I want to laugh as Casey helps me with my coat. He’s wearing a fall jacket which makes it easy to tell he’s in very good shape. Walking out the door saying my mother adds, “Stephanie, you’re like a third daughter to me. Have a great time, but.” She didn’t say anything more.

Sitting in and scooting over in the vehicle; I notice similar feelings to a time before. We’re going to Demetri’s, I’m having second thoughts, but it might not be as others would think. I watch as Casey gets in and smiles at me. He says, “It would be good to know you a little better.”

I find myself thinking about who I’d like Stephanie to be. 'Casey, I’m a B student in my junior year of school. I like the chorus at school and music wherever, lots of music. My friends and I usually go out in a group.' ‘I’m wondering if he might quiz me.’ 'I’m good at history and I like to go shopping.' I’m happy as I understand the rolling of Casey’s eyes about a girl and shopping.

I listen to Casey telling me, “I’m a senior in college two years ahead of most my age. I’m very computer savvy and could be further ahead, but I have a weakness for pretty girls like you and going out with them. I like staying in shape and playing, not watching sports”

Haley says, “Steph aren’t you going to thank him or at least give him a small kiss for that compliment?”

I hadn’t thought of it, “Haley, he was talking about the girls he usually goes out with.”

Casey turns to me, “You’re as cute as any girl that I’ve dated.” He takes my hands, saying, “I know you’re shy, but I think I could fall for one of your kisses.”

I felt I needed to kiss him and say thanks. I try to kiss his cheek but he moves as I am leaning forward to kiss him. His arms are warm, inviting not forceful as Brad’s often are. He says thanks as I move back, and except for one hand holding each other, he lets go.

Haley asks, “How was that? Was it better than Brad’s?”

I’m silent and Casey smiles, “Don’t worry she’s jealous.” My face twitches to Haley to indicate I’m upset. I say, “Thanks” to Casey.

The night is not terribly cold but wearing a skirt with light stockings and I’m getting cold. Casey feels me shivering and pulls me to him in a hug. “I’m not trying to be too forward; I just sense you’re cold.”

Haley turns her head, “She’s not used to wearing stockings and being dressed up so pretty. I told her she should wear tights or leggings.”

We’re soon at Demetri’s and Casey is holding my door and offering his hand. I’m trying not to like him too much, but alas I’m being treated and feel like a princess. I’m lost in a girlhood fantasy for the night. We’re taken to a nice table, where both Casey and the waiter are treating me like a lady.

Once we order, Haley informs me, we’re going to the women’s room. There is a woman there, though at first, I don’t understand why. She holds out numbers and it becomes apparent, we’re to let her watch our purses. Once I’m at the sink she hands me a warm moist cloth. I washed at the sink rubbing my hand with the cloth. It saddens me as I look into the mirror and see a small smear of lipstick. I look to the woman wondering if I dare use my cloth to clean my lips.

She smiles and her simple gesture encourages me. Having made it worse she comes to me with a tissue and my purse. With my permission, she helps clean off the area so delicately. “You are much too attractive to blemish your evening now.” I find my makeup and make the repairs to my makeup. The woman says, “You’re most beautiful.” I take my purse looking for a tip, the smallest I have is five dollars which is big from my point of view, but I put it in her basket. She politely says, “Gracias.”

A simple appetizer is served; two thin crackers each, a slice of cheese, and thinly slice meat. I know it is special as is the grape cocktail juice served like wine. I take a sip I know why Haley and my glasses have only half that of Casey’s. We have had wine at home so there is no worry.

The meal is nice as I’m taken with my conversation with Casey.

Soon we’re next door to their dance lounge. Casey’s close and sometimes bumping off me as we dance. Most dances end with us holding hands or me being wrapped in his arms for a kiss. Later during a slow song when we’re close his hands begin to slide down my back. It’s only when his hands begin to slide down on my buns and I ask him to stop. Which he does. Casey says, “I’m not planning on going too far, but I’d like you to tell me if a simple squeeze of you doesn’t feel bad for either of us. The next song when we dance, let me know when to stop.”

I don’t respond as we sit to relax and visit. I’m not around older guys smooth-talking their dates, but Casey is very flattering. His hand once touches my knee but it went no further nor stayed there. We walk around and I’m thinking I have a date as handsome as anyone. In my princess-like state, I’m feeling good about that.

Soon we are dancing again and I find myself having fun, we are comfortable with each other. When a slow dance comes I find my hands wrapped up around his shoulders.

I pay attention as his hands begin at the small of my back. It is only when they slip fully down onto my buns that I say in a whisper, “Enough.” He begins to bring his hands back up and I feel the desire to say, “No that was enough, you don’t need to…” His hands slip back fully upon me and I give him a small kiss. He brings his hands up and hugs me as he twirls me around one. He gently sets me down and says, “Thank you, I am really enjoying our night together… I’m sad that you’ll be leaving tomorrow. Is there no chance you’ll be coming back or staying?”

I know I must look foolish staring up at him saying nothing. I become afraid as I’ve become excited. I hurry back to our table and take a drink. Making sure I have two pieces of ice in my mouth, I’m hoping I’ll cool down. Casey comes asking if I’m okay. I apologize saying, “I know I’m too young for you to take me seriously, but I like tonight very much and you too much.”

Casey hugs me, “I’m flattered and while I don’t think you’re too young, I understand not to push you.” He picks up his coat so I’ll be warm as we walk outside. I find myself walking like a girl holding a boy’s hand. I feel good about having girl-like feelings for Casey. The only thing I feel bad about is I’m not a real girl. Before we go back in I feel the desire to give him as nice of a kiss and hug as a girl that I can.

I am now glad Mom set me a curfew time. I know Haley’s wishing I wasn’t along so she could stay out a little later. It is embarrassing when the guys take us to the door and it is Casey who more strongly kisses me than Alec kisses Haley. It is also the only time I felt his tongue come more than to the edge of my lips.

Haley needs not to worry as I’m sure Alec has asked her out again.

I’m glad when I hear Haley touching the door handle and we break our kiss. Casey says, “Please let me know if you come back this week.”

I’m hoping he didn’t hear, as the door was closing, Haley said, “She might be!”

Mother enters the room saying, “She might what? Which of you said that?” I sit down surprising myself that I am not walking away embarrassed or feeling guilty.

Haley says, “Casey asked Steph to call him if she came back this week. All I said was, she might be back. The door was closing so he might not have heard that.”

Mother looks to me and says, “Well what do you have to say?”

“It went well, it was kind of nice to be treated special with a night out. Casey was nice, end of the story.”

Haley quickly says, “He was more than nice as you were to him.” We’re about to get into an argument as mom interrupts us.

“Haley why don’t you take a shower and get ready for bed.” She turns to me, “You, young woman stay and we’ll talk.”

“I’m not a girl.”

Mother says, “I see Stephanie in front of me and she’s the one who went out for the evening. You’re not in trouble, so no attitude, please. I am just interested. I thought with your sister gone, you might feel free to talk.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I pause hoping she’ll sit down with me. Which she does. Mom asks me how many times I redid my lipstick. “Two, but I guess. I was treated so nice, I came to feel like a princess. I liked it, Mom. I know I shouldn’t. I’m not a,” I pause.

Mom asks “You are not a what?”

“I’m not gay Mom, at least I don’t want to be.” I like it. We’re talking, I even tell her I kissed Casey. The most Mom did was to hug me and reassure me I could say more.

Finally, she says, “You know you could have been Haley or Elle for all you said. Please be open to saying how you feel now when you meet the counselor’s assistant Tuesday.” Mom asks, “Who did you feel like when you were dancing or kissed Casey?”

Initially, I wondered what Mom was asking, “I feel like me.” She asks, “Steph or Steven?”

I then say, “I was Steph of course.”

“So you felt like a girl and not a boy when you kissed or felt excited?” I didn’t tell her I got aroused; I’m sure she said it just to let me know. “What did you like about Casey?”

“He’s sensitive yet nice and strong. How he treated me was kind of flattering. I’m not sure if he was really interested but he listened. It wasn’t all about him. It feels kind of nice to be liked by a university guy like him.” I shake my head, “But I hope he won’t call back to see if Stephanie’s here.”

Mom says, “Why would that be?” I’m quiet too long. “Are you afraid you’d let him go too far and get caught?”

“How would you know that,” I ask? “A mom shouldn’t even ask that.”

She says, “Because I was a girl after a date like you are now? You kept yourself out of trouble once. You’re not really sure you would want to if theirs and next time.”

“I guess you were a girl too, but it’s me, not Elle or Haley. I’m a boy I shouldn’t have those feelings.”

Elle’s home, Mom knows, not me, how long she’s been there, if or what she heard. Elle says, “You looked very attractive tonight. He only saw a girl, so is this about the feelings you have?” Now I want to run but don’t, I always like what Elle has to say.

“Yes, if you need to know; I kind of felt like a princess with him.” I wait for Elle to say something negative or make fun of what I said. Elle sits across from me in another chair. I move around to sit on my legs curled up, I want to be able to see Mom and Elle. Once Haley’s out too, I start to stand up to leave.

Elle says, “She's your sister too, or should I say, you’re her sister too?”

Haley says, “Steever must have shared. Steph didn’t do anything a girl needs to be ashamed of. For the hot guy she was with she did really well. He was falling for Steph. If she was around tomorrow I’m sure he would have found religion by tomorrow night and invited himself to church with us.”

Changing the conversation, I ask, “How was it with your date? Is Alec going to ask you out again?”

She says, “He’s as nice as I thought actually better, especially after he insisted that we leave you two alone. I’m not sure if he figured out who you are?”

Mother asks, “What makes you think that?”

Haley says, “He asked me twice where Steven was? He said the last time I saw Steve with Staci he didn’t have earrings. I told him Staci insisted he gets a pair. But I’m afraid we might have arched his eyebrows too much.”

I ask again, “Is Alec your boyfriend now?”

Haley says, “I’m sure we’ll date again, time will tell.”

“Once the guys of the band are back; they’ll have to practice for both Friday and Saturday night. He asked me to go with him to their New Year’s Eve gig. Mom, will that be okay?”

It is before 6:30 in the morning when my mother wakes me up. “Stephanie’s leaving and Steven needs to show and get back into his duds. Once you shower, dress and eat breakfast I do have a girl thing you can do.”

She won’t tell me what it is. Finally, I’m at the breakfast table and Elle and Haley are both eating breakfast as well. Elle’s very certain she knows the girl thing and tells Haley who guesses she’s right.

Mom comes walking through carrying clothes from the dryer. “Steven come and help me. I’ll show you how to fold and hang girls’ clothing. Come eleven-thirty, I call Staci and go over to her house taking my Christmas present for her. I borrowed ten dollars from Mom so I could also get Staci a $25 gift card.

Staci’s Father, Paul Miller answers the door. “Hello Steve, it is nice to see you. I hear someone else has been here to see Staci. You’re welcome to go with us tonight to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service. I’d be a bit afraid of someone recognizing Stephanie. That would ruin my Christmas. If Steph is here with Staci sometime during the break that would be fine, but please not tonight or tomorrow.”

I put the Christmas present under their tree and I’ve tied the gift card onto the ribbon. Staci asks and her mother is also waiting to hear my answer, “What time are you coming over tomorrow?”

I say, “We’ll open gifts in the morning and I should stay around to eat Christmas dinner with my family. I’ll be here after that probably around 1:30.”

Mrs. Miller says, “Please do not stuff yourself at home as I expect you to eat with us around 5:00. Both sets of grandparents will be here as well as Sarah’s boyfriend and Rodney and his fiancée, Renae. She’s quite an attractive young lady; she might even let you see a picture of her wedding gown.”

I say, “I am sure that it is beautiful and that I’d enjoy seeing it.”

Staci elbows me in the ribs, whispering, “Boys don’t usually like those things. Think before you speak.”

Her mother asks, “Staci, could you and Steven go get us some things at the grocery store?”

When she goes to get her shoes and coat. Mrs. Miller asks me, “Would you do me a favor and buy a few stocking stuffers for Staci, Sarah, and Renae for me.” I say yes before reading her list. “When you get to Kohl’s just tell Staci you need 30 minutes to do me a favor without her. She can go and look at coats or women’s sportswear.”

Mrs. Miller has sizes and other information that I need as well as suggestions for fragrances. The money she entrusts to me suggests the gifts will be costly. I’m guessing the more expensive things are fragrant perfumes. She includes a picture of Renae which I’m sure is to help me with something.”

Staci had a good size list of things to get at the grocery store and she enjoyed ordering me around. She would tease me as she walked close to me, saying, “You should smile more; a girl like you should enjoy grocery shopping.”

“Be quiet!”

She teases, “You think others can’t see that you’re becoming a girl? You need to learn to be a good girl. Does your mother have you shopping with her yet?”

I say, “It was my mother who insisted I need to be Steve today and tomorrow with you. You know I like being your boyfriend!”

Staci asks, “Is that why you’re still wearing girl’s panties?”

“I am not; you’re just guessing and you know it.” Staci’s hand is at the top of my belt and I’m afraid she’ll reach down for my underpants. I knew I shouldn't have worn them.

We were to get another fresh vegetable and I’m the one who chooses the asparagus spears. I am not a big fan of asparagus but I know they’re considered special. I’ll eat anything that might impress Staci.

Once we’re done shopping there we go to Macy’s to shop. I tell Staci we’re to go to Kohl’s but she insists that she’s right and that Macy’s has more selections of what she likes.

I ask her to help me, select a perfume for Rodney’s fiancée. I am to get 1.3 ounces but Staci insists on a 2.3 oz. bottle. I tell her to leave me alone but she insists she’s to help me to buy her a red satin print blouse for Renae, with selecting both gifts done. Staci shows me what she and her Sarah like as well.

I didn’t show her my list, but somehow I think she knows what I’m to get as well. Again I send her to look elsewhere. I call her mom but she doesn’t answer the phone. I’m to get both Staci and Sarah .75 oz. bottle as less expensive perfumes. Unfortunately, that is not what Staci pointed out to me. I already decided to get 1.2 oz. bottles for both of them. I couldn’t find help nor a less expensive perfume like her mom wanted.

Before I bought them I went to find the teddy bear pajamas Mrs. Miller wants me to buy. A salesgirl came to help me. Seeing my list she took me to the counter where those pajamas were. They already were all picked over. She said if I paid five dollars more I could get better pajamas. She even had me feel the inside of the pajama panties like I knew what was better. It embarrassed me as I could see the difference but there was not much there. They were slightly heavier and much prettier. The cups of the top that Sarah would get were nicer for a teen with her figure. The salesgirl having seen my list says, “Since I see you have another woman on your list. I suggest you get her the free pair of pajamas.” She jokes that I could get the free pair for myself. She enjoys it when I turn red.

Between the perfume and pajamas and satin top I barely had enough money and knew I was to have spent less. I paid, fifty dollars of my own money.

I then went to find Staci and I looked at several places before I got to the cosmetic counters and found Staci there. I could see she had played around with some makeup and like usual she looks prettier than before. “Do you have enough to buy each of us women a lip-gloss?”

She insists her mother won’t mind, which I tend to believe. But I say, “I don’t want to buy three lip-glosses just so you get the one you like. Maybe the others wouldn’t like them or don’t need them.” She only confirms I have enough money. She insists she wants to show me the one she’s getting.

She says, “Close your eyes and don’t open them until I put the lip-gloss on.” I agree and I soon feel the lip-gloss being spread over my lips. I open my eyes, but that didn’t stop her from completing what she was doing.

Two young women compliment me for being patient and how cute I look. I begin to speak, but Staci insists I wait until it dries. By that time the college girl takes several pictures and giggles she’s posting them. I didn’t hear that until later when Staci tells her sister.

It isn’t until we get back to Staci’s house that I begin to relax. Mrs. Miller is amused, saying, “I was pretty sure she would get you to spend more. I’m comfortable with that as I can tell her father that I asked you to do me a favor.

I sat down in a chair to watch a bowl game that Mr. Miller was watching. He had left for a minute to get a snack and drink. He keeps looking over to me and I’m happy as we’re finally talking. It is over a half-hour before he says something negative. “Steve, I told you earlier I don’t want you wearing or doing anything that will draw attention to us.” I acknowledge that and wait. He says, “Why then are you wearing that lipstick? It’s driving me crazy will you please take it off.”

Rodney has come into the room and jokes, “You know Dad, I think it looks very attractive on him.” His finance Renae comes out of the kitchen as I try wiping the lip-gloss off. She reaches into her purse and gets a cloth to wipe my lips. “Come with me, you don’t need those Neanderthals watching us.” She wipes off my lips as my handkerchief wasn’t very successful.

She says, “I hear you selected part of my stocking gifts. I’m looking forward to seeing what you selected. And I think Staci is quite taken with you.”

“I think she’s being nice to me, not wanting to drop me as her boyfriend at Christmas time.”

“She’s agreed to go with you to the groups at the university, didn’t she? I know, I’m not to know. But would she be going there if she didn’t care a lot about you?”

She says, “I think as long as she gets enough of you Steve. She’ll love having you as her boyfriend.” Renae kisses my cheek saying, “Okay you’re ready to go out to see who wins the game.”

“Well, I better get home so I can change and get back to go to the Christmas Eve service. My Mom and both my sisters are going to come with us.”

I am tickled to be talking to Renae as she’s both attractive and mature. She says, “I will be looking forward to seeing them. Before you leave, can you tell me how long you’ve been in touch with your girly side? I wish more boys would have the courage to do that.”

I’m wondering if I should say, ‘Years ago and that I love to crossdress…’ “I don’t really know why but I thought to try it about two weeks ago.”

“Staci said, you shaved your legs and that your mother even bought some girl clothes for you. You don’t need to make things up for me. You seem to be a normal person and not someone crazy.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just I suppose most people do think I’m crazy or something. I plan to go back to being myself.”

“If that’s what you want to do, I suspect it might be easier that way. I will see you later and again tomorrow I hope.” She says, “You better get going if you are going to be back here or with your family for church services.”

When I am at home, Elle meets me and tells me to get showered and change. Just put an undershirt on for now. Wait until you finish eating before you get completely dressed. Mom says you only have two good dress shirts… I told mother I had one that might fit you.”

“If I wear a blouse tonight I think Mr. Miller would be awfully angry at me.”

Elle says, “I have several shirts; I bet Haley does too, but hers might be too tight on you. Girls can wear boy’s clothes; it might not be fair but they can.”

I found going to the Christmas Eve Service with it ending at midnight with Communion to be very special. I said a little prayer, “O God, you know all about me. I pray that your Son came into the world for me too. Amen.”

To be continued…