Idol

Idol - 1985- Age 16
I am not a machine

I could not believe that I kissed Nick. After the kiss, there was silence and things were very uncomfortable. It was as if we should have said something to each other, but the words would not come out. I would have liked to have a logical explanation for the kiss such as we were experimenting. This was not the case. It was a kiss full of emotion and feelings. It was romantic. It felt like fireworks. I don't know what Nick thought. He said that he had to go home. This left me on the bed reliving the kiss over and over in my head. This was something that I would remember for the rest of my life.

Dad came in and wanted to discuss future projects with me. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone. I could not do this as when did Dad ever listen to me? I let him talk as I was in turmoil inside. I have decided some time ago that I would be as normal as possible. The kiss made me realize that I could never be normal. The fact that I was a celebrity meant that I grew up in the public eye. Everyone has their idea of who I was. It was all just an image that the record company and Dad portrayed. It was just a lie. They did not know that mom and granny treated me as a girl and that I now kissed a boy. It was depressing that people did not know me and if they did they would never like me. At times I felt as if I did not know myself.

I spoke with Nick a few days after the big kiss. I told him that we should pretend that the kiss never happened. I tried telling him that I felt bad because it was like cheating on Chloe. She was still my girlfriend. This upset Nick. He told me that it was about time that I admitted that my relationship with Chloe was just a joke and a show for the media. He accused me that she was my friend and I was just using her. Nick thought that this was very selfish of me and that it was a mean thing to do. I went silent after his outburst. I knew that he was speaking the truth. This meant that I had to work on being the boyfriend that Chloe deserved.

I was not thinking about my career. It seemed as if I had so many personal problems. I wanted to sort out my life and be happy. I waited to Dad was not drunk or high and told him that I needed time off. There were still singles being released from "Hot Memories" and I did not want to do a tour or concert. Dad told me that it was unwise to take time off. I had to work to remain at the top. I could not let the record company or my fans down. It was not often I got mad at Dad, as this was a dangerous thing to do. This time I did yell at him. I told him that I was not a machine. The only response I got was that I should stop acting like a diva.

I tried to visit Ronny. He lived in an abandoned building. It smelled and was a mess. I just wanted him to be like a brother once again. There was no reason why he should live like this. If my money could support Dad, then we could use this money to help Ronny. It was a lost cause. Ronny accused me of being there to gloat about my success. Then he blamed me for the mess that his life was in. It was my fault that mom obsessed over me and ignored him when he was younger. It was my fault that mom died. Ronny accused me of being a freak of nature, a sissy that demands everyone's attention. There was no use in trying to patch things up. Ronny was broken and I was the blame for it.

I still was friends with Cameron. He never visited us as he did not want to see Dad, Things were so bad between Cameron and Dad, that it was not allowed even to mention his name. The only time his name was mentioned is when dad called him a spoiled brat that was a traitor. Dad also told me that Cameron will not be writing songs for my next album. He thought it was best if I wrote them, as it would mean more money. This became his plan and Dad constantly asked me if I had songs done for the album. I tried telling him that I did not want to write songs. I did not think I was talented enough. I wanted Cameron to write and produce. Dad told me he decided and did not want to discuss it.

It was at this time that a clothes company wanted me to endorse a fashion line they were working on. They noticed the dress like tops I wore and tight pants and thought that a lot of teens would want to copy my style. Dad thought I still dressed like a sissy and was corrupting the youth. Despite this, he accepted the endorsement. This meant that I got free clothes and according to the newspaper, the endorsement was worth millions. Dad explained once again this was not my money, but family money.

Things were going much better with Chloe. I was more romantic with her and showed a lot more affection. It was a lot of work though and I never did get the firework feelings I had the time that I kissed Nick. Chloe did not notice that being romantic was so much work for me. The one thing she did not like was my fame. She did not like when pictures were taken of us or when she noticed girls that were fans that idolized me. Gossip magazines were even asking if we would get married. I was only 16!

Nick knew my love for Chloe was an act, and he could get jealous. He would tell me that I should come out of the closet and follow my true feelings. I should not care what the media thought. I was reminded that when I admitted that I wet the bed, I helped many teens and children. I could use my position now to help many gay teens. My response was to deny that he thought I was gay. A kiss does not make me gay. Besides that, it was 1985. Being gay was still a taboo thing. I was worried about my reputation and image. Nick would never understand this. He was not in a position where the media and fans wanted to know everything.

The record company were impatient and kept asking about a follow-up album. They were told that I was working on the songs for it. I did not understand the rush. I think the reason was that Michael Jackson sold more than me, and they wanted me to have a head start this time. I was once again afraid. The last album sold extremely well. How could I repeat this success? I was older, my voice was different and I was not as cute. Cameron was no longer helping me. I felt so much pressure and stress.

I tried asking Dad if I could take some time off and go to university. It was wise having an education if I suddenly became a has-been. Dad was annoyed when I asked this. He thought that I did not trust his ability as a manager. There would be no discussion of the university. I was already doing what I was meant to do. He did not even want to consider that I may have wanted to do something else.

I had some hope one day when Ronny visited us. It turned quickly to disappointment when he just came for money. Dad would not give him any money. This made Ronny once again whine about how I ruined his life and how is it that I always was the centre of attention and love. This confused me, as I remembered a time when Dad did not care about me and gave all his love to my brothers. How quick Ronny could forget this and feel sorry for himself. Ronny stormed out the door and promised he will sell family secrets and secrets about me to anyone that will pay.

I felt sorry for Ronny. He needed Dad's love now when he had so many problems. Dad had a talent for pushing people away. This happened to Stepmom, Cameron and Ronny. I had no choice as I was still underaged. Dad never showed me any love. I felt like he considered me a money machine. A way where he can live the life of a rich man. He did not care about talent or the quality of work but rather cared about success and money. Dad never did know me or care about me. Despite all this, I hungered for Dad's acceptance and love. In a way, I loved him and hoped that our relationship would improve.

This had me think about my life until now. I did not have a normal child. Mom and Granny treated me like a girl and convinced me that I should have been born a girl. This caused so many problems. I did not know if I wanted to be masculine or feminine. It could be a reason why I had gay feelings. It made me think that I never enjoyed the things children should. I was always told that being famous was my destiny and the purpose of life. This meant no play and all work. Even when I did have success, no one was ever satisfied. I was told that more was expected of me. I could not be myself. I had to be the person that my dad and fans wanted me to be. There have been so many lies. The more I thought of my life, the more frustrated and angry I was. I went into a rage and tore down all the Shirley Temple posters in my room. Stepmom had to come into my room and hug me until I calmed down. She hugged me and told me to love myself and follow my heart and dreams. I could be what I wanted.

I rang Cameron and apologised that he would not be working on my new album. I still wanted and needed his help, but I could not get Dad to change his mind. I hoped that Cameron would not be mad at me and forgive me. There was some silence and then Cameron assured me that he was not mad at me and knew that it was not my fault. He also told me that when I was 18. I would have to decide what my relationship was with Dad. He was right, and deep down I knew that I could not and did not want to distance myself from Dad.

It was time to do the new album, which was more indie and rock than the other albums I have done. Despite that Chloe and Nick were backing singers and we had fun, I did not enjoy doing the album. Even the record company thought it sounded too angry. I even was screaming in the title track like it was some heavy metal song. It was a song about the media and how they could not give me any privacy. The album was done very quickly and it was named "Society Radio". Dad was excited about it and thought its success would mean that we would renegotiate the record company contract where I would get higher royalties. I was just happy that I was finished with it.

I thought I could now have peace at home. This did not happen. Dad was screaming one morning when he was reading the newspaper. There were pictures of me when I was younger me wearing dresses and other girl clothes. The whole world knew now that despite I was a boy, I was treated and lived like a girl when I was smaller.