name is actually Cloud.’

‘LOL!’ Laura types, making me squirm as I feel bad for my friend- I’ve certainly torpedoed any chance he had of dating Laura now, and if I haven’t, I will when I tell her why he’s named what he is…

‘It’s the name of a character from an old videogame,’ I type. ‘His parents were big fans.’

‘OMG that is tragic,’ Laura types with a ‘crying with laughter’ emoji. ‘No wonder he only goes by ‘Mac’!’

‘There are worse names,’ I type. ‘Kayleigh-Ann, for starters.’

‘Meh, Kayleigh-Ann was alright,’ Laura types. ‘Ian is much friendlier, funnier and cuter, though!’

‘Better in every way for being a boy,’ I type. ‘Just like you’re better in every way for being a girl.’

‘Totally,’ Laura types, before sending me through a picture- a photo of her laid on her bed wearing just her bra and her panties, accompanied by a simple message. ‘Are you free tomorrow?’

‘All day,’ I reply, earning a ‘devilish grin’ emoji from the blonde girl that sends tingles down my spine and makes me forget all about my stresses.

Of course, I still have the lawsuit hanging over my head. I still have the stress from my mother and my job, not to mention the intense workload from university. And now I have the cricket team as well. And, of course, I still miss Chloe a lot. But just talking with Laura, the mere chance of intimacy seems to make all of that stress fade into insignificance- even my angst over losing Chloe. After all, she dumped me, and if she gets jealous that I spend all day with another girl, that's her problem, and I'm certainly not going to feel guilty about it. Maybe this does just make me another meat headed boy, ruled by his hormones. If it does, I don’t care. My name IS Ian. I AM a boy. And if a 17-year-old girl with a smoking hot dancer’s body wants to throw herself at me, I’m more than willing to ‘catch’.

Laura and I chat for another half an hour before she needs to get back to learning her lines, leaving me to waste yet more time playing FIFA and trying to finish some coursework, before eventually heading to bed just after 11pm.

I’m woken up just before 8:30am the following morning by the sound of knocking coming from my front door, which confuses my still-tired mind- we don’t usually get deliveries on Sundays, and if we do, they’re never this early. When I open the door, though, it’s not a parcel that greets me.

“Hi!” Laura says with a girlish giggle.

“Oh- umm, hi!” I reply. “You’re kinda early…”

“Well, you did say you were free all day,” Laura reminds me. “…Can I come in?”

“Umm, sure, but I’m kinda not dressed,” I say, gesturing to my dressing gown.

“Well… technically, you’re more dressed than I am, hehe!” Laura giggles as she gestures to her own very short and very light summer dress.

“…If you say so,” I say with a shrug that makes the tall girl giggle again as I let her into the flat. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Sure, I’ll have a coffee if you’re making one,” Laura replies.

“Oh- I’ve only just woken up, trust me, I’m making one!” I chuckle. “You- you’re looking great today.” And smelling great too, I think to myself as Laura’s summery perfume wafts into my nose.

“Thanks!” Laura replies. “You’re looking good too, dressing gown included!”

“I’ve got bed hair and I haven’t shaved in, like, a week,” I retort. “heh, grandma would kill me if I went to church with this much stubble…”

“Nah, a little bit of stubble suits you,” Laura says. “So does short, scruffy hair. It really works for some boys. Particularly the ones who weren’t always allowed to be boys.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle. “And long hair and make-up suits you, too. Oh- umm, not that- not that I mean you need to wear make-up, just-“

“No- no, I kinda- kinda actually do,” Laura sighs as I sit down with our drinks. “As much oestrogen as I take, it’s never going to disguise the fact that my face is a boy’s face, or, like, the rest of my skeleton is a boy’s… Lucky I do have the option of using make-up as a ‘disguise’, heh.”

“Whereas boys like me grow our own ‘disguise’?” I ask, smirking and feeling the familiar ‘tingle’ as Laura gently strokes the fine stubble on my cheek.

“Mmm,” Laura moans happily, before taking her hand off my cheek and reaching into my dressing gown to gently stroke my chest. “You boys do have it hard in other ways, though.”

“Well, I definitely WOULD-“ I say, before grimacing. “Oh, umm, you- you mean my chest, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s still nice to hear,” Laura replies with a giggle. “You know, I- I actually tried, like, ‘taping’ my chest last night after we spoke… That can’t have been comfortable for you to do it for two years…”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t always use tape,” I say. “There are, like, specialist bandages you can use, and t-shirts built with ‘boys like me’ in mind… Heh, kinda lucky to have been born when I was, in a way.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Laura says with a smile as she keeps stroking my chest. “You can barely even tell the scars are there, you know?”

“That’s good to hear,” I say. “You- did you ever, you know, umm, ‘tape’? Like, at ballet, when you were wearing a leotard or anything?”

“I never really needed to,” Laura shrugged. “I started taking puberty blockers when I was twelve, so, like, yeah. Doctors say it might make it a bit tricky when I have my operation, but- meh. It definitely makes life easier now. You know, a lot of the time I can’t even remember what it was like to be a boy.”

“Well, umm, sorry if I’m, like, reminding you…” I mumble.

“Oh- really, don’t be sorry!” Laura giggles. “You know I love talking with you, Ian. You actually make me feel even more like a girl, in a way.”

“Well, umm, thanks!” I chuckle. “And what you’re doing right now is definitely making me feel more like a boy, heh!”

“Glad to hear it!” Laura chuckles as she continues to play with my pecs. “You know, we kinda have a lot in common, you know? Apart from the obvious, our ‘journey’, we’re both associated with Heavenly Talent, we’ve both got this-“ I smile as Laura lowers my dressing gown to reveal my ‘Fellowship’ tattoo. “Well, I will do, when I’m eighteen, hehe! We’ve both recently lost members of our family-“

“Trust me, my grandmother is no loss, the old hag,” I snort, making Laura giggle.

“…Maybe not QUITE the same,” the blonde girl continues. “We both hate our so-called ‘fathers’, and we’ve both recently become single.”

“So what you’re saying is, we’re a perfect match?” I ask.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” Laura purrs, leaning in to give me a gentle kiss on my lips. God, this girl even tastes good…

Our kissing gradually becomes more intense, and it doesn’t take long for me to lose my dressing gown and Laura to discard her dress, though as things become even more heated, both of us suddenly pause as we realise that the way forward for us isn’t exactly obvious.

“Umm…” I say hesitantly.

“Ah- yeah…” Laura says with a grimace. “Talking about ‘forgetting I was ever a boy’, heh…”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “Sorry…”

“It- it’s no big deal,” Laura shrugs. “I mean, you’ve had sex with girls before, right? And I’ve had sex with boys, this doesn’t need to be THAT different, does it? I’ll just, you know, not ‘go’ anywhere you don’t want me to.”

“…And I can just not touch anything you don’t want me to touch?” I ask, smiling sadly as Laura nods. “That doesn’t exactly leave us with a lot…”

“It doesn’t leave us with nothing, either,” Laura purrs as she takes my hand in hers and leads me to my bedroom...

Forty-five minutes later, I have a wide, euphoric smile on my face as Laura and I lay across each other on my bed, both of us only wearing underpants- well, boxer shorts in my case and a skimpy thong in Laura's case.

“Yeah, that- that was more than I was expecting,” I chuckle.

“Totally,” Laura giggles as she rolls over to face me. “Need to get your breath back?”

“…Yeah, just a bit!” I laugh. “I really, really needed that, though. Thank you SO much.”

“You weren’t the only person who had ‘needs’,” Laura giggles. “Thank YOU.”

“You’re welcome,” I chuckle. “So, umm… Does this make us boyfriend and girlfriend? Or, you know, just friends with benefits…”

“How about this,” Laura says with a grin. “It makes us ‘Ian and Laura’ and screw all the other labels anyone wants to put on us. God knows I’ve had to put up with loads over the years. I just want to, you know, be me? I feel I’m entitled to a bit of fun, what with everything I’ve had to put up with.”

“I agree with you 100%,” I say. “We’re young, but not, you know, TOO young, we both know what we’re doing… Where’s the harm in a little casual sex?”

“Exactly,” Laura says. “I- ugh, this’ll sound embarrassing, but- but you know I’ve always kinda had a bit of a thing for you?”

“…I have kinda noticed in the past,” I reply, smiling sympathetically as Laura blushes. “I first noticed, you know, at the magazine shoot we did.”

“When I was wearing that tutu all day?” Laura asks, before grimacing and blushing even more deeply. “Ugh, god…”

“What?” I ask. “You looked good in that tutu. Certainly better than I ever did…”

“Yeah, that’s what I was remembering,” Laura sighs as I frown with confusion. “Your sixteenth birthday? Ms. Fullerton’s birthday tutu, and how I practically stuffed you into it?”

“…Yeah, not my favourite memory, that,” I say, gently stroking Laura’s hair as she buries her face in a pillow. “But it was hardly your fault, right? I mean, you couldn’t have known, right?”

“No, but I know NOW,” Laura protests.

“And that’s what matters,” I say. “…You do also know I play a lot of videogames and religiously watch Star Trek, right?”

“Well- nobody’s perfect,” Laura giggles. “My last boyfriend spent most of his free time playing basketball, heh.”

“…Which is slightly better than being a nerd,” I retort.

“Better for him, maybe,” Laura shrugs. “This isn’t, like, some cheap high school movie, there’s no reason the nerd can’t get with the cheerleader.”

“…Do you still have the uniform?” I ask, smirking as Laura rolls her eyes.

“No, I had to give it back to the school,” Laura replies. “And besides, it’s not like you’re not on a sports team, right? The cricket team?”

“Oh- yeah,” I chuckle. “Will you be cheering me on if we play any matches?”

“If I have nothing better to do that weekend,” Laura replies with a stuck-out tongue. “Nah, seriously, it’ll be cool, you know? Think my brother’s made the team as well, so I’ll have zero extra reasons to go along, hehe!”

“Heh,” I chuckle, before frowning as a knock comes from the front door. “…Did you invite a friend around?”

“You wish,” Laura snorts, giving my muscular thigh a quick squeeze as I get off my bed and pull my dressing gown back on. “You expecting a delivery?”

“Not at 9:30 on Sunday morning, I’m not,” I reply as I open the door, before freezing to the spot as I find myself staring into the angry blue eyes of Laura’s brother. “Umm… Hi?”

“Laura?” the tall man yells.

“Ricky?” Laura replies from my bedroom, making me cringe- if only she’d kept quiet…

I brace myself for a torrent of verbal abuse, but before I know what’s happening, I feel a hard shove in my chest and I’m laid out flat on the floor. I barely have time to get my breath back before I’m lifted up, only to again be roughly thrown onto my living room floor, my head only missing our coffee table by a few inches. Once again, I’m roughly lifted to my feet, only this time, I’m not thrown back down- instead, I double over in pain as Laura’s brother punches me hard in my stomach. As the pain starts to fill my body, though, so does another feeling- anger.

How dare this man come into my home and assault me? How dare he rough me up just because his sister and I have slept together- something we’re both legally allowed to do. And how dare he think he can push me around just because he’s bigger than me- especially when I have two years of boxing training with Neil's dad fresh in my mind…

I fight my way to my feet, only to be grabbed again by the taller man, but this time, instead of allowing myself to be thrown, I plant my feet in a boxer’s stance and keep my balance, which clearly surprises Laura’s brother. Undeterred, he throws a punch at my head, which I instinctively block, which only seems to anger Ricky further. He rears back and swings a wide, haymaker punch with his right hand, and I can’t help but grin- no one who knows how to fight ever throws a punch like that.

I step forward, avoiding the fist, and deflect the punch with my elbow, before stepping forward again and putting all of my weight into one left-handed punch that lands squarely on the right-hand side of Ricky’s ribcage- right on top of his liver. I try not to tremble as Ricky’s eyes widen in pure fury, before narrowing as he lets out a low whine of pain and slumps to the floor, clutching his side. I grin as I stand over him, my body flooding with adrenaline and endorphins, but my euphoria comes crashing down when a loud screech comes from the direction of my bedroom.

“What the fuck are you two doing!?” Laura screams as she emerges from my bedroom.

“Me!?” I snort. “He’s the one who barged in here and started throwing me around. He’s lucky I don’t call the police!”

“D- don’t touch my sister,” Ricky snarls as he gingerly drags himself back to my feet.

“Ugh!” Laura growls. “You’re both total BOYS!” I grimace as Laura storms back into my bedroom, before sighing and turning my attention to my attacker, who is still clearly in a lot of pain.

“Think you’d better leave now,” I say firmly.

“Not without my sister,” Ricky grumbles as he drags himself to his feet.

“She can make her own decisions,” I say bluntly.

“Yeah,” Ricky snorts. “The wrong decisions.”

“That’s not your decision to make,” I retort.

“Do you have any younger sisters?” Ricky asks me, making me pause.

“…I’m an only child,” I mumble.

“Lucky you,” Ricky snorts.

“Luckier than Laura, that’s for certain,” I say, making the older man roll his eyes before sighing.

“…Maybe,” Ricky shrugs. “But if you ever hurt her, I WILL hurt you.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve not exactly got a great track record there,” I snort. “Now piss off, or I WILL call the police.”

“Consider yourself warned,” Ricky snorts. “But before I go, ask yourself this- I never threatened Laura’s ex-boyfriend the way I’m threatening you now. I’ve had to issue a lot of threats over the last few weeks. Have a think about why I needed to.” I stare angrily at Ricky as he leaves the flat and slams the door behind him, before sighing- although what he’s said sticks firmly in my mind. Did he really just slut shame his younger sister? Is what he implied about Laura true, or is he lying to try to scare me away from her?

I barely have any time to process all of this, though, before my thoughts are disrupted by another slammed door- this time, my bedroom door.

“L- Laura?” I call after the once again fully clothed girl.

“You total thug,” Laura spits.

“Oh, wh- he barged in here and started chucking me around!” I say in a raised, incredulous voice. “I mean, you expect me to not defend myself? It’s not like I invited him, not after what we were just doing in there!” I flinch as Laura angrily raises a finger at me, before sighing, shaking her head and flopping down onto my sofa.

“…No, I guess you didn’t,” Laura sighs. “I just- ugh. I HATE it when people fight.”

“Yeah, I’m not a fan of it either,” I sigh as I sit down opposite my friend. “But, I guess, being a boy isn’t all, heh, football and videogames…”

“And it’s not like girls don’t fight either,” Laura says with a tired chuckle.

“Yeah, but girls don’t usually fight six-foot-tall guys who look like they belong in the Marines,” I snort.

“…He was actually in the Army,” Laura says. “For ages. He’s at uni now, training to be a teacher. Heh, I doubt he’d die of embarrassment if any of his squaddie friends found out- umm…”

“That he was flattened by a girl?” I snort. “Or even an ex-girl? God knows they’d probably think they were both the same.”

“Yeah, probably,” Laura snorts. “And I speak from experience when I say that the kids he’d teach would as well. Heh, they'd probably be even more transphobic.”

“Yep, probably,” I say, before letting out a long sigh as my hands start to shake. “…And I think I’m going to need a lot more coffee. Or a shot of adrenaline…”

“You- you just sit there, I’ll go and get some coffee,” Laura says softly, returning a short while later with a mug of the hot brown liquid that I eagerly sip. “I put a pretty big pile of sugar in that, I hope it’s not too sweet?”

“No, I prefer it with at least two sugars,” I chuckle. “And I’m sorry… I know this isn’t what you wanted to happen when you dropped around here, heh.”

“Meh, it’s not THAT bad,” Laura shrugs. “I get to hang out with a friend, don’t I?”

“Well- true, I guess,” I reply, before sighing. “…’Friend’ or ‘friend with benefits’?”

“Maybe- maybe we should stick to ‘friend’ for now,” Laura replies with a smile, making me sigh- as much stress as I ‘relieved’ just now, I know it’s all going to come rushing back soon enough- but given what just happened, sex with Laura is always going to be weird from this point forward, even if I choose to believe that Ricky was lying about his ‘threats’. And to be honest, it was more than a little weird to begin with. “…But I’m still not going to play FIFA with you.”

“Like I said, I’ve got other videogames,” I shrug, earning an eye roll from my friend, before I smirk as I spot a small box on the bottom of our games shelf. “…Have you ever tried VR before?”

“Umm, VR?” Laura asks. “Like, virtual reality? No, don’t think so, why?”

“Lee’s left behind his PlayStation VR helmet,” I explain. “And I know he’s got plenty of games for it, too.”

“Umm, okay…” Laura says in an uncertain voice that makes me cringe- she came around here looking for ‘fun’ of a different kind, after all, and even though we’ve definitely had ‘fun’ and her brother’s kinda spoiled the mood, the fact is that I, the nerd, have just suggested that the cheerleader prom queen play videogames with me.

“Or- or if you’d rather do something else, we could-“ I stammer, before being interrupted.

“No- no, VR sounds fun,” Laura shrugs. “Won’t know until I try it, heh!”

“You’re sure?” I ask.

“Yeah, of course!” Laura giggles. “I came over here to hang out, and my idiot brother has kinda ruined the moment for what we were doing before, heh.” Great minds think alike, I think to myself with a smirk.

“Okay,” I chuckle. “I’ll pick out a game, then- ehh, maybe not ‘Star Trek Bridge Simulator’.”

“It is a bit tragic that you own that game,” Laura says, making me fidget a bit- Chloe would never have said anything like that. My mum probably would’ve, though…

“Okay…” I say. “We’ll forget Doom VFR and Blood & Money then… Ah! Astro Bot.”

“Umm… That sounds kinda Star Trek-y,” Laura says.

“Trust me, it’s not,” I laugh as I set up the headset.

“Well- okay then, if you say so,” Laura says. “Do you have an Amazon Prime account?”

“Umm, I do, yeah,” I reply. “Why?”

“Because after this, we’re watching two episodes of the latest season of The Angels,” Laura says smugly. “As a sort-of payback.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “I actually kinda like the show, and not just ‘cause I know a lot of the people on the screen, heh.”

“Show off,” Laura giggles as she puts on the helmet and I start up the game for her.

Even though the rest of the morning’s activities are very different from the start of the morning, in an odd way, they’re no less fun- Laura admits she had a lot of fun playing the game (even if VR did freak her out a bit to begin with), and while I’d previously seen the episodes of The Angels that Laura selected, I enjoyed rewatching them nonetheless. However, both of us have the most fun when we switch the TV and the PlayStation off and just sit around chatting- something I didn’t realise just how much I needed until now.

“You know,” I mumble, “when I saw you at the cricket yesterday, my- my first instinct was actually to set you up with Mac.”

“Umm, okay then,” Laura says, fidgeting awkwardly in her seat. “What made you change your mind?”

“Well, first, and most importantly, the fact that you’re hotter than hell,” I say, smirking as a smug smile spreads across my friend’s face. “Second… Ugh, this’ll sound crap…”

“Go on, I won’t be offended,” Laura says.

“…I kinda- kinda had it in my mind that it’d make Chloe mad,” I sigh. “I know, I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about another girl when- ugh. Should I stick my head in the door frame now?”

“No- no,” Laura sighs. “I kinda- I’m kinda hung up on Kain too. Even if I am the one who ended it, heh.”

“Even more in common,” I chuckle.

“Heh, yep, even if it is just the ways in which we’re kinda messed up,” Laura sighs.

“I think we can safely say that we’d be great for each other,” I say. “And that’s why we should never get together, heh.”

“I totally agree,” Laura giggles. “But I’d really like to still be friends. And no, not just because I want to get into all of your student parties when I’m eighteen.”

“In November, I remember,” I say, making my friend giggle. “So… Friends WITHOUT benefits, then?”

“Just ‘cause we’re a boy and a girl, doesn’t mean we have to have sex every time we see each other,” Laura shrugs, making me fidget as I remember what her brother told me- something I don't intend to repeat to her. “Fun as it was, heh.”

“So… Friends with occasional benefits, then?” I ask.

“Works for me,” Laura says. “Until you end up getting a serious girlfriend, anyway.”

“Umm, what makes you think the 5’ 7” Welsh nerd is going to get a girlfriend before the six feet tall cheerleader and supermodel gets a boyfriend?” I ask.

“Well, I think you’re sexy,” Laura shrugs. “So will every other girl with a working pair of eyes. And you’ll soon forget all about Chloe, I guarantee it.”

“I wish I was as confident as you,” I chuckle tiredly.

“Girls also find shyness sexy,” Laura says with a smirk. “Sometimes, anyway. As long as you’re not TOO shy in bed. Which you aren’t.”

“You’re telling me all this like I’ve never been a girl before,” I say with a snort of laughter.

“That’s because you haven’t,” Laura says with a grin that I immediately mirror.

Laura sticks around until just after lunchtime, and even though we only spend the time chatting and watching TV, I find I’d genuinely forgotten just how much fun and how relaxing it is to just sit around on a Sunday morning chatting with a good friend- like Chloe and I would often do on Sunday mornings. Sure, I could try chatting to Lee, or Ben, Mac or any of my other friends, but none of them are as good listeners as Laura. Maybe it's a boy/girl thing, I don't know. And even if we don’t take any more ‘benefits’ from each other, I’m very glad to be able to call Laura my friend, and if others think of me as somehow being less masculine for enjoying gossiping with a girl, then so what? I don’t need validation from closed-minded people like that. My name IS Ian and I AM a man. Having a female friend doesn’t change that.

However, it also doesn’t solve my immediate problems, either. Less than an hour after Laura left, I found myself missing her, then almost immediately afterward, missing Chloe as well. To try to distract myself, I started doing some university work. To distract myself from that, I read up on the rules of cricket. And to distract myself from that, I read some of my lawyer’s notes ahead of our meeting tomorrow. And to distract myself from that, I look at the file for my next modelling job. And to distract myself from that, I DON’T call home, despite it being Sunday, when I usually do so…

By the time Lee returns later in the evening, I’m curled up on the sofa, too physically and mentally exhausted to even move- something that doesn’t go unnoticed by my flat mate.

“Alright, mate?” Lee asks as he drops his bag and sits down in his usual chair. “How was cricket?”

“Meh, it was okay,” I shrug. “How was Cardiff?”

“Same as always,” Lee says. “…Have you been playing on my PlayStation VR helmet today?”

“Eh, kind of,” I reply. “Actually, a girl came round, and-“

“And the best you could manage was playing in VR?” Lee asks with a snort of laughter. Okay, I think to myself. Maybe THIS is why I need a female friend, if not a girlfriend…

“It was Laura,” I explain. “From the coffee shop? Also in the Fellowship with me?”

“What, blonde hair, blue eyes, got a tall, skinny body that makes most guys unable to stand up for half an hour?” Lee asks, making me roll my eyes.

“Thanks for reminding me that’s not a ‘problem’ I have,” I scoff. And for reminding me of the one thing I need distracting from the most…

“I’ll apologise for being insensitive if you say to me truthfully that you didn’t at least snog her,” Lee says.

“No comment,” I snort.

“’No comment’ means ‘yes’,” Lee says. “Did you shag her, then?”

“Definitely no comment,” I snort, before rolling onto my back. “Ugh, I- I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now, you know, work, uni, this fucking lawsuit…”

“The other, more traditional definition of fucking,” Lee says, smirking as I roll my eyes. “And to answer your next inevitable question, no, I didn’t see Chloe, but yes, I still expect you to put a quid in the jar.” I roll my eyes as Lee takes a half-full jar of coins off the coffee table and waves it in my face, before taking a pound coin out of my wallet and dropping it in.

“You too, you brought her up,” I say.

“Fair enough,” Lee says as he drops a pound coin in the jar as well. “It’s going toward the flat’s PS5 fund anyway.”

“And for the record, we spent most of our time talking,” I say.

“Meh, fair enough,” Lee shrugs. “How did she end up here, anyway? Booty call?”

“She was watching us at cricket practice,” I reply.

“Yeah…” Lee says. “You do know there’s only one reason why a girl would watch a sports team practice, right?” I open my mouth, ready to call Lee a ‘BOY’ in the same manner as Laura, before realising that it’d be more than a bit inappropriate for me to say it. I hope it’d be inappropriate, anyway…

“For what it’s worth, I did try to set her up with Mac,” I say.

“And then decided to keep her for yourself?” Lee asks. “Can’t say I blame you. Should’ve tried to set her up with Dan, THAT would’ve been a sight!”

“It would literally be Sheldon and Penny,” I chuckle. “As opposed to Penny and- heh, whatever the hell I am.”

“Leonard?” Lee suggests. “That story ended happily…”

“Yeah- I doubt it,” I snort.

“I dunno,” Lee shrugs. “He’s short- umm, shorter than average for a man. He had a dragon of a mother who treated him like an experiment and an otherwise useless dad. He lived with a room-mate who was much taller and smarter than him but less successful with girls-“

“Yes, yes, okay,” I snort. “But me and Laura aren’t getting together any time soon.”

“Pity,” Lee shrugs. “You look like you could use some ‘all natural stress relief’.”

“No comment,” I say, earning a laugh from Lee as he switches the television on.

Needless to say, while it’s good to have some company, Lee isn't as good a listener as Laura, and by the time I head to bed, I feel like I’m right back at square one. The weekend was fun, but it’s also now over, and Monday is looming, with even more stress than that day normally brings...

The following morning, I’m still in bed when Lee leaves for university as I don’t have any classes until the afternoon. We’re supposed to use the morning for reading and doing coursework, but this morning, sadly, it’s not an option for me, as I’m reminded when I eventually get up, shower, shave off what little facial stubble I have and dress in a smart shirt, tie and trousers for the morning ahead.

A short while later, I’m standing in the very opulent lobby of my lawyer's firm, where I’m greeted by the woman who will hopefully today ease at least one of my stresses.

“Hello Ian,” Janet Bean, my new lawyer, says as she greets me with a professional handshake. “Sorry to keep you waiting, your father and his lawyer have only just arrived.”

“That’s okay,” I sigh. “I just want this over and done with as soon as possible.

“I know you do,” Janet says softly. “But I’m confident that we can put proceedings to an end today. I have more than enough to make it not worth your father or his lawyer’s time to proceed, and enough to really cost them a lot of money if they do persist out of spite.”

“Well- okay,” I say. “And can I ask one favour? Please don’t call him ‘my father’. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have one. His name is Craig.”

“…Very well,” Janet says. “Craig and his lawyer are upstairs, please follow me.” I keep a stoic expression on my face as I follow Janet to the lift, then to the room where Craig and Richard (his lawyer) are waiting for me. Craig’s eyes widen with anger as I enter the room, but I maintain the stoic look on my face, even though inside, my stomach is churning.

“Good morning,” Richard says with a smug smile. “You called us and requested a meeting. I assume you’re ready to discuss a settlement?”

“In a sense,” Janet replies.

“So then, how much are you putting on the table?” Richard asks.

“Nothing,” Janet replies confidently. “We will not be paying you a single penny. You will immediately withdraw this lawsuit, or we will begin both civil and criminal proceedings against the two of you and your firm.” Even though Craig and Richard both laugh at Janet’s defiance, I don’t squirm- this is the woman retained by Joshua Benedict, after all, so she must know what she’s doing.

“Really?” Richard snorts. “Do you know exactly who you’re dealing with?”

“Yes,” Janet replies bluntly. “I also know what I am dealing with, namely a malicious lawsuit with no grounding in legal fact, something that judges tend to frown on, in case you weren’t aware.”

“…I beg your pardon?” Richard asks, the wind having been suddenly knocked out of his sails.

“The allegation of fraud is clearly bogus,” Janet explains. “Any and all acting or dance lessons bought for my client are legally treated as gifts, and as such do not fall under the category of ‘fraud’, and as they were almost all paid for before his sixteenth birthday, he has no legal liability for them anyway.”

“…Oh,” Richard mumbles.

“Furthermore,” Janet says, “your claim of emotional distress is blatantly bogus. Ian had no contact with his grandmother for over a year before her death, and witness statements from Ian’s mother-“ I start to smirk as Janet slides a folder across to her counterpart. “-and his maternal grandmother-“ My smile gets wider as another folder is slid across the desk. “-Speak to how the deceased would regularly belittle Ian and treat him as though he was a young child even when well into his teens. Any further claim of emotional distress can only be tied to his choice to live with his grandmother from the age of sixteen. And, as he was sixteen when he made this choice, he was legally more than entitled to do so. I assume there are no claims of emotional distress that are tied to Ian’s gender identity, as I’m sure you’re aware that this is a protected characteristic under English law, and as such legally unactionable.”

“…This isn’t over,” Richard says. “We can go before a judge, and-“

“And we would present this as evidence,” Janet says, sliding a much larger file across the desk. “Testimonies from Ian’s counsellor and friends about the emotional distress he has been put under not just by this lawsuit, but as a result of his upbringing. Go before a judge and we’ll show how Ian is the real victim here in seconds, and we will sue for costs. Go before a jury, and we’ll make your client out to be the worst father since Josef Fritzl, and we will countersue, and we WILL win.”

“How dare you!” Craig suddenly bellows, startling not just myself and Janet, but his own lawyer as well. “After everything we did for you as a child, you ungrateful little shit!”

“’For’ me?” I scoff. “How about everything you did TO me?”

“Gentlemen, please,” Janet says, calming both of us down. “We want this lawsuit to go away. Plain and simple, just- be gone. Withdraw it now, and you can walk out of here and not worry about us again. Take it forward, however, and you WILL lose.”

“…I need some time to discuss this with my client,” Richard mumbles. Janet silently nods, before leading me out of the room, where I let out a nervous laugh.

“Okay, then,” I chuckle. “Where was THAT the last few months?”

“It’s actually very hard to prove that a lawsuit’s malicious,” Janet explains. “But all you need to do is convince a judge, and the way you do that is with evidence, loads and loads of evidence, that your friends and family were all too happy to provide.”

“Well- thanks,” I chuckle. “But da- Craig will probably just be stubborn and insist we go to court anyway.”

“Yes, well, I wasn’t trying to convince Craig,” Janet explains. “I was trying to convince his lawyer. Make it more trouble than it’s worth to continue with the lawsuit.”

“But Craig could just find another lawyer?” I ask.

“Then we’ll do the same to them, and the lawyer after that, and the lawyer after that until he gets the message,” Janet says, filling me with dread- I just want this over and done with…

Seconds later, though, the door to the office opens and Richard steps out, followed by a very subdued-looking Craig.

“After consulting with my client,” Richard mumbles, “we have decided not to pursue our lawsuit any further.”

“Good decision,” Janet says, politely shaking both Richard and Craig’s hands as they skulk away- though before they reach the lift, Craig turns around and looks me straight in the eye.

“As far as I’m concerned,” Craig says in a low, angry voice. “I don’t have a daughter, and I never did.”

“Finally,” I snort. “Something we can agree on.” I smile smugly as Craig scowls, his face reddening as he and his lawyer walk away, hopefully out of my life forever.

“Well, I think we’re done here,” Janet says softly. “Are you sure you don’t want to pursue a countersuit? I can’t guarantee a big payout, or even a victory, but-“

“No- no, thank you,” I say. “I just- I just want to never have to see that man again.”

“I understand,” Janet whispers.

“And thank you, really, for everything you’ve done,” I say with a happy sigh. “God knows this is a real weight off my mind, if I was still represented by Ross- ugh, God knows.”

“From what you’ve told me, he was more focused on the countersuit than actually dealing with the lawsuit,” Janet says. “And I’m not going to comment any further there, only to say that you’re welcome, and it has been a genuine pleasure to help you, Ian. And I hope things start to get better for you.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly. “I’m sure they will.”

That was, of course, a lie. I wasn’t sure at all, even though the lawsuit was no longer hanging over my head and my so-called ‘father’ was firmly in my past. I should’ve felt better, victorious, even, but I didn’t. All I could think about was uni, and my modelling work, and the band, the cricket team, my mother, Chloe, Laura… And the fact that I’m still very, very much ‘incomplete’ as a man.

Fortunately, I did have at least one person who I could talk to about anything.

“…It definitely does sound like you’ve had a hectic few days,” Dr Phillips says softly. “I certainly can’t blame you for relaxing and just killing time over the weekend, everybody needs to have some time to themselves when they just do nothing, not even hobbies.”

“I still feel like- like I’m wasting time if I do that, though,” I sigh. “When I was a kid, my mother was always on me to practice dance or stuff like that if I ever had any, you know, ‘empty’ time.”

“Well, I’d like to think we’ve long since established that your mother was and still is not a positive influence in your life,” Dr Phillips says, making me smirk. “Though I’m worried about the other influences in your life that aren’t quite as obviously negative.”

“What, you mean, like, the band?” I ask. “Or the cricket team? But they’re my friends?”

“Nonetheless, they may be a source of stress without either you or them realising it,” Dr Phillips advises. “All your life, you’ve been conditioned by your mother to never say no, to go along whenever you’re told to do something you really don’t want to do. You need to learn that it’s okay to simply say ‘no’. Even if you’ve previously said ‘yes’, it’s also okay to simply change your mind. Sure, your friends may be disappointed, but it won’t last.”

“Well- okay,” I sigh.

“I’m also going to temporarily up your antidepressant dosage,” Dr Phillips says. “Just for a month. If you feel yourself becoming stressed, if it all becomes too much, take an additional tablet per dose. And don’t be afraid to simply talk to someone, whether that’s me, your grandmother or a friend. There’s nothing unmanly about needing to talk, and there’s certainly nothing unmanly about admitting that you need help.”

“Well- okay,” I sigh again.

“The modelling job won’t last forever,” Dr Phillips advises. “The cricket team will only be until the end of summer, and even university will only be for another couple of years. All of your sources of stress will eventually go away. You may even look back later in your life and remember these days fondly.”

“Hopefully things won’t get THAT bad,” I snort, making my counsellor smile.

“Only if you let them,” Dr Phillips says as I force a smile on my face. One thing’s for certain- the stress can't go away quick enough...