Summer With Em - Chapter 33

By Julie D Cole
Once we were outside the surgery mum found a place for us to sit and talk privately. She put her arm around me to console me as much as possible and then asked why I had burst into tears. I just felt stuck in no-mans land as some sort of misfit. I didn’t understand what was going on with my body and I didn’t really want anybody probing about examining me at hospital.

Mum explained that when I was a few months old I was admitted to hospital where they found my testes and moved them into position. After that I had several follow up visits and everything seemed fine. We shouldn’t have missed the annual appointments and we should have examined you regularly.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘Your dad and I were going through a bad time and he left home to live with someone else.’

‘But I remember dad was at home right during my first school and even in my secondary school.’

‘Yes, he came back home for two spells but after his involvement with another woman it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t let him near me.’

‘But it looks like you both separated because of me. I wasn’t like other boys and I preferred to play with girls. Dad used to get angry because I was bullied at school. He wanted me to fight back. He was ashamed of me.’

No. He wasn’t at all. He only tried to do what most fathers do. He had the same problems when he was young and he knew that the only way to beat bullies is to stand up to them.’

‘But I remember you both shouting late at night when I was in bed. It used to wake me up.’

‘It was nothing to do with you. We were having problems with the restaurant that was losing lots of money. I couldn’t work there full time because of you and my mother was ill and needed care. We couldn’t afford help so in the end we decided to sell up sold up and he went back to Italy to work in his family business. He took his girlfriend with him and left me with the house.’

‘But he never visited and apart from birthday presents and a gift at Christmas I had no contact with him. Other kids at school saw both their parents even if they divorced.’

‘Kim I’m sorry that was my fault and nothing to do with you. I couldn’t forgive him for his affair with that woman, so I tried to punish him. I didn’t want him to see you. He wanted you to go to Italy for summer holidays but I refused.’

‘But he was my dad.’

‘Yes, I know he was. Even though he hurt me I can’t change that and I shouldn’t have tried to keep him away. I couldn’t put you on an aeroplane alone. You might not have come back.’

‘But mum we all suffered.’

‘Yes I know. Instead of arguing we should have behaved sensibly and sorted something out. We should have focused more on you and then maybe you would have carried on with regular examinations and treatment whilst you were young and had a normal puberty like other boys.’

‘Mum it’s worse than that. I’ve always felt that I never had a dad like other kids but I never complained or blamed you. Plenty of others at school came from split marriages but they didn’t seem to feel like I did so I shut up. I felt awkward and out of place.’

‘But it’s not too late. I’ll help you through this. Staying here with Em has changed you in more ways than one but you’ve gone too far. You need tests and then as Dr. Carter said probably hormone treatment and even inserts so you’ll feel normal and then you can be happy and find a girlfriend of your age and finish your education.’

‘But mum I don’t want hormone treatment and inserts won’t solve anything. I will still have nothing between my legs like other boys. Hormone tablets or injections won’t solve that will it? I’ll still have boobs and I can’t grow new balls. I can’t change who I’ve grown into can I?’

‘But Kim don’t make judgements and let the experts make their assessments. There are plenty of others who will have been just the same as you now living happy lives. This problem with boys isn’t something new. New medicine and operating techniques are being developed all the time.’

‘But I don’t want to be a guinea pig.’

‘You aren’t a freak and you won’t be a guinea pig. If I’d taken action when you were young you’d have been just like other boys. Even though the doctor wasn’t optimistic your testes might just be trapped and need freeing and pushing into position and there must still be a chance you can then go through your puberty and hopefully even father children one day.’

‘Mum you are dreaming. If I had any balls I’d have been able to get an erection and my voice would have broken by now. I’d have hair on my chest not boobs and I wouldn’t have hips. Look at me. I’m more girl than boy.’

‘Yes but lots of boys grow boobs and have hips in their early teens and eventually they disappear.’

‘Mum I’m nineteen. Anyway recently I’ve felt different and I don’t seem to have any desire to dress as a boy and I’d be happy to throw my clothes away. I think the clothes I’ve been wearing are comfortable and materials are better. I’m actually treated as a girl wherever I go,’

‘Kim believe me please you haven’t turned into a girl. You just haven’t developed properly but it’s treatable. They can sort this out just be patient.’

‘But mum I’m still going to feel the same inside. I have friends and I feel involved in things and I’m a lot more confident. I feel I can relate to the girls at work and we laugh at the same things.’

Mum looked at me with a blank expression. I felt tears welling up again and it took a while for me to calm down. Mum called a taxi and then she called Em to update her on what had happened.

On the journey I told mum I needed to call Frankie to talk to her and ask her advice. Mum seemed offended but Frankie seemed to understand me more than anybody I’d met. I arranged that Frankie pick me up at 8-30 pm to take me back to her place. Mum wasn’t happy but she knew I would not give in.

Em met us as we arrived back at the apartment and she had a quick word with me to ask me to stay calm and she’d help me as much as possible and talk to mum. Even so the chat with mum was awkward even with Em supporting me. She showed mum the tablets I had been taking that she said weren’t anything that would have a drastic effect. They were tablets that she used to soften her skin to avoid wrinkles and crows feet around her eyes. They were just a care supplement that Em had used to offset aging that had seemed to work for her so she felt they would soften my skin and calm my nerves. Mum just shook her head but she didn’t object since she felt they seemed harmless based upon her medical experience.

There were long periods of silence with frustration still showing on mums face. She did admit that she and Em had chatted about me quite a few times in the last twelve months and they’d agreed that I could benefit from a change of scenery. They’d hoped I would accept an invitation to stay with Em for the summer on the pretext of me having a working holiday to earn some money.

Their real reason was to get me away from a life of locking myself in my room in front of my laptop and Em was asked to encourage me to take more pride in my appearance.

Em admitted that she’d been surprised how feminine I’d looked on arrival in Manchester and that she’d wondered if I was intersex but she had not discussed it with mum. Instead she’d decided to see how I’d react to a little push towards femininity and had been amazed at the effect it had on me. Then events seemed to take over and during our first night out in Manchester her friends had believed I was a girl.

Em thought that I was less shy and more comfortable presenting as a girl and both Em and Frankie agreed. Frankie had explained about her friend who had committed suicide because he felt trapped as a boy and his parents had tried to force him to behave more masculine. They didn’t want that to happen to me. They felt I should be given the freedom to express myself so in the end both Em and Bec’s had agreed I should dress as a girl at work.

Frankie then took me under her wing and spent more time with me. I’d seemed so happy and then the event at the swimming pool occurred and I’d become quite famous and popular. Nobody seemed to care whether I was a boy or a girl as far as Em could see and Bec’s had informed her head office that I was transgender.

Despite Em explaining all this Mum’s face hardly changed expression. She then made it clear that she wasn’t prepared to let this carry on and that she wasn’t happy about the changes that had taken place since I’d moved north. She felt I should return to London with her and dress in normal clothes. She said she’d made a mistake by turning a blind eye to me presenting in a more feminine way and hadn’t realized how far this had gone.

‘Mum no I won’t. I’m staying and you can’t make me. At home I’ve had your love and affection but no friends and no family around us. Meeting Em has been so wonderful even though she is older than me. She has a nice life here in Manchester. I prefer it here.’

‘Kim you will do as your told.’

‘Mum why can’t we sell up and move here so we are all together. Look at the apartment Em has and the surroundings. The same for Frankie. Up here people are so friendly and it’s much safer to go out alone.’

‘Yes I can see the effect it’s had on you already. But I’m not having you living here as a woman you are a boy.’

‘Mum I’ve told you no. I’m nineteen. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and I.ve never been happier than I am right now. I’ve met Frankie. She is so kind to me. I don’t think she is prejudiced I feel she accepts me as a boy or as a girl.’

‘That’s another thing. She is quite a bit older than you and I don’t want you to get hurt. She seems to be very nice and she is very attractive and well-mannered so I can see the attraction but from what Em has told me she has had several serious relationships.’

‘Mum we are just best friends. It’s not as if she has behaved badly to anybody or that she let anybody down. She didn’t find the right person that’s all. It happens, the same goes for Em. Now she has Bec’s. Her marriage failed and yours too.’

‘But that’s my point I just want you to enjoy your youth and mix with others of the same age before you get deeply involved with anybody.’

‘Mum I’m not deeply involved. I like being with her. I think she has been very successful in her career and she is a strong person. I admire her. She has an amazing place and she has done well for herself in a man’s world from what she has told me. She did it by herself. She wasn’t a City girl. She grew up in a small village in Derbyshire and she fought for everything she’s got even though her grandfather was in a position to help.’

‘But Kim she is at least 10 years older than you and she apparently prefers the company of women to men. You are my son not my daughter and I fear she might be a bad influence on you.’

‘Mum why would she be a bad influence on me? Who says she prefers women to men? Anyway, so what if she does? That’s the sort of prejudice she’s lived with growing up and her grandfather virtually disowned her. How bad is that? If her own family doesn’t accept her as she is then what chance does she have in the outside world?’

‘Look Kim let’s drop it because we need to get you sorted out. I’m glad I came to support you at the hospital. We need to determine if there is a way to get your body functioning properly.’

I decided to stay silent and hopefully we could change the subject. I wanted to try to find out what the hospital appointment might involve and when it would take place. It wasn’t like I was an emergency case and should have priority over people with serious medical conditions. I was quite happy to stay as I was.’

I focused on my i-phone and my Facebook page. I already had more ‘friends’ in the North than I’d ever had down in London and most were girls. I felt like one of them.

At the end of their chat mum said they’d agreed that I needed to be fully examined to ensure I wasn’t at risk and they hoped I realized that this was urgent and I shouldn’t hang around. They suggested that I write a letter to the doctor and copy to my GP at home. I tried to stop them pressurizing me but I failed.

I was relieved when Frankie called me to ask what I wanted to do about eating. I wasn’t in the mood for eating with mum and Em to risk them lecturing me.

I excused myself and told them I was meeting Frankie. I ignored their protests and their suggestions that we ate together. I needed some space and I didn’t feel in a sociable mood. Mum offended me when she said she wanted her boy back.
I wasn’t proud of myself when I slammed the door as I left but I was angry. I had no idea if I had testes or not and I’d always had loose skin and it was Frankie who had noticed. Mum had never said anything about my medical history and apart from visits to my GP for Flu jabs with a nurse I’d never met a doctor as far as I was aware.

When Frankie picked me up I just broke down and burst into tears. She was patient and eventually I was able to tell her what had happened. She was very sympathetic and put her arms around me. She said that in her opinion the testes had probably shriveled to nothing in my body that probably explained my female characteristics. There wasn’t much chance of me going through proper male puberty or ever achieving an erection. She seemed quite knowledgeable on the subject and I realized why. Was this what had attracted her to me because I was effectively castrated?

Em called me and told me how sorry mum was and asked me to speak to her so I rang her back and told her what Frankie had said so there was little chance of her ever getting her boy back and having grandchildren. She’d obviously either worked that out already or been told it when my problems first occurred as a small child. I agreed to meet her the next day for lunch at the leisure centre and Frankie and I went back to her place.

We didn’t eat much and we ended up in bed together for an early night. I felt comfortable talking with her about what might happen after I had hospital examinations. She didn’t want me to have male hormone treatment or inserts and she said she was quite happy if I stayed as I was.

‘But I’m nothing and how can you ever love me like this?’

‘I already love you as a person so don’t fret we will work things out.’

‘But I’m not even half man and I’m only part woman so you’ll soon fall out of love with me.’

‘Will you consider something for me then if that’s how you feel?’
‘Of course I will. You know I will.’

‘If I’m right when you’ve had the consultation will you look into the possibility of the alternative option?’

‘There is no alternative option is there?’

‘Well you could have surgery and take a different type of hormones if necessary.