TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 35

OLD LIFE TO NEW EXISTANCE

 © 2008 prairie_girl_64

NOTE: This final part of a long and gruelling chapter of my life. I will continue when I find the time after my surgery in a weeks time. God Bless everyone who have read this story. I am very appreciative of this opportunity. Thank You.

One might look back and say ‘What have I truly accomplished in my life?’ I can say with honesty, a lot. Looking back over the last 44 years of my menial existence on this planet we call earth, I am drawn into thinking, ‘What have I truly accomplished with my life?’. I have I suppose accomplished a lot. For one thing I had succeeded in dealing with years of abuse from my ‘Family’, almost two years of abuse while living on the streets, failed relationships with idiots. I survived a harrowing assault and rape that almost killed me. I have spent time in institutions due to failed suicide attempts. The time I went through a nasty trial, the heartache of continued PTSD. The angst and fear of relationships, my fears of My Illness MS and my Seizures. I have dealt with these issues with not so much finesse, nor style. What can I say about my life; up til this point in time, it SUCKED. I am honest about that. I suppose it begs to answer that question. What did I accomplish? My answer is one word. A LOT. I cannot answer it any other way than that. I am a survivor to an extent. I have demons that will carry me through til I am in the ground. My strength comes from what I knew on the streets when I was 15, I grew up so quickly. I never knew what a child did, I was never a child. I was never able to enjoy the childish games we all should enjoy at young ages. I was kept as a slave and a prostitute. I survived that shit. I became resilient to everything. My trust and faith was lost. My hopes were dashed by my ‘parents’. My aspirations diminished greatly with what they did to me. I became human when I left home. I had a true friend and sister in JENN. Her strength and compassion and support got me through a lot. What can I add to this about my past? It is just that, my past, it is a reminder of what was, what happened, a synopsis of time and a reminder to me of how shit can pile up and not get cleaned up off the shovel. I am a lonely cog in the wheel of life. Life will go on for me. From here on out I have no idea where it will lead.

In 1996 I had a successful surgery to complete the job that my ‘parents’ and ‘Jason’ had done to me. My greatest achievement. To be whole, that was nice to undergo.

In 2004, I wrote an impressive report on access and transportation. I have now become a published author. I also started on my autobiography that summer. I have 38 years of journals to wade through. These are not easy to digest even now. A lot of painful memories and tears have been shed. I have only made a small dent into them. What I have accomplished with going through most is what I present here. This is only a small account of things.

In 2006, after I had been in a wheelchair for almost 10 years, I was invited to attend a revival at the request of a woman whom lived in the accessible building I now reside in. Theresa was singing that sunny Sunday morning in August. The church was full, the music was inspiring. I have never heard such melodies before. I got to wonder if this was not my new path in my life. I began to wonder if all this time I was alone, with no guardian angels looking after me that this was where I needed to belong. You have to realize I had not stepped/wheeled into a church since I was 14 that was the last time I entered a place of worship. This was a wonderful experience for me. This was where I needed to be and belong. After all was done, I was introduced to several members of the church and the two pastors. Belinda and Darryl. They welcomed me to the church with open arms. I have attended Sundays for almost two years now and I was officially baptised on September 9, 2007. A huge accomplishment for me. Something I never would have pictured 30 years previous. I still attend to this day. I have shared my story with the church on several occasions. What lies for me next? I have no clue, it is not up to me, and well I guess it is. I will make do with what I can daily and take that as it is.

I look forward to what lies ahead for me, not with any anticipation mind you. I keep saying to all those I meet, I will “Rely on my street smarts education more than I will on my book smarts, any day of the week’ that is what I think and now know has gotten me to this point in my life. I guess you have to ask yourself the question as I have done many times in the last few years. Was this a Tragedy of the Spirit? Yes it was, was anything accomplished from this? Yes there was, I am still here. I have made my life out of that tragedy. My friend at church put this on me. “I am a phoenix, whom rose from the ashes to become an inspiration.” I guess I never really thought of things in that context. She drew me a large phoenix wall hanging that I have now above my bed above my cross. I am forever grateful to Nikki for that. My life was truly a tragedy; I now believe that there was a purpose. I came out of that hell and into a life I can believe as hope. I look forward to my remaining days where there will not be so much tragedy, but bliss.

THE END (FOR NOW)