A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 36

Sometimes telling the truth can be hard, but when the lie gets too deep, it can be hard to escape.

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It might help to read A Bundle of Joy before this chapter.

Part 36 - Late afternoon, Thursday 15th December

Our small family were all back together. After the welcome home in the wet winter evening, we'd eventually made our way to our year room. The Americans from year D had disappeared, leaving just the ten of us. I would have to thank Melissa later.

"So, what was it like to be back at home?" asked Emma.

"Strange. It wasn't just having to wear male clothes," said Jessica, who hadn't had chance to change. "Wendy and I have changed and we both found it very hard being home. When we left, we were both rather unsure of ourselves, as most children are at that age. Even though I've only been away from home for five months, I'm much more self confident and independent. I found it hard having my mother treating me like how I was. Wendy found it even harder."

"But I thought she wanted to be back with her family?" Brian pointed out.

"She did, but she was the one who wanted to come back today. It was very hard on Wendy, again not because she had to be male, but because she was so different from how mum remembered her. We've grown, and because we've been away, mum doesn't know how to treat us."

"I suppose it must have been hard for your mum, too," added Anna.

"Yes, I suppose it was. There she was, worried about Dad, and not knowing how to really relate to us. Wendy and I both mucked in and did things to help, but that seemed to just make things worse."

"How is your dad doing?"

"He's on the mend. He is doing a lot better than the doctors initially thought. I wish I'd opened that letter months ago, rather than waiting till now to find out that he was sorry. And Sam, there is no need to think 'I told you so', because I know you wanted me to open it. Looking back, there were subtle hints from a few of you — sorry I'd been so stubborn."

"We all can be stubborn sometimes," I admitted, looking at Helen pointedly.

"Someone has to be when you're concerned," Helen laughed, giving me a friendly punch.

"So what now?" asked Sam, finally letting go of Jessica's hand.

"Would you like to go freshen up?" Helen suggested.

"Oh yeah," Jessica gushed.

Since returning, there had been no sign of Richard, apart from the clothes. It was like a young girl had been trying to pretend to be a boy. Poor Jessica, it must have been hard. It must have been hard for Sam too, having to choose a gender rather than being androgynous.

While Jessica and Sam were in their rooms freshening up, the Americans were tracked down. They were having an impromptu choir practice in the main hall. We didn't want to disturb them, so after listening at the door for a bit, we went back to our year-room to entertain ourselves.

Just before our evening meal, the Americans finished their practice and Sam and Jessica arrived.

"It's good to be dressed nicely again, though it wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been," said Jessica. "I know who I am, and Sam kept reminding me while we were alone, so it didn't seem so hurtful."

That little spoken thought by Jessica kept running through my mind during the meal. It reminded me of my ideas many months ago before the French trip. Is that why I wasn't freaking out as Jayne? Perhaps, or was it something else? Why did people that didn't know me assume that I was female? Was it this confusion that caused my uncle to commit suicide?

"Are you okay, Jayne?" Helen queried, placing her hand over mine.

"Huh?" I said, my name jarring my thoughts.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure, why?"

"You seemed miles away."

"Sorry, was just mulling something over," I murmured, not really paying attention.

"Do you want to chat to me about it?"

"I'm okay," I said rather bluntly, brushing Helens offer of help away. She wouldn't understand, and I didn't want to offend her if I said something bad.

Why am I like a girl? Why didn't I need lessons to portray a girl, but needed them to portray a boy? This is just so confusing, so wrong. I'm wrong. I shouldn't be like this. I should be like my brother, still caring and loving, but somehow masculine. I'm just wrong. I don't fit in the real world and am hidden away. I don't think the world is ready for someone like me, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for the world. Is it worth continuing, when the place could be given to someone who needs it?

Perhaps my Uncle was right. Perhaps there was no way forward for him and no way forward for me. If he fought for all those years with the issue and never found a solution, perhaps there isn't a solution to be found for our family. Perhaps we are so different that even what Lewis, Emma or Jessica is doing isn't good enough. I couldn't do what my uncle did though, even if I wanted to; they don't give us blades or anything sharp.

I wracked my brain for a solution to end it all. Something that I could do here in this school. I started to think of films. Perhaps gas is an option. Lie down and put my head in an unlit gas oven. No sooner had I thought it than I dismissed it, the ovens weren't gas. An overdose also was not possible because we were never given drugs to take ourselves. Even if we had a headache, we had to go to see the nurse and we were given a liquid pain killer.

I thought about how Jessica has tried, using the sheets to hang herself, but quickly ruled that one out. When I was in my room, Helen was there and she wouldn't give me enough time to do it. Also, since Jessica's attempt, the sheets had been replaced with special versions that would rip if too much tension was applied.

We weren't allowed out of the premises, so jumping in front of a car or a train was out of the question. I began to feel even more helpless. I couldn't even think of a way to kill myself. I'm just useless.

I felt my hand being squoze, which disturbed my thoughts. I glanced up and saw Helen looking straight at me. She didn't look too happy.

Hoping that Helen was the only one, I looked around and saw Dan looking at me with concern. I gave a weak smile and he shook his head slowly. He knew. The first suicidal thoughts for months and I get picked up straight away. I sighed. Is there no justice in the world?

Melissa, who could see me from the other table, looked horrified. I heard others at that table ask what was wrong, but she refused to be drawn.

"I'm okay," I said quietly to Helen. "It's over now."

"After tea, you're going to see Rachel," she said firmly. I just hoped the others didn't hear.

"We've got orchestra practice."

"Sod orchestra practice. You are going to see Rachel!"

"But others will know something's up."

"So? Don't you think they sometimes have difficulties? You've noticed how much time Brian has been spending talking to his therapist. Then there is Jessica, who almost committed suicide because she didn't chat with anybody. Lastly, look at Sam, who has such a strange issue that none of the local psychiatrists could help, but had to see one of the American ones."

"Okay," I sighed. "Some of us are really messed up, aren't we?"

"I suppose that is why we go to this school, to get the help we need."

"You seem okay."

"Sometimes, but you know I've been through issues myself, with shutting away part of myself."

I fished out my PDA and sent a short message to Rachel. "Can I speak with you urgently after the meal?"

"Sure, I'll be in my office," read the prompt response.

As the meal progressed, I began to feel more nervous about seeing Rachel. What if she locked me up, or stopped me being with Helen? I didn't think I could cope with either of those things.

As we had our pudding, a plan started to form. I knew how to kill myself. I tapped away on my PDA, pretending to be responding to a message. Pleased with what I'd done, I managed to give Helen a reassuring smile, but she didn't look convinced.

"I'm okay now," I said quietly.

"You're still seeing Rachel," she responded.

"I know."

Some of the other years started to leave, and since we'd finished and cleared, we started to make our way to our common room when the fire alarm started to ring.

We all pulled out our PDA's and the words "Fire Alarm — NOT A TEST" were plainly visible.

In the confusion, I tried to slip away from the rest of the year. "Where do you think you're going?" said Sam, grabbing my left arm.

"You aren't going anywhere until you've explained what I saw earlier," said Melissa, suddenly appearing to take my right arm. I'd been watching Helen for my opportunity to slip away, and hadn't been watching the others. So much for being observant.

I wasn't quite frogmarched into the fire assembly area, but it was close. I was guarded by the whole year, including the Americans. At first I struggled slightly, but after I knew I wasn't going anywhere I cooperated, saving my energy for when I needed it.

Perhaps setting off the fire alarm in the middle of a cold winter's evening wasn't the smartest thing to do. We all stood around with no coats, while the temperature was close to freezing.

"What was going through your mind?" asked Helen.

There were a few puzzled faces as some people, especially those sitting at the other table, that hadn't known what had gone on through our meal.

"What's going on?" asked Paula.

"I've only seen that look once before, and a little bit later, Jessica tried to commit suicide," explained Sam.

"The thoughts have gone now," I said quickly, trying to brush the idea away.

I was covered in hugs and people telling me not to do it. Why couldn't I have had such thoughts when I was alone in the shower? I tried to move away from everyone, but I was surrounded and the only place to get away was down. I sank to the ground and tried to bury my head against my knees.

"Please stop," I pleaded.

"Don't crowd her," Dr Ruiz ordered, moving into the area. "Come on, move slightly away."

I looked up and saw there was a gap. For a fleeting moment I thought about running, but where would I go? I put my head back down and wept. It was all too much.

"Okay, the problem that caused the alarm has been found," Mr Hobson announced loudly enough for everyone to hear. "Everyone, please move inside before you all catch a cold. I don't think Mrs Taylor will be happy if all her singers couldn't perform due to sore throats."

I was again closely escorted, making sure I didn't go anywhere I wasn't supposed to. I thought I would be escorted to Rachel's office, but instead, we all headed towards our year room.

"Jayne, didn't you make an appointment to see me?" asked Rachel, catching up with us just before we reached the year room door.

"I think we all need to have a chat with Jayne first," said Helen, everyone coming to a halt.

I felt torn. I wasn't looking forward to the chat with Rachel, which was one of the reasons I'd set off the fire alarm, but I felt so ashamed that didn't want to speak with my friends, either. I just stood there, looking at the floor.

"Very well," Rachel eventually agreed. I think she'd been considering everything that had gone on, as her response seemed an eternity to come. "Helen, Jayne is your responsibility. For the next twenty-four hours she isn't to leave your side. Ring me when you have finished. I will be waiting."

"But orchestra practice starts in fifteen minutes," I pleaded.

"Nobody from your year will be attending," said Stacy, moving in next to Rachel. "I'm available if needed. The orchestra practice is only up the stairs."

Why couldn't people just leave me alone? I'd done nothing to them. Rachel and Stacy watched us disappear into the year room.

The settees were quickly moved to the edges of the room, leaving a wide space for us all to sit. This had been the first gathering like this since the Americans came, but they seemed to understand the plan. Perhaps situations like this arose there, too.

We were all settled on the floor, with partners sitting next to each other. These sessions could quickly get emotional, not just for the person they were concerned about, but also for others in the room. Wounds they thought, or hoped, were closed could easily reopen.

"I'm okay now," I insisted, before someone could say something. Helen just hung onto me, not saying anything

"Maybe," said Melissa. "However, you did have issues and you need to talk about them. Something obviously caused you so much pain that you thought you had no other option other than killing yourself."

"Why should I tell everyone my issues?" I sulked. "Nobody forces Lewis and Emma to say why they see the nurse a few times a day. Nobody forces Sam or Brian to say what their issues are that keeps them so preoccupied with their psychiatrists."

"I chatted with you all when I tried to commit suicide," Jessica reminded me.

There were a few gasps from the American students at that.

"Doesn't that happen at The Manor?" asked Helen.

"It has happened, but it is rare," said Melissa. "The last one must have been when we were in year B."

"It's also rare here. Prior to Jessica's attempt, it had been several years," said Paula.

"Jayne, I go three times a day to see the nurse for female hormones," offered Emma. "I thought you all knew."

"I go for the same reason," said Lewis.

"You're having female hormones?" laughed Emma.

Lewis broke out in a coughing fit. He finally managed to splutter, "No, male hormones."

"Jessica, are you on hormones?" Paula asked.

"No," sighed Jessica. "It seems it is too early for me. They want me to live as Jessica for six months first. I suppose as a test, to make sure that I'm not going to change my mind."

"See Jayne, people are open with you," prompted Melissa. I wonder when she'd become the designated interrogator. I glanced at Helen and saw her red eyes and tear stains on her cheeks. I wonder when she had been crying that much.

"Why shouldn't I want to kill myself?" I said rather angrily, forced into revealing the suicidal thoughts that I'd tried to hide. "I'm a waste as I am!"

"What?" most the room asked.

"Darling, why do you say that?" said Helen, pulling me between her legs. "I love you."

"No, you love Jayne, and I'm David," I cried, failing to get out of Helen's tight grasp.

"You are the same person. It's just a name," reminded Helen. "How different are you from when you got here?"

I shrugged.

"How many lessons did you need to have in speech and deportment?"

"Lots."

"Yes, lots, but hardly any for being Jayne," reminded Helen.

"What are you saying? That I'm really a girl?" I snapped. "I don't want to get things chopped off."

"Nor do I," reminded Jill. "Nobody at this school is going to force you to."

"But I'm broken. I'm useless at being the boy I want to be. I want to be David, but all the boy lessons I had just didn't feel right. It all felt wrong. I'm wrong. I'm just like my Uncle."

"So you want to take the same action your Uncle took? You want to end it all and leave everyone around you with your pain. Now that's downright selfish! Your mother has just started to heal after all these years, and now you want her to have to suffer all over again?"

"No."

"Do you want me to suffer?" piled on Helen. "Do you want me to have to live my life without you? Everyday, suffering, because you aren't there?"

"No."

"I think you need to be reminded what your Mum said to you in that letter about your Uncle," Helen said in full fury.

"I know what it said," I cried out. "You don't have to remind me!"

"Don't I?" She turned away, ignoring my tears and dejected face. "Jill would you mind running up to our rooms? You will find the letter in the top left drawer in Jayne's table."

"I'll go with you," said Anna. "I don't think any of us should be alone."

"Are you wanting to invoke an unofficial suicide watch?" asked Wesley, his jaw dropping.

"Jayne, with all the anti-suicide security that's in the school, do you think you found a way to kill yourself?" Monica asked.

"Yes," I murmured.

"How?" demanded Melissa, her voice full of authority.

I shook my head.

"Jayne!" warned Helen.

Even now I couldn't resist Helen. I fished out a tissue to clear my tear stained eyes and tapped up the menu to unarm the guns and showed her my PDA.

Helen turned an ashen white and promptly vomited over the person in front of her. Me.

"I guess I deserved that," I muttered, quickly clearing my PDA before anybody else could see it.

"We'll get a change of clothes for you both, too," said Jill.

"Are you okay?" Melissa asked Helen.

"Sorry," said Helen, taking a cup of water offered by Erika. "I'm not going to tell you the details, but Jayne would have succeeded. Thanks Sam, and you too Melissa, for stopping her and thanks everyone else, too. Melissa and Aurora, as joint heads of year D, would you agree to an unofficial suicide watch?"

"This is your school, so we'll go along with whatever you say," said Aurora, looking around at the nods from everyone in the room. "Personally, I think it's a good idea."

"Me too," said Melissa.

"I'll update Mr Hobson," said Helen, taking out her PDA. It was slightly damp, but none of the sick had got onto it.

"Come on, Anna," said Jill. "Let's get the things. Oh well, it looks it is joint showers in the morning again."

"Joint showers sounds good to me," said Erika.

"None of that," said Aurora sternly. "We don't want suicide watches imposed, just because someone likes washing their partner."

Jill and Anna hadn't been long when there was a knock on the door.

"Mr Hobson," I said wearily, indicating who was at the door.

Brian was the closest to the door and opened it. "Mr Moore is with him," notified Brian.

"Let them both in," called Helen.

"Can you wait a few minutes for Jill and Anna to come back?" Melissa asked. "Jayne and Helen needed some clean clothes."

"Sure we can, but what we wanted to ask was quite a straightforward question. Do you think this was a serious attempt?"

"Jayne explained to Helen what she planned to do, and yes, I do believe so," said Aurora. Helen and I sat huddled together, trying not to get the sick everywhere.

"After the concert practice has finished, an official suicide watch will be declared. If you are finished here, I would be grateful if you could all join me in the hall. Jayne, I believe you are already scheduled to see Rachel after you finish here."

"I'm okay now," I declared.

"Sorry Jayne, but you are to see Rachel. She will decide that."

"Year A has never experienced a suicide watch, so I would appreciate it if all of you would help them through this," said Mr Moore. "They are going to feel insecure and worried, having this happen when they are so far from home. They'll need some big brothers and sisters to help and reassure them that everything will be all right. Can I count on all of you to help out?"

"Yes Sir," came the standard chorus.

"Has Year B been on suicide watch before?" asked Melissa.

"Sort off. When Matilda joined, she had attempted suicide a few days before. Then there was what happened to Rachel."

"I hope her Dad rots in jail," I added, angrily.

"Isn't that a bit strong?" queried Paula, a bit shocked.

"For what he did to Matilda? NO! There was no excuse for what he did."

"What did he do?" asked Paula.

I just shook my head. It wasn't my story to tell.

Paula looked at Melissa, who said, "I don't know the whole story, but I do know it was very bad. I know the outcome; a lovely child almost destroyed herself. Her partner, Mary-Beth, was seriously hurt on the same day that Matilda tried to kill herself. In some respects, it took Mary-Beth longer to accept love and hope than it did Matilda."

"Rachel was very badly hurt the day Matilda joined the school. Since Matilda had attempted to kill herself a few days before, the whole year spent the night together, camped out in their year room." Mr Moore added, "There was a fear that Matilda, Mary-Beth, or both of them, would try to do something unexpected, although that watch was only overnight, not twenty-four hours."

"Could we do that here?" asked Helen.

"It might be a bit tight for the both year-one and year-D, but I will leave that for all of you to decide," Mr Hobson declared.

Jill and Anna came back just as the two head teachers were leaving.

"Did we miss anything?" asked Jill.

"Just that there will be an official suicide watch after the orchestra/choir practice," said Emma.

"Good, I just hope that this is the last one I ever have to witness," sighed Anna. "We have the clothes. Do you want to do the letter first, or change?"

"Do the letter first," I pleaded. "Would someone else read it?"

"I'll do it," said Martha.

"Before we start, this does get a bit upsetting," warned Helen. "I remember how I felt the first time."

There was a general shuffling while partners got closer to each other. A warning like Helen gave was never taken lightly.

Dear David,

I hope that you are settled into your new school okay. Eric has tried to show me how to use the email system but I found it too difficult. He offered to type what I wanted to send and he will in the future. This letter however, is just between you and me; you must never tell Dad or Eric what's in the letter.

After your interview with Dr Ruiz you mentioned Uncle James. This letter should explain a bit about your Uncle which I didn't tell you the other week.

James used to dress in my clothes and try to make his already feminine looks even more feminine. He wanted nothing more than to be a girl that he knew he was inside. While he was at school he used to get teased for his gentle and kind nature. At home, when we were alone, I helped him become what he was inside. We hid this from our parents as they would never understand.

I blamed myself for his death. If I hadn't helped him perhaps he wouldn't have killed himself. As you grew up I saw that you were just like James and tried to distance myself. Before James killed himself I used to be a smart outgoing girl. Part of me died when he killed himself. I withdrew myself and didn't take any of my exams. I don't think that I could live with myself if you also killed yourself.

As you grew up you reminded me of my brother and you were a constant reminder of the fact that I failed to save his life. I knew what was wrong with James and how it worried him. A week before James killed himself he talked to me about how he saw no future for himself. I didn't understand him properly and agreed that he had no future. The next time he was alone he slashed his wrists. I was the one who found him sitting in a bath of blood. I found out later that it would have taken ten minutes for him to become unconscious and another twenty minutes to die.

James killed himself on his sixteenth birthday and since you and he were so similar I'm worried that you might also commit suicide. I didn't want you to die like your Uncle had so I persuaded your father to agree to you going to Hayfield Hall. After the meeting with Dr Ruiz I had a private word with her and told her about James. She was the first person that I'd told since his death. There was just something about Dr Ruiz that I was able to open up to her. She told me to tell you in a letter about James as it would help you.

Since you've left home I've joined the library and tried to find out information regarding James's condition. He was what is described as a transsexual and it is not curable. The only treatment for his condition is to become the girl he was inside. I don't recommend that you try it at school, as I doubt they would understand, but if, after you've finished school you do need to be a girl, just like he did, then I give you my blessing.

If you'd have been born a girl you would have been called Jayne Laura Grant.

Love

Mum

Halfway through the letter, Helen and I both broke down and started sobbing on each other's shoulders. I don't think Martha was finding it too easy to read it, but it was a task she'd taken on, and she continued to the end. When she finished, there was silence. Not a normal silence, but a sort of stillness, where everyone is profoundly moved and there is a sort of tension that people are frightened of breaking.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed over and over again. "I'm so sorry."

"If I ever volunteer to read something like that again, please remind me of today," sniffed Martha.

That broke the tension and there were a few giggles and chuckles around the room.

"No wonder you were upset when you got that letter," said Emma. Helen had done a good job making sure the others didn't know the details when I got the letter; just that it greatly upset me.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go and get changed," I said, getting up. My clothes were covered in sick, as was the floor near me.

"You're not going anywhere on your own," said Jill. "Since Helen is very upset at the moment, I will go with you. Who wants to volunteer to accompany Helen?"

"I'll do it," said Anna.

"That leaves someone else to clean the floor," I said, rushing towards the toilet attached to our year-room.

That was the problem with others not allowed into the year-room. We had to do our own cleaning. When repairs were needed, or something was delivered, we either did it ourselves, got someone from a higher year to help. At a last resort, we'd invite in a specialist, but they had to be accompanied in the room at all times.

"Please, don't do this ever again," said Jill, as I changed.

"I don't plan to," I confirmed. "Suicide is just too much hassle. All that planning is one thing, but having to live with everyone else's disappointment is something else."

"I don't think we're disappointed. Surprised, probably. You seemed one of the most stable of us."

"I suppose it comes with bottling everything up. I'm still not sure why I saw red. Well, I do a little, but I've got a lot of chatting to do with Rachel, which I'm not looking forward to at all."

"Rachel is a good egg. I'm sure she just wants you to be safe and happy."

"I'm not sure how happy I'll ever be, but safe, I'm sure can be done."

"Are you that unhappy being Jayne?"

"I'm not sure what it is. I mean, it is just a different name and different clothes. Beyond that, I'm still the same person. Yet I don't feel comfortable. Something feels wrong, and I don't know what."

"What about before you came to this school? Were you happy then?" asked Jill, handing me a pair of trousers.

"No, because I didn't fit in. I wasn't really living. Yet here, I can live, but tried to stop living. Rather weird, isn't it?"

"Ironic, maybe. Weird? Nah, unless you want it to be."

"I'd rather just be me."

"Aren't you just you?"

"I think I'll save that one for tonight with Rachel," I laughed.

Once dressed in clothes that would have made Sam proud - a very generic pair of trousers and a polo neck jumper, I made my way back to the year-room. The sick was gone and so was the nasty smell; replaced with the sweet smell of apple blossom. Helen was back already, looking very fetching. I wonder if Anna had got her clothes to make me regret trying to be apart from her.

"You said earlier that you were unhappy being called Jayne. Would you rather we called you David?" asked Helen.

I was glad I was near one of the settees as I plopped down in shock. David? Can I be David? Is that possible? Stacy and Rachel had both offered me this before the trip had been announced, but I'd tried to be noble and be what others in the beta group would be. Now being David was staring me in the face and my mind was so active I couldn't think. David or Jayne? Jayne or David?

"Wakeup, wakeup," a pleading voice eventually filtered into my brain.

"Huh?" was the first thing that my brain thought that I was able to utter.

"Are you okay?" asked Helen. Things were becoming a bit clearer, and people weren't where I remembered them.

"Huh?"

"Rachel said she would be here shortly," said Melissa from somewhere near my right.

I tried to reboot and a question came up in my mind, "David or Jayne?"

"I don't know," I blurted out, causing the faces I could see to look extremely puzzled.

"You don't know what?" asked Helen gently. I felt her stroking my hand.

"What I want you to call me. I don't know. I don't know what I want."

There were things I wanted to say to Helen. Things that I didn't want others to know. Yet we weren't alone, and we probably wouldn't be alone for a while, especially if the plan for a sleepover panned out.

Paula and Emma must have been waiting outside the door for Rachel, as there was no knock. The door opened and in strode Dr Rachel Ruiz and the school nurse, quickly followed by the two girls.

Rachel saw me awake, and after finding out what happened, the nurse disappeared. I, on the other hand, started to get very nervous. I knew that it would be time to speak with Rachel and it wasn't something I was looking forward to. I felt a bit like a naughty schoolchild being sent to the headmaster.

"I'm not going to bite," said Rachel, seeing my fear.

"Can we have at least some of the discussion here," I said quietly, trying not to cry.

"Why?"

"Because I feel safer on student ground. Also, I have my friends to protect me."

"Some of the things we might discuss could be a bit personal. Is it fair to the others? They might not want to hear things."

"A show of hands," said Helen. "Who is willing to stay here to be with David, Jayne or whoever they are?"

All the hands in the room shot into the air.

"Okay," relented Rachel. "It looks like the room has been nicely cleared. Do you mind if I join you all on the floor?"

This caused quite a stir. I don't think they expected Rachel to be willing to get down and dirty with us. As Rachel sat down, she muttered that she wished she'd worn a pair of trousers that wasn't so tight.

"What do you want me to call you?" asked Rachel.

"Since most people are used to calling me Jayne, why don't you stick to that for now," I said quickly, before I started to think too deeply about it.

"A quick rule check," Rachel said to everyone but me. "I might get a bit blunt at times. Please don't call out or interrupt. You are here to give comfort if needed, to anybody in the room who might get upset. Some of the questions might not be nice, and some of the answers, you might not like to hear. Anybody can leave now before we start."

Nobody left.

"Before we start, can I say something?" Brian asked.

"Are you sure?" said Lewis.

"It is something I've been putting off talking about, and Jayne is right, I have been hiding something. When I grew up, my parents didn't try to force a gender on me. I was allowed to play with toy cars or dolls. I soon learnt that other children divided by gender, and I adapted. I was not allowed to take part in PE at school and it wasn't until I was a bit older that I found out why. I was born intersexed. The doctors wanted to operate on me to make me a boy or a girl. My parents said no, that I should choose when I was older. I have some female organs in me and some male ones, which is causing a conflict, and I really need to see if I want to do something about it."

"You used to come swimming with us," said Emma. "Why did you stop?"

"Because I've started to grow breasts," said Brian, trying not to blush.

"And if you put on a bikini top, we would probably have asked you a thousand questions you weren't ready to answer?" I asked.

"That's about it," agreed Brian. "Just like you now, there are probably a thousand questions you don't want to answer. I talked a lot and I came to a decision. I really had three choices. Do nothing, remove male parts, or remove female parts."

We all pounced on Brian and smothered him in hugs. It wasn't a choice any of us would really like to make, but in some ways, we all had to.

"At first," continued Brian, "I was going to decide based on what would be my best option for being fertile. Could I be a mum or a dad? I had quite a few tests, but the doctors couldn't decide. I almost certainly can't get pregnant, as my female organs aren't properly formed. They say I have testis, but it is too early to tell if they work correctly, as I've not hit a male puberty yet. Also, the female puberty might cause a conflict and stop the male puberty from ever happening.

"Then I decided that being able to have children shouldn't define who I am. I should really decide how I feel. This school has given me the great advantage of gender being flexible. I've spent time trying to be female on Mix Up Mondays, and that gave me the chance to decide based on feelings."

Brian stopped. We were all at the edge of our seats, wanting to know what Brian had decided, but there was just this expectant gap hanging there.

"And?"

"I decided that deep down I'm male. I want to grow up to be a man, not a woman. In the New Year, the female organs will be removed and I will be able to live as me."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "You are taking away the option to change your mind."

"I know, but I know how I feel."

"Will it be before or after we go back to America?" asked Ruth.

"I've no idea when you're going back," said Brian. "When do you?"

"I presume, shortly after the concert," shrugged Melissa. "We've never spent this much time away from the Manor before, so I'm not sure. Dr Ruiz, do you know?"

"I'm afraid I know no more than you," said Rachel, shaking her head.

"Well my operation is scheduled for the middle of January. They said they will be able to give me a firmer date in the New Year. To be honest, I'm pretty scared. Apart from some operations I had when I was a baby, which I don't remember, I've never been to hospital."

"We'll be there for you," we all promised.

I realised what I'd promised when I saw the slight smile on Rachel's face. Suicide now was not an option for me, and Dr Ruiz knew enough about my background to know that. I saw Sam fidgeting, nervous that Brian had told us his secret that all other secrets would need to be told. While there was a general murmur of everyone chatting about how brave Brian was, I leaned across, took Sam's hand and said, "You don't have to say anything. I was being spiteful earlier, letting my frustration do the talking for me. Sorry. You will tell us when you're ready."

"Thanks," replied Sam, sitting up straighter and looking relieved.

"So Jayne, how are you feeling now?" asked Rachel, putting on her professional inquisitor's hat.

"Rather silly," I replied honestly. "Oh, and not at all suicidal."

"Why not?" asked Rachel. "You have just embarrassed yourself in front of your friends, been sick over and failed at what you planned. Sounds a jolly good reason to commit suicide to me."

There was a universal gasp of shock from those sitting and watching. Rachel frowned.

"You don't like doing group sessions, do you?" I asked

"No, not really," she replied honestly.

"Then we are even," I chuckled. "Anyway, getting back to your taunt, those aren't a reason to commit suicide. Well they might be for others, but not me."

"According to reports, you seemed very introspective during the meal, and gradually went downhill. Why didn't you talk to someone? Helen was there and saw you were suffering, but you refused her help."

"Can't we do this alone?" I begged.

"Why?" said Rachel. "You asked for this to be a session with others here."

"Because I don't want to hurt anybody."

"Haven't you done that already?"

"Because deep down, I'm David. I know I might act like a girl, but I don't want to be one."

"Has anybody suggested that you become Jayne forever?"

I didn't say anything. I knew what I wanted to say, but didn't want to cause hurt. There were some things I couldn't say, because it had to do with the beta group.

The silence became like a battle. Would someone else talk before me, move the topic somewhere else? The time ticked on and some rather pointed looks started to appear, urging me to answer. Dr Ruiz just sat there, cross-legged on the floor, her facial expression not changing. I'd tried to outstare an owl once and failed. I failed today, too.

"No, but Helen would prefer I was Jayne."

"Oh, so I'm to blame, am I?" Helen huffed. "Have I ever told you to be Jayne?"

"No, not really," I sighed, unable to say yes that she'd told me to be Jayne for the first beta meeting after the Americans had arrived. Anyway, that one incident didn't count, as she had been right. That was beside the point, she did prefer me as Jayne; she'd admitted it. "I just happened to be Jayne when the announcement of the field trip happened. I'm stuck as Jayne until after the trip."

"Jessica was Richard when the French trip was announced, and an exception was made then. Since being Jayne is causing you to be suicidal, I can override the policy and say you can go as David. Would you prefer that?"

"Are you saying that nobody at the school is going to force me to be Jayne forever?"

"They would need to get past me first," said Dr Ruiz. "This school is about letting people be what they want to be. We do things like Mix Up Monday to give you an opportunity to experiment. It also lets everyone see that we are open for anything. Sometimes this causes the school to face up to things we don't expect, and we have to adapt."

"You mean like me?" piped up Sam.

"Yes, your revelation was something new to me and a lot of others. How has the school treated you since you told us your needs?"

"Outstanding," Sam confirmed. "I'm still worried what others will say though."

"Are you talking about it?" asked Dr Ruiz.

"Of course," replied Sam, like Dr Ruiz had asked the stupidest question in the world. "I think I'd go mad if I didn't."

"Sam, I've got about the weirdest body in the world," said Brian. "Nobody freaked out when I told them, and I plan to go swimming at the weekend, even though I will need to wear a bikini top or a t-shirt. No, I'm not going topless; all the boys would get too excited."

"Not me," said Wesley. "I'm gay."

That caused everyone to laugh.

"So, if I want to, I can be David when we get back from the trip?" I pressed.

"I expected you to be," Helen said. "I didn't force you to stay as Jayne after the French trip, did I?"

"No," I confirmed.

"I'll go as Jayne," I said to Rachel.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"We need to chat more before I will accept that," said Rachel. "I'll only confirm when I'm satisfied, and that might be tonight, or it might not be for a few days."

"A few days?" I gasped. How much torture is she going to put me through? "Hey, torture is illegal." It got a few laughs, but certainly not from Rachel.

"I'll ignore, for now, why you didn't want to speak with me, but I can't overlook why you didn't speak with Helen."

I paused. This wasn't a nice question. I'd hurt Helen a lot.

"Two reasons. Because Helen would have wanted to do the right thing, and because it was embarrassing. Helen often asks how I'm doing, if I'm okay. It would have been like admitting to having lied to her before. One lie, confirming that I was okay, when I wasn't, led to me not being able to talk to her."

"That's why partners always should tell the truth," Jill pointed out. "I think you told me that once."

"I get it," suddenly crowed Helen. "It's like my parents."

"I think you'll have to explain that one," said Melissa. "What do your parents to do with it?"

"My Mum smokes. She says she's given up, but you sometimes smell it on her clothes. Dad asks her every so often about it, and she says she doesn't, and would tell him if she did smoke again. We were at a restaurant once, and mum had gone to the toilet. I needed a tissue and didn't have one, so I looked in mums coat pocket and found them there. Dad told me to just leave them there and forget what I'd seen. I asked why, and he said that it would be like admitting to have failed to keep off the cigarettes."

"Why not just tell her that he'd found them and then she might stop?" asked Elaine.

"People have to stop because they want to," explained Helen. "Dad loves mum very much and would love her not to smoke, but it is something Mum has to decide herself. If she thinks he knows, she will just throw out the fags and buy some more when she thinks things have settled down — wasting money they don't have. Dad thinks it is costing them over a grand a year. Dad also doesn't want to embarrass Mum by putting her in a situation where she would be humiliated. He knows she isn't ready to stop smoking and would prefer her to be open with him and smoke openly, that way there was no secrets, no lies. It puts a great strain on their relationship, as Dad doesn't trust mum with everything, but till she can trust him, it is something he just puts up with."

"Did you know I was lying?" I asked.

"Not really, but looking back I can see pointers. Just like when I knew that mum was smoking, I knew when she would sneak off to have a cig. I had no idea before then."

"Helen, how do you feel about Jayne now?"

"I feel hurt," she admitted. "I'm not really sure about anything else. I'm still confused about it all. I need to have a bit of a think about it."

"Are you angry?"

"I suppose I was angry and hurt at first."

"You aren't any more?" pressed Rachel.

"I suppose I am still a little."

"Only a little?"

"Okay, yes, I'm bloody angry and hurt. I thought we loved each other, but all Jayne could think about is Jayne. She didn't even consider how upset I would have been if she'd killed herself. How I'd miss her every day I lived. How I'd not ..."

She trailed off and burst into tears. I quickly moved and pulled her into me. "I'm never going to do this ever again," I said quickly. I hated to see Helen like this.

"You really promise?" sniffed Helen, wiping the snot from her nose on her sleeve.

I paused. "I can only promise to try," I said reluctantly, not wanting to promise something I knew was too restrictive.

"Rachel, is it okay if we all have a sleepover in here tonight?" asked Melissa.

"Yes, that's fine," agreed Rachel. "I'll have the sleeping bags dug out. It's a good job we ordered extra. Tomorrow, you all have special lessons on stress management. However, Jayne, tomorrow you need something a bit different. Don't worry, it isn't me droning on or asking you a million questions. Since suicide watch is on, Helen will be coming too. We will leave straight after breakfast and be gone most of the day. Since it is a long journey, please dress comfortably."

The concert practice would be finishing soon, so we all made our way to the hall. So we didn't disturb the playing, we waited in the wings by the stage entrance, listening to the end of The Armed Man — Better is Peace. As it finished, we made our way onto the side of the stage, not far from the choir. I was past trying to commit suicide, but others were taking no chances. Even if I wanted to run, I wouldn't have been able to. It's so nice that others do care and do accept.

"Well done, well done," said Mr Hobson, coming on from the other side of the stage. He wasn't alone, but accompanied by Mr Moore and all the psychiatric staff. The sight of their sober faces was soon the gossip between people, wondering what had been going on.

"Quieten down," asked Mr Moore. "Hopefully this won't take long."

"This evening, during the meal, one of the students was acting so against their normal behaviour that it caused her friends to get worried. During the fire alarm, she saw her chance and tried to put her plan into action. Her friends stopped her. I'm led to believe that if that student hadn't been stopped, they would probably now be dead."

There was total silence from most students. The only shocked ones were year A, from The Manor. Everyone else just seemed to be privately praying for whoever it was. A few looked across at us and noticed the way I was being protected, and understood. Matilda was one of them and looked at me rather disappointedly. My heart sank, hoping that a moment's foolishness hadn't destroyed our rather good friendship.

"From tonight, a suicide watch is in place. For the benefit of those who've never experienced one of these, for the next twenty-four hours you aren't to leave your partner's side for any reason."

Someone from year A raised his hand.

"Yes, Quincy?" asked Mr Moore.

"What about sleeping tonight and showering in the morning?"

"As Mr Hobson said, for NO reason. The showers here are large enough for two. For year-A, I recommend a sleepover in your year room. Sleeping bags will be provided so that the whole year will be together."

"But-" started Quincy.

"Why don't we have this discussion in our year room in a few minutes," said Rachel, Matilda's younger sister. She seemed to hold a bit of authority; perhaps she was a year leader.

Quincy nodded and lowered his hand.

"Okay," continued Mr Hobson. "As practice is over, if you all leave for your year room, someone will come to see you to make sure you are all okay."

"Sorry, but we need a private word with Stacy," Helen said, to the rest of the year. "Would you wait for us?"

"Don't worry," said Aurora, "We aren't going anywhere."

Stacy was just finishing putting her violin in its case, when she saw us approaching. Sandy, the leader of The Manor's orchestra, who was sharing first desk with Stacy, quickly offered to take care of it for her.

"Are things looking better than they were?" Stacy asked, as we moved to an empty area of the hall.

"Yes, sorry for causing so many issues," I apologised.

"We all have them. I lost it once, though I didn't try to commit suicide," admitted Stacy. "I suppose it was easy for me, as I knew who I was."

"I don't," I sighed.

"You will eventually," encouraged Stacy. "Now, what did you want to see me about?"

"Jayne found a way that would have worked," started Helen.

"Why see me? Shouldn't you be telling this to Rachel?"

"We did, but what Jayne planned involves items best to be run by you."

"Oh?"

I pulled out my PDA and went to the menu.

"Ah," said Stacy. "You would have got close, but never succeeded. You can only unlock if there are two people capable of unlocking, unless there is a beta emergency declared. In that case, you would have had to use your beta PDA. That system isn't as easy to hack as the fire alarm system."

"You know about that?" I gasped, horrified.

"Yes, though only a few do. You rushed it and it was easy to track back to you. I hope you learn to do better under stress than you did."

"Sorry."

"Hey, you are only year-one. I'm sure Julia will make sure you are run through some stress drills over the next few days as punishment."

"Oh joy. I'll look forward to that," I laughed.

"You better get back to your year. It looks like you've done well with them, that they want you to pull through."

When we got back to the year room, there were two boxes filled with sleeping bags waiting outside our door. We dragged the boxes inside the room and found we needed our sleepwear.

"Meet back here in five minutes," I said.

We all dashed in pairs to our rooms. Jill and Anna accompanied Helen and I, just in case. Back at the room, we took it in turns to use the year toilets to change.

"You'll understand more about me in a few minutes," Sam said, and rushed into the toilets.

When Sam appeared the room fell silent. The corners of my mouth twitched slightly, which I tried hard to resist.

Ellen's words about Sam flashed through my mind: "Just treat Sam as Sam wants to be treated, and don't ridicule. That is the best thing you can do."

I rushed across and gave Sam a huge hug.

---

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