Susan watches the men work from the front porch of the house. It has been a month since she has been rape. She was still under doctor orders not to do any heavy lifting or spend a lot of time on her feet. She also feels sadness for the loss of her husband. She couldn’t go to the funeral or handle any of the things she needed to for him. Her friend Kelly had handled everything for her. She had told her friend that her and her husband could keep anything Robert owned. She didn’t want anything of it.

The nightmares of her shooting the three men were less and so were some of the flashbacks of her being rape. The group therapy she was attending weekly along with seeing her counselor every two weeks was helping her. She still didn’t like being by herself or out at dark. She knew Rachel was nearby, so it didn’t bother her to sit out on the porch by herself. Jake had taken the guns out of their hidden compartment and got rid of them for her. The money she had, Rachel had taken her into town and set-up an account for her at the same bank Jake and Rachel used. When they were in town, Susan clung to Rachel like a scared and frighten child. She still didn’t like being around strong aggressive men either. The only men she trusted were Jake, Elizabeth’s boyfriend and the men on the ranch. She missed her poor horse as well. She wanted to train and ride him, but she had asked Jake if he wouldn’t mind training him for her and to let Carol Ann or any one he trusted to ride him.

Clarence’s father paid her a visit earlier in week to see how she was doing. He normally came by every two weeks to check on her. He still felt responsible for what his son did to her and wanted to make it up to her. He had told her this while she was still in the hospital. He always brought flowers for her room. She told him, that he wasn’t responsible for his son’s actions, but he wouldn’t listen to her. He told her it was a matter of family honor and his son had ruined theirs. She knew Carol Ann’s birthday was coming up and she wanted to get something special for her little sister. She had been so kind and understanding to her.

A cold wind blows by her. She pulls the sweater she was wearing tighter around her body. She was tired of being cooped up in the house and in her bedroom. So, she had asked Rachel for help for getting outside today. She wasn’t using her wheelchair any more. It was still hard for her to walk with her foot in a walking boot. Jake had brought her a nice walking cane to use. It was hand carved and had horses running up it. The top of it was shaped like a horse head. Grabbing things with her left hand was still a problem as well. Her hand was going to take longer to use. It was a good thing she was right handed. She couldn’t drive, not that she would. She was still too scared to go out on her own.

She and Rachel had an appointment at a hair salon tomorrow. Her counselor thought she should go out and pamper herself some. So, she could start feeling like herself again. Susan was frightened about going out, but she promises Rachel she would do this. She also wanted to stop and buy Carol Ann’s birthday gift. The smell of baking apple and cherry pies drifted in the air. Susan smiles, she knew Rachel loved cooking. She was always cooking something, when she wasn’t cleaning the house. Rachel had started to put her to work as well. For one thing, she made her clean her room and her bathroom. It had become a mess and Rachel said she wasn’t going to clean-up after her any more. So, she came in and got her out of bed and made her clean the room. Then she gave Susan some light dusting and folding laundry to do. She had told her that she didn’t need two hands to fold laundry. She had shown her how to fold with one hand.

A bright smile appears on her face. Rachel was the type of mother she had always wanted. One who knew how you felt and would do everything she could to protect her baby and two the one that wasn’t going to let you get away with anything.

“What are you smiling about?” Rachel comes walking out of the house with a tray in her hand.

“How I liked the fact that you treat me more like your daughter, instead of a stranger.” Susan moves aside so Rachel could sit next to her on the porch swing.

“That’s because I think of you as my daughter. You may have been considered an adult by the Virginia courts, but to me, you’re a lost little girl who needs a mother.” Rachel sits down next to Susan and places the tray she had on a table next to the swing.

“I thought you might like some hot tea.” Rachel picks up the saucer with a tea cup on it. She had already made it like Susan liked it.

“Thank you, mom,” Susan accepts the saucer and teacup. She uses her left hand to steady the saucer. Her Doctor had said she needed to use it more.

Rachel just smiles to herself. For the past month, Susan has been referring to her as mom, instead of her given name.

“So? Are you still up to going out tomorrow?” Rachel takes a sip of her tea.

“Do I have a choice in the matter?” Susan already knew the answer.

“Nope, your counselor thought it might do you some good, to pamper yourself and interact with people outside your support group. Besides, Elizabeth is going with us and the two of you are good friends.” Rachel hadn’t told her that Elizabeth had been drifted to go with them.

Susan looks at Rachel “why do I get the feeling I’m being set-up by you?”

Rachel just gives her a smile. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Right, I guess we should take the Cadillac then. It hasn’t been driven much, except by dad. It’s also easier to get in and out of with this walking boot on then your car mom.” Susan looks over at her poor Cadillac. It has been sitting since she got here. Jake did drive it twice to fill it up the first time and to use it to buy some parts for his truck, when Rachel had gone to town. She had called the Cadillac dealership to get two more sets of keys sent to her and had given Jake and Rachel them.

“What’s wrong with my car?” Rachel looks at Susan amused look on her face.

“I hit my knee every time I try to get out of it. Plus, there’s not much room for me to stretch my leg out to relieve some of the pressure on my ankle.” Susan mostly sat in the back seat of Rachel’s car, but it was hard to maneuver her leg with the boot on.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me sweetie?” Rachel looks at Susan.

“Because you were doing something for me mom and I didn’t want to sound ungrateful.” Susan was telling the truth on this matter. A lot times she wished they either took the pick-up or her Cadillac.

“Well, tell me so we can make other arrangements. Have you decided what you want to get Carol Ann for her birthday yet?” Rachel knew Susan and Carol Ann have been spending a lot time together. Carol Ann would show Susan what they were doing in school and see if she wanted to help or the two of them would talk about things. She knew Carol Ann asked Susan a lot about questions on dating.

“Actually, I have. She’s been hinting at this dress she wants, so she can wear it to the Winter Dance. I thought I would buy it for her, unless you want to mom.” Susan looks towards Rachel as she sips her tea.

“That’s fine. I’ll buy the accessories for it.” Rachel knew what she was going to get for the dress.

“I wish I had you for a mother when I was growing up. I might have not made as many mistakes like I did. I really didn’t have a mother figure or even a father figure in my life after my mother had died of cancer. My father was an alcoholic and abusive. All I could think of was getting away from him. The foster homes I was set to were too restricted and all they really wanted was a baby sitter to take care of the younger children they had. I guess that’s why I ran off and married Robert. I didn’t realize how he was raping me in his own way and the abuse afterwards.” Susan shivers just from thinking about it.

Rachel places her hand on Susan’s left one “I think you are doing fine for someone who has been through so much. The thing is, you have me, Carol Ann and Jake now as your family and you’ll always be welcome here sweetie. There will always be love here for you.” She gives her hand a light squeeze.

Susan brushes away some tears that had started to slide down her cheek. Her face looked better since she had surgery on it. She almost didn’t recognize the young girl looking back at her in the mirror. The plastic surgeon had done a wonderful job on her face and between her legs as well. It still hurt occasionally, between her legs, but the pain was getting less and less.

The surgeon did a vaginoplasty job on her, because her rapist had done sever damage to her down there. They had bruised her cervix during their rough treatment of her and tore the lining of her vagina. The bruising was completely gone, and she had some feeling now. Before, after her attackers had raped her, she couldn’t feel a thing at all.

Rachel notice that Susan was in deep thought about something. She had come to know her facial expressions. That way she could predict when Susan might have an episode from her trauma.

Susan looks at Rachel “I’m alright mom. I was just thinking about all the medical work that has been done to me, to fix the damage that was done.”

“Okay sweetie.” Rachel just held Susan’s hand.

They both finish their tea in silent and listen as the school bus drops Carol Ann off at the entrance to the ranch.

Carol Ann notices her mother and Susan sitting outside on the swing. It was nice to see Susan outside, instead of in her bedroom like she normally was.

“So, what have the two of you been up too, while I was slaving away in school?” Carol Ann notices the tea cups and the tray.

“Talking about how much I wish I had a family like yours when I was little and what to get my annoying little sister for her birthday.” Susan gives Carol Ann a teasing smile.

“Mom and I were talking about getting you an old fashion chastise belt, so you don’t make the same mistakes I made.” Susan couldn’t help and tease Carol Ann.

Rachel looks at Susan. This was the first time she had ever teased Carol Ann.

“Ha! Ha! Sis, very funny” Carol Ann knew Susan was teasing her.

“So what homework do you have tonight?” Rachel looks at Carol Ann.

“I have two chapters I have to read for Social studies, a report to write in English and over a hundred math problems I have to turn in tomorrow.” Her teachers had loaded her up on homework this week.

“If you want, I could help you in math. I know you don’t like it very much.” Susan loved math, she hated Social studies.

“As long as she does the problems herself Susan, I don’t mind you helping her. You’re pretty good with math problems.” Rachel had checked over Carol Ann’s homework after Susan had helped her last time and her math was spot on.

“Yes mom.” Susan just smiles at Rachel.

“All right, let’s go inside and get dinner ready. You two can start on the home work after dinner.” Rachel gets up off the swing first and takes the tray inside.

Carol Ann helps Susan stand up and hands her, her cane so she could walk.

“Thanks.” Susan uses her cane to help her walk into the house with Carol Ann following behind her. Ever since the rape, Susan didn’t like any one behind her, but she trusted her sister.

Carol Ann takes her books to her bedroom and Susan heads into the kitchen. She notices the pies Rachel had made earlier today, while she was outside enjoying nature.

“So what are we having for dinner tonight mom?” Susan looks towards Rachel.

“I thought Shepard’s pie might be a good choice. Are you up to making it?” Rachel knew Susan still had trouble with her left hand.

“Yes ma’am.” Susan walks over and sits on the stool Rachel had brought around the counter for her to sit on.

Rachel brings her the ingredients and Susan follows the directions from a hand me down cookbook, Rachel mother had given her. There were recipes in it that went as far back as Colonial days.

“This book is old.” Susan was being gentle with it.

“That’s just a copy. The original is vacuum sealed and is locked away in the safe. That book has been in my family since they first came over here.” Rachel was proud of her families’ cookbook.

“It’s nice, that you can trace your family that far back. My own birth family, I don’t know much about. I knew my mother had a sister and a brother, but they didn’t like my father. My father has a younger brother and an older brother who is locked up in the federal pen. My mother wasn’t able to have any more children after she had me.” Susan reads the directions that were given for mixing the spices and cutting the onions up.

“Why didn’t you and your father get along?” Rachel had been curious about that. Susan had told her before about being place in Child protective care.

“Well, other than being drunk all the time, he’s very abusive. The slightest little thing would set him off. He would whip me so hard with either his belt or switch from outside. He would back hand me if I didn’t say yes sir or no sir. I always had bruises on my body from him grabbing me real hard and shaking me. We barely had any money for food, because he drunk most of it away. What we did have went into his truck for gas or for him to buy more alcohol at work. One of my teachers called child protective services on him. I was placed in a foster home. My first one was okay, the couples there were kind and understanding, but since my father wouldn’t forfeit his parental rights, I couldn’t be adopted. So I was placed in another foster home. The woman who I had been sent too, already had six foster kids living under her roof. I was there to act as a baby sitter for the younger ones. I went to school some days and would ditch the rest of the week with a few friends of mine. That’s how I met Robert. I went to a friend’s party and we hit it off. He wine and dine me and told me he loved me and such. We got in touch with my case worker and convince her I was in love and she let me get married, since it was close to my birthday. Things were fine for a few months afterwards and then Robert started abusing me. He, he..” Susan grips the counter where she is sitting. She could feel a panic attack coming on.

Rachel moves to Susan’s side and rub her back.

“It’s okay. Relax, take a deep breathe. I’m here with you.” Rachel holds Susan to her. She knew Susan still had the panic attacks, either because of the rape or the taking of the men’s lives she took.

Susan’s counselor had recognized the symptoms right away when Jake and Rachel told her about Susan talking to an invisible person. She had said that along with the Post traumatic Stress Disorder, she was also suffering from Post-shooting trauma. Susan had killed her attackers, but they had left their mark on her. She couldn’t even be around a gun, without breaking down from seeing it.

Rachel watches as Susan does as she is told to do. She takes a deep breath and holds it and then releases it. She repeats these steps over and over, till she has managed to quiet the attacks.

Susan turns towards Rachel with tears streaming down her cheek “Mom, when will this stop. I can’t even talk about how I feel, without being overwhelm with a panic attack.” She rests her head on Rachel’s shoulder and cries.

Carol Ann walks in and notices her mother comforting Susan.

Rachel looks at her daughter and in a low whisper “panic attack.”

Carol Ann shakes her head that she understood and starts working on the meal as well.

Rachel holds Susan for a while, then the two of them separate and start helping Carol Ann. No more is said about Susan’s past as she concentrates on making dinner. She loved cooking and buried herself into the preparations of making dinner.

The one thing she loved about living on the ranch was the isolation and quietness it brought. Susan stares out the kitchen window and watch as Jake and the men call it a day. She watches as Jake comes walking towards the house and through the back door, after stomping his feet off.

Jake notices his three ladies sitting around in the kitchen and the wonderful smell of dinner cooking.

“Well, this is a site to behold.” He stands there and admirer all his girls.

Rachel goes over and gives him a hug and a kiss.

“Hi daddy” Carol Ann gives him a hug as well. Susan tries to get up to walk over towards Jake, but her walking boot gets caught.

Jake walks over and gives Susan a fatherly hug. She wraps her arms around him and holds tight. He was the one that rescue her and watched after her while the paramedics worked on her. He gently tilts her head back to look at her eyes.

“How are you feeling today sweetie?” The cheerfulness he once saw in her brown eyes weren’t there anymore.

“I’m doing better. Mom and I had a little tea party out on the front porch today.” Jake, Elizabeth boyfriend, Mr. Garrigan and Jake’s farm hands were the only men she would allow near her.

They all head into the dining room and sit down for dinner. Carol Ann had set the table while they had been waiting for dinner to bake. Small talk is made about what needed to be done around the ranch. Susan starts feeling sick and chalks it up to her rape symptoms. The doctor had told her, she might feel sick. As everyone is sitting around the dining room table, the phone starts ring.

“I’ll get it.” Rachel gets up and heads into the kitchen to answer the phone.

Susan listens as she tries to hear what is said. She notices Rachel looking towards her and then her saying good-bye.
As Rachel walks back to the dining room table.

“What is it mom?” Susan knew there was something wrong.

Rachel comes over to her and holds her hand.

“I’m not sure how to tell you this sweetie, but your test came back.” Rachel bites the inside of lower lip. She doesn’t know how Susan is going to like this.

“You’re test show that you are pregnant Susan.” Rachel didn’t know how Susan was going to take this.

“How? How can I be pregnant? I took the morning after pill they gave to me.” Susan was upset. Not only have they taken her self-respect away from her, but they left something of themselves inside of her.

“I don’t know sweetie. “Rachel holds Susan as she starts crying.

Carol Ann looks over towards her father as she watched her mother hold Susan. She could see the anger in his eyes about this news. She knew he had come to think of Susan like a daughter. Heck, even she thought of Susan as an older sister. She was only a year younger then Susan. She wonders what Susan is going to do. Will she have the baby or have an abortion. She knew her parents value life and every time they had to put a horse or cow calf down, it hurt them.

Rachel helps Susan back to her bedroom and gives her a tranquilizer to knock her out. She comes back to the dining room table and sits down and tries to eat her dinner, but doesn’t feel up to it.

“I wonder what she is going to do?” Carol looks towards her folks.

“Who knows? I know at one time she wanted to have a baby, but that was from someone she thought loved her. She told me that she was mad and angry when she lost the baby from him punching her in the stomach.” Jack remembered the conversions. They had set down and had barbeque sandwiches at the rodeo.

“Her husband punched her in the stomach? Why?” Carol Ann didn’t know this about Susan.

“She thinks, because he didn’t want to have children. She wanted to have a baby, but he didn’t. Now the table is reverse on her. She wasn’t looking to be pregnant and having a child. She wanted to get her life on track. Now she has to decide does she want to carry the baby to full term and raise it? Does she want to get abortion? Or does she want to give it up for adoption? Either way, she’s got to make some sort decision and none of them are good choices.” Jake hated saying that.

He looks towards Carol Ann “I hope and pray you never have to experience anything like this sweetie.”

“I hope not either father, but if I ever did become accidental pregnant, I think I would keep the baby. I know how you and mom love children and sometimes wish you had more than me at times.” Carol knew she was their special baby.

“That is sweet darling. You’re right. I and your father wanted you to have sisters and brothers like we did to grow-up with, but it wasn’t in the greater design of things. If Susan does decide to have the baby, it will be loved in this house hold. Even if she doesn’t love it, we will.” Rachel wouldn’t mind having another child to rise. She loved children and knew how precious they were.

“I would recommend that you wait till you have a career, before thinking about having children Carol. Because, if I know your father right now. He’s ready to kill someone right now.” Rachel looks down at Jake who had become quiet.