“Have you ever talked to someone who really understands what it is like to be the real you?” asked Maxine when I had recovered at least a bit of my composure.

I shook my head.

“Then welcome to the club. I knew that I loved being a woman and when someone took a chance on me…”

Maxine laughed. It took a moment for me to grok why she laughed. I managed a smile.

“They took a chance on me and it paid off. Then I met the man who became my husband and things became settled but I didn’t get anything in the way of counselling until I came to fully transition. By then it was too late.”

“My guess is that you have had a few encounters with people who try to understand what it is to be trans but because they aren’t they… Well, they just can’t understand that being trans is not a passing fad but something that is ingrained in your soul. Nor can they grasp how alone you feel because of that lack of understanding. Am I even close to the mark?”

“Yes. Yes, you are. People who have been trying to help, try to mould me in their image of what a trans person should be like or to make me do things that I just don’t want to do.”

“I can understand that resistance to how other people want to mould you. I walked into my current life knowing most of the risks including falling flat on my face but l am like you in that I resisted doing things that I didn’t want to do. I was lucky in that my mother helped me with adjusting to living as a woman in the early days. From what I remember of the trial reports, you were very much on your own and probably still are?”

I shook my head.
“There is someone who I love dearly but…”

Maxine smiled back at me.
“She wants you to do something that is totally outside your comfort zone?”

“Yeah.”

She laughed.
“I had several instances where I was totally out of my depth but I had someone trusting me and supporting me until I got the confidence to go it alone. Does this woman understand that?”

“I don’t know and that is part of the problem.”

“Why didn’t you tell her?”

“I thought I did but I couldn’t seem to make her understand what I was feeling inside me.”

“Would you like me to try to help you convince her? By the sound of your voice and how you reacted, I think that you love her a lot but there are some barriers in the way of the two of you moving forward. If you don’t then I’ll say no more about it.”

“Thanks for the offer. I need to think it over.”

Maxine surprised me by standing up and taking my hand.

“Good. While you think it over, lets’ go for a walk and you can tell me how you came to be on that road when that tractor nearly ran you over. How does that sound?”

“Seems like a plan?”

She laughed.

“Not a plan but a possibility. Why don’t you get your boots and I’ll meet you outside in a few minutes?”

“What about the breakfast things?”

“They can wait.”

The way she said it, I knew that she wasn’t going to let me clear away let alone do the washing up. All that reinforced my view that this was not a woman to be trifled with. I’d never met many real women with such an air of confidence and that she was a transwoman made it even more unique. From where I sat, it appeared that she knew exactly what she wanted from life and that troubled me as I just could not picture myself in her shoes.

As I put on my boots, I wondered if she was going to be an interfering busybody or a valuable friend. There was no way I could answer that at the moment so it would be safer to go with the flow for the time being.

---

“I’ve only been here for seven months. I looked at a number of properties before deciding that this place was right for me,” said Maxine as we looked down the valley.

“Didn’t you say that you have some friends living close by?”

She smiled back at me.
“I did and they live down the valley and to the right. Most of that wood is part of their property. Michel is a very self-sufficient sort of person and he recommended this place to me but wanting to take the first place I saw, I looked around.”

“It is very beautiful here,” I remarked. The silence was deafening.,

“It is. The old cowshed is what swung the deal for me.”

“But you aren’t going to keep cows or any livestock, are you?”

“No, but the roof is south facing on the other side. I have over sixty solar panels installed on it. I’m off the electricity grid here. They came and disconnected me just before lockdown.”

“Oh. I didn’t realise.”

“That’s the point. With all that solar and a lot of batteries, I am self-sufficient in energy and that includes charging my car.”

“It seems that you have an idyllic life here?”

“When I get everything related to my business moved down it will be.”

“Business? What do you do for a living?”

She let out a little laugh.
“It is not really a living. It has become more of a vocation. I invest in businesses and become more like a partner than anything else. There is a hotel down near the coast that I’ve owned at least a third of for several years. I work with the owners to improve the business both financially, ethically and sustainably. The last part is now the most important part of my work. But enough of that. How did you come to be walking towards Totnes yesterday afternoon?”

“I came to find my Uncle Wallace but his house had recently been sold. The new owners seemed to think that he had died.”

“Then we must get to the bottom of that before you return to where your friend is…?”

“She’s near Leicester. I came down on the train yesterday. I was going to walk it but she…”

“She had other ideas?” suggested Maxine.

“She did.”

“She sounds like an interesting woman. She seems to know her mind even if it gets a bit cloudy when looking in your direction?”

I laughed at her description.
“I’ve never heard it described that way before. I must remember that.”

“You are more than welcome but remember the old saying… ‘Love is blind’. I think that many of us tend to put on rose-tinted glasses when trying to see our loved ones clearly.”

“You are right there. I couldn’t see what my fake wife was doing even though it was right under my nose. Even after she kicked me out, I could not believe it.”

“Don’t berate yourself. Many people are like that when it comes to those to who they are closest too. You think that they can’t be doing what they are doing. Love is a strange thing. Why else do so many women put up with their partners using them for a punchbag eh?”

She shook her head. I knew only too well what she meant.

“Are you sure that you aren’t a trained counsellor?”

She laughed.
“Not me. But I’ve seen it happen right in front of my eyes. One of the businesses that we invested in, was a family-run thing but the wife was very much in the background. Her husband made some really crass decisions and ignored his wife’s protestations. My husband agreed with her and together, they voted him off the board and out of the company. He didn’t like it and took it out on her physically. He’s now in prison. “

“He sounds like a good man? Your husband that is?”

“He was.”
She sighed.
“I miss him every day.”

She smiled at me.
“Are you going to tell her what you really think about her and what you want from her in return?”

She’d hit me right in the stomach. This woman was getting right into my inner sanctum. Fuck her but she was right.

“I want to say things but I can’t then… then the only thing I can think of is to get the hell out of town.”

To my surprise, she took hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Isn’t it time to get beyond that?”

“You make it sound so simple…”

She smiled at me and gave a small laugh.

“The first time I was let loose on my own I felt like such a fraud. I didn’t have any qualifications apart from some common sense and an inquisitive nature. I wanted to exit stage left at the speed of sound then my Adrian said to me, ‘they won’t bite. Those two women are good people’. But… I stepped forward and introduced myself. Inside I was virtually pissing myself but it all worked out in the end. Those two women are now two of my closest friends.”

“Are you up for giving her a call? Why don’t you get her down here so that you can have it out face to face at a neutral venue? Tell her how you feel about her and how you don’t want to be put in a bottle but you need her support to help you find your way in your new life? As a woman that is.”

“Do you think that I could do it?”

She laughed at me.

“Darlin’, every move you make screams woman. I saw that the moment you dragged yourself out of that bank of nettles. If that is the result of her education then she is one hell of a teacher.”

Then she tossed her phone over to me.

I gave her a great impression of a statue for well over a minute.

She was right but at that moment I hated her and just about everyone else I’d met since I was turfed out of my safe and very cosy existence at home.

---

“Hello Serena,” I said hoping to sound hopeful.

“Yes, I found his house but…”

“Uncle Wally died. I have not got to the bottom of when and how yet.”

“No. That’s not the reason for my call. Can you come down to Devon?”

“Yes today. We have things to discuss and… and I’d rather do it here.”

“No, I’m not going to piss off again. I met someone who has helped me put things into perspective.”

“She’s… she’s like me but different if you know what I mean.”

“Yes. She is here. I’m using her phone to call you. I left mine in my bedroom.”

“I do need to see you. There are things that we need to talk about.”

“You will? Thanks. I’ll text you the address where I am now.”

“The reason is… is that I honestly don’t have a clue apart from the fact that I’m not far from the edge of Dartmoor.”

“Ok. Let me know if you have any problems.”

“I love you. Bye.”

I ended the call without waiting for a response. I’d told her how I felt about her but I was still feeling unsure about how it had gone.

Maxine had given me some space to make the call. I waved at her to tell her that I was done.

“How did it go?”

“Ok… I think.”

“Is she going to come down?”

“She is. We need to text her the address.”

Maxine smiled back at me.
“Good. I’ll do that. My guess is that it will take her getting on for five hours to drive down here.”

“Yeah. That was my guestimate.”

“Perhaps we could find out what happened to your Uncle in the meantime?”

“The lady who lives in his old house gave me a clue about the solicitors who sold it at auction.”

“Sounds like a plan. Do you have enough ID with you? Solicitors are the cream of the crop when it comes to doubting what people tell them.”

“Is that experience speaking?”

“Not directly but I was witness to some gross misconduct when it came to denying what it clearly said in a will but you never know. My company lawyers are good people but they don’t handle personal cases.”

---

[Three hours later]
“Well Craig, are you pleased that we went inside? You were very reluctant to go in.”

“That’s me all over I’m afraid. I’ve always been a bit of a wimp at times like this. At least in the past two years.”

“That’s understandable given what you have been through. Putting that aside, what do you think?”

“I’d rather have Wally in my life but from what the reports say, we went out doing what he loved and to have his last wish granted like that was a fitting end to him.”

“And?”

“I didn’t expect to get what he left me in his will.”

“What are you going to do with the money?”

“I haven’t got it yet. It could be weeks before they are satisfied with my identity. Apparently, seeing my picture in the local paper after ‘her’ trial with my name on the caption isn’t enough.”

Maxine sighed.

I was beginning to read her. She was obviously displeased with me. She was frustrated with my avoiding the subject. That’s another of my traits.

“It will all work out for the best in time. You gave them the details of the CPS lawyer who prosecuted your ex. If they vouch for you then even that load of stuffed shirts will have to give in and let you have the money.”

I could not disagree with that argument.
Maxine continued,
“I think that we should head back to my place and think about something for the three of us to eat tonight? Do you agree?”

“Where is Serena going to stay?”

“There are four bedrooms at my home. All we need to do is make up another bed.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind? We seem to be imposing on you rather a lot?”

“Poppycock. I have the space and the lamb I was going to cook is really far too big for one.”

“You seem to have all the bases covered then?”

“Most of them. Any that aren’t can be kicked into shape at the appropriate moment.”

“I wish I had your confidence.”

Maxine took my hand again. Internally, I sighed. I was in for a bit of a lecture.

She laughed.
“I’m not going to give you a telling off. All I want to say is don’t be so down on yourself. From what I’ve seen of you, you are better than that. You aren’t a loser. Surviving out on the streets the way you did is something to be proud of. Far too many others would have given up and turned to drink or drugs or both. You didn’t. That is a huge plus in my eyes.”

She’d read me yet again. I had to admit to myself that this woman pretty smart indeed.

---

“Stop pacing up and down. Serena texted us to say that there was a delay just the other side of Exeter. She’ll be here soon enough.”

“I know but I have so much to say and… I don’t want to fuck it all up.”

“I’m sure that you won’t.”

Her words of support were scant comfort. She didn’t know me like I know me, the loser wimp king.

Serena arrived over an hour later than we’d expected. This didn’t faze Maxine one little bit which made me rather mad. Was there anything that could get under the skin of this woman? I very much doubted it. I’d never met anyone like her and probably never would again.

Maxine made herself scarce when I went out to welcome Serena. She didn’t look very happy with life.

“I hope that this is going to be good? The last hour and a half were about the worst traffic I’ve ever been in.”

“Sorry about that. I sort of forgot that everyone and their dogs would be on the road today.”

“Our host has a meal ready for us. Let me show you to your room. Then you can freshen up before we eat.”

“I’m staying here?”

“Yes. I stayed here last night after Maxine rescued me.”

“Rescued you?”

“Yeah, I had to escape a marauding tractor and the only place for me to go was a bank of nettles. I’ve been stung before but this was something else.”

I led her upstairs hoping that my day would not go TITSUP [1] at this late stage.
“This is your room. It has a lovely view down the valley. My room is next door.”

“Thanks.”

Then Serena looked at me and smiled.
“Sorry for tearing you off a strip just now.”

“That’s ok.”

She took my hands in hers and smiled.
“There is something different about you. I can’t put my finger on it but there is something.”

“Bollocks. I’ve only been gone 36 hours.”

“Yes, it has only been a short time but you have changed.”

“I hope it is for the better?”

Serena just smiled.

---

Serena was a little hesitant to go out onto the terrace where Maxine was sitting in the late afternoon sun.

“She won’t bite you know,” I said hoping to reassure her.

“But what you have told me about her seems incredible.”

I smiled and took Serena’s hand in mine.

“I’ll let you make up your own mind.”

We walked out onto the terrace holding hands. I felt that at least Serena wasn’t giving me a real big cold shoulder at least for the time being.

“Maxine, this is Serena.”

Maxine stood up and gave Serena a hug. I smiled. Hang the virus.

“Welcome. I’m glad that you made it. Craig was driving me mad telling me how nice a person you are.”

I felt myself going a bit red in the face.

“Thanks Maxine. I don’t want to put you out.”

“That is one thing that you aren’t doing. You two are the first real visitors I’ve had here since January. Other than that, I’ve been on my own other than my neighbours.”

“It is nice that you get on with them. So many people don’t know who lives next door to themselves,” remarked Serena.

Maxine laughed.
“I was the one who introduced them to each other. Four and a bit months later, they were married.”

“Oh!” exclaimed Serena.

“Please pour yourself a glass of wine. I’ve setup the table out here. It is a glorious evening so I think that we should enjoy it. I’ll go and get some nibbles to tide us over until the meal is ready to serve up.”

“Thanks Maxine,” I said.

Maxine disappeared into the house.

“She seems nice,” said Serena.

I tried hard but could not stop myself from laughing.
“Nice? Is that all?”

“What do you mean?” asked Serena.

I looked at her right in the eyes.
“She’s… She’s like me.”

It took a second for Serena to register what I’d said.

“Oh shit.”

“Yes, my darling. That’s what I said when she told me.”

“She told me. The why is all down to you. What you hammered into me these past months about how to move and all that? Well, it worked. Maxine sussed out what I was almost instantly. At first, I felt like running, but she very gently talked me around, and we spent a lot of time talking last night and again this morning. I didn’t know that I needed help from someone like her but suddenly, things became clear about what I need to do.”

“That sounds awfully final?”

Those were the words that I had dreaded hearing.

“Not final but we need to make some decisions together.”

“Together?”

“Yes, my darling, together. No more of this trying to dictate to me about what I should do. If we are truly going to be a couple then it has to be as equals.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“What I’d like is for us to live together as a normal couple but not in the spa. Just us and without the problems of the spa ever present.”

“But… I have all my money tied up in the place.”

“I know. That’s where it gets hard.”

I gripped her hand tightly.

“If you can sell it to that company that has been sniffing around recently then do it. Yes, you might lose some money but that’s where I can help.”

“You? How?”

“Uncle Wally left me just over two hundred grand provided I wasn’t married to Imanuella. I’m not married so all being well then in a few weeks, I’ll have a nice nest egg to put into the kitty for us and our future. If you want to that is?”

“Oh!” exclaimed Serena.
“How did he die?”

“Apparently due to heat stroke and dehydration. He’d taken his 45ft ketch, the ‘Black Pig’ to the Caribbean. She was found drifting off of Barbados by their Navy. There was no water on board. The investigators found a small leak in the water tank. He’d left Jamacia three weeks earlier bound for Tobago.”

“A sad way to go.”

“It was but at least he died at sea. He was cremated and his ashes scattered at sea by the Barbadian Navy. That was in his will along with what should happen to his house and possessions.”

I leaned over and kissed Serena. At first, she resisted but she soon responded.

“Do we have a deal? Be ourselves for the duration of this pandemic and then decide what we are going to do with our life?”

Serena leaned back. I could see a tear forming in her eyes. The spa/clinic had been her dream but the sodding virus had got in the way big time. At least that was what I was hoping that she was thinking.

“I don’t know,” she muttered.

“We have a bit of time to think about it don’t we? But time will be of the essence if you are going to sell up and lot lose a lot more money.”

“What do you mean?”

“A second wave of the virus in the Autumn and Winter. That coupled with a lack of any approved vaccines could lead to an even longer lockdown.”
“Where did you hear all that?”

“Radio 4 Today programme this morning. I did a bit of searching after we came back from Totnes and the Solicitors. That’s what the experts are fearing.”

“I hadn’t thought that something like that is a possibility?”

“The simple fact that people will be indoors more in the winter will make spreading the virus a lot easier. Until we get the majority of the population vaccinated there is just about zero chance that we can get back to normal.”

Serena didn’t look very happy.

“I know it hurts but sometimes the things that happen in the real-world sucks.”

“Ok. Ok.”

I let her think some more. All I could hope for was that she’d come around to my way of thinking.

We didn’t get the chance to resolve it there and then as Maxine appeared with our evening meal.

“I hope the two of you are hungry, I’m afraid that I have gotten out of practice of cooking for more than one person.”

---

When we’d finished eating and chatting, Maxine stood up and said,
“Don’t worry about clearing these things up. I’ll do it in the morning. I’ll let you carry on talking. I’m going to watch some TV and then go to bed.”

“Thanks for the food Maxine, it was delicious.”

“Glad to hear it. Good night to you both.”

I waited until Maxine had gone inside the house before turning to Serena. She appeared to be in a world of her own.

“A penny for them?” I said quietly.

She didn’t react for over a second.
“Oh! Sorry. What did you say?”

I smiled back at her and said,
“I asked if you had a spare pair of knickers I could wear?”

For half a second, she looked surprised then she saw the funny side of what I’d just said.

“You nearly had me there.”

I leaned over and kissed her. I could taste the garlic from the roast lamb that we’d just eaten. It… it tasted nice.

---

“Good Morning,” said Maxine as she entered the kitchen carrying a tray of eggs.

“Where did you get them?” asked Serena.

“From my neighbour down the valley. I regularly go for an early morning walk and pick up some eggs on my way back. Michel suggested that I give you a dozen or so to take back to Leicester with you.”

“Are you wanting to get rid of us?” I asked.

Maxine laughed.
“Not in the slightest. As these were laid overnight, they’ll keep for a couple of weeks. The real question is, have you two come to a decision? If not then you are more than welcome to stay. I have a meeting in Tavistock later this morning otherwise, I am free until next Wednesday when I’m going up to London for a few meetings and to get my hair done.”

She didn’t wait for an answer but immediately began to prepare breakfast.

“How hungry are you both?” she asked once the coffee percolator was on and the kettle on the range warming up.

I looked at Serena. She was still half asleep which was most unusual for her.

“Coffee and toast for me. Sleepy head here will have Tea and toast if it isn’t too much trouble?”

“Not in the slightest. You are my guests so…” said Maxine smiling.
“The bread is in the bin behind you Craig. It was made the night before last just three miles from here.”

As I turned to get the bread, Serena said,
“Is everything you eat local produce?”

Maxine smiled.
“I try as much as possible to shop and eat local. We have some of the best food in the world right here in the Southwest. I support local businesses as well as invest in them. The meeting I’m having later is to discuss a project to produce bio-diesel from cow and pig slurry. The farmer brings a tanker load to the plant and leaves with a few hundred litres of bio-diesel.”

A few minutes later, we sat down to eat breakfast. I looked at Serena. She gave me a little nod.

“Maxine, we have decided to go back to Leicester together. Serena is going to try to sell her place ASAP even if it means a loss. We talked until the early hours about all sorts of things and we agreed to sit out any possible second wave over the winter. In return, my slave driver here will finish schooling me in the art of living as a woman. Then I’ll change my name and carry on from there.”

Maxine smiled.

“Good for you but from my own personal experience, I’d get the name change out of the way sooner rather than later. Have you decided on a name yet? I changed mine almost the first day that I started living as a woman.”

I nodded.
“Sara Scott.”

Then I asked,
“Do you ever have any regrets about your transformation?”

“Not really. I guess that I was lucky in that I had a wonderful man in my life helping me all the way and my Mother was right there for me when I had moments of panic. Here I am today, relatively happy with my life and doing things that I enjoy. Do I ever ask myself what would have happened if I had said ‘No’ at any one of a dozen points in my journey? Not really. I’m here and it is up to me to make the best of it along with my partner Hayley who is as I said yesterday away at the moment. Does that answer your question?”

“I think so. I guess that we should just accept that the journey to who we should be is not easy but it really helps if you have the support of a good person who will stand by you all the way.”

“That’s about it,” confirmed Maxine.

“Look, if either of you ever need to talk things through with someone who has probably been there, done that and got the ‘T’ shirt then just pick up the phone. Ok?”

“Thanks Maxine. It is good to know that there is someone out there who can and is willing to help.”

Maxine smiled.
“Just a bit of advice. If you start taking Hormones, they can really mess your brain up. For a while I was a right state. I said and did things that I regret. Once the doc had sorted out the right dose things got a lot better. However, there are many transgendered people who don’t go the whole way. They can and do live a happy life still with functioning male parts if you get my meaning. From my limited experience, this is especially true if their partner stays with the person transitioning. They have needs as well if you get my drift?”

“We do. We have talked about that and that decision is still up in the air.”

“Take your time and make the decision together. That’s what Adrian and I did. At first, I wasn’t sure about how far I’d go but after a couple of years, it became clear in my mind that I had to do the job properly. Adrian helped me all the way,” said Maxine.

I saw a tear well up in her eyes. It was clear to me that she missed her husband. What I didn’t get was why she was having a woman as her next partner? That was a mystery that I might never understand. I looked over at Serena and thought myself lucky to have met her.

---

“Remember, you know where I am if you need to talk,” said Maxine as we climbed into Serena’s car.

“Thanks Maxine. I can almost forgive that tractor driver because it meant that we met you.”

Maxine went a bit red in the face but smiled all the same.

“Drive safely,” she said as Serena started the engine.

---

Our drive back to Leicestershire was tense. I wanted to say so much but this was neither the time nor the place to do that.

When we arrived back and had unloaded the car, I decided to bare my chest.
“Serena, I want to apologise for being such an idiot. It wasn’t until Maxine… until she told me straight to my face that I was being a total idiot and that I should make up my mind about us and then she said in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get my act together then I was… The words she used to hurt me hard but to hear the truth from someone like me was to put it bluntly, a nasty shock.”

Serena smiled.
“She’s quite a woman, isn’t she?”

“She is and… well, I can’t imagine her as a man.”

“You got really lucky when she rescued you. She was able to tell you things that I could not imagine.”
Serena smiled at me.
“She changed you.”

“For the better, I hope?”

“The jury is still out. Only time will tell on that but so far, the signs are good.”

“I know one thing.”

“Eh?”

I smiled at her before saying,
“I’m done going walkabout…”

---

Thanks to Maxine kicking me up the backside, Serena and I became a lot closer and more open about our problems. I made Sara a legal entity a few weeks later. On that same day, Serena’s business was sold. Although she made a small loss, the experience would be useful in the future whatever and wherever that might be.

Maxine had shown me that there was a way forward for me as a woman. It is now down to me with the help of Serena to take it.

We had time to be together without a lot of pressure from others because of the pandemic. Serena was a hard taskmaster when it came to getting rid of the rough edges that Sara had in so many places. When we finally were able to return to something approaching normality, I felt a lot more confident in the role that I was being asked to play in society.

With Serena at my side, I was no longer a down and out but someone on the up and ready to face whatever brickbats society might throw at me or rather should I say ‘us’?

[The end]

[1] TITSUP : Total Inability To Support Usual Performance