“Getting a bit stuffy in there?” Jamie asks as I step out of the crowded party room and into the equally crowded area surrounding Charlotte’s swimming pool.

“Just a bit, yeah!” I reply, taking several deep breaths of fresh air to clear my head. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people here!”

“Well, it IS the night before AngelCon, hehe!” Jamie reminds me. “Though would I be right in guessing it’s one person in particular you’re looking for?” I giggle and blush as my friend looks at me expectantly.

“…Yeah,” I reply quietly.

“She’s over by the barbecue,” Jamie says with a warm grin. “With the rest of your band.”

“Thanks,” I say with a grin of my own.

My smile widens as I make my way over to where my bandmates are stood, not the least because of the sound of my 4” stiletto heels clicking on the patio, or the feel of my short, tight dark red cocktail dress hugging my increasingly feminine, curvaceous body. Five years ago, the thought that I’d ever be able to attend a big, fancy party like this was a mere fantasy. The fact that I’d be able to attend the party dressed the way I am was beyond fantasy. And the fact that I’d be one of the most famous women in the country was way beyond even my wildest dreams. And yet here I am, Stephanie Caroline Abbott, member of one of the UK’s biggest girl groups, over two million followers on Instagram, fans on all six continents and about to be featured at a convention where I will be one of the star attractions. And better than all of that is that I’m in love with the girl of my dreams, who comes to greet me with a long, deep kiss.

Needless to say, the media were all over Kayla and I in the weeks after we publicly came out. We did dozens of interviews on TV, radio and for magazines, we had several photographers around to our flat to document our day-to-day lives as well, and we even gained thousands of subscribers when we started our own Twitch gaming channels. However, not all of the attention we received was positive.

There were some people, who were in a very small but very vocal minority, who decided that my being in a relationship with another woman somehow invalidated me being transgender, as though it was impossible to want to be a woman but to also want to be WITH a woman. Even more frustratingly, many of those making this criticism were themselves lesbians, and when I (foolishly, I admit) replied to them, even though I was being as polite as I could manage, I was the one discriminating against them. I’ve been called a misogynist, a drag queen, a homophobe and even, believe it or not, a transphobe, and even though all of those obnoxious accounts have been blocked from all of my social media, the fact that there are those out there who seek to deny me the life I want to live still stings. What’s worse, though, is that many of the people who targeted me also targeted Kayla.

Kayla, of course, took it in her stride, shrugged off the criticism like the consummate professional she is. Or at least, she did publicly. Privately, I know how much each mean tweet stung her, and there were several nights when we’d just stay inside and stay off of social media altogether. Even worse- at least for her- is the knowledge that our relationship cost us several fans. However, the increased public interest in the band gained us several thousand more new fans, many of whom we’ll be seeing in the flesh tomorrow- and it’s this knowledge that has my bandmates bubbling with excitement as I approach.

“Hey Steph!” Becca squeaks, giving me a tight hug, as does Adeola once I’ve greeted my girlfriend.

“Hey Steffi-non-boots!” Adeola teases, giggling as I roll my eyes.

“FAR too hot for boots tonight!” I reply. “And besides, I’ve been dying to wear these sandals, hehe!” I grin as my bandmates all cheer while I show off my dress and my brand-new shoes.

“Still looking the other kind of hot though, Miss Abbott!” Adeola says, before grinning bashfully. “Not that I’m trying to make SOMEONE jealous, though!”

“You’d better not be,” Kayla giggles as she wraps her arms around my slender waist. “Ahh, but I’m REALLY looking forward to tomorrow, you know? I really wish I’d gone to America with you girls last year, but, well…”

“No beating being a dancing queen?” Becca asks, grinning as Kayla blushes and nods. “Meh, well, maybe next year one of us might get signed up. Or for Dancing on Ice.”

“I’ll take a pass on I’m a Celebrity, though,” Adeola says, triggering another group giggle. “Do you know who I heard might be going in that this year, though? Only Miss Lauren McTavish!”

“Aww, poor her!” Kayla moans, before giggling. “I am NOT surprised Constellation collapsed, though.”

“Kinda makes me wonder if we’re rubbing it in a bit, calling our next album ‘Unity’,” Becca muses with a smug grin.

“…Maybe a little,” I say, sharing a grin with my friend and bandmate even as internally, I squirm a little.

While Becca and Adeola have definitely personally profited from the increased publicity that Kayla and I got, the fact is that the vast majority of the attention the band has received over the last few months has been directed solely at me and Kayla. While neither Becca nor Adeola have said anything openly, it’s clear that neither of them are happy about the situation, whether it’s the four of us singing on TV and the presenters coming to me and Kayla first, or when they’re interviewed by themselves and inevitably asked about the two of us… Maybe our next album’s title is more ironic than we thought.

“Hey, you four!” The thick cockney voice of Katie, Heavenly Talent’s in-house photographer, calls, momentarily distracting the four of us as we pose for her camera. “Thanks, this’ll be on Insta within a few minutes, hehe! Speaking of, Bex, have you seen your fella around here anywhere?”

“What, is he slacking off AGAIN?” Becca asks with a dramatic huff, before letting out a gentle giggle. “Think he’s with the other BOYS in the living room.”

“Take nose plugs!” Adeola cautions, earning giggles from all of us girls as Katie scurries away. “Ahh… Bet she’s looking forward to her holiday after AngelCon!”

“We all are!” I giggle as I give Kayla another gentle hug.

“Not that we’re going anywhere next week,” Kayla says. “Though we are planning a long weekend in Portofino in September.”

“Ah, you’ll love it there,” Becca says. “Me and Riley went there last year, and it is SO gorgeous.”

“Where’s so gorgeous?” Kelly, one of the ‘Angels’, asks as she approaches with an unfamiliar young man.

“The Amalfi coast,” Becca replies, earning a happy sigh from our Angelic friend.

“Ugh, SO beautiful,” Kelly gushes. “I could go there, like, tomorrow if- well, if I wasn't REALLY busy this weekend, hehe!”

“Totally,” Becca giggles. “More importantly, are you going to introduce us?”

“Wh- oh, duh!” Kelly says with a girlish giggle. “I mean, that IS why I came over here, hehe! Girls, I’d like you to meet David, David, this is- well, I’m sure you watch TV, hehe!”

“Yeah, a bit!” David chuckles nervously as he exchanges polite, gentle handshakes with the four of us.

“David and I have been seeing each other for the last two months,” Kelly explains, confusing me- the last time I checked, Kelly was dating my ex-boyfriend…

“What- what happened between you and Kurt?” I ask, rolling my eyes at but otherwise ignoring the ‘ooh’s from Becca and Adeola.

“Oh, we ended a few months ago,” Kelly replies. “He’s not very, you know, fond of publicity, so we kinda kept it quiet.”

“Oh, ok-“ I say, before being abruptly interrupted.

“So, how did you two meet?” Kayla asks, before shooting me an angry glare that makes me squirm but that the others thankfully don’t pick up on.

“It was actually Jamie who set us up,” David replies. “She’s been doing a lot of promotional videos for the company my dad works for, we got talking and, well, obviously she’s married, but she suggested that I call Kelly, and I did, and well, here we are!”

“Now that is cool, hehe!” Kayla giggles.

“Not as much of a workplace romance as the two of you, though!” Kelly teases.

“Well- no,” I giggle. “You’d have a hard time topping the two of us, hehe!”

“Totally,” Adeola says, even though I can easily detect the jealousy in her eyes.

“Anyway, we’ve got to keep moving, got to keep schmoozing, hehe!” Kelly giggles. “Do you know if Alexa and Jenny are here?”

“Umm, I think I’ve seen them,” I reply. “Why, exactly?”

“The company my dad works for, it- it’s kinda owned by Jenny’s family,” David replies with a nervous chuckle. “We’ve actually known each other since we were teenagers, heh.”

“Ah, very cool!” Becca says. “Maybe you could, like, double date with them before they go back to America?”

“…Think we might be a bit too busy over the next couple of days,” Kelly says, earning giggles from all of us girls before she says her farewells and moves along.

“I’m going to get another drink,” Kayla announces. “You girls want anything?”

“If they’re still pouring champagne, I’m still drinking it!” Adeola giggles.

“Same, but I’d better make it my last for the night,” Becca says. “Want to keep a clear head for tomorrow, hehe!”

“Two champagnes, coming up!” Kayla says with a grin that quickly fades as I follow her back into the sweltering heat of the house and toward the crowded bar.

“Kay-“ I begin, only to be cut off by an exasperated sigh from my girlfriend.

“Okay, why were you so interested in whether or not Kurt’s still single?” Kayla asks, making me grimace and bite my lip.

“...I- I was just curious, that’s all,” I reply. “He- he’s still a friend, you know, and- ugh. And this really isn’t, you know, the time or the place…”

“…No, I guess it’s not,” Kayla mumbles. “Ugh, and I- I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but- ugh. Never mind. There are cameras here, we can talk later. Let- let’s just get our drinks and get back to the girls, okay?”

“Okay,” I whisper, forcing the smile back on my face as we head to the bar where, as always seems to be the case, my brother is waiting for us.

“Evening, ladies!” Danny says in his typical smart-Alek way. “Let me guess- 7-up, right?”

“Funny man,” I snort.

“Okay, diet 7-up it is,” Danny says, not wilting under our combined angry glare.

“Four glasses of champagne, please,” Kayla says.

“That’s a lot for a tiny girl like you,” Danny teases, before turning to me. “And what’ll you be having, Steph?”

“Just- just pour the drinks, okay?” I ask in a low growl.

“Jeez- okay, sor-ry!” Danny sighs as he pours our champagne. “What’s got you two all so wound up? You’d think you’d be excited, what with a show tomorrow…”

“We- we’re fine, really,” Kayla says, though the obvious anger in her voice says otherwise.

“Well- okay then,” Danny says. “Forgive me for being concerned about my little sisters. And yes, I said sisters, plural.”

“And I do appreciate it, really,” Kayla says softly. “It- it’s just always stressful the night before a show, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Especially as we’re going to be, like, singing with guest singers tomorrow.”

“And you’re seriously telling me that being on stage with Robbie Williams DOESN’T make you excited?” Danny asks, this time chuckling nervously as Kayla and I give him another angry glare.

“We’re professionals,” Kayla replies. “It’s the performance that’s most important.”

“And speaking of ‘professional’,” I say with a teasing grin of my own, “where’s your other half tonight?”

“Holding the fort at the bar where I actually get paid to pour drinks,” my brother replies. “She might be along later, I’ll let her know you were asking about her.”

“Thanks,” I say as I take the tray of drinks back out of the house. “Not going to get jealous of me asking about Rachel, are you?” I grimace immediately as the words leave my mouth and my tension levels skyrocket as Kayla snatches the tray of drinks out of my hand and sets it down, before physically dragging me around to a secluded corner of the garden.

“Okay, was that REALLY necessary?” My girlfriend hisses at me as I bite my lip, unable to return her furious stare.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I- I don’t know, I-“

“I think-“ Kayla says, before taking a deep breath to calm herself. “I think that we’re both stressed out, what with the convention tomorrow, and- and having to, you know, keep up appearances for the cameras…”

“Coming out publicly was meant to make us less stressed,” I say quietly.

“Yeah, well, it hasn’t entirely worked, has it?” Kayla says, before letting out a long, exasperated sigh. “I think- I think we should steer clear of each other for the rest of the evening. We’ll talk when we get home.”

“…Okay,” I mumble, trying to hold back my tears as Kayla slowly walks away, leaving me alone in the middle of the party.

And the worst thing is, arguments like this aren’t exactly rare, especially not since we went public with our relationship. They don’t happen every day, of course, but often enough to make both of us feel stressed out. Not just stressed out because of the strain it puts on our relationship, but because of the possible further consequences of that strain. Not only are we the only members of a major musical act who are in a relationship with each other, but we’re in a gay relationship, and a gay relationship where one of us is transgender. As much as we (and millions of our fans) might protest that ‘love is love’, our relationship is in a fairly exclusive niche, and that brings with it a lot of responsibility, which brings with it a lot of pressure for the relationship to not just succeed but be flawless in the public eye. And, of course, that causes us both a lot of stress.

We both have access to a lot of help, of course- our friends are all 100% on our side, and Dr Phillips is always on hand to help us in a professional capacity. The truth, though, is that we’re sailing into uncharted territory, and the waters were never going to be calm. However, as I just said, I have plenty of help ‘navigating’ them when I need it.

“Hey Steph!” Sarah says with a slightly tipsy grin. “Have you seen my wife anywhere?”

“Umm, not tonight, sorry,” I reply.

“You okay?” Sarah asks, making me internally groan- I’d forgotten she can be as perceptive as her mother…

“Yeah, fine,” I mumble in reply.

“You sure?” Sarah asks. “You just look a little distracted, that’s all…”

“Just nervous about tomorrow,” I shrug. “Got to make sure everything goes absolutely perfectly.” And not just tomorrow, I think to myself.

“Oh, I totally get that,” Sarah says. “I don’t think I slept at all in the week before I submitted my Masters dissertation, heh. It was totally worth it, though, I can’t wait to start work next month, hehe!”

“We can’t either!” Hannah giggles as she bounces toward us and gives us both a tight, excited hug. “I hope your employer knows you’ve got the numbers of some of the most famous models in the UK, who all want to help model your creations?”

“It… may have some up during the interview,” Sarah replies with a smug grin as I take the opportunity to skulk away.

Of course, everywhere I look, I see friends who I could easily start a conversation with, to distract myself from Kayla, but every time I walk up to them, the words I want to say just leave my brain, almost like I'm forbidding myself from having fun. However, this IS a party, and I am one of the most recognisable faces here, so it isn’t long before I’m in a conversation with someone anyway- and of all the people it could have been...

“Hey, Steph!” Troy says in his usual cool, laid-back way. “How’s things with you?”

“Umm, good, thanks!” I untruthfully reply. “You?”

“Can’t complain,” Troy replies with a grin. “I dunno if you heard, but I’m going to be working tomorrow, like, on the catwalk for a major brand.”

“Ah, really?” I reply, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. “That’s pretty cool!”

“Yeah…” Troy says, before frowning. “Steph, are- are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, ‘course I am,” I reply with a shrug that Troy immediately sees through.

“Oh come on, you’re not fooling me or anyone,” Troy says softly, smiling sympathetically as I frown. “Seriously, Steph, this is me you’re talking to, you know I’m not going to judge or blab it to everyone, right?”

“Me and Kayla, we- we kinda had an argument just now…” I mumble, trying not to cry as Troy gently leads me to a quiet corner of the garden away from prying eyes (and more importantly, away from prying cameras). “She got jealous that I was asking about an ex, and I- I-“

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Troy whispers, giving me a gentle hug as I silently weep.

“Thanks,” I whisper. “I- I’m fine, really. we’ll get over it, it- it’s hardly the first time we’ve argued, heh. Seems to always be right before a show as well…”

“Still though- and this’ll be the understatement of the year- it’s hardly ideal, is it?” Troy asks.

“It- it is what it is,” I sigh. “I’m sure that once AngelCon is over, we’ll talk it through and we’ll be, well, ‘Stayla’ again, heh. I just- ugh. It’s frustrating that it happens at all. And I hate to say it, but- but I know it wouldn’t happen if we were, you know, a ‘normal’ couple.”

“…By normal, you mean-“ Troy says hesitantly.

“No, I don’t mean ‘not gay’,” I clarify. “I mean, like, not in the public limelight the whole time. But even then, you know? I look at Jamie and Stuart, and Charlotte and Keith, and they’re, you know, perfect couples, and I- I still wonder if me and Kayla will ever get there. And we’ve been going out for two years already!”

“Yeah, well, if memory serves, those two couples you named didn’t exactly have a smooth ride,” Troy says. “Well, when I say ‘memory’, I mean of course what I read online, so, you know, take it with a massive pinch of salt, heh.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “And also… Ugh, this might sound silly…”

“No, go on,” Troy says softly.

“They- both couples you mentioned have kids,” I say with a loud sigh. “And, I mean, I’ve frozen, well, you know-“

“Sperm?” Troy asks, grinning as I blush and nod.

“…So, you know, it is kinda an option for me and Kayla, but- I don’t know if either of us would be fit to be parents,” I say. “And I know it’s kinda too soon to even be thinking about that, but- ugh. We’ve been going out for nearly two years, maybe it’s not THAT soon…”

“Yeah, but you’re still, what, twenty-three?” Troy reminds me. “And you wouldn’t even be thinking about that if you didn’t really, truly love Kayla, right?”

“Well- true,” I sigh. “And love isn’t the issue, it never has been.”

“Well, that puts you a hell of a lot further along than a lot of relationships I know,” Troy chuckles. “All of my former ones, for starters.”

“Hey, you and I both know there are plenty of guys who’d give their right arm to go out with you,” I say, making my friend smile sadly. “I’m sure there are plenty here tonight, in fact. And you can’t argue that they aren’t fit.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Troy chuckles.

“Even if I am only supposed to have eyes for one person, heh,” I mumble.

“Seriously, don’t worry about Kayla,” Troy says, gently cradling my chin in his hands. “Like you said, it was just a silly argument. You’ll be back to normal tomorrow after the show, I guarantee it.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Thanks for the talk, it- it really helped.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Troy says, smiling and giving me a tight hug. “You’re sure you’ll be okay?”

“Positive,” I reply. “I just- we’ll be fine. Really. You- you just go and enjoy the party, stop worrying about me!”

“Well… Okay then,” Troy says with a cheeky grin that makes me sigh as he walks away. I would, of course, be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to Troy, even if it's only slightly- he’s attractive, he’s a great listener and he’s become a great friend. And, of course, not interested in me as he sees me as 100% female, which is just another reason to like him. Even if I am seen by the public as only interested in girls, even if I have only ever been sexually active with one person, and she was female, it doesn't mean I can't also be attracted to boys, right? After all, bisexuality IS a thing...

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what, exactly, I am- that is, until I remember the message that I, the band and the Angels have been preaching for the last four years. The message that love is love, and I should be free to love whoever I want without having any labels attached- bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, even transsexual don’t matter when you’re with the one that you love. And I DO love Kayla. I just wish things could be a little less stressful…

After a quick repair job on my make-up, I emerge from where Troy and I had ‘hidden’, trying not to grimace as a photographer immediately gets a snap of me en route back to the house. I pass by the barbecue on my way back only to find that Kayla, Becca and Adeola have all moved on, causing me to sigh as I head back into the cramped party room. Even though it’s after 10:30pm and virtually everyone here will have an early start tomorrow, the party shows no signs of dying down, especially not with Nikki, Sarah, Alexa and Jenny currently (drunkenly) delighting the crowd by singing and dancing along to ‘Stop’ by the Spice Girls!

After taking a stealthy video of the foursome on my phone, I head through to the house’s posh kitchen to grab a small snack to keep up my energy levels, only to freeze when I see the one person I hoped not to see tonight.

“Oh- oh, umm, hi Steph!” Kurt says in his soft Canadian accent. “Didn’t think I’d see you today, heh!”

“No, umm, same here,” I say, fidgeting awkwardly as Kurt and two other guys turn to face me- one of whom I recognise, given that he’s been our producer for the last four and a half years, while the other I don't recognise at all. “Hey, guys…”

“Hi Steph,” Stuart says. “Hope you’re not pouring TOO much champagne over your vocal chords?”

“No, DAD,” I reply, earning an eye roll from my producer and chuckles from the other two guys- one of whom I still haven’t been introduced to, something I decide to take the initiative to change. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Stephanie Abbott.”

“Yeah, I- I kinda know already,” the newcomer says in a light Essex accent. “I’m, umm, Keiran, Keiran Barker, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” I say with a friendly smile. “So, how do you know these two?” My smile quickly turns into a confused frown as the three men all suddenly grimace, averting their gaze and shuffling their feet.

“…I guess I’m okay telling you, of all people,” Keiran says with a chuckle.

“…Tell me what?” I ask. “And why me, of all people?”

“For the first twenty years of my life, I-“ Keiran says, before pausing and taking a deep breath. “I kinda… kinda spelt my first name without an ‘n’.”

“Without an- oh,” I say, my eyes widening as I realise what Keiran’s implying. “Kinda like how my first name used to not have the ‘ie’ on the end?”

“Exactly,” Keiran says. “Me and Kurt met in a Facebook group online, we got talking, he introduced me to Stuart, and- well, today, umm, today is kinda…”

“If –if it’s sensitive, you don’t need to-“ I say.

“Oh- no, believe me, it’s not like THAT,” Keiran chuckles. “It’s kinda, you know, ‘embarrassing but not sensitive’.”

“Today’s his birthday,” Kurt says, smirking as Keiran rolls his eyes and blushes.

“Ah, happy birthday!” I giggle, deepening the young man’s blushes as I give him a hug and a gentle kiss on his cheek. “But you’re spending it holed up in the kitchen?”

“Yeah, well, it- it’s not really MY party, is it?” Keiran chuckles.

“Ah, so you’ll be, what, celebrating with friends tomorrow?” I ask.

“If I had any,” Keiran snorts, before frowning. “Ugh, I’m sorry, I- I just, you know, kinda feel out of place, heh.”

“Which is bullshit,” Stuart says.

“Absolutely,” I say with a warm smile that softens Keiran’s frown. “And not just for, well, the ‘obvious’ reasons. Everyone has a place at this party. Everyone.”

“…Thanks,” Keiran chuckles. “But, like, you’re a singer, Stuart’s a musician-“

“And I’m an architect,” Kurt interrupts. “Your point?”

“What is it you do for a living?” I ask the birthday boy, who simply sighs and shakes his head in reply.

“Something incredibly lame,” Keiran replies.

“Seriously?” Stuart snorts. “More like something incredibly cool!”

“…Well?” I ask.

“I- I design toys,” Keiran mumbles. “Remote controlled toys, like racing cars or drones, I design the circuitry for them.”

“That… is REALLY cool!” I enthuse.

“What, seriously?” Keiran asks.

“Yeah!” I giggle. “In fact, there’s someone you really should meet-“

“Yeah, we- we’ve looked for Ian, can’t find him anywhere,” Stuart says. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“Are you coming to AngelCon too?” I ask.

“Got tickets for both days,” Keiran replies with a shrug. “And… And a CD I’d kinda, well…”

“Consider it done,” I giggle. “I’ll get the rest of the girls to sign it as well, hehe!” Including my girlfriend, I say, my stomach churning and my smile straining as I remember our earlier argument.

“Thanks,” Keiran says with a bashful smile that seems to make his whole face light up.

“So,” I ask. “Are- are you-“ NO, I think to myself. Do NOT ask what you’re thinking of asking, you know it’ll get back to Kayla, and that’s the last thing you need right now… “…Looking forward to AngelCon?”

“Absolutely!” Keiran laughs. “Even if I am kinda, you know, single, so tagging along with Kurt and his girlfriend for the day, heh.” …And you answered the question anyway, even despite me not asking it, I think to myself.

“So, umm, you- you’re seeing someone?” I ask my Canadian ex. Dammit! I think to myself as the words slip out before I even realise it.

“Umm, yeah,” Kurt replies. “You- you know I live in Manchester now, right?”

“…No, I did not know that,” I reply.

“Yeah,” Kurt says. “I was working on the design for the new Heavenly Talent satellite office up there- a contract I obviously got through Kelly that my employer was really happy about- and I met one of the girls who’s starting work there when it opens in September and, well, yeah.”

“Cool,” I chuckle. “Well, umm, anyway, I’ll leave you three to it, and I’ll send Ian your way if I see him. Meanwhile, I’d prefer to talk to an actual GIRL, hehe!” My giggle gets louder as the three transmen all take playful bows.

“I think I saw her in the main room,” Stuart says, frowning as I look at him in confusion. “…Kayla? You know, your girlfriend?”

“Ah- yeah,” I say. “I think she said, umm, she was looking for your sister… thanks.” I smile as I leave the three men to their own business, before finishing my cupcake and heading back into the bustling main room, silently groaning with frustration at the encounter with my ex-boyfriend. Even though we didn’t go out for long, I did genuinely like Kurt- it wasn't just the case that I went out with him because I felt I had to go out with someone. And I know he liked me too, and I really regret hurting him the way I did when the relationship ended. However, I didn’t truly love him- nowhere near as much as I do Kayla. It’s definitely odd that both of my significant relationships have been with people whose names begin with the letter ‘K’. It almost makes me wonder whether or not Keiran and I could be a thing if I wasn’t already involved with Kayla…

“Hey Steph!” The cheerful voice of Krystie Fullerton says, ambushing me less than fifteen seconds after I leave the kitchen.

“Oh, hey Krys!” I say with a forced giggle. “Everything ready for the big move?”

“Umm, what big move?” Krystie asks, making me flinch- hopefully I haven’t put my foot in it…

“Umm… Your dance school?” I ask. “Aren’t you moving to a new building in September?”

“Oh- oh, that!” Krystie giggles. “No, we’re actually opening a new school in London in addition to the previous one, hehe! Might finally make a dent on the waiting list, heh. Might even restart the midweek classes for all of us girls, I know that Mary’s eager to shift some of her baby weight, not that she has any, hehe! Viks undoubtedly will too- well, six months from now, anyway!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “I do kinda miss those Wednesday classes.”

“Yeah, me too,” Krystie sighs. “Still, all of us are a lot busier now than we were then, and- never mind. We’ll work something out. But anyway, I was wondering where the rest of your band was? Need to make sure you’re all confident about the choreography tomorrow.”

“Last time I saw them they were out by the barbecue,” I say. “That was a while ago, though. And there isn’t that much choreography, is there?”

“No, but I still need to make sure you’re all okay, that you don’t have any questions,” Krystie replies. “If you’re okay, great! One down, three to go, hehe!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle.

“And I’m not surprised you’ve got all the choreography down quickly,” Krystie says in a teasing voice. “I have a hard time believing that your first ever ‘proper’ dance lesson was, well, as ‘Stephanie’, heh! You are a natural, not just as a dancer but as a woman too. Seriously.”

“…Thanks,” I say, my cheeks reddening from the compliment.

“I know, I know, it’s not all politically correct to keep reminding you, but-“ Krystie says.

“No, it- it’s okay,” I interrupt. “It is still nice to, you know, be complimented sometimes, even if it is kinda, you know, a ‘reminder’, heh.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Krystie says with a warm smile. “And don’t forget that just ‘cause it’s called ‘AngelCon’ tomorrow, it doesn’t mean it’s any less your day too. Well, you and the other three girls, heh!”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that!” I reply with a smug grin. “There are definitely some really, really nice things about fame, hehe!”

“Can you name any nasty things?” Krystie giggles as she heads off into the crowd. A few things, I think to myself as I start to mingle with the crowd, chatting with several of my friends (including a few non-UK-based Angels), but managing to avoid the rest of my band for the rest of the night, until the taxis arrive to take us home just after midnight. Needless to say, I have an awkward smile on my face as I head to where Kayla is stood next to our taxi, and unsurprisingly, Kayla has the same expression on her face.

“Hey,” Kayla says in a low mumble.

“Hey,” I say. “I, umm, I-“

“I’m so-“ Kayla says at the same time as me, causing us both to giggle. “You- you go first.”

“No, no, you can go first, it’s okay,” I say softly.

“No, really, please,” Kayla says, making me sigh tiredly.

“I- I’m sorry about earlier,” I say.

“I’m sorry too,” Kayla mumbles. “I guess I’m just, you know, stressed out about tomorrow, and- ugh. Can we- can we put this behind us?”

“Best place for it,” I say, earning a tired chuckle from my girlfriend, before we fall into each other arms for a long, tight, loving hug. “Let’s not fight again, okay?”

“O- okay,” Kayla says sniffling. “I love you, Steph.”

“I love you too,” I whisper, smiling as I give Kayla a soft, gentle kiss and not caring that the kiss will be on news and gossip websites before we even arrive back home. Both of us smile and wave for the assembled paparazzi as we climb into our taxi, before letting out long, exasperated sighs as we relax back into our seats.

“…I know I shouldn’t,” Kayla says in a low voice, “but I am actually going to be really glad when AngelCon is over, heh.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” I say quietly. “Especially as we’re overdue for a holiday. A PROPER holiday, where we don’t have to worry about, you know, ‘hiding’…”

“Yeah, but, you know, I don’t want to seem, like, ungrateful,” Kayla says. “You know how much I love all this, right?”

“Well, we’re all entitled to our private lives,” I shrug. “And if we’re talking about ‘ungrateful’, then I shouldn’t be as desperate as I am to get out of these shoes and this bra!”

“That would only be true if you were only pretending to be a woman,” Kayla says with a devilish grin that I quickly mirror. “Which you are, of course, not.”

“Not anymore,” I chuckle.

“Not ever,” Kayla says, squeezing my hand and causing tears to form in my eyes. “It just maybe took you a while to realise that.”

“Maybe,” I giggle, squirming in my seat as I’m reminded of the fact that there is still a significant part of me, specifically my body, that is decidedly NOT womanly.

For all my life, I’ve dreamed about being a woman. For the last four years, the dream has become a reality, and for nearly three years, I’ve been taking hormones to make it not just skin-deep. However, there is still one ‘obstacle’ to me living my dream, and it’s proving to be more of an obstacle than I first thought.

I am, of course, constantly reassured by everyone- Dr Phillips, my family, my friends and even some fans- that I don’t need SRS to be a woman. Even from a practical sense- years of hormones have resulted in enough ‘shrinkage’ that even our skimpy stage costumes don’t ‘expose’ anything (not even the authentic foil gymnastics leotards we wore for a music video last month), and Kayla has assured me that she has no complaints when it comes to 'bedroom activities'. And yet, I still can’t help but feel like an impostor at times.

‘Steve’ hasn’t reared his ugly head again, thank god, but everywhere I looked tonight, I saw women like me who’d taken the ‘final step’. Jamie, Nikki, Kelly, Our friends Jessica and Paige from America, Melissa from the German Angels… Even those who haven’t had the operation are booked in to do so soon, like Alexa, and even Janet, who’ll be going in for her operation in just a few weeks. Of course, I know that the operation isn’t simply like ‘waving a magic wand’, that there’ll be weeks, maybe even months of pain, of recovery and rehabilitation, but both Joshua and Jonathan have said that they’re happy for me to take as much time as I need to get back on my feet, and they’ll even pay for the operation to be done by one of Europe’s top surgeons. And yet, I’m still hesitant to ‘take the plunge’- and even worse, I can’t talk to the one person I want to talk to most about it.

Every time I bring up the topic of SRS, Kayla steers the conversation to a different topic entirely, just as she did whenever I tried to discuss us coming out publicly as a couple. And this reluctance to talk about it has made me wonder whether or not I truly want SRS, which in turn has made me start to resent Kayla, which in turn has made me feel guilty… It should be obvious why this is a vicious spiral I’m desperate to break, one way or another.

We arrive home a short while later, and despite exchanging a long goodnight kiss, we head to bed in our separate bedrooms. Naturally, with a big day ahead of me tomorrow, it takes me a while to get to sleep, though AngelCon occupies far fewer of my thoughts than our most recent argument…

My phone wakes me early the following morning, causing my tired head to ache despite my low alcohol intake last night. Once I’ve shaken the cobwebs out of my head, the next thing I’m aware of is music coming from the living room, and it doesn’t take long for me to realise the sound isn’t coming from the TV or the radio. I smirk as I wrap my light dressing gown around me and pad through to the living room, where as expected, Kayla is stood with her headphones on.

“When I get home to you,” Kayla sings in her flawless contralto.
“There is nothing I can do... But dream with you…”

“When we wake up together,” I sing, briefly startling my girlfriend. “With each other forever…”

“Oh- you- stop that!” Kayla says, giving me a playful shove as I head to our kitchen.

“Why do you need to practice the morning of a performance, anyway?” I ask. “You’ve nailed it in every rehearsal…”

“Yeah, but this is, like, an important one,” Kayla replies. “Ugh, I dunno, I- I just wanted something to do, and I didn’t want to wake you- ugh, sorry, did- did I wake you?”

“Nah, I set my alarm to get up at this time,” I reply as I pour myself a drink. “Want some orange juice?”

“Please,” Kayla replies. “So hot today that I’m actually glad we’re not allowed to have hot drinks the morning before a performance, heh!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “So… We- we’re okay, aren’t we?”

“…Of course we are,” Kayla replies, giving me a long, tight hug that makes my anxiety fade. “So we had a bit of an argument. No point dwelling on it, couples fall out from time to time. It doesn’t mean I love you any less, you know?”

“Yeah, I- I know,” I say with a happy sigh, before frowning. “Just- just so I’m not keeping anything from you, I- I spoke to Kurt last night. We just ran into each other at random, and-“

“I- I know,” Kayla says with a smile. “I talked to him too last night, a few minutes after you did, he told me you ran into him and Stuart in the kitchen and- well, yeah.”

“And-“ I say, before grimacing and hesitating. Given the reason for our argument yesterday, mentioning I met Keiran is probably the last thing I want to do right now. “And I kinda, you know, don’t want there to be any, like, secrets between us.” You hypocrite, I think to myself as my stomach grumbles loud enough for my girlfriend to hear.

“…Nerves?” Kayla asks with a smile that widens as I nod. “Me too, heh. But, you know, once this is done…”

“We’ll have a full four days to ourselves before our next gig!” I chuckle. “I know, I know, it was my idea to offer to sing at Ashley’s prom, but- yeah. REALLY looking forward to that holiday, heh!”

“Me too,” Kayla says. “But we’ve got a big day first, lots of adoring fans to- well, adore us!”

“As long as they keep their hands off,” I say with a giggle as Kayla puts her rehearsal equipment away and heads to the bathroom for a quick shower.

After Kayla showers, I take my turn, before applying only a light layer of make-up (it’ll be done professionally later anyway, before we go on stage) and pulling on a loose tank top, a short denim skirt and a pair of comfortable flats (all of which will also obviously be changed for something much fancier before going on stage). Once we’re ready, we head down the stairs of our flat hand-in-hand, smiling as we emerge into the hot London air and climb into the back of our waiting taxi, paparazzi following us every step of the way.

Kayla and I let out sighs of relief once we’re in the taxi, though our relief only lasts for about 40 minutes before we arrive at the O2 arena to find the lengthy queues outside. While we’re no strangers to performing at the O2, neither of us have ever seen queues like this before.

“Wow,” I breathe as the taxi pulls up to the VIP entrance of the vast arena. “This is an even bigger crowd than America last year!”

“I know!” Kayla squeaks, barely able to contain her excitement. “This is so amazing…” I nod in agreement with Kayla as we get out of the taxi, both of us sporting wide, genuine grins as we get out of the taxi and wave for the crowd before heading into the arena. Our excitement levels barely even have the chance to drop before we’re ambushed by our unofficial ‘boss’ for the weekend.

“Hey girls!” Nikki says, the enthusiasm in her voice contrasting with the dark glasses on her face and very obvious hangover in her skull.

“Ah, good morning!” I say in a playfully loud voice, giggling as my friend winces. “Not too hungover, then?”

“I’m too busy to be hungover!” Nikki chuckles. “Today is even more mental than New York and Los Angeles put together, heh! Follow me, I’ll take you to your dressing room. Becca and Adeola are already here and are getting their make-up done. You’ll be on first with Robbie as part of the big launch event, your costumes are ready, everything’s laid out, so just sit back and let us girls do our job.”

“Cool, can do!” I giggle.

“Nervous?” Nikki asks. “Not that you haven’t been on stage, like, a million times already?”

“Meh, you always get a bit nervous right before a big show,” Kayla replies.

“Or in my case, utterly terrified before our first concert,” I chuckle as I remember just how scared I was- though at that time, it was the prospect of being disconnected from 'Steve' for a prolonged period that scared me the most. And as that fear gradually vanished, so did my nerves at performing live- though I will admit I do still have some butterflies in my stomach because of just how important today's show is.

“But it’s eventually become, you know, like normal, everyday, right?” Nikki asks.

“Well, yeah, but me and you both have a lot of experience with ‘new normals’, right?” I ask, earning a giggle from my close friend.

“Absolutely we do!” Nikki giggles. “It's insane to think I've just passed the third anniversary of my SRS, heh.” Needless to say, this makes me squirm just a little, and surprisingly, it does Kayla as well.

“Yeah, well, I’m some way off THAT,” I chuckle.

“You’ll get there,” Nikki says in a tone that’s meant to be reassuring. “Sooner or later, and I’d be willing to bet ‘sooner’ rather than later, hehe!”

“Thanks,” I chuckle nervously as we arrive at our dressing room.

“Well, I’ve got to go, got about a hundred other Angels from around the world to check up on!” Nikki giggles. “If you need anything, just pop me a message and I’ll be right over. Hence why I’m wearing flats today, hehe!”

“Thanks, we will!” Kayla says, before letting out a sigh as we close the dressing room door behind us- something that doesn’t go unnoticed by the other half of our band.

“Hope you ain’t gonna sigh like that on stage!” Adeola teases my girlfriend, who replies with an eye roll.

“Like I ever would?” Kayla replies, before grinning as we each greet our bandmates with a hug each.

“Did you see the crowd on the way in?” I squeak. “This might be our biggest show since the last time we played at Southampton stadium!”

“Finally, the three of us get a hometown advantage!” Becca says in a teasing voice, making my girlfriend giggle and shake her head.

“Like we’ve never played in London before?” Kayla retorts. “or even in the O2?”

“Never played with Robbie Williams before, though!” Adeola chuckles. “God, did you ever think we’d have been able to say that four years ago?”

“I, for one, never doubted it,” Becca says, giggling as she earns good-natured jeers from the rest of us.

“There’s- there’s a lot about the last four years that I didn’t see coming,” I say, blushing as I get some good-natured jeers of my own.

“Well I never doubted THAT either,” Becca says. “Seriously, Steph, you and me, we’re, like, the exact same size. Not just height, but dress size, bra size, everything. When I checked on our costumes just now the only way I could see which one was mine was because yours had boots and mine didn’t! It really is like- no, not just ‘like’. You WERE born to be a woman, Steph. Never doubt that.” My cheeks flush bright red as I try to keep tears from forming in my eyes, but my efforts fail and I laugh and cry, leaning forward to give my bandmate a tight hug. Adeola and Kayla quickly join in the hug as I try to compose myself.

“…Thanks for not waiting until after my make-up was done,” I say, earning giggles from the other three girls. And thank you for your words, seriously. Even after four years, sometimes I- I need to hear that, heh.”

“Well, I’m happy to say it any time you need to hear it,” Becca chuckles. "Don't forget that my brother's transgender, so I've had thirteen years of experience of knowing when to, well, 'affirm' the people I love, heh."

"And I do appreciate it," I chuckle. "Even if I do feel kinda 'singled out' sometimes."

"Oh- did I, umm, get it wrong?" Becca asks, a look of genuine concern spreading across her face, which fades when I shake my head.

"Nah," I reply. "Like I said, sometimes I do still need to hear it, heh. That, and the 'people I love' line too."

"Well, trust me, it's more than just a 'line'," Becca reassures me. “I do genuinely love all of you like sisters. The four of us don’t hang out together nearly as much as we should.”

“Mainly ‘cause all of us are too busy doing couple things, like preparing for weddings!” Adeola says, smirking smugly as she flashes the diamond ring on her left hand. Naturally, this makes both Kayla and I fidget a bit. I can’t say that I’ve never thought about proposing to Kayla, but considering how turbulent our relationship has been, how secretive it was at the start and how public it is now, us getting engaged would add an extra layer of complexity and stress that we simply don’t need right now. I’m happy living together and loving together with Kayla. Why fix what isn’t broken? Then again, the same could be said about SRS...

“We should do something together,” Kayla says. “Whether it’s the four of us or the six of us, heh.”

“Other than touring, you mean?” Adeola asks with a giggle. “But yeah, I know what you mean. I don’t wanna, you know, be one of those bands that, like, eventually grows to hate each other.”

“Me either,” I say. “God knows it was a close enough call three years ago, when Lauren left.”

“Well, that’s all in the past,” Becca says with a well-deserved smug smile. “All I’m thinking about is how many millions more fans we’re going to get after this weekend!”

“Hell yeah!” Adeola cheers, quickly followed by me and Kayla. Before any of us can say anything else, a runner appears, letting us know that it’s our turn in the make-up room.

“Looks like it’s showtime, girls!” Becca says with a wide grin.

“Umm, you do know we’re going to be at least an hour getting ready, right?” Kayla asks.

“Meh, it still counts,” Becca replies with a giggle. “Unless you’re telling me you DON’T like getting into make-up and costume for a show?”

“I know I love it,” I say with a wide grin that my bandmates mirror as we walk through the arena’s vast backstage area.

Just over 90 minutes later, the four of us are backstage, having had our thick stage make-up professionally applied and having exchanged our clothes for fringed white skirts and crop tops with Angel wings attached to the back, along with white fishnet tights and (in my case at least) white knee-high boots. As is always the case before a show, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and my adrenaline and anxiety levels are through the roof. However, all my stress goes away when I glance over at the other three girls, especially Kayla, whose smile tells me that, as always, everything will go perfectly. Moments later, the music starts, triggering a loud, excited scream from the assembled crowd- and my anxiety vanishes- this is show time.

“Good luck, girls,” Robbie says to us with a cheeky grin, before walking out on stage to even louder screams than before.

“I sit and wait,” the world-famous singer sings.
“Does an Angel contemplate my fate?
And do they know,
The places where we go,
When we're grey and old?
'Cause I have been told,
That salvation lets their wings unfold.
So when I'm lying in my bed,
Thoughts running through my head,
And I feel the love is dead,
I'm loving angels instead.

“And through it all,” we sing as we join Robbie on stage to even louder cheers. “She offers me protection,
A lot of love and affection,
Whether I’m right or wrong.
And down the waterfall,
Wherever it may take me,
I know that life won’t break me,
When it comes to call.
She won’t forsake me,
I’m loving Angels instead…”

I glance over at Kayla during the last two lines of the chorus to let her know that even though I’m supposed to be singing for the crowd, those two lines are for her ears only. The smile she gives me is enough to reassure me that for now, at least, all is well in 'Stayla land'. My adrenaline levels quickly rise again, though, when the music suddenly changes to an equally familiar, but more upbeat tune that sends the crowd’s excitement levels into overdrive.

“Hell is gone and heaven’s here, there’s nothing left for you to fear,” Robbie sings.
“Shake your ass, come over here, now scream!” Despite myself, I let out a loud yelp as the crowd let out an ear-piercing scream!
“I’m the burning effigy of everything you used to be,
You’re my rod of empathy, my dear!”

“So come on and let me entertain you!” I sing along with Robbie and the rest of the band as the Angels- not just the British Angels, but all of them from around the world- take to the stage to deafening cheers from the crowd. A short while later, our song comes to an end, and all of us on stage are showered with rapturous applause and cheers from the crowd, and as I look out at them, I know immediately that this stage is where I belong- as a singer, a superstar and especially as a woman.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Our MC for the weekend, the famous TV host Michael McIntyre, yells in his typical ebullient manner. “Robbie Williams and Out of Heaven!” I smile and wave for the crowd as the five of us take our bows, before making way for the real stars of the show. “Welcome, one and all, to AngelCon 2019!” As the introductions to the weekend continue, we slip backstage, where we all celebrate together- even our ‘guest singer’.

“You did great out there, girls!” Robbie gushes, earning excited squeaks from the four of us. “Any chance you can back me up on my next tour?”

“If you think you can afford us,” Adeola replies, earning a genuine laugh from the famous singer.

“…I’ve met your uncle before,” Robbie replies, “so I’ll probably have to get back to you on that!”

The four of us spend the next ten minutes chatting with Robbie, before he takes his leave and we head back to the dressing room to change into our clothes for the meet and greet session that's up next. Naturally, in my case at least, this doesn't mean the casual skirt and top I wore to the arena, but rather a very slinky and very expensive knee-length red dress with my obligatory knee-high boots. And, of course, the look in Kayla's eyes as I slither into the dress tells me that she greatly approves of my look- as does the look in my eyes as she pours herself into her calf-length pink halter dress!

Once we’re changed, we make our way to a small ‘holding area’ backstage, where many of the international Angels are engaged in conversations in their various native languages. Thankfully, some of the Angels’ have English as their first language, and Kayla and I soon find ourselves drawn into a conversation with Tanya and Saoirse from the Irish Angels- though I soon regret it when I learn what the topic of the conversation is.

“Ugh, I don’t envy you one bit,” Saoirse says, before grinning as she sees me and Kayla approach. “Oh, hey Steph, Kayla! Me and Tanya were talking about- well, umm, I guess it is kind of a sensitive subject, but, well, you of all people…”

“Umm… Okay?” I ask, confused by my Irish friend’s minced words.

“Me- me and Seersh were talking about SRS,” Tanya sighs. “I’ve got mine booked in for the autumn and, well, I’m getting kinda nervous, heh!”

“Can imagine!” I chuckle.

“Well, I- I thought you wouldn’t need to imagine?” Tanya asks. “I mean, you of all people, right?”

“Umm- well, I- I kinda haven’t even booked mine yet…” I say, fidgeting awkwardly as my friends also suddenly look uncomfortable- and Kayla looks the most uncomfortable of anyone here. “I mean, I- I’m thinking about it, and talking it over with my counsellor, but- well, not set a date, heh.”

“Oh- okay, I’m sorry…” Tanya mumbles.

“No- no, you’re okay, really,” I say. “And I am happy that you’ve got a date set, heh! And no, I don’t blame you one bit for being nervous.”

“Thanks,” Tanya says with a quiet chuckle. “If you don’t mind me asking- and, you know, stop me if this is too personal, but- but why haven’t you- umm, you know…?” I pause and fidget as I try to come up with an answer for my friend- as well as trying to think of an answer that’ll satisfy myself. As I've already said, the truth is that I genuinely don’t know if SRS is the goal I’m working toward, and I don’t know how to explain that to someone who's long since decided that it IS their goal...

“It- well…” I mumble, hesitating and creating an awkward silence.

“How long will you guys be in London?” Kayla asks, making me frown as she hijacks what WAS my conversation.

“Just until Tuesday,” Saoirse replies. “Back at work on Wednesday, heh.”

“Saoirse’s landed herself a gig hosting a daytime TV show 3 days a week,” Tanya says with a grin. “Dunno if you can get it over here, but I’ll definitely send you a YouTube link, hehe!”

“That’d be so cool,” Kayla giggles. “We hardly ever get any TV gigs that don’t involve us singing, but- well, that’s a lot better than nothing, hehe!”

“Totally,” I say with a forced smile. It’s not that I’m glad that the conversation has moved on from SRS, but I'm still more than a little bit annoyed that my girlfriend, of all people, completely derailed it to another topic completely. Fortunately, a few seconds later, a small army of runners arrives to escort us to the tables where we’ll be doing meet and greets. Judging by the noise the crowd makes when we merely emerge from the backstage area, I’ll have plenty to take my mind off of things!

The meet and greet was initially meant to last for an hour, but due to the size of the crowd, it eventually gets extended an extra hour for those of us who aren’t due on stage or at any panels, which includes me, Kayla and the rest of the band. Not that I’m complaining, mind you- our line is as long as any of the Angels’, and all of the fans waiting to speak to us are buzzing with excitement even after standing in a queue for over an hour. Unsurprisingly, there are a good number of transgender fans of all ages, nationalities and genders who line up for selfies with us, all of whom make a point of telling me what an inspiration I’ve been to them- especially the two young women who I see about ninety minutes after the start of the meet and greet.

“Hey, you two!” I say in a teasing voice to the two blonde teenage girls who step up to our table, both of whom blush and giggle nervously. “How come you’re waiting in line like everyone else, couldn’t Janet get you VIP passes?”

“Oh, believe me, we tried,” Ellie chuckles. “But she said she could only get one for us and, well, I couldn’t leave Jade out here all by herself, hehe!”

“Even if I AM sixteen,” Jade- Ellie’s younger sister, who like her, is also transgender- says with a roll of her eyes.

“Well, either way, it’s great to see the two of you today!” I say with a giggle as I sign the sisters’ Out of Heaven poster and pose for a selfie with them. “Have you two finished college for the year?”

“Yep!” Ellie replies. “Got a nice long summer ahead of us, heh. Well, when we’re not checking in on Janet, anyway.”

“Checking in on…?” I ask, before grimacing as I realise what my young friend means- the same thing I was talking to Tanya about earlier. “…Ah.”

“Yep!” Ellie giggles, apparently oblivious to my awkwardness. “Then it’ll be my turn, heh, though I will admit I am a bit nervous, even though I’m not having it done until after I graduate.”

“I bet,” I say with a tired chuckle. “I can’t really chat now- take a look at the line behind you if you don’t believe me- but I will find a time to catch up with you over the summer, okay?”

“Oh my god, yes!” Ellie squeaks. “That’ll be SO cool.”

“Take care of yourselves, okay?” I say, smiling as the sisters head to the next table, though my smile fades when I see my bandmates grinning smugly at me. “…What?”

“Oh- nothing,” Becca replies.

“It’s just cute how you, you know, got a little ‘posse’ of your own,” Adeola says. “Like, most people become singers ‘cause they want to be rich and famous, but you, you know, help people.”

“Umm, okay…” I say. “I do like being rich and famous too, you know?”

“Oh- definitely,” Becca giggles. "After all, everyone paid to get in, right?"

"And we're getting a large chunk of that money, hehe!" Adeola giggles, making me giggle and sigh before turning back to the expectant queue.

“Hi-“ I say to the next person who steps up to our table, before sighing and giggling as I see the face of the young man in front of me. “Now I KNOW you have a backstage VIP pass!”

“I never said that,” Keiran replies with a smug grin. “I just said I was tagging along with Kurt and his girlfriend.”

“His girlfriend who works for Heavenly Talent’s Manchester office, right?” I retort.

“Well, technically, it hasn’t opened yet, so…” Keiran says, making me chuckle and roll my eyes. “Any chance I can, you know, get my selfie?”

“Yes, yes, okay,” I chuckle, before grinning as I and the rest of the band pose for photos with the young transman. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Sure,” Keiran replies. “Are- are you guys going to be on stage again today?”

“For a little bit this evening,” Becca replies. “Though we’re doing about a 45-minute set tomorrow afternoon.”

"And we may be part of the Billy Porter segment later tonight,” Adeola says. “Depends how busy we are.”

“Now THAT is something I’m looking forward to!” Keiran chuckles. “See you later then!”

“Bye!” the four of us all say with a giggle as we wave our new friend away.

“…So, that was Kurt’s friend?” Kayla asks.

“Umm, yeah, I met him at the party yesterday,” I reply. “I told you about that, didn’t I?”

“I don’t think you did,” Kayla replies, before sighing. “Can we- can we take a quick break, please?”

“Sure,” Becca whispers, clearly as concerned as I am by Kayla’s sudden attitude change. “We’ll be back in ten minutes, everyone, don’t go anywhere!” The four of us- even Kayla- smile as we wave to the understandably disappointed crowd, though the smiles quickly fade when we get backstage, and my anxiety levels start climbing once again.

“Kayla, I-“ I plead, only to be silenced by my girlfriend holding up her hand. I know her well enough to know that’s only barely holding back tears, which immediately makes my tear ducts well up too.

“…I- I’m okay,” Kayla says, taking a deep breath to calm herself. “I over-reacted, and I- I just need a few minutes, please.”

“O- okay,” I whisper, instinctively approaching my girlfriend to try to comfort her.

“In- including from you, Steph,” Kayla says, causing tears to start to trickle down my cheeks as I nod and leave her to herself.

Needless to say, when we emerge from our backstage area, all of us have wide, professional smiles on our faces- especially Kayla, who makes a point of sitting down next to me and giving my hand a tight squeeze for our fans, even though I can tell from the look in her eyes that she’s still upset.

Thankfully, despite being extended yet again, the meet and greet only lasts another 45 minutes before the area is cleared for the next event to take place. This gives the four of us the much-needed chance to head backstage to relax with the rest of the Angels. However, as hard as I try, I’m simply unable to relax- the look on Kayla’s face tells me that all she wants is to be left alone, and I know better than to ignore that. I’m slightly calmed by the fact that we can and will talk when we return home, but with AngelCon, SRS and now Keiran on the list of things we need to talk about, even that prospect is filling me with dread.

The worst thing is that Keiran shouldn’t be on the ‘list’ at all- he’s just a guy that I’ve now met twice, that I’ve got along with well, sure, but no better than, say, Stuart, or Ian, or any of my other male friends. I won’t deny that Keiran’s good looking, but I’m not looking at him THAT way, not when I’m with Kayla- unless I am looking at him that way without realising it, and Kayla’s picked up on something that I haven’t…

I sigh as I head to the buffet table, hoping to be able to get some peace and quiet while I eat, before getting back to the hard work of the day. My hopes are shattered, though- as I knew they would be in an area as crowded as our 'rest' area- when a familiar smiling face slides up next to me.

“Been a busy day today, hasn’t it?” Nikki asks. “I don’t know about you, but I am KNACKERED!”

“Yeah, it’s been pretty hectic!” I say with a forced giggle. “Been busy backstage, then?”

“Ugh, like you wouldn’t believe!” Nikki says. “I actually can’t wait to get home and just, you know, fall into a coma in bed, but that’s not going to be until midnight at the earliest, then I’m right back here at 6am tomorrow, heh!”

“Well, at least you’ll get next week off to recover, right?” I ask. “And speaking of recovering, after last night I-“

“I’ll get Monday off to recover,” Nikki interrupts, rolling her eyes as I smirk. “And as for last night, don’t remind me.”

“I’m amazed you can remember it at all,” I tease my fellow transwoman.

“I really didn’t drink much at all last night,” Nikki says. “’Cause I knew I was going to have a long day, and long days plus hangovers equals no thank you! I just, you know, kinda get caught up in the moment when it’s a party, especially one like last night. And you have to admit, it was AWESOME having so many people there!”

“God, yeah!” I chuckle. “Though I’m also looking forward to, you know, just having some quiet time alone tonight, heh.”

“What, alone with Kayla?” Nikki teases, giggling as I roll my eyes, hoping that Nikki doesn’t catch on to the fact that Kayla and I aren’t exactly seeing eye-to-eye right now. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to some ‘quiet’ time with Sarah, heh. Hardly seen her at all today, I’ve been so busy! But it’s nice just knowing that she’s nearby.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle as I sit down with my food and glance over at where Kayla is sat talking to two of the new French Angels. “Where is Sarah, anyway? You must’ve got her a backstage pass?”

“Oh- definitely,” Nikki chuckles. “And Jexy too. But I think they’re out there checking out the booths, or chatting to Jessica and Paige or Nat and Zoe. I’m happier here where the REAL fun is, hehe!” Yeah right, I think to myself.

“Yep!” I say with a disingenuous giggle.

“So…?” Nikki asks.

“…Yes?” I ask.

“Are you going in for the big show later tonight?” Nikki asks. “The Billy Porter thing? It’s apparently going to be INSANE, virtually every Angel’s signed up for it, and I was just looking at the costumes backstage, and-“

“I- I’ll think about it,” I chuckle. “Depends on how tired I am.”

“What, really?” Nikki asks. “I’ve been here since 7am and even I’m trying to sneak into it! Steph, is- is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I lie, before letting out a long, pained sigh. “…Not quite. It- it’s me and Kayla, we- ugh. It’s probably just stress over AngelCon, but we- we’ve been kinda, you know, tense…”

“…Want to talk about it?” Nikki asks softly. “Somewhere a bit less cramped?”

“No- no, I’ll be fine,” I say. “Once AngelCon’s over and we’re less, you know, under constant surveillance, heh. Though these arguments, they- they’re not exactly, you know, anything new…”

“I don’t even want to think about what it must be like,” Nikki says. “I mean, if you don’t mind me saying, I get- well, some of what you’re going through. The obvious thing, well, obviously. The same-sex relationship thing, yep. But adding in having fans and press and the world following your every move? My head would’ve exploded AGES ago. I kinda don’t blame you guys for keeping it secret for as long as you did. Pity there’s no way to go back to doing that.”

“Trust me, that wasn’t any less stressful,” I snort. “I’ve just replaced being paranoid about being found out everywhere we go together to being paranoid about- ugh, I dunno. And yes, I know we need a holiday. We are taking one soon, believe me. VERY soon.”

“I’ve just come back from holiday and I think I’ll need one after this weekend!” Nikki chuckles. “But really, if you need to talk, just let me know. But I think you should probably talk to Kayla before me.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “And I will, honestly. Don’t- don’t worry too much about us. It’s just a silly little tiff, we’ll be fine. Really. Though I- I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Joshua about this. Or Jonathan. Ugh, though they’ll probably find out about it from Adeola anyway…”

“Well, even if they do, they won’t hear about it from me,” Nikki says with a friendly smile, before finishing her drink and giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “I’ve got to get going now, got loads still to set up for tonight! And even if you don’t take part in the event tonight, please at least watch? You like Pose, right?”

“I love it, yeah,” I reply. “And I’ll definitely watch, I promise.” I smile as my friend heads off to continue her work, though inside, I feel simply exhausted. Exhausted of AngelCon, exhausted of the paparazzi, of the fans… Even of Kayla. Though the truth is, I know I wouldn’t be so stressed if I didn’t truly love her, even when you consider the impact our separation would have on the band.

After I finish my meal, I go for a stroll around the backstage area of the arena, musing on my friend’s advice. Kayla and I do need to talk, but not in a ‘we need to talk’ sense of the word- though if things continue on the way we’ve been going, we may end up there, and sooner than either of us would have hoped. I don’t know whether I agree that things were less stressful before we came out publicly, though I couldn’t say whether or not Kayla would agree with that…

Eventually, afternoon turns into evening, and after a few more panels and events (including a 3-song set from us, which thankfully goes off without any awkwardness), the crowd start to make their way back to the main arena for tonight’s ‘main event’. Heeding Nikki’s advice, I find a secluded place backstage where I can watch the show by myself. I will admit that a tingle goes down my spine when the lights in the arena dim and our MC for tonight walks onto the stage, dressed extremely extravagantly in what is meant to be a Buckingham Palace guard uniform- though no soldier has ever worn anything quite like this! The red tunic of the uniform has been extended at the back into a long, flowing skirt and embellished with countless crystals, while the usual bearskin hat has been replaced by a hat almost two and a half feet tall and covered in both black feathers and peacock feathers.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the always flamboyant, charismatic voice of Billy Porter announces, “for one night only, heaven can be found here, in the city of London!” The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as the crowd screams with excitement, while smoke and holograms fill the arena.

“The lights! The music!” Billy calls, as the arena is filled with the strains of Madonna's 'Like a Prayer', which can only barely be heard over the roar of the crowd. ”Tonight, the only category is: pure, angelic beauty!” I grin and squeak with excitement as all of the Angels stride out onto the stage, each one wearing elaborate designer dresses of many different shapes, sizes and colours. My mind immediately flashes back to when I was eighteen, before ‘Stephanie’ was even a thing, when I’d watch the first season of the Angels in secret in my bedroom. My favourite episodes were always those where the cameras would follow the Angels on fashion shoots, when they’d be wearing elaborate dresses, swimwear, costumes and even lingerie. I would lie back and fantasise what it would be like to be one of the Angels, to not only wear such fancy clothing but to get paid to do so and be admired, adored even by millions of fans. And then, my dreams came true.

Earlier today, I wore an elaborate costume and thick make-up on stage in front of thousands of adoring fans. I have millions more fans who follow me on social media and gobble up every photo I upload of me in a dress, swimwear or costume (though, for obvious reasons, never any lingerie). And not just because I’m part of Out of Heaven- they admire Stephanie for Stephanie, just as I admired Jamie-Lee Burke for being Jamie-Lee Burke, regardless of being an ‘Angel’. There are potentially thousands of ‘Steve’s out there looking to me for inspiration, for hope, for anything to give them the courage to be who they truly are inside. Regardless of SRS, regardless of whether or not I’m with Kayla, regardless of even being a part of Out of Heaven, I belong on that stage with the other women, plain and simple. Being a public figure can be stressful and it can have a lot of responsibility attached, but there is no greater feeling than thousands of fans adoring me, affirming me- or even merely accepting me. I owe that much to myself just as much as to my fans.

“Oh, hey Steph!” Nikki says with a smug grin as I approach the ‘holding area’ where several of the Angels are waiting for their turn on the stage. “Changed your mind, then?”

“Oh- stop looking so pleased for yourself and find me a dress,” I reply, grinning as my friend jumps to action and picks a dress off a nearby rack that makes me gasp excitedly- as does the sight of my girlfriend about six places ahead of me in the queue of women waiting to go onstage.

Twenty minutes later, after a hasty make-up job, I’m stood just behind the curtain, waiting to go out on stage. I put all thoughts of SRS, of Keiran, of Kayla and all my stresses out of my head and immerse myself in the moment. The moment I have experienced countless times at concerts all across the UK and even further afield, the moment I have experienced many times on television- the moment I even experience every day when I wake up and remember that yes, I am the woman I always fantasised about being. And it is no less exciting today than it was four years ago, when I first presented ‘Stephanie’ to the world.

“Out she steps!” Billy announces as I step out onto the catwalk, smiling at the cheers I receive from the crowd. “Miss Stephanie Abbott! Body and voice straight out of heaven itself, and if you don’t believe me, you need only look at her many gold records!” I grin as our MC continues to sing my praises while I pose in my dress, feeling the long, soft chiffon swish around my legs while simultaneously clinging to all of my many womanly curves.

When my ‘turn’ is done, I head to the space that’s been left for me at the edge of the stage with the other Angels, but before I get there, I make a beeline to where my girlfriend is stood, and as the crowd reach fever pitch, I give her a long, deep kiss.

Kayla and I allow ourselves to be lost in the moment as the crowd roars in approval and flashbulbs go off all around us. When we break the kiss, I gaze deep into Kayla’s eyes as she stares into mine with a look that reassures me that for now, everything is perfect between us. No need to worry about SRS, or boys, or the band, or haters, or even our friends and family. For now, anyway…

The rest of the fashion show proceeds according to plan, and as the evening draws late, I and the rest of the band finish off the day with an impromptu performance of ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’, sending the crowd home on a high. The rest of us stick around for another 45 minutes for a brief afterparty, before reluctantly exchanging our elaborate dresses for the casual clothes we wore to the arena and climbing in a taxi to whisk us back home.

“Whew!” Kayla says, taking a deep breath as she fastens her seatbelt. “If Los Angeles was that tiring even before you take the jetlag into account, I'm almost glad I missed it!"

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “I much prefer the way this AngelCon ended, too!”

“…We’re still coming back tomorrow, you know?” Kayla reminds me. “And when you say ‘the way it ended’, do you mean the song, or, well, the anagram of ‘song’?”

“Both,” I reply, giving Kayla’s hand a gentle squeeze. “But probably the ‘anagram’ more, heh.”

“Yeah,” Kayla whispers. “I- I’m sorry if I got mad during the con, I just-“

“We- we can talk about it later,” I say. “Like you said, we’re both far too tired to discuss it now.”

“Okay,” Kayla whispers, relaxing back into her seat as the taxi drives the thirteen miles back to our flat.

Both of us are obviously more tired than we think, as the next thing I’m aware of is our taxi’s horn beeping, waking me up with a start to discover we’re already outside our home. After paying the driver (and making sure we also give him a generous tip), we head up the stairs to our flat, and within 10 minutes both of us have flopped into our beds, crucially without exchanging any words…

I’m woken the following morning by my phone’s alarm, though unlike yesterday, there’s no sound of singing coming from the living room- just the sound of gentle breathing coming from the bedroom across the hall.

“Kayla?” I ask, gently tapping on my girlfriend’s bedroom door. “Come on, it’s time to wake up, we need to be at the venue early.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m awake,” Kayla mumbles in reply, before letting out a loud, angry sigh. “Do you want the bathroom first?”

“No, you can have it if you want,” I reply. “Just one more day, then we finally get some time to ourselves, heh!”

“Yep!” Kayla replies with very obviously fake enthusiasm as she opens her bedroom door and gives me a gentle kiss en route to our bathroom. “Then just 364 days until the next one, heh.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “Still though, it should be awesome, Rome is an amazing place to visit, and not far from Positano…”

“What, are you suggesting we make next year’s AngelCon a working holiday?” Kayla asks.

“Well, with only two days of actual ‘working’,” I reply with a grin.

“Sounds like a great idea to me,” Kayla giggles. “Though let’s get our next holiday out of the way first before planning the one after, okay?” I bristle slightly at Kayla’s use of the phrase ‘out of the way’, though I am forced to concede that she does have a point.

“Better yet, let’s get AngelCon out of the way first!” I chuckle, though I flinch as the words leave my mouth- knowing Kayla’s love of fame as much I do, I wonder if she’ll respond to my use of ‘out of the way’ as much as I did hers…

“You took the words right out of my mouth!” Kayla giggles, before being drowned out by the noise of our shower. I smile as I head through to the kitchen to start breakfast- maybe I was just being paranoid about our relationship, maybe yesterday was a stress-induced ‘blip’ after all…

While I wait for my turn in the bathroom, I take the opportunity to scroll through my social media, looking for any feedback about yesterday. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of posts on Instagram, and not just selfies from the meet and greets, but photos of panels and shows, and a lot of videos of the fashion show finale- particularly of mine and Kayla’s kiss! Predictably, there are some trolls who have decided to be bigoted trolls and leave unflattering or outright abusive comments, but they are in a significant minority, and are quickly silenced by the many positive comments we’ve received, including many from friends- including some newer friends.

‘Planet Earth’s OTP,’ reads the post accompanying the video upload from none other than Keiran Barker, making me feel funny inside. Why the hell should his post make me feel tingly above everyone else's?

“Okay, all yours,” Kayla says, emerging from the bathroom with towels wrapped around her hair and her slender torso. “Are you looking at the Instagram posts from yesterday?”

“Umm, yep!” I reply with a grin as I hastily close Keiran’s Instagram profile. “There’s kind of a lot, obviously!”

“Good!” Kayla giggles. “Ahh… reckon we’re going to get a HUGE bonus from JB this year, hehe!”

“Yep!” I say. “Once things are back to normal, anyway.”

“Well, that’s true!” Kayla laughs. “I’ll book a taxi for 30 minutes, okay?”

“Sure,” I reply, smiling as I head into the shower, before letting out a long, frustrated sigh.

However, a short while later, I have my usual professional grin on my face as I head down to the taxi hand-in-hand with my girlfriend, trying to ignore the many photographers that record every step of our journey. Not long after that, we’re back at the O2 Arena, being escorted to the same backstage area where we were yesterday.

Unlike yesterday, Kayla and I arrive before our bandmates, and once we’ve been shown where everything is by our PA, we’re left alone, causing an awkward silence to fall over the two of us.

“…All we have to do is get through today,” I say, trying my hardest to stay calm. “Then we can get back to normal.”

“Yeah,” Kayla chuckles awkwardly.

“Because- because this, this- this isn’t normal,” I stammer. “It’s like- it’s like I can’t even talk to you anymore, I’m afraid that whatever I say will make you angry…”

“Do we- do we have to do this now?” Kayla asks. “Because, Steph, if you want to break up with me, there are-“

“Break up with you?” I interrupt. “What- what on Earth makes you think I want to do that?”

“I- I don’t know…” Kayla mumbles. “It’s just you- you’ve been different lately. I mean, I’M afraid that whatever I say will make YOU angry, and I- ugh.”

“…Kayla?” I ask.

“I’m worried that I- I might end up losing you,” Kayla mumbles, tears starting to stream down her cheeks. “I mean, you’ve got boys AND girls practically throwing themselves at you. I bet, if you wanted Kurt back, you could have him in a second. Same with this new Keiran guy, or whatever his name is.”

“Wha- seriously, people are NOT throwing themselves at me,” I snort. “I mean, they’re all afraid they’ll hit some ‘thing’ they don’t want to, if they did, well, ‘throw themselves’, if you know what I mean…”

“You might not see it, but I can’t help but see it,” Kayla says. “I- I know you’re not supposed to Google yourself, but I- I actually Google you. Regularly, in fact. And you- you are a sex symbol on a lot of sites, and I don’t just mean, like, ‘speciality’ sites, guys saying ‘she’s hot even for-‘ well, you know. A lot of people reckon you’re hot full stop.”

“…Well, they can think what they want, but it’s not them I’m bothered about,” I say. “I only care about you, really.”

“And- and I want to believe you,” Kayla sighs. “It’s just- it’s just that things have been so awkward lately, and not just because of AngelCon, though AngelCon’s, you know, made things worse… Every time I want to talk to you, you, like, deflect it, like in the taxi last night…”

“…Sometimes I do think that, you know, we’re not as compatible as we maybe should be,” I mumble, earning a sad frown from my girlfriend. “But we don’t have any say over who we love. And I do love you, Kayla. Only you. Not Kurt, not Keiran, no one else. Seriously. And that should be enough.”

“It should be,” Kayla sighs. “I think- I think we need to- ugh, I dunno. It just feels like- like-“

“Like we’ve gone backwards ever since we came out publicly?” I ask, smiling sympathetically as my girlfriend nods. “I know the feeling.” I bite my lip as I ponder my next question- I need to ask it, even if I might not like the answer... “Do you- do you want, umm, any, you know, time- time off…?”

“That’s the last thing I want,” Kayla whispers. “I just want- I just want things to go back to how they were, you know, when we first got together.”

“I want that too,” I confess. “But- well, I know a thing or two about ‘irreparable changes’, heh. Not long from now I- I might even have had, you know…”

“SRS?” Kayla asks, smiling as I nod. “I know. And I do want to help you get through that, Steph. Seriously. And- ugh. I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t change things between us, but- but mentally, you know? Emotionally… I don’t see how it would. You’ll still be a woman, just, you know, with- well…”

“Different parts?” I ask, smiling as Kayla nods, before sighing as we hear our bandmates outside. “This- this was a good talk. But I- I want you to know, Kayla, that kiss yesterday, it- it wasn’t for the cameras or the crowd, or anyone else. It was just for you.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that,” Kayla says with a grin that I share. “And we- we will talk some more about this, Steph. Tomorrow, or whenever. Once AngelCon is out of the way.” And there’s that phrase again, I think to myself with a grin. ‘Out of the way’.

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “Should we- should we tell Becca and Adeola?”

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” Kayla says. “And this way we can keep SOME private life, heh.”

“Yeah,” I whisper, before forcing a (admittedly mostly genuine) smile on my face as our bandmates enter and greet us with a tight hug each.

“Hey you two!” Becca giggles.

“You two show stealers!” Adeola teases, giggling as Kayla and I blush. “Seriously, you should’ve heard my uncle this morning, he was almost bouncing off the walls at all the publicity you two are getting! And, of course, publicity equals album sales!”

“And album sales make everyone with the surname ‘Benedict’ get even more hyped!” Becca says.

“And anyone with the surname ‘Milton’, ‘Ford’ and ‘Abbott’ too!” Kayla says. “Ahh… our next tour is going to be insane!”

“Yep!” Adeola giggles. “Uncle Joshua even says he might try to fit a mini tour in in November, we’re getting so much publicity!” I smile as my bandmate gives me the news, though there is one question I need to ask- even if I don’t want to ask it.

“And- and this publicity, it- it is all positive, right?” I ask.

“All of it that counts,” Adeola replies. “I mean, I’m no fan of cancel culture, but any newspaper or website or whatever that even dares to criticise anything LGBT for being LGBT, well, it deserves to have all of its sponsors vanish overnight. Like my uncle says- a lot- just because you’re free to say whatever you want doesn’t mean that everyone has to agree with you, or even listen to you, or that you shouldn’t have to, you know, face the consequences for what you say. And with what he went through when he first came to the UK, well, he should know. Best way to win is always to have the last laugh.”

“And us four are laughing all the way to the bank!” Becca says with a proud grin.

“Most importantly, though,” I say with a coy smile. “Have either of you seen our costumes for today yet?”

“Umm, no, we just got here!” Adeola replies with a chuckle. “You were already here before us, ain’t you seen them yet?”

“We’ve only been here a few minutes ourselves,” Kayla replies. “And we were, you know, just talking before you two showed up.”

“Don’t you two talk enough at home?” Becca teases, making both of us blush and smile as we gaze into each other’s eyes.

“Not as much as we should,” I whisper in reply.

We only have another couple of minutes to chat with each other before a PA arrives with our costumes for the day, which we eagerly change into. Like yesterday, we’ll be opening AngelCon with a medley of songs, but unlike yesterday, it’ll just be the four of us, and our costumes are very different from yesterday’s. Instead of a skirt and a crop top, our costume today is built around a long-sleeved leotard that’s covered in white tinsel and features large, feathered Angel wings and light-up halos. And of course, in my case, it includes a pair of white over-knee boots.

“It’s showtime, girls!” Becca announces with a proud grin as the lights in the arena darken and the four of us stride out on stage to deafening cheers.

“Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?” We sing in perfect harmony, to the obvious delight of the screaming crowd.
“Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth,
They say in heaven, love comes first,
We’ll make heaven a place on Earth,
Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth…”

A medley of songs follows, concluding with the entire audience joining us in singing ‘No More Lies’, by which point the entire arena is whipped into a frenzy- but the volume level still somehow increases when the four of us take our bows, and Kayla and I exchange a quick (but still intimate, despite the circumstances) kiss.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” the familiar voice of Mel Giedroyc, one of our emcees for the day, announces. “Give it up for Out of Heaven!” The four of us wave and blow kisses to the crowd before heading backstage, where we share an excited group hug.

“That’s it!” Becca cheers. “Just a couple more songs to go, and that’s our AngelCon 2019 done!”

“Ahh, almost wish it didn’t have to end, hehe!” Adeola giggles.

“Nah…” I say. “I’m gonna be happy when we can finally get some rest, heh!”

“Well, you’re going to be waiting a while,” Becca says, gesturing behind me to where our ‘boss’ for the weekend is approaching.

“Gorgeous as always, girlies!” Nikki giggles as she briefly joins in the group hug. “You’ve got 45 minutes to change, grab a drink or whatever, then you’re back on the meet and greet tables, I’m afraid!”

“Meh, we don’t mind,” Adeola shrugs. “It’s just being adored up close and personal instead of from a crowd, hehe!”

“Show off,” Nikki teases, before casting a glance toward myself and Kayla, and smiling as she sees the two of us linking fingers and flashing genuinely happy smiles, conveying a simple message- ‘we’re okay’. For now, at least…

Sure enough, 45 minutes later, the four of us are back in our casual (but still fashionable) everyday clothes and sat at the table where we were yesterday, smiling happily, but tiredly as we take selfie after selfie and sign autograph after autograph for our many fans. Thankfully, with Keiran having seen us yesterday, I’m confident that I’ll avoid any awkwardness today. Or rather, any awkwardness of that variety, as about 45 minutes into the claim, I see a couple approach our table who make me sigh with embarrassment.

“Can we get a selfie with our famous daughter?” My father asks, making me groan and blush as my bandmates all have a good-natured laugh at my expense.

“Oh come on,” mum pleads, her grin just as smug as my father’s. “We paid good money to see you today…” I sigh and force a smile on my face as I pose for the photo with my parents, both of whom I’m fairly certain have never before taken a selfie in their lives.

“And you were brilliant on stage, as always,” dad says. “All four of you were.”

“Thank you, Mr. Abbott!” Becca says in a teasing voice as my cheeks go an even deeper shade of red.

“Why are you even here?” I ask. “Don’t you have work today?”

“Well, I’ve been cutting back on my hours," dad replies. "I mean, I did turn sixty at the start of the month, and I've got a granddaughter who needs spoiling, and another one on the way soon too!" I smile at the thought of how I'll soon have another nephew or niece, thanks to Tom and his fiancée- though with how busy I've been lately, I've barely even had the chance to think about the good news.

“Well, you certainly don't look sixty!” Adeola says, widening my father’s grin.

“You creep,” I snort at my dark-skinned bandmate, who giggles evilly.

“Thank you, Adeola!” Dad chuckles. “And would our daughter please sign this poster we bought?”

“If you eBay this, I’m disowning you,” I grumble, earning laughs from my bandmates and my parents as I pass the poster down for the other girls to sign.

“Aww, I think it’s cute!” Kayla teases me, before her face falls as she sees who’s next in the queue.

“I’m glad you think so!” Gary (Kayla’s father) says with a grin just as smug as my own father’s- not to mention the smile that slowly spreads across my face as my girlfriend cringes.

“Can we have a selfie too, please?” Charlene (Kayla’s mother) asks, smirking as her daughter sighs and complies with the request.

“What have you two got planned for after the show?” Gary asks. “You finish at what, 5pm today, don’t you?”

“Around then, yeah,” Kayla replies. “We’re probably just going to go home and flop on the sofa, heh.”

“Peter, Samantha and the two of us are going out for a meal after the convention’s over,” Gary explains. “You’re welcome to join us, if you want.”

“If your reputations can take being seen out and about with your parents, anyway?” Charlene teases, laughing as Kayla and I look at each other with tired looks in our eyes. “Or do you have some big, fancy, celebrity-only afterparty?”

“…No, we don’t mind going to dinner with you guys,” I say, rolling my eyes again as our bandmates giggle at our expense.

“Excellent!” Gary chuckles. “It’s a date, then!”

“If you insist,” Kayla sighs, before we both breathe a sigh of relief as our parents move on.

“D’aww,” Adeola teases the two of us. “Come on, you have to admit that was cute?”

“I admit nothing,” Kayla sighs. “Though… It HAS been a while since I last saw them, heh."

“Same here,” I say. “Even longer since I last saw Tom and Amanda- and most importantly, my niece, heh! Well, at least we’ll get the chance to catch up in the next few days, heh!”

“Mmm,” Becca says with a warm smile. “I’m looking forward to seeing my niece and my nephews again too, heh.”

“Like my aunt would say: I think someone’s getting broody…” Adeola teases her BFF, who responds by giving her a quick shove.

“Shut up!” Becca chuckles. “Can I at least get married first? My dad would probably kill me if I got pregnant out of wedlock…”

“As long as you hurry up with that,” Adeola says with a smug grin. “Some of us are waiting in a queue…”

“Umm, speaking of that,” Kayla says, making my tension levels rise again before I realise she’s talking about the ever-growing queue of fans waiting at our table.

“Hi, sorry for the wait, hehe!” Becca giggles as she gestures to the next fan, a ginger-haired girl in her late teens, forward toward the table. “What’s your name?”

“I- I’m Susie, Susie Parker!” The girl replies in a north-eastern accent that gives away how nervous she is to meet the four of us.

“Nice to meet you, Susie!” Becca says as we pose for a selfie with the young woman, with me immediately worrying about tonight’s meal with my parents- and praying that ‘marriage’ doesn’t get added onto our list of anxieties…

The rest of the day passes by quickly- none of the band are in any panels today, so aside from an hour’s lunch, we spend the day meeting and greeting our fans until the queue eventually dwindles just after 4pm. We take that as our cue to head back to the changing room and change into our final costumes for the weekend.

The costume isn’t as fancy (or as revealing) as some of the things we’ve worn over the last two days, but it’s still very sexy and feminine. My costume is a short, clingy dress in red that's covered in sequins and shimmers under the lights of the arena- though not nearly as much as my sequin-covered red boots do, especially with all the dancing we do during our eight-song set!

“Thank you London!” Becca yells into her microphone as the music comes to an end and the crowd screams in appreciation. “We love you all!”

“See you all next year in Rome!” Adeola yells, the noise not diminishing as the four of us head backstage, where we all let out excited, but tired giggles before sharing a tight group hug.

“And we are officially done!” Becca announces, to which we all cheer in agreement.

“So, Kayla, how’d you like your first ever AngelCon?” Adeola asks.

“It was AMAZING!” Kayla gushes. “I mean, I’d happily do the whole thing again tomorrow if I could!”

“I’m not sure I could!” I chuckle. And you said yesterday you couldn’t wait for AngelCon to be over, I think to myself- though I decide to keep this thought to myself for obvious reasons.

“Well, we’ve definitely earned some time off,” Becca says as she leads us back to the dressing room. “I am going to sleep until March, hehe!”

“I know the feeling,” I say.

“Oh, I’m sure your folks will love you dozing off during your triple date!” Adeola teases, making me roll my eyes as I remember the commitment I made earlier today.

“Hardly a ‘triple date’,” Kayla mumbles.

“Oh come on,” Adeola laughs. “Three couples going out for dinner together’s a triple date, innit?”

“It definitely sounds like one to me!” Becca chuckles. “Kinda jealous, too, you two choosing your parents instead of us for your first proper triple date!”

“Yes, yes, okay,” Kayla sighs, before letting out a tired chuckle. “And it’s not like you two haven’t been out with either of your fellas’ parents, is it?”

“Touché,” Becca giggles as we head back to the dressing room, where we all let out happy sighs as we exchange our stage costumes for our comfortable casual clothes.

Kayla and I let out probably our loudest sigh of the weekend, though, once we’re sat in the back of the taxi on our way back to our home.

“That… was insane,” Kayla laughs. “I mean, we’ve done plenty of tours before, but that was probably the most intense few days ever, even more than Strictly!”

“So… you wouldn’t do it all again tomorrow, then?” I ask, hoping my teasing comes across as playful and not too accusatory.

“…Okay, maybe not,” Kayla chuckles. “It’s going to be weird, you know? Getting back to normal? I mean, yes, AngelCon itself was just two days, but with the build-up and everything…”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say. “I just- ugh, I dunno. I’m looking forward to doing absolutely nothing tomorrow, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kayla chuckles, though I know there’s something she isn’t telling me, and I’m pretty sure I can guess what.

As much as I love fame and fortune, it’s a well-established fact that Kayla loves it more. The main reason I auditioned for the band was to prove that I could successfully be 'Stephanie' for however short a time. The reason I remained with the band- initially, anyway- was to prove that I could be 'Stephanie' indefinitely. And while I certainly don’t miss hurriedly changing in the disabled toilets of fast food restaurants and panicking that I’d be ‘clocked’, things were in some ways much simpler back then, just as they were simpler back when Kayla and I were hiding our relationship from the public.

As silly as it might sound, when we weren’t public with our relationship, it was at least something that Kayla and I could share, like an intimate secret between the two of us, with the consequences the same for both of us should we ever be found out. Ever since being out in the open, though… Once again, it’s no secret that Kayla craves the limelight. She’s been a national celebrity for literally her entire adult life, she gets excited by every new follower she gets on Instagram or Twitter and is never happier than when she’s on stage in front of an adoring crowd. The additional publicity we got from our public coming out should’ve strengthened our relationship, but it seems to have had the opposite effect- and the stress of having to keep our relationship private has been replaced by the stress of knowing that if our relationship doesn’t work out, the band is doomed.

However, what hasn’t changed since we came out is our love for each other, and our friends' and family’s love for us. Everyone I know is rooting for us, wanting the relationship to succeed and most importantly of all, wanting us to be happy. And that’s all I want for us, too- to be happy together. If only it were that simple…

When we arrive home, we waste little time in touching up our make-up before changing from our casual clothes into something a bit more stylish for our meal. Even though we’re only going out with our parents, we still need to keep up appearances- we are in the public eye, of course. At least my parents don’t mind the extra attention, I think to myself as I rummage through my wardrobe for an outfit I’ve not worn in a while.

I eventually settle on a dress I bought a while back but was saving for a special occasion. Obviously, it's red, but has a sleeveless fitted bodice and a playful flared skirt, and goes well with the strappy sandals I attach to my feet (it's far too hot for boots today, and I've worn just about enough this weekend already!).

“Wow,” I hear my girlfriend breathe as I close my bedroom door behind me. “Just- seriously, Steph, you look stunning, you really do.”

“Thanks,” I say with a coy smile as I do a slow twirl, giggling at the feel of the dress swishing about my thighs. “You look gorgeous too.”

“Thanks,” Kayla says, posing to show off her long, slender light blue dress and high-heeled sandals.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask, grabbing my handbag, only to pause when Kayla grimaces. I only barely suppress an eye roll before turning around to face my girlfriend, who’s fidgeting nervously. “…What’s up?”

“Why- why don’t we eat here?” Kayla asks. “It's not like our parents have reserved a table anywhere, and it’d be quieter, ‘cause there’s bound to be loads of fans still in London, and I don’t want them getting pestered, and-“

“…And?” I ask, curious about and a little concerned by Kayla’s sudden change in attitude.

“…It wouldn’t be fair on you, either,” Kayla says, smiling sweetly at me and causing my eyes to well with tears. “I mean, like you said, we’re both KNACKERED, you must just want to flop on the sofa, play on the Switch, so- so let’s do that. Well get food delivered, catch up with our parents and- Steph? Are- are you okay?” I bite my lip to try to calm myself and stem the flow of tears that are now freely flowing from my eyes.

“I- I really sometimes think that I don’t deserve you,” I say softly, earning a frown from my girlfriend before she comes over to give me a long, tight hug that I happily reciprocate.

“Believe me, you do,” Kayla whispers. “Steph, I- you know it hasn't been easy for me too, right? I mean, every homophobic comment that you get, it- it affects me too."

"Sorry," I mumble, wincing as Kayla frowns at me.

"I wasn't fishing for sympathy," my girlfriend reassures me. "But rather to say that- that I now know- well, I have a taste of what it must've been like for you these last four years. People telling you that you can't be the woman you so obviously are... Now a lot of those people are telling us that we can't have the love we so obviously have. But you kept going, just as we'll keep going. Together."

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“You don’t need to thank me either,” Kayla says. “I LOVE you, Steph. Believe me.”

“I do,” I say. “I- I’m sorry.”

“Ugh, seriously, enough apologising already!” Kayla says in a half-sigh, half-laugh. “I think we’ve both had too much on our plate lately. I guess we can add ‘the weight of the world on our shoulders’ to what I said earlier, heh.”

“September can’t come soon enough,” I chuckle. “…Though we have, you know…”

“We have… what?” Kayla asks.

“…Got dressed up for a meal out,” I say, grinning widely as Kayla bends almost double with giggles.

“Oh, sure,” Kayla says with a snort of laughter. “Like we need an excuse to get dressed up?”

“Touché,” I giggle as I drop my handbag on the sofa and get out my phone, hastily composing a text message for both my parents and Kayla’s.

A short while later, the six of us are sat around our kitchen table, tucking into a delicious Vietnamese buffet and finally unwinding after our long weekend.

“As a nurse, I shouldn’t really encourage eating fast food like this,” mum chuckles. “Though I think our girls have earned a treat after this weekend!”

“Agreed!” Gary laughs as Kayla and I blush. “Definitely one for the scrapbook, this!”

“You keep a scrapbook too?” Dad asks as I feel my cheeks reddening even more.

“Well, it WAS a scrapbook,” Charlene chuckles. “After Strictly last year, it became more like a scrap filing cabinet!”

“Mum…” Kayla meekly mumbles.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” my mother chastises both of us. “No one forced you two to be rich and famous, did they?” Well… true, I think to myself.

“Though you certainly aren’t, well, ‘celebrity-like’,” Gary says. “Not in your attitude, I mean. Because you did this big concert yesterday and today, but on Friday, you said you’ll be singing at a high school prom?”

“Well, not just ANY prom,” I say. “The girl I’ll be singing for is another one who would have the tattoo if she was old enough.”

“Just as long as you save enough of your voices for your brother’s birthday a week today!” Mum chuckles.

“Ooh, is that Daniel or Tom’s birthday?” Charlene asks, making me smile at how well Kayla's parents know my brothers- something they don't need to do, but do anyway out of love for me and their daughter.

“Danny,” dad replies. “The big three-oh, heh. Just lucky that me and him have our 'big' birthdays the same month, heh!"

“And at some point he’ll finally marry that girlfriend of his,” mum interjects as Kayla and I start to fidget. “Tom too, though he finally has a date set!"

“Okay, think we could do with changing the subject,” I announce, earning chuckles from our parents.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be pestering you for oh, at least another few weeks,” Gary chuckles. “Even if, unlike Pete and Sam, we don’t have any other kids to fuss over…”

“Did you never want any other children?” My father asks.

“…We thought about it,” Charlene replies quietly.

“But we had our hands full enough with just one!” Gary chuckles, his laughter only getting louder as Kayla groans in frustration.

“Seriously, I have no problem eating my dinner in my bedroom,” Kayla growls.

“Which wouldn’t be the first time, would it?” Charlene teases her daughter. “In all seriousness, though, it does feel now like we have two daughters.”

“I know the feeling,” mum says with a happy sigh. “And- and I mean NO offence by this, Stephanie, but- but I- I wish we’d had more experience with, well, actually raising a girl, if you know what I mean.”

“…No offence taken,” I say- it’s far from the first time my parents and I have had this discussion, and while it is the first time my parents have said it in front of other people, there’s no one I can trust more than Kayla and her parents. “I mean, every transgender person has different experiences, but one thing most of us have in common is, well, things would’ve been a lot easier if we’d been born as- well, you know, our REAL gender.”

“I’ve read somewhere that it’d be even easier if there no was no concept of gender at all,” Gary says, making me smile- there’s no reason he’d need to read up on that topic other than to support me.

“I’m not so sure,” Kayla says with a sly smirk. “No gender means no girls. No girls means no girl bands, and I’d rather not have to do a REAL job for a living, hehe!”

“Which WOULD be the first time,” Charlene teases, totally wiping the smirk off of her daughter’s face. “But you know I’m just teasing, you girls do work very hard, and this weekend just gone is proof of that.”

“Indeed,” dad says.

“It’s hardly life or death work, though,” I mumble. “Not like the work you do.”

“Well, you could look at it this way,” dad muses. “I keep people alive. You help people feel more alive. Good music can actually help people feel less ill, not just mentally but physically as well. I’ve seen it happen.”

“I don’t want to think about a world without music,” Gary says, before chuckling. “Heh, didn’t a guy from Liverpool write a song about that about fifty years ago?”

“We are NOT covering Imagine,” Kayla insists. “We’d probably be lynched!”

“Especially as the song includes the line ‘brotherhood of man’,” I say. “Which is kinda incompatible with the line ‘imagine there’s no gender’. Though in fairness, if he was alive today, I reckon John Lennon would probably be an ally of the LGBT community.”

“He’d probably take more flak for not being an ally than when he said the Beatles were ‘bigger than Jesus’,” Gary muses. “Though- though I don’t mean anything negative by that, I mean, well, the default stance SHOULD be to be supportive, you know, and not criticising people for something that’s none of your business.”

“Yeah, well, if only everybody was that open-minded,” Kayla sighs, bringing an awkward silence to the table.

“…Anyway,” dad says. “All that matters is that you two are in love, and damn what everyone else says, right?”

“That’s always been our take on it!” I chuckle, even as I try (and fail) to suppress a sigh.

“…Steph?” Dad asks. “Is- is everything alright?”

“Well…” I say, glancing at Kayla and seeing the tiredness in her eyes. “We- umm…”

“We’ve been arguing a lot lately,” Kayla sighs. “Like, a lot. Even at AngelCon, we- ugh, yep.”

“…Your friends did say something, actually,” mum mumbles. “Before we left, they- well, they came to see us, explained that the two of you…”

“Oh, we- we still love each other,” I insist, gripping Kayla’s hand as a show of solidarity. “It’s just, well…”

“We- we’ve been feeling the pressure lately,” Kayla says. “When it was just a few people who knew, friends and family, well, it was- it was easier, if that makes any sense.”

“I think I do,” Charlene says softly. “Now that everyone knows, you feel like you have a responsibility to them to make the relationship work?”

“…Something like that,” I mumble.

“Have you talked to anyone about this?” Mum asks.

“You’re the first,” I reply, leading to a brief pause that’s broken by simultaneous sighs from Kayla and myself.

“Yes, yes, we know…” Kayla sighs.

“You still had to be reminded of it though, didn’t you?” Gary asks, smiling supportive as his daughter blushes and nods.

“When are you next seeing Doctor Phillips?” Mum asks.

“Tomorrow,” I reply. “…Maybe we should both go…”

“There’s no shame in asking for help if you need it,” dad says. “Your mother and I have even asked for help in the past.”

“Wha- really?” I ask. Mum and dad have been married for over thirty-five years and have always been happy for as long as I can remember, so the thought of them arguing is inconceivable…

“Shortly after Danny was born,” dad says. “In 1989 paternity leave simply wasn’t a thing, and I was working long hours and all manner of different shifts… Yeah. We both got pretty stressed out and, well, we- we asked for help, someone to talk to, that sort of thing.”

“And it’s a good job we did, too,” mum says. “If we didn’t, you might not have been born.”

“Oh- for god’s sake,” I mumble as tears start to trickle down my cheek, which are only stopped when my mother gets out of her chair to give me a long, tight hug.

“Just because you think you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, it doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to help from others,” dad advises. “Talk to your counsellor, explain the situation together and get the help you need. Because what you two have is far too precious to simply throw away.”

“…Thanks,” Kayla whispers, before laughing as she gets a hug of her own from my mother.

“…Still not in any mood to talk about politics, then?” Gary asks, before laughing as he’s greeted by five loud jeers in reply.

Our parents stay for another 45 minutes before heading home, as Kayla’s parents want to get back to Southampton before dark. Kayla and I clear away the plates and the leftovers in silence as we contemplate our parents’ advice. It’s only once we’re sat on the couch together watching YouTube videos of AngelCon that I dare to broach the subject.

“So, umm,” I mumble. “Are- do you have any plans, umm, tomorrow, for-“

“No,” Kayla interrupts with a soft, tired smile. “And yes, I will go with you to see Doctor Phillips. Much as I hate to admit it, our parents do have a point.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “Kayla, are you- are you happy?”

“…What, in general?” Kayla replies, before shrugging. “I mean, I guess I am.” That’s a less certain answer than I’d hoped to hear, I think to myself as my stomach starts to churn.

“Would you…” I start before pausing, thinking how I want to finish my sentence.

‘Would you be happier with someone else’ is the million-pound question here, and it’s the question I dare not ask, for fear that Kayla might say ‘yes’. It’s also the question I dare not ask myself, either- as much as I love Kayla, I can’t afford the stress caused by our arguments. Stress has seen me stay in a psychiatric hospital before, and while that ended up being an overall positive experience for me, it's one I don't care to repeat anytime soon, or ever. Even though it may well be that I’d be happier by myself, or with someone else- someone like Keiran…

“…Would I what?” Kayla asks.

“Would you have- have preferred to go out to a restaurant for dinner?” I ask, silently kicking myself for chickening out of asking ‘the’ question.

“Oh- OH,” Kayla says, visibly confused by my question, almost like she was expecting me to ask something else. And in fairness, so did I…

“Yeah,” I mumble.

“Well, I mean I- well, if I was alone, maybe,” Kayla mumbles. “But it wouldn’t be fair on our parents, and it- it wouldn’t be fair on you, either.”

“Oh- umm, okay…” I say.

“Steph, I was the one who suggested we eat here, remember?” Kayla asks. “We're both simply knackered. And I'll say it again, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I forced you out when you’re tired just so we can take a few selfies with fans?” I bite my lip to stop tears from forming in my eyes as I’m reminded just why I fell in love with Kayla in the first place. Sure, she loves fame- big deal, so do I, for the most part- but deep down inside, she’s a sweet, sensitive woman with a heart thousands of times bigger than her petite frame- a heart she’s unhesitatingly given to me. And I repay that with doubt and distrust… What kind of girlfriend does that make me?

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” I say. “I really don’t deserve you.”

“Oh be quiet,” Kayla chuckles as she snuggles into me, her happy, contented sigh telling me that there’s nowhere else she’d rather be right now- a feeling I unreservedly share. I just wish I could stop being so paranoid- not just about Kayla, but about myself, too…

“…So, a pretty busy weekend all around,” I say the following morning, my counsellor nodding as Kayla and I grip each other’s hands for support. “We’re both definitely looking forward to some downtime.”

“I can’t say I blame you,” Dr Phillips says with a supportive smile. “And I can’t fault you for feeling frazzled, either- both professionally and personally. Even the strongest relationships require work, and with all the distractions you two have in your lives, some conflict is inevitable. What’s important is that you don’t dwell on the conflicts, and remember what it was that brought the two of you together in the first place.”

“Well- yeah,” I say with a sigh.

“Ultimately, I can’t advise whether you two should remain together or split up,” Dr Phillips says. “Only you two can make that decision. All I can say is that the stress you feel at times is valid, and there’s no magic wand you can wave to make it go away, but you will find it much easier to deal with if you deal with it together, as a couple. It’s up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the occasional stress.”

“It is,” Kayla says defiantly, flashing me a supportive smile.

“It is,” I say in a voice barely louder than a whisper, even as inside I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to go on like this, and by ‘this’ I don’t just mean as Kayla’s girlfriend, but as part of Out of Heaven, or as a celebrity- or even, I muse as I fiddle with the SRS pamphlet Dr Phillips gave me, as a woman…