*Before…

I do buy some things for me as Robin. I’m not sure how or when I’m going to use them and it might just be only home or back at Moon Lake.

But I get them anyways.

It’s a good day...I’m really kind of privately doing the roller coaster between scared of what’s coming and being angry that I have to change and scared that I don’t want to change and what that even means and sad too when I think about either changing or how messed up I feel about all of this.

We stop at Aunt Chris’s place again and drop things off and go and change again and we all take off to have supper heading out to King of Donair.

Yeah it’s something we all like and again one of those things that you have to travel to get when it’s really good like they do it. Home is okay but it’s not going here and after we really stuff ourselves there we head to the mall to go and see another movie that we wanted to see while we’re here.

Mom and Dad go see something by themselves and yeah they look like they’re going to do more than just watch a movie and Terri and Aunt Chris and myself we go and get our snacks and we settle in.

Tomorrow...likely it’ll be time to put being Robin away tomorrow.

*And Now…

The movie was fine but really it just sort of felt like going back to rob was hanging over me and the night some.

I knew that I was getting sympathetic looks from Aunt Chris some of the time and when it got late Terri and I crashed.

She actually pulled me into bed with her.

“This doesn’t happen with Rob, I don’t know this, this is just different.”

And I didn’t even sleep that well either.

Bad dreams.

And it wasn’t dreams of being outed either which you’d almost figure would have been a thing but it was more like me dreaming of all my friends from camp.

And the lives that they were leading and all of the things that were going on with them and them actually transitioning and all these really good things.

I really do hope at least some of it comes true.

But me?

I was just me.

And getting more stuck in a rut being Rob stuck at home in my one dead horse town working at crap jobs and just going through the motions.

And honestly it was really close to something that could happen.

I didn’t know that you could have dismal nightmares.

Getting up and getting ready was slow and Aunt Chris did help with ample really good coffee and that helped a lot then we packed up everything.

Mom and Dad had a really good night too.

I could just tell by the looks that they were sharing with each other and those little touches and signals and everything.

So I put a smile on my face and really, really tried to concentrate on the good things.

It was still pretty hard and it really sucked saying goodbye to Aunt Chris for both me and for Terri who learned a lot being here.

I will always love the Cool Aunt Hug that she gave me.

Then it was driving home and it was a long drive and one that was too short all at the same time.

God...everything seemed different and yet so badly the same all at the same time.

The same places and what looked like the same things going on and then driving through town we ended up going home.

Okay there was work to be done already with lumber in the yard and there being a lot of tree length firewood in a massive pile in the yard too.

I hate firewood.

Part of me groaned inside just seeing all of the projects.

I mean I love my grandpa and everything but the end of summertime he gets all projecty before the snow starts to fly.

Literally months and months away but I’ve been gone and he’s likely got everything planned for me to do with him and Dad.

Okay it was not as bad as I thought that it was and my mood definitely colored things.

We came home and unpacked and as soon as I seen my room I knew that I wanted to change it.

Which mom was all for since it meant cleaning things.

The cousins hadn’t touched too much stuff between my room and Terri’s so it wasn’t too upsetting and things but we still cleaned everything while Mom and Grandma cooked or finished this big supper that Grandma had planned.

Part of me wanted to be in the kitchen too.

And even though they knew, know about Robin just thinking of going there was hard.

I’ll admit my room needed clearing and the color was fine and all it’s just that there was stuff that I wanted to come down and to put some other stuff up. So after walls were washed and the carpet cleaned I moved things around and put up some shelves that were one of those things we were always going to get around to doing.

So some pictures in actual frames from Halifax and the cheap dollar store places and a cork board for things like some of my pictures that I have from there as well as postcards and my plane and bus ticket and some of my tourist stuff.

The school stuff sorted and unpacked and things put away I was glad to just be done.

Terri was washing like everything we had and while the cousins weren’t dirty or bad people there’s this whole thing of what did other people do and everything.

I mean realistically.

And Robin carefully went into rubber totes under my bed with some dryer sheets and everything taken care of and sorted.

I couldn’t put her into my closet.

I couldn’t…

I end up having a moment where the non sleep and the stress catches up with me and I cry some to myself.

I get called to supper and I go and I was my face so I’m not too blotchy and I sort of wet my hair too and then head to the dining room where all these really great smells are coming from.

Lobsters just in the shell and a big pot of them and then there’s homemade fried chicken potato salad and a lovely plate of garden veggies all sliced and set out. Okay stuff fresh from the garden does cheer me up a little it really is a taste from home.

I guy shake hands and half-hug grandpa who does the same and pounds me affectionately on my back.

“Welcome back kiddo, you and me and your dad have a lot of stuff to do when you’re not working.”

I fake a smile. “Missed you grandpa, we’ll get things done don’t worry.”

Then grandma hugs me really tightly and she whispers in my ear. “Later tonight when he’s watching his shows I’m coming over. I want to meet Robin.”

Okay...I’m pretty surprised all over again.