Part 8 of 29

Wednesday, July 10
Who was that idiot that ended the last entry talking about how much fun this summer is going to be? He must have been insane. Well, maybe not insane, but he sure wasn't looking very far ahead. Today has been quite a revelation.

I got quite an education in gender expectations. The feminist kind, that is. Just when I was thinking I had this girl stuff down pat I learned the truth. It's one thing to take the bus and go shopping, people don't pay much attention to you when you're just one more person you're passing. Being in the library is a whole different thing. The people there expect to come up and talk to you all day long, and believe me, it's a whole lot harder to act like a girl when you have an attentive audience. It's even harder when there are hecklers in the audience.

Working in a library full of books has it's good points - all those lovely books to read and learn from. The problem is that someone has to put all those books back on the shelves. Someone like the interns. I may look like a girl but I feel like a mule. Just load up them saddle bags and trot off to unload them, the load 'em up again! My boobs keep getting in the way. Never thought of that when I made my decision.

I was shelving books when this guy comes up to me and asks "Hey Honey, where do I find books on weightlifting?"

The guy was obviously a weightlifter, he had muscles on his muscles and pecs that were big enough I wanted to loan him a bra. Any more help in the weightlifting department and all the guy would need is short blonde hair to qualify as a Greek God. He made me feel like a wimp, and I had to try extra hard to remember I was a girl as far as he was concerned.

I tried to explain where to find the book but he just didn't get it, so I took him over there. I reached up on the top shelf for an illustrated book to show him and damned if he didn't grab my ass! I darn near whacked him over the head with the book but I remained a proper lady.

"Here you are, sir. Is this the type of thing you were looking for?"

"Yeah. Thanks, sugar."

"You're welcome, sir. At least to the book. I hope you enjoy it."

I was so pissed that I just walked away, seething. Damned chauvinist bastard, how dare he?

I was still angry by break time, when I told Mary Ann about the jerk. She just laughed.

"Angel honey, get used to it. He wasn't the one who didn't get it when he asked for directions. Couldn't you see he was setting you up?"

"He was?"

"You really are an innocent. Maybe you have to grow up as a woman to realize how many jerks there out there that will treat you like that. It's a small percentage, but you still get to meet a lot of them. You need to learn to watch your ass, and your boobs too, just like any other girl does. I'll give you 10 to 1 that somebody cops a feel off you before the summer is over, right out in public between the bookshelves."

"Mary Ann!"

"Bet on it, honey. You aren't the sexiest thing on the planet, but some guy is going to think you're good enough to grab on to if he thinks he can get away with it."

I brooded about the incident for the rest of the day. I didn't say much at lunch and ended up being late for my break in the afternoon. I had been sitting there moping for a few minutes when Chuck came in. I guess it was pretty obvious I was upset, because he sat beside me and asked what was wrong.

"Nothing." How was I going to tell him?

"Sure. Angel, I've only known you a couple of days, but it's long enough to know you aren't your usual self. You seem to be pretty quiet, but today you aren't there."

"That bad, huh?"

"Well, not completely vacant, but withdrawn. What happened?"

So I told him. He was more sympathetic than Mary Ann, at least, and had the good grace to be indignant at the jerk's behavior. I felt better when I had unloaded on him and I swear he was ready to hug me when we left, but stopped himself.

Which messed me up again, because I would have appreciated that hug. The whole thing is completely screwed up! A guy pretending to be a girl who gets upset at a jerk grabbing his ass and then wants a hug from another guy to make him feel better. I'm going to bed before I go completely crazy.
 

Friday, July 12
My feet hurt! Mary Ann says that I'm stupid to try and compete with Beth by wearing high heels, even if I do have nice legs. I don't think I was trying to compete (that's a guy thing and I'm a girl for the duration!), but I just wanted to wear those shoes.

I wore a peasant blouse with a neckline that was just barely higher than my bra line (I wish I had some cleavage, that would be fun) and a very full skirt that swirled around my legs with every step. Mary Ann told me the high heels looked great on me, but I just didn't know how much they would hurt!

The work week's over. By the time I got home yesterday I was too pooped to write, I just cuddled up with Mary Ann and was out like a light in my clothes. Woke up about midnight with my breast form half way out of my bra cup, then tried to undress quietly and put on my nightgown without waking her, but I tripped over my pantyhose and woke her up. We were both awake, so we made love - what a great way to go back to sleep with her in my arms!

This internship stuff is no picnic, we really do work! I learned how to use the computer system at the library. These days, when someone asks for the 'Card Catalog' it means they haven't been in a library since before I was born. Did they really have to go through drawers of paper to find a book once upon a time? Scary!
 

I guess I've got to admit it - I need glasses. I've been kind of suspecting it for a while now, but I knew if I told my parents I would end up with a pair of thick, black, plastic frames that were ugly as sin. Since I've had sin preached to me since I was old enough to talk, I knew just how ugly they would be. Doing so much close work has made it obvious I have to do something about it.

The good part is now that I'm not living with my parents I can choose my own frames and get something I will like. I asked Grandpa where I could get an eye exam and he just took out his cell phone and called right then and there. I would dearly love to have a cell phone, but no way with my father. Too much money, too many temptations. Those things have video games on them - Satan's snares for the unwary.

Yeah, right!

Anyway, I have an eye exam tomorrow. Instant service!
 

I got another surprise today. When Mary Ann and I had been cruising the stores we could always find a 'one holer'. (Grandpa's term for it. He made me look up the source and you don't want to know about it, believe me!) For the first couple of days I had managed to use the accessible restroom (also a 'one holer') but my luck ran out about 10 AM this morning. I had never thought of how often women use the bathroom in groups.

I was shelving books with Jenny, the head of the fiction department, and Beth. I held out for almost an hour, but realized I was being stupid. The worst part was I didn't even have Mary Ann around for support, she was off in another department.

"I need to take a break, Jenny." I waved vaguely toward the location of the bathrooms.

"I feel the need to powder my nose myself. C'mon girls!"

Oh joy, company. I like Jenny a lot, she reminds me a lot of how Grandpa must have been when he was younger, funny and irreverent and thoroughly competent. Not too surprising since she told me that Grandpa was the one who hired her way back when. She looks like a typical Soccer Mom, which she is, her kids are just a little younger than I am.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to push open the door with a little figure in a skirt on it when you have company? Must have weighted ten tons and had rusty hinges.

In the last couple of days there had not been the slightest indication that anyone thought I was anything other than a normal girl. No odd glances, no double takes, nothing. I followed them into the ladies room and quickly closed the stall door, sat down and did my business. I was going to make a dive for the door, but I noticed in the big mirror that my wig was in need of a brushing.

So I did what should have been natural. I still worry about the wig. It's a real good one, but there's always this fear it will fall off. I sent off a little prayer (Dad would be proud), then I took the brush out of my purse and used it. Gently. Boy am I glad I didn’t have to do anything with my makeup! I'm not very good yet, which is why Mary Ann only lets me use a little bit of foundation. No mascara or stuff that might need repair.

Jenny appeared at my side and took a brush to her hair.

"Angel?"

It took me a second to realize she was talking to me. Guys don't talk in the bathrooms!

"Yes?"

"If it's not too personal, why do you wear a wig?"

She'd noticed. I blessed Grandpa for his coaching, because I had an answer ready.

"My mother tried to give me a permanent and it went terribly wrong. I had to cut it all off and let it all grow back in. Without a wig I look like a fuzzy egg."

"Well, your wig looks quite nice, but I think it would be a pain to wear wig all the time and was curious. And don't worry, it's not an obvious wig. It's just that my mother wore one for years and I know what to look for. Ready to go back and pump paper?"

"I'm going to have muscles big enough to try for Miss Universe when the summer's over."

"I bet you didn't know that half the contestants are librarians."

"I thought librarians were mousy old women with high collars and pursed lips that whispered 'Be quiet!' all the time."

"Like your Granddad?"

"That's the problem with education. It's hard to keep those nice, comforting stereotypes intact. These days it's hard to tell a librarian from a computer nerd." I replied.

"Marion the Librarian doesn't have a job any more."

"Huh?"

"Jeez, Angel!" Beth had joined us. "Haven't you ever seen The Music Man?"

"We weren't allowed to see many movies in my house. Dad thought they were a corrupting influence."

"All the more reason to watch them! I'm all for corruption, especially if he looks like Robert Preston." Beth had a faraway look in her eyes.

"Somehow," Jenny responded, "I wouldn't have pegged you as an old movie buff, Beth."

"He may be old, but I wouldn't mind sliding his trombone, if you know what I mean!" She fluttered her hands in an unmistakable illustration. Did women actually talk like this?

"He's dead, girl, but I know what you mean. They don't age when they end up on film."

"So who's this Marion?" I asked.

"The prim and proper librarian who was his love interest in the movie. She would never think of sliding his trombone, she was too pure and innocent." Jenny replied. "She probably never even got laid down in the stacks, even when she was an intern. Play your cards right, Angel, and I bet you could get a quickie from Chuck down in the stacks before the summer's over."

I must have shown how shocked I was, because Beth started laughing and pretty soon Jenny was laughing too.

Fer cryin' out loud, this was as bad as the talk in the locker room at school. I never felt too comfortable with it back then and certainly wasn't comfortable with it now. Me and Chuck? They naturally misread my objections, which I guess is a good thing.

"Better hurry up if you want to get him first, Angel, or should we work together and flip to see who gets sloppy seconds? Think you could blow his trombone after I'm done with him, girl?"

"Beth, we're shelving fiction, not writing fantasy." Jenny sounded stern but she was about a millimeter away from bursting into laughter. "There's work to be done, ladies."

"Just take the video out this weekend and you'll see what I mean." Beth said as we trooped out of the ladies room.
 

I really like Jenny, she's fun to work with. Everybody is, there is a good feeling at the library. Naturally we interns spend a lot of time together, especially at breaks. Chuck was waiting for me in the break room.

"You look a lot happier today, Angel." He said as he gave me quick hug. He barely touched my shoulders, but he hugged me! The funny thing was I didn't mind it, not like the jerk who grabbed my ass the day before. It was just a spontaneous gesture between friends.

OK, I liked it but I don't understand it. This whole thing just keeps getting more complicated. Actually wearing a bra is still the greatest thing that has happened to me. (Except you, Mary Ann!) I can't help but get a kick out of fooling everyone into thinking I'm a girl, but am I doing too good a job at it? It's one thing to get your butt pinched by a stranger, but having a guy you know hug you because he thinks you're a girl is just plain confusing!

Was he trying to come on to me? I don't think so but, as Mary Ann pointed out I didn't grow up a girl so I never learned to recognize the signs from this side of the gender gap. Not that I ever tried to seduce anyone, (you seduced me, snoopy Mary Ann, not the other way around) even if I thought about it. Face it, I don't have the slightest idea how to go about seducing a woman; my Dad made sure of that.

Yucch, I think I'm getting maudlin. Do girls do this sort of stuff? Am I learning to be a girl all too well? I wish I knew!
 

Saturday, July 13
Sometimes I think Mary Ann lives for the telephone. She's always the first one to answer, (with a formal "Wilson residence") and if no one calls her she calls someone else. Do I have to learn to have long, wandering conversations if I'm going to be a girl? Well, as long as it's Mary Ann on the other end of the phone a long, wandering conversation is just fine with me, but now that we are living together that's no longer necessary.

She's had been talking with her mother for a good hour when I heard her say "Angel loved the red bra and panty we got her for graduation, she's wearing it now. It looks very cute on her."

No doubt about it, I can still panic with the best of them. My heart must have stopped dead, then made up for it by shooting up to about 500 beats a minute! She told her mother! I must have made some sort of noise, like maybe an anguished scream and then a death rattle of terminal embarrassment, because she stopped talking and looked at me.

"Don't be silly, Angel, of course Mom knows. She and Daddy want to visit and meet the new you. Want to bet they buy you a nice new outfit when they come?" She returned to the phone. "I am not being mean, Mother. Angel just worries too much. You're going to love her as much as I do."

Not that Mary Ann stopped talking, but I stopped listening. Her mother helped Mary Ann buy a bra for me? What would my mother do if my sister asked her to help buy a bra for her boyfriend? I can't even begin to put that scene down on paper. Impossible! Every time I think I'm getting used to being Angel the Girl I find out that I have a lot to learn.
 

Had my eyes examined today. Yup, I do need glasses. I called home and fortunately talked to my mother. She'll take care of all the paperwork and insurance stuff, all I had to do is give her the info on the optometrist and give them the insurance numbers. I picked out a pair of really sweet gold-rimmed glasses with big round lenses, about as far from what my father would choose as it could possibly get.

They do look like something a librarian would wear. I suppose I'm going to have to get one of those glasses hangers since they're reading glasses and I'll be taking them on and off pretty regularly. I know if they aren't tied to my body I'll lose them - something my mother has told me about my head quite a few times.

I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm back home, but that isn't for months yet.