“Nice day for it,” I muse as I enter the park where the rest of the cricket team is assembled.

“Yep,” Stuart concurs. “Pity there’s no ‘it’ for it to be a nice day for, heh.”

“Well- yep, can’t argue with THAT,” I sigh as I gaze around at the other guys, all of whom- myself included- are keeping a distance of at least two metres away from each other.

After my return home to mine & Lee’s flat, I set about trying to rebuild my life after what happened at the New Year. I talked it over with Steve, my head lecturer from university, and reluctantly agreed to write off the year and start again in September (and in fairness, it’s not like my grades were that great to begin with). In the meantime, I began looking for short-term work, something to tide me over until September.

…And then the entire world- and not just mine, for once- got flipped on its head. Before I went into hospital, I’d never heard of the word ‘coronavirus’. Upon coming home, it was virtually all that the news could talk about- that, and the fear that it would eventually reach British shores. Then, the fear stopped- as it was here. All of a sudden, everything changed. Shops closed (apart from those selling essentials), sporting events- including, worst of all, the Premier League- were cancelled, and last, but not least, households were not allowed to mix. I couldn’t see anyone other than Lee face to face for three months (and even he was a rare sight, still being in- as in, actually ‘in’- university most of the time), I couldn’t go to the pub, to a nightclub, to a tattoo parlour or to a party at Charlotte Hartley’s house… and to be honest, I wasn’t too upset by this.

Many of my counsellors (who I still speak to regularly, albeit over Zoom) were worried that extended time by myself would be a hazard to my mental health, but if anything, the opposite has happened. I’ve had time to think, to reflect on my life, but also time to relax, time to be free of any burdens, any responsibilities, any pressing needs. For the first time in a while, I actually started to feel better about myself- though I know I still have a very, very long way to go.

Of course, all of this freedom from responsibilities has meant that I’ve largely been free from income as well- modelling work has completely dried up so I’m only getting the minimum retainer from Heavenly Talent, and Joshua Benedict won’t renew my contract even if I ask him to (which I won’t, and he has made it clear the non-renewal is to safeguard my mental health rather than the quality of my work). Having to redo a year of university means I'll have an additional year of student debt I wasn't accounting for, but on the positive side, on top of my retainer I’ve also been doing some buying and selling on eBay, though that can be a bit hit and miss. I’ve also been given a little extra pocket money by (remotely, of course) helping Grandma’s friends in Cardiff get online and up to speed using devices like iPads and laptops. Well, in between using my own laptop and tablet computers, anyway- while I'm enjoying the time to myself, I'm grateful that I can at least connect with friends online if I need to, which I have done regularly over the past four months.

And of all my friends who have remained in contact with me over Facebook and Zoom, none have been more regular than Stuart. While he won’t say it openly, I know he still blames himself for my ‘time away’, and while I certainly don’t blame him myself, I’m glad that he has 'toned things down' a bit. There are no more unannounced visits to my doorstep, no unplanned jam sessions, no making me go anywhere where I'd feel uncomfortable. Not that there’s anywhere to go right now…

The one main thing that time by myself has given me, though, is time to reflect on my transition. If I’d had this level of ‘sensitivity’ from my friends nine months ago, I’d have seen it as them treating me like a little sister, rather than a little brother. If I’d confronted my emotions the way I did during lockdown, I’d have considered it unmanly and proof that I somehow wasn’t ‘worthy’ of calling myself male. I now know these things to be stereotypes, unhealthy myths about masculinity and 'tests' that I don't need to subject myself to in order to prove that I am really a man. And yet, there's still a part of me that feels the need to 'test' myself, to prove, if just to myself, that I am really a man. The biggest ‘test’ so far, inspired by something Stuart said before I was discharged, came a month ago. While Lee was at university, I received a delivery from Amazon, and I don’t know what the delivery man must’ve thought when he saw my hands shake as I took receipt of it. I took it through to my bedroom and opened it to reveal a very plain dress.

Of course, compared to the clothes that ‘Kayleigh-Ann’ was forced to wear, this dress was little more than a long t-shirt- it had a high neckline, short sleeves, a knee-length skirt and was a plain dark grey colour. However, everything about it, from the softness of the fabric, to the floatiness of the skirt, to the fact that the size was listed numerically rather than using letters conveyed one message only- this garment was meant for women, and women only. However, the mere fact that the number on the label read '12' rather than the ‘8’ that most of ‘Kayleigh-Ann’s’ clothes contained was an immediate win for me. Slowly, I stripped down to my boxer shorts, before closing my eyes and pulling the dress over my head, letting it hang loosely around my knees. I turned around to face my mirror and opened my eyes, and the sight I saw nearly made me weep.

There, staring at me from my mirror, was the image of a man in a dress. A slightly shorter than average man, with an undeniably ‘cute’ facial structure and wider hips than normal, but a man nonetheless. I quickly took off the dress, packaged it up for return and pulled my clothes- IAN’s clothes- back on, before going about my day as the man that I am.

…Not that there was much else to do on that day or any other day, and no one to do it with, either. One side effect of not being at university in over seven months is not having to deal with Mac and/or Chloe, but it also means I barely speak to Ben anymore, and I haven’t seen Rob or Neil in the flesh at any point during 2020 either. And while Lee is more than happy to ‘keep me entertained’ when needed, I can tell the isolation is getting to even him, meaning my morning in the park today is more essential than ever to not just my, but everyone's mental health.

“Anyone else coming today, then?” Jonathan asks. “Not like I need to rush back to the office, heh.”

“Still working from home?” I ask, smiling sympathetically as the tall, dark-skinned man nods.

“Luckily our office’s landlord is being reasonable with the rent while we’re locked down, but- yeah,” Jonathan sighs. “Seems weird in a way, being desperate to get back to the office, especially in summer!”

“Well, there’s only so much music mixing I can do from home,” Stuart shrugs.

“Before your wife shouts at you?” Mikey teases, making me chuckle and my mentor roll his eyes. “And to answer your first question, Jon, I think we’re just waiting on the Hartleys, Keith and Reuben.”

“No- no women coming along today, then?” I ask, before rolling my eyes and trying not to blush at the playful jeers this question earns me- however, I know that the jeering is purely because they think I want a girlfriend, rather than a 'girl friend'- not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Though it's not easy to have any kind of love life when you've spent the entire year to date either in a psychiatric hospital or in a national lockdown.

“Somebody’s a bit fed up of being single, then?” Jonathan teases. “Seriously, Ian, if you DO want a girlfriend, the middle of a global pandemic is probably the wrong time to look!”

“It’s the wrong bloody time to do ANYTHING,” I retort.

“Well, can’t argue with that,” Paul sighs. “And you’re not the only one missing your workplace, I dread to think how many gym memberships we’ve lost, thank you very much Joe bloody Wicks.”

“The pandemic won’t last forever,” Stuart says in a calming voice. “We’ll get back to normal soon enough. All of us.”

“How many of us will get the virus before we do, though?” Paul asks, making us frown as we think about the friends of ours who haven’t been as lucky as us to avoid the virus, like Stephanie, who's still struggling with the after-effects many weeks after the virus supposedly left her body.

“…Well, that’s optimistic,” Mikey chuckles, before grinning widely as the Hartley family finally arrive. “Ah, speaking of biohazards…”

“Funny man,” Keith snorts as he and his brother approach, keeping six feet between them as they live apart. Much to my surprise, though, they're also accompanied by young woman with blonde hair, whose presence confuses me- Keith is (very famously) married to Charlotte Hartley, while Reuben is (also famously) engaged to Abbey-Gayle, and they don't have any sisters, so what relationship they are to this new girl is anyone’s guess. Especially considering how pretty she is…

Fortunately, we’re not kept in the dark for long about this newcomer.

“Guys, this is our cousin Leanne,” Reuben says as the blonde girl waves nervously. “She’s originally from Montreal but came to London to study, and three guesses why she can’t return home this summer.”

“Don’t think we need three,” Jonathan chuckles as the Hartleys take a seat together. “I would shake your hand, but three guesses why I can’t. Nice to meet you, I’m Jonathan, Jonathan Benedict.”

“H- hi,” Leanne says in a voice barely louder than a whisper that actually gets quieter as the rest of us take turns introducing ourselves.

“Our mother- well, Leanne’s aunt- thought it’d be good for her to get out of the house, meet what new people that she can under the circumstances,” Keith explains.

“And you chose us degenerates?” Stuart says, earning a group chuckle from everyone (myself included).

“She’s already met Charlotte,” Keith replies with a sigh, earning another chuckle. “We had a family barbecue last week, the kids were missing their grandparents and their uncle, and- yeah. Thought it’d be good for her to make a few additional friends. Which your wife kinda has a catchphrase about, doesn't she?”

“Touché,” Stuart says with a grin. “When we can, I’ll make sure to introduce you to Jamie and the other Angels as well.”

“Th- thanks,” Leanne whispers. “Though I- I do, you know, watch the show, so- heh. Feel like I know a lot of you already, I mean…” I smile as the Canadian girl’s voice trails off, though much to my surprise, she sneaks a furtive glance in my direction as she speaks- which confuses and momentarily panics me before I realise that there’s no way she could know me from the show, as I’ve received many reassurances that I do not appear on-screen in any episodes. Though this doesn’t leave a lot of reasons for why she’d glance at me. Unless I'm being a stereotypical BOY by assuming that she fancies me...

“Umm, what- what are you studying at university, Leanne?” I ask, trying desperately not to blush myself even as her cheeks redden.

“I’ve, umm, I’ve actually just finished a master’s in economics,” Leanne replied, lowering her head and hiding her face with her hair as we all let out impressed ‘ooh’s. “Now I’m, like, looking for a job, that sort of thing.”

“Here or in Canada?” I ask, mentally kicking myself about how ‘eager’ my question sounded.

“Umm, actually, ideally here,” Leanne replies with a shy smile. “Not like it’s easy to get a job ANYWHERE right now, but London’s got more, like, prestigious financial organisations, so- yeah. I miss Montreal, but at least I have, you know, family here, heh.”

“Your dad works in finance, doesn’t he?” Paul asks.

“Yeah, but we’re trying to avoid the whole ‘nepotism’ thing,” Reuben replies. “Our dad doesn’t want Leanne to feel, you know, obliged to follow down, like, a path…” Reuben’s voice trails off as he speaks, leading to an awkward silence for the group even as his words seem to resonate with me- I know a thing or two about family deciding my 'path' for me, after all.

“So, umm…” Paul mumbles. “Do they- do they play much cricket in Montreal?” Needless to say, this question earns a lot of good-natured jeers from the rest of us, though they quickly stop when Leanne’s face reddens even more.

“Ah- umm, no, not that I, like noticed…” The blonde girl replies. “Though I- heh. I- umm, I kinda- kinda played on my school’s girls’ rugby team, heh.”

“What, really?” Paul asks with a chuckle, smirking as Leanne bashfully nods. “No offence, but you don’t really, like, strike me as the type who’d enjoy rugby. Most rugby players I know look like- well, have his body type.” Jonathan rolls his eyes as Paul points at him, before letting out a snort of laughter.

“Well caught, just in time,” the dark-skinned man says- no doubt he's heard 'looks like him' many times in the past, and never in a positive way. “And for the record, I was crap at rugby at school. …Though I was pretty good at basketball, so- yeah, stereotypes and all that. How about you, Ian? Play much rugby at school?” My eyes go wide as I'm asked a question I've genuinely never been asked before- especially considering that just ten seconds ago, the asker of the question was chastising Paul for nearly being insensitive.

“What, seriously?” I ask, trying not to blush as Jonathan grimaces.

“Ah- shit, yeah…” my former boss mumbles. “I just thought, you know, ‘cause you’re Welsh…”

“Yeah, I- I went to school in London, and- yeah,” I mumble. “The ‘other thing’ as well…” At least I know she’s an Angels fan, so she shouldn’t give me TOO much grief, I think to myself. Depending on her attitude toward FtM people, anyway…

“What- am I, umm, Am I missing something?” Leanne asks with a concerned look on her face.

“I- umm…” I answer, only for my friend to interrupt me.

“I- I’ll tell you when we get home,” Reuben says gently to his cousin. “But it’s nothing you’ve done, really.”

“Anyway,” Keith says, trying to rerail the conversation, “how’s everyone been since we last got together?”

“Same as always, pretty much,” Paul chuckles. “They say they’ve ‘eased’ lockdown, but nothing seems that much ‘easier’ to me. You?”

“Same as always,” Keith chuckles. “Been looking at school uniforms as Little Keithy was meant to be in reception class at primary school for this last term just gone. Hopefully he’ll actually get to go to school in September, heh.”

“Yep, same for my oldest nephew,” Stuart says. “It was actually his fifth birthday yesterday, and me and Jamie sent along a card and a present, but- yep. Didn’t get to actually SEE him.”

As the topic of conversation turns to families and kids, I find myself gradually tuning out, though the smile stays on my face as I embrace the fact that I can actually be WITH people again- people who genuinely enjoy having me around, and vice versa. Throughout the conversation, though, I can’t help but occasionally glance over at Leanne, who looks increasingly anxious and bored as the afternoon goes on, and actually seems relieved as we start to disperse. As the Hartley family leave the park, I steel myself and take several deep breaths to calm my nerves before approaching them… only for a very tall figure to intercept me before I can even get close.

“H- hey, Ian, have you got a sec?” Jonathan asks nervously, before grimacing as he realises that he’s less than a metre away from me and standing back. Back far enough to obscure my view of the Hartleys- specifically, Leanne…

“Umm, okay…” I say, trying to keep a lid on my frustration. “You- you’re not offering me work, are you?”

“Ah- no, my uncle would kill me if I tried,” Jonathan chuckles. “I just- I just wanted to apologise when I put you on the spot like that, asking about playing rugby at school, I- yeah. Should’ve known better, and I’m, like, not just talking about the ‘Welsh thing’ or the ‘trans thing’, yeah…”

“You’re worried about the ‘mental health thing’?” I ask, smiling as Jonathan grimaces and nods. “It’s okay. I don’t mind a bit of teasing from friends, and while normally I’d ask you to not walk on eggshells around me, you- you kinda did put your foot in a bit, heh. But it’s okay, all is forgiven.”

“Thanks, man,” Jonathan says, before rolling his eyes and chuckling as he realises he subconsciously called me ‘man’ the same as he would any of his other friends.

“You’re welcome, man,” I reply with a grin, before sighing as I realise that the Hartley family are no longer in sight. “I’m gonna head home now, say hi to Viks and the kids for me.”

“Will do,” Jonathan says with a warm grin. "You're still up for the virtual watch along of the cup final, right?"

"Definitely," I say with a grin. "Even if me and Stuart aren't placing any bets this year, heh."

"I think Jamie would murder him when- WHEN- the Gunners batter Chelsea again, heh," Jonathan- a fellow Arsenal fan- says, his grin widening as I nod in agreement and slide down one sleeve of my jacket (well, my granddad's old jacket) to show off the tattoo on my arm of our team's logo. "Heh, and I think Viks would murder me if I got a tattoo like that," Jonathan continues. "Though I am still jealous of that jacket. Aren't you hot?"

"Maybe a little," I shrug. "Maybe it's the spirit of my granddad keeping me from getting heatstroke or something, heh. I- I’d better go now, though, don't want to keep Stuart waiting."

"I'll see you soon," Jonathan says with a smile and a wave as I put my facemask on and head toward my mentor’s car.

“Thanks again for the lift,” I say as I apply a dollop of hand sanitiser and fasten my seatbelt.

“It’s okay, figure this’ll be safer than you taking the tube, heh!” Stuart replies. “What did Jon want to talk to you about?”

“Meh, just his faux pas about the rugby thing,” I reply. “Told him it was no biggie.”

“Ah, mate, I know this isn’t what you want to hear but that sort of thing WILL happen all the time,” Stuart chuckles. “14 years later and people still, like, ‘forget’ around me only to squirm when they remember.”

“Yeah, it’s not the ‘forgetting’ I mind so much, it’s more the whole walking on eggshells thing,” I say.

“Yeah, that’ll happen all the time as well,” Stuart sighs. “I- I wouldn’t worry about it too much, better a bit of momentary embarrassment than people going full Linehan or Rowling on us.”

“Still a reminder that we’re different, though,” I mumble.

“Well- true,” Stuart says. “Nothing wrong with ‘different’, though. And I can guarantee Jonathan will probably have forgotten about this by this time tomorrow.”

“Well- I’ll try too, then,” I say, even though I know the memory will linger in my mind for months.

My counsellors did tell me- in as sensitive a way as possible, of course- that my mental health issues were exacerbated by me being transgender. This wasn’t said as a criticism, more as a statement of fact, but it still stang. Stuart’s right, of course, when he says that there’s nothing wrong with ‘different’, and it’s better to have people walk on eggshells than be outright abusive toward me, but what I don’t need- ever- is the constant reminder that I am different to other men. Naturally, the fact that I need to relieve myself when I get home does precisely nothing to help with this anxiety, and is also a reminder that whereas I might find Leanne cute- not to mention the many other girls I’ve found attractive- there’s no guarantee that she or anyone else would ever accept me as a boyfriend. Then again, there's no guarantee that she was checking me out this afternoon, or if it really was just my 'male ego' jumping to conclusions. Hell, there's no guarantee that she'd even want me as a friend, let alone boyfriend...

“Thought I heard the front door,” Lee says as I emerge from the bathroom. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a shrug. “Was good catching up with everyone. What’ve you been up to while I was out, then?”

“Just catching up on some engineering blogs,” Lee replies. “Want to get fully up to speed before I go back to Cardiff.” I try to avoid my friend’s gaze as he glances over at me- I know he feels guilty about returning to his parents’ home next month and leaving me alone, even though I’ve reassured him I’ll be fine- it’s not like I don’t have plenty of other friends, as today has proven. Then again, the last time Lee went back to Cardiff was over the New Year- a fact that lingers in my mind and no doubt does in his, too.

“You decided yet if you’re taking your PS4 with you when you go?” I ask, smirking as Lee rolls his eyes.

“Thanks, Ian, I’ll miss you too,” Lee snorts. “And no, I won’t be taking it, I’ll only be gone a month and dad has his own PS4, so- yeah. I will be taking the VR helmet, though, just in case you feel like bringing any girls back to the flat.”

“Yes, except that right now, I can’t bring ANYONE back to the flat, as you well know,” I retort. “Not that I’d have anyone to bring back, anyway…”

“And I know better than to accuse you of trying to make my headset perfumey by yourself,” Lee says, making me smirk- even if the joke was 'sensitive', it was still funny, and honestly, the fact that Lee feels comfortable enough around me to make the joke means more to me than even he probably knows. Though as he's been in counselling over the past few months as well, maybe he does know...

“You’re the one who bathes in Lynx Africa every morning,” I remind my best friend as I grab a can of Pepsi and sit down in my usual spot on the sofa.

“…Ah shit, you’ve got the look,” Lee says, making me tense up- I don’t feel anxious or stressed right now…

“Umm, no I don’t, I feel fine,” I retort, making Lee grimace.

“Not THAT look,” my flatmate says. “The look that says ‘I’ve seen a hot girl that I’m going to obsess over for the next few weeks’.”

“I don’t even know how to do ‘that look’,” I snort.

“Not consciously,” Lee retorts. “What’s her name?”

“There is no ‘her’,” I insist, before sighing as my flatmate continues to stare at me. “…Leanne. And no, I’m not just giving you the last two syllables of my deadname, that is genuinely her name.”

“Is she hot?” Lee asks, making me roll my eyes.

“She’s very good-looking, and no, I haven’t ‘called dibs’,” I snort. “And besides which, you have a girlfriend anyway!”

“Who I haven’t seen in months and probably won’t see for months more,” Lee says. “But seriously, if you like her, you may as well, you know, ask her out. Seeing as ‘asking her in’ isn’t really an option anymore. Who is she, anyway?”

“Keith and Reuben’s cousin,” I reply, sighing as I realise that Lee isn’t going to drop this. “She’s originally from Montreal, just finished a master’s degree in finance or something and has moved to London for uni and to find work.”

“Hmm, so before we even get into her looks,” Lee says, “she’s from a rich family, smart, going to be earning bucketloads of money working in the city and has a sexy foreign accent?”

“And, as she’s already been here at least a year, probably has a boyfriend already,” I say.

“Did she mention a boyfriend?” Lee asks.

“Not that I remember,” I reply.

“She probably doesn’t have one, then,” Lee says. “Especially if she’s living, like, in a foreign country.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not interested right now,” I mumble half-truthfully. “Well- not looking, anyway. Figure I’ve dealt with enough shit this year, not counting covid.”

“Well- okay,” Lee says, clearly deciding that it's in neither of our best interests to get into an argument right now. “If you consider having a girlfriend shit, well, fair enough.”

“Yeah,” I say in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“What are you doing the rest of the day, then?” Lee asks.

“Depends on what’s on the TV and what’s in the PS4,” I reply as I relax back into the sofa and try to take my mind off of things- Leanne included.

Naturally, the rest of the day is spent watching TV, playing on the PS4 and contacting Grandma about any potential ‘clients’ for my 'remote tech support' service. After a quick dinner, I head back into my bedroom, but despite being out and about today, I’m not that tired, so I spend a good chunk of the evening reading up on some of the course material sent to me by Steve (who’ll continue to be my regular university tutor next year, thankfully) and some basic coding exercises sent by Neil and Rob. However, as always happens, my attention soon drifts and I find myself browsing YouTube and Facebook instead, swiftly finding my way onto Leanne’s page, where a quick check reveals that she is- according to her Facebook profile, anyway- indeed single. After seeing that we have a large number of mutual friends, including Stuart and Jamie, I fire her off a friend request before heading to bed just after midnight.

My phone’s alarm wakes me just after 8:30am the following morning, and after taking care of my 'morning needs' I head through to the living room where I unsurprisingly find Lee already awake and reading his engineering blogs.

“Morning,” I say as I grab a cup of coffee and some breakfast. “Got much planned for today?”

“Only the exact same thing I’ve been doing every day for the last several weeks,” Lee replies, not even bothering to look up from his laptop. “How about you? Going to hook up with Leanne today, then? I saw you added her on Facebook last night. At least, I assume it was you that added her and not the other way around?”

“Huh, she must have accepted the request, then,” I muse as I sit down. “And no, nothing planned. Might go out for a run later if the weather stays nice.”

“Your boredom’s got THAT bad, then?” Lee asks, making me roll my eyes. “Or is it just pent-up ‘energy’ you need to burn off?”

“No comment,” I snort.

“And we all know what THAT means,” Lee chuckles. “I have found a Tabletop Simulator mod for Arkham Horror and some of its expansions, if you want to give that a go later? I’ve shown it to Rob and Neil and they’re pretty impressed by it, so we could call it a virtual games night, like we used to have back in Cardiff?”

“Sure, sounds good,” I reply with a half-hearted shrug.

“We’ll try to make it ‘guys only’, though,” Lee teases, making me sigh as while I know he means it as a compliment, he’s also teasing me about Leanne.

“Sure, if that’s what you want,” I say.

“Whereas it’s painfully obvious what YOU want,” Lee says, smirking as I roll my eyes and turn my attention to my phone, where I discover that Leanne has indeed accepted my friend request. I make a note of that as I continue to browse the rest of my social media, before eventually finishing my breakfast and going to get dressed. As I haven’t showered yet today, I pull on my workout gear of a plain pair of shorts and a t-shirt, before lacing up my trainers and warming up. After saying goodbye to Lee, I head out of the front door and begin my run.

Even though I am generally physically fit, I’ve never been much of a runner, and I’ve always been self-conscious about exercising in front of strangers. However, despite lockdown being ‘eased’, the streets are still empty enough at this time of day for me to be able to exercise in peace, and my toned, muscular body attracts a LOT of attention from the few women I do see on my run. Especially as, as I'm reminded every time I go out for a run, there’s nothing ‘bouncing’ in front of my chest to detract from my pecs…

My run takes me from my home in Highbury, around the Emirates Stadium and up to Finsbury Park, where I take a break to pick up something to drink. After I leave the shop, I remove my mask and take several deep breaths to prepare for the ‘return leg’ of my run, before I’m stopped by a familiar feminine voice- the last voice I expected to hear today or any other day.

“I THOUGHT that was you!” The girl’s soft Welsh twang says with a giggle as I slowly turned round. “Long time no see, eh?”

“Y- yeah,” I reply as I feel my tension levels start to rise. “H- hi, Chloe.”

“Hi Ian!” My ex-girlfriend giggles. “So, umm… How- how are things?”

“Oh, umm, complicated…” I mumble.

“Tch, for everyone right now!” Chloe says, gesturing to how she’s maintaining a two-metre distance between us. I imagine my life has been more complicated than yours since we last met, I think to myself with a frown.

“Well- yeah…” I mumble. I’m sure Chloe knows, or was at least told about my ‘enforced time away’ at the start of the year… “So, umm, are- are you staying in London over summer, then? I’d have thought you’d want to go back to Cardiff…”

“Ehh… not really,” Chloe replies. “I figure if I’m going to be locked indoors, better friends than family, right?”

“Yeah, you’d definitely be preaching to the choir there,” I chuckle.

“Your mum still lives in Cardiff, then?” Chloe asks, smiling sympathetically as I nod. “And you’re still living with Lee?”

“Yep,” I reply. “It- the arrangement works for both of us, so- yeah. Umm, are- are you, like, seeing anyone right now?” Fuck's sake I think to myself. Of course you had to ask THAT question!

“Not right now,” Chloe replies with a whisper. “Kinda hard to meet someone when we’re legally not allowed to meet anyone, heh. How- how about you? Are you, like, still hanging around with that Laura girl?”

“Umm, not really, and if we did, it’d only be as friends,” I reply. “And she’s got a semi-serious boyfriend anyway, so- yeah. So, like, I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

“…Why the emphasis on ‘right now’?” Chloe asks as I mentally kick myself yet again. “Are- were you, you know, seeing anyone?”

“Umm, nope,” I mumble in reply.

“Are- are you planning on seeing anyone sometime soon?” Chloe asks.

“Let- let’s drop the topic of our love lives for now, eh?” I ask, biting my lip as Chloe frowns.

“Okay,” The ginger-haired girl says in a curt tone that I know to be one of her many ‘pissed off voices’. “Are you- are you, you know, feeling better? I mean, after, like, New Year…” Okay, she definitely does know then, I think to myself.

“…I’m getting there,” I reply. “One day at a time, like.”

“Yeah,” Chloe whispers. “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know, okay? I mean, I- I DO still like you, you know?”

“Th- thanks,” I whisper, before realising something. “Hang on, you- you said right now as well!”

“What?” Chloe asks, frowning with confusion.

“When I asked if you were seeing anyone,” I say. “You said ‘not right now’ rather than ‘no’.”

“So?” Chloe asks with a defensive shrug.

“Well- ugh, nothing,” I sigh. “Maybe just a reminder of why it was probably a good thing that we split up.”

“If you say so,” Chloe mumbles. “Personally, I was beginning to think of this conversation as a reminder of why we were together for ages.”

“If you say so,” I echo. “I- umm, I should get going now, got to, like, finish my run…"

“Wa- wait,” Chloe says in an almost pleading voice. “I- I really do want to, you know, catch up with you properly.”

“Umm, okay…” I say, feeling my anxiety levels rise as Chloe’s deep blue eyes are filled with sadness.

“The way things ended between us- ugh,” Chloe spits. “I- I accept full responsibility for that, and I- I acknowledge that I played a role in what- well, what happened next. I wanted to contact you while you were- well, this January just gone, and it- it really broke my heart when your grandmother said I should stay away. But us coming together like this, today, it- it’s, you know, fate, right?” I pause and bite my lip as I consider my reply. Just seeing Chloe again has caused my entire body to tense up, and she was banned from seeing me while I was sectioned for precisely that reason. Things ending between us sent me into the downward spiral I only barely recovered from, and knowing her temper, if we did get back together, there’s no guarantee it wouldn’t happen all over again. On the other hand, Chloe is still as cute as she ever was, and I didn’t just like her, I genuinely LOVED her, and I know she loved me…

“It could- it could just be coincidence,” I mumble.

“I don’t believe in coincidence,” Chloe says softly.

“So it wasn’t coincidence that you got together with Mac after dumping me?” I ask, my stomach churning at the memory.

“Well- I guess not,” Chloe mumbles. “But- ugh. That was a stupid mistake, the worst I ever made. Ian, I- I genuinely don’t want to hurt you, not again. It- it’s okay to be vulnerable, you know? Mac was- he was just a tall idiot, you know?”

“Whereas I’m what, a short idiot?” I ask, inwardly grimacing. Why, exactly, am I trying to start an argument with her when I know the effect it'd have on my mental health?

“Ian, I’m 5’ 1”, everyone’s tall compared to me,” Chloe says, before we share a genuine giggle. “Ugh, I- I dunno. I guess it was maybe too much to hope for, I mean, I can hardly blame you if you never wanted to see me again, heh.”

“I- I’m not at THAT stage,” I say. “But I- yeah. Maybe- maybe a bit of space is best for now, but- but not, like, light years, if you get what I mean.”

“I think I do,” Chloe says, making no effort to hide her disappointment. “Well, you- you know how to get in touch with me when you want to. Give my love to Lee- you did say you’re still living with him, right?”

“Ye- yeah,” I say. “And I will. My- my love to your family as well.”

“Thanks,” Chloe says, before chuckling. “And I think they’ll need it more than me, Hannah was meant to graduate this summer, but obviously THAT’s not happening, and Rosie was SO pissed off that she wasn’t allowed to have a prom this summer, especially after getting an 8 in English and English literature, and a 9 in Welsh and- umm, yeah…” Chloe bites her lip and starts to blush as I try not to frown and fidget, though it's obvious she can tell just how uncomfortable I'm feeling simply being around her right now.

“Yeah,” I whisper. “I- umm, I’ll see you around.”

“See you,” Chloe whispers, before we both sigh and turn and head in different directions.

As I run back home, I replay the conversation in my head over and over again- despite desperately not wanting to. I think about all the things I said, all the things I didn’t say but wanted to, every little piece of body language and every facial expression on my ex-girlfriend’s face. I’d gone so long without so much as thinking about Chloe that simply seeing her again was a hammer blow to me. I try to rationalise it in my brain that it could’ve been worse- for example, if I’d seen Craig, or if my witch of a paternal grandmother had been alive- but even that doesn’t trivialise how stressed I am by even thinking about Chloe. And yet, the frustrating thing is that there’s a very large part of me that only remembers the good times, and does want to get back together with Chloe…

When I arrive home, the flat is empty, but a handwritten note from Lee tells me he’s gone to the nearby supermarket to pick up some supplies. After a quick shower (which includes shaving off the meagre facial hair I grew over the last ten days) I get dressed in my preferred jeans and Star Wars t-shirt before flopping down on the sofa with my phone and my laptop beside me. After watching thirty minutes of mind-numbing daytime TV, I turn my attention to my phone, and when I log in to Facebook, I’m greeted with a new message alert- from my newest friend.

‘Hey Ian,’ Leanne’s message reads. ‘It was nice meeting you yesterday, do you want to meet up some time for a drink or some food?’ It takes me 2 readthroughs of the message and an additional couple of minutes before I realise that what’s essentially happened is that Leanne has asked me out on a date. Instantly, my heart begins to beat faster at the prospect, but almost immediately after that my mind is filled with a million thoughts- all of which concern Chloe.

12 months ago, I’d have been paranoid enough to think that the world was punishing me by sending me face-to-face with my ex on the same day- the same hour, even- that I get asked out by another girl, but one positive thing I can take away from my chat with Chloe is that coincidences do happen. What matters most is how we choose to react to these random occurrences, whether we wallow in self-pity or seize the opportunities that are presented. And while talking with Chloe has made getting a new girlfriend a very low priority right now, thanks to the memories of the stress the relationship caused, I know that if I don’t reply now, I might not get another chance with Leanne- and as my friend Stephanie is fond of saying, you only regret the things you DON’T do. And while I don’t 100% agree with that statement (and I know the stress her own relationship has caused her), I do understand where she’s coming from.

‘Hi Leanne,’ I type. “It was great meeting you yesterday too! I’d love to meet up for a drink sometime, is there anywhere in particular you have in mind?’ I set my phone down, expecting not to hear back from Leanne for a while, before my phone pings to let me know of a new message- and it is from her.

“Right, unemployed, pandemic, probably not got much on her plate right now,” I mumble as I pick my phone back up.

‘I’m happy going wherever you like,’ Leanne replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘You’ve been living in London longer than I have after all!’

‘True,’ I reply with a ‘smiling emoji’ of my own as I ponder my next message, wondering whether what I’m feeling is anxiety because I know I don’t want a girlfriend right now- or excitement because I know I DO want Leanne… ‘I know a few places- have Keith or Reuben taken you to the Angels’ coffee shop yet?’

‘A couple of times before lockdown,’ Leanne replies. ‘I’d prefer somewhere a bit more outdoors though. No offence, but covid makes me really nervous.’

‘I think it does for everyone,’ I reply as I rack my brains, before smiling as an idea comes to me. ‘I think I know somewhere, brb just need to check if it’s open.’

‘Okay,’ Leanne types with an emoji as I bite my lip, unhappy to have fibbed to my potential girlfriend- it’s not that I know somewhere that’s open right now, but I definitely know someone who might know.

‘Hey Nikki,’ I type after checking to see that my fellow ‘Fellowship’ member is online. ‘Got a sec?’

‘Got several hours lol,’ Nikki almost immediately replies. ‘Still not back in the office yet and the Angels are all still doing interviews online so nothing for me to personally assist them with lol. What can I do for you?’

‘Need your contacts list if that’s okay,’ I reply hesitantly. ‘Got a potential date who wants to go somewhere outdoors, can you recommend any places in the city centre?’

‘Sure, I can think of a few off the top of my head,’ Nikki replies. ‘Are you sure you want to start a relationship now, though?’ I bite my lip as I pause- my friend having asked the question I've been asking myself ever since I first set eyes on Leanne. While I have been out of hospital for six months, I’d be lying if I said I was back to 100%. And, as my run-in with Chloe proved this morning, the last thing my mental health needs right now is another ex to deal with- especially as Leanne’s also related to close friends of mine. And there’s the fact that my mental health means I’m probably not great boyfriend material right now, and that’s before we get onto the topic of the other ‘thing’- or rather, lack of ‘thing’. Reuben may have told Leanne about my 'status', but I still don't know how Leanne will react to, well, 'it' when she meets 'it' in the flesh. Though with all that being said, I won’t know if Leanne’s okay with me being me until I actually ask her, she isn’t an ‘ex’ yet as I haven’t even gone out with her once, and I can tell just from two brief conversations that Leanne’s general mood is a lot less ‘spicy’ than Chloe’s, meaning that even if we did become exes it likely wouldn’t end as (literally) painfully as it did between me and Chloe. And I know that Nikki’s probably just looking out for me like the big sister that she’s decided that she is to all the younger members of the ‘Fellowship’. I can’t help but wonder if she has a point, though…

‘I’ll be fine, really,’ I reply. ‘It’s been ages since I last saw Chloe,’ another lie to a friend, nice going, I think to myself. ‘I’m feeling a lot stronger than I was this time last year, and Leanne seems like a really cool girl.’

‘Leanne as in Keith Hartley’s cousin?’ Nikki asks, making me grimace. Well, everyone’s going to find out now, I guess…

‘Yes,’ I type bluntly as I feel my cheeks redden despite my being alone. ‘Is there a problem?’

‘I don’t really know her that well,’ Nikki replies. ‘I’m just wondering if it’s safe to start dating someone new in a pandemic, that’s all.’ Which you were probably referring to instead of my mental health, I think as I grimace yet again.

‘That’s why I asked for somewhere outdoors,’ I type.

‘Fair enough,’ Nikki types with a ‘shrugging’ emoji. ‘And I suppose Leanne’s a nice enough girl, maybe a bit shy and quiet from what I’ve heard but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ll send you a few links to some food vendors me and Sarah have been to more than once, most of them should have reopened by now.’

‘Thanks,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji as I scan Nikki’s list, finding an ideal spot for the date before reopening up the chat with Leanne- and musing how Nikki- who was one of my biggest supporters while I was ‘away’- seemed satisfied by my response to her concerns regarding my mental health and dating again.

‘Hi again, sorry for the wait,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji before pasting the link to the food vendor into the chat. ‘How about this place? It’s pretty close to St. James Park, have you had the chance to visit Buckingham Palace yet?’

‘Lol first week I was in London,’ Leanne replies. ‘Beautiful part of the city though, I’d love to go there again. What time d’you want to meet up, late lunch maybe?’ Wh- today!? I think to myself. She’s eager, then…

‘Sure, works for me!’ I reply with a ‘smiling’ emoji as I suddenly feel my nerves start to jangle. Yet again, I’ve been dragged away from home at short notice, this time by someone I barely know. I feel my stress levels start to rise as I realise I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place- if I cancel or postpone, it’ll annoy Leanne and ruin any chance of a relationship with her, but if I concede and go today, I’ll end up being dragged around for the entire relationship. However, it’s pretty obvious which option is the lesser of two evils.

‘Actually, I’m feeling pretty tired after my run this morning,’ I type, my fingers shaking with every letter. ‘Can we do lunch tomorrow instead?’ Much to my surprise, the reply comes back almost immediately.

‘Sure,’ Leanne types, her ‘smiling’ emoji confusing me. ‘Tomorrow actually works better for me too, shall we say 1230?’

‘Sounds great!’ I type, my body decompressing as I actually start to look forward to the date.

It’s only when I end the chat that I realise how quickly things have progressed with Leanne. And while I certainly both like her and ‘like’ her, I barely know anything about her other than that she’s related to Keith and Reuben and she’s from Canada. Then again, as I try to remind myself, that’s the whole reason why a couple has a first date, and she’s certainly not shy about sending a Facebook message to me, so there has to be a part of her that ‘likes’ me just as much- even if she didn’t seem too upset by my postponing the date. Even though there’s a good chance that I postponed the date because I’m still hung up over seeing Chloe earlier today…

Fortunately, Lee returns shortly after I end my chat with Leanne, preventing me from overthinking the situation any further- and, more importantly, denying me the chance to try to contact Chloe. We’re not friends on Facebook anymore, but neither of us have blocked the other, and both of us know each other’s contact details off by heart, so all throughout the afternoon I keep nervously glancing at my phone, but much to my relief, no messages come through- from either Chloe or Leanne.

The rest of the day is spent indoors watching TV, eating dinner, playing videogames and deliberately trying to avoid social media. However, the temptation ultimately proves too great, and before climbing into bed I scroll through Facebook and Instagram, checking for new posts and followers- and I let out a long sigh as I see that several of my Instagram posts (including today’s post-run selfie) have received ‘likes’ from Chloe Barnard. I don’t see any notification of any ‘likes’ from Leanne Hartley-Jones, though- or even any indication that she’s followed me on Instagram…

I wake up the following morning just after 8:30am, and after checking my phone once again (but not finding any new ‘likes’, comments or messages from either Chloe or Leanne) I head through to the kitchen to eat breakfast, before showering and getting ready for the day ahead. As I’m going to be going out this afternoon, I don’t bother with a run this morning- I don’t want to be too sweaty for Leanne, after all.

Nonetheless, the morning seems to crawl by as I try to distract myself with reading for the next year (and technically previous year, I suppose) of my course when not watching TV or scrolling through Facebook. After what feels like hours- during which my stress levels reach levels I haven't felt since before my 'time away' earlier in the year- the time comes for me to get changed for my date. Thankfully, this takes very little time- just exchanging my jeans and t-shirt for a pair of smarter black trousers and a loose, short-sleeved button up shirt- and soon I’m on the tube, headed toward St. James’s Park. After exiting the station, I make the short walk toward the food stand Nikki chose for us yesterday, before smiling nervously as I see my date sitting by herself at a nearby table- and looking utterly terrified.

“H- hi,” I say softly, still managing to startle Leanne before she grins nervously upon seeing me. “Have- have you been waiting long?”

“Umm, no, only, like, five minutes,” Leanne mumbles in reply. “I- I’m usually really early for things, heh. I figure it’s better that than, you know, always being late…”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, smiling as I start to relax- notably, a lot more than I did when I saw Chloe yesterday. “Have- have you ordered yet?”

“Not yet,” Leanne replies, before smiling and joining me in the queue for food (albeit taking care to keep a 2-metre distance from me). “I- heh. I was almost convinced you weren’t going to show up, I- I’ve never, you know, actually asked a guy out before, heh…”

“Oh- umm, okay,” I say, unsure as to how to take this information. “Well, I- I’m glad you did, heh. You- you look really nice today.”

“Thanks,” Leanne mumbles, fidgeting as I gaze at her while trying not to stare too much. In her loose, knee-length summer dress and strappy flat sandals, she’s certainly made an effort- or at least compared to the ripped jeans and faded t-shirt she wore on Tuesday. “I- heh. Abbey-Gayle gave me a few pointers before the date, and- yeah. I- I’m not normally comfortable in dresses, heh.”

“I know the feeling,” I mumble, before grimacing and biting my tongue. “Umm, uh- how- how do you know Abbey-Gayle?”

“Umm, because- because she’s eng-“ Leanne stammers.

“…Engaged to Reuben, right,” I interrupt.

“She- she- well, she and Reuben, they- they also told me, like, about you,” Leanne said, making me grimace. “I- I don’t have, you know, any problems with- well, with anything. They- heh. They told me to, you know, be sensitive, and- yeah.”

“…Yeah,” I whisper. “If- if that’s, like, a problem, we-“

“Oh- oh, believe me, it’s not a problem at all!” Leanne chuckles. “I mean- heh. I’ve only, like, had one ‘proper’ boyfriend before, and he was an ice hockey player, and- yeah. Not really what you’d call ‘sensitive’, heh.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “And- and despite the accent, I've never actually played rugby, so- yeah.”

“Well, that- that’s national sporting stereotypes out of the way, then,” Leanne says with a nervous chuckle, before biting her lip. “And- umm, and I- I like your tattoos. What- what does that one say on your wrist?”

“What, goroeswr?” I ask, smiling before grimacing as I remember the significance of the word. “It- it’s Welsh, umm, for- for survivor.”

“…Yeah,” Leanne whispers, looking almost like she’s on the verge of tears herself. “Reuben and Abbey-Gayle, they- they, like, told me about that too…”

“Yeah,” I mumble, my cheeks feeling like they’re on fire. “And- and you still asked me out?”

“I did,” Leanne says with a proud smile. “I- heh. I had a feeling we were being set up when Reuben insisted I came with him on Tuesday. But I’m glad I did.”

“…Me too,” I say, sharing a smile with Leanne as we order our food and head back to her table. “So, umm, you- you don’t like dresses, then?”

“Well- umm, not really,” Leanne says, giggling before grimacing. “Oh- umm, not that- not that I don’t like being a girl, ‘cause I do, and it is fun to get dressed up sometimes, but- yeah. They’re not really fun in, like, Canadian winters, or whenever it’s windy in England, which it is, like, all the time, heh.”

“You- you do look pretty, though,” I say, smiling as the blonde girl’s face goes almost neon pink.

“Thanks,” Leanne whispers. “Abbey-Gayle, told me- well, she said I should, like, make an effort as, well, some of your previous girlfriends… yeah.” In particular, Chloe, I think to myself.

“Yeah, well, ‘previous’ is another word meaning ‘ex’,” I retort. “And they’re exes for a reason, so- yeah.” Though the fact you felt the need to make an effort for me is pretty flattering, I think to myself- which reminds me of the fact that thanks to me, this date is 24 hours later than Leanne had initially planned it to be.

“Yeah, umm- sorry if I, like, messed with your plans by postponing, I-“ I mumble.

“Oh- no, actually, I- I was kinda, like, grateful,” Leanne says, before grimacing herself. “I- umm, I felt kinda, you know, a bit too ‘forward’ when I suggested, like, a date with two hours’ notice, so- yeah. Sorry if I, like, stressed you out…”

“It- it’s okay, really,” I say, earning a smile. “I- heh. Not very ‘manly’ to say this, but I- I am still a bit, like, ‘delicate’ after what happened at the new year, and- yeah. Sometimes I do get, like, stressed…”

“it’s okay,” Leanne whispers with a genuine smile. “There’s nothing wrong with ‘delicate’.”

“Heh,” I chuckle. “So, umm, economics?”

“Umm- yeah,” Leanne giggles, lowering her face as she blushes. “I, umm, I- I’ve always had a head for numbers, and- yeah. Sometimes, I- heh. As, like, a stress relief kind of thing, I- I count up the number of letters in people’s names, erm- yeah…”

“Umm, okay,” I say with a smirk. “I- I study graphic design, and I- I have mild dyslexia, so that’s kinda outside of my skill level, heh.”

“Oh- umm, sorry…” Leanne mumbles, her cheeks reddening again.

“What about, the graphic design or the dyslexia?” I ask, biting my lip as Leanne glares at me, before rolling her eyes and giggling.

“Ugh, I dunno,” Leanne chuckles. “But you are, like, a perfect ‘ten’, so- yeah.”

“…That’s the number of letters in ‘Ian Freeman’, right?” I ask, smiling as Leanne nods.

“Not that you’re not, like, another kind of ‘perfect ten’, but- heh,” Leanne says before blushing again.

“Well, we’ve got plenty of time to find out,” I say, sharing a smile with the beautiful young woman as we tuck into our lunch.

Over the next few days, Leanne and I had yet more (outdoor) lunch and dinner dates, getting to know each other a little bit more each time. She learned about my love of football and music, I learned about her love of puzzles and word games, and we both found out (much to our mutual delight) about our love of science-fiction TV shows. Ten days after our first date, we made it ‘official’ by updating our Facebook statuses, much to our friends’ delight, and for the first time in a long time, I started to feel genuinely optimistic about my future, even despite covid restrictions preventing us from having ANY physical contact for the time being.

And yet, the more I got to know and like Leanne, the more I find myself thinking about Chloe, and what might have been between us…