Author's Note: Once again I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the comments that you have gifted me with. Most have left me pretty speechless, which my daughters probably think is an impossibility. I do want to say, there is a place where I'm sure several of you are going to be screaming at the story for the kids to open their eyes. Just remember they are only 14, and with both of the challenges each one has faced, they are naive, and not as socially advanced as one would expect them to be. Add to that, they are still struggling with their individual problems, which distracts them from what's right in front of them. I truly hope you all enjoy this next installment. -~Rebecca

I’d like to say that I was able to focus and catch up on the reading that I didn’t get done last night due to my meltdown. I couldn’t though, my mind kept drifting back to how much the changes terrified me last night and then just now how I seemed more than okay with the possibility. I didn’t think I was okay with being a girl, just the thought of my body becoming all curvy sent a shudder through me. I spent most of the two-hour study hall in thought, the only thing I could figure out were the thoughts that had included Sam. Picturing myself as a girl, did scare me, but picturing myself as a girl with Sam… That didn’t seem so bad. Whatever it was, Sam was the key… She was after all my best friend, but did I think of her more than that? I didn’t know honestly. With the sickness and then the sudden surgery, I’ve never really had a chance to feel attracted to anyone at all. I never thought I’d have the chance to ever date or like someone like that, I honestly didn’t know what it felt like. I did know that if I thought of us being more than friends, that stupid warm, flushed feeling would happen. I kept wondering if it was some kind of weird hot flashes I’ve read about when one’s hormones get all screwed up, and I know mine most definitely are. Great… Just one more embarrassing thing I’ve got to discuss with the endo guy on my next visit…

I was still musing over my thoughts when I sat down with another lunch from the pasta line… With the exercising and everything I’ve been doing, carb loading seemed like a good idea. I was still lost in thought when Sam sat down.

“Hey you okay?”, she asked, obviously concerned.

I smiled at her, I found that I couldn’t help it, “Yeah… I’ve just been thinking a lot… About stuff… two hours of study hall gave me a lot of time to think…”

“Okay… You know if you want to talk about stuff… I’ll listen… I just wanted to make sure you were okay, you looked kinda upset.”, she said.

“Nah, I wouldn’t say I was upset…”, I start to say, but I can tell by her eyes that she doesn’t believe me. I continue, “Well maybe… Whatever it doesn’t matter anyway… I’m a lot better now… You seem to be in a good mood though, P.E. not as bad as you thought it would be?”

She smiled really big, “Not at all! Well it was kind of weird at first… Some of the girls didn’t seem to be cool with me being there… That and I had to change and shower in the Coach’s bathroom… I understand their reasoning though… But anyway… The cool part… Several of the girls in my class are on the softball team. Coach has already told them about me wanting to pitch, and even shown the captains some video from when I was pitching baseball. They’re all excited for me to start practice with them next month.”

“Next month? Softball season doesn’t start till next semester… Why so early?”, I ask.

She said excitedly, “Well Coach is hoping for us to take state this year… If I can get ready by the start of the season at least… Several of the girls have offered to help me…”

“Oh…”, I told her, trying to hide my disappointment. Then I asked, “So you don’t really need my help then?”

Her eyes widened, “No Jordie, I want your help. I told the girls you were going to help me practice. It would be like old times… They said that on the weekends that we could meet up at the practice field with them… If that’s okay with you… They can help out with having me pitch against live batters…”

I sighed, “Whew… You started to worry me… I was looking forward to catching your pitches again… So, I take it at least the players are cool with your… Well the real you?”

She nodded, “Yeah… I don’t think they really cared one way or the other, a couple of them today I’m pretty sure are lesbians… While they didn’t say it, they weren’t hiding it either… Shelly and Rachel seem like they’re a couple… Once Coach had showed them some of our game films Coach Bowen shared with her, they were excited about having me…”

With her bringing up a lesbian couple, it made me quickly return to my earlier thoughts. Were we more than friends, could we be, especially once my changes become known… I hesitantly ask, “Umm Sam? Do you mind if I ask you a question? If it’s too personal just say so okay.”

Seeing how serious I was being, she said, “Go ahead Jordie… I don’t mind you asking me anything you want to know.”

With me being afraid, sorry more like terrified to tell her the whole truth, that just made me feel even worse about asking, “I was just wondering… Since you said the girls were lesbians it made me realize I didn’t know if you were attracted to guys or girls… If you don’t want to say… That’s okay…”

She smiled at my nervousness, “You know I’ve never really thought about it… I had all the gender stuff going on in my own head all those years… I guess there wasn’t much room for all that… Well that and baseball…” She giggled, which made me smile. She thought for a few moments, and she looked at me and blushed slightly as if she was embarrassed. She then looked down slightly, and said, “I think I can see myself with a guy… If he was the right one.” She then looked back up at me with that shy smile I rarely saw on her.

My heart sank slightly with that news. If she was into guys, then all my musing about the what ifs was pretty much null and void. I’m barely a guy as it is, and that will be disappearing sooner than I’m ready for it. She must have seen my mood shift, she misread my expression and quickly said, “Hey don’t worry, I wasn’t ever checking you or any of the other guys out on the team or anything… I assume though you’re straight?”

That was something I’d ever thought about either, I told her, “You know I’ve never really thought about it before either…”, at her raised eyebrows I added, “With me getting sick so fast… I honestly thought it was something I’d never get to have… So, I refused to think about what I might miss… It was just easier that way… But to answer your question… I’d have to say I’m straight. I definitely like girls.” I almost had to bite my tongue to keep from adding, ‘Well, at least one specific girl.’

Her expression changed slightly, I couldn’t read it though as she said, “Oh… okay…” I watched her as she looked down and moved some food around on her plate, but not really eating.

After a few minutes of sitting there in silence, I kept wondering if I had said something to upset her. I ran my words over and over in my head and couldn’t think of anything, so I asked, “Sam what’s wrong?”

She looked up at me with a forced smile, “Sorry… Guess you’re not the only one who is thinking about… You know stuff…” She glanced around and looked over at where some of the softball players were sitting together, and she looked back at me suddenly, “Oh I forgot… Coach and some of the other girls were wanting me to ask you something. When we started practice, if you weren’t busy if you could come out and give us a hand.”

Surprised at the sudden mood shift, I asked, “Umm, why do they want me to come? It’s not like I could play or anything.”

She responded laughing, “You, dork, of course you couldn’t play in a game or anything, but since we’re going to have to find and train a new catcher as well, the girls and Coach thought you could help teach her. Plus, I thought it could help you out as well.”

Raising my eyebrows, I tell her, “I don’t mind helping you all at practice at all. How’s it going to help me?”

She genuinely smiled, “I just thought it would get you used to working with the team, plus helping you get into shape for when you try out for baseball. You were going to try to get back on the team, right?”

I totally understand what she’s doing now, so I forced a smile, “Yeah… I have Coach for homeroom and he’s told me that all I have to do is ask, and I’m back on the team.” I tried my best not to look upset, only because I knew it would upset Sam. The truth of the matter was I gave up any chances to place baseball ever again, at last once my hormone regiment was started. I didn’t know how long I could hide the changes, but I really didn’t believe that I could hold out till the season started.

Her eyes were bright, thankfully she must not have seen through my fake smile, “That’s awesome news… Still it wouldn’t hurt to help you get into shape, right? You’ll still come help us?”

At least I got to replace my fake smile with an honest one, her cheerfulness helped me drastically. Without any hesitation, I say, “Of course I’ll help.” I paused for a moment to enjoy her smile as it reached her eyes. I then added, “You know Sam, you didn’t have to give me all those reasons to do it.”

“Really? I thought you’d think it was weird helping out the girl’s team.”, she asked.

I softly tell her, “Sam I would have done it simply because you asked me to.”

For a moment it looked like she almost wanted to cry, but she cleared her throat and reached over to clasp my hand as she told me, “I’m really glad you’re my best friend Jordan.”

I tell her, once again using ever bit of willpower not to give away the hurt I was feeling at that moment, “I’m glad too, best friends, forever right?”

She grinned and nodded, it was at that moment I absolutely knew… I knew that I wanted more than to just be best friends. I didn’t even know what ‘more’ meant, I mean since the sickness and the surgery I’ve never once gotten, well, excited… So, it wasn’t a sexual thing… I just wanted… Well more, for whatever that might mean. It didn’t really matter anyway, it was just another thing to add to my growing list of things I won’t be able to have. I kept trying to tell myself, it’s still better than the alternative… I was starting to have my doubts though, it’s becoming harder and harder though to convince myself.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

The rest of the day was mind numbingly boring… It was high school after all. We both shared classes for the rest of the day and as it was becoming normal for us, we sat together. Except for the times we had to go to our lockers, which were on opposite ends of the school, we were together. Like that old Tom Hanks movie, we ‘was like peas and carrots’… Yeah, I knew that I had spent too much time watching Netflix after I was pulled out of school last year, but that was one of my favorite movies.

Thankfully today I didn’t have to take any books home, I was able to catch up on my reading from yesterday during the last two classes. With it still being the first “B” day most of the teachers were just preparing for classes to start. Unlike Mrs. Tate who insisted on starting ‘real’ class this morning… I was noting how without any of my text books how much lighter my backpack felt, even just from yesterday morning. I knew I hadn’t gotten noticeably stronger in that time frame, but from the activity the last two days I didn’t feel as tired as I had been accustomed to.

I was walking up to our meeting spot outside of school, and I saw Sam already there. I noticed she looked a bit upset, so I asked, “What’s wrong?”

She groaned and with her eyes directed them to a group of snooty girls not too far away, “Just the Barbie clones over there, they keep pointing and giggling at me… I can’t hear what they’re saying at least, but still… It just makes me uncomfortable…” I then glanced over at the group and they were laughing and pointing, Sam said under her breath, “Jordan don’t look at them it’s okay…”

I glanced back at her, and seeing how they upset her royally pissed me off, “No Sam it’s not okay… Not in the least…” I then glare at the ‘clones’ and as soon as Lisa, their ‘like, you know, uhh, leader, duh’ makes eye contact, I use my social finger to let her know just how much I think that her and her posse are number one in my book. They then have the nerve to look surprised and offended, serves the damn bitches right. I keep glaring at them until they decide to walk away from us, then I heard Sam.

“You really are something Jordan… Isn’t it going to bother you what rumors they are probably going to tell everyone?”, she asked.

I shook my head, “Nope not at all… They’re stupid bitches who think popularity and being ‘pretty’ are the most important things in life… It’s all superficial bullshit if you ask me… So, fuck em.”

She gave me a hug and whispered, “Thanks for standing up for me.”

I hugged her back, “You don’t have to thank me… You know me, I can’t help but stand up for anyone who needs it…”

As she let me go she softly chuckled, “Yeah I do know you… Even no matter how badly it might hurt your reputation for doing so…”

I could see guilt on her face, and that about killed me. I knew she was feeling guilty for what would probably be said about me. I reassure her, “Sam stop it okay. They’re stupid bitches, you are so not either one of those. You’re a fucking cool ass chick who doesn’t need the approval of ‘Superficial Barbie’ or anyone else. You’re also going to be the star pitcher that’s going to take the team to nationals…” As she smiled and nodded, I couldn’t help but grin as I add with a smirk, “Besides don’t worry about my rep okay. Earlier during study hall, I heard some people calling me the midget zombie… So, my rep can only go up… Besides, let’s just go already. You know it’s my turn to work you out this afternoon.”

She giggled at me, “I can’t wait… Thanks again Jordan… For like everything…” I just smiled and nodded to her… She also totally forgot to take my backpack from me for the walk home… I didn’t even need to take a break either. With whatever else might be happening to me, at least I’m getting better, at least physically.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

We took a short break when we got to my house, so I could drink my Cinnamon Vanilla Slime. Sam stayed in the kitchen while I drank it, even though I told her she didn’t have to. She had told me it looked so horrible for me to do, she didn’t want me to be alone, so we could both suffer together… She did decline a taste test of it… I couldn’t blame her in the least.

It took us almost a half an hour to drag out and set up all our old stuff from the shed out back. Thankfully the pitching net was still in good shape, as well as our home-made pitching ‘target’, made from an old swing set and a hula-hoop cut, taped together, and suspended from the swing set to approximate the strike zone for her to aim at. We then got the tape measure and spray-painted home plate and set the pitching board into the make-shift mound at the appropriate distances.

We ended up spending about fifteen minutes just throwing the softball around, it was just different enough from throwing a baseball we felt we needed to practice some basics. Another fifteen minutes her practicing softer pitches at half distance before we started the actual pitching. Thankfully she had brought almost thirty softballs, so with our two five-gallon buckets, me carrying the empty one to set the caught balls in and the full one for her to pitch from, we got started.

At first, she was struggling with her accuracy slightly, only one out of four pitches she hit the glove dead on, the other three I was having to move the glove a good bit. By the time we had rotated the buckets out four times, she was down to hitting the glove three out of four. We spent the next five rotations working on nothing but her speed, once we had pretty much nailed down her accuracy.

I wish I could say I didn’t need it, but after the fifth rotation of the buckets I had to grab the make-shift stool Dad had made to sit on. Crouching like I was, and even with the pads on my leg guards doing all the squats was taking its toll on me, and by the time we got done, my legs felt like they were going to catch fire.

By the end of practice, even though it was obvious she was tired, Sam’s fastball was impressive. That was the only pitch we had worked on today since that was going to be her ‘bread-and-butter’ pitch, I was amazed how well she did. It showed her practice during the summer had helped her tremendously. Once she had practiced that one until she could throw it in her sleep, we would move on to a different pitch, and so on. I was expecting us to work on her change up by Thursday and her curve balls by next Monday.

The biggest thing I noticed though, while at school Sam seemed a bit shy and unsure of herself, at least around anyone other than me, is the confidence she had standing on the mound. It brought back so many good memories for me, not that Sam was still a guy and miserable, but because of that connection we had always had. That connection shared by the pitcher and their catcher, and ours had always been strong Having that connection once again felt better than I ever remembered.

That evening after we hugged, and she left, our night was as normal as ever. The parental units seemed excited to see all the old pitching stuff set up in the back yard and did the twenty-question bit about how the practice went. Like earlier, when I was practicing with Sam, this was almost like old times.

After I showered, and the mirror was defogged, I stood there looking at my reflection. I tried to take note of everything about my body. I was still super thin, but no longer emaciated like I had been. I took note of my muddy blonde hair, that was looking pretty unkempt and shaggy. Yet another thing mom suggested that I reluctantly agreed with, it hadn’t been cut since I started the hormone therapy. Her idea was once I looked more female than male it would be good not to have super short hair, and until then as long as it stayed shaggy it was an okay enough look for a guy to have. I then took a look at my blue eyes, they were a fairly deep blue, but under certain lighting conditions you could see flecks of green in them. I then pulled my phone out to compare the pictures I’ve been taking once a week since I started on the road to recovery. My shrink thought it would be a good idea for me to track the progress… Saying something like that seeing how wasted away I had been, even if the changes I saw weren’t what I wanted, that they would still be positive compared to the skin and bones in the first picture.

I looked back at the mirror, and I still saw a guy… Sort of, if he was from like Oz or something. Anyway, I was male, and looked male… Even with the slight pudge around my chest. Then I compared it to the pictures. Just the one from last week I could see noticeable differences, even though they were slight. Comparing the pictures though the closer to the present I got the changes were getting more noticeable from picture to picture. I gulped as I realized that it was indeed speeding up, just as the endo guy said it probably would.

At least I held it together, unlike last night. Maybe I was slowly coming to terms with it, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have the energy in me after last night. I was putting on my PJ bottoms as I heard my phone ding that I had a text.

{Sam text} *** You still up? ***

{Me text} *** Yeah… About to go to bed, what’s up? ***

{Sam text} *** I won’t be able to practice Friday. I have a group meeting. Want to come with me? ***

I had already told her all she had to do was ask something and I’d probably do it. Not like rob a bank or anything, geez… I wouldn’t do that… Although I might think about it…

{Me text} *** Sure, what kind of group. ***

{Sam text} *** It’s my trans support group. I want you to meet my friends there. ***

I gulped, thinking why she would want me to go to a trans support group. She had asked me if I was trans, and I honestly don’t think I am… At least not like any trans person I’ve read about. Maybe she didn’t believe when I denied being trans… I was going over all the scenarios in my head when my phone dinged again.

{Sam text} *** I don’t mean to be pushy… If you don’t wanna go it’s okay… ***

Taking a deep breath, I type back.

{Me text} *** I’d love to go with you. What time?”

 
 
To be continued.