Stephanie, part 25

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“Auntie Stephie!” The tiny voice calls as I enter the dance studio, immediately bringing a smile to my face as she toddles over to me in her pink leotard and dance skirt.

“Hey, cutie!” I squeak excitedly as I snatch up my niece and namesake for a quick cuddle. “Have you had fun dancing for Ms. Fullerton today?” Needless to say, the little girl’s nod puts a smile on my face, though even that pales in comparison to the proud grin on the face of her mother, who slowly makes her way over to the two of us. The reason she’s moving slowly, of course, is because in two months’ time my namesake won’t be the only child living under her roof!

“Hi Steph,” Amanda says, her voice giving away how tired she is despite her smile.

“Hi Amanda,” I say, giving the heavily pregnant woman a gentle hug before handing her daughter back to her. “Do you need a hand taking stuff out to your car?”

“I’ll be okay, thanks, Tom’ll be here in a bit,” Amanda replies. “Besides, you’ll want to catch up with your friends, won’t you?”

“I can do that any time,” I shrug. “I’d rather catch up with my favourite niece, hehe!” The smile remains on my face even as I realise that when I say I can catch up with my friends anytime, what I actually mean is that I don't have a lot else on my plate right now.

In the three months since I separated from Kayla- and the rest of the band- I’ve found myself drifting through life almost aimlessly. I’ve been making enough money from adverts and endorsements on my social media pages (not to mention royalties from our music) that money hasn’t been a big issue even if you take into account Christmas last month. However, sales and streaming figures for the band are a lot lower than they were this time last year, meaning I can’t go spending money willy-nilly (not that I usually do anyway). And besides, however much my professional life might be stalling (especially my solo music projects, such as they are), it's like a runaway train compared to what’s happening in my personal life.

In the last three months, I’ve maybe spoken to Kayla five times, and three of those occasions were Christmas Eve (at the gift exchange at Charlotte’s house), Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. On each occasion we were polite to each other, friendly even, but certainly not as 'warm' as when we were lovers- or even as friendly as we were before we became lovers. And each time, I went away with my heart feeling just that little bit smaller. Our presents to each other were even less personal than before we were lovers- exchanging DVDs and video games instead of the usual jewellery and 'intimate' gifts we usually gave. What got me the most, though, was that this year, I didn’t get or send any presents to Kayla’s parents, and she didn’t get or send any presents to my parents. Of course, my parents have been watching their finances recently, what with my dad retiring and both of them having another grandchild on the way, but I still can’t help but feel that my family- my extended family, that is- has got a lot smaller since October. And what makes this feeling even worse is that tomorrow is the 23rd of January… Aka my birthday. My 24th, to be precise, my fifth as ‘Stephanie’ and my first since separating from the love of my life.

Of course, I know consciously that my ‘extended family’ is still the same size as it was before. After all, it’s not like Kayla has completely excised herself from my life (no matter how much it may feel like that)- she is coming to my party at Charlotte’s house tomorrow and will no doubt bring a present with her. I’ve grown closer to Becca and Adeola than I've ever been since joining the band, even if I do constantly feel like a third (or even worse, sometimes fifth) wheel whenever we’re out together. And, of course, the entire Heavenly Talent ‘family’ still treats me as one of their own (and obviously, the feeling's mutual), just as they did before- even more so in some cases, as I’m reminded when a face familiar to myself and most of the country enters the dance studio and smiles warmly at me.

“Hi Steph, hi Amanda,” the unmistakable voice of Jamie-Lee Milton says warmly as she walks up next to the two of us, before grinning as her own little girl toddles up and extends her arms for a hug- which her mother is only too happy to provide. “Hi Olivia! Were you a good girl for Ms. Fullerton today?” Needless to say, the three of us all let out ‘awws’ as the brown-haired girl nods shyly.

“They were all good today,” the aforementioned Ms. Fullerton says as she approaches, holding the hand of her own daughter (who is obviously dressed identically to Stephi and Olivia). “They always are, hehe! Though I doubt these two would be, for one obvious reason!” The four of us all glance over to the entrance to the studio where two more mothers- and, obviously, Angels- approach, this time pushing pushchairs with two sleeping babies inside. The 'obvious reason' Krystie mentioned is that (much like Amanda's soon-to-arrive baby) both of the newborns are boys- though that hasn't stopped them from being just as adored by the 'wider family' as their big sisters are. I smile again as Mary's and Viks's daughters immediately toddle over to them, but I suddenly find myself being filled with a sense of melancholy. All of my friends have families of their own, whether that's partners, daughters or both, whilst I don’t even have a girlfriend right now. All of a sudden, I’m confronted with the fact that I might never enjoy the sense of family, enjoy the sheer unconditional love that all my friends do…

“That’s a bit harsh,” Jamie says with a snort of laughter as I try to compose myself. “I mean, yes, they’re BOYS, but they’re not even- Steph? Are- are you okay?”

“Hmm?” I ask, stealthily wiping a tear from my eye. “Oh- umm, yeah, I’m just- I’m just kinda feeling like the odd one out here, heh. I mean, you all have families, and I-“

“You are as much a part of this family as anyone else,” Jamie says firmly, smiling as she looks me in the eye. “Regardless of what’s happening in your private life.”

“Totally,” Krystie says. “So what if you don’t have a spouse and/or a kid right now? Doesn’t mean you never will. I mean, Hannah doesn’t, she’s three years older than you and no one would argue she’s an ‘odd one out’, right?”

“Well- yeah, I guess,” I chuckle as, once again, my friends immediately drop everything to support me.

“And if you weren’t part of this family,” Jamie teases, “it means that tomorrow we’d be having a party for no reason. And while I can totally get behind THAT idea, I’d much rather celebrate a friend’s birthday, hehe!”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” I chuckle as Mary and Viks (and, obviously, their newborns) approach.

“Morning, ladies!” Mary says in her excited Belfast accent. “What’s the craic today?”

“Miss Abbott’s birthday bonanza tomorrow,” Krystie says, making me roll my eyes and giggle.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Mary says with a sly grin. “Even if our babysitters are going to be working overtime!”

“And I assume by ‘babysitters’ you mean ‘husbands’?” Amanda asks with a grin, which widens when our famous friends all giggle excitedly. “Or, in my case, grandparents- it kinda wouldn’t be fair to keep Tom away from his own sister’s party.”

“Even if it’s also unfair for you not to be able to drink in your condition?” Viks teases, smirking as the mother of my niece blushes and giggles. “It’s okay. And at least you know your son will have a ready-made best friend in Josh here, hehe!” Once again, all of us sigh happily as the dark-haired woman gestures to the sleeping three-week old boy in her pushchair.

“Yeah,” Amanda chuckles. “God, I- and I don’t mean this badly, but- sometimes it still feels weird that, you know, you’re friends with ‘little old me’, heh.”

“Hey, you’re Steph’s family,” Krystie says.

“Which means you’re OUR family,” Jamie insists. “Never forget that.”

“…I won’t,” Amanda says emotionally, before giggling as my niece begins tugging at her hand. “Though speaking of family, I think someone needs a nap after their dance lesson, heh!”

“Sure, I think more than one person does!” Mary says as she reaches out a hand for her daughter Natasha to take, while the other mothers and their daughters slowly make their way out of the studio. And even though everyone makes a point to say goodbye to me before they leave, it doesn’t change the fact that I'm still going home by myself, feeling more alone than ever.

Fortunately, my flat is just a short taxi ride from the dance studio, meaning I arrive back home with plenty of the morning left- and, as always, I find myself surprised when I hear someone other than Kayla moving around in the flat.

“Hey,” Troy- my new flatmate- says as he puts our kettle on. “How was the dance class?”

“Ugh… frustrating,” I sigh as I take off my trademark boots and flop down on the sofa.

“Well, at least you look good while being frustrated,” Troy says, making me smile as I examine my look- a form-fitting burgundy turtleneck, a short black bodycon skirt and shiny black tights. In addition, of course, to immaculate make-up, expensive jewellery and perfectly manicured nails, many who see me (and, of course, don’t know my backstory) have no problem believing that I’ve always been female, and the more time passes, the more I believe it too. The one thing I’d worried about most after separating from Kayla was that ‘Steve’ would put in a reappearance, but ‘it’ has remained thankfully silent. Though that hasn’t helped me come any closer to a decision regarding SRS…

“Why did you go to the studio, anyway?” Troy asks, handing me a mug of sweet-tasting coffee before sitting down next to me.

“Ugh, I dunno,” I moan. “I just, you know, wanted to catch up with everyone. Which, yes, I’ll be doing at tomorrow’s party anyway, but- meh. I dunno. I kinda miss the Wednesday morning ‘lessons’ we used to have there, when everyone would get together and, you know, just have an hour of messing around, forgetting about responsibilities, that sort of thing.”

“Sounds like fun,” Troy says.

“It really was,” I chuckle. “And not just ‘cause it gave me an excuse to spend an hour a week dressed up in a pair of pink tights and a leotard.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Troy insists, giggling as I give him a playful elbow.

“Ugh, now it seems like the girls only go there to drop off and pick up their daughters,” I sigh. “Amanda included, not that she came to the Wednesday lessons before, but- heh. It seems like she’s a closer friend to the Angels than I am, and I don’t, like, hate her for that, but it’s kinda frustrating, you know? And I- I think I’m kinda talking your ear off, aren’t I?”

“I don’t mind,” Troy shrugs. “Happy to be a pair of ears on legs if it helps you feel better.”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “God knows how batty I’d have gone without you here the last three months, heh.”

“I think the walls would’ve formed a self-help group,” Troy jokes, laughing as I give him another elbow. “But seriously, you’d have had people lining up to move in with you. And not just ‘cause this is a really, really gorgeous flat in Notting Hill and you’ve got all the modern games consoles.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle. “So… You got anything planned for today, then?”

“No, not got any work until Saturday,” Troy sighs. “Would’ve had some on Friday but I don’t know how wasted I’m going to get tomorrow night, heh! How about you? Got any work on your solo projects you can do today?”

“Ugh, ‘should do’, yes; ‘can do’, probably not,” I sigh. “Damn writer’s block… And I was never much of a songwriter to begin with.”

“You never know until you try,” Troy reminds me.

“Well- that’s true,” I chuckle. “God knows that was true five years ago, heh.” Despite myself, I still occasionally wonder where I’d be, or even who I’d be if I hadn’t ‘tried’ and attended the audition five years ago. I certainly didn’t know that I could be a girl full-time, for starters, but now I can’t imagine my life any other way- no matter how much stress it might cause me at times. But, like I often remind myself, you only regret the things you DON’T do.

“Even if you weren’t part of one of the most famous girl bands in the UK, I still reckon you’d be a girl,” Troy says with a warm smile that I mirror.

“Thanks,” I whisper, before letting out a quiet sigh- Troy is such a good friend, he’s thoughtful, empathetic and supportive, and would be the perfect boyfriend for anyone. It’s just a shame that he’s also gay, and as part of his empathy and support, he makes a point of never so much as flirting with me…

“Anyway,” Troy says. “Is there, like, a theme for tomorrow’s party? I don’t remember you or anyone else mentioning anything, if you’re going with a ‘winter wonderland’ theme or a ‘1996’ theme or whatever?”

“Nah, no theme this year,” I reply. “Adeola did the whole ‘Spice Girls’ theme one year so the whole ‘1996’ thing’s been done anyway, heh. So, just ‘smart, sexy clothes’ tomorrow night, hehe!”

“Can probably manage that,” Troy says with a grin. “As for today, though… are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I reply with a shrug, even though I’m not entirely convinced. “I can always drop into the studio, or the coffee shop or somewhere like that. I’ve been meaning to call my friend Alexa in America too, see how she’s recovering from her SRS, but there’s time zones, so- yeah.”

“Still though, it’s cool how you interact with fans like that,” Troy says. “Do you still keep in touch with that girl from San Francisco?”

“Who, Leah?” I ask. “I email her from time to time, yep.”

“So cool,” Troy says with a genuine smile. “You might have the biggest family of anyone I know, heh.” Despite my recent funk, I blush as I realise that my friend is right, and has once again put the smile back on my face. It may have taken me years to realise I’m not alone, or an outsider in this group, but I do truly feel blessed to have the friends and family that I do. I feel even more blessed to be unconditionally accepted by all of my family as the woman that I truly am. And I have a career that’s the envy of literally millions. And yet, I can’t help but feel incomplete- and it's even more frustrating that I know exactly what's missing in my life…

I spend the rest of the morning chilling out on the sofa- well, trying to, anyway- watching television and scrolling through the latest comments on my social media pages. However, it doesn’t take long for me to become restless again, and after Troy leaves to meet up with some friends, I find myself also heading out a short while later, heading toward the centre of London and one location in particular.

After a short taxi ride, I head through the front door of the official Angels coffee shop (after posing for selfies with the fans outside, naturally), where the new assistant manager greets me with a smile.

“Oh, hey Steph!” Saffron says with a grin. “I didn’t know you were going to be in today, you’re not on the calendar that we got emailed?”

“Meh,” I shrug. “Just felt like stopping in, seeing how everyone is, check and see who is in today, maybe?” And try not to sound TOO needy, I think to myself as I try not to grimace.

“Umm, Alice was in this morning, but no one’s scheduled for this afternoon,” Saffron replies. “Well, they WEREN’T, anyway, hehe! I’ll get your usual table in the VIP section cleared, I take it you want your usual drink?”

“Please,” I say with a smile as I head to the coffee shop’s small, roped-off VIP area and sit down at my usual table, grinning as I glance over the many famous names that have been carved into the tabletop- names like Charlotte Hartley, Jamie-Lee Milton and Hannah Dexter, but also other 'non-family' names like Nick Grimshaw and Stacey Dooley. However, there are two names that attract my attention more than any other- one of them, obviously, is my own name, which I carved into the tabletop shortly after the coffee shop opened. The other name that draws my attention is the one immediately next to mine- the name ‘Kayla Ford’.

My drink arrives a short while later, and I spend the next twenty minutes alternating between sipping it, checking my phone and watching the crowds walk by outside. Shortly before I finish my drink, though, a familiar face walks through the coffee shop door- the last face I expected to see.

“K- Keiran?” I ask, startling the young trans man and causing his eyes to widen as he places his order.

“Oh- umm, hi Steph!” Keiran replies with a grin. “What- what are you doing here?”

“Umm, drinking some coffee,” I reply, gesturing to my nearly empty cup. “What are you doing here?”

“Umm… also drinking coffee and eating some lunch,” Keiran replies, making me bite my lip and blush as he gestures to where his drink is being prepared. “If you mean, like, London, then I’m just meeting up with a couple of friends, and I always wanted to stop in here when I was here for AngelCon in the summer, but I never got the chance, so- well, yeah.”

“…You were literally at the pre-party at Charlotte’s house the night before AngelCon,” I remind my friend. “That’s kinda a bigger deal than this shop! Umm, no offence, Saffron.”

“Oh- no, I totally agree with you there!” The young barista chuckles. “Do- do you guys want to sit together?” I recognise this question as code for ‘are you, the celebrity, happy to have this ‘normal’ person sitting with you?’, so I simply nod and smile as Keiran, his drink and his plate of delicious-smelling chips are directed to my table.

“Thanks,” Keiran says nervously, before chuckling as he glances over the numerous names carved into the table. “W- wow, there are a LOT of names here, heh!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle. “It’s kinda, like, THE table in here, heh.”

“I get that,” Keiran chuckles, before pointing to my 'contribution'. “Ah- and I’ve found you on here, heh!”

“Heh,” I chuckle, nervously for some reason. “So, umm… How- how long are you in London? Like, are you- are you travelling back tonight?”

“Well, I only live an hour away, so yeah,” Keiran says. “Me and my friends are just coming to check out the Tate Modern, so, well- yeah. We’ve arranged to meet up in about 45 minutes, so I can’t actually stay long.”

“Fair enough,” I shrug, briefly considering whether or not to invite myself along, before realising that I’d probably feel even more out of place with Keiran’s friends than I did at the dance studio this morning- not least because I won’t know anyone else there, my celebrity might be a little ‘distracting’, and most of all, most of Keiran’s friends will be male. However, while I can’t ask for an invite, there’s nothing stopping me from issuing one… “Are- are you doing anything tomorrow night?”

“Umm, not got anything planned,” Keiran replies. “I’ve taken the rest of the week off work, so- yeah. Why do you ask?”

“It- it’s actually my birthday tomorrow,” I reply, blushing as my friend grins widely.

“Ah, happy birthday for tomorrow, then!” Keiran chuckles, further reddening my cheeks.

“Thanks,” I whisper. “But my point is- well, like, tomorrow night, I’m having a party at Charlotte’s house, and, well, if you’d like to come, there’ll always be space, and- well, yeah…” I bite my lip as Keiran thinks over my offer, his facial expression a mixture of 'excited' and 'petrified'.

“Is- is there, like, a costume, or a dress code?” Keiran asks nervously.

“Nope,” I reply. “Just, you know, your sexiest shirt and trousers, hehe!” And why did I use the word ‘sexiest’? I think to myself as I try not to cringe. “You, umm, you’re not, like, obliged to buy me a present or anything, either…”

“Well- okay, sounds great!” Keiran chuckles. “I’ll be there, heh. And yes, I know how to find the house, heh!”

“Cool!” I giggle. Don’t say ‘it’s a date’, don’t say ‘it’s a date’… “It- umm, I’ll see you there!”

“Cool,” Keiran says nervously as he finishes his lunch, before checking the time on his phone. “I, umm, I should- I should get going, like, need to meet my friends…”

“Okay,” I whisper, smiling as I stand to let my friend out of the VIP area. Before he steps out, though, I lean in to give him a gentle- and extremely awkward- hug, trying not to frown as this attracts the attention of many of the other diners.

“See you tomorrow,” Keiran says, his fidgeting giving away that he’s feeling just as awkward as I am. I smile and wave as he leaves the coffee shop, before trying to clear my blushes as I head to Saffron’s till to pay for my drink.

“…Was he a friend, then?” The barista asks with a smug grin.

“Oh- shut up…” I mumble. “If you must know, I met him before AngelCon last year, we got talking, he- he’s nice, you know?”

“If you say so,” Saffron teases, before handing me a fancy voucher. “For tomorrow, I kinda overheard you say it’s your birthday, so you get a free drink and plate of chips if you come in tomorrow. But only for you, not for any ‘friends’.”

“Yes, yes, very funny,” I say, smirking while Saffron giggles as I leave the cafe. As I make my way home, though, my thoughts are suddenly conflicted.

It’s not like Keiran isn’t a nice guy- he’s funny, cute in a shy way and, because he's also transgender, we can connect in a way I never could with anyone else I was ‘intimate’ with, with the possible exception of Kurt. However, there’s one other thing he and Kurt have in common- neither of them are Kayla. It’s Kayla who I think about whenever I feel lonely, or sad, or depressed. It’s Kayla who brought me out of those low moods I felt, and with whom I felt the most content I’ve ever been. And I loved- or rather, still love Kayla. After all, we’re merely on a break, not split up, trying to figure out what we really want, and whether or not that’s each other. However, it’s not like I can wait forever for her to make up her mind…

After arriving home, I immediately check my social media for any notifications- anything along the lines of ‘Stephanie Abbott photographed with mystery man'- but fortunately the windows of the coffee shop are tinted in such a way it makes it very hard to photograph the inside of the cafe from the street, meaning that’s one less source of stress for me. God knows it wouldn’t have been fun if Kayla had found out about Keiran THAT way. Not that there’s anything to ‘find out’, of course- well, not yet, anyway…

Troy returns home not long later, and after a light dinner I head through to my bedroom to pack a small travel case. If Kayla was still living with me, I’d obviously stay here so we could wake up together on my birthday, but as that’s not the case right now, rather than wake up by myself on my birthday, I’ve arranged to stay overnight at my parents’ house instead. I did this over Christmas (especially as Troy was staying with his parents then too) and it helped to stave off some of my misery regarding my relationship (or lack thereof), so I’m hoping it’ll work again tomorrow.

After saying goodbye to Troy with a gentle hug, I hop into a taxi and before long, I’m walking through the front door of the house I grew up in, where I’m greeted with tight, loving hugs from both of my parents.

“Hi, Steph!” Dad says with a wide grin as he releases me from his hug. “How’s your day been?”

“Meh, not bad,” I shrug as I take my boots off and sit down in my usual spot on the sofa. “I’ve not done much today with the band still being on hiatus. Though I’m guessing you know a thing or two about ‘not doing much’?”

“Cheeky,” my sixty-year-old and recently retired father chuckles. “And for the record, I HAVE been keeping busy, and not just with wrapping the mountain of presents you’ll be getting tomorrow morning!” Needless to say, this makes me giggle and blush.

“You know you don’t have to get me THAT much for my birthday,” I retort. “Not with Christmas less than a month ago and another grandchild due in a few weeks’ time?”

“Oh, don’t worry, he will be spoiled!” Dad says with a proud chuckle. “Though I’m hoping his rich and famous aunt will do the bulk of the spoiling?”

“Well, duh!” I giggle, before sighing tiredly.

“Anyway, how are you doing, Steph?” Dad asks, his voice suddenly adopting a much more serious tone. “I mean, it’s been three months since- well, ‘since’, and you’ve been round here more in those three months than you had in the three years beforehand.”

“That- that’s a bit of an exaggeration,” I retort, before sighing again. “Though not much of an exaggeration… I- ugh, I dunno. It’s kinda ironic, I spent the last five years getting stressed out at my life moving at a million miles an hour, never getting any time to so much as stop and think, and now that I’ve got nothing but free time, I’m still stressed out because I have, like, too much time to stop and think, if that makes any sense?”

“Perfect sense,” dad says. “Just ‘cause you’re not going into the office- well, recording studio in your case- every day doesn’t mean you haven’t still got a lot of weight on your shoulders, like from fans and so forth. Especially with your status as a, well, role model as well.”

“Well- I guess,” I shrug. “I still feel a bit, you know, lame, talking about my life being stressful when you used to-“

“No- no, stop right there,” dad interrupts. “Like I’ve told you a thousand times, what I did for a living should have no bearing on how you live your life. Yes, a lot of the time what I did was literally life or death, but that doesn’t trivialise the fact that you’ve got literally millions of people scrutinising you on a daily basis.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” I sigh. “D’you ever miss driving the ambulance?”

“Heh, pretty much every day,” dad replies. “But I figure I’ve paid into my NHS pension for over 35 years, I may as well enjoy it!”

“Very true,” I say. “Where’s mum, anyway?”

“Tesco,” dad replies. “Just picking up a few things for tomorrow. I know it’s not exactly Fortnum and Mason’s, but there’s only so much we can spoil you on your birthday!”

“…I ate Tesco food for nineteen years here while I was growing up, I think I’ll be fine,” I chuckle.

“Good,” dad says with a proud smile. “I’m glad all this fame and fortune hasn’t gone to your head over the last five years.”

“Nah, no danger of that happening,” I say. “Even if, well, I AM a lot different than I was when I grew up in this house… Something that, well, kinda HAD to go to my head, if you know what I mean?”

“I think so,” dad says quietly. “Still, as much as we might talk about what we’d have done then if we knew what we know now, the fact is that we can’t change the past, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to make a better future.”

“Very true,” I whisper as I ponder the many mistakes in the past- mistakes I’m determined not to repeat, like lying to my friends and my family, or running away when things become too overwhelming… And I’m forced to wonder whether or not my ‘break’ from Kayla and the band was a mistake- and moreover, whether or not getting with Kayla in the first place is one of these mistakes my father’s talking about…

Mum returns from the shops a short while later and we spend the next hour and a half simply catching up before eating a quick dinner. I spend the rest of the evening watching television and checking my social media, as I’ve done most evenings since last October- though today feels different, more comfortable perhaps because I'm around family. I head to bed shortly after 11pm, and while I’d normally be excited about tomorrow, I find myself falling asleep very quickly, tired from the day’s events and tired of my stress about my relationship with Kayla. And the stress of what could be a potential relationship with Keiran, something I made a point of NOT telling my parents about...

The sound of my parents shuffling around downstairs wakes me up early the following morning, and after unplugging my phone from its charger I grin as the screen immediately lights up with notifications- all of which say a variant of ‘happy birthday’. Before getting up, I quickly scroll through all of the notifications to see who they’re from, smiling with each name I read. I’ve got notifications from hundreds of fans, many of whose names I recognise despite only meeting them once or twice. I’ve got notifications from Krystie, Mary and Viks from the Angels, from Becca and Adeola, from my friends Jacinta and Ophelia and even a missed call at 3:10 this morning from Alexa, who clearly doesn’t know that I have my phone switched to ‘do not disturb’ between midnight and 6am. After spending about twenty minutes replying to all of my notifications with quick ‘thank you’ messages, I quickly use the toilet before heading downstairs, where I blush as I find not just my parents, but both of my brothers, their partners and my niece waiting for me, along with a large pile of presents and two large balloons shaped like a ‘2’ and a ‘4’.

“Happy birthday!” The assembled crowd all cheer, making me squeak excitedly.

“Aww, you guys!” I reply, giggling as I exchange hugs with all of my family (including an extra-special cuddle with my niece and namesake). “Thank you all so much, this- this really is too much!”

“Oh, shut up and get opening!” Danny says with a snort of laughter, earning himself a punch in the arm from his new wife.

“Ignore him, Steph,” Rachel says with a warm smile. “Though do feel free to get opening!”

“Thanks,” I say in a quiet whisper as a space is cleared for me on the sofa and I start opening my presents.

I get the usual stuff- perfume, clothes, gift cards and a couple of pieces of jewellery- but before I can finish opening my presents, though, I’m interrupted by my phone ringing. A quick glance at the screen shows that it’s the Heavenly Talent main office calling me, so with a wide grin I tap ‘answer’, expecting to receive a personal birthday greeting from either Joshua or Jonathan.

“Hi!” I say with a giggle, only for my smile to fade when I realise it’s neither of my bosses on the other end of the line.

“Umm, hi Steph!” The voice of Carey, Heavenly Talent’s new receptionist, says, clearly surprised by my early morning enthusiasm. “Joshua wants to see you for a meeting at 9:30 this morning. We’re sorry about the short notice, but this simply can’t wait.”

“Oh- umm, okay,” I say, my nerves quickly overtaking my excitement. I can’t think of any reason why Joshua would want us in for a meeting at such short notice, especially with a big party tonight- well, no GOOD reason, anyway. Though Joshua wouldn’t be so heartless as to fire me and/or dissolve the band permanently on my birthday, would he?

“Great, I’ll let JB know you’ll be in for 9:30,” Carey says before ending the call, leaving me feeling- and, judging by the looks of concern on my family’s faces, looking- utterly bewildered.

“Steph?” Mum asks, “Who was that?”

“Umm, the office,” I reply. “I’ve got to go in for a meeting with Joshua at 9:30.”

“That’s only just over an hour away,” dad says. “Couldn’t they have given you more notice? Or better yet, not called you in on your birthday?”

“Well, apparently not,” I sigh as I get up off the sofa. “I guess I’d better get ready for the meeting, heh.”

“It’s still a bit bad of them, calling you in on your birthday like this,” mum snorts.

“Yeah, well, they DO pay my wages, so- yeah,” I sigh, smiling sympathetically as I leave the living room (and leave several of my presents unopened) and head upstairs to get ready.

A short while later, I return to the living room having showered, fixed my make-up and pulled on a smart suit with a fitted blouse and knee-length pencil skirt, along with matching heels. When I return to the living room, I try not to blush at the sight of all of my family looking at me sympathetically.

“Need a lift to the office?” Rachel immediately offers, making me smile.

“Please,” I reply, making sure to give all of my family a hug each before following the blonde-haired woman out to her car. “I’ll be back soon, I promise. Knowing Joshua, this meeting will probably last 3 minutes, he’s not exactly someone who beats around the bush, heh!”

“You’d better be back soon!” Mum chuckles, making me smile, though I sigh as I slide onto the passenger seat of my sister-in-law’s car.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be THAT bad,” Rachel chastises me. “Don’t forget, Joshua’s my boss too, I know him well enough to know he’ll be sensitive not to give you a telling off on your birthday.”

“Well- I guess,” I sigh.

“Has anyone else been called in with you?” Rachel asks.

“Umm, I dunno, I didn’t ask,” I reply, as I suddenly feel my heart beating faster- if I’ve been called in, there’s a good chance that Kayla’s been called in too. “M- maybe?”

“Okay,” Rachel shrugs. “I’m just asking ‘cause if it was a telling-off, Joshua wouldn’t do that in front of others, that’s all.”

“Well- okay, if you say so,” I sigh as we continue toward the centre of the city.

When we arrive outside the Heavenly Talent office, though, I find my stress easing. This is partly due to Rachel's advice but also when I see several expensive cars in the car park- Maseratis, Mercedes and Audis- all cars that I know belong to the Angels or their partners. Sure enough, when I enter the building, I find the reception area crammed with familiar faces and the whole place buzzing with anxious energy. I briefly wonder if I’ve wondered into a stereotypical surprise party, but quickly realise that’s not likely to be the case- firstly, there are still people arriving after me, secondly, a business suit is unusual party attire, and thirdly, and most importantly, 9:15am on a weekday is a very unusual time for a party, surprise or otherwise. Also, Kayla isn’t here yet- though that’s less surprising, given that she’s had to travel up from Southampton on short notice. Assuming she’s coming, anyway…

“Hey Steph!” The familiar voice of one of my bandmates calls, snapping me out of my reverie as she approaches. “Happy birthday!”

“Oh, thanks Becca!” I say with a giggle as I exchange a quick hug with the brown-haired woman. “Any idea why we’re here this early? It doesn’t look like a surprise party…”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Becca sighs. “Though I will admit, when I got the call from Carey, I was REALLY nervous, like, thinking that the band was done for good…”

“Yeah, I kinda- kinda thought the same,” I chuckle nervously. “Have you- have you, like, seen Kayla? Or- or Addie, like…”

“Addie should be here in a couple of minutes,” Becca replies. “Kayla… I- I dunno. I’ve not really spoken to her since the band- well, since October. Then again, me and you haven’t really spoken THAT much either…”

“Well- no, I guess we haven’t,” I mumble. “Sooo… how’s the wedding planning coming?”

“Great!” Becca replies with a genuine grin. “We’re booked in for the weekend after the Rome AngelCon so the weather should be perfect.”

“Cool,” I say with as genuine a smile as I can manage. Before I can think of another awkward question to ask, though, we’re mercifully interrupted by the appearance of the agency’s owner at the top of the stairs, who has an unusually stoic expression on his face. This won’t be good news, then…

“Angels and Out of Heaven, to the conference room please,” Joshua says bluntly as he makes his way down the stairs. “Nikki, Katie- you too. Carey, direct any stragglers to the conference room please.” Okay, I think to myself as I follow the crowd. Maybe it IS a surprise party after all? I find myself biting my lip as we enter the conference room and take our seats, but there are no party decorations anywhere, just the usual pens and paper on the conference table.

“Maybe we’re here to talk about AngelCon?” Krystie speculates as I fidget in my seat, trying to get comfortable as Joshua and Jonathan take their place at the head of the table.

“…You can all relax, you’re not getting fired, it’s good news for once!” Jonathan chuckles. “Unlike the last time we were all gathered in this room.” I try not to frown as I think back to the end of summer 2016, when the Heavenly Talent ‘family’ was nearly destroyed by competition from the inside and the outside. And, more significantly (from my perspective, at least), when our band went from being a 5-piece to a 4-piece.

“Though we are all here on a related matter,” Joshua says, the smile quickly returning to his face. “To cut a long story short: we won!” Naturally, this brings smiles to everyone’s faces- albeit very confused ones.

“What- what exactly have we ‘won’?” Malaika asks. Good question, I think to myself, though the Kenyan Angel’s question only causes Joshua’s smile to widen.

“I keep my ear close to the ground,” Joshua explains. “And what I have heard, and have had confirmed by a reliable source, is that as of this afternoon, the cheap imitators known as ‘Constellation’ will be officially and permanently disbanded.” Constellation being the main ‘enemy’ in the ‘war’ of 2016, I remind myself, which brings a grin to my face- not to mention everyone else’s face!

“How sure are you about this?” Charlotte asks.

“Quite sure,” Joshua replies. “Their contracts have been losing Spencer and Hall money for months, now, and they want to cut their losses and limit the damage as much as they can, which brings me on to my next point- what will happen to their talent. I can imagine many members of Constellation will not be happy remaining with the agency for less money than they were making before.”

“Are we- are we making a raid on them, then?” Jamie asks.

“Not as such,” Jonathan replies. “But we’re not going to outright reject them if they do come calling. Well, with some exceptions, anyway.”

“The blonde beanpole being one of them?” Nikki asks, referring to her former friend and former ‘Teen Angel’ Dannii, whose ‘defection’ to Constellation kicked off the whole ‘war’ in 2016.

“The beanpole that no one will touch with a bargepole,” Jonathan chuckles. “But she might reach out, so you two need to be on your guard.”

“Oh, don’t worry, we will be,” Katie snorts as Nikki nods in agreement.

“As do the three of you,” Joshua says, gesturing toward myself, Becca and Adeola, before grinning as the fourth member of our band walks through the door- which, naturally, makes me squirm in my seat. “Or should I say, four of you!”

“S- sorry…” Kayla mumbles nervously. “The car you sent got caught on the M25 for ages, have- have I missed anything?”

“Only that Constellation have fizzled out,” Adeola replies with a smug grin.

“I thought that happened years ago?” Kayla asks as she sits down at the conference table- noticeably, several seats away from me.

“Officially fizzled out,” Joshua clarifies. “Well, officially when the announcement is made later today.”

“So… are we, like, celebrating or something?” Kayla asks.

“No, we should be magnanimous about this,” Joshua replies. “No gloating on social media, in fact it would be best if you do not mention it on social media at all. If any press or paparazzi approach you for comment, tell them that you have no comment and they should talk to us. But if any member of Constellation reaches out to you personally, you- I shall leave that to your discretion. Heh, but on the topic of ‘celebrating’, we may need to employ more security for tonight, am I right, Stephanie?” I feel my cheeks start to redden as realisation spreads across the faces of everyone present and they turn to me with wide grins- well, all apart from Kayla, anyway…

“Oh yes, I nearly forgot- what with it still being first thing in the morning, hehe!” Adeola giggles as she gives my shoulder a playful squeeze. “Happy birthday, Steph!”

“Heh, th- thanks,” I mumble. “And if- if Lauren wants to come to the party, for the record, I’m okay with that, though I doubt she will, so- yeah. Just as long as you all come!” The excited squeaks I receive from my friends is all the affirmation I need- though again, I can’t help but notice that Kayla’s keeping her mouth shut.

“I will let you get back to your birthday soon, Steph, I promise!” Joshua chuckles. “And let the rest of you get ready for your party as well! But first I have a few more things we all need to go through, so please, settle down, the sooner we get through this the sooner we can celebrate- but only celebrate Steph, of course!” I giggle and blush again as the mood in the room starts to settle down, but even as Joshua speaks, I can’t help but be distracted by Kayla’s presence in the room.

Thankfully, we’re only kept in the conference room for another thirty minutes, and when I leave the room I return to the reception area, waiting in the vain hope that Kayla will want to speak to me before she returns home. Thankfully, this time she spots me the second she walks into reception, our eyes immediately making contact and causing us both to blush and smile.

“H- hi,” I mumble as the petite girl approaches.

“Hi,” Kayla says with an uncertain-looking smile. “Umm, h- happy birthday!”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “Will you- umm, are you, you know, coming to the party tonight? I mean, like, ‘cause you’re living in Southampton again, and you have to travel-“

“Oh, I- I’ll definitely be there, hehe!” Kayla replies. “Wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“Cool,” I say, biting my lip as I try to think of what to say next. Before I can speak, though, my heart sinks as a tall, very attractive young man walks up to us… And links his fingers with Kayla’s.

“Hey babe, are you ready to go?” The young man asks as Kayla grimaces awkwardly.

“Umm, just- just a second, okay?” Kayla asks in a hasty, almost breathless voice as I try my hardest not to cry.

“H- hi, I’m Steph- umm, Stephanie Abbott,” I say, gingerly holding out a hand for the man to shake.

“Declan Bennett,” the young man replies politely, before turning to Kayla. “I’ll wait for you in the car, okay?”

“Sure,” Kayla whispers, before turning to me, almost looking like she’s about to cry herself. “Ah- yeah… Umm, Declan, he- he’s a player for Southampton’s under-21 side, we met when- heh. When I did the ‘disaster concert’ in October, we got chatting, we- umm, yeah…”

“Oh,” I mumble. “Okay. Are you- are you, you know, serious?”

“…Maybe,” Kayla mumbles. “I don’t know, we’ve not been going out long, we- ugh, I- I should go, umm, I’ve got to get back, but I’ll be, you know, back, like, back for the party, and I- I’ll see you tonight, okay, Steph?”

“Sure,” I whisper, fidgeting as I wonder whether to hug Kayla, give her a handshake or simply walk away. In the end, she makes the decision for me and heads out of the reception area, making me feel utterly alone in the crowd- at least, until I see not just a friendly face, but probably the one face I most wanted to see right now.

“Hey,” Janet whispers, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I heard you were in- well, heard you were BOTH in today, are- are you okay?”

“…Not really,” I mumble, before smiling sadly as Janet gives me a gentle, motherly hug and leads me up the stairs to her office, where I slump down into one of her comfortable chairs.

“Do you want a cup of coffee or anything?” Janet offers, her motherly tone continuing to soothe my nerves.

“A latte would be perfect, please,” I reply with a smile, before looking on with confusion as Janet sends a text from her phone.

“We’ve got a new part-time errand girl,” my older friend explains, before sighing sympathetically. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping, but I- I kinda overheard, and I- well, I’d probably better let you talk. If you want to, of course.”

“Thanks,” I sigh. “Just seeing a friendly face, though, is more help than you can imagine.”

“Oh, I dunno, I’ve got a pretty good imagination when it comes to things like that,” Janet retorts, making me smile sympathetically- I know that she doesn’t need an imagination when it comes to the end of a long-term relationship like myself and Kayla, or Janet and her ex-wife.

“Well- ugh,” I spit. “I know we’re not, like, ‘split up’ split up, we’re taking a break, not, like, a ‘break’ break, but- ugh. Her hooking up with a footballer, of all people…”

“Yeah, but are they ‘hooked up’ hooked up?” Janet asks, chuckling quietly as I roll my eyes.

“I’ve met the guy for all of twenty seconds, how should I know?” I moan. “There’s been nothing on Kayla’s Instagram, maybe it’s just a recent thing, maybe they haven’t even, like, you know…”

“Yep,” Janet says, before smiling as her office door opens and a young woman walks through carrying two mugs of coffee. It takes me a while to recognise the brown-haired girl, but it quickly becomes obvious when I see her standing next to her father.

“Thanks, Lindsay,” Janet says, bringing a smile to my face despite my stress- I should’ve recognised the girl as Janet’s daughter from the second I saw her, even if it a surprise to find her working for Heavenly Talent.

“Thanks,” I say, my widening smile causing the young woman to blush. “I thought you were at university?”

“I- I am,” Lindsay replies with a nervous chuckle. “But I don’t have any classes on Thursdays, and I needed some extra money so I asked my dad if she could get me a job and- yeah, heh.”

“And you put her to work as the coffee girl?” I ask Janet, who smirks and rolls her eyes.

“Got to start somewhere,” the older woman shrugs, before smirking as her daughter’s phone beeped to inform her of a new text message.

“…It’s from Nikki,” Lindsay explains. “She wants me to go and grab a bunch of old files or something. I’ll see you later. Gr- great talking to you, Steph!”

“You too!” I say, smiling before letting out a sad sigh as the young woman leaves the office. “…Thanks for this.”

“What, the latte or the distraction?” Janet asks with a knowing smile.

“Both,” I reply. “I dunno. Sometimes I just, you know, feel like I’m all alone?”

“Well, I know how THAT feels too,” Janet says softly. “And I also know it’s a complete load of bull. You helped teach me that, remember? Seems only right that I return the favour.”

“Heh,” I chuckle, before frowning as I remember that I’m not the only member of my ‘extended family’ that’s in need right now. “Have you- have you been to see Ian recently?”

“No,” Janet whispers. “I know Ellie has, though. Are- are you thinking of going to see him?”

“Maybe,” I sigh. “I mean, I want to, I want to be there for my friend, you know? But, like, it’s not like I’ve not got a ton of my own stuff going on… Does that make me selfish?”

“I don’t see why it would,” Janet replies with a shrug. “Don’t pick up anything new if you’re struggling to hold what you’re already carrying.”

“I wouldn’t say I was ‘struggling’ exactly,” I mumble, before sighing. “Okay, maybe I am…”

“Well, I’m only too happy to ‘hold something’ for you when you need me to,” Janet says in her motherly voice. “And I know that Ellie is too, for you AND Ian. God knows she’s ‘held things’ for me in the past, heh.”

“Yeah, heh,” I chuckle. “If she isn’t already aware, Ellie is obviously welcome at my party tonight, as is her flatmate, her sister and, yes, your daughter too. And your daughter’s dad too, hehe!”

“I think it might be a little ‘energetic’ for me,” Janet says with a grin. “But happy birthday anyway, Steph. And I’ll let Ellie and Lindsay know, but I think Ellie’s sister is still under 18 so she might not be able to come- I’ll let Ellie know you’ve invited her as well, though. I take it you accidentally forgot to include Ellie’s boyfriend?”

“Heh, probably,” I reply, fidgeting as mention of Ellie’s relationship reminds me of my own destroyed one with Kayla- and also my potential one with Keiran…

“Well, I’ll make sure to pass on the message,” Janet says with a warm smile, ignorant of or simply ignoring my discomfort. “When are you next seeing Dr Phillips?”

“Umm, Monday,” I reply. “And yes, I’ll be sure to mention what happened with Kayla and what’s-his-name.”

“And- and SRS, too?” Janet asks, again making me fidget, though this time she picks up on it. “Umm, if this is too sensitive a topic, that’s okay, just say ‘shut up Janet’ and I’ll-“

“Shut up Janet,” I interrupt, before sharing a giggle with the older woman.

“That’s absolutely fair enough,” Janet says softly. “And I’m sure you want to get home to spend your special day with your family- though not before I give you this.” I blush as Janet reaches into one of the drawers of her desk and retrieves a small, carefully wrapped package.

“Oh- god, you really didn’t have to…” I mumble as I start unwrapping the gift.

“Yes I did, 100%,” Janet retorts. “It’s just a little something to say, ‘thanks for being a great friend’.” I smile as my friend talks, and my smile widens when I finish unwrapping the gifts to find a set of fancy bath bombs.

“It’s perfect,” I whisper emotionally. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” Janet replies with a smile. “Now I won’t keep you from your family any longer! That and I’m going to have a ton of work to do if what JB just told me is true, heh. I’ll call down to reception and have a cab waiting for you.”

“Thanks,” I say, exchanging a hug with my friend and occasional mentor before leaving her office and making my way back down the stairs to reception. Unsurprisingly, it’s considerably less packed than it was just after Joshua’s presentation as everyone has either gone home or gone back to work- everyone except for the woman who immediately makes her way over to me with a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Hey, Steph,” Nikki says softly. “Happy birthday, hehe! How- how are things going? I kinda saw what happened with Kayla, and-“

“Ugh,” I grunt, making my friend fidget awkwardly as she suddenly stops speaking. “I- ugh, sorry Nikki, it’s just- ugh. I reckon EVERYONE saw that, heh.”

“Anything I can do to help?” Nikki asks, making me bite my lip to keep my from crying- for the second time in about ten minutes, I've been reminded of how many true friends I have.

“Nah, I’ll be okay,” I reply quietly. “You could always come to the party tonight, though. As long as you DON’T sing?” I smirk as an angry look comes over my friend’s face, before she rolls her eyes and sighs.

“That band is broken up,” Nikki reassures me as I giggle. “Anyway, while I’m still sober, heh, do you want a lift home?”

“Nah, thanks, but they’re calling me a cab,” I reply. “And aren’t you going to be REALLY busy dealing with Constellation-related stuff anyway?”

“Meh, I was gonna get Lindsay to drive you,” Nikki replies, before giggling excitedly. “And yes, I’ve got to get back to seeing when and where we can get Angels to talk about Constell-fake-tion, heh! But I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

“Sure,” I whisper, smiling happily as my friend heads back to her office.

Even though I have technically been left alone for the time being, the last ten minutes has proved to me that I truly am never alone if I don’t want to be. I have more friends than I can count and family who truly care for me, even those to whom I’m not related by blood. And yet, I still feel like there is a massive void in my life- one that only one person can fill.

I don’t have long to wait for my ride home, and before long I’m heading back through my parents’ front door, though they are the only ones waiting for me when I enter the living room and kick off my heels.

“Hi Steph,” mum says with a smile. “I’m afraid it’s just us left, Danny and Rachel had to go and open their pub, Tom had to take Stephi to daycare and Amanda has an appointment with her midwife.”

“That’s okay,” I say with a shrug. “I’ll see them all again soon, hehe!”

“In about ten hours, going by my watch,” mum chuckles as I smile. “Was it good news that your boss wanted to give you?”

“…It wasn’t BAD news,” I reply. “That rival Constellation group is officially being disbanded today.”

“Is that the one your Scottish friend left your band to join?” Mum asks.

“Who, Lauren?” I reply. “Yep. She made her bed, it’s her fault if she suddenly finds it uncomfortable, heh. Speaking of ‘uncomfortable’, I’m just going to go and get changed, get out of this suit, heh!”

“Of course,” mum says, smiling as I head up to my old bedroom.

As I exchange my smart blouse and skirt for a slouchy hoodie and pair of thick leggings, I take the time to process the information I was given today- not just about Constellation, but more importantly about Kayla too. Normally, after any major announcement like this from the agency, Kayla and I would spend hours talking about it- sometimes even with Becca and Adeola too. Today, however, we’re simply heading back home, me to my family and Kayla with her footballer ‘friend’. Virtually no words exchanged between us, not even about the announcement. And just to rub salt into the wound, all of this happened on my birthday too…

“Feeling better?” Dad asks as I return to the living room and crash down on the sofa, tucking my legs underneath me and crossing my arms across my chest.

“A bit,” I mumble.

“I’d have thought this would be good news, though?” Mum asks. “About the rival band, if they’re gone it’ll mean less competition for you?”

“Well- true,” I sigh. “Though our sales and streaming figures haven’t been great lately, especially with the band on hiatus… And that- heh. That’s kinda the reason I’m feeling down today, the- the whole band were there at the agency.”

“That’s understandable,” Mum shrugs. “If affects all of them too.”

“…Including Kayla,” I say. “And- and her new boyfriend.” This makes my mother sigh sadly and come over to my sofa for a long, tight hug that I am only too grateful for.

“That girl doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it,” dad snorts.

“Pete,” mum whispers harshly. “Steph, are you- are you okay?”

“Ugh, I- I dunno,” I reply. “I might have felt better if I didn’t find out about this on my birthday, heh. But I- ugh, I dunno. We’ve been on a break for 3 months, maybe- maybe it is time to move on, I dunno. And it- eesh.”

“…’It’ what?” Mum asks.

“It’s- it’s not like I haven’t, well, been ‘looking’ myself,” I mumble, grimacing as mum looks at me disapprovingly. “There’s a guy I’ve met, and we- well, he’s coming to the party tonight as a kind-of, well- kind-of ‘date’ type thing.”

“So- so you and Kayla are really over, then?” Mum asks.

“I- maybe?” I reply, biting my lip to keep myself from crying again. “I dunno. It- it’s probably more up to her than me, anyway.”

“Oh, Steph…” Mum moans, holding me as I slowly weep. “If- if you’re not feeling up to the party tonight, I’ll give your friends a call, explain that-“

“N- no,” I interrupt, drying my eyes and taking a deep breath. “I- that is, the party is the one thing I want most right now. Just to- well, to kick back, celebrate and have fun with my friends.” My many, many friends, I think to myself as I remember the sheer amount of unconditional love I was given this morning. “You can never have too many, right?”

“That's what I've always thought,” mum says with a smile as I try to relax and wonder whether or not in the weeks to come, Kayla will become my friend- or whether or not we may even return to being ‘more than friends’, as we were before. Maybe there’s even a chance- albeit a slim one- that Declan and I will become friends…

I stay at my parents’ house for the rest of the daytime, opening the rest of my presents, eating a quick lunch and dinner and posting a few ‘thank you’ videos to my social media in reply to the many, many birthday greetings I have received from my fans today. Eventually, though, the time comes for me to get ready for tonight, and despite the stress of earlier today, I have a grin on my face as I open my wardrobe and see the dress I’d brought with me especially for the party.

Needless to say, I have a LOT of options when it came to what to wear tonight. However, the dress I have in mind for tonight is one I’d picked out a long time ago. Like most of my party dresses, this one is very short, coming to mid-thigh, and very form-fitting too. It’s long sleeved, but leaves my shoulders and neckline completely bare, requiring me to exchange my comfortable bra for a strapless one while the tightness of the dress means I need to swap my comfortable briefs for a matching thong. While the dress is plain, lacking any kind of pattern, it is made of a stretchy black fabric that glistens in the light, almost like my body was covered in a million individual stars. It’s the same fabric that was used in our costumes for a music video we shot last year- though back then, we were wearing catsuits instead of dresses. And back then, I spent the evening after the shoot trying (and ultimately only barely succeeding) to pull on Kayla’s catsuit while mine was like a baggy onesie on her…

I try to put those thoughts out of my mind as I sit down to fix my hair and make-up- nothing too outlandish, but enough to make me feel like a million dollars, just like my dress. After fixing a couple of chips in my nail polish, I douse myself in a cloud of my favourite perfume, slip my feet into my most expensive pair of black pumps (with a 4” stiletto heel, naturally) and grab my clutch bag, before pausing to look at myself in the mirror.

By any objective standard, I am good looking- and not just 'for a trans girl', as I've seen in my social media comments far too many times. I have a slender, curvaceous body and a cute face even without make-up. Years on HRT mean I rarely get misgendered anymore, and I've even made the occasional 'top 100 most attractive women' lists in the lads' mags- and while I outwardly dismiss those lists as objectifying women (which they do), inwardly, I see it as an absolute win every time I'm included in them. There are thousands of men- and thousands of women, too- who’d give their right arm for me to be their girlfriend, even disregarding the fact that I'm also very, very wealthy. I could even get my own footballer if I wanted to… but the fact is that I don’t want to. I only want Kayla- or at least, I thought I did. But she apparently doesn’t want me, at least not anymore. Maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for in Keiran, or maybe someone else. All I know is that tonight is my birthday party- MY party- and I’m damn sure not going to let Kayla, Declan or anyone else get me down.

“Very beautiful!” Mum gushes as I head downstairs and pose in my expensive dress.

“Thanks!” I reply with a giggle.

“No fancy dress party this year, then?” Dad asks with a grin.

“Ah- no, thankfully I was able to talk Jamie out of it,” I chuckle. “So instead of ‘fancy dress’ we’re having- well, ‘fancy dresses’ instead, hehe!”

“’Fancy’ is a bit of an understatement!” Mum chuckles, before sighing and smiling as a car’s horn beeps from outside. “That’ll be your taxi. Have fun tonight, Steph- will you be staying here tonight or going back to your flat?”

“Back to my flat,” I reply, smiling sympathetically as mum nods- despite me being 24, I’m still the baby of the family and she’s always preferred me living under her roof. However, I AM an adult, and I do love my Notting Hill home. Even if I did love it more when Kayla was living there too…

“Well- have fun, and we’ll see you when we see you,” dad says as he and mum give me a hug each before I leave the house.

A short while later, I’m walking up the long driveway that leads to the house of the Hartley family, grinning as I hear the music already pumping from the living room. As always, I knock on the front door rather than let myself in, and as always, I’m greeted by the grinning face of Jamie-Lee Milton, who rolls her eyes and chuckles when she opens the door.

“Guests of honour don’t need to knock, you know what!” Jamie giggles as she gives me a gentle hug so as to not crease either of our clothes. “And I ADORE that dress! Where did you get it?”

“Had it custom made,” I reply with a smug grin.

“Sarah, Lauren or Ophelia?” Jamie asks, giggling and rolling her eyes again as I remain silent. “Never mind. They’re all here tonight, I’m sure I can pry it out of one of them, hehe!”

“Sounds like everyone’s here tonight!” I giggle as I hang my coat up in the cloakroom before following my friend to the main party room.

“Well- you’re probably right!” Jamie says with a giggle as she throws open the doors to the party room and I’m almost deafened by the cheers of my friends.

“Happy birthday Steffiboots- well, Steffipumps, hehe!” Adeola cheers as she gives me a tight hug.

“Happy birthday Steph!” Becca says, taking over the hug from her best friend before I even have the chance to draw breath.

“Thank you both, thank you all!” I excitedly squeal. “This is- this is just, well, wow!”

“It’s what you deserve, birthday princess!” Nikki says, giggling as she emerges from the crowd with a sparkling tiara that she places on my head, before leading me to a fancy throne that’s been set up at the end of the room. Naturally, after sitting in my throne I have to ‘endure’ several minutes of having my photo taken, though as I’m being photographed, I take the opportunity to scan the faces of the crowd to see who’s here- in particular, to see if Kayla and/or Keiran are here today. After several sweeps of the room, I can’t see either of their faces, though as the impromptu photoshoot draws to an end my jaw drops when I see an unexpected face walk through the door of the party room.

“Happy birthday, Steph!” The familiar- albeit not heard in years- voice of Lauren McTavish says as she approaches and gives me an awkward hug.

“Th- thanks,” I say, smiling nervously as the petite Scottish girl. “So, umm… they let you in, then?”

“Oh- funny girl!” Lauren snorts, giving me a gentle shove before sighing and smiling. “I dunno if you’ve heard, but this is no’ enemy territory for me anymore, so- well, yeah. I figured it was, like, fate that I find myself out of a job on your birthday, so-“ Lauren pauses and bites her lip as Becca and Adeola approach us with angry looks on their faces.

“Well, well, well,” Becca says with a snarl that I can immediately tell isn't genuine, but simply teasing. “And you thought you could just crawl right back, did you?”

“I- I’m not fucking crawling anywhere,” Lauren says defensively, before rolling her eyes as my two bandmates giggle. “…Hilarious, you two.”

“Ah, but seriously, though,” Adeola says as she gives the Scottish girl a hug. “I didn’t think I’d see you THIS quickly, hehe! Have you already re-signed with HT?”

“Not even spoken to them yet,” Lauren replies. “Technically I’m still on Spencer and Hall’s books, but they’ve let me know that with Constellation losing them millions, I shouldn’t expect any work anytime soon… And, well, on that topic I kinda- kinda heard about the band, and- and you two…” I pause and bite my lip as Lauren tentatively looks in my direction.

“Ehh- yeah…” I grimace as we all start to fidget uncomfortably.

“Is she- I mean, is Kayla gonna be here tonight?” Lauren asks. “I mean, like, ‘cause it’d be the first time in three years that all five of us- ehh, never mind…”

“Nah, there’s no reason she wouldn’t be here,” I reply with a shrug, mentally adding ‘I hope’ to the end of my sentence. Before any of us can say anything else, though, the smile returns to my face when I see another familiar face enter the party room- the one face I most wanted to see right now.

“Oh- hey!” The young man says with a grin as he approaches the four of us with a small, carefully wrapped gift. “Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Keiran,” I say softly, trying not to grimace as Lauren looks at me with confusion, while Becca and Adeola have very disapproving looks on their faces. “Umm… We- we’ll chat in a bit, okay? Think I- I, umm, think I’m meant to stay on this throne for a bit, heh!”

“Sure,” Keiran whispers, obviously trying not to blush as I smile at him while he walks away.

“…What?” I ask defensively, even though I know precisely the reason for the looks on my friends’ faces.

“You moved on quickly, then?” Becca says accusingly, making me roll my eyes and shake my head.

“Okay,” I say, taking a deep breath. “First, it isn’t quick, Kayla and I have been on a break for 3 months and I’ve known Keiran for 6. Second, it’s not like Kayla hasn’t found herself a footballer to cling to, as we all saw this morning. Third… It’s MY party and I’ll flirt if I want to.”

“O- okay, jeez,” Becca snorts. “It’s your life, and if you think you’ll be happier with Keiran, then you go for it, I guess.”

“Well- that’s what I’m gonna find out,” I retort, before internally sighing as Becca and Adeola’s fiancés appear to escort them away, leaving me alone with my Scottish ex-bandmate.

“…They’ve got a point though, Steph,” Lauren says softly, grimacing as I roll my eyes. “Seriously, like, I follow both of you on social media- under a pseudonym, like, so Spencer and Hall don’t get mad- and you both seemed to really come alive when you were together.”

“…Spencer and Hall really control who you can and can’t follow on social media?” I ask.

“They’re tyrants, nothing like Joshua,” Lauren replies. “And stop changing the subject! Why- why did you two even take a break, anyway?”

“I-“ I start to reply, before sighing as I realise that I don’t actually know the answer to my friend’s question. Was it because Kayla loved fame more than she loved me? Was it because I couldn’t cope with the stress of carrying on a relationship in the public eye? Maybe it was because we lived together and were constantly under each other’s feet. Or maybe it was because deep down, I knew that Kayla deserved way, WAY better than me… The only thing I know for certain is that it WASN’T because I stopped loving Kayla. Because I haven’t. And I can’t imagine I ever will, no matter how much easier that might make things…

“…I need a drink,” I sigh, stepping off my throne and making my way around the corner of the room to the bar, where I smirk as I see my brother in his usual spot serving drinks.

“And what can I get the birthday girl?” Danny asks.

“An explanation as to why they’ve put you to work today, maybe?” I reply, smirking as my brother rolls his eyes.

“I’m just filling in until Chris gets here,” Danny replies (Chris being the name of a Heavenly Talent model who does mixology as a hobby and is the usual bartender at Charlotte’s parties). “Nice tiara by the way.”

“You should see the throne they put me in,” I say with a smug grin as Danny hands me a glass of champagne.

“Who d’you think Keith roped in to lift it in here and set it up?” Danny retorts, making me giggle. “And am I imagining things, or did I hear the voice of your ex-bandmate around the corner just now?”

“Umm… No, I haven’t even seen Kayla yet,” I mumble.

“Right…” Danny says. “She also doesn’t have a Scottish accent, unlike the girl I was ACTUALLY referring to.”

“Ah- yeah…” I grimace. “Umm- yeah, Lauren’s here too…”

“Is she rejoining the band, then?” Danny asks. “Well, umm, assuming that the rest of you, like, get back together too- professionally speaking, I mean-“ I gulp down my champagne and place the glass back on the bar, gesturing for my brother to refill it- which thankfully also shuts him up.

“…I don’t know,” I sigh. “About any of your questions. If Lauren does re-sign for the agency, there’s bound to be a million legal thingies Spencer and Hall put in her contract to make life difficult for her, so- yeah. I dunno. Maybe. I mean it’d be nice, but-“ But so would Kayla rejoining the band, I think to myself ruefully.

“Well, anyway, it’s a nice birthday surprise, if nothing else,” Danny says, smiling sympathetically as I take my second glass of champagne and head back to my ‘throne’. Before I get three feet, however, I frown as I nearly run into the last person I wanted to see right now.

“Oh, hey Steph,” Declan says as I fidget uncomfortably. Of course, she’d invite him of all people to MY party.

“Hi Declan,” I mumble, my cheeks burning as I look everywhere but into his face- and I quickly find the person I was looking for. “Excuse me…” I force the smile back on my face as I head over to where the group of four men are stood talking, before tapping on the shoulder of the one I'm looking for.

“Huh? Oh- oh, hi Steph!” Keiran says with a grin that I mirror. “They let you off your throne, then?”

“For now,” I reply. “So… What are you four talking about?”

“How awesome this party is, for one thing,” Troy laughs. “And how we live together but this is the first time I’ve actually seen you today.”

“Feeling jealous, are we?” I tease, smirking as my flatmate rolls his eyes. “Anyway, Keiran, do you- you know, want to go somewhere and- well, like, chat?” I bite my lip and try not to blush as the other men all jeer playfully- even though the handsome trans man's cheeks do redden.

“Umm, sure,” Keiran mumbles, smiling as I link my fingers with his. I grin as I turn around and head back to my throne, but before I can take a single step my eyes immediately meet the jade-coloured eyes of my former flatmate and girlfriend. Instinctively, I pull my hand free from Keiran’s, but this isn’t enough to keep tears from forming in Kayla’s eyes as she rushes out of the party room.

As she runs, I feel myself being torn in two inside as a million questions once again flood my mind. Why did I take Keiran’s hand, anyway? Why is Kayla so upset anyway, seeing as she obviously came with Declan? Why did she come, knowing that seeing her with Declan would upset me just like it did this morning? Why does seeing her with Declan upset me? Why did I get with Kayla in the first place? Why did we start our ‘break’? And most importantly of all… should I stay with Keiran or chase after Kayla?

However, unlike all of the other questions, that last one only takes me a microsecond to answer.

“Kayla, wait!” I say, chasing the petite girl out of the party room as fast as my heels will carry me and following her into Charlotte’s powder room. “Kayla, p-please-“

“S- so, you and Keiran, then?” Kayla asks, her mouth trembling.

“Kayla, I- I-“ I stammer.

“Because if that- if that’s what you want, then- well, that’s fair enough,” Kayla says, taking several deep breaths to calm herself before rummaging through her handbag for her mascara, which has already become ruined.

“If I wanted Keiran, why would I be in here with you?” I ask, making Kayla pause. What feels like an eternity passes as she slowly looks at me, the pain in her eyes gradually fading. Almost in slow motion, she steps toward me, places her hands on my arms and stands on her tiptoes to press her lips firmly against mine.

It's not the most passionate kiss we’ve ever shared. It might not even be the most loving kiss we’ve ever shared. And yet, it might be the one whose memory I treasure the most- even more than our kiss on stage at AngelCon, or even our first kiss all the way back in October 2017. It’s the kiss that answers all of my questions, that reminds me why I was with Kayla in the first place. And if I needed even further reminders, Kayla quickly gives them to me.

“I- I love you, Steph,” Kayla whispers, tears again flowing freely from her eyes.

“I love you too,” I whisper as I also openly weep and exchange another kiss with the woman I love. Why on Earth did it take this long? I think to myself. 3 months of being apart, even longer questioning what I really wanted when it was staring me in the face all along, as has always been the case for me- whether it's Kayla, or coming out to my parents, or even simply transitioning in the first place. I used to think that you only regret the things you don’t do. But god knows, if I’d let Kayla slip away, I would have regretted that more than anything I have ever done or not done.

“So… back together, then?” I ask, grinning as Kayla giggles and rolls her eyes.

“If I could travel back in time so that we were never apart the last three months, I would,” Kayla sighs. “You’re all I ever wanted, Steph. I- I really, really missed you over the last few months.”

“I missed you too,” I sigh. “Just seeing you again made me realise that.”

“Me too,” Kayla says. “But- but, umm, Keiran…?” I grimace as I realise that Kayla and I aren’t the only ones who’ll be affected by our getting back together- as always, there are other people caught up in the middle of our drama. Though it’s taken until now for me to realise that I’m okay with this- as long as it means that I- that we can be happy.

“I- I’ll let him down gently,” I say. “He’s not a bad guy, I just- I just don’t love him, heh. And- and, umm, Declan?”

“Ugh,” Kayla sighs. “I’ll talk to him. Though it’s not like we’ve been, you know, ‘physical’… Never even kissed, heh.”

“…From everything you’ve said in the past, you being with a 6’ 1” footballer did come as a bit of a shock,” I say, making Kayla giggle.

“Like I told you, we got chatting after I did that fucking show at the Leicester match,” Kayla snorts. “And I thought, you know, just a contingency if we never get back together… He’ll be alright. He once played for England’s under-19 team.”

“…Once?” I ask, smirking as Kayla giggles again and rolls her eyes.

“You wouldn’t know it was just once listening to him try to get free drinks in bars,” Kayla chuckles. “But he’s not THAT bad, not really. You’ve got to, you know, have a bit of confidence if you’re going to be famous, right?”

“Well, we’ve had five years of learning THAT lesson,” I say, before sighing. “And we’re going to need to make another announcement to all our fans, all our followers on social media…”

“Nah,” Kayla shrugs, surprising me. “Let’s just pick up from where we left off. We’ll let the fans put the pieces together themselves. Some things are way, way more important than fame.”

“…I love you so, so much,” I say, sighing happily as Kayla leans into my arms and we simply hold each other.

“…You do want to enjoy your party, though, right?” Kayla asks, making me grin as we both hastily repair our make-up.

“Well, duh!” I giggle, putting the finishing touches to my mascara before grabbing my girlfriend’s hand and leaving the powder room.

What neither of us was expecting, though, was for virtually everyone at the party to be waiting outside the room for us- some are even on the stairs, for crying out loud- all of whom have wide grins on their faces as they watch the two of us walk back into the party room… where a second chair has been placed next to my ‘throne’. Whispers of ‘finally’ and ‘about fucking time’ accompany us as Kayla and I sit down in our seats, before giggling and sharing a quick kiss, earning a loud cheer from the crowd. I bite my lip and blush as I gaze out at the crowd and my eyes meet Keiran’s, but much to my relief, he simply smiles and shrugs, before giving me a thumbs-up and mouthing the words ‘happy for you’ to me. Before I can reply, though, Kayla and I are smothered in a group hug from three other women- all of whom have wider grins than us!

“Yes yes yes!” Adeola squeaks as she almost squeezes the life out of me and Kayla. “It’s about time! You- you’re not faking us out, right?”

“As if we would?” Kayla snorts, before giggling as Becca leans in and gives her a tight hug.

“I’ll let my brother know he’s due back at work on Monday,” Becca says smugly, before biting her lip. “Oh… Umm, this does- this does mean that the band is back together, right?” Kayla and I giggle as we exchange a glance before simultaneously rolling our eyes.

“…If you’ll have us?” I say, before squealing as we’re enveloped in yet another tight group hug!

“Like the band would be the same without any of us?” Becca replies. “Any of the FIVE of us.”

“Ahh…” Lauren says, blushing as she stares at her shoes. “I- umm, tonight’s, you know, not MY night… Think there’s a lot more, you know, work needs to be done before things can go back to the way they were, heh.”

“There wasn’t for us,” Kayla says softly as she holds on tight to my hand. “There was just- well, facing up to the truth.”

“Well, then,” Becca says commandingly. “With all this talk of ‘truth’, I think there’s only one song we can sing then. All five of us, even if it’s just for one night only.”

“Really?” I ask. “We’re celebrating us getting back together with a song about kicking out a lying douchebag of an ex?”

“This band has always been a bit ironic,” Adeola chuckles, making me smile sadly.

“God knows there are people who’d call it ironic calling us a ‘girl’ band,” I sigh, though before Adeola can reply, she's interrupted by our 'fifth member'.

“Oh- that's bullshit, Steph, and you know it,” Lauren says. “You’re as much as girl as any of the four of us. You always have been, and you know THAT too.”

“…Thanks,” I whisper, before smiling confidently as Becca reaches into a cupboard at the side of the room and fishes out five microphones for us. “It’s showtime, girls!”

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Becca yells into her microphone, momentarily silencing the party. “It is my very great pleasure to announce that as of today, the 23rd of January 2020, Our of Heaven are officially back!” My grin widens as this announcement gets cheers from the crowd, though I know Becca’s not done yet. “And for one night only, the original line-up of Britain’s best girl band will sing just for you! Stu? Track nine, please?”

“Coming right up,” Stuart says with an eager smile as he plugs his phone into the room’s speakers, and within seconds, his loud guitar and synthesiser intro is filling the room.

“I can see it in your eyes, you think you’ve won,” Becca sings, her grin wider than ever.
“But I know every single thing you’ve done.”
“I won’t swallow any more of your lies,” Adeola continues.
“It’s about time that we said our goodbyes!”

“You don’t lie to me,” all five of us practically yell into our microphones.
“I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!

You don’t lie to me,
I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!”

“You think you’re cool, that you’re such a big show,” I sing, grinning as the cheers from the audience intensify.
“But I know everything that you know.”
“I am not gonna take it anymore,” Lauren sings.
"The only place you’re going is out the door!”

“You don’t lie to me,” we all sing again.
“I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!

You don’t lie to me,
I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!”

“Lie to us, you’re on your own,” Kayla sings, her voice as pitch perfect as ever.
"It’s your fault if you’re alone.
You will never see us cry,
We won’t hear another lie!”

“You don’t lie to me,” we all sing once again.
"You don’t lie to me,
You don’t lie to me,
I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!

You don’t lie to me,
I can see it in your eyes.
You don’t lie to me,
You don’t lie to me,
You don’t lie to me,
No more lies!”

The five of us pose as the crowd showers us with genuine adulation. It’s far from the first time we’ve performed our signature song, we’re not wearing stage costumes and it’s probably the smallest crowd we’ve ever performed in front of, but it still feels like our most special performance ever. And this is without a shadow of a doubt my most special birthday ever. Not just because of the presents, or the party, or the band’s reconciliation- or even my reconciliation with Kayla. No, the reason today feels special is because I now know unambiguously that this is where I belong. These people are my family in every way that matters, just as I am theirs. All my life, I’ve often felt like an outsider, whether it’s because I grew up with two older brothers, or how I felt when the band started, or even when I fell out with Jamie- or simply because of being trans. It’s taken me almost five years to get there, but I now know that this is my life, the way it was always meant to be.

My euphoria stays heigh even after we’ve returned home and I’m cuddled up in my bed alongside the woman I love- and who I know loves me.

“Best birthday ever,” I whisper, earning a smile from my girlfriend.

“I’m glad,” Kayla whispers turning slightly in my arms so as to prop herself up on her elbows. “And- and I’m sorry if I’m, like, bringing the mood down, but- but I really can’t wait to get back to work with the band!”

“Nah, it’s okay, I can’t wait either!” I giggle. “Whether that’s all four of us or all five of us, heh.”

“Yeah…” Kayla sighs. “I dunno. I mean, I’m happy to have Lauren as a friend again, but- the band just seemed better as a 4-piece, you know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say. “We were definitely more united, like, me and you were closer to Becca and Adeola, but- heh. If today’s proved anything, it’s that more friends are better than fewer. No reason all 5 of us couldn’t be as close as the 4 of us became.”

“Other than the contract negotiations Jonathan and Joshua will have to have with Spencer and Hall,” Kayla snorts, before smiling and settling back into my embrace. “But me and you don’t need to worry about that right now. Or ever, heh!”

“Nope,” I say with a grin.

“And it was kind of Troy to offer to not renew his contract with the landlord when it runs out,” Kayla muses. “I can get used to sharing a bed and a bedroom with you for the next few months, heh!”

“Same here,” I say as I start to drift off to sleep.

“Even if you might need some space after your SRS,” Kayla says, suddenly snapping me back to reality. Maybe my stress isn’t completely over just yet…

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Stayla, you've got me on my knees...

Yet another power couple are back together... Though the story isn't over yet, not by a long way. And the couple's next 'bumps in the road' may be sooner than they expect...

Upcoming chapters can be found in the usual place. I'll try to get Ian 21 up next weekend but I'm not making any promises.

Since We Seem...

...to have reached January 2020 -- though you weren't as snarky about it here as you seemed to be in "Twins" -- there are quite a lot of bumps in the road ahead that we know about and the characters don't...

Eric