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A short Chapter in memory of Steph
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Summer With Em – Part 18
By Julie D Cole
It was still a nice warm sunny day as we walked and I was glad to be wearing shorts. I hoped that this was at least a chance to tan my legs now they were smooth and hairless since I’d be working through the day for the next week with no chance to sun bathe. At least whilst I was at college I’d have been able to take advantage of the many free periods.
Frankie seemed more relaxed and she didn’t seem in a hurry as we stopped occasionally whilst she reminisced and told me about different things that had happened whilst growing up. Village life seemed so different than the life I’d led growing up in the London area with freedom to walk about without fear of confrontation or risk of attack. I wondered if that was a reason why I’d had few friends and rarely went out. Mum didn’t like me to be out of her sight but Frankie and her friends had roamed over the hills or played games in the fields.
I made my mind up that I needed to find a job away from London after university but much depended on my final career and by co-incidence asked about my ambitions now sixth form college was finished. I’d decided that I needed a 1 year course in art and graphic design but I new it was very competitive. I hoped to go to university around Manchester if I liked the area that was another reason why mum had suggested I spend the summer with Em.
‘Are you artistic then Kimmie? Would you have any of your work with you that I can see since I’d like to know more about you? ’
Frankie had seemed to be connected to me and wired into my thoughts that was a bit spooky. How did she know what I’d been thinking?
‘ Yes I’ve brought my porfolio to work on but I couldn’t carry much but I’ve got lot’s of things on my computer. I wish I’d brought my camera with me today to take some shots of village life and the countryside. I didn’t really think it was appropriate and I’d no idea where we were coming and I never expected all this.’
‘Well don’t worry we can do it again anytime just give me the word. Evenings are quite nice too and as you see it doesn’t take long to get here from Em’s place as long as we beat the rush hour traffic.’
‘Thanks you are so kind it would be nice to look around Manchester too. Is it safe for me to be alone in the evening.’
‘Oh so I’m rejected then. Discarded already.’
‘No, no I didn’t mean it like that I can’t expect you to be my chaperone all the time since you are a boss with responsibilities.’
‘Yes but the advantage is that I can control my free time. I have men underneath me to do the donkey work. Not literally of course.’
She was smiling as she said it so I felt confident to ask about her relationship with Steph that seemed strange. A beautiful young woman who seemed happy in the company of women like Em, Bec’s, Amy and George who seemed to visit the Gay area and knew the night club owner who was a drag artist. Steph who was younger than her and was apparently in the same position as I now was and what had happened to him? He had died so young. My mind was racing and suddenly I realised that Frankie might still be wired in.
‘Oh you’ve come back down to earth then. What were you thinking about?’
‘I was just reflecting on how nice it was last night to be out with you and Em and your girlfriends and about your friend the club owner. Then about poor Steph. He died so young.’
‘Yes I’m lucky to have so many friends that helps since I had no brothers or sisters to lean on or spend time with. No nephews or nieces to spoil only cousins and my extended family who live around Bakewell and across in Derby. I work hard but it does get a bit frustrating since it’s a lonely life in all honesty with nobody on the horizon to spend the rest of my life with.’
‘So were you and Steph an item? You said he was a boy but referred to him as she and her.’
‘Yes he was born a boy but he didn’t feel right and he confided in me long before he told his family so I tried to help him to be the girl he wanted to be.’
‘Was he beautiful?’
‘Inside just perfect but he didn’t ever feel as beautiful on the outside as he felt he should be. He seemed to think he needed to look like a model for Vogue and at school he’d wanted to take hormones to develop like the girls around him rather than the bullies who picked on him.’
So did he take hormones then?’
‘No his family stopped him and didn’t understand about these things. They were countryside people with a farm and to them animals were for breeding or milking. They expected Steph to marry one day and provide grandchildren to inherit the farm. Steph used to joke that he really preferred to be raised for milking and he needed boobs. He did develop breasts but they weren’t meeting his specification. Not so well endowed as you though he was just as cute.’
I needed to switch the subject but it was difficult since I had so many questions to ask. I had boobs without any hormones so what would I be like if I’d have had access to them? Was I a freak? Why was that Frankie seemed attracted to me like she’d been with Steph? Did she like freaks?
‘Penny for your thoughts again Kimmie. Where are you now? Come in number 7.
‘Oh sorry again. Do you mind if I ask you what happened to Steph? Was he taken ill or was he in an accident?’
‘It’s not something I’ve been able to talk about in all honesty. It was awful. He had an argument with his parents one evening after we’d been out together. I’d helped him with his outfit and his make-up and we were supposed to go out together around Manchester. He decided he wanted to go home first to let his parents see Steph and he never called me to pick him up. I just got his answer phone then a text message to say he’d had a big bust up and a fight with his father.’
‘Oh dear so did you see him the next day.’
‘No they took his phone and wouldn’t let him leave the farm. They locked him in his room supposedly until he came to his senses and scrubbed him clean of his make-up. His father apparently shaved his head like he was shearing one of his sheep and threw all his clothes away. He was made to go with his father and labour on the farm as his punishment until he came to his senses.’
‘Who told you all this. How did you find out?’
‘It all came out at the inquest and his parents were devastated and ashamed of their treatment. It broke them both so they sold the farm and moved away.’
‘So poor Steph what happened?’
‘He took some rope from the barn and hung himself whilst his father was feeding his animals.If he treated Steph like he treated them maybe it would never have happened.’
I took Frankies arm and held on. She had tears rolling down her cheeks so I stopped her and we just hugged for ages.
‘Sorry but I needed to come back this way. Their farm was down there look. I’m glad you came with me it has helped me a lot.
There are no winners!!’
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Comments
Another sad...
.. but beautiful chapter.
Thank you so very much. I so wish parents like Steph's would come to their senses before the horrible damage they inflict occur.
One of my best friend's earlier best friends died in a similar fashion. She was not TG but lesbian. She was one of those star students, student council president and captain to the school's 1st Netball team and girls tennis team and an academic star. Her family was very well-known and respected in the town I grew up in. She was 2 years behind me in school, not the same school though so I never personally knew her. But we all knew of them, the family.
It was her grade 12 year or as we called matric. Before their end of year dance, she chose to come out to her parents, now this was in 1992 when being gay, lesbian or Tg was regarded almost as a stoning offence in Small Town South Africa. She did, however, come out to her parents, but was immediately thrown out of the house and told to repent and ask forgiveness from that horrible creature called god. She refused and was shown the door quite violently. She then went and visited another friend of her's whose father, she knew, had a few guns readily available at their home. This was way before the time of social media and cell phones. She just acted as normal as if there was nothing wrong.
She asked if she could stay over that evening and was accepted to do so. She acted as though she phoned her parents to tell them, and asked if she could phone another friend, her girlfriend unbeknownst to them, just to say hello and to tell her she loved her. Then in the early evening, she asked her friend if they minded if she could go outside to take a walk on her own. What was not seen, was that by then she had already 'stolen' a shotgun and hid it outside the house. She went outside and took it with her as planned.
She was found a few hours later sitting slumped up against a tree with her head blown clean off. A bloodstained note explaining why she did it, slightly tucked into her denim jeans but visible to whomever found her...Her parents got all the sympathy and none of the blame. I do know that the mother became a severe alcoholic after this and literally drank herself to death.
So yes, there are many parents like this... they should all be shot before they destroy the lives of their children. I could relate two more incidences of close friends who lost other friends in the same way.
Sorry if this upset anybody but I just had to relate this story.
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill
So sad...
God bless you and heal your heart that has paid witness to such ugly evil n this beautiful world. God bless and keep you child. T.
I am a Proud mostly Native American woman. I am bi-polar. I am married, and mother to three boys. I hope we can be friends.
Dear Mantori
I never intended that my story and this chapter should bring hurt and pain so I am sorry to bring back bad memories.
My purpose was to give background on Frankie and to try to show that she was moving on from a tragedy in her life. Also to try to show, as you have shown, that family sometimes make judgements sometimes without engaging brain. Often based on what other people might think or because the church often sends out the wrong message to congregations. Religion causes so many problems as well as giving many comfort and peace.
Your story has hit me like a punch from Mohamed Ali and I hope that by posting it this helped you release some of the pent up emotion inside.
I reflect a lot on the posts I receive and try to adjust my perception of life whilst remaining optimistic that there is more understanding these days that will eventually mean more tolerance and a better attitude in communities. Thanks again for commenting. It makes me realise how lucky some of us are in life and we don't know the half of it.
I hope you will keep reading and bringing your lifetime experience to us in the best possible way.
This breaks my heart...
My father was a red neck bigot against anyone who wasn't white, anglo-saxon, protestant, and from the south. He also thought of women as a collection of body parts with barely the intelligence to feed themselves and lay on their backs with their legs open for their men. My brother has become him all over but even more evilly distilled. I have had nothing to do with my brother in over a decade because I am afraid I would do him injury if I were to hear him spouting his hate speech off again. The things you write about were the realities I grew up with. Oh I did not want to be or feel I was a female, but my fathers prejudice caused me many a beating for having a black friend call the house for a school project we had to do together, and an even worse one when another friend called and his soft voice and slight lisp (he had a speech impediment) caused my father to conclude he was homosexual. The man drank and smoked himself to death by the age of fifty, and I felt he lived far too long at that. It is sad that such men live in this beautiful world. Your story is painful, and beautiful at the same time. Thank you so much for writing it for us to share. T.
I am a Proud mostly Native American woman. I am bi-polar. I am married, and mother to three boys. I hope we can be friends.
Another surprising response
I recall travelling through red neck country a few years ago as my American colleague decided to take a short cut. I've seen areas of the UK that are totally Asian and travelled through Newark without daring to stop. I've stayed in border towns in the area between China and India that was scary.I've been stupid enough to stop once for directions at a crossroads in South Africa where locals were drinking at a roadside bar. Lots of other places too mostly on business and in remote locations but I've never been as scared as I was in red neck country.
Thanks for your comment. It hurts to feel people can be so angry and prejudiced.
Introspection
I think Kim really needs to see a doctor to find out how intersexed she is?
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Introspection
I think Kim really needs to see a doctor to find out how intersexed she is? If Frankie didn’t know now the particular questions about steph were instructive.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Very tragic and emotional
Parents who treat their children as Steph was treated are do not really want their children to become strong indepent, loving, adults. All they're really interested in is for their children to be like the parents, including their beliefs. And when the child shows independence, or "deveates" from their directed path, the parents react as Steph's parents did.
I've known people who took their own lives for one reason or another, but one which will be with me until my end was the guy I knew who reached out to me. At the time I was wrapped up in my own problems and ignored his asking to speak with me, and it wasn't long afterwards I learned he'd killed himself. He was as straight an arrow as you could find, but guilt over something he did was to much for him to bear.
I've been told that if someone is suicidal nothing said to them will deter what they eventually do. But when his memory reasserts itself, I play the "what if" game every time. He was a really neat guy.
Others have feelings too.