A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 54

Are some things best left unsaid?

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Part 54

Monday 9th January 2006, afternoon

We all arrived at the classroom, well apart from Brian and Lewis. The room wasn't laid out like any of the other classrooms that I'd been in at this school. Instead, there were six two-seat settees set on a thick carpet that made you want to walk barefooted. Covering the window weren't the usual blinds, but there was a set of curtains that were closed. They were heavy enough to totally black out the room if the lights were off.

"Don't just stand there, come on in," greeted Keith, one of the five school psychiatrists. Standing next to him was his wife, and fellow school psychiatrist, Becky. "Slightly different from your standard classroom, isn't it?"

"Are you teaching us?" asked Anna, sounding surprised.

"I wouldn't say teaching, as this isn't a normal lesson," answered Keith. "It's a discussion about life, things that might be affecting some of you, and where you are going in life."

"Sorry if I'm a bit late," Lewis puffed, as he burst into the room. It looked like he'd run to be here. "Brian's asleep, and the nurse kicked me out. He probably won't be awake again for a few hours." Lewis took a seat on the empty settee. He looked lonely sitting there alone, with the rest of us in pairs, but refused any offers to sit with another pair.

Becky explained, "We will be leading this class together, as some topics might be best coming from a specific gender basis. We want this to be a very open format. So if there is a topic you wish to discuss, please bring it up. Some of the topics might be difficult or embarrassing to some of you, and if that happens please let one of us know and we will see if we can make things easier; though that isn't always possible. I believe when talking about difficult subjects, you normally drag the settees to one side and huddle in the middle. Feel free to do this if you need to, as you are all here for each other."

This didn't sound very good. I looked around and the others looked apprehensive. "So what are we going to discuss?" I asked.

"Quite a variety of topics. We'll start with something the government insists all schools teach; sex-education. The schools have to teach, but parents have a right to ask their child be excused. We've already spoken to your parents, and all have given their permission. Even though we have parental permission, this school operates differently and you have the chance to opt out. If any of you want to be excused then please discuss this with us, your support staff, or with your year leaders."

I thought Rachel said we weren't going to do this until after Easter. After what I went through with Rachel the other day, this is going to be so embarrassing.

"Okay," said Keith. "Now Becky has done all the admin stuff, let's get on with the interesting things. The first topics will be sexual reproduction, foetal development and puberty. That should then have us covering most of what we are required to teach, then we can move onto the more interesting topics. I am aware that some of you never plan to be in a heterosexual relationship, but the initial discussions will be set in that scope. We will cover other forms of relationships at a later stage. One word or warning, this is a theory only lesson. You have all been warned that under-age sex is illegal. Just because we are talking about sex, doesn't give you an excuse to practice it."

I looked around and noticed that we all were looking slightly embarrassed. I don't think any of us wanted to discuss things, just in case it got a bit personal. I raised my hand.

Becky noticed, "Yes, David?"

"Helen and I have already done sex—ed." I didn't want to mention the discussion I'd had with Rachel the other day.

That got a lot of sniggers and I realised what others must be thinking.

Helen glared at them. "No, what David meant was that at our previous school we'd already had these lessons."

"Anybody else already covered this in your old school?"

Only Emma raised her hand.

"You three have got two options. Either sit through the first few classes as a refresher, or come back when we've finished this section." He paused and smiled. "I'm sure some extra work can be set for you."

We quickly decided that it would be better to stay. The threat of other work, which we might not like, wasn't all that appealing.

"Excellent. Now for a show of hands. Who has seen a naked female? I'm not going to ask who, so don't be nervous."

I was shocked that we could be asked such a question. However, after some encouraging looks from Becky and Keith we gradually raised our hands, while all trying to not look at each other. Even Keith and Becky raised theirs, which got a few sniggers.

"A full show. We don't get this every year. Okay, how about a naked male?"

Paula wasn't going to raise her hand, but Emma grabbed it and brought it up. This didn't go unnoticed and Keith decided to bring it up. "Emma, what made you do that?"

"Paula was trying to be polite. Everyone knows that I'm transgendered and was born a boy. I still have all my boy parts, and when there was the two suicide watches Paula saw me naked. Hence she should have raised her hand. It wouldn't have affected what people know. It could have been her brother when young or something else."

"Okay, let's try this again. Who has seen a naked male?"

Everyone raised their hands, including Erika, whom I hadn't noticed doing so before. I wonder if Erika had the same problem as Paula. Martha hadn't been shy about telling us she used to be Martin last month and perhaps this was an unwelcome reminder for Erika.

"I think this is a first," said Becky. "Okay, since you've all seen the parts, hopefully nobody should have any issues if we refer to them using proper terms. Now, on to the nitty-gritty of things."

Initially the "discussion" was embarrassing, but nothing seemed to faze Keith or Becky. When we all seemed to want to sink into the floor, one of them would crack a joke about the other and drag us all on. The videos they showed were the same as we'd had when we'd done sex-education previously, but since nobody was playing up, we actually learned something this time.

"We've seen how babies are made and the stages of development of the foetus," Keith wrapped up. "What we didn't cover was how this development affects the person carrying the baby, or babies. So tomorrow we are going to divert from what we are obliged to discuss this aspect."

As we were leaving, I couldn't believe how quickly the double-lesson had gone.

There was enough time before orchestra practice to visit Brian. However, none of us wanted to step on Lewis's feet. He'd not seen Brian much since the operation, and Lewis might have wanted to have some time with just the two of them. As we got up, I received a delayed message from Brian, asking me for a favour.

I got to orchestra practice a little early to have a word with Stacy, who was tuning up her violin, but paused when she saw me hovering. After I explained what I wanted, she agreed to help.

"How is Helen coping with you being back as David?"

"Better than I expected. It might have helped that I wasn't around much this morning." At her questioning look I continued, "Like you, Brian asked me to stay for his surgery."

Stacy smiled. "Good. Did you get a good explanation from the surgeon and anaesthetist?"

I gave her a questioning look, but she continued without explaining herself. "When everyone is here I'll do as you asked."

When the rest had arrived, Stacy had a quick word with Mrs Russell who disappeared. Stacy turned to face the orchestra, she called for attention. "David has an important update."

The room went quiet and everyone turned towards me as I stood. Feeling a little better prepared this time, my legs didn't feel as wobbly when everyone looked at me.

"As many of you have noticed, Brian wasn't at breakfast or lunch. He asked me to give you a small update. He had an operation this morning." I saw some worried faces and realised I'd missed something. "It wasn't an emergency. It had been scheduled for a bit; and no, it wasn't Gender Reassignment Surgery." This got a few laughs. "The operation went according to plan and since lunch he's been recovering. Brian will be the guest of our hospital for a few more days, and is under strict instructions to rest for at least a week. You'll not be surprised to hear that Lewis will not be conducting us today, as he is spending some needed time with Brian. Mrs Russell will be back in a few minutes as a replacement. Anybody who wants to visit, and isn't in year-one, will have to wait until tomorrow."

I sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. I hated standing up in front of everyone, but seemed to be getting better at it. Why do I always get to do the announcements for our year? Since Helen is joint year-leader, maybe she should do the next one.

After our evening meal, all of year-one went to visit Brian. He was propped up on a hospital bed, with Lewis sitting by his side.

"How are you feeling?" Paula asked eventually, as we were all hovering, not really knowing what to say.

"Relieved it's over. I'm tired a lot, which I'm told is normal and is a good sign. They say I've just got to rest and not fight the naps my body will say I need."

"Can we update year-D at The Manor?" asked Martha. "They were asking how it had gone. So far we've only said that it seemed okay."

"Of course. Sorry, I should have said earlier. David should be able to tell them a lot more of what happened than I can."

"Hey, you've had a few other things on your mind," reassured Lewis.

"Be glad you missed that sex-education class," sighed Helen.

Brian laughed a bit at all our faces.

"That bad?"

"Don't worry, they're saving the really bad stuff until you're back," joked Erika.

They all laughed, apart from Helen and me. I let Helen run with this one. "You know when Keith said, 'more interesting topics'? I have a bad feeling that we might find some even more embarrassing."

"So what have you heard?" demanded Paula.

Helen and I turned bright red and looked at each other. Neither of us wanted to say.

There must have been something in Helen's face, as Paula blushed and said, "They can't expect to talk about that in front of the whole class?" Helen just nodded.

Lewis buried his head, realising what we were talking about. "I thought I'd never have to think about that again."

"What?" asked an exasperated Brian.

"Periods," Lewis mumbled.

"Anything else?" asked Anna, not really sounded bothered about it. She must have felt there was something else, since she probably wouldn't have thought I'd blush at the mention of periods.

I decided that using Rachel's words were slightly less embarrassing. I mumbled, "Self gratification."

A solitary "Huh?" came from Brian. I wonder if he wasn't totally recovered from the anaesthetic.

I shook my head, as I couldn't say any more. Martha wasn't as shy and explained.

Brian broke the embarrassment with, "I think it's going to take me until the class has finished before I'm ready to leave here." That got us all laughing again, and we settled into our more usual chats.

When I noticed Brian starting to look tired, I suggested we all make our way back to our year's common-room.

"How's my birthday girl doing?" I asked Helen as we walked down the corridor.

"This is the strangest birthday I've ever had."

"Yeah, it seemed like it." It dawned on me that I'd missed some of her birthday. "I'm sorry I wasn't with you most of the morning."

"Don't be silly. Brian needed you."

We got to our common room, and found a big box waiting by the door, with the words 'Helen' in big letters on the top. Helen gave a yelp of joy and eagerly removed the top to reveal a cake. It was one of the things the school did, but you could never know when the cake would appear. Having it appear this late though was unusual, but probably so we couldn't share any with Brian so soon after his surgery. We surged into the common room, so we could all have some. Cake never seemed to last too long.

"Lewis, I'm putting a piece to one side for Brian," said Helen, as she cut the cake. "I repeat; this is for Brian and not a spare slice for you."

"Spoilsport," he laughed. I wondered how much Lewis was laughing at Helen's joke, or at how close she was to the truth.

"That goes for the rest of you, too!" I don't know why she was looking at me. I still find cakes a treat and wouldn't eat somebody else's slice.

It was nice to relax with a slice of cake and chill. One good thing so far about the life skills lesson was no homework, though I'm sure that would change. I had some catching up to do, but we didn't have those lessons again until Wednesday, so it could wait.

As it got towards bedtime, I saw Helen start to wobble. Today had been quite busy, and seemed to take her mind off things. Now it was quiet and relaxed, she had time to think about things.

"I'm getting tired, so might go up," I said, rising from the settee.

"Make that two of us," said Helen, snapping out of her thoughts.

When we were out of the lounge I asked, "Bedroom or Rachel?"

She flashed me a weak smile. "Bedroom. Was I that obvious?"

I quickly reassured her. "No. Don't forget I know you a bit better than they do. You've been doing really well today."

"I'm not sure why, but it was having a little time to think about things that happened. I wasn't that upset. Edith did tell me that I could continue to have little episodes. She also told me that I should seek attention if they get too bad."

"Do you need me to be Jayne tonight?" I asked, concerned that there would always be a bit of Moscow with her.

"It would be nice, but no. I think I'd like to finish the night with you as David. Thanks for making my birthday wish come true. I just hope you have as good a birthday on Friday, only not so eventful."

I smiled at the thought of my birthday. The calendar had nothing major scheduled, so I hoped Helen's uneventful idea came true.

Tuesday 10th January 2006

Just before eleven I met up with Stacy and we headed off to see Edith. As we went up the stairs, I asked, "Stacy, can we have a chat later, about this school visit?"

She smiled, in a knowing kind of way. "Of course. I expected this yesterday, but I suppose you were a bit busy."

"You must have more on your plate, yet you seem to always have time for people."

"Practice, that's all. When you are in year-five, I'm sure it won't be an issue for you, either."

When we got to Edith's office, the door was wide open and we could see her sat at her desk, tapping away on her computer. She must have heard us, as she looked up and asked us to come in.

"Sorry about yesterday," I apologised, as we all sat down on the settees.

"As I understand it, you were helping someone from your year, is that correct?” As I nodded she continued. “Then there's nothing to apologize for. While important, the exact timing of our chat wasn't that critical. As it turned out I was able to have a very nice chat with Helen, to see how she was getting on. So how have you both been?"

"I've had no issues," responded Stacy. "I've been to places alone, and haven't had any effects."

"Same for me," I added.

"What about being back as David? How did you deal with yesterday?"

"I was more worried about how Helen was."

Edith shook her head. "That wasn't my question. I want you to take a few minutes and go over yesterday in your mind. How did you feel about yourself being back as David?"

I stopped to think and came up blank. "I don't know. So much happened yesterday that I didn't really have time to take it in. Some of it was hard, but then I find it hard getting people to see me as male. More than once, someone has called me Jayne, only to then correct themselves to David. Who I am and how I feel about myself is an ongoing discussion with Rachel."

"Have you booked yourself to see the hairdresser?"

"Yes, for this evening. I held off just in case."

"I see." Edith paused and looked at both of us. "Your teachers all seem to think that both of you are coming on very well. David, I was a bit concerned about how Helen was going to react with you being back as male. However, she survived a whole day, and hasn't backed down yet. Please watch her, as it is not uncommon for the stress to return with little or no warning. If that happens, reactions may well be totally different from her normal character. Even little changes in character can be a clue."

"You mean like when I tried to commit suicide?"

"It could be something like that. In your case, you didn't want to discuss the situation, you believed yourself trapped and thought there was no way out. Only afterwards did you find there was. In some ways Helen is a bit more open than you, but in other ways she can be just as stubborn."

"Do you think Helen will take a turn for the worse?" I was quite worried. I didn't want anything to cause her issues.

"To be honest, there is no way to know. There are cases where years later, some event triggers a flashback. The four of you, and several of the others to a lesser extent, experienced events that put a lot of stress on you. You've all progressed far better than we'd hoped. We have hopes that even if something were to trigger this, you’ll all become better at recognizing the onset and that we’ll have helped you have the tools you need to deal with them. For instance, Stacy said in an earlier session that she still gets occasional nightmares from her rape."

I looked at Stacy, worried if she would have a bad reaction to that reminder, but she just nodded.

"Since this is going to be a short session, I'd like you to get out your PDA's and send me a note with your top ten deserts, or puddings, I think some of you call them. Put them in order, with number one being your favourite. Now I know that ten might take a few minutes, so I'll leave you to it."

Edith got up and left, leaving me rather surprised. I'd had some strange requests in therapy sessions before, but this one seemed totally out there. However, I did as requested. Now if she'd asked for my top three, it would have been easy, but ten?

After a few minutes, I was stuck. I had six, but couldn't think of any more. "How many have you got?"

"Seven," Stacy responded, in deep thought. "This isn't as easy as it first seemed."

There were so many delicious meals at the school and I liked most, but would I go and say they were a favourite? I thought about putting some okay ones on the list, but decided at the last minute to stick with the ones I'd put.

I didn't have time to say more when Edith came back in. "All done?"

"I've got six," I responded

"And I've got seven," added Stacy. "I can't think of more what I would describe as favourites."

"That's okay. Send them across and let's see if it is enough." Her PDA pinged as she received them. It didn't take her long before she responded, "Excellent, we have enough for both of you. On Saturday, I have something planned for the two of you. In the meantime, we seem to have finished early, so go and relax."

I was slightly surprised as we walked out of the door. It didn't seem to make sense as we'd hardly talked about things. I don't think I'll ever understand therapists.

"Do you want that chat now?" asked Stacy.

"Sure."

We went downstairs and into the empty parlour room. The piano wasn't in the same place, and I wondered what had been happening in there.

"So?" asked Stacy as we sat down.

"The concert we're doing at the school. I take it there is someone there that needs some encouragement?"

"Yes. They were learning an instrument, but seemed to get a lot of ribbing for it. Even though they see people playing guitars and keyboards in pop groups, music can sometimes still seem to cause conflicts. As you saw, the music at this concert is a lot different from what we normally play; film and popular classics."

One question down, a few to go. "You implied being shown Brian's surgery was planned. Why?"

"Because it is good to know what happens in cases like that." Stacy paused, like she was wondering how much to say. She must have decided it was okay to tell me, because she continued. "Many years ago, a British spy was involved in an incident in a foreign country and needed medical attention. They thought the people involved with the operation weren't involved; they were wrong and the agent died due to the wrong level of anaesthetic being given to them. Nobody is expecting you to carry out a medical operation, but it is hoped that you'll know enough to recognise something that might be wrong."

There goes my inquisitive mind again. In some scary way it makes sense, but perhaps it was too much information. If I could just accept things at face value, my life would be easier, but I don't seem to be able to do that.

"So are Helen and I still with the beta team? If so, are we the two that Andy and you will handover to?"

"That is for Mr Hobson to tell you. However, it seems likely. Why?"

I had come this far, but suddenly felt nervous. I hoped this didn't cause issues with them. "Umm, Helen has a bit of a crush on Andy."

"Don't worry, we know. Just like we know you have some feelings about me."

I felt like crying in embarrassment. "I'm sorry," I muttered.

"Andy and I think very highly of the two of you. However, I don't think you would want to risk your relationship with Helen, would you?"

"No." I felt mortified. I thought I'd hidden my feelings, but obviously not enough.

"And I wouldn't want to risk Andy, either. Now, it is good that you told me this. Actually it is really good, as we will be spending lots of time together. We need to be honest with each other and our partners, otherwise it could cause issues. Also there is another barrier; age. I'm eighteen and you're nearly fourteen. It wouldn't only be the school that would get upset with us if things went further than they have."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm honoured you feel like you do. To me you're a great friend. Now, let's move on and discuss the handover. If Mr Hobson does agree with you being the next beta-one, you will need to be involved with a lot more of the planning for the next trip. Once agreed we will also need to sit down with Susan who will be next year's head student. I will have a word with Mr Hobson later, and see what he says. On top of that, Helen, you, Ingrid and Fran need to continue your training."

The words, "You're a great friend", echoed through my mind. It was like someone had just punched me in my stomach and I could hardly concentrate on the rest of our chat.

When I got back to the year-one common room, Helen took one look at me and rushed across, "What happened? You look awfully upset."

"I told her."

"Told who-" she trailed off as I mouthed 'Stacy'. "Oh shit." Then as if coming to a decision, "We're going for a walk to discuss this, now!" She called out to the two others in the room not to worry if we weren't at lunch.

I snorted a bit at that. Not being at lunch was something to worry about, especially for Helen. The others in our year will wonder what's going on if we aren't there. Helen grabbed our coats as we left, and I followed her outside, to the benches at the back of the school.

Sitting outside wasn't really a popular thing in the middle of winter, so there was no better place for a bit of privacy. At least it wasn't raining.

Helen put her arms around me. "What did you tell her?"

I filled her in on the conversation.

"And she didn't say anything really about it apart from they already knew, and that basically they were too old and nothing could ever happen?"

I burst into tears. "I'm sorry," I sobbed out.

"Why?" she said pulling me close. "I know how you feel about Stacy, and I know how you feel about me."

I nodded and gladly took the tissue she passed me. Where did she find them? "Are you okay?" I asked when I was a bit calmer.

She shrugged. "I'm a bit embarrassed that Andy knew and hadn't said anything."

"I hope they're not laughing at us." I started crying again, but not as heavily as a few moments before.

"I'll deck them if they are," said Helen angrily.

"Calm down." I tried to pull myself together. "You'll get into so much trouble if you hit someone."

"So? Well if they do rub it in, they will know about it." She paused and looked like she was trying to calm herself down. "Let's get to lunch before we are missed."

We rushed in, dumping our coats in our common-room as we dashed towards the dining-room. We only just made it in time. I deliberately didn't look towards the year-five table.

There were a lot of enquiring faces as we sat down. Helen just said, "All sorted," in such a positive way it seemed to placate most. Only Dan, today's psychiatrist at our table, didn't seem convinced. I was watched like a hawk during lunch, and then, during the Life Skill's lesson that afternoon, Keith and Becky seemed to watch both me and Helen more than the others.

I managed to get through the lesson in one piece, and was just walking out of the door when Becky stopped us and asked Helen and me to stay for a minute.

"What's going on with you two? David you look like you are about to burst into tears at any moment, and Helen, you look like you're very pissed off."

"Something happened earlier which upset David, and that's pissed me off," said Helen. "However we are talking about it."

"I see," said Becky. "David, can I ask what upset you so much?"

"I don't want to get into the details. Can I just say that it was a misunderstanding, which I'd rather taken to heart? I'm sure that by tomorrow I'll feel better."

"If you don't, or feel worse, then please talk to Rachel."

"I'm sure you will be telling her about this conversation, anyway."

Becky smiled. "Of course." She turned her head to look directly at Helen. "If you'd taken up boxing, I would have recommended you go and do a few rounds. Since you haven't, how would you like to go for a run with me?"

"A run?" Helen sounded very surprised.

"Sure. I think you need to work off some tension, and as crass as it sounds, sometimes a bit of physical activity will help. Why don't you go and get changed, and I'll meet you at the entrance in say ten minutes? We should be back in time for orchestra practice."

I suppose Helen could have said no, but the way Becky phrased it, it wasn't really a request. When I saw her at orchestra, Helen was looking less likely to hit someone, but there was still the air of anger there.

We were a very subdued pair that evening, and I wished that I'd kept my mouth shut. I went to bed that night wondering if telling the truth was always for the best.

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