“Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time…” The sound of singing comes from our living room, waking me from my dreamless slumber. However, it’s not Freddie Mercury’s flawless vocals that have woken me up, but rather, those of my girlfriend. “I feel light…”

“And the world,” I join in, earning a giggle from Kayla. “Is turning inside out…”
“And floating around,” we sing in perfect harmony. “In ecstasy, so
Don’t stop me now…
Don’t stop me, ‘cause I’m having a good time, having a good time!”

Kayla and I harmonise together for the rest of the song, which is made a lot harder by how much we're giggling, meaning that when the song ends, both of us need to flop down onto the sofa to recover!

“Thanks for choosing, like, the most energetic song possible,” I chuckle as I get my breath back.

“Are- are you okay?” Kayla asks with clear concern in her voice. “’Cause, like, I figured that you-“

“I’m okay, honestly,” I interrupt. “Just- just, you know, tired. My chest has been feeling better over the last few weeks.” I smile to try to convince my girlfriend of my sincerity, but it’s clear that she’s not convinced- and to be honest, neither am I.

Over the last few months, I’ve been diligent in the exercises given to me by my doctors, and gradually, I’ve felt my strength start to return. A single dance routine to one of our songs still leaves me out of breath, but Krystie and Zoe have put together some (for want of a better word) gentler ballet exercises to help my body get used to moving again. However, even these dances have left me feeling tired and stiff by the end of them. I do appreciate, though, that recovery won’t be an overnight thing, and I am immensely grateful to my friends for their help, even if they did tease me for showing up for the Zoom call in a pair of pink tights and a black leotard for the first time in over a year.

What didn’t help- though I’m sure they didn’t mean to stress me out- was when Krystie and Zoe mentioned that the exercises were similar to the ones they created for Jamie and Nikki after their respective SRS operations. While the continued chaos caused by the pandemic means that I can put any discussion of SRS on the back burner effectively indefinitely, the fact is that it’s still there in the background, causing me stress every time it crossed my mind. And, obviously, I can’t distract myself with work, like I used to before.

Fortunately, though, I do still have Kayla, who’s been there for me just as much as I’ve been there for her over these last few months. 4 weeks ago today was Christmas Day, which was the first one either of us had ever spent away from our families. However, despite the isolation, neither of us felt alone. We had numerous video calls throughout the day (especially with my niece and both of my new nephews), gifts from all of our friends had been dropped off (while maintaining social distancing, of course) throughout the week before, but most of all, we had each other. We spent all of the morning snuggled up on the sofa and didn’t even change out of our pyjamas until after the Queen’s speech. Rather than eat a big turkey dinner, we instead had a smaller chicken dinner for Christmas (we’re still on strict food plans despite not touring in almost a year), and we were both in bed mere seconds after Mrs. Brown’s Boys ended, snuggled up in the same warm flannel pyjamas we’d worn during the earlier part of the day. As we snuggled under the warm blankets, we had no thoughts of sex in our minds- we just wanted to spend as much time as possible in each other’s company, even after months cooped up together in the same flat.

And that feeling hasn’t changed in the weeks since Christmas, even if I have had more than a few ‘rude awakenings’. Not that I’m complaining, of course- my girlfriend’s voice is one of, if not THE most beautiful voice in the whole of the UK, if not the world. Even if I am still tired and wondering when Kayla became a morning person...

“It’s still a little early for Queen though, isn’t it?” I ask as I head through to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. “Hell, it’s a little early for YOU, isn’t it?”

“…It’s 9:45, Steph,” Kayla says, making me grimace as I glance at my phone to confirm the time. “How- how late were you up last night?”

“…11pm,” I mumble. “I really need to start setting my alarm, heh. Unless you fancy covering ‘Wake Up Boo’ tomorrow?”

“Wait a sec,” Kayla says as a smug grin starts to spread across her face. “You’re telling me you’ll actually NEED to be woken up early tomorrow?” Despite the teasing, I can’t help but giggle bashfully- she has a point, after all.

“Maybe not,” I reply, sharing an excited giggle with my girlfriend as we think ahead to tomorrow- which just so happens to be the 25th anniversary of my birth. Of course, we won’t be able to have an ‘actual’ party- which is frustrating, as it’s a significant birthday- but we will be having a ‘Zoom party’, and there will of course be cake, wine, presents, and best of all, getting dressed up in a fancy outfit!

“And to answer your inevitable next question: yes, Nikki’s said she’ll be dropping off the last of your gifts later today,” Kayla says. “I’ve arranged it for when you’ll be in your room talking to Joshua, hehe!”

“Naturally,” I say with an overdramatic sigh, before giggling and exchanging a gentle kiss with my girlfriend. “I take it you’ve already had breakfast, then?”

“Yep, but I wouldn’t say no if you’re making more,” Kayla says with a sickly-sweet grin. “I WILL be making breakfast- in bed- for you tomorrow, after all…”

“Yes, yes, okay,” I giggle as I put four slices of bread into our toaster.

“And yes, I will be using the Peloton later,” Kayla says.

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” I say with a sickly-sweet grin of my own, which makes my girlfriend giggle and roll her eyes. “I’m going to want to use it myself later, too.”

“You sure?” Kayla asks, the concern returning to her face.

“I’ll be fine,” I reassure my girlfriend. “The doctor says I should start doing more light exercise. And I do mean ‘light’ exercise, I’m not going to be doing any major mountain passes or anything. Also, I got a new pair of cycling shorts for Christmas that I haven’t ‘test ridden’ yet, heh.”

“I thought you were going to say it’s been a while since you wore the costume we wore in the video for ‘Get Going’,” Kayla teases.

“Well, that’s also true,” I reply with a smirk as I remember the aerobics-themed music video we recorded back in 2018. “Though I don’t know how ANYONE in the eighties was able to exercise in thick, shiny tights and a thong leotard that’s two sizes too small without coming out in a sweat rash everywhere.”

“To be fair, they didn’t spend five straight hours under bright studio lights,” Kayla retorts. “And I was kinda hinting that I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of you squeezing yourself into a pair of thick, shiny tights and a thong leotard that two sizes too small…”

“YOUR birthday was back in October,” I retort, making my girlfriend stick her tongue out at me even as I make a mental note to look for the costume later. “You’re done practising, then?”

“For now,” Kayla replies as she munches on her toast. “I want to do a bit more work on ‘Not So Gentle’ later today, probably while you’re talking with JB.” I bite my lip as Kayla’s voice trails off into a mumble, even though this topic is something we’ve discussed many times before. ‘Not So Gentle’ is a song that Kayla wrote herself, but not for the band- rather, for a solo album that she started work on during the band’s first hiatus, and the mention of the song (and by implication, the album and thusly the hiatus) just serves as a reminder of WHY we were on hiatus in the first place.

“Are you ready to record it with Stuart yet?” I ask, hoping to put my feelings of awkwardness to the back of my mind.

“Nah, I want to wait until I can do it in a proper recording studio first,” Kayla replies. She’s taking her solo album a lot more seriously than the occasional duet we’ve uploaded to YouTube over lockdown, then… “I think he’s busy all today with his band, too. They may be rehearsing a song ahead of a, ahem, ‘private concert’ tomorrow…” Despite my anxiousness, this puts the grin back on my face- Stuart’s band, The Celestials, have also uploaded ‘recording sessions’ to YouTube and have had a lot of good feedback for their good musicality and, arguably more importantly, the fun they’re obviously having. Their numbers aren’t as good as ours, of course, but the important thing is that they’re having fun and earning some money while doing so. Though again, it's not as much money as we're making!

“Hopefully they’re not skipping on rehearsal time, then,” I say, earning a giggle from my girlfriend.

“Well, the drummer will be, as we’ve both got to call him later today,” Kayla reminds me with a chuckle. “Are you- are you going to go back to bed? Catch up on a little more sleep?”

“Nah,” I say with a shrug. “I’m awake now, might as well stay up, try to do some, like, exercises, sort of thing.”

“If you want to serenade me, I wouldn’t say no…” Kayla teases, making us both giggle.

“Well… maybe after breakfast, hehe!” I retort, sharing a gentle kiss with my girlfriend before finishing my breakfast and heading through to the bathroom to get ready for the day ahead.

Even though I won’t be going anywhere today- like most days over the last ten months- I still apply a light layer of make-up- just some foundation, mascara, eyeliner and lipstick- before changing into my outfit for the day ahead. Rather than the casual leggings and sweatshirts that I’ve been practically cocooned in all winter, as I have a proper business 'meeting' today, I step into a fashionable dark grey long-sleeved bodysuit with a button-up front, a pair of warm, thick tights in a similar colour and a cute black skater skirt. As I stare at myself in my bedroom mirror, I can’t help but smile at how effortlessly girly I look. After six years- most of which was spent consuming hefty amounts of oestrogen- I would be concerned if I didn’t look as feminine as I do, but every glance at myself in a mirror is a reminder that no matter how I started, and no matter what else life might try to throw at me, I am and always will be ‘Stephanie’. Kayla’s reaction when I return to the living room is all the confirmation I need of that.

“Hubba hubba Miss Abbott!” Kayla teases, giggling and giving me a kiss as I sit down next to her on the sofa.

“Thank you,” I say smugly as I smooth my skirt over my lap and cross my legs. “Thought I should make a bit of an extra effort if I’m talking to the boss later. Plus, it never hurts to feel EXTRA girly sometimes, hehe!”

“You are ‘extra girly’ ALL of the time,” Kayla says, giggling again as my grin grows even smugger. “Even if you are wearing school tights.”

“They are not ‘school tights’!” I protest as Kayla’s giggles louden. “I got them from that online store Nikki recommended. They’re really soft too, as they’re cotton.” I smirk as I stick my leg out, which Kayla gently (but eagerly) strokes.

“Mmm, VERY soft,” Kayla giggles. “Kinda like the tights I wore to school every day, heh.”

“Just means I’m making up for lost time,” I retort, earning another giggle from my girlfriend as she playfully shoves my leg away, while I muse on how lucky I am to even have a girlfriend with whom I can compare tights of all things. “Not that the three full wardrobes I have haven’t already done THAT, heh.”

“I was about to say,” Kayla chuckles. “D’you want to watch anything on TV, or do you mind if I get in a bit of Xbox time?”

“Nah, be my guest,” I say with a grin. “I still feel bad for turning you into a gaming couch potato, heh.”

“Trust me, if you hadn’t, covid definitely would have,” Kayla snorts. “And I’ve gained a grand total of 4 pounds from this time last year. Which, yes, before you say it, is about a 50% increase in my bodyweight, heh.”

“Wasn’t going to say anything,” I say with a smug grin as Kayla whiles away the next few hours driving around a virtual recreation of the UK, while I divide my attention between the TV, my phone and preparing for my upcoming meeting.

Eventually, the time comes for me to excuse myself, and after touching up my make-up and giving my hair a quick brush, I head into my bedroom, switch on my laptop and open up Zoom. Moments later, a call request comes through, and I grin as the large, smiling face of the agency’s owner appears on screen.

“Stephanie!” Joshua says in his usual ebullient voice. “I hope that I am not interrupting any pre-birthday celebrations?”

“No, not yet,” I reply, smirking as my boss lets out a booming laugh. "Has Jonathan got you doing his errands for today, then?"

"He is busy preparing for tomorrow!" Joshua replies with another loud laugh as I blush. "In these circumstances I am happy to 'pick up the slack'. Where is your beautiful girlfriend and her beautiful voice? Practising, I hope?"

"She definitely was when she woke me up this morning," I reply, earning yet another laugh. "I think she's doing more party prep, I know Nikki’s coming round in a bit too with more presents.”

“Good,” Joshua chuckles. “And are you looking forward to turning twenty-five?”

“I guess,” I reply. “It’s weird to think that I’ll be closer to thirty than I am to twenty, heh.”

“Try being within a few weeks of turning sixty!” Joshua says with another booming laugh. “But this call is not about me. How are you feeling, Stephanie?”

“…A little better, I guess,” I reply. “I wouldn’t say 100%, but I am feeling a little stronger every day. And yes, I am keeping up with my vocal exercises as well, and the exercises Krystie and Zoe have prepared for me.”

“That’s good,” Joshua asked. “Though as the band is unlikely to be back in the studio or to record a video in the near future, let alone touring, what I am most concerned about is how YOU are.”

“…’Concerned’?” I ask.

“’Concerned’ as in ‘your welfare is important’,” Joshua clarifies. “Both in a business sense and a personal sense. The company has invested a lot of money in you over the last six years, and while Out of Heaven has very much been a profitable endeavour over those six years, over the last twelve months- for obvious reasons- that has not been the case.”

“But if you had someone fit and healthy in the band, you’d be able to make more money,” I say, immediately fretting over where the conversation despite Joshua- and, more importantly, Kayla, Becca and Adeola’s- insistence that the band is either all four of us or none of us.

“The businessman inside me says yes,” Joshua says. “But the people person inside me knows that simply wouldn’t be the case. And it has been made very clear to me that I cannot change the line-up of Out of Heaven, nor would I ever want to.”

“Even despite the rumours that have been going round about the Angels?” I ask.

“Rumours are rumours,” Joshua says with a shrug. “Let me worry about the Angels. But my point is… Put it this way. You earn a slice of the pie every time an Out of Heaven CD is bought, or a song is streamed. That will never change. But right now, Becca, Adeola and Kayla are all working on solo projects, projects they started during the band’s first hiatus. And while nothing official has been announced, to all intents and purposes, the band is on another hiatus at this time.”

“And I should think about how I’m going to make money for myself as well as the agency?” I ask, sighing as my boss nods.

“If you need help, I can always get Stuart to lend you a hand,” Joshua says. “He wrote more than half of Out of Heaven’s original songs, he knows your vocal style and range, I’m sure he’d be happy to-“

“Th- thanks,” I interrupt. “I have thought about it, but- yeah. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have the time, but maybe it’s just a talent deficit, I dunno. I- heh. Even after all this time, part of me still feels like I don’t belong in the band, that I’m the ‘weak link’. And not just ‘cause of the ‘obvious thing’, and god knows the number of transphobic morons seems to be rising on a daily basis lately.”

“Well, again, that’s something for the agency to worry about,” Joshua says softly. “Moron hunting is part of why we have a social media team in the first place. But let me assure you, Stephanie, you were hired to be in the band because of your singing skill. If you couldn’t sing, then- well, I assume you’ve watched enough early-season episodes of the X Factor, right?”

“Well- yeah, I guess,” I reply. “I- I dunno. I mean, I do still love singing, obviously.”

“I’m glad,” Joshua says with his trademark wide grin. “There is nothing more frustrating as an agent than talent who resent their talent.”

“How about talent who aren't currently able to make money from their talent?” I ask, earning another loud laugh from my boss.

“That is why you have an agent in the first place!” Joshua says, laughing again as I blush. “Even if you cannot tour until you have recovered- regardless of whether anyone can tour at all right now- we will work with you to get as much money going into your account as we can. Let me know what you want to do, and we will work to make that a possibility.”

“If I ever figure that out, you’ll be the first to know,” I say with a tired chuckle that my boss echoes.

“Well, in the short term, it isn’t much of an issue,” Joshua says. “Especially since you let us promote your Twitch channel as well. But as I’m sure you know, fame is a very fickle thing, especially in the age of social media.”

“And I’ve already had most of my ‘fifteen minutes’?” I ask.

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Joshua says determinedly. “Every great music act in history has redefined themselves over the course of their careers. Taylor Swift began by singing Country songs. Michael Jackson’s solo work is very different to what he sang as a member of the Jackson 5. And I don’t need to tell you how different ‘Abbey Road’ is to ‘Please Please Me’.”

“…That’s some pretty elite company you’re lumping me in with,” I retort, earning another loud laugh from my boss.

“There is no sense in dreaming small!” Joshua exclaims. “Even if I was about to bring up the example of Ant and Dec next.”

“Ant and Dec?” I ask incredulously.

“You are perhaps too young to remember that they were pop stars before they were, well, ‘Ant and Dec’,” Joshua says with a smirk. “My point is that there are always options for you. You need not let this setback with your health affect you, well, permanently. Many people are quick to point out the drawbacks to fame, and while they have a point, the great benefit of fame is that you draw people toward you. People care about what happens to you, and I don’t just mean fans, friends or family, but people in positions of influence. People who can open doors for you, doors that I perhaps am unable to.”

“And I should try to get my foot in some of these doors?” I ask.

“More than just your foot,” Joshua advises. “After six years the band is now established- more than established, in fact. And you have worked your way into other aspects of British culture as well: Kayla was on Strictly, Becca is working with Gareth Malone on a new project for television, and Adeola will soon be a judge on the Voice Kids. Heh, even Lauren has tried her hand at stage acting- before the pandemic, of course.”

“Meanwhile, I’m sat on my arse doing nothing?” I say.

“Not the way I would have worded it,” Joshua replies. “But no one will force any of these opportunities into your hands, Stephanie. You have to reach out and grab them for yourself.” Easy for you to say, I ruefully think to myself.

"And you've got a few opportunities you want me to grab, I take it?" I ask.

"Nothing immediate," Joshua replies. "But we are definitely working on placing you somewhere we can keep your profile- and therefore, your income- as high as possible. Guest spots on The Last Leg, Graham Norton- hell, maybe even guest hosting The One Show for a week."

"Hosting?" I ask incredulously. "Isn't that more, like, an 'Angel' thing? I wouldn't know the first thing about hosting."

"Hosting is the art of looking good, reading from an autocue and being personable with your guests," Joshua says. "I know for a fact that you tick all three boxes."

"It still feels a bit... awkward, like, not a good fit for me, though?" I retort.

"And why not?" Joshua asks. "Stephanie, like I said, you draw people toward you. People will tune into a show that has Stephanie Abbott on it that they might not otherwise. Remember everything you told me about your fans in America? Those reactions were real. Meeting Stephanie Abbott was one of the highlights of their year, and all you had to do was be yourself. When are you going to believe that you deserve the fame and fortune that you have EARNED?"

"...I dunno," I half-chuckle/half-sigh. "And we haven't been to America in years."

"So the people you met over there have had years to spread the tale of what a wonderful and talented person Stephanie Abbott is. Well, spread as far as they were allowed to do with covid, anyway."

"While hopefully not spreading covid itself," I say, letting out a light cough as if on cue.

We spend the next 45 minutes discussing seemingly every aspect of my career and going over all of my options going forward- including many that I'd never even considered before. As always, speaking with Joshua gives me a renewed sense of optimism- not just about my professional life, but about my life as a whole. While I am, of course, aware that the main reason he signed me was to make him even richer than he already is, I have no reason to doubt that his care for me as a person is 100% sincere. And he is right- if I want these opportunities, I have to actively grab them myself. It’s how I joined the band, after all- by going to the audition, despite my anxiety at never having been out in public as ‘Stephanie’ before. It’s also how my relationship with Kayla started. Hell, it’s also how ‘Stephanie’ started in the first place, long before the band…

After a quick lie down to get my breath back following the call, I fix my makeup and give my hair a quick brush before opening my laptop again and signing back in to Zoom. As expected, within moments another call request comes through- though this one isn’t from Heavenly Talent.

“Good morning, Stephanie,” Dr Phillips says with a professional smile as her face appears on my screen. “How are you feeling today?”

“Same as always, I suppose,” I reply with a shrug. “Thanks for rearranging the appointment, by the way.”

“Well, my daughter-in-law is in charge of planning tomorrow’s festivities, so if we’d kept it on its original date, there’d be hell to pay,” my counsellor says with a smirk, which I mirror. “Speaking of which, are you looking forward to tomorrow? I realise that might be a silly question, but birthdays can often be a time for reflection, and with the global situation, everyone’s had more time than usual to ‘reflect’.”

“No, I- I am looking forward to it,” I say. “Okay, so I won’t be able to have a ‘proper’ big party, but I’m okay with that. I’ll get to see all my friends in the evening online, and see my family during the daytime, and I’ll be with Kayla all day, so- yeah. I’ve got everything and everyone that I need. But- yeah, I guess I kinda am ‘reflecting’ a bit, heh.”

“Go on,” Dr Phillips gently urges.

“Well, I- I was just on a call with Joshua, before this call,” I explain. “We were mostly discussing my career, obviously, and- yeah. Kinda made me, well, ‘reflect’ on just how far I’ve come over these last six years.”

“That’s understandable,” Dr Phillips says. “Six years is a long time, and a lot of things can change in that time, even for people who aren’t transgender- and I suppose it goes doubly so for people in the public eye, like yourself.”

“It’s a lot more than just ‘double’,” I chuckle. “Though I guess it’s not like I have anything to compare it to- well, no first-hand experience of it, anyway. And for some people, even six years isn’t enough time to accept that I am a woman.”

“Are you still experiencing online abuse?” Dr Phillips asks gently.

“…If I am, it never gets through to me,” I reply with a shrug. “The agency’s social media team are probably the only people in the world working overtime right now, heh. Well, apart from the NHS, anyway.” Two people in particular, I think to myself, who make my problems seem trivial by comparison.

“And- and how are your parents?” Dr Phillips asks.

“Doing okay,” I reply. “They didn’t get the virus too badly and they’ve both since recovered and gone back to work, but- yeah. With all this talk of new variants it’s hard not to worry, heh. Hopefully they’ll be prioritised for the vaccine, though.”

“Hopefully we’ll all be able to get that soon,” Dr Phillips concurs. “But I want to get back to you, Steph, and how you’re feeling.”

“Honestly, I- I’m okay,” I say. “I’ve kinda surprised myself with how little dysphoria’s affected me in this new lockdown. Though if I’m still dealing with it after six years, and dealing with ‘Steve’- who hasn’t been a problem, before you ask- then, well- yeah.”

“Well, as I’ve advised you many times, dysphoria can be insidious,” Dr Phillips reminds me. “I am glad to hear that you’re coping well, but I would like to be sure that it’s not simply a case of other issues distracting you from the dysphoria, as that- as I’m sure you’re aware- will inevitably cause more problems than it solves. Are there any new major issues in your life that feel overwhelming?”

“Not ‘overwhelming’,” I reply. “I mean, sure, I’ve been thinking about my career a lot, but that’s because I knew I was talking to Joshua today. And, obviously, the state of my lungs is kinda tied into that, so- yeah. And… and I’ve been thinking more about SRS as well.”

“I was going to come to that later,” Dr Phillips says as she types on her keyboard. “Please, go on.”

“I’m no closer to deciding, though,” I clarify. “Well, deciding ‘yes’, anyway. You can’t really decide ‘no’, like, permanently, as you can always change your mind later, but you can’t really change your mind from ‘yes’, as it’d mean you’d effectively be detransitioning, and I don’t want to do that, but- yeah.”

“You don’t want to close that door behind you, but you don’t want to go back through it either,” Dr Phillips muses. “But at the same time, it’s a comfort knowing that it’s still open?”

“I guess,” I shrug. “Though given what ‘thing’ we’re talking about, ‘comfort’ might be the wrong word with some of the costumes we’ve had to wear in videos and onstage, heh.”

“But if you have the operation, it will take months to fully heal until you’re well enough to tour or record videos again,” Dr Phillips reminds me.

“Assuming that’s even an option, with my lungs,” I sigh.

“Do you miss touring?” Dr Phillips asks.

“A little,” I reply with a shrug. “I mean, performing live is always fun regardless of the circumstances, but the long, nationwide tours can be really gruelling even when you’re 100% fit. But there really is nothing like performing in front of a packed-out arena. God knows Kayla doesn’t think so, heh.”

“How’s she coping with the new lockdown?” Dr Phillips asks.

“She’s fine,” I reply with a shrug, before sighing. “She- she’s okay. She’s got her own projects to work on, she’s happy just getting on with them, I suppose.”

“And are the two of you happy?” Dr Phillips asks, the subtext of her question obvious.

“We’re good,” I reply. “Sure, we’re both a bit stressed, what with everything, but that’s just the last ten months for you, heh.”

“I’m glad that things are less stressful for you there,” Dr Phillips says with a warm smile.

“I was a bit nervous at first that being stuck with each other 24/7 would be a bit, well…” I say, trailing off as I bite my lip anxiously.

“You were worried that you might eventually grow tired of each other’s company?” Dr Phillips asks.

“Thankfully, that hasn’t happened,” I say. “Well, not for me, anyway. I can’t speak for Kayla, but- yeah. She seems happy, at least. And you’d think after six years, I’d be a good judge of her mood, heh.”

“You would’ve hoped,” Dr Phillips says, making me giggle as she types again. "Are the two of you doing anything together at the moment? By which I don't just mean in a 'personal' sense, but in a professional sense too, or even if you have a smaller, fun project to work on together?"

"Umm, not since we built her dream recording studio in Minecraft," I reply with a chuckle. "Though that quickly spiralled out of control from 'recording studio' to 'mansion' to 'citadel', heh."

"It might be good to find something similar to do together," Dr Phillips advises. "Something fun you can contribute to equally, as a couple."

"Yeah," I reply as an idea starts to form in my mind.

"Anyway," Dr Phillips says as I mull over her advice. “I’ve got the mood diary you emailed me yesterday up on my screen, so there are a few things I’d like to touch upon next.”

“Sure,” I say, sitting back and listening as my counsellor, as always, offers her expert advice.

55 minutes later, my second and final call of the day comes to an end, and after saying goodbye to my counsellor, I head back to the living room, where I find my girlfriend huddled up on the sofa, alternating her attention between her phone and the TV and barely even noticing as I head into the kitchen to make myself a drink.

“Want a cup of tea?” I ask, trying not to smirk as the petite blonde girl nearly drops her phone.

“Umm, please,” Kayla replies. “Good calls?”

“Definitely productive,” I reply. “Had a few ideas I can hopefully get moving on soon.”

“Cool,” Kayla says with a smile, before turning her attention back to her phone and letting out a playful-sounding sigh. “…And yes, Nikki did drop round while you were in your room, and yes, so did Jacinta with your cake, and no, you can’t see either, not until tomorrow, anyway!”

“I wasn’t going to ask,” I retort. “Well… maybe, hehe!”

“You’ll find out quickly enough,” Kayla teases. “Are you free for the rest of the day?”

“Not like there’s anywhere else I even COULD be, right now,” I reply, earning a sigh and a sympathetic smile from my girlfriend.

“True enough, I suppose,” Kayla sighs. “Well, TV’s yours if you want to Switch, or whatever. Stuart messaged while you were in your bedroom, said he wants to call me in a bit to talk about a few things.”

“About your solo album?” I ask, smiling as Kayla nods in reply, while I remember my counsellor’s advice. “Yeah, me and Joshua were talking about a solo project for me, too.”

“Cool,” Kayla says, making me bristle at her half-hearted reaction to the news.

“And I was- I was wondering, actually,” I say as I carefully ponder how to word my question. “’Cause you know, like, we- we’re both singers, right?”

“That’s what our Wikipedia pages say,” Kayla replies with a smirk that I mirror.

“Well, we- I thought that maybe we could, you know, do a couple of duets?” I ask, smiling as my girlfriend looks up, clearly intrigued by my idea.

“What, for your solo album?” Kayla asks. “That sounds cool! Have you thought about which songs you’d want us to sing, or should I ask Stuart if he can write some when I talk to him?”

“I’ve- I’ve not thought this through THAT much just yet,” I reply, smiling as Kayla giggles and nods. “But yeah, I can send a message to Stuart, see what he thinks. And I was, you know, thinking that maybe we- we could maybe record a duet or two for your album?” I smile as I ask my question, but my smile quickly fades as Kayla’s enthusiasm vanishes instantly.

“…Oh,” Kayla mumbles, her facial expression betraying that my suggestion has upset, possibly even offended her. “Well, I mean, I can think about it, but, you know, it wouldn’t really be a ‘solo’ album, heh. But I- I’ll think about it.” And inevitably say ‘no’, I think to myself as I bite my lip.

“Okay, you know- it’s okay, forget I suggested it,” I mumble as I bit my lip harder and try not to cry.

“It’s just- you know,” Kayla stammers. “It’s not like we haven’t done duets in the band before, and-“

“I said forget it, okay?” I snap. “Stupid idea…”

“St- Steph,” Kayla says, her voice trembling with emotion- though whether that emotion is sadness or despair, I can’t say. “I- umm, I should- I should go, I’ve got my call with Stuart…”

“K- Kayla,” I call after my girlfriend, tears trickling down my cheeks as she races into her bedroom.

As I stand in the kitchen by myself, I think about heading back to my bedroom, but I don't dare move- with our bedrooms opposite each other, I'd have to pass her door, and if I hear her crying on the other side...

I replay the conversation in my mind, trying to work out what I did wrong- or if instead, it was Kayla who did anything wrong. All I did was suggest a duet, after all. Is her project that precious that the thought of me being on it somehow ruins it? Does she love being a singer more than she loves me?

…And it’s as I ask myself that question that I realise one inescapable fact- no one’s asking her to choose between being a singer and being my girlfriend. No one… except me. I’m the one who suggested the duets, the one who tried to muscle my way onto her album- a project she’s dreamt of not just since the start of lockdown, or since the band’s first hiatus, but probably her entire life. Kayla takes her career VERY seriously. The old Kayla would probably have bitten my head off if I’d tried to interfere on her project the way I just did- so the fact that she tried to let me down gently is just further proof of how much she loves me. And what did I do? I sulked like a petulant child. It might be my birthday tomorrow, but I'm the one who needs to make it up to Kayla. Even as I think to myself that if Kayla had suggested duetting with me on my solo album, I’d probably have agreed without a second thought…

Quietly, so as not to disturb Kayla’s call or tip her off as to what I’m doing, I return to my bedroom, where I strip down to my underwear and start rooting through my lingerie drawer for what I need. However, while I’m looking, I pause as my fingers come across an ‘item’ I’d ordered for myself some time ago, but never mustered up the courage to ‘wear’.

At a glance, it looks like just another thong, one of dozens I have in my drawer. However, this one is different. It's nude-coloured, has almost transparent straps, the interior contains a 'pouch' into which I can 'tuck myself away', and the exterior is shaped like the exterior genitalia of a woman- that is to say, an 'anatomically correct' woman, which as I'm constantly reminded, I am not.

I was recommended the 'gaff' by Jamie, who said it helped her immensely before she had her operation, and Nikki has said the same thing in the past too. And yet, even though I spent almost £200 on it, and had it in my drawer for over four months, I've never once worn it myself.

With my emotions in turmoil after my 'disagreement' with Kayla, I know now is the worst possible time, and yet I almost can't control myself as I remove my bra and my panties, shivering as the cold air touches my soft, delicate skin before I step into the 'gaff' and pull it up into place. Once it's 'secure', I turn to look in my mirror, and I gasp at what I see.

There, standing in front of me, is someone who is undoubtedly a woman. She has long hair, soft, hairless skin, a narrow waist and curvaceous hips, small but firm breasts, and a vagina between her legs. A vagina that perfectly matches her skin tone, and is indistinguishable from the rest of her body.

I've dressed as a woman, lived as a woman, BEEN a woman for almost the last six years. And yet this- this is something new. Something different. Something MORE. Previously, whenever I'd looked at myself in the mirror, I'd always felt 'incomplete'. But now...

And the most exciting thing is that while I know I have to take the gaff off eventually, I also know that I have an option to make 'it' permanent. All I have to do is make a phone call and I won't even need the gaff ever again. But frustratingly, even the image in front of me isn't enough to make me certain that I want to make that call...

Realising that it’d raise a LOT of awkward questions if I left it on during my 'apology', I reluctantly remove the gaff, but I leave it on my bed as a reminder to clean it later- though I’m forced to admit to myself that in all likelihood, I’ll wear it again later tonight. Refocussing on my task, I reach into my drawer for my laciest bra, thong and garter belt, as well as a pair of shiny black stockings before grabbing the highest pair of platform stilettos that I own.

After laying the outfit on my bed, I attack my hair with a can of hairspray, teasing it out to its fullest volume, before fixing my make-up- thick foundation, heavy eyeshadow and mascara, blood red lipstick. I then slowly slip on the outfit- and I’m forced to admit to myself that even after six years of more or less living full time as a woman, I still get a tingle as I feel the stockings slide up my soft, smooth legs, and especially as the gentle lace rides up between my buttocks and cups my breasts. I also feel an unexpected ‘tingle’ as I realise that even in a thong so scanty and otherwise 'unsupportive', I can still 'tuck myself away' flawlessly. After pulling on a short, silky kimono to defend myself from the cold, I grab a packet of artificial pink and white rose petals, slip my feet into the stilettos (wondering how exactly I was persuaded to buy a pair with a seven inch heel and two inch platform) and slowly make my way back to the living room.

I don’t have long to wait for Kayla to be done with her call, and when I hear her bedroom door open, I ditch my kimono and quickly spring into action.

“Hey, Steph,” Kayla says with a loud sigh as she heads into the living room. “I-“ My girlfriend pauses and her jaw drops open as she sees me knelt down, in my lingerie, behind the phrase ‘I’m sorry’ written on the floor in rose petals- some of which have also made their way into my hair, my cleavage and the waistband of my thong. My puppy dog eyes and sad pout are all it takes for a smile to spread across the petite girl’s face, before she sighs and leans down to give me a gentle kiss.

“…You’re forgiven,” Kayla says, before sighing yet again. “Though there- there’s nothing really that I need to forgive you for.”

“I shouldn’t have tried to butt in on your album,” I mumble as I pull my kimono back on and sit down next to Kayla on the sofa. “I know how much it means to you, and- yeah. I just- I just thought it’d be nice to, you know, do something together, as in, like, a project, you know?”

“And- and you were right,” Kayla concedes. “The duet IS a good idea, and Stuart said as much just now. So, if anything, I should probably apologise.”

“I still upset you, though,” I say. “I’d hate myself if I didn’t apologise for that.”

“I know,” Kayla whispers. “And thank you. Even if just for letting me be taller than you for a few seconds, heh.”

“Does that mean I can take these off?” I ask, gesturing to my shoes.

“Please do,” Kayla says, chuckling as I waste no time in freeing my feet from the shoes. “Don’t need you adding two broken ankles on top of everything!”

“And hypothermia too,” I say as I cover our bodies with our ‘sofa quilt’. “Next time I need to do a sexy apology, hopefully it’ll be in July or August, not January, heh!”

“Well, I’ve already said that the ‘apology’ part wasn’t needed,” Kayla reminds me. “The ‘sexy’ part, on the other hand…” I giggle as Kayla starts picking the rose petals out of my hair, before reaching into my bra- and not just because of the petals in there. Needless to say, I waste no time in returning the favour...

After laying on the sofa cuddling for another half an hour, I reluctantly tear myself away from Kayla’s arms and return to my bedroom, where I peel away my lingerie and start to put my regular clothes and underwear on. As I’m removing the majority of my make-up, though, I spot in my mirror the gaff on my bed, where I’d discarded it earlier. Biting my lip, I slowly pull the tight ‘garment’ back on, shivering as it brings back the same sensations I’d felt when I’d worn it earlier. However, I'm also reminded that I've spent the last thirty minutes experiencing 'sensations' that were, frankly, much more exciting- and like it or not, my 'natural equipment' played a large part on that. If the thing currently between my legs had been made of flesh and blood, and not latex, there’s no guarantee that we’d have had nearly as much 'fun'. There’s no knowing whether or not Kayla would’ve been interested in that 'type' of ‘fun’ at all… except, as I remind myself, there is a way of knowing- and I'm wearing it right now.

“I’m making a snack, d’you want anything?” Kayla asks from the kitchen as I pad across the living room, naked save for my gaff.

“Kayla…” I say nervously.

“I had another thought about our duet,” Kayla continues, oblivious to my disrobed state. “When I mentioned it to Stuart, he actually said that one of the songs I’d written, ‘Tomorrow Night’, would actually work better as a duel than as a solo piece, and, well, he’s got the degree in music, he’s the professional songwr- ooooookay, then, not- not THAT cold?” I smile as Kayla’s eyes widen- she’s obviously spotted what's between my legs. “And- and I’m guessing THAT is, like, a prosthetic?”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “I- I got it a few months ago, like, when it looked like lockdown was easing me and Dr Phillips were talking a lot about SRS and- yeah. I got this a while ago, and it- it does help with dysphoria. Well, it’s helping now, like. But I- I wanted to make sure that, like, it- I mean, that you’re, you know, okay with this?”

“Well- yeah,” Kayla replies. “I mean, you know, it’s your body, right? And what we just did on the sofa, we- I mean, I guess it wouldn’t be THAT different, right?”

“That bit, I- I don’t know,” I sigh, before involuntarily shivering. “I- I am a bit, like, cold…”

“Okay,” Kayla says with a smile. “We can talk further after you get dressed, if you like?”

“I would like that,” I reply with a smile.

“And are you- are you leaving THAT on?” Kayla asks, pausing as I consider my answer.

“…Yes,” I eventually reply. “I mean- heh. Back before I was, like, ‘Stephanie’ full time, I still, you know, dressed up a lot. And every time I had to get undressed, I felt, you know, depressed, like I’d give anything for just a few more minutes as ‘Stephanie’.”

“Kinda ironic, as you’re standing here completely naked,” Kayla quips, frowning as I briefly glare at her, before we share a giggle.

“Touche,” I chuckle. “But- yeah. I never need to get ‘undressed’ ever again, but- yeah. There’s one ‘thing’ left, I guess.”

“And you don’t need to take THAT off either, if you don’t want to,” Kayla says, before biting her lip and fidgeting awkwardly. “Though I- heh. This is going to sound SO weird…”

“Go on,” I say softly as I try not to fidget to stay warm.

“I- I kinda want to, like, touch it…” Kayla mumbles. “Just- you know, just, like, out of curiosity…”

“Well, it- it’s not like I haven’t returned the favour’ loads of times,” I tease, giggling as my girlfriend blushes. “And I was, like, going to change into a leotard, to see if, like, anything ‘showed’, but I can always-“

“Oh- no, it’s okay, you go and change,” Kayla says. “It’s like I’ll NEVER be able to touch it, right?”

“Right,” I say with a wide grin.

“Now go and change!” Kayla orders. “It can’t be good for your chest and your lungs, standing around naked when it’s THIS cold.”

“…It isn’t,” I say, grinning as I stifle a cough, before retreating to the comparative warmth of my bedroom.

I immediately pull back on the plain cotton thong I wore this morning, musing on how it doesn't feel all that much tighter than when I wore it 'ungaffed'. My bra is next, followed by a warm, translucent pair of black tights and my long-sleeved blue dance leotard, which I know from experience is the tightest one I own. Once I'm dressed, I stare at myself in the mirror, and once again, I'm amazed at how indistinguishable I am from other girls. If you didn't know better, you would swear that underneath my leotard and my tights was just an ordinary flesh and blood vagina. And even the fact that I DO know better doesn't stop me from grinning widely as I head back into the living room, where my girlfriend greets me with a wolf whistle.

“Hubba hubba Miss Abbott!” Kayla giggles as I sit down next to her and tightly cross one leg over the other. “Looking H-O-T!”

“Thank you, equally H-O-T Miss Ford!” I say, sharing my girlfriend’s giggle, before sighing. “I- I really am sorry about earlier.”

“I’ve already forgotten about it, honestly,” Kayla assures me. “Heh, the sight of you in those two outfits- ‘outfit’ being a bit of a stretch for the other one- is enough to take my mind off anything!”

“It distracted me a bit, too!” I chuckle, before letting out another sigh. “And I’m glad we can, you know, now talk about things like SRS.”

“Yeah,” Kayla sighs as she snuggles in next to me. “Kinda feel like I owe you an apology for all the times I tried to dodge that topic, like. Though I- I doubt your babydoll would fit me, hehe!”

“That’s okay,” I say. “I love you, Kayla.”

“I love you, Steph,” Kayla sighs happily as we switch on the TV and while away the rest of the evening in each other's arms- not making love, not even talking, just enjoying each other's company as the best friends and lovers that we are.

With a big day tomorrow, I head to bed just after 10pm, though after I remove my make-up and undress, I’m momentarily startled by the sight of the vagina still fixed between my legs. I allow myself a quiet chuckle as I realise that in all the day’s excitement (including having to relieve myself twice, which made me regret wearing the leotard), I’d actually forgotten that I was wearing it. A tingle spreads across my body as I realise that this also means that I’d forgotten that it wasn’t real, and for the entire afternoon and evening, I’d essentially lived as a 100% anatomically correct woman- though as I’m reminded when I remove the gaff, that is still a fantasy. However, as I'm also reminded, that it could so easily become a reality.

Well, ‘easily’ is perhaps the wrong word- the actual pain and recovery from the operation can, as I know from my friends’ experiences, be overwhelming. But all I need to do to arrange it is make a phone call to my counsellor and say ‘please book me in for SRS’. In a way, it’s almost TOO easy to arrange this. And it’s not like I’d be rushing into it, either- I’ve been transitioning socially for almost six years, on HRT for almost as long, have been discussing SRS since before the start of the pandemic, and many of my friends had their operation before they were twenty-five- Jamie, Nikki, Paige, Jacinta and Alexa to name just five. But despite all that, I still feel like moving at ANY speed toward SRS would still be rushing into it.

As I lay awake in bed, tossing and turning, my thoughts are dominated by the journey I’ve been on over these last six years. I started out as just an ordinary 19-year-old boy with a secret- a love of dressing in women’s clothing- and I’ve ended up as one of the most famous women in the UK. If you’d told me that six years ago- or that I’d find not just friends, but someone who loves me just the way I am- I would’ve thought it was utter fantasy. Sure, life has been far from easy for me- I’ve faced bigotry and struggled with my mental and physical health on countless occasions- but I wouldn’t change my life for anyone else’s, and certainly not ‘Steve’s’. As such, I’m confronted by one inescapable question- do I even need SRS?

Fortunately, that’s a question I’ve been able to distract myself from over the last ten months thanks to the global situation, and when I wake up the following morning, I find a note on my nightstand that hints that today might be full of ‘distractions’ too!

‘Text me before you get up,’ the card reads, followed by Kayla’s initial and an ‘x’. I smirk as I unplug my phone from its charger and text my readiness. Before I even reach my bedroom door, though, I receive a reply to my text.

‘Don’t leave the bedroom just yet,’ Kayla’s message reads. ‘If you need the loo, wait, this won’t take long. K x’ I briefly consider texting my girlfriend to remind her that from my bedroom, the bathroom and living room are in opposite directions, but the next text comes through mere seconds later. ‘Okay, come through and sit on the sofa!’ I do as I’m told and walk through to the living room, gasping and giggling as I see it decorated floor to ceiling with red, pink and silver streamers, almost a hundred balloons of all colours and shapes (including several boot-shaped balloons), with a massive ’25 today’ banner covering the back wall. On and surrounding the coffee table is a large pile of gifts of all shapes and sizes, while much to my confusion, on the sofa, in the seat where Kayla normally sits, is a stack of cushions, while my girlfriend is nowhere to be found.

When I walk around to my usual spot on the sofa, I let out a confused grunt as I see another cushion where I usually sit, with the note ‘put this in your lap and text me when you’re ready’. After sitting down and sending the text, I giggle with anticipation as I hear Kayla’s bedroom door open, before she all but skips into the living room, dressed in a thick, footed onesie, wrapped in glittery pink ribbon and with a giftwrapping bow in her hair. I watch on in bemusement as Kayla sits herself down on top of the pile of cushions next to me, before doing a sort-of ‘kick’ to the top cushion with her bum, landing flat on her back on the cushion in my lap. I giggle as she stares up at me with a wide, cheeky grin on her face.

“Happy birthday!” Kayla giggles as she leans up and gives me a quick, playful kiss.

“Th- thanks,” I giggle. “How long have you been planning this?”

“Since a few days after you turned 24, heh,” Kayla replies, making me giggle and blink back happy tears.

“I love you, Kayla,” I say softly, clearly making my girlfriend emotional.

“I love you too,” Kayla whispers, though as I lean in to give her another kiss, her playful grin returns and she stops me. “Ah- unwrap your presents before playing with them!”

“Well- if you insist,” I say, grinning devilishly as I start unzipping Kayla’s pyjamas.

“Hey!” Kayla giggles. “I DID mean the ribbon and the bow. Though I probably would be out here wearing just wrapping paper if your birthday wasn’t in the dead of winter, hehe!” I smile as I carefully free the bow from Kayla’s hair and give her another a kiss, before sighing happily.

“Thanks,” I say softly. “This- this has already been one of the best birthdays ever, heh.”

“And it’s only just begun,” Kayla giggles. “I’ll let you use the bathroom first while I get breakfast ready. Jacinta’s done some of her pains au chocolat and a couple of those Bakewell tarts you love as well as the cake.”

“Sounds delicious,” I sigh happily. “Thanks.”

“I’ll be sure to pass the thanks on to our star baker,” Kayla chuckles. “Though as it’s her birthday in ten days, we really need to think about doing something special for her.”

“Sure,” I reply, smirking as I muse that Jacinta and Kayla have interacted maybe a dozen times in all the time I’ve known both of them, the former isn’t famous at all beyond her friendship with me and the Angels, and yet despite all that, the two of them still consider each other friends.

After showering, I head back through to my bedroom to get my breath back (the steam from the shower isn’t great when you have chest problems) before returning to my bedroom to pick out my outfit for the day.

Obviously, I'll be wearing a fancy outfit for the Zoom party tonight, but for the daytime, I still want to make more of an effort than the 'leggings and a sweatshirt' look I've been rocking for the last few weeks. After pulling on a comfortable bra and thong, I head to my dressing table to brush my hair, but as I pass my chest of drawers, I see the 'vagina gaff' where I left it after cleaning it last night. I sigh wistfully as I pick it up and trace my fingers around its 'outline’, wondering whether or not I should wear it again today as an extra ‘birthday treat’. As I while away the time, though, I realise that I’ll always have tomorrow to 'see how it feels'. And the day after that, and the day after that, and all of the other days after that for the rest of my life. I don’t have to make any decision about SRS until I want to, and before I do, I’ll know I’ll have the full support of the woman I love.

After fixing my hair and make-up, I pull on a comfortable (but still short and very cute) flared burgundy skater dress with a lace collar and a pair of translucent black tights, before heading through to the living room, where my girlfriend is still waiting in her onesie.

“Is today a ‘sit around in pyjamas all day’ day, then?” I tease, giggling as the petite girl rolls her eyes.

“It’s cold, I’m warm and I’m also cute,” Kayla retorts.

“Yeah, you are,” I say as I sit down and Kayla snuggles up next to me.

“I would say ‘get a room’ but I’m kinda scared that you would,” the unmistakable voice of our bandmate Becca calls from the TV, making me blush as I realise that she and several of our other friends have joined a Zoom call on Kayla's laptop.

“Happy birthday Steffiboots!” Adeola cheers, before leading everyone- Kayla included- in a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ while my cheeks burn.

“Aww, you guys, thank you so much!” I gush. “I wish we could have a real party so I can thank you all properly, but- yeah.”

“We have a LOT of ‘proper’ parties saved up,” the authoritative voice of Charlotte Hartley says to the agreement of everyone. “My party room feels like a ghost town. Or rather it would if both of the BOYS named Keith hadn’t turned it into their own personal playroom-slash-fort.”

“Well, I- I’m just glad you’re all here, now,” I say. “Making time for little old me, heh.”

“Oh- like we wouldn’t take time out for family,” Hannah Dexter mock-chastises me. “You always do for all of us.”

“Also, we’ve got nothing better to do with us being back in lockdown, and we all want to watch you open your presents,” the younger of my two brothers says, smirking as this earns him a cry of ‘BOY’ from all the girls present, myself included.

“Yes, yes, okay Danny,” I snort as Kayla starts scooping up my presents and dumping them in my lap. With everyone watching on eagerly, I start tearing into my presents, unwrapping all manner of presents including a brand-new Switch lite, several blu-rays, loads of make-up, perfume and almost half a wardrobe of clothes including a new bespoke playsuit from Sarah and her friends and, of course, two new pairs of boots. Once I’ve unwrapped everything, I’m almost in tears at the sheer love and generosity that’s been shown to me- something I find impossible to hide.

“Steph?” Jamie-Lee Milton asks in a gentle voice as she and her husband look on with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I reply as I take a deep breath to calm myself. “I just- heh. Even after everything, I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world, you know? To have you all as my friends…”

“Oh- you’re gonna set us all off now,” Nikki protests as she fans herself to try to stop herself from crying.

“Sorry, sorry,” I apologise. “It’s true, though. Heh, I just wish I could give you all a hug right now.”

“I know that feeling,” Hannah sighs sadly. “But we will again soon, I know it.”

“And it’s not stopping us from celebrating tonight,” Charlotte insists. “As long as SOMEONE is a bit more ‘dressed up’ for the occasion.”

“Unless we’re having a big girls’ little girls’ pyjama party?” Hannah asks, both women giggling as my girlfriend rolls her eyes.

“Yes, I’ll be more dressed up,” Kayla says with a mock sigh. “I’m not going to perform tonight wearing just this, am I?”

“Ooh, are we performing tonight?” I ask, before biting my lip as I realise that it was this exact same question that triggered our argument yesterday. Fortunately, Kayla seems to instantly sense this, and also senses that my question was one of genuine curiosity, rather than me attempting to 'butt in' again.

“I will be performing,” my girlfriend insists. “YOU will be the guest of honour!”

“Though I think we can find some space in this ‘gig’ for a few more songs,” Stuart insists. “If- if you feel up to it, of course.” Do I? I think to myself, before realising one thing- everyone on the screen is either friend or family. If I’m unable to sing, they won’t judge me, especially not today of all days. And I do genuinely love to sing…

“…I think I can manage a song or two,” I say, giggling as my friends all cheer.

The sound of laughter and cheering fills the flat for the next ninety minutes as my friends and I catch up on everything that’s happened since we last spoke- even though that was merely a few days ago, and the pandemic means that we’ve not had much if any opportunity to do anything, we still find ways to fill the time without repeating ourselves or there being any awkward silences. There are a few more tender moments in the call, such as when Tom- and, even better, my namesake niece- briefly join the call, but for the most part, me and my friends just sit back, relax and catch up- the perfect way to spend a birthday morning.

After the call (and after Kayla finally gets dressed), we spend the afternoon simply chilling out, nibbling on some of the expensive chocolates and home-made pastries I was given today (I swear Jacinta uses some kind of highly addictive drug in her pains au chocolat), before the time comes to get ready for the party- for MY party. I waste no time in heading back to my bedroom, where I tease my already lush, thick hair out to its fullest volume with my brush and hairspray, before applying a make-up look similar in 'weight' to yesterday's 'apology look'- though today I'm going more for 'refined' than 'sultry'. I exchange the plain black tights I wore this morning for a glossy tan-coloured pair with tiny, crystal-like sparkles weaved throughout, before stepping into my dress for tonight- another creation of Sarah's and her friends.

Obviously, the dress is form-fitting and very short, ending a full six inches above my knee. Rather than a low cleavage, the top part is made of a sheer mesh-like fabric, panels of which are also sewn into cut-outs in the sleeves and the waist, while the main ‘body’ of the dress is made from a shimmering velvet-like fabric in a deep red colour, but has gold threads weaved throughout that sparkle in the light. After slipping my feet into a pair of matching pumps with a pointed toe and slender 4” stiletto heel, I give myself a liberal dose of perfume and touch up my lipstick one more time before heading out of my room and back to the lounge, where Kayla greets me with a playful, but also lustful look on her face.

“Helloooooo Miss Abbott!” Kayla giggles as I do a slow twirl for her.

“Hello Miss Ford!” I teasingly retort as Kayla shows off her own dress- a sleeveless black garment with a flared knee-length skirt and a fitted bodice with a dangerously low neckline. “Is that dress new?”

“Of course,” Kayla replies with a smug grin. “I’m not going to wear something used for my girlfriend’s 25th birthday party, am I?” I giggle as the two of us share a long, tender kiss before returning to the sofa, where Kayla has laid out decorations, snacks and several bottles of champagne.

“Well, I- I do appreciate it,” I say softly. “Like, the effort. And I appreciate you, too. And I love you. Always.”

“I love you too,” Kayla whispers, giving me another gentle kiss before popping open a bottle of champagne and pouring us each a glass. “Though I hope you don’t mind if I go easy on the booze as usual, heh.” I smile sympathetically- Kayla has never been a big drinker, so her even having one glass means she's treating tonight as a very special occasion.

“I probably should as well, heh,” I chuckle, clinking glasses with my girlfriend before taking a sip of the expensive beverage.

“Because you- umm, are you- are you wearing that, like, control panty you wore yesterday?” Kayla asks.

“I’m not, actually,” I reply. “I thought about it, but- heh. Didn’t want to, you know, be ‘distracted’ today. The ‘thing’ is meant to help me make a decision about SRS, and that’s something I don’t really want to spend time focussing on today. Not when I’m meant to be having fun, anyway!”

“Hell yeah!” Kayla giggles as we clink glasses again. “Today is all about you, Steph- well, you and all the millions of people who also think you’re awesome, anyway! We can’t get THAT many on the call, though, so will you settle for the couple of dozen or so that we invited?”

“Hardly ‘settling’,” I say, letting out an excited squeak as Kayla types into her laptop, before our TV screen is filled with the faces of my friends- many of whom I spoke to this morning but who have all dressed up for the occasion, just as Kayla and I have.

“Happy birthday!” My friends all yell, making me squeal with excitement.

“Aww, thank you all so much!” I gush. “Thanks for coming here this evening, or this afternoon for everyone stateside!”

“Like we were ever not going to?” Jessica retorts, her wife nodding along beside her.

“We did kinda have to take a day off work,” Paige says. “But it was totally worth it, hehe!” I blush as everyone's excitement levels rise.

“Well it really does mean a lot to me,” I say softly. “All of you mean so much to me, and I hope we can have fun tonight despite everything!”

“Oh, we will,” Kayla reassures me with a smug grin. “There will be dancing, there will be drinking, and most of all, there will be…”

“Music!” Kayla yells along with Stuart, Mikey, Jonathan and Ian- the latter four holding up their musical instruments (well, drumsticks in Jonathan’s case) as they do. I smile as the ‘band’ sets up while Kayla grabs a microphone, and within seconds the flat is filled with what I immediately identify as the opening few bars of ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank.

“I’m not a perfect person…” Kayla sings, her voice as flawless as always.
"There's many things I wish I didn't do.
But I continue learning.
I never meant to do those things to you.
And so, I have to say before I go.
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me.
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new.
And the reason is you..."

I blink back tears- and much to my surprise, so does Kayla- as she looks deep into my eyes while singing the last line of the chorus. I know better than interrupt her mid-song, but when the song comes to its conclusion, I waste no time in striding over and giving my girlfriend a long, loving kiss that she eagerly reciprocates.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kayla whispers, closing her eyes and seemingly enjoying the moment before raising the microphone back to her lips and grinning. “Thanks guys! That one’s totally going on the album, hehe!” Annnnd down comes my mood again, I spitefully think to myself, before mentally chastising myself for thinking such a thought- especially after the gift that I'd just been given.

Initially, I’d felt deeply offended that Kayla would baulk at the idea of duetting with me on her album, while inviting the Celestials to play on it without a second thought. Half of them aren’t even professional musicians, and their bassist is notorious for absolutely hating the limelight. But as I try to rationalise it in my mind, I realise that Kayla never said anything about it being an a cappella album. Of course she’d want a band involved, and who better than Heavenly Talent’s actual in-house band? And for all I know, they may only be playing this one track. And most importantly… Kayla sang this song for me alone. Sure, others heard it. Sure, it’ll later be recorded for an album and listened to by millions. But this performance was sung for an audience of one, and in that moment, I knew that Kayla truly loved me unconditionally. It doesn’t matter whether or not I can sing live on stage again, or even if I can record again. It doesn’t matter if I have SRS or not- I know that Kayla loves me just as I love her. My career can wait- it’s not like everything else in the world isn’t waiting right now, too. Maybe it is time I laid back and smelled the roses- which I can literally, thanks to the two dozen plus one that Kayla bought me. While they last, anyway…