“It’s weird how this has become just, like, normal again,” Lee says as we pull on our coats and head out of the flat, locking the door behind us as we go. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love university, but you know? I kinda, like, got used to it being summer, having all the time to myself… Am I making any sense?”

“Maybe a little,” I reply, smirking as my flat mate rolls his eyes. “But I kinda get what you mean, I think.” Even though my summer was a hell of a lot busier than yours…

Like Lee, I’m looking forward to getting back to university, though unlike him, it’s less about my coursework and more to do with the other 'work' I did over summer. During the extra-long break, both Lee and I opted to live in our student flat in London rather than return to Cardiff. We did make the occasional trip back to Wales though, to see Neil and Rob mainly, but the majority of our time was spent in England. There were many reasons for this- my main reasons were that other than Neil, Rob and Grandma, I had no one to return to in Cardiff. Okay, technically you could include my mother in that list, but the more time passes, the less contact we have with each other, and that’s an arrangement that more than works for me. One person you certainly can’t include in the list of ‘people who live in Cardiff that I want to see or vice versa’, though, is Chloe. We’ve not spoken at all since our breakup other than the odd interaction on Facebook, and even then it’s just the occasional ‘like’ on each other’s posts, we've certainly not exchanged any words, not even in the comments section of said posts.

However, it’s not like I have hundreds of girls waiting for me in London, either. After our first morning of 'fun' was ruined by her brother, Laura and I have kept to our promise to be ‘friends without/with occasional benefits’ for the time being, especially since just days after our morning together, she tried (and very nearly succeeded) to seduce the captain of our cricket team. I think that ‘incident’ proved to be a turning point for Laura, who seems to be finally getting the help she needs following the incident with her ‘father’ last Christmas.

…Help that I’m also getting, thanks to both my friends and the professional support I’ve continued to get from Dr Phillips over the summer. They’ve helped me to realise that I am not beholden to either of my parents, that I owe my father nothing for the years of borderline neglect he gave me, and that I am under no obligation to follow the path that my mother has laid out for me. Slowly, I am beginning to realise that they’re all correct, and that I do have the right to be my own man… Though after the summer I’ve had, that's something that's a lot easier said than done.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had plenty of work to occupy my time over the summer. Despite their ever-growing roster of models, Heavenly Talent’s prestige means that it almost always has more demand for work than it can fulfil, so all throughout summer I was either scheduled to work on jobs or called up last minute to fill in for other models. The net result of this is I spent a good chunk of my summer holiday travelling all throughout London (and often to other parts of the country too) and spending hot summer days indoors in front of cameras. This had the added (and, in fairness, welcome) effect of increasing the size of my bank balance, but has also increased my following on social media platforms, which has led to yet more money from paid promotions (minus the agency's cut, of course)… and also the size of my stress levels.

It’s not like the work was particularly difficult- okay, I was on my feet most of the time, but I’m pretty fit, so that’s not much of an issue, and the clothes I was modelling were all unambiguously masculine rather than androgynous thanks to some strict 'conditions' my agent at HT (under the orders of Joshua Benedict himself) imposed on every job I did. However, every time I heard the camera’s shutter close, every time the flash went off, I pictured my mother looking on disapprovingly- or even worse, approvingly. And in every other flash, I pictured Chloe’s face, the way she smiled… the way she scowled at me when we split up…

And it’s not just work that’s been keeping me busy either. Most weekends during the summer, I was stood on a cricket field with ten of my friends (assuming you include Laura’s brother, who still doesn’t fully trust me). Paul (our captain)’s enthusiasm for the game quickly caught on with the rest of the team, and we finished solidly in the top third of the amateur league we were signed up to. I'd be lying, though, if I said that I shared the enthusiasm enjoyed by the rest of the team. It’s not that I hate the sport, and it is good exercise, but all throughout the summer break it was like every time I wanted to sit down and have some time to myself, or watch a movie or play a videogame, I was being dragged back out to a cricket match, or practice- or to work…

Worst of all is that thanks to Reuben Hartley and Marley Fullerton being part of the team, I had to hang out with their girlfriends too- their girlfriends being Abbey-Gayle Simpson and Georgie Powell respectively, which naturally also meant that they dragged Brooke and Maisie along with them too. And while I did spend the vast majority of my time interacting with the boys (and Georgie being mercifully quieter than I remember), I still at times felt like I was fifteen again, forced to hang out with people I couldn’t stand, with a hollow smile on my face and nothing but stress eating away at my stomach… A stomach that still, frustratingly, contains the parts with which I was born.

Logically, it seems like it shouldn’t affect me- after all, I had top surgery last summer, which was much more significant when it comes to my day-to-day life, and thanks to my hormone regimen I haven’t had any 'monthly troubles' in ages. However, not a day goes by when I’m not aware that I am not like any of the other guys that I know, especially when changing for the cricket team- even Stuart is ‘built’ differently to me now. And even worse than that, not a day goes by when I’m not reminded that I still have a uterus and ovaries packed into my insides. I should have had a hysterectomy this summer to ‘correct’ this ‘defect’, but thanks to my other responsibilities, that’s had to be put on hold for now. And every day that my ‘defect’ remains inside me, I feel my stress levels just grow higher and higher, to the point that I almost wish I could take my favourite giraffe toy with me everywhere I go.

Thankfully, though, today is the first of October, which means two things- firstly, it’s autumn, and cricket season is over for the year, and also that university is very much back. Last week was fresher's week, which was some of the most fun I've had in a while. Unlike with my summer obligations, I needed no persuading to help out welcoming the freshers to the university, and I was especially eager to help represent the LGBT society. Especially because, as with most things in life, the best thing about being transgender- for me, anyway- is the number of friends I make with whom I have something in common, on whom I can rely and who can rely on me for support. Hopefully, I’ll make even more friends like that this year. I may even meet a girl who’ll become more than a friend. For now, though, I’m more than happy to be back studying a topic I enjoy and hanging out with my two existing friends.

“Alright mate?” Mac asks as we rendezvous outside the main entrance of the university.

“Yeah, not bad thanks, you?” I reply.

“Gradually getting back into the swing of things,” Mac chuckles. “Have you had a look at our first assignment yet?”

“Ehh… I’ve had a look at it, not started it yet though,” I reply. “Still trying to get my breath back after summer, heh!”

“Yeah, I can see how it’d be exhausting,” Mac says with a snort of laughter. “Getting paid to hang out with models all summer…”

“Heh,” I chuckle, barely suppressing a growl of irritation. Thankfully, before I can retort, we’re interrupted by the arrival of the third member of our ‘gang’.

“Hey guys!” Ben says enthusiastically.

“Hi mate!” Mac says as I bite my lip before deciding to let Mac's 'models' comment go. “Get up to much last night?”

“Meh, the usual,” Ben replies. “Reading, coursework prep, played a bit of Control. You?”

“Pretty much the same,” Mac replies with a chuckle. “Watched a few more of those Endgame videos, you know, the audience reacting to things like Cap picking up the hammer?”

“Yep,” Ben replies with a knowing grin. “Have you seen the credits one yet? Never seen crowds go that mental for CREDITS before.”

“I’ll check it out when I get home,” Mac says, fidgeting in a way that's very unusual for him.

"Assuming we don't get overloaded with more coursework, anyway," Ben says with a chuckle as the three of us head to our first lecture of the day.

After a morning of taking notes and getting to grips with yet another new kind of image editing software, the three of us head to the cafeteria for some much-needed refreshment.

“So then,” Ben asks as we eagerly wolf down our burgers and fries, “had a chance to check out any of the new freshers yet? Seeing as you’re both, well, single?”

“Umm, not yet,” I reply, frowning as my stomach grumbles at the mention of my ‘single’ status. “Might do tonight, we’ve got, like, an LGBT society meeting to welcome the new freshers tonight.”

“Which might be a bit awkward, seeing as you’re straight,” Mac says, smirking nervously- which, again, is unusual for him- as I roll my eyes.

“Why- if you don’t mind me asking, that is,” Ben says hesitantly. “But why- why is, you know, ‘T’ included with ‘L’, ‘G’ and ‘B’ anyway? From everything you’ve told me and everything I’ve read, gender identity doesn’t have anything to do with sexuality, does it?”

“Not in my experience,” I reply. “But our experience of bigotry is almost always the same, so that’s why we’ve got to, you know, stick together. Solidarity, that sort of thing."

“So, the society is kinda like a safe space for everyone?” Mac asks, smiling as I nod.

“I’m sure I explained this last year, but yep, pretty much,” I reply.

“What about, you know, women- well, ‘L’s who feel that ‘T’ shouldn’t be included?” Ben asks. “Like, those women who marched at Pride last year?"

“It- it doesn’t really affect ME much, for obvious reasons,” I reply, smiling sympathetically as Ben bites his lip and tries not to blush. “But, like, some of my friends have said they’ve had some hassle… eh. I’m kinda in a unique position, actually, especially with all the idiots in America- and far too many over here, too- who say that people should only use toilets that match their birth gender. Usually women, usually TERFs who say that. They’d be pretty surprised if I went into the ladies’ with them, that’s for sure!”

“Heh, nice,” Mac chuckles. “Never had any problem from, you know, guys about the same thing?”

“Not even once,” I reply with a shrug. “I don’t doubt there are some guys out there who would have a problem, but the only problem I’ve really had is gay guys at the society being disappointed that I’m straight, heh. And even then, many of them aren’t put off by the fact that I’m trans.” I smile as I gesture to the tattoo on my arm, which is clearly visible under the sleeve of my t-shirt.

“What- what do you guys do at the society, anyway?” Ben asks.

“Umm, well, it’s not like we have an orgy or anything,” I reply, grimacing as my friend again blushes. “We just, you know, hang out, have a few drinks, talk to each other… It’s basically a safe space where we can come and be free from discrimination, mostly.”

“That’s cool,” Ben says, looking at his food contemplatively. “I’ll just be at home tonight with Control to keep me company, heh.”

“Heh,” I chuckle. “I would, you know, invite you as a guest, but, well, safe space and all… Sorry. I doubt you’d enjoy it THAT much either, heh.”

“S’okay,” Ben shrugs.

“And if you’d invited me, I’d have to have passed too,” Mac says, a smug (but again, oddly awkward) smile spreading across his face. “I doubt my girlfriend would like it too much.”

“Oh- you kept that quiet!” I say. “How long have you been seeing her?”

“Only a couple of weeks,” Mac replies. “She’s a fresher at a- at another college in London. We started chatting, and well, one thing kinda led to another and- heh, yep.”

“Are we ever going to meet her, then?” Ben asks, making Mac laugh nervously yet again.

“…Give us some time first,” my tall blond friend chuckles. “Brand-new relationship, so want to, you know, make sure everything’s okay before I introduce her to- well, my mates.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “Maybe pick a day when Dan’s unavailable, then? Unless she thinks a three-hour Twilight Imperium session in the middle of summer with no windows open is an ideal date?”

“You’re never letting that one go, are you?” Ben asks with a sigh as I’m reminded of one of the more uncomfortable days from this August just gone that didn't involve a camera or a cricket bat.

“…I barely got ANY free time over summer,” I protest. “Spending half of it sweating to death listening to Dan go on about the lore of every single species in the game wasn’t how I wanted to spend a whole afternoon of it.”

“I’d have been more interested in him explaining why he didn’t like deodorant,” Mac snorted. “But meh, whatever. Umm, my- my girlfriend probably isn’t going to get along with Dan anyway, heh!”

“I think I could’ve told you that before you even met her,” Ben chuckles. “Does she have a name?”

“You- you’ll meet her soon enough,” Mac chuckles. “Just give it a couple of weeks first.”

“Meh, okay, fair enough,” Ben sighs.

“And like I was saying this morning,” Mac says with a smug-sounding chuckle, “if you want a girlfriend, just ask Ian to hook you up with one of his model friends!” Unsurprisingly, this makes both me and Ben roll our eyes.

“You know many supermodels who are into short Jewish nerds who still live with their parents, do you?” Ben asks with a snort.

“About as many who are into short, Welsh transgender nerds,” I reply with an even louder snort. While I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t had any interest from any girls over the summer (even from models who are also signed to HT), I’ve certainly had no time for a relationship, or even a little ‘fun’ over the summer. The fact that none of the girls I’ve met were as cute or as funny as Chloe certainly didn’t help my love life either…

After lunch, we head back to our coursework in the computer suite, before the day comes to an end just after 4pm. After bidding farewell to Ben and Mac, I gather up my notes, but instead of heading back home, I head to the nearest tube station. A short while later, I emerge back to the surface closer to the centre of the city, and I have a genuine smile on my face as I head into the Student Union's main bar.

“Hey Ian!” Kellie- this year’s chairperson of the university’s LGBT society- greets me with a wide grin. “Glad you could make it today!”

“Yeah, I was never going to miss this!” I chuckle. “The society helped me a lot last year, the least I can do is return the favour.” Not to mention it’s somewhere I can truly relax and just be an ordinary student- not a model, not a musician or a sportsperson. And even being transgender is unremarkable here.

“Are you sure I can’t talk you into being on the committee this year?” Kellie asks. “We could definitely use someone with your talents…” Someone with my contacts, you mean? I think to myself as I try not to frown. Thankfully, Kellie has always known in the past not to push the matter, so when I smile and shake my head she accepts my decision without any further argument.

“Got loads on my plate anyway,” I explain. “With work and everything…”

“It’s okay,” Kellie shrugs. “I’m just glad you’re here, heh!”

“Me too,” I say with a semi-awkward smile before heading to the bar, where I’m soon joined by another familiar face.

“Hi Ian!” My friend Ellie says with a grin as she sits down next to me with her drink. “Didn’t think I’d see you tonight?”

“Nah, I was never going to miss this!” I reply. “After, like, three months off, it’s just nice to be, like, a proper student again!”

“Ugh, I totally get what you mean,” Ellie says. “Though, like, I had literally no problems with looking after Janet over the summer, what with everything she’s done for me, and knowing that, well, it’ll be my turn soon!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle nervously. Like me, Ellie is transgender (albeit male-to-female) and after being estranged from her family for several months, was taken in by an older transgender woman- the aforementioned Janet. This summer, Janet (who works in the Heavenly Talent back office) had her SRS operation and is only just back on her feet, and while I’m happy for her that she had her operation, it’s still a reminder of how far away I am from my own ‘completion’. Though I should at least reach that goal before the age of 45, unlike Janet…

“Though to be fair, Lindsay did most of the, well, ‘heavy lifting’,” Ellie chuckles (Lindsay being Janet’s biological daughter). “You’ve met Lindsay before, haven’t you?”

“Umm, a couple of times,” I reply. “At, like, parties at your place.”

“She’s just started uni a couple of weeks ago,” Ellie explains. “Not at UAL, but at, like, the University of London, studying history.”

“Cool,” I say.

“So, like, she’s not going to be here tonight,” Ellie continues. “But, like, she wouldn’t be anyway even if she studied at UAL, ‘cause she’s, like, straight. Which is also why Oli’s not here either.”

“Oli’s your boyfriend, right?” I ask, smirking as a happy smile spreads across Ellie’s face.

“Yep!” The blonde girl replies. “We’ve been together just over three months now, heh. Lindsay, on the other hand, is single AND looking…” I pause before I take another swig of my beer to ponder what my friend’s obviously implying. I’ve only met Lindsay a few times, but she seems cool- friendly, funny and cute too. Not as cute as Chloe, mind you, but certainly very good looking. And if she’s friends with Ellie, and she’s the one setting her up with me, she’s presumably willing to look past the ‘main problem’ as well…

“I- I’ll think about it,” I mumble in reply.

“Well, don’t think for too long,” Ellie cautions. “Like I said, she’s just started uni, there’ll be plenty of other boys interested in her…”

“I- I’ll add her on Facebook tonight,” I say, hoping this will get my friend off my back. “I’m not really, you know, here to pick up girls, you know? Only straight guy in the room and all that?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Ellie shrugs. “It’s just that it’s been a while since, well…”

“Chloe gave me the ‘one-kneed elbow’?” I snort.

“…Since her worst ever decision,” Ellie says softly.

“Well- I guess,” I shrug, biting my lip as this triggers an awkward silence between the two of us.

“…So, umm, are- are you coming to the union event tomorrow?” Ellie asks.

“What union event?” I ask.

“The big student union meet-up,” Ellie replies. “Just a get-together for new freshers, that sort of thing. I’ll be going ‘cause I’m on the committee for the LGBT society, but everyone in the union’s invited.”

“Umm… Sure, I guess,” I shrug. “Not in uni tomorrow so I might as well.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for you there, then,” Ellie says with a grin. “In the meantime, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mingle, hehe! Have fun!”

“Will do!” I chuckle, before sighing as Ellie heads off to greet some of her other friends. Her bringing up Chloe’s name was a stress I don’t need right now, so after finishing my beer, I order another one, before heading over to a group of guys I met last year through the society. While they're not exactly close friends, we're still civil toward each other, and they're just the distraction I could use right now.

“Ooh look,” one of the guys, a tall, dark-haired man named Nate, says with what I know is a phony sneer. “It’s Captain Straight!”

“Come to rub your heterosexuality in our faces, straight boy?” Another one of the guys, a shorter, ginger-haired guy named Dale asks.

“You wish,” I reply, earning giggles from all five of the men as I sit down next to them with my beer.

“Oh, you know we’re only teasing!” Nate chuckles playfully. “Are you having a good time meeting everyone?”

“Umm, I’ve only just got here, actually,” I reply. “Just wanted to, you know, stop in and say hi to everyone, that sort of thing.” And pretend to just be a normal student, if just for one evening, I think to myself.

“Well then, hi!” Nate says with a dramatic wave that the other four guys copy. “We’ve been here a while, we’ve ‘mingled’, hopefully made a few new friends.”

“Including, hopefully, a boyfriend for Briony here!” Stevie, another one of the guys, teases his Scottish friend (whose name is actually ‘Brian’), who simply rolls his eyes in reply.

“I told you,” Brian sighs in his thick Glaswegian accent, “I’m okay wi’ being single for now!” You and me both, I try to convince myself.

“And we’ll believe that when hell freezes over,” Dale teases, giggling as Brian rolls his eyes. “Though it does look like we’re going to be well-represented in the society this year, there are a lot of fresh faces here, not just guys, but girls too.”

“Are you bi now?” Nate asks Dale (with whom he’s been in a relationship for about eight months) with a mock pout that’s only soothed when the two men exchange a gentle kiss.

“You know I’m not,” Dale snorts. “And besides, I’m on the committee this year, I have to be, you know, ‘approachable’.”

“Just don’t be TOO approachable,” Nate snorts. “How about you, Ian? Have you put your name down for the committee this year?”

“It was definitely a shame that there were no transgender guys OR girls on the committee last year,” Brian muses. “Or anyone not from England, heh!” I smirk as my fellow Celt gets teased by his friends.

“Ah- no, I haven’t,” I reply. “Got far too much on my plate, heh. Ellie has though, Ellie Blake, so we are, you know, ‘represented’.”

“That’s good, at least,” Dale says with a smile. “Even if it is yet another straight person on the committee, heh!”

“There’s nothing wrong with straight guys,” Nate says commandingly. “Provided they have vaginas, heh!”

“I’ll try to take that as a compliment, heh,” I chuckle.

“Though you’ll also be alright once you’ve had your final operation,” Nate reassures me. “A person is more than just a set of body parts, after all.”

“Umm… Medically speaking, isn’t that the exact definition of ‘person’?” Shane, the quietest of the group, asks.

“Well, ‘medically speaking’, yes,” Nate replies. “But none of us are medical students, are we?” I grin as I cheer along with the rest of the group, which attracts a bit of attention from nearby tables!

I spend the next ten minutes chatting with the guys, before our attention is called to the end of the room, where Kellie is stood along with a few other members of the committee.

“Hi everyone, thank you all for coming tonight!” Kellie enthuses. “It’s great to see so many new faces tonight, and yes, so many older faces too, hehe! On behalf of the committee, I’d like to welcome you all to the University of the Arts London’s LGBT society, and I hope that in the years to come, we all become great allies and great friends!” I cheer along with the rest of the bar as the music starts back up, and for the first time in a very long time, I can simply sit back and relax. No obligations, no deadlines, nowhere else I need to be. I can just kick back, relax, and hang out with friends. And try not to feel too stressed about how rare this feeling has become...

I arrive back at my flat just after 11pm, my head slowly spinning from both the fun of the evening and the seven pints of beer I’d downed at the bar. Unsurprisingly, Lee is still awake and working on his laptop when I return, barely looking up when I drop my stuff on the coffee table and flop down next to him.

“Evening,” Lee mumbles, not looking up from his complicated-looking coursework. “Good night, then?”

“GREAT night,” I chuckle. “Ahh… Just nice to have, you know, a night completely off, no coursework, no responsibilities, no nothing.” No Heavenly Talent, no lawsuit, no mum, no dad, no Chloe, no Laura, no Dan… No stress, I think to myself.

“Definitely sound like you needed it,” Lee says.

“Ugh, totally,” I sigh. “And the lie-in I’ll have tomorrow.”

“And the hangover?” Lee asks, visibly wincing at the smell of my breath.

“I’ll worry about that when I get to it,” I chuckle. Not a bad attitude to have about life in general, I think to myself. Especially my life…

“Well- I’ll leave you to it, then,” Lee says, saving his work and closing his laptop. “By ‘it’ I mean either relaxing or just generally being pissed.”

“Right, goodnight then!” I say with a chuckle as Lee heads to his bedroom.

I only stay up for another fifteen minutes myself, but they are fifteen of the most blissful minutes I’ve had in years, just listening to the sound of the minimal traffic passing by outside our flat and letting everything else simply wash over me.

Naturally, when I wake up the following morning, my mouth is bone dry and my head is pounding, but even this doesn’t bother me much as I know I can simply lay in bed for as long as I want… That is, until the pounding in my head is matched by the pounding coming from our front door. With a groan, I roll myself out of bed and wrap my dressing gown around my tired, shivering body.

“Yes, yes, alright!” I growl as the banging seems to get louder, both in my head and on the door. When I open the door, however, I’m greeted by four very unexpected faces, especially at this time of day.

“Morning!” Stuart says, smirking at my dishevelled state and the confusion on my face. “Not ready yet, then?”

“…Ready?” I ask, frowning as Stuart and the other three members of the band let themselves into the flat and flop down on my sofa.

“For band practice?” Mikey asks. “Wednesday is your day off from uni, isn’t it?” It WAS, I self-pityingly think to myself.

“Umm… Yeah, kinda,” I grumble.

“Well- okay then!” Mikey laughs. “Get yourself dressed, grab your bass and we’ll get going.” I try not to scream internally as I’m ordered about, just as I was for the first sixteen years of my life. I remind myself that my friends aren’t my mother- they actually care about me, for starters, and it’s very possible that I did just forget I had band practice today- I did have a lot to drink last night, after all. However, this doesn’t stop me from gazing at my stuffed giraffe toy as I get dressed, and wanting nothing more than to clamp my teeth down on its leg and scream until I’m hoarse…

After pulling on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, I’m ushered into Mikey’s van, and before long we’re at his house, setting up our instruments in his living room.

“Okay then,” the long-haired musician says. “We’re not rehearsing anything in particular, today’s really more of a jam session.” Then why am I even here? I think to myself as I tune my bass guitar. “If you have any requests, feel free to shout them out.” Before I can muster up the courage to ‘request’ to go home, my thoughts are interrupted by a yell from our drummer.

“Under the Bridge!” Jonathan yells, making the other three guys roll their eyes, clearly sharing in an in-joke I’m not privy to.

“Alright, fair enough, he who shouts first shouts loudest,” Stuart sighs, before placing an iPad on the stand in front of me. “This is the bass tab in case you can’t remember it- it’s pretty straightforward, let me know if you have any trouble with it.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, before taking a deep breath as Jonathan counts us in to the song made famous by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

We spend the next hour and a quarter running through various rock songs that were written before I was born, with Stuart supplying me with bass tabs each time. However, as the morning goes on, Stuart has an increasing look of concern on his face each time he changes my bass tab- and even though I know with absolute certainty he has my best interests in mind, I still feel myself growing more and more stressed.

Eventually, though, our jam session comes to an end when the front door opens and a tiny girl dressed in a pink tutu comes rushing through to greet her father, who gives her a long, gentle cuddle.

“Hey Maria!” Mikey coos, before giving the toddler a gentle kiss on her temple. “Did you have a good time at your dance class with mummy?”

“You could always just ask ‘mummy’ herself that,” Ms. Fullerton- or, as I’m now permitted to call her, Krystie says as she drops her dance bag in the living room and takes her daughter back from her husband, before giving the tall, bearded man a kiss. “I’m guessing you BOYS aren’t going to do any of the tidying up, either?”

“No, no, we’ll clean up after ourselves,” Jonathan says with a smirk.

"And you're doing most of it," Stuart teases the dark-skinned man. "Given how much tidying up we had to do after your party..." The party in question being Jonathan's 30th birthday party this Saturday just gone, yet another social function I was obliged to attend.

"Yeah, yeah, alright," Jonathan snorts, before letting out a cheeky laugh, no doubt at the memory of the party.

“Dunno how you’re going to tidy up all the sweat you just pumped into that brand-new kitchen chair!” Krystie retorts, gesturing to the dark patch behind our drummer.

“You work up a sweat when you’re drumming,” Jonathan shrugs.

“Yeah, well, your drumming for the day is over now that this little one’s home,” Krystie says, giving her daughter a gentle cuddle as we start to pack away our instruments. “And more to the point, you have a perfect good music studio at the HT head office, what’s wrong with using that? Boss won’t let you?” The other three guys all share a laugh at Jonathan’s expense, which I nervously join in- Jonathan is still technically my boss, after all.

“Same reason you don’t use your dance studio anymore to waste an hour goofing off every Wednesday,” Jonathan retorts, leading to an awkward pause that’s broken by my five older friends all laughing simultaneously.

“Touché,” Krystie giggles. “Though I might be starting those up again in 2020, now that the other school has opened, heh.” I keep the smile on my face as I gradually tune out the ‘grown-ups’ conversation and focus on packing away my guitar, but I’m soon interrupted by my mentor giving me a nudge.

“Hey,” Stuart says quietly as the other conversation continues. “You alright?”

“Hmm?” I reply. “Umm, yeah, fine, why d’you ask?”

“You were kinda… Not with it this morning,” Stuart says. “Yeah, I know we joke about ‘no one notices the bassist’ but you were dropping a lot of notes.”

“Meh, I- I’m just, you know, hungover, that’s all…” I mumble as my stress levels rise yet again, even though I logically know they shouldn’t- this is Stuart, after all. He, of all people, won’t deliberately put me in positions where he knows I’m uncomfortable.

“Well- if you say so,” Stuart shrugs. “I just know that I’ve played guitar completely hammered before and I- heh. I AM a musician, I did study music at university and you’re not, which is fair enough, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly.

“If…” Stuart says, before taking a deep breath. “If you want to, you know, take a break from the band, then that’s okay. I can take over on bass for a while until you’re feeling better, or until Dan isn’t up to his elbows in nappies, heh.” I bite my lip as I look at my friend’s face, my stomach churning as I consider his question. Even though he’s not saying it the same way, and even though I know he definitely doesn’t mean it the same way, as Stuart talks all I hear is my mother sneering at me every time I didn’t measure up to her high standards.

“Well I suppose you could always just quit ballet,” my mother would sneer. “And waste all the money me and your father has spent on these lessons.”

“You could always just give up on acting,” mum would spit. “And spend your life working at McDonald’s or something.”

“You could always just quit being a cheerleader,” mum would sneer. “And go and hang out with the nerds, get bullied every day for the rest of your life and never amount to anything.”

And every time mum emotionally blackmailed me, I caved in. I did was I was supposed to, and was a good, dutiful daughter. And even though my name is NOT Kayleigh-Ann and I am NOT a girl, the thought of disappointing Stuart- and he would be disappointed, no matter what he says- makes me feel just as small as I did every time I disappointed my mother.

“I- I’ll be fine,” I say, my stomach churning even more at my lie.

“Are you sure?” Stuart asks quietly.

“Positive,” I reply with a nod of my head and the same forced smile I wore almost every day for the first sixteen years of my life.

“Well- okay,” Stuart says. “I’ll give you a bit more warning before the next band session, heh. You doing anything tonight?”

“Umm, got a student union event in the evening, that’s about it,” I reply.

“Ah, okay,” Stuart chuckles. “Which I know from experience is code for ‘I’ll be hungover again tomorrow’!”

“Probably,” I chuckle.

“Well- have fun tonight!” Stuart says with a friendly smile. “Are you okay for a lift home?”

“I can get the tube,” I shrug.

“Nah, Jamie’s picking me up in a bit, let us give you a lift home, okay?” Stuart says, and yet again, I find myself unable to say ‘no’.

“Okay,” I mumble, zipping up my guitar bag and heading out to the driveway, where we’re not waiting long for our ride home to arrive.

“Okay, am I being a taxi today, then?” Jamie asks with a sigh that, even though I know she’s teasing, still makes me wince.

“If- if you don’t mind,” I mumble.

“Of course I don’t mind!” Jamie giggles, flashing me her world-famous smile as I drop mine and Stuart’s guitars in the boot of the car, while he playfully greets his daughter, who is dressed identically to Mikey's daughter and just as excited. “Did you boys have fun this morning, then?”

“Yep!” Stuart replies with a grin. “Can’t speak for Ian though, I think he’s got a bit of the ‘student flu’.”

“…I hope it’s not contagious?” Jamie says worriedly.

“I’m pretty sure it’s transmitted by fluids only,” Stuart says, miming a ‘drinking motion’.

“…Ah,” Jamie says with a giggle. “Not just students who suffer from that ‘flu’, hehe!”

“Though ‘bouts’ have been few and far between since, well, other responsibilities!” Stuart says with a grin as he gazes back at his napping daughter. “Even during Mad Week, heh.”

“Mad Week?” I ask.

“I’ve told you about Mad Week before, haven’t I?” Stuart replies. “Jon’s birthday, this weekend just gone, then Mary’s birthday on Friday and Hannah’s on Monday.”

“Cool,” I say, trying my hardest to sound enthusiastic, as my stress is joined by a sensation of guilt. There are millions of people my age- not just girls, but guys too- who would give anything to have my lifestyle. I’m nineteen years old and already I have a fledgling modelling career, I’m in a band, I’ve been on TV (okay, it was Robot Wars, but still), I am a girl magnet even discounting any of the aforementioned things and I’m close friends with some of Britain’s biggest celebrities. Even my ‘status’ rarely causes me any problems when I’m out in public- no one looks twice at a girl wearing a pair of jeans, and the fine stubble I keep on my face at all times means it’s extremely rare that anyone even perceives me as a girl- which, of course, I am not. I should be able to just sit back, let the fame, money and girls roll in, and transition on my own schedule, happy in the knowledge I have the best support network there is. And yet I can’t. And I hate that I can't. I really, really do.

Jamie drops me back at my flat a short while later, and I let out a long groan as I drop my guitar in the entrance way and collapse heavily onto the sofa, finally beginning the relaxation I was looking forward to so badly today. However, no matter how hard I try, I can't put all of my responsibilities, all of my stress to one side. If I try to forget about the band, it makes me focus on my HT work. If I try to forget about that, it makes me focus on my uni work. And if I try to forget about THAT, I’m right back to the band again. And at the back of my mind, at all times, is the disapproving sneer of my mother.

I try to distract myself over the course of the afternoon with TV and videogames, but it only provides a brief respite from my problems. Fortunately, I at least have the Student Union event this evening to look forward to, and after Lee returns home and we have a quick Deliveroo dinner I head into my bedroom to change for the night ahead. It might be hypocritical of me to say this, but one of the definite benefits of working for Heavenly Talent is that my wardrobe has vastly expanded, and with a lot of designer labels too. Of course, having a wardrobe full of designer clothing is nothing new to me- growing up, I had a wardrobe full of fashionable skirts, dresses and skimpy tops… The very thought makes me shudder. And even though many of the clothes in my wardrobe have the same labels as those older clothes, there’s no question that they were intended to be worn by men. In my smart shirt, black trousers and lace-up shoes, there is no question- my name IS Ian and I AM a man. No matter what stress I might feel right now, no one can take that away from me- especially not mum, Craig or my gone and very much not missed grandmother. That’s not to say that everyone I currently have in my life is a positive influence, though, as proven when I head out of my bedroom to discover we have a guest in the flat.

“Hi Joey Essex,” Dan says, making me roll my eyes at the continued use of his favourite unoriginal insult.

“Hi Sheldon,” I retort, not that my intended insult gets any reaction from its target. “Dunno when I’ll be home so don’t lock the door, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the rules,” Lee says. “You have fun and try not to get too pissed again, okay?”

“No promises,” I chuckle as I head out of the front door and make my way toward the nearest tube station.

Of course, consciously I know that Dan is just being a dick and that I should let his insult wash over me- after all, it’s not like he’s calling me ‘Joanne Essex’. Inside, though, it stings just as badly as any other insult- especially as it’s a reminder of how little control I have over my life. All of a sudden, my expensive clothes feel a lot less comfortable…

I arrive at the Student Union building a short time later and make my way straight to the bar to grab myself a drink, before gazing out at the crowd of people already here. Even though it’s hard work, it’s no exaggeration to say that I genuinely love studying at university. At home, I was always mum’s pet project, a child lost in a family filled with belligerent adults. At school, I was the cheerleader, desperately trying to maintain my popularity, desperately trying to pretend to be the girl I truly wasn't on the inside. Drama and dance classes were even worse- I was literally made to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. Which applies to everywhere I went in the first sixteen years of my life- everywhere I went, I was a boy forced to pretend that he was a girl. And even worse, that’s all that everybody saw.

When I went to college in Wales, though, all of that changed. For the first time ever, I went somewhere that I wanted to be. I was presenting myself as the person I wanted to be. And sure, I had to ‘bandage myself down’, especially when out in public, but even the bandage never felt like it was a mask. However, even that was nothing compared to my first year of university, and not just because I no longer needed the bandage. I presented myself as a man, and for the most part, that’s how I was accepted. ‘Accepted’- what a word. It’s hard to put into words what it means just to be accepted for who you really are, even when you spent the first 16 years not being accepted. Sure, there were some idiots, same as there are everywhere, but they were very much in the minority, and in the LGBT society, I had a great support mechanism.

But not as great as the support I had from my friends- and not just those at university with me. ‘Kayleigh-Ann’ never had any real friends, just hangers-on, cliques who banded together out of a misguided sense that loyalty means popularity. The friends I’ve made as Ian, though, have been with me through thick and thin- my troubles with my parents, my break-ups with Ella and Chloe, the lawsuit- everything. Which is why I grin widely when my phone buzzes to inform me of an incoming text message.

‘Am here, where r u?’ The message from Ben reads.

‘By the bar,’ I reply, and within seconds my dark-haired friend appears and greets me with (what Dan insists is called and now I can't get it out of my head) a G Lock handshake.

“Alright mate?” I say out loud. “I’ve only just got here myself, have you seen Mac yet?”

“Umm, nope,” Ben replies with a shrug. “Sent him a text too but only, like, at the same time I sent you one so he’s not got back to me yet.”

“We’ll give him a few minutes,” I say, smiling as I gaze out at the crowd and how I feel like I truly belong here. Of course, the fact that there are several attractive (and single) young women in the crowd is one of the main reasons for my smile- especially the ones who are obviously checking out my short but still very ripped body! “Come on, let’s see if we can find him.” Ben smirks as we head into the crowd in search of our tall, blond-haired friend, who, thanks to being tall and blond haired, isn’t hard to spot. I share a knowing grin with Ben as I see that our friend has his arm around a girl’s waist- undoubtedly the girlfriend he’s been telling us about.

My smile falls, though, when Mac turns around to greet us… And I see that the girl whose waist he has his arm around is none other than Chloe Barnard. THE Chloe Barnard. MY Chloe Barnard- or at least, she used to be.

“Oh- Ian, umm, hi!” Mac says, clearly startled by my sudden appearance. “I didn’t- umm, I thought you’d be coming a bit later?”

“Hi,” I say, trying my hardest to remain stoic even as my emotions. “Hi Chloe.”

“Hi Ian,” Chloe says in an almost defiant voice that makes my blood pressure rise.

“Long time no see,” I say, unconsciously clenching my left hand into a fist.

“Yeah,” Mac says, releasing my ex-girlfriend's hand and gingerly walking toward me. “Come on, mate, let me- let me buy you a drink.”

“I’ve got a drink,” I say, gesturing to the beer in my hand.

“I’ll buy you some crisps, then,” Mac says, grabbing my arm only to flinch when I yank it away from him. “Look, mate, really, I- I didn’t want you to find out like this, but-“

“Stop- you can stop calling me ‘mate’,” I interrupt, bringing a frown to the faces of my former friend and my former girlfriend.

“Mature as always,” Chloe sneers, causing my fist to tighten to the point where my knuckles start to turn white. Of all the people he could’ve gone out with, of all the thousands of girls in London, of course, of COURSE he’d pick the one girl he knows- he KNOWS I’m still hung up on. Even if she’s clearly not hung up on me anymore…

“You yourself said ‘long time no see’,” Mac says, stepping back from me and assuming what two years of boxing training tells me is a defensive posture. “You’d been split up six months, mate, I gave you plenty of time to work it out, you didn’t, so- yeah. Me and Chloe like each other, and if you have a problem with it, you can just get over it.”

“Nice, really nice,” I spit. “From the guy who keeps going on about the so-called ‘bro code’?”

“Which says ‘wait before moving in on a mate’s ex’,” Mac says. “What, was I supposed to ask you for permission?”

“Well- no, obviously,” I growl, trying not to panic as our argument starts to draw a crowd. “But how many times have we hung out together and you never even thought to tell me you were thinking about this?”

“Because I knew you’d react like this!” Mac snaps.

“So you thought you’d just spring it on me like this?” I retort. “By rubbing my face in it?”

“No one’s rubbing- ugh,” Mac says, before sighing and shaking his head. “Is it too much to ask for you to, you know, be happy for the both of us?”

“Maybe give it six months, then we’ll see,” I sneer.

“Right, fine then, be like that,” Mac sighs, before turning away from me, only to turn back for one last word. “In the meantime, I’ll just be over here, giving Chloe something you never could.” As Mac speaks, I feel every drop of blood in my body instantly boil as I slam my beer down on a nearby table. I’ve known him a whole year, and in all that time, I honestly, genuinely thought we were friends. Now I know how mistaken I was. Just like everybody else in my life- literally everybody else- he was just using me as a means to an end, in this case, to steal my girlfriend. And what he just said… he must know how much that rubs salt in the wound. And I am not about to take it lying down.

“Want to repeat that?” I ask, my face mere inches away from Mac’s.

“I- Ian, I-“ The blond man stammers.

“WANT TO FUCKING WELL REPEAT THAT?” I yell, shoving my former friend hard in the chest, causing him to stagger back a few feet and nearly knock Chloe over too. With a look of anger in his face, Mac practically charges at me and shoves me in the chest, sending me stumbling back as well, before a feeling of pure rage overwhelms me.

How dare he shove me? I think to myself. After what he did, after what he said… And to shove me in the chest, too. Both of his palms were placed squarely over my nipples, which he must know- especially after what he said- is still a sensitive area for me. As I get my footing back and I see Mac walking toward me, time seems to slow down as I go into full automatic pilot. Before I even know what’s happening, I’ve landed two right-handed punches into his abdomen, and as he doubles over, my left fist connects with the side of his face, sending him crashing to the floor and nearly taking a couple of tables with him. Before I can do anything else, I feel two pairs of arms restrain me from behind and an angry face appear in front of me- but it’s not the face I was expecting.

“Ian, stop!” Kellie shouts, before shoving me back herself as I break free of the two people holding me and again advance toward my former friend. “Ian, I- I think you should probably leave now.”

“Wh- did- did you hear what he said?” I ask as I struggle to regain control of my actions.

“Yeah, I did,” Kellie replies. “And he’ll be leaving too. But you’re not just going to belt someone in the face and then carry on like nothing happened! So go home, Ian. Calm yourself down. If you need to talk tomorrow, I- I’ll free up some time.”

“…Thanks,” I mumble, my cheeks reddening with a feeling of pure shame as I realise that the entire bar has stopped to watch both the fight and my dressing-down from my friend. And, naturally, every pair of eyes follows me as I walk out of the bar, the cold autumn air making me shiver as I head to the nearest tube station.

How I maintained my composure on the train ride home I don’t know, but by the time I’m walking through our front door, the tears are streaming down my face, and after ensuring that I’m alone in the flat (Lee had texted me earlier to say he was meeting up with his new girlfriend), I head through to my bedroom, grab my stuffed giraffe off the shelf and clamp its leg between my teeth, before curling up into a ball on my bed and screaming and screaming…

I don’t know much time passes, but the next thing I’m aware of is being woken up by a loud banging coming from the front door. It takes me a while to realise that in my distress, I must have fallen asleep (or passed out) on my bed, but my saliva and teeth mark-covered toy giraffe at my side is an immediate reminder of the evening’s events.

“Go away,” I yell, disgusted by the feeble sound of my voice. However, the banging soon resumes, even louder than before. “Just fuck off, okay?” Needless to say, this doesn’t deter the banging either, and with a loud moan, I roll off my bed and head toward the front door, wondering briefly whether or not I’d ordered a Deliveroo. When I open the front door, though, it’s not a pizza or a curry that greets me, but rather the face of the last person I expected to see this evening.

“Hi, Ian,” Chloe says in a soft, almost nervous voice. Even though there isn’t a trace of anger in her voice or on her face, I still feel my blood start to boil, and without saying a word I start to slam the door in Chloe’s face, only for her to stick a hand out to stop it.

“W- wait, Ian, please?” Chloe asks timidly.

“Shouldn’t you be checking up on your boyfriend?” I sneer.

“He’ll live,” Chloe says with a dismissive shrug. “Though after what he said, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. Please- please can I come in?” Despite everything in my head screaming at me to slam the door in Chloe’s face and forget that she ever existed, I relent and allow her into our flat, directing her to sit in Lee’s chair while I spread out on the sofa.

“Why are you HERE, anyway?” I ask. “As opposed to, like, literally anywhere else?”

“I- I wanted to see how you were,” Chloe says, before letting out a long, sad sigh. “I really didn’t like how things ended between us.”

“I can’t say I have any fond memories of it,” I snort as I cross my legs at the memory of the ‘impact’ with which Chloe dumped me.

“…Yeah,” Chloe mumbles. “Ian, I- I am SO sorry about that, I- ugh. I was angry, and I dunno what I was thinking, I thought that maybe, you know, all the testosterone made you less sensitive down there- I dunno.”

“Yep,” I say.

“And for what it’s worth…” Chloe says, before grimacing, then much to my anger and surprise, giggling. “Ugh. Okay than, a- a couple of months ago I went on a hen night for one of my cousins, me and Hannah did, and part of it was that we all had pole dancing lessons, which was really fun, you know? Getting dressed up in bikinis, wearing ridiculously high platform shoes…”

“I’ll take your word for it,” I say, even though my heart is involuntarily beating faster at the thought of Chloe wearing just a bikini and a pair of platform shoes.

“So, anyway, I was doing REALLY well at it,” Chloe continues. “So the teacher showed me a slightly more complicated move. I have a go at it, but I’d had a few glasses of champagne at that point, so my balance wasn’t great, so I slipped, and went into the pole at full speed, lady parts first.”

“…Ouch,” I say with a grimace that makes Chloe giggle again.

“So, anyway, Hannah of course thinks it’s the funniest thing that ever happened,” the ginger girl continues. “And as I’m crawling, literally crawling back to my seat, all I can think of is- is you, Ian.”

“Right,” I say uncertainly. “So you associate me with excruciating pain?”

“Or I associate you with my lady parts,” Chloe shrugs. “And not just ‘cause, you know, we have a ‘matching set’, but because- well, yeah.”

“Yeah,” I mumble, which triggers an awkward silence between the two of us.

“…So, I- I gather you’re signed to Heavenly Talent now?” Chloe asks, making me roll my eyes internally- of course, she’d ask THAT question…

“Yep,” I reply bluntly, leading to another awkward silence. “In between my studies, like.”

“That must be SO cool,” Chloe chuckles. “As you know, I’ve just started at the London College of Fashion, and literally everyone on my course would kill to have an HT model showing off our stuff!”

“Cool,” I say, even if I think it's anything BUT cool. “What are you studying again?”

“Costume for Performance,” Chloe replies with a smug smirk. “I actually got some handy work experience over summer, helping to make costumes for a local theatre who were doing a performance of Grease. So I was, like, modifying leather jackets, old-fashioned poodle skirts, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah,” I say as I barely suppress a shudder.

“What’s up?” Chloe asks. “Don’t tell me you don’t like Grease?”

“I wouldn’t say I was its biggest fan,” I snort. “I was- I was kinda in a performance of it, when I was in Year 10.”

“Oh, cool!” Chloe squeaks, apparently not caring about the deepening frown on my face. “What role did you play?”

“…Frenchy,” I reply, which immediately causes Chloe’s face to fall.

“…Oh,” the ginger girl whispers.

“So as you might imagine, not many fond memories of THAT,” I snort.

“Ugh, Ian, I am SO sorry,” Chloe groans. “I just- I mean, we were literally discussing your, well, ‘parts’ a few seconds ago, but I- I just can’t visualise you as ever having been a girl.”

“That-“ I say, before chuckling. “That’s actually, like, one of the things, like, positive things I took from when we, well, broke up- that you never once threw me being- well, me back in my face, if that makes any sense?”

“It makes perfect sense, and I would never, EVER do that,” Chloe reassures me. “No matter how angry I got with you. I am NOT my sister.”

“Or your boyfriend?” I ask, making Chloe snort and angrily shake her head.

“I can’t believe he said that to you!” Chloe says exasperatedly. “He’s supposed to be your friend, after all, and- well…”

“Well…?” I ask.

“I never- I never really had any problems with, well, your ‘performance’,” Chloe says, making me smirk as she starts to blush.

“Well, umm, thanks!” I chuckle.

“You’re VERY welcome!” Chloe giggles. “And to answer your next question, no, I can’t compare you with Mac yet as we’ve not actually, well, had sex yet. Not sure we will either, not after what he said to you tonight.”

“Umm, okay,” I say as my body starts to tingle with excitement despite my best efforts.

“I mean, I accept now that I TOTALLY overreacted,” Chloe says. “You were under so much stress, what with your dad and everything. What happened with that, anyway?”

“Heavenly Talent have a top London lawyer on retainer,” I reply with a smug grin of my own. “She basically just buried my da- buried Craig and his lawyer, made it impossible for them to continue with the suit.”

“Nice,” Chloe says with the smile that made me fall in love with her all that time ago. “Despite everything that happened between us, I still love seeing transphobes get put in their place, heh!”

“Me too,” I say.

“I mean, so what if you don’t have the right ‘parts’?” Chloe shrugs. “It just means you know your way around a woman’s body better than any BOY ever could, right?”

“I guess,” I reply. “And around the bodies of girls who weren’t always girls, too.” I immediately kick myself as the words escape my mouth- why I feel this urge to make Chloe jealous is beyond me, I mean, as well as we're getting on right now, we're not going to get back together, and yet my first instinct is to rub it in her face that I've not always been alone since we broke up.

“…Oh,” Chloe mumbles, her back stiffening at the news. “You’ve- you’ve been seeing someone else since we split up?” I open my mouth to reply, only to pause as I consider what I should say. ‘A few people’? That’d be a lie. ‘One or two’? Technically true, but Chloe would then ask ‘one or two?’, and I’d be forced to reply with ‘one’, and it was only a one-time thing, which I can’t simply say as I don’t want Chloe to think that I’m still hung up on her- however true that might be…

“…Yeah,” I eventually reply with a nonchalant shrug. “Her name's Laura, I think you’ve met her before?”

“What, Laura- Laura White?” Chloe asks. “The really tall blonde girl?”

“Mm,” I reply with another shrug. “We hooked up and- well, yeah.” I have to bite my lip to prevent myself from grinning at the uncomfortable look that immediately spreads across my ex’s face.

“Oh, okay,” Chloe mumbles. “Are you- are you still together?”

“…No,” I mumble in reply after briefly considering whether or not to lie to spare myself any embarrassment. Much to my surprise, though, Chloe seems to almost breathe a sigh of relief at this.

“Okay,” Chloe shrugs. “Are you- are you seeing anyone right now?”

“Well- no, not really,” I say, again deciding that telling the truth is probably easier in the long run. “Probably wouldn’t have reacted to you and Mac the way I did if I was, heh.”

“Yeah,” Chloe says with a quiet chuckle. “None of, like, the models from Heavenly Talent, like, you know?”

“Pretty much all of them already have a boyfriend anyway,” I reply. “So do most of the girls at uni, it seems to be a rule, like, if a girl is above a certain level of prettiness, she’s guaranteed to have a boyfriend, even if she isn’t a transphobe.”

“That can’t make it easy,” Chloe muses.

“Not really, no,” I snort. “I mean, there ARE safe spaces, like the LGBT society, but that’s not an ideal place for a straight guy to pick up girls, heh. And the uni is generally harsh on transphobia, but that doesn’t mean they can guarantee that it’ll never happen.”

“Like we saw tonight,” Chloe sighs. “I am SO sorry you had to put up with that from Mac, I- I can’t believe he of all people would say that to you.”

“And I suppose I’m sorry I ruined your boyfriend’s face,” I chuckle.

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure whether or not he’ll still be my boyfriend tomorrow,” Chloe shrugs. “I mean, this is, like, the first time in ages that we’ve talked, and it’s, like, reminding me of why we were so good together in the first place, so, you know… we could always, you know, pick up where we left off?” My heart skips a beat as Chloe makes the offer that I’ve waited over six months to hear, and while my first instinct is to jump at the opportunity, there are several niggling voices in the back of my head offering words of caution.

After all, Chloe did dump me without a second thought and refuse to speak to me for months, and it’s very convenient that she’s now interested in me again after I confirm that I've signed for Heavenly Talent. And moreover… I simply can’t do to Mac what he did to me, no matter how justified my anger toward him might be for what he said tonight. Mac’s so-called ‘bro code’ might well be a complete pile of horseshit, but I take my ‘Ian code’ very seriously, and I won’t do anything to hurt a friend, even if that person is very likely not a friend anymore. And I most definitely won’t do anything that will cause even more stress for me- as another relationship with Chloe inevitably would, regardless of how cute she is…

“I- I think we should, you know, just stay as friends for now,” I mumble, trying not to blush with embarrassment at the disappointment in Chloe’s eyes. I brace myself for the inevitable- ‘are you only interested in girls with dicks now’ and so forth, but instead, much to my surprise, Chloe simply sighs and nods.

“Fair enough,” Chloe says. “I suppose I can always, like, talk to Mac, hear his side of things, sort of thing…” I try not to fidget as my suspicions are confirmed- even if Mac is obviously Chloe's second choice behind me. “But, you know, friends works for now, heh.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “Do you- will you be alright getting home? Neither me or Mac have a car…”

“Yeah, neither do either of my flat mates,” Chloe sighs. “And I’m still not comfortable going on the tube alone, and not just ‘cause my mum would have a heart attack if she learned I did!”

“Taxi, then?” I ask.

“Kinda strapped for cash,” Chloe grimaces. “Can I- can I crash here tonight? I mean, it- it doesn’t have to be in the same bed as you, if Lee’s not coming back tonight, I can take his, or the sofa?”

“Dunno about Lee,” I reply as I ponder my answer- girlfriend or not, I’m not going to kick her out on the streets, especially not when it’s dark and getting colder… “I can- I can always find some sheets, make up the sofa for you, if that’s what you want?”

“That’d be perfect,” Chloe says with a grin as I head to the airing cupboard to get the bedding. “Hey, is the PlayStation VR helmet yours or Lee’s?”

“Umm, Lee’s, but I can use it whenever I want,” I reply. “I’m sure you played it when we were going out, didn’t you?”

“Nope, never played on one before, here or anywhere else,” Chloe replies. “Dad wouldn’t buy us one, reckons we wouldn’t use it enough to justify the cost, but I kinda noticed you’ve got Star Trek Bridge Crew, and I- I’ve always wanted to give that a go, heh.” Despite myself, a grin spreads across my face as Chloe makes this request- it’s certainly a far cry from Laura's attitude when she played on the VR.

“I’m sure Lee won’t mind me setting it up,” I say with a grin as I get the headset out of its box and charge up the motion controllers.

Chloe and I stay up until just before midnight, simply talking and playing videogames like we did countless times in the past- the only difference being that this time, we're not in a relationship. Nonetheless, I have more fun throughout the evening than I’ve had in a very long time, and especially after the fight with Mac, it’s just what I needed- an opportunity to relax and have fun, and forget all about the inevitable confrontation with Mac tomorrow…

The following morning, I’m woken up by the feeling of a hand roughly shoving my body, though when I open my eyes, it’s not my ex-girlfriend staring back at me.

“Good morning, finally,” Lee says quietly. “Why is your ex-girlfriend sleeping on our sofa?”

“…Cause if she was my current girlfriend, she’d be in here with me,” I reply, before rolling over and trying to get back to sleep, only for Lee to unceremoniously whip the pillow out from under my head.

“You know what I mean, smart arse,” Lee says. “Why is she in the flat at all?”

“Ugh, SUPER long story,” I sigh, before groaning and throwing off my sheets as I realise my best friend isn’t going to leave me alone until I’ve told him the story. “You’d better put the kettle on…”

After filling Lee in on last night’s events (and filling my stomach with corn flakes and coffee), I gently wake Chloe up, trying to keep my feelings under control as her eyes flutter open and she immediately smiles when she sees me.

“Morning,” the ginger girl says dreamily.

“Morning,” Lee replies, which unsurprisingly startles my ex-girlfriend.

“Oh, umm, hi Lee!” The now fully awake Chloe says, clearly surprised by my flat mate standing over her. “I, umm, I hope you don’t mind me staying over last night…”

“Bit late to worry about it now even if I did,” my friend says. “But no, I don’t mind, and Ian’s explained the situation, so- yeah. And thanks for making my VR headset all perfumey again.”

“You’re wel- wait, again?” Chloe asks.

“…Laura may have played with it a bit,” I explain, biting my lip and frowning as Chloe’s face falls slightly.

“Oh,” Chloe mumbles. “Well, okay, I guess.”

“I’ve saved some coffee for you, so help yourself,” Lee says as he relaxes back in his chair while Chloe scooches up to make room for me on the sofa. “D’you need a lift to uni?”

“Please,” Chloe replies. “Heh, kinda like the old days, you know? The three of us, off to college together…”

“Well, we all go to three different universities, but I guess,” Lee says, flashing me a sympathetic smile. The decision to stay apart from Chloe isn’t an easy one, but it’s one that I needed to make for the sake of my sanity.

…Not least because when I head into university a short while later, Ben is waiting for me, but Mac is conspicuous by his absence.

“Morning,” my dark-haired friend says with a half-grimace, half-smile. “You okay after last night?”

“Ugh… Yes and no,” I reply with a sigh. “Have you seen Mac yet?”

“Yep,” Ben replies, the smile fading from his face. “He’s talking to Steve, he- Steve, that is- said he wanted to see you too.” Steve being our lead professor on our course, who no doubt wasn't happy to hear what happened last year.

“No prizes for guessing why,” I sigh. “Did- was there, you know, much of a, like, problem after I left?”

“Umm, not really,” Ben replies. “Mac and Chloe left just after you did, but they had a mega argument on the way out too, so- yeah. Kellie was pretty unhappy with you too.”

“Ehh, I’ll have to talk to her later as well,” I sigh. And it turns out that I was Chloe’s second choice, or rebound or whatever, after all…

“Meh, it’ll blow over soon enough,” Ben shrugs. “You’re hardly the first two drunk straight guys to have a fight in a bar over a girl, after all.”

“Well- true, I suppose,” I chuckle as we arrive outside our professor’s office. “Wish me luck…” Ben gives me a gentle pat on my shoulder as I knock on the office door and am invited in. When I enter the office, Mac is unsurprisingly waiting for me, sporting a nasty bruise on the side of his face.

“Have a seat, Ian,” Steve says, gesturing to the chair next to Mac. Understandably, I hesitate, before sighing and lowering myself into the seat next to the tall blond man. I try not to flinch as our professor lets out a long, tired sigh at the sight of the obvious hostility between the two of us. “Needless to say, I heard about what happened last night and the circumstances surrounding it, and while I am very disappointed in both of you, there is a part of me that isn’t surprised that it escalated the way it did. Mac, what you said last night- and don’t deny it, because it was caught on camera-“ Great, I'm going to be on the internet, I think to myself. “Whether you think it is or not, it WAS transphobic hate speech. Obviously, that does not excuse either of you making it physical in any way, shape or form. I’m not going to issue any sanctions this time, on the understanding that this- both the hate speech and the fight- never happens again. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Mac and I mumble at the same time.

“Good,” Steve says. “It’ll probably be best if you two also don’t sit next to each other for the next few weeks, Ian, would you mind sitting over near Sarah and Kyle?”

“Nope, that works for me,” I reply, even if I do feel singled out at being the one to move, as it means that Mac will still be sat with Ben and could end up costing me yet another friend.

“Good,” Steve says. “We’d better get going, don’t want to be late for the first seminar. But first, you two shake hands.” I bite my lip to keep from frowning as Mac and I stand up and face each other. Mac is the first to extend his hand, which I reluctantly shake as I ponder whether or not to tell him about last night. After all, he never told me about him and Chloe, and given that she went straight from our flat to university, he probably doesn’t know that his relationship’s probably already over. Then again, him keeping his relationship with Chloe from me is a large part of why we had problems in the first place…

“You- you should call Chloe,” I say to the taller man. “She stayed overnight at our flat, on the sofa.”

“Ian, that’s not helping,” Steve chastises me.

“Better he hears it now than finds out out of the blue,” I retort, the angry look in Mac’s eye letting me know that I struck the intended nerve.

“…Fine,” Mac says, before leaving the office without another word.

“Was that true?” Steve asks as we leave a sizeable gap behind Mac before following. “What you said about your girlfriend?”

“Yes, and it’s ex-girlfriend,” I reply, feeling slightly offended at the insinuation. “I- I thought that, you know, if I told him it’d clear the air… Ugh, I dunno.”

“Yeah, well, best if the two of you give each other a wide berth for the next few weeks,” Steve advises.

“Yep,” I say as I enter the seminar room and set up my laptop far away from Mac and Ben.

The main reason I told Mac was, in fact, in the vain hope that I might actually retain a good friend- something that feels like it’s in short supply right now. Mac, however, clearly had no such worries when he rubbed his new relationship with my ex in my face. But even with that in mind, I’d rather have him as a friend instead of an enemy- not least because university is one of the very few places I had left where I felt truly comfortable, and now even that feels like it's being taken away from me…