Breathing...Chapter 5

*Before…

I sit back further into the couch and pull my legs under me. It’s more comfortable that you think only it’s just one of those really coded gender deals that guys or non-femme guys aren’t socially allowed to do.

“I’m actually still thinking of all the stuff ahead Dad. What is home going to be like or feel like and I kind of like being Robin but I have no idea how going back to Rob’s going to feel and then there’s school and town and the grandparents and just me trying to walk back into my old life and there’s just so much that’s changed about me.”

“Like being Robin?” He asks.

I nod and pull a small couch cushion in front on me and I hug it. “And the fact I like me, her, I like being Robin and that when I’ve been Robin I’ve met a guy and talked and danced and stuff and it was so much not the end of the world.”

*And Now…

Dad looks at me.

“So that guy…?”

“Danny.”

“Okay Danny, you didn’t mind how you two clicked.”

I shake my head. “No...it was freaky and it was really scary too but in the end it was still sort of exciting...and he was nice and it was kinda cool.”

“Were you attracted to him?”

“Sorta...kinda…? I’m not even sure really but I liked me when I was with him as Robin.”

He’s nodding. “And that’s still a factor in things now?”

I hug the cushion some more. “Yeah, I mean I’m not like oh-em-gee guys or anything but before this summer Rob was pretty sort of sure in his sexuality at least.”

Dad nods. “Sexuality when you’re not straight is rough enough.”

I sort of just gesture in that whole open armed way. “I know right? I mean I’m still trying to get to where me unbecoming Robin is eventually going to happen and how I’m going to react and feel when that happens and all the stuff with home and school. So what the heck am I going to do if this sexuality stuff is still going on in my head too?”

He smiles. “You know we love you regardless right.”

I sigh. “I do and I’m so, so, so lucky you guys do. I’m just still scared Dad and part of me is freaking out even still with you and mom being okay with Robin existing.”

Dad moves and he goes over and he hugs me. “You’re our kid, and that’s enough. Look you’re mom and I we’re not that far removed from you guys. We’re not boomers we’re barely gen x’ers. Sure we didn’t have as many folks coming out and stuff as you guys do but that doesn’t mean we’re not going to support you or your sister.”

He ruffles my hair with his hand. “And if our town can’t deal with stuff then that’s a pretty damned sad state of affairs and all considering these days. But no matter what we’ll face it all together.”

I sigh and lean on him and we stay like that until Mom and my sister and Aunt chris come out from the kitchen and we actually all sit together and we end up talking about things to do and see while we’re here in Halifax.

We’re going to do a mall trip and see where Terri and Aunt Chris work at and we’re going to likely hit a few movies while we’re here since home doesn’t have a movie theater anymore.

We had a little independent one like a long time ago and it does like some plays and things now once in awhile from the whole town cultural crowd and things and they show like private artsy films like documentaries and things but it’s not really a thing most folks go to.

Especially for like general entertainment.

Heck I’m not sure our movie rental place will hold up too much longer with people able to see pay per view movies on their cable or online.

So going to a good theater is a treat.

And there’s going to be more shopping too. Not like Robin shopping like we’re talking about the first time around but school shopping since we’re here in town and we can get stuff all in one go while we’re here and can hit more stores and places.

And oddly enough and it’s kind of serendipitous? I think that’s the word but it’s also Pride week here. Like LGBT+ Pride and none of us except for Aunt Chris has been to one.

It’s kind of neat to hear about that since Aunt Chris is part of the whole thing and not because she’s trans or that she does a weekend drag show either but she’s actually in the organizing group of it too.

We actually talk like this for a couple of hours which is just like a record for us as a family about things and then it’s sort of late and sort of not but we’re all yawning so we decide to call it a night early.

So that leads to a round of using the bathroom and getting ready for bed and Dad taking off to go to the motel with Mom.

They’re going for a break, some private time I think and I don’t want to think too much on it either because y’know just nope and eeeew.

Terri and I get changed and we head off to the spare room and she’s been using that while she’s been living here and it shows with all of her stuff that she’s picked up since being here and we set up a bed in a bag which is pretty cool and loads better than a sleeping bag on the floor and her and I stay up for awhile watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on her laptop.

I fall asleep after the second show.

It’s not too bad a show and kinda rough and raunchy but that doesn’t bother me. It’s just after leaving camp and coming home all in the same day and all the shock and stuff with my family and being full from supper I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.

My dreams sweep me up in visions of Moon lake and of being Robin in my hometown and no one knowing that I’m...was Rob but I’m just the new girl.