Chapter 11 — Redefining a smile.

“Welcome to your teens, again.” smiled Maritza sympathetically.

“UGH” grunted Sarah into her pillow. “It was bad enough first time around.”

“Right, well I fancy spending some time on deck doing one of the few activities where I don’t have to talk to my parents.” Grinned Maritza whilst delving through her dresser and emerging with a barely decent bikini. Sarah looked up from the pillow and looked confused.

“Sunbathing my dear.” Giggled Maritza, “We are going to go catch some rays, you can ‘guard’ me, and I can give you some classes from the Maritza Zimann School of Girlhood.”

“Shouldn’t it be womanhood for me? I’m 21!” protested Sarah indignantly.

Fixing her with a disproving look and a hand on her cocked hip, Maritza replied in a patronising tone; “Walk before you can run my dear, as much as I don’t want to admit it; even I’m not a woman yet. Anyway, stop stalling, and grab your suit.”

Pulling herself off her bed, Sarah gingerly approached her dresser as if it contained a live bomb. Could she let her friends see her in something so tiny? Could SHE let her see herself?

“I will be right back.” Sarah called as she grabbed her suit and vanished into the bathroom. Here she was safe from her blushing attacks as Maritza changed, something she wasn’t used to yet, and more importantly, Maritza couldn’t see HER change.

Stripping naked, Sarah surveyed what she saw in the mirror: A flat chested girl with olive skin and deep brunette hair. Of course, she was omitting the main discrepancy in the image. A tear rolled down her cheek as her eyes fell to the penis that nestled in her pubic hair. It wasn’t the thing itself that hurt her. It was its presence on her body. The pain its presence caused had been increased in the last several days. The more she had embraced the way she should be, the more her gawky slim hairless body seemed good, but that one thing would always remind her it wasn’t right….

Grabbing a roll of medical tape from her toilet bag, she proceeded to tape and tuck the disgusting thing back out of sight. Satisfied with her work, she pulled the white crocheted string bikini bottoms up her long legs. She was sceptical as to the efficacy of such a tiny garment at protecting her modesty, but as she thought back to Eva and Maritza’s words, she knew exactly what she had to do…. WEAR IT…. And not just wear it, but wear it confidently. She had to stop caring. Everyone on the boat knew her. Pretty much everyone knew her past now, save the real crew members and the Premier himself.

Tying the top after much contortion and wriggling. She looked in the mirror. A skinny flat chested girl looked back at her. She would have to talk to Mrs Zim… Eva, about those hormone pills… She NEEDED help badly. Balling her fists, she unlocked the door and stepped back into the berth.

”Heeeyyy, Lookin good,” grinned Maritza devilishly, similarly clad in not much.

Turning as red as the evening sun, Sarah resisted the temptation to run back to the sanctuary of the bathroom.

“Is it ok?” she asked nervously.

“Yeah, you look fine, stop worrying. You’re meant to be the one protecting me remember?” giggled Maritza.

Blushing anew, Sarah busied herself with collecting her handbag and Glock. As she turned towards the door she heard a theatrical cough behind her.

“You going up there like that?” asked Maritza with an eyebrow cocked questioningly as she tied a sarong around her waist.

It dawned on Sarah eventually. Perhaps this confidence thing was overrated?

Finally, properly attired, the two girls made their way up to the main deck of the yacht, giggling like schoolgirls. Well, like a bodyguard and a schoolgirl.

“Rawr.” Growled Thomas playfully,” Pity I left the scopes at home.” The horny trooper was reclining against a railing with his mp5 in his lap and his shades on the end of his crooked nose.

“So I suppose you think you’re some sexy piece huh?” snorted Sarah in mock disgust. “You can’t afford this on your rank, I know what you make.” She grinned slapping her butt playfully.

Thomas shook his head and grinned pushing his shades back up his nose. “Jeez Yakobavitch, for someone who spent most of their life as a dude you really don’t know much about how we think. I mean, look at you, wiggling around in that little thing as if it were a god damn bhurka.”

“I don’t follow,” replied Sarah, taken off guard. “What am I DOING to you?”

“You know what a guy thinks when he sees a chica in not much, and you’re teasing us with that lil ass as if you were a regular girl.”

Feeling her colour rise, Sarah turned and walked up to Corporal Thomas till she was about 6 inches from his face. “See, here was me thinking I was just walking.” She growled.

”And I’ll pretend I didn’t hear the last bit.”

Pushing himself up off the railing, the Corporal pulled himself up to his full height. “Sarah; you are not a regular girl. You’re half girl at best, at worst; you’re a dude that looks like a girl. Teasin guys like that could end up getting you killed; Sayeret Matkal or not.” He replied nonchalantly.

“Excuse me?” demanded Sarah indignantly. “I AM a regular girl. Because my plumbing does not match does not change that. How I choose to walk or not is my concern. If you can’t keep your fucking pecker in your shorts that’s your problem, not mine. It comes out of your pants, it comes off…. Got it?” growled Sarah, gripping the man by his privates.

Turning, Sarah marched off without waiting for a reply.

“What the hell was that?” Maritza asked as soon as she was out of sight.

“I’m not sure.” sighed Sarah. “I guess the strain of things being so sudden hasn’t just been on me.”

“You can say that again.” nodded the younger girl solemnly. “But you did ‘handle’ him well.” She smiled, resting her hand on Sarah’s shoulder. “Guys behave like that to all girls, honey, its part of life…”

“You’re serious? Ugh, fucking pigs.” muttered Sarah leaning against the railing and feeling the ocean breeze wash over her. “Here was me thinking it was because they think I’m some halfway freak that’s tricking them into being turned on by me. That was what it was right? He was blaming me for making him attracted to me?”

”Yup, they do it anyway. It’s like the most common excuse guys give for forced sex or rape. ‘She looked sexy, so she clearly wanted it.’.”

“Seriously?” replied Sarah with a look of shock and disgust on her face.

Maritza nodded. “Yup, guys are like that in school. They all think girls look sexy or pretty just for them. Selfish fucks. Like we exist to please them, so when we look good, its just for them, and we do it for their attention. Though I admit part of his reaction was classic ‘stop making me gay’itis.”

Sarah frowned and looked back over her shoulder at Maritza who was leaning against the bulkhead of the yacht. “What’s that?”

Shaking her head sadly Maritza was silent a moment before responding. “Look, honey, I know how fresh this all is, and its been sort of good so far, but believe me, there are men who will be pissed if they find out. They will see you as a guy who tricked them into being gay. I know it sounds harsh.” She continued quickly, “But this is an honest truth, sweetie. I’ve heard people talk about people like you in school, its not a common topic sure, but its come up when its been on the TV or something. You know? What would you do if you found out your partner wasn’t the sex you thought….”

Chewing her bottom lip Maritza continued her difficult lesson. “There was this girl in the United States I saw on the TV right? She was like you. These guys she dated found out what she was and killed her… I just want you to be aware, ok?” She whispered as she hugged her friend tightly.

“Reality sucks.” mumbled Sarah quietly.

Pulling away from her friend, she felt suddenly very cold; Very very aware of her position. It was a feeling she had experienced before; Cold hard reality, after that bubble of fiction bursts. She had experienced it once when she had been ambushed in Syria by a terrorist cell they had thought they were tracking. That realisation that the hunter was now the hunted was exactly the same. Sarah however wasn’t the same person who had fought through that. This was her life. This mattered, and it was too much. Running back to the railing, Sarah began to heave over the side of the boat.

Once she felt better, and had convinced Maritza likewise. She excused herself and went below decks. This whole thing was too much. It wasn’t the matter of coming out so abruptly. It was the way that seemingly, nobody cared. It hadn’t seemed like a big deal to anyone, but they masked their true feelings as well as she. Was she even a she? Sure, she had felt it her whole life. And the last few days had felt more right than any other she had lived. But was being seen by those few friends she had as some half and half freak, worth it?

She was acutely aware of the strain she put on those she loved. It seemed stupid now she thought about it. She was deluded; Crazy!

Half conscious, and half on some form of auto pilot, Sarah walked the hallways of the yacht in a daze. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was going. Had she ever been in the last few days? She only really knew one thing, to most, she was a burden, others, a disgusting deviant. Would Ben the paramedic have killed her if she had told him? She felt guilty for his finding her attractive now; A deep painful guilt. The same feeling towards her greatest friend, Ari. Maritza had told her what she had seen in Ari. What she was doing to her friend wasn’t right. This whole thing wasn’t right. She felt so confused.

Sliding down to her knees against a bulkhead in a dark corridor of the Yacht, she came to a realisation. A beam of light in the dim passageway. This world was better off without her. Pulling the Divers blade from her bag she gripped the blade with her left hand tightly. Watching the trickle of blood run down the hilt as she held it just made her sob harder. What was she doing? It was too much too soon, she was cracking. She couldn’t cope with this. Hell, if Thomas thought like that, what did all the others who ‘accepted’ her think? Were they secretly enemies? Sarah was confused and distracted. This all seemed so sudden, but so real. Like she had woken up from a dream to realise she lived a nightmare.

Balling her resolve, she raised the blade in her shaking hand, tears rolling freely down her cheeks. Before she could back out, she ran the blade deep through her left wrist.

Sarah gasped as she blade entered her flesh. It wasn’t a pain as she had expected, a thud of adrenaline hit her as the steel broke her flesh. The only pain she felt was in her heart, and a light throb in her arm. Blood mingled with tears on her lap as she cried. This was for the best. She was doing people a favour. Things would be better without her fucking things up. Of all the things she had done, this made most sense. For the best…

As things went black, Sarah couldn’t think of anyone she hated more than herself. Not for the reasons that brought her to do what she had done. But for what she had done. As hateful of herself and her life as she was, she felt like a coward; taking an easy way out.

“Ugh Fuck.” She whispered and closed her eyes.