Chapter 13 – Walls Coming Down

Dr. Cramer ushered me into her spacious office. She had a table as well as a couch. “Thank you kindly.” I was wrapped up in using the language of my new favorite television show, ‘Due South.’ I loved the Canadian politeness. And Paul Gross was anything but gross. I saw the fixings for making tea on the table and just went ahead and started making It for both of us. I put the cup of tea down in front of Erin and then placed mine at the table too. Dr. Cramer smiled at me as she and said thank you as I sat down for tea and my first monthly session with her. A little tea party between us girls.

“So, Doug tells me that you two talked at length about me.” I said nervously as I took a sip of my tea and put it back down.

“Yes, and I think we need to take the serious thing off the table first. I need to hear you say that you are contemplating what he said you were when you two first met. I heard from him that he just didn’t see you crossdressing in your room through his binoculars.”

I shifted uneasily in my chair shocked that he saw more than my just dressing in my sister’s clothes. In the back of my mind, I had always hoped he missed seeing everything I was doing when he moved in and didn’t see my inner turmoil too. “Umm, what else did he see through my window?”

“You doing something with a Ken doll.”

She had me. He did see it. She could tell by my reaction that I knew what exactly what she was talking about.

“Do you need me to tell you what he saw you doing?”

“No, I need to tell you. I need to tell someone.” I shifted back into my chair, crossed my legs, put my hands in my lap, and faced her because it was time to discuss this. “I didn’t know that he saw that I was hanging the ken doll with a string formed into a noose.” I hung my head in shame after saying it knowing I was found out.

She put her hand on my knee. “Samantha, do you feel the same way now?”

I looked back up at eyes that clearly cared for me. “Oh no, Doug has let me be me and taught me how to enjoy life. I would never think of doing that now. I was very depressed back then. I had lost my grandfather. I didn’t share my feelings because I was afraid of being punished for wanting to be a girl. I held on to every secret and felt so isolated that I was contemplating something stupid. These last few years, I have learned to reach out and trust in others who care for me. Doug made sure that I connected with my mother and my sister by making me do chores. I didn’t understand it at the time. I thought he was crazy. But I came to realize that I was bonding with my mother and sister. Since then, I have been able to go to them and talk about my problems. I even saw how much of a brat I was to my older sister and confessed that to her. I would take out my anger on her instead of talking to her. And I even spend time with my macho brother Robert now.”

“Thank you for being honest. I knew Doug was right. You have changed how you dealt with your problems in a healthy way. I just needed to hear you say that. Want to hear some good news about what you were doing with the Ken doll that might make you feel better?” She smiled at me.

“What? Is that even possible, Erin? I mean, I was thinking about doing something really stupid. I am not proud of that.”

“You were hanging Ken, not Barbie. You weren’t hanging your real self. Honestly, I don’t think you were that far gone yet. But, Doug stayed with you every day and decided to be your friend because he knew that you needed someone to talk to besides your wall. He told me that he sat there planning out the whole thing while you did your homework. He knew he needed to get you to reveal your true self in order for him to help you find your real self.” She shifted back in her seat and told me the rest of the story.

“Doug told me quite a bit more that you don’t know. I asked him why he didn’t get you professional help. It turns out he tried. He used his connections with his parent’s office to find out what your medical insurance covered. He found out that your mom’s policy had lapsed with her leaving teaching full time and that, under your dad’s policy, you would have seen a doctor that didn’t believe in Gender Dysphoria. I cannot professionally tell you why I agree with Doug, but he heard something about Dr. Holdrege that made him realize that you would be worse off if you were under his care than under Doug’s. Don’t quote me, but he may have been right. It turns out that is when he casually brought subjects up to me. Everyone knows Doug is going to be a doctor one day and he is known among his parent’s colleagues as someone who constantly is asking them questions on their toughest cases. One of the tough cases I handle happens to be transgender issues because it is so misunderstood. So I thought nothing of it when he started asking me questions about a hypothetical child a couple of years younger than him with older siblings. I can’t approve of what he did, but I can’t condemn it either. And he told me that if he found you straying from what was best for you, he would have gotten you in to me as soon as possible anyway. So, he wasn’t playing a game with your life.”

I sat there stunned. “You mean Doug had been seeking professional advice for me all this time?”

“Oh, yes, by proxy. He got advice from his mother, or his mother’s colleagues, and more. He is a very resourceful boy. I shouldn’t say boy. He is a young man now. Just a little taller than I am now. And, I don’t think you realize it, but Doug has held back on his schooling to stay with you. He should be a sophomore in college now instead of a senior in high school.”

“I love that boy! No, I love that young man!” I was awe struck by the finding out of what he really did for me all these years.

“There is one other thing that he brought up that we will go over in a future session. Your perceptions of size. Although not a big issue, Doug was sneaky there too. He got you to learn to cook. Now you associate food with service to others and not interpret it in terms of how you look which means you avoided anorexia. But, we don’t need to go into that now. Just something for you to think about. Now that we have cleared that off the table, tell me about your month. What about October has made you feel the best, the worst, anything you need answering? And what are you going to be for Halloween?”

“Well, as you know, the missions continue. Speaking of what you just said, I think they mostly want me for my cooking now. The agents know I love to cook. I am used in different ways too. That makes it more interesting. Sometimes I am just playing in a yard while they talk to pervert or they have me swimming in a pool. Things like that. They call me window dressing. They had a special agent come out to make a mold of my privates so they could make a special prosthetic for me. Agent Debbie played my mother or sister last week in a photo shoot for a future mission. And I found out she has been going on Daddy dates with her sick father. It makes me feel good to know I helped her by talking to her about her feelings.” I told Erin about what was said on the porch. Erin was impressed with my counselling skills.

“Well, boys can talk about their feelings too you know.” Erin commented, “But we girls do a much better job.” She winked at me and continued. “How about school?”

“Well, that couldn’t be better. We learned The Coventry Carol for choir some weeks ago. Grace and the small group agreed that it wasn’t the best piece for Grace. However, Elysa Palmerton does sing it very well. It requires a great deal of breathing control to sing it right as a solo and Grace isn’t in good enough shape. I was impressed that Grace even asked Mary if she thought it would be good for Elysa to do it and for Grace to find another piece. Everyone was happy. Working with Mary and Elysa at my home for practice, I found out she was a big fan of the show Due South on TV. So, she started coming over to practice and watch the video tapes I recorded of the show afterwards on cable. And, I am teaching Elysa how to cook while Doug spends more time with Mary. Elysa is a good student and we are bonding too.”

“Sounds like you are ready for a sleep over.”

“Oh, how did you know?”

“I was once a girl too. Don’t quote me on that.” We giggled.

“We are doing that too. This very weekend in fact. I have to do it with Jane and Mary present or my Mom won’t allow it.”

We talked some more. I mentioned that I might like to be Princess Leia for Halloween. I left the session and went home with Mom happy as could be. “Do you mind if I don’t help with dinner tonight. I would like to go talk with Doug.”

“Sure honey.”

I knocked on Doug’s door and he answered. I looked at him and started to say “I didn’t know you …”

Doug raised his hand and stopped me. I heard his mother stirring around their living room. One of the few times she is around these days. She had a cold it turned out. “Let’s go for a walk.” He said.

As we slowly walked down our street, Doug related the rest of the story, “Dr. Cramer was right to tell you what I said. I have been seeking professional help for you for years. I knew how deeply depressed you were when we first met. I worked out everything for you I could. Every contingency. Even your medications were planned. Some were placebos designed to make you forget your size issues. Most really stopped the boy hormones. And one really did retard your growth to keep you to average height. I gave you some female hormones designed to test your body’s reaction to them. And some allowed you to grow, albeit in a more feminine direction. All of them administered based on advice from professional doctors I knew thanks to my parents. In a strange sort of way, you already understand what I did. I did for you what you did for Cybil. And like you did with Cybil, I fell in love with my friend and would do anything for her.”

“But, I am confused. What do you get out of it? I got a chance to be myself for the whole world to see. I just learned I slowed down your schooling. I don’t want to ruin your life by your helping me.” He could hear the concern in my voice.

“You haven’t. Far from it. Look, I don’t need to rush through life to prove how smart I am. That is easy when you are a genius. The hard part is having a family. Haven’t you noticed that my parents are so wrapped up in their research they hardly are part of my life? I am expected to feed me, clothe me, and take care of me because I am a ‘genius.’ They rationalize that they don’t want to stifle me. I may be smart, but not that family smart. Thanks to you, I have a macho jock brother who values me, a beautiful sister who needs my help in school on occasion, and a younger sister who needs my care constantly. School couldn’t give me what I really wanted. Plus, I get a mom and a dad to boot. I don’t think you fully understand. You rescued me too. Thanks to you, I have something I desperately needed when I moved in across the street from you. I have family time. What school book could ever give me that? I even have a Dad I can go to for advice. And trust me, I need advice. I have a Mom who nags me too and looks after me.”

“And, if you say you now love me, do you need me to be your Mary too one day? Am I your Pygmalion?” I asked the question that I have been pondering since summer.

“No, but I do need you to be my sister. I am not interested in you romantically. But I do need and want your friendship. I want to be part of your life because without you I won’t ever have family if I don’t.”

We stopped. I put two and two together and the result was family. I took his lovely hand in both of mine and held it to my heart. “Then this is where you will always be Doug. And you will always be my brother. You have my eternal gratitude.” Tears filled our eyes and we hugged. “I love you brother! When we do our next family portrait, I want you to be in it.”

“I would love that Sis. And I love you too.” I smiled at being called Sis by him. From that day forward, Doug started calling me Sis.

We turned around and started walking back to my house. “Doug, did you accept that I was a girl at first?”

“Well, not exactly. I was confused when I saw you the first time. At first I thought you were just playing. Then I saw the Ken doll and I knew it was much more serious and I needed to find out more. I first talked to a Dr. Holdrege about it. I didn’t like his answers. He is the doctor you would have gone to if you had used your Dad’s policy. He called someone like you a transvestite who needed to be punished out of their behavior. Eventually, I talked to Dr. Cramer. After learning what Gender Dysphoria was in my research of psychiatry, Dr. Cramer gave me insight about who you really were and that it was real, not imaginary. From there, I just started to learn about it based on the latest medical research at University. By the time of your reveal, I was ready for what you had to say and to accept you as a girl.”

“What do you think causes it?”

“Well, there really aren’t any studies sadly. It is a rare condition that only shows up in a very small part of the population so it hardly gets the attention it needs. But, in 1995, a study finally showed that there is a physical indicator that supports being at risk of being transgendered.”

“What is it?”

“Hold your palms up Sis.” I put out my hands and he looked at my palms. “Here, look at your index finger on your right hand. It is longer than your ring finger.”

“I see that. I don’t get it. What does it mean?”

“It is a permanent record showing that you may have received more estrogen than testosterone in the womb. It is just an indicator and not definitive. Genetic variances play a factor too. There are men who have the same feature and it doesn’t affect them at all. What it means is that your brain may have remained feminine while your body developed as a boy in the womb. Technology is only recently allowing us to measure other things too in the brain. But, I have a personal suspicion too.”

“And what is that?”

“We have so inundated our food supply with various chemical additives that I believe that anyone of them could affect us too. For example, there is a study proposal I read about not too long ago that they were finding women who smoked menthol cigarettes during pregnancy might have children who are at higher risk of developing adult asthma. We are damaging our bodies everyday with toxins that didn’t exist two hundred years ago. We have yet to understand the eventual damage of our high tech science. For example, did you know that in the late 1800s that people were dying from arsenic infused wallpaper? Why, because they didn’t know better. I think that transsexuality may have a physical cause as well as a mental one that we just don’t understand yet. It could be as simple as a hormone booster or steroid that permeates the protection of the placenta. I just know you have a physical indicator. More indicators may show up in the future. There is every indication to me that adjusting environmental factures could reduce the occurrence of the condition. That is one of the reasons I will not only study medicine and get my doctor’s degree, but, I plan to study biochemistry too. Eventually, those two sciences have got to start working together to understand why your index finger isn’t the same as Robert’s index finger or your father’s.”

“What does Robert’s look like?”

“His is much shorter than his ring finger as is your father’s index finger. It really shows why he is first string and so aggressive. He is likely to have affairs if he gets married. And it shows that he is a fast runner.”

“And my Dad’s index finger, what does it show you?”

“His index finger isn’t as pronounced as your brother’s, but it is definitely male. He is less aggressive than your brother and I could have predicted that just from the lengths of their index fingers. And, your dad isn’t a skirt chaser.”

I took Doug’s hand and looked at it. “I see your index finger is shorter than your ring finger, but not by a huge margin. Which means you are more like my Dad. Sorry, our Dad. Wow, you are incredible for studying all this just for me. Thank you.”

“You are welcome. But, don’t assume I am right. The ’95 study isn’t the best. They have too small a sample if you ask me. But, there is some evidence there. So, don’t tell Dr. Cramer you have proof. She won’t use the study as proof.”

“Fair enough. Where do we go from here?”

“Next year, after your birthday, you will have a decision to make. Be a girl at eighteen, be a girl in eight weeks, or be a boy for the rest of your life. If you choose to be a boy, then stay home. If you choose to be a girl at eighteen, stay with your family in Massachusetts for one semester. If you choose to be a girl in eight weeks, choose Canada.”

“Those are unique options. But how can you get around the law? I have to wait until I am eighteen to become a girl surgically, right?”

“Trust me. Just trust me.” Doug smiled that smile that said he had it all worked out. Funny thing was, I believed him.

“One last thing before we go in. In September of next year, I will be going to Harvard Medical School. The last four months of your journey to your birthday, I won’t be there with you. But, if you choose to be a girl at eighteen or in eight weeks, I will be there for you whether you go to Canada or Massachusetts. And, I will be there to help integrate you into your family as a girl.”

“I don’t know if I can make it without you here, Doug.” I said sadly.

“Oh, you will be fine. You will have Mary and will have Dr. Cramer. You have come a long way. In fact, I could leave now and you would be fine. But, that means losing family time. And that is too valuable to me.”

“But you will be gone for four years at least, right?”

“Nah, I have a suspicion I will be coming home fairly soon after my sister comes back home to support her. But, if I don’t go in September, I can’t be there for you when you will need me the most, your coming out to your parents. There is an excellent college just up the road here where I can get a degree after I get back. And getting my medical degree will be a piece of cake.”

“Why give up Harvard though?”

“Because the Holy Bible says, ‘Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for a friend.’ You are my friend Samantha and always will be. A Harvard degree is no replacement for a family. Speaking of which, what’s for dinner Sis?”

“Beef Wellington. Mom is trying a new recipe.”

“Sounds fantastic. Are you going to try it out on your next mission?”

“Maybe. Or tacos and enchiladas. I hear it is going to be in Arizona this next time. I have to wear this thing called a gaff that they have custom made for me. It has to be glued on. That way I can swim topless in a pool. Do you want to come along?”

“No, but I think you should let ‘Dad.’ I think it will help you get him ready for having a daughter for life and not a son. Trust me grasshopper, the way of the blade of grass is always up.”

“I am so not going to take Kung Fu for you, Doug Ryland!” I tickled Doug’s side.

“But how ever will you take this pebble from my hand?” Doug said in a faux Chinese dialect.

“Goof!” I side hugged Doug.

We went inside our home and closed the door.

Mary, Jane, Elysa, Grace, Sarah Leitner, and I sat in our living room playing with Alice, Ben, and Carol. Funny thing with us. Triplets made doing a sleep over fun. I don’t know why, but watching seven month old babies and talking really worked. We talking about everything it seemed like.

I had brought my keyboard down and we sang lullabies to the babies. They fell asleep and then we brought out a folding chair and put it in front of the mirror I did alterations with. Jane brought down her makeup and we tried out different looks and hair styles. We told Sarah that next time we would do dress up.

Jane started to teach us her way of doing makeup. “I want each of you to look in the mirror. Find your natural beauty first and work to enhance it and enjoy it. The problem we girls have is when we girls do makeup such that we wear the criticism of others instead of letting the makeup be our own best friend covering mistakes. The objective is for you to look natural and at the same time enhanced with strategic flaws either removed or made invisible.”

I learned about head bands and began to try them on. They taught me more about using accessories in my hair. Sarah even braided my hair. That was fun. My hair was growing longer and I was finishing up a growth spurt that I hadn’t realized Doug had let my body have at the start of summer. According to the doctor and what Doug was saying, it was exactly like the ones my mother and sister had. I would be skinny and tallish as I grew another inch or so. True to what I learned about my family, my boobs weren’t growing, but small amounts of curves were working their way around my body. And, I was growing some hair in my armpit and around my penis. But, no facial hair was forming. I had seen pictures of my mom and Jane. They were walking sticks until about twelve when they slowly filled out and started puberty in earnest at thirteen.

At the end of the next week, my Dad and I flew into an airport outside of Tubac, AZ. There is an old mission there and it is mostly an artist’s community south of Tucson, AZ. I never expected to see signs in the metric system here, but the Interstate was signed both in kilometers and miles. We pulled off before Nogales and headed into the hills along winding roads that led up to a nice home with a large swimming pool and a view of the city lights at night. Agent Debbie came out to greet me and my Dad who made the journey with me this time. She was pleased to meet my dad finally. November in Arizona was quite a bit warmer than back home where we dealing with the first frost warnings of the season. It was hot and dry. The high was 85 degrees. They said it would hit about 45 tonight. The sky was sunny and I heard the stars would be wonderful tonight.

I sat down with my Dad, the agents, and agents from the Border Patrol to discuss the mission at a rather large table. The décor was southwest. Large round beams in the ceiling with some kind of dark sticks on top of them. The table was dark wood and large. The chairs felt more like thrones than real chairs. I felt very small in them. The walls were what I was told was called adobe. Smooth and a manly pink. The floor was a rough shiny tile that looked hand made. It was uneven and hard to walk on with heels.

Agent Debbie spoke first. “Samantha, Agent Marcos and Juanita are with the Border Patrol. They have been tracking young girls being funneled through Nogales, Mexico, up near the border crossing on I-87 in New York going into Canada. In Montreal, they are being turned into sex slaves. This is where your talents come in Samantha. Your fluency in French can be used for the first time as well as your acting skills. There is somewhere in the border area a tunnel where the young girls are being brought into the United States. So profitable is this enterprise that they have dedicated the tunnel to girls only and no drugs. This means that we can’t even use our drug sniffing dogs to find the tunnel.”

“So, this won’t be a single performance? It will be a weekend of being in the company of human traffickers?” Dad asked. The worry in his voice was evident.

“Yes, except that it will be just an afternoon.” said Agent Debbie, “I am going to be Samantha’s sister. I am a hostess and she is my helpful sister. She and I are going to serve drinks and food at the poolside tomorrow. The story is that I am renting out my house to these people for a party and my sister is helping. Several of the Montreal gang are here. With it being outdoors, we can’t mike up a room and listen to them. As you pass around the tray Samantha, try to pick up anything you can about that they say in French.”

“Oui !”

“No, don’t let them know you speak French. One of our under cover guys a few weeks ago tried to find out how the border crossing in Canada was set up for this trafficking. He inadvertently said he would be glad to move his car when asked in French to move it and blew his cover that he didn’t speak French.”

“Sorry, I understand.”

“How will I know that my daughter will be safe?”

“Because on hill, our surveillance team will be in plain sight. See, they think they have one upped us and they like to rub our nose in it. They know we can’t eavesdrop on a pool party. Also, a few weeks ago, during our last mission, we took photos of Agent Debbie and Samantha. So, their photos were put in the house days ago when our undercover man turned them into servants for his boss. Needless to say, his boss is happy. But, very tight lipped about where the tunnel is. So, our agents will be watching across the way on another hill in plain view and they won’t do a thing. Plus, we have the place surrounded by agents in the ground who are camouflaged should they do anything. Samantha will be very safe. We can call it off if you want.”

Dad looked at me. “Dad, you know I love to listen to gossip. Between Jane, Grace, Mary, and Elysa, I know almost all the important bits of gossip at my school. Including that I have a tumor in my bladder and that is why I have to go to the office to pee.” He gave me a strange look. “Oh, it’s okay. They are taking bets as to how big it is. Mary is so going to clean up.” I sipped my Arizona Sun Tea and smiled at him rather coyly.

“Okay, just as long as she is safe. So, how do I get in on this tumor pool?” Dad stuck his tongue out at me and started to play footsy with me. We laughed.

Agent Juanita and I started to cook a nice meal for the gang. I finally found an agent who knew how to cook. Turns out that she did get government training in the Army. She wasn’t bad. She taught me how to make tacos, empanadas, enchiladas, and other traditional Mexican dishes. The agents were getting used to my cooking and I was thrilled. And heuvos rancheros for breakfast the next day.

The food for the poolside part was catered so Agent Debbie, aka my sister Belinda, and I, her sister Eleanor, worked the party. I would go into the kitchen and grab the platters and walk around offering the gentlemen at the party food. There were ten men and three women. And two of them of the men I could tell spoke French. While serving them, I overheard one of the men refer to the “sortie” next to the “lit cherries.” Both of them laughed. I offered them breaded shrimp and they took it.

During subsequent conversations of theirs, I heard them talking about a man named Douglas. And then, I heard something even more chilling. I heard them talking about “the little French paquette” which just arrived from south America.

Debbie and I sat down with everyone a little later. “Okay, tell us what you overheard?”

“The exit is near a police station I think. They talked about lit cherries which is an idiom in Quebec for the lights on top of a police car. They also talked about a man named Douglas. And I think they have a girl that just arrived here from South America who speaks French. They seemed to be concerned about her.”

Agent Marcos seemed very excited. “Douglas is a town along the border. They have put tunnels there before. But, next to the police station in Douglas is a Catholic School for girls. It is near where our dogs are, so if any drugs were to being used, they would sniff it out. They only need to transport a girl or two every few days to keep the supply up. It wouldn’t be noticed if it was so small a flow that no one saw it. We need to get an agent on it.” He made a phone call.

My Dad was impressed. “Well Samantha. Maybe you should consider a career in law enforcement.”

“I’ll think about it.” No, I lied. I still wanted to be a baby doctor.

“Mr. Miller, Samantha, we think you should stay for a bit. The girl they are talking about may still be here and is scared. If we are able to rescue her, we will need someone to translate and get along with her. Samantha here could break the ice with her. It is up to you Mr. Miller, but we would like her to stay.”

“Will she have to participate in any raid or dangerous activity?”

“No, but we know that it will be just an extra day. It will mean that she misses a day at school. We will make sure she gets a doctor’s note.”

We went back to the safe house and discussed how to spend the day. Dad had an idea. He had heard about a cold war museum that was up the highway from us. Agent Debbie sounded interested and we headed off to it. We soon were at the Titan Missile Museum and headed in to take a tour. Our guide told us about the facility and the cold war. Years ago, there was a missile positioned there whose sole purpose was to launch a tactical nuclear warhead at the Russians in response to their doing the same thing to us. It was called MAD, mutual assured destruction.

We stood in the room where the decision would be made to launch the missile and looked at each other. “What would you have done if the command came in Dad?”

“I don’t know. It was a choice that I would never want to make. There are choices you make in life that you can never walk away from. And this would be one of them. To turn that key in agreement with your fellow soldier knowing you would destroy millions of lives seems to be the worst thing I could imagine. How about you Debbie, do you think you could make that fatal call?”

“I wouldn’t want to make it. I thought about it when I became what I am. I knew I may have to use deadly force one day. That is just one person. In theory, I will. But do I want to do that, no.”

“Dad, so, it is important to know how the choices we make will hurt us and could harm others, right?”

“Yes. Making wise choices is a good thing. But it isn’t always easy. This museum is much more than a record of how foolish we could have been. It is a record of how sanity overcame stupidity.”

“Is that why you spent so much time on deciding if I should be Samantha or not when we started this?”

“Well, yes. I worked out what the paths for you were. I knew you needed to be safe and that you also needed to be happy. On balance, it was a good decision. The facts were clear. If anyone were to try and find you, they wouldn’t think to look for a little girl.”

Debbie chimed in. “I think you were right. Samantha’s work with us has been good for her. And what she is doing to make the lives of others better has made her a better citizen. And, I have to thank you. Because of her, I have been able to heal an old wound with my Dad. I don’t know what I would have done without your letting her be Samantha. So, in a way, your choice blessed me too.”

Dad looked perplexed. Agent Debbie went on to explain about what happened on the porch. “Oh, so that explains the Father-Daughter dance. You know, that is an experience I never had with Jane. I hadn’t realized I was missing something.”

Before we left, Agent Debbie visited the gift shop, and Dad and I talked alone.

“Samantha, I am proud of you. You are growing into a fine person. I am going to miss you when Samantha is gone and Sam returns.”

“I’ll be the same person, just different wrapping.” I said that to reassure him. I had no intention of changing the wrapping.

“Yeah, that is true.” He hugged me, but I could hear the sadness in his voice. There was a part of me that wanted to tell him who I really was. But I also knew Erin was right. Don’t tell my parents right away. Let them become used to me as Samantha.

“Daddy, I love you. Thank you for coming on this trip.” I hugged him back as hard as I could. I felt him melt in my arms. He kissed my head. When he took my hand to leave the building, I looked up and could see that he had been crying a few tears.

It was about one in the morning. Agent Marcos came and knocked on our door. My Dad got up and talked to him for a moment. He then came over and talked to me. I had awakened when the hallway light shined on my face. “Honey, they would like your help with a young girl they found. She is from French Guiana they think. Wake up and get dressed. Casual and girly would be best.”

The drive to Douglas took about an hour. The brought me into a holding area separate from the rest of the border facility. It was cold and sterile. White walls and dark greenish metal doors. There was a young girl little older than me sitting in a room with a table and chairs. She was already developing her breasts and her curves. There was a big mirror which I figured was one way. The lighting was bright with fluorescent fixtures. I went in and sat down next to her. She hadn’t bathed for days, I could tell. She was of mixed blood. I figured that one of her parents was white and the other maybe black or a native Indian. Either way, she was a beautiful girl. I spoke to her all in French which I could tell she liked. And, I could also see that she was intrigued that I was there and not an adult. But, here is what transpired in English.

“Hello, my name is Samantha, what is yours?” She looked at me for a moment and turned away.

“Please, I can help you. What is your name?” I implored.

“Yvonne. Yvonne de Champs.” Came a weak reply. She wasn’t completely trustful of me yet. However, my age was opening a door.

“I am pleased to meet you Yvonne de Champs. How old are you? I am eleven about to turn twelve.” I put out my hand to shake hers.

“You will be like me almost, I am thirteen.” She softened. “I have already done evil things and I must be punished. Is that why the men brought you here, to tell me the things that I must do because I did bad things. Are you going to hurt me too?” The fear in her voice was thick as her accent. But, she took my hand and briefly shook it.

“No, I want to help you. Have you seen the movie Les Visiteurs?” My question caught her off guard.

“Yes, I have. It was very funny. But I don’t understand why you ask?” her mood lightened up as she remembered the movie. It was a funny movie.

“Because, the hero did bad things in it, no? And he made it right in the end, no?” I wanted to connect to her and this was the only way I could think of connecting.

“No, I don’t think I can undo this bad thing with a magic potion?” She sounded weak and sad.

“What did you do?” I gently asked.

“I hurt somebody. I think I may have killed him. He was beating my mama and I used his pistol on him and ran away into the streets after I shot him.” Her eyes teared up and she looked like she wanted to cry.

“Was he your Papa?”

“No. My Papa left me when I was a little baby. He was my Mama’s boyfriend.”

I said in English, “Can someone bring me a guitar?”

Then I turned back to her and asked, “Do you know his name?”

“Pierre. I didn’t know his family name.”

A lady brought in a guitar and handed it to me with a pick. The guitar was out of tune, but I ignored it.

“I love this song, have you heard it before?” I began to play. “Qui a le droit …”

Yvonne began singing with me.

“You like that song also?” She said. “Are you French?” The French connection was made. We were talking at last.

“No, I am just an American girl. And, yes, I like that song very much. You and I are young. The choices we can make when we are young are limited. We have to obey adults. That is what the song is about. But it says that grownups can lie to us and hurt us. I think you need to tell the police the truth about what you did so your Mama doesn’t get in trouble.”

“But they will be after me. They would not hurt my mama. She didn’t do anything wrong. I had to run so that she didn’t have to tell them the bad thing I did and see me get punished.”

“No Yvonne, they probably think your mom did it and you need to tell them the truth. Maybe that is why fate brought you in here, so the truth could help your Mama.” On the table was a pad and paper. “Can you tell me your Mama’s name and where you live?” I wrote down the information as she told me. I held it up to the mirror. Yvonne began to cry. She said that she hadn’t thought her Mama would be in trouble for what she did.

Agent Debbie came into the room. I tried telling her what she had told me in French but she stopped me. She handed us both bottles of water. “We know, there is a translator on the other side. She was very impressed with your handling of Yvonne. Can you ask Yvonne if she would like some nice clothes and a shower? And is she hungry? We will contact the authorities in her hometown and get this straightened out. Good job.” Debbie leaned over and hugged me. Then she kissed me on both sides of my face. Clearly, the translator told her what to do. Yvonne smiled at seeing this display of affection.

“Are you hungry?”

“Oui!”

I continued and found out the size clothing she needed and what she wanted to eat. The translator must have heard and in no time, a croque monsieur showed up with a bowl of tomato soup plus some orange soda. But of course, my guess was that the translator knew how to cook a simple French version of a ham and cheese sandwich. It smelled wonderful. I wanted one too. I was looking forward to meeting her. Yvonne kept talking to me.

“Where do you go to school Samantha?” Yvonne was opening up more and more.

“I am not from here. I go to school in Tennessee. It is called the volunteer state. I volunteer to help girls in trouble get away from bad men. That is why I am here.” I smiled and patted her on the arm. She didn’t recoil at my touch either.

“I thank you. I was scared they would send in some big person who would punish me and beat me like the men who brought me here did.” Her voice sounded stronger than before.

“Can you tell me what they did to you?” I asked praying for a response.

“When I ran away, they found me on the streets and they said they could take me far away. And no one would know my name or what the bad thing I did was. I was happy to go with them. They gave me nice food and put me in a truck. It travelled for hours and then I was put in a boat to Mexico. When I got there, they put me in a plane and I was brought close to here. I stayed there for a week. That is when things changed. The men were mean to me. I was forced to clean for them. Then they made me take my clothes off and took pictures of me. I don’t speak Spanish, so I didn’t understand them. So they made it clear what I was to do with their hands.” She could tell I was uncomfortable and that I was tearing up.

“Have you had something like that happen to you too, Samantha, mon amie?” Calling me friend made her smile. She also could tell by my reaction to what she was saying that I was reliving something too.

“Yes, I have had bad men make me take my top off. But not all my clothes. I didn’t like it. I had lots of fear.” I hung my head a little. Although it was play acting, it still made me feel bad at times.

“I understand. Then they didn’t make you touch them and let them touch you?” She sounded frightened for me.

“Not yet. Did they do that to you?” I was frightened for her now.

“Yes. They made me touch myself and forced me to smile and laugh while I was doing it. Then I was shown pictures and they made me act like the girls in the photos. I was to do like them or they would hit me. I think I must deserve this because I did an evil thing. This is my punishment I think.”

“No. They need to be punished. The people here will help you punish them. What they did to you was wrong. They have helped me get the bad guys who tried to hurt me and put them away. They will help those who hurt you. That is why I am here. I asked if I could help them save other girls.”

The door opened and Agent Debbie came in with some Wal-Mart bags. “We have some clothes for Yvonne. We can help her get a shower and cleaned up.”

Debbie and I led Yvonne to a room with a shower. I explained how everything worked and where the towels were. I put out her clothes for her and we closed the door behind me. While we were waiting for her to get cleaned up, the translator came in. She was a woman in her fifties with grey hair. She smiled at me. “Salut, my name is Madame Du Bois. I teach French in the Phoenix unified school district. I will sometimes do translation work for the Border Patrol. They rarely need someone who speaks French, but when they do, they call on me. They flew me down from Sky Harbor. I have been watching you Samantha. You have been doing a fantastic job. And your Dad is thrilled with your work. So are the agents. You broke through what would have taken them hours or days to achieve. That is why we left you alone.”

“Did you cook that fantastic croque monsieur?”

“Yes, I figured you would know that. Do you think it helped?”

“Yes, as you could hear from her opening up. Familiar food can really help.”

“Well, I am going to disappear again. Yvonne has bonded to you. She needs a friend. Do you mind?”

“No, that is why I agreed to help the police. Have they told you about me yet?”

“You mean that you are not what you seem? Yes, I think it is brave what you are doing. I must say, if no one had told me, I would have said you were all girl. I can hear that she has finished her shower. I am going to leave and let you help her. A la prochaine fois.”

“A la prochaine fois aussi.” I appreciated her compliment on how I looked.

Agent Debbie and I chatted as she took her time. “Based on what you got her to say in the interrogation room, we have enough to go after the men at the pool party. We won’t right away. She seems to like you. Would you mind staying an extra day? Your Dad will be able to stay. He said he would make arrangements with his office back home to be here with you. I have never seen a man cry like he did as he heard what you got out of Yvonne. He was so proud of you.”

“Thank you Debbie. But, that poor girl. I didn’t understand what I was stopping until she started to tell me. Is that what I have been doing? Is that what they wanted to do to Vicki?”

“Yes.” Debbie looked sad. I wanted to cry. A few moments later, Yvonne opened the door. She looked much better. Her olive skin was pretty and her face charming. I think one parent was a native Indian. I could see why they wanted to destroy her innocence. She looked sweet. Debbie then explained what was going to happen next so I could explain it to Yvonne.

“You look beautiful Yvonne. That dress is pretty on you.”

“Thank you. What is going to happen to me now?”

“We are going to leave this place and you will be given special foster parents for the next week.” My Dad walked in at that point and put his hands on my shoulder. I put my right hand on his left hand. “This is my father Yvonne. His name is M. Paul Miller. He doesn’t speak French, but my friend Doug does. Doug is like my brother. You will be coming home with us. And, they are letting me stay home for a week to be with you until they can make arrangements for you to be taken home. They want to make sure your Mama isn’t in trouble and that you are safe too. How do you like that?”

“That pleases me very much! Merci a thousand times.” Yvonne hugged and kissed me a la mode Française.

Madame Du Bois came in, “Hello Yvonne, call me Mdm. Du Bois. I need to ask you some questions for the record. This is so the authorities will be happy. I just need to ask you if you are happy with going home with Samantha here and living with her for a week while we sort this all out for you?”

“Oui, Madame, does this mean I am not in trouble?”

“Yes, you are not in trouble.”

“And I am not an evil girl?”

“No you aren’t. And I will give Samantha the recipe for making a croque monsieur.”

“Oh, thank you. That made me feel so glad. I really enjoyed it. Merci a thousand times.”

“It was nothing. I was glad to do it for you. There will be a friend of mine to visit you in Samantha’s home who you will really like. She used to work on the Arianne rocket in your country. Her name is Giselle. She is very nice. D’accord.”

“Thank you. You have been so kind to me.”

“Come with me mon cher petit enfant. I will have a doctor and nurse look at you first. Then it is bon voyage with Samantha and her father.”

After the doctor and nurse checked her out, we said our good byes and went back to the safe house. They had a room for Yvonne, but she wanted to be in my room. So Dad moved into her room and she slept in my room. While she was getting ready for bed, Dad and I talked.

“I watched you talk to her from the other side of the mirror. I saw something I hadn’t seen since Cybil. You really liked her and let yourself go. It showed. As Madame Du Bois translated what was being said, I saw something else. You kept your poise under pressure.”

“I got it from you Dad. From Mom I get my compassion and empathy. Doug taught me that I get my strength and focus from you. So, that was Sam talking to her.”

“Well, thank you. I was hoping you got something from me. Because lately, all I have seen is what your Mom gives you.”

“In case you didn’t know, from you I get the ability to stand back and take a look at things without putting an emotional value on it. If I had to listen to her whole story, I would be too busy crying. From you I get the capacity to reflect on the facts and stand aloof enough to be helpful.”

“Thank you, son.”

I put my hands on my hips and said playfully. “Daddy!”

“Sorry, thank you, daughter.” Dad was laughing. I liked teasing him.

“That’s better. Night Daddy.” We hugged and went off to bed.

The next morning, we had bread, butter, jam, and yogurt for breakfast. Then we headed to the landing strip in Tubac where Agent Debbie was waiting. “Arrangements have been made, I will be staying at Doug’s and your Mom and Dad will trade off during the day so you always have a parent at home and police protection. Jane will see if she can do her school work at home too. It looks like you will have family around the whole time which means we don’t have to tell Yvonne you are a boy.”

“Thank you. Right now, I don’t think she could handle that information.”

“We will also have a French speaking officer arriving on Monday who will stay the week. She will be able to assist you with Yvonne. Because she is not in trouble with the law, she doesn’t need a lawyer or an officer. She does need protection though and the officer assigned to you and myself will provide that protection.”

“Agent Debbie, you are awesome!” I gave her a hug.

“As are you, young lady! There are seasoned agents who couldn’t have pulled off what you did last night so easily. You connected with her and it saved us days and days of work.” She winked at me with a big grin.

The flight home was bumpy. Turbulence from storms. Yvonne held onto my hand the whole way. She breathed a sigh of relief when we landed. I introduced her to my Mom, Jane, and then Doug. Bill and Chris were thrilled with the field report from Debbie. I could tell Yvonne was smitten with Doug. I quietly told her that he was already taken and that I was sad too. We giggled.

And of all people, Erin made a house call shortly after we arrived. Due to the special circumstances of the week, she was asked if she could help me help Yvonne.

“Yvonne, this is my doctor. She helps me cope and understand the things that the bad people have done to me so I can help girls like you. Do you mind if I tell her what you told me the other night?”

“Will she tell the police?”

“No, not unless you want her too. What she wants to do is make sure you are helped. She doesn’t speak French but knows a few words from her high school days.”

The doorbell rang and it was Mrs. Smith. “Excuse me for a moment, Yvonne.”

“Samantha, I heard you were going to be home this week with a French guest. Would you mind watching the triplets while I go to the grocery store.”

“No problem Mrs. Smith, I think my guest would love the chance to take care of the babies with me.”

She dropped off the babies. I introduced her to Yvonne. I told her that Erin was a family friend waiting for my mother to come home from school.

“Sorry for the interruption Yvonne.” I sat down and picked up Alice and cuddled with her. She fell asleep in my arms.

“No problem, I love babies too.” Yvonne began playing peek a boo with Ben.

Erin picked up and held Carol who slept in her arms too. “Can you translate for me please Samantha?”

“Yes Erin.” The doctor asked her first question.

I turned to Yvonne, “For me Yvonne, before I translate for the doctor, I don’t know the slang terms for the body in French, so keep it simple for me, okay? She is asking, ‘Yvonne, can you tell me if you were raped? Did they stick things in you?’” I translated.

I think it helped that she was playing with Ben. She gave him some plastic keys which he began to chew on as he crawled around and explored his little area. “Okay Samantha, I will keep it simple. Yes, in my bottom. The men had me bend over and put their boy parts in my bottom. They pointed to my female part and said in Spanish that I could understand that it was worth lots of dollars.” I translated back. Erin nodded her head.

“I will get you someone to talk to you before you leave. I want you to have a professional talk to you in your own language. I have a colleague who is going to fly down tomorrow from Montreal and talk to you. I work with her. Okay?” I translated back.

“Thank you Madame Le Docteur. I would like that very much.”

We put Alice and Carol in the portable crib we had and I escorted Erin out to her car. “The same doctor that is coming can help you too, Samantha. She is part of the crown’s investigation into sex slaves, so this is her job. Doug suggested at the end of the service you are doing, that you go to Canada for six weeks on a student exchange program to decompress. She can help you come out to your parents and be the second opinion you need. It would be handled by the guardian ad litem anyway, so you would be able to use her opinion to confirm a gender identity disorder diagnosis. So, this is quite a lucky break for you.”

“Thank you. That is good. But I wish it didn’t have to come at the cost of Yvonne being hurt. And thank you for coming here to see Yvonne too.” We hugged and she went back to her office.

“You are so lucky to take care of these precious babies.” Yvonne said when I came back into the house.

“Yes I am. They mean the world to me. I especially feel good that I am helping to keep the girls safe from harm.” I picked up Carol and began to play with her. Jane came in the door. “Good news Sis, they are going to let me do my classes this week at home. Bill called in a favor with the community college Dean. Bonjour Yvonne.”

The three of us had a blast taking care of the babies. Dad came in a little later and watched us. I kept noticing his smile as he watched each of us playing with the babies. Mom came in later and they sat there holding hands watching us and smiling. They would talk to each other in soft tones too. This was not lost on Yvonne.

“Your parents are very much in love and they are very much in love with you too.” She whispered to me.

“Yes they are.” I couldn’t help but whisper back with pride.

“I have only seen such love in the movies. I didn’t think it existed in real life. Do your parents argue?” Yvonne inquired.

“Yes, but they have an agreement. They don’t argue with loud voices. They talk things out. They have this system. If it is very important, they write down the reasons for and against something. Then they switch papers. Then they talk about the other persons concerns for and against doing something. Almost always, they come to the same conclusion. When they don’t, my Dad has the official final say. But, when he does that, he often goes with my Mom’s decision even if he thinks it is wrong or not the best choice. He calls it honoring his wife.”

“I am happy that he does not beat your Mom. That is the way my Mom’s boyfriend would win an argument. He would hit her. And then she would cry and say yes.”

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Can we sing after the babies get picked up, please? I noticed the guitar in your room.”

“But of course. We have to do some things first, but, yes, we will sing.” I said.

After Mrs. Smith left, we set up Yvonne in Robert’s room. I sat down with her and did some index cards. A picture was on one side and two phrases on the other side. I made sure that the picture conveyed the message she wanted. The first phrase was in French. The second was in English. So, for example, a picture of someone eating became “J’ai faim – I am hungry.” I did one that showed a scared girl. It said “J’ai peur – I am scared.” I thought of about twenty things Yvonne might want to say if I were asleep and Doug wasn’t around. I then sat down with my parents and Yvonne and went through the phrases explaining each of them to her and my parents. Then Doug brought over some video tapes of French movies.

I heard a knock on the door and my Mom answered it. In walked Mrs. Giselle Cox, who is Mr. Thompson’s sister of all people. We made our introductions. It turns out that Madame Du Bois knows Mrs. Cox and asked her if she would come over and help. She was surprised to find out it was me. She had heard in the gossip mill among the teachers that someone was attending the school was a police informant, but she didn’t know who it was. She told me that she would keep the secret and my secret from her brother too. With Doug there and Mrs. Cox, Yvonne was feeling more at home. After a bit, Mrs. Casselbaum dropped off Mary and Elysa. I was aware that Elysa was taking French so she was able to speak a little with Yvonne. Thankfully, she didn’t hear the conversation between me and Mrs. Cox. Yvonne was feeling special. I grabbed the guitar and we all started to sing in the round. Almost all Americans know Allouette and Frere Jacques. We had fun with these songs. More and more, I could see Yvonne smiling.

Mrs. Cox took the time to teach us “Sur le pont d’aviginon” with the English speakers singing the “On y danse” (own e dan sa). We were all laughing and singing. “Thank you Samantha. I haven’t laughed in weeks.” And then Yvonne broke down into tears. I went and held her. I told her in the idiom of French that everything would be okay. It translates into English as “Everything will arrange itself.”

“I hope so.” She said. “Because I am scared to go home.”

Mrs. Cox asked, “Why, my dear child?”

“Because my Daddy hates me and my Mama has to work hard for us to eat. At least with me gone, she doesn’t have to work as hard. I wish I could stay.” Doug translated this to my parents as they listened.

“Yvonne, would you like to be my sister if your mom can’t take you back?” I asked. Doug translated this to my parents. I looked at them. They smiled.

“Are you serious?” Yvonne looked me incredulously. “I am damaged goods. I am no good.”

“I am serious. And you aren’t damaged goods. If your Mama says she can’t afford you when you go back home, you can come here and stay with us.” Doug translated what I said to my parents. They came over to Yvonne, bent down and looked her in her tear filled eyes and together they said one word again and again. The only word they knew in French that covered this moment. “Oui, oui, oui, oui !”

Yvonne dried her tears. “You would do this for me, a stranger?”

“No, not for a stranger. For a sister, yes.” I hugged her and cried. “If you stay with your mother, you will be my friend forever. If you have to come here, you will be my sister. Would you like to be my sister?”

“Oui ! Bien sur!” (yes, of course). Doug translated it for everyone. Mrs. Cox couldn’t because she was bawling her eyes out. Soon everyone was having a good little cry. Even Doug and my Dad.

We put on “Le Chateau de ma Mere” which is wonderful film about turn of the century France in 1900. The father and the mother are very sweet. The movie always makes me cry. I have watched it many times over at Doug’s. The father is a gentle school teacher and the mom stays at home with the children. They had subtitles in bold yellow so everyone could watch. There is no sex in the film which is rare for a French film. But, the sweetness of the movie was a perfect way to celebrate. Unbeknownst to me, Dad went to a BBQ joint and brought in a huge amount of food. We gorged ourselves on BBQ Memphis style. Mrs. Cox, Yvonne, Jane, and I cried at the end of the movie when the narrator said what happened to everyone. But we talked about the ending where the protagonist destroys a bad memory for good so he can move on with his life.

“Maybe I need to destroy my bad memories too?” said Yvonne. I whispered into Mrs. Cox’s ear that Yvonne had been raped.

“Yes, there is a doctor coming tomorrow to help you do that. She can teach you how to destroy the bad memories.” I said.

I was startled and shocked when Mrs. Cox said, “I too have the same kind of memories like you Yvonne. It is why I learned French. I needed to go somewhere and get away from what happened to me. I overcame it Yvonne. You can too.” She hugged Yvonne. I saw them go off in a corner and talk. Yvonne and her held hands.

After everyone had gone home for the evening, I sat down with Yvonne and we had a cup of tea. “Samantha, thank you for becoming my friend and my sister. I never knew how important one was. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough.”

“I don’t want you to try. I just want you to be healed. Seeing you get better would be the best way to say thank you.”

Jane was watching us. After Yvonne went upstairs to bed, Jane came over to me. “Sometimes lately, I wish you had been born a girl for real.”

“I don’t know Sis. If I had, I would have never met all the people whose lives I have been a part of these last few years. Including Yvonne or Sally or Cybil.”

We just sat there for a few minutes saying nothing and clearly afraid to say what was really on our hearts. Jane wanted me to be a girl instead of a boy. And I didn’t want to tell her that I was already a girl and wanted to stay the way I am.

“I love you Jane.”

“I love you too Samantha.”

We hugged and headed off to bed.

The next day, I cooked a nice breakfast along with Mom for everyone including Yvonne. She was impressed that I knew how to cook.

“Bonjour Samantha. I slept like a bird. How did you sleep?”

“Yvonne. I sept well too. I have fun news. A nice lady is coming over today with a credit card. We all are going shopping. Clothes for you and I. The doctor from Montreal landed this morning in Nashville and is heading here I am told by my Mom. I think we are going to have a really nice day.”

Dr. Louise Lefevre appeared at our door after lunch. She was typically French. Dressed nicely. Hair perfect. Makeup perfect. The only dead giveaway that she was Canadian was a slight Quebecois accent she was developing. She told me that she was born in Tarbes, France, and moved to Canada about ten years ago after marrying a Canadian she met while volunteering for Medicine San Frontieres as a very young doctor. (Doctors without Borders). Yvonne was thrilled to meet her. I let the two of them have time together. I went next door and helped Mrs. Smith the triplets. She was loving that I had the week off from school. She began to inquire about Yvonne.

“I can’t tell you anything about her Mrs. Smith because of the special circumstances. My parents agreed to be her foster parents her in the states for the authorities. I can tell you that she isn’t in trouble with the law. In fact, she is a victim and they are trying to help her get help right now. So, I can’t tell you more than that.”

“Well, it is nice to spend time with you anyway. I must say, I have been enjoying the people you have in your life. Mary is a wonderful girl as is Elysa and Grace. You all sing so nicely too. And the babies love the attention from you all when I drop them off.”

“We enjoy it too. I love having you as a neighbor.”

After two hours of diaper changes, singing lullabies, and nice chit chat, Jane and Yvonne knocked on the door.

“Those cards you made Sis really were helpful. Yvonne knew to follow me.”

I could tell Yvonne had been crying but was much happier than before.

I cradled Carol in my arms. She was secretly my favorite. She loved to snuggle. Ben was boisterous and full of life. Alice was a little charmer and always was trying to chat with you these days. Jane went for Ben and I could tell that Yvonne was thrilled to be with Alice.

“Dr. Lefevre is a very nice doctor, Samantha. She made me feel a whole lot better. It was very nice for her to come down from Montreal, but I don’t understand why they are making such a fuss over me. I am just a poor girl.”

“Because you can tell them things about the bad guys who brought you here against your will so we can stop them. But, here in the United States, we help victims too. We don’t want to just stop the bad guys. We want to heal the victims too.”

We heard a knock on Mrs. Smith’s door. She answered it. It was officer O’Brien and a new lady. She was an agent with the Border Patrol from New Hampshire. Her name was Jeanette Du Pres.

“Well, young ladies, it seems that we have a credit card and a trip to the mall to buy clothes for two very nice young ladies. We have a mini-van, so we can all go have some fun.” Said Jeanette.

Agent Debbie came over and whispered in my ear. We want you to go home and put on your custom gaff first. We don’t want her finding out you are a boy in a dress room.” I went over and told Dad. Dad helped me. It was awkward for him to see me go from male to female. Even more awkward for him to help me glue on the appliance like he was taught for the Arizona mission. For the remainder of the day, I would technically be forced to sit and pee. Like I really cared. The gaff was custom made a few weeks back after a mold was taken to custom make this for me. It looked very real. Not that it mattered to me. But, for a brief time, I would look like a girl down there. They wanted nothing left to chance on future missions. And my poor Dad was having to deal with how I looked naked below the waste now. The boy was gone for the moment. And he helped erase him.

Dad tried his best to smile, but I could see his heart was breaking. His son was now a daughter. The impact was hard for him to accept.

“How you doing son?”

“Okay, I guess. I know that they need me to do this just in case. It is a good thing. As long as it looks like I have the right bits in my underwear, the better it will go for a mission. When I am doing the photo shoots I can’t wear it. When I am window dressing, they would like me to wear it just in case.”

After the glue dried, I put my panties back on and my skirt. “Dad, thank you.”

“For what?”

“Understanding. I know this isn’t easy on you. This isn’t the way you want to see your son, is it?”

“No, I really don’t like it.” He looked relieved that I understood his angst.

“Well, I can think of better things to do with you like cleaning stinky fish with you. Can we go fishing next weekend?” I thought that doing something between us would help him deal with what we had just done.

He looked at me. I could tell he loved the idea. “I would like that very much. Is there a way it can just be Sam fishing with me?” This was a curve. I decided that it was best to go along with him. He needed to adjust in his own way. And I needed to let him.

“Well, I think I can get some baggy girls pants today. I can do a ponytail in the back. So, yeah. I think Sam can go fishing with you.” I high fived him instead of hugging him. “As long as it is our little secret.” I winked at Dad and he laughed.

I headed down the stairs to join the girls. Dad shouted down at me, “Now please don’t break the government’s bank! Those are our tax dollars’ you are spending young lady!”

I looked back up at him and put my hands on my hips and in an exaggerated way said, “Well, a girl can dream can’t she?”

I left my Dad laughing and headed out with the group. My Mom, Jane, Yvonne, Officer O’Brien, and Jeanette piled into the Honda Odyssey van and we headed to the mall. Mrs. Smith waived good bye to us as we headed off to get some decent clothes for Yvonne and clothes for school for me.

Later that evening, we had steak on the grill and fries. My Dad did the cooking. I am getting spoiled with his taking care of dinner. It also meant that I could spend time with Yvonne going over all we had purchased. She had a modest, but nice wardrobe now. And I had sweaters and winter clothes which I desperately needed.

I sat and did homework at the table while Jeanette worked with Yvonne on her reports with Dr. Lefevre. She made a detailed report of what happened and Dr. Lefevre handed it to her to sign. Apparently, Dr. Lefevre was irritated to find out that there were border agents that had been paid off. An investigation into the corruption was not a nice report to come back with.

“I have to go back to Montreal, dear, but we can talk on the phone if you wish.” Dr. Lefevre reassured Yvonne.

“I understand. You have helped me so much already.” Yvonne was clearly happy to have gotten the whole truth out there.

“I have talked to the French consulate. They have talked to the gendarme in charge and your mother is now cleared of all charges. You can go back home now too. We need you for a few more days. If we decide to use you to prosecute the bad guys, we will bring your mother up and have you stay here for a while. Would you like that?” asked Jeanette.

“Where would I stay?” asked Yvonne.

“Nearby. We could let Samantha visit you so you won’t be so lonely.” Said Jeanette.

My ears perked up when I heard that, “I like that idea!”

“Get back to your school work!” Jeanette winked at me.

“See, you have friends here. So it won’t be so bad.”

After Jeanette and Dr. Lefevre said their goodbyes for the night, I sat down with Yvonne.

“Is there anything you would like to do special while you stay with us?”

“I have heard about Halloween in the states. I would like to go, what do they call it, ‘trick or treating.’”

“Okay, deal.”

The week flew by quickly and soon it was Friday, Halloween. There was no costume for Yvonne, so I gave her my Princess Leia costume. Jane saved the day for me. She went up into the attic and found an old ballerina outfit of hers. I put on a pair of pink stretch panties and a rolled on pink tights. And a pair of her old dance slippers. I then put on a pink leotard and a pink tutu. Jane pulled my hair back and put it in a bun and then flowers in my hair. Then she gave me a white faux fur coat to keep my warm. I looked awesome as a ballerina. Jane showed me how to do first position. Jane nicknamed me the accidental ballerina. I grabbed a basket from when my parent’s got married and headed out with Doug and Yvonne. At the first door, I was asked who I was. I realized that I hadn’t been seen in these parts for a while at school. And I couldn’t use my real name or my fake names. I would have to make one up. So, I just said that my name was Stacy. It was the first name that popped into my head. Yvonne was great as Princess Leia and learned how to say Trick or Treat. Doug was great as a London Bobby. So, out into the cold night of late October went a Bobby, a Stacy the ballerina, and a Princess Leia to haul in lots of candy.

Saturday, the next day, it came time for me to say goodbye to Yvonne. Her mother had been flown up from South America and the two reunited for the first time in months. There were tears of Joy. I could tell her mother was a beautiful woman at one time whose harsh life had made her age quickly. They would be staying in the area and I would still see Yvonne on a regular basis.

“Bonjour, Madame De Champs. We have enjoyed having Yvonne stay with us.”

“Oh Samantha, the authorities told me what you did for my little girl. I did not expect to find a little girl, but a big adult woman. Your kindness can never be repaid. Thank you.” We air kissed and hugged.

“It was the least of things. I was honored to help such a beautiful girl.”

“We will be seeing each other, no?”

“Yes, I will be available until they have finished their investigation on the people who harmed Yvonne. I look forward to seeing you again.”

“Until later.”

“Until later.”

The grand jury was empaneled for three months and the process would take a while to work through the system. I would be called to testify and was told that I would be appearing as a girl. Because of the procedure, my under cover disguise would be kept secret by the grand jury anyway. So, why bother to change. Yvonne and the agents working the case would give testimony too. It was clear that the whole procedure was being done carefully to make sure nobody walked away.

After they headed off, I turned to my Dad and asked if he would like to go fishing with Sam.

“No, I have had a chance to think about it. I want to go fishing with Samantha tomorrow. Let’s just go to the lake and sit in a row boat together for the afternoon. But right now, don’t you remember, you and Doug have a dance class this afternoon. Dean has been chomping at the bit to do more dancing with you since you had to take last weekend off and you haven’t been in school this week.”

I rushed up stairs and got dressed in my ballroom dance outfit. Dean was happy to see me and asked if the operation to remove my tumor went well? Darn rumor mills! The surgery I really wanted was more than a year away. I spent time looking at myself in the mirror the other day with the gaff. I couldn’t believe how different I looked. And how normal too. The real me was coming into focus at last. I just had to be patient. Since the other day, I began to learn to put it on myself. Now I didn’t need my Dad’s help. And, I would start wearing it to school just in case also.

After the busy week we just had, it was strange to be at the dinner table with just family again. We talked about Thanksgiving and my grandparents. They worked for the foreign service and were just about to retire. I hadn’t seen my Dad’s dad in ages. They wanted to come home in the spring and buy a home nearby us. I would have grandparents again. The topic came up about how to tell them about me. Dad said that he was going to ask Debbie if she wouldn’t mind having an FBI agent tell them before they arrived what was going on. He didn’t want to send an email or a letter just in case it go intercepted by someone. Best to be safe he thought. And we heard they might be here as soon as Thanksgiving on what Dad called ‘terminal leave.’

Doug came up to me and whispered in my ear later that night as he headed across the street for the night, “Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for a friend.” He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. For the first time I was starting to see things his way. “Here Samantha, this is a tough book to read. It doesn’t have a happy ending. But, I think it will explain things for you. I was reading it about the time I met you.” Doug handed me a paperback book. Hermann Hesse’s “Beneath the Wheel.”

“I will.” I read the book well into the night. It was a fast read for me. In it, the smartest boy in the village earns his way into the one of the top schools in Germany. But, he forgets how to live and enjoy life in balance with his burning desire to be the top of his class. Eventually, he hates school so much because of the moments it stole from him, he drops out and becomes a bit of a bum. They eventually find him dead, beneath a water wheel. The gist of the story is that by gaining fame as the student everyone pins their hopes on, he loses everything of value including his life because he doesn’t stop to enjoy life too. I could see why Doug wasn’t worried about school. He knew he needed something more than an A on a report card. He needed me just as I needed him.

I began to realize that becoming Samantha that I wanted to be wasn’t as important as being the Samantha I was to those who loved me. Doug was good at balancing life. And he was balancing mine too. That is when I realized his heart was a lot smarter than his head. And that was saying something given his prodigious IQ.

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner (revised March 2017)

[Author’s note: My son’s obsession with the show ‘Border Patrol’ finally paid off! On the serious side. In the late-90s, there really was a scandal at the border Quebec border when it was found that Canadian agents were allowing girls to be brought in from south America that would be used as sex slaves. These women included many from South American were undocumented and lived in horrible conditions. So, there is a grain of truth in this story. There is no police station or Catholic school that close to the border. So, there are some deliberate fibs because I don’t want to give the bad guys any ideas. – AuP]