He started out as Ronnie a boy caught trying to steal clothes from a woman’s clothing, so he could go to summer camp. …The consequences touched feelings that Ronnie didn’t acknowledge. …The journey at each turn deepens at each turn for Janelle’s new life.

Previously: The next morning as my doctor's releasing me, Cadence receives a large stuffed dog delivered to our room... Adin from Hanover, only ten miles away, is now showing interest in Cadence. Having dated Johnny, I knew it is only fair that Cadence has a boyfriend too. Now I knew how it hurts… I'm not ready to give my undying love to her, but I'm no longer in denial about her importance to me or that I might be a lesbian.

That afternoon at home I'm in a funk and stay to myself. Joy sought me out. “Hey Sis, Mom told me a boyfriend showed up for Cadence. I guess you’re experiencing those sensitive feelings a girl has on he downside of things? Coming at the same time as you’re feeling puffy must really stink.”

Now… It's good to be home as I soon heated up some leftovers that Dad usually ate. There would be dinner tonight but I passed up lunch the hospital to get warmed-up leftovers at home. Faith and Joy, not only taunt me, but each eats some of the food I want to eat. Their forks are soon in the sink when I complain, but it's a little late.

Faith asked if what I bought were for me or gifts. “I hope neither of you looked because most are gifts.”

Joy says, “They’re in our room. You should check and make sure they’re yours. The Rawlings was not sure whose was what.” I looked through the bags and packages, finding three bags that belonged to Cadence, mostly gifts for her older sister and her mom and dad. I held up two outfits that I knew Joyce would have liked that are for Cadence’s sister. I had bought a similar outfit for Joyce but in her colors. The top I show differ slightly again towards Joyce’s taste in clothes. Sure enough, Joyce comments on how she'd like them. The lone item for me from my items is a pair of fashion boots appropriate for winter weather.

I want to rest, but Mom reminds me I am behind on school work. It's mostly reading. I want to go back to the hospital to see Cadence. Dad said, “You have just seen her earlier in the day, just call her.”

“Dad, I have talked to her on the phone. She would have come back to the hospital to see me, if it were the other way,” I complain. Mom pats the couch next to her, “Come here Janelle, you need your own time to unwind and share if you wish.”

“Mom, it was awful to see that guy lose control of his car and come towards us. I thought it would have hit mostly on Mrs. Rawlings side. But I thought we all could have been badly hurt or killed. Mrs. Rawlings was super like you. Badly as she was hurt, she was quickly out and around the other side to get Cadence out but the door was jammed too hard. I climbed over the seat to her spot and helped Cadence as much as I could. Just think Mom, Cadence, her Mom, and Lace, I could have lost them all.” I am now crying uncontrollably. There wasn’t really anything Mom could do but hug me which she does so well. I'm still not used to a mom who cares.

I am exhausted by eight-thirty and was in bed before 9:30 that night. The next morning I want to show off my new boots at school, but I wear my long denim skirt. Other girls noticed them as did Cadence when I went to the hospital to see her. I wanted to change before I went but Dad is driving and he doesn’t understand my wanting to change. He says, “I thought you had been a boy before.” I didn’t say anything to him but it hurt to hear him say that like I was still to be a boy inside and it shouldn't matter.

It isn’t hard to put on a happy face for Cadence, being so happy to see her. I give her a big hug and kiss and don’t want to let go. She said, “It is okay Janelle, you’re first in my heart.”

I say back, “You didn’t need to say that.” She had tears in her eyes, “I wanted too plus Mom’s comfortable with you being my girlfriend.” Cadence also tell me she would be in the hospital one more day as her temperature had spiked last night and she would be on an antibiotic until the next morning. Grandma, Dr. Grant came in and assures me that Cadence is alight.

It's two weeks before Christmas when I receive a Christmas card from my mother in prison. What she wrote was a warm letter with it and sounded sincere. “Janelle, I look inside and around me to see in others how ugly I had become. I know I favored your brother and wanted you to be the daughter we didn’t have. I hope that is not why you became a girl. I have a counselor and she says that's not likely, but I’m sorry nonetheless. I would like to ask you to forgive me, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. A chaplain says God is gracious and that God forgives me, but I have trouble accepting that because it was you I hurt so much. I hope after a while you would even consider visiting me in prison.”

“I am not legally going to ask you to be my daughter. Mrs. Grant seems to be a very good Mom. I can see her and your new family have been very good for you. Your Aunt Marge says you were on the honor roll at mid-semester. The daughter of one of her friends says you are warm and friendly at school and that you have a lot of friends. Aunt Marge sent the newspaper article that shows your name for the honor roll and a picture of you as one of the Flag girls. You are very pretty and look like you could be one of the Grant girls by birth.”

I'm crying halfway through the letter and hug the card as I struggled to finish reading the card. I have an uneasy time sleeping tonight.

The next day, I don’t go with Cadence after school, but make my way to Mom’s shop. It's very busy, no surprise about the holidays. I help and stayed until Mom could take a break. I showed Mom my card and letter, “Would it be a problem or upset you to visit my mother in prison?”

Mom first listened to me and then asked me questions about how I felt about my mother. If I thought she was sincere. “You’ve been working through things with your counselor, do you think you could forgive your mother?”

I say, “I’ve kind of forgiven her in my heart, but I don't know if I can say it until I see her face to face. Part of me is still scared of her and my father. My mother didn’t do a lot of the really bad stuff but she let it happen and didn’t stop it!” My voice got louder at the last as I begin to cry. I know Mom should be back to her customers. I'm glad she didn’t leave me to go back to them.

Mom and I both cleaned ourselves up and put on new faces before we went and help with the last of the customers. Mom isn’t big on eating out, but she took me for a small dinner after work.

I have been very fortunate as the Grants have gone out of their way for me. I usually don’t ask much but I can’t help but think I’m taking things away from my sisters. Come Christmas I’m treated just like my sisters. But since being a girl is new for me, Christmas is extra sweet as a girl. It is the first time I’m excited about getting clothes at Christmas. I’m given a doll and Mom’s mom, Grandma Miller, has made a quilt for me. My doll is wrapped in it most of Christmas day and come night I hug it like Schroeder's security blanket.

Cadence and I exchanged friendship rings for Christmas. We plan to say good-bye to our boyfriends at the end of January. We didn’t want them feeling bad at Christmas. Plus we want to just celebrate more being best-girlfriends since we have a hard time thinking we’ll be girlfriends in love all through high school.

Lace is the one who feels most hurt as she and I are truly best friends. I guess there is no easy way of defining and redefining things all the time. Lace is my best friend without romantic feelings between us.

The Tuesday after Christmas Mom and Mr. Rawlings take me to Mom’s prison. Mr. Rawlings came with us thinking the first time we might not get to see her. I think he might have been right as it took an hour to see her. I was told at one point I wouldn’t see her today because they had to do a background check on me.

My mother has an ugly orange jumper on when she came out to see me. But she actually looks better. She has lost at least ten pounds and says it’s because she has tried to lose it. She brushes her hair differently. It is not like she gets to a nice salon. I wasn’t surprised that she said over and again that she was sorry, but the tears were something I hadn’t seen before. I’ve seen fake tears from her before but these weren’t them. It took me three tries but I finally was able to say, “Mom, I forgive you.” And I said it again as I left, “Mother, I forgive you and I hope you continue to get better.” Mom Grant had already said I could come back if I want.

New Year’s Eve became special for me; it’s the first one as Janelle I get to celebrate. I had been playing with my dolls all day. I even talked Cadence into reading two children’s books to my dollies and me. Mom came with a larger children’s book. “Cadence would you mind being a little girl along with Janelle. I’ve never gotten to read to her as a little girl.”

We sat in front of my Mom and I leaned back against Cadence. Mom's on a second story, a child’s version of Cinderella, when Cadence said, “It’s okay to cry Jan; you’re safe here.”

“I missed being a little girl,” I told her.

Mom waited, letting me cry. She told me later, “Caroline and I have talked, she would be comfortable sometime when you’re with Jenny that you took some time to play and relax as a little girl.”

I look at Cadence and I'm embarrassed by the little girl talk. “Janelle, Lacy and I have already seen you get in little girl mode. We can tell when you’re in a skirt and flop down with no concern for your panties showing. You usually do it on sleepover nights even before we change into our Teddy Bear pajamas.” Cadence goes on to tell me about one night I got pre-occupied with playing with the lone doll I had at that time. I remember the night she's talking about.

Joy had come in sometime during the visit, “It is overdue little Sis. I’m not embarrassed, I’m proud of you.” She has a hand behind her that she brought around when I asked about it. She had a baby’s bottle and it had warm milk in it. I was already leaning against Cadence. “No,” I said.

Joyce handed Cadence the bottle, I resisted just a little. That was around six o’clock and it was after eight when I woke up. Cadence had eaten with my family and I was snug in my quilt with my head on a stuffed animal as a pillow. I kind of felt silly but no one else thought anything of it. New Year’s Day was Thursday and Friday I was over at Caroline Nichols playing with Jenny. After Jenny models her new clothes and showed me other gifts, we played like little girls. Carol had me stop to have some tea with her later in the afternoon. “You don’t know Jan, you didn’t know Jenny before when she didn’t smile and show emotions. She's happier now even when she plays like a little girl. If she remembers her childhood as a little girl, I hope it is with the joy she feels now.”

“I’m happy for her too,” I said. “I’m more than a little embarrassed that I have fun playing like a little girl.”

“Janelle, I hope you don't think I’m talking down to you, but I think you have tried so hard to be a big teenager. You want to impress others, but I think there's an insecure little girl inside.” Carol takes hold of my hands.

“I know what it is like to be insecure Jan. I’ve been afraid to have another child for years, but no longer. Would you believe, if I told you I’m going to have a baby come late May?” Carol patted her tummy, asking if I wanted to feel the baby. All I could feel was the beginning of a bump.

She asks, “Do think you would like to be a mommy someday? I think you would be a very good mom.”

I smile at the thought, Carol thinks I would be a good Mom. I say, “Joy said you were such a good Mom. She knew you ached for Jenny, while to Jenny you only showed love.”

Carol has a big smile, “Joy told you that. Why would she have said that?”

“The first time was because I didn’t realize how important it was that you bought the dress for me.” I said, “Until she told me, I was in denial that I loved the dress you bought me.”

Carol smiled saying, “I didn’t realize it then that you weren’t a girl. It was only later that you decided you wanted to be a girl.”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Cross my heart, Janelle,” Caroline says.

“I prayed as I tried on the dress and it was fitted for me. I prayed that when you invited me to a dance that I would feel more fully like a girl when I wore it. Somehow I knew I wanted to be a girl. I thought if I pleased you then maybe it would be so. …It was two months later Joy and I talked about being with Jenny. Joyce said she had babysat with Jenny and she got to see how fantastic you were as a mother.”

That night our group went out to a dance. During one dance Johnny asks me to go steady just with him with emphasis on ‘just with him’. I knew his feelings were hurt, he was ready to get angry but I told him, “I’m sorry, there is no other boy, but I can’t lie to you and say I could.”

Johnny later said with puppy dog eyes that belied his size, “I thought we had something special.”

“We did and maybe still do, but I have love for another person and I need space if I'm to grow.”

Johnny half-smiles, “I wish it was with a guy; I’d go over and slug him. It probably wouldn’t help but I’d feel a little better.” I giggle as I gave him a hug and a kiss. Johnny returned the kiss and we both savored it for whatever it meant.

Cadence asks me, “What’s that about?”

“I’ll tell you later, but for now know things are good.”

It gets harder when I am around Cadence now, she is like the forbidden fruit I can see but not have. I knew if we made out and went as far as we wanted we’d feel a need to make out as often as we could. I thought it was just me but Cadence says it is the same for her and Lace giggles a bit when she notices us fighting our urges. Lace is again content to be my best friend. She now has a friend Jared.

All of us girls are enjoying the ability to choose when we want to do things just as us girls or with guy friends included. Pat is sometimes confused, not always sure he is in both groups, despite our assuring him he is. Molly and Lace are not above influencing him to dress favoring being one of the girls when we are going out just as our core group.

Wednesday after school and Saturday morning we’d be shopping at different places; Lace and Molly had cast the spell of their influence over Patty. Others were surprised how quickly Patty became one of us so strongly after we left school. I had no problem figuring out Pat had a worn a chemise under his shirt. His shirt was buttoned up during school and very open as we went shopping. Lace even had a pair of girl’s cross-trainers for him as well as a girl’s belt with a pretty sequin buckle.

I told Pat he didn’t need to do it; he said, “I get hassled less if I do. Sometimes it is fun to be like this around you girls. My sister Teri checks me over and gives me ideas frequently.”

“So are you seeing yourself more as a girl now,” I ask?

“Nope, it would be a rare day that I would enjoy wearing a bra. I like being a guy who hangs around you girls and kind of feeling like I’m one of you, yet not. I’m actually getting more guy friends now asking my help to understand and relate to girlfriends, sisters and other girls they’re close to. Last week when I said I couldn’t go out with you. It wasn’t exactly true. I went bowling and playing games with the guys.”

“They did give me a girls’ basketball to learn how to play the game better. When we went bowling and I used a fourteen-pound bowling ball; they were alright with that as well. It is kind of freeing not having to match other guys in doing things like them. Joe Stuart used a lighter ball and bowled his best game ever.”

“Does that mean we’re going to lose you to the guys,” I ask?

“Not likely, I found I’m hooked of having fun with you. I get kicks out of being in touch with my femme side. Being honest, I even enjoy dressing girly. Wearing a bra once in a while isn’t all bad, I just wish I had something inside them. Please don’t tell anyone,” Patty says.

Cadence asks, “Would you get a kick from going to the Winter Ball in February with us?” Pat and I turned quickly, we didn’t expect Cadence to be there. “Lace thought you might be ready for something like that.”

Pat looks at me saying, “How come she was here and didn’t say anything?” I quickly said, “I didn’t know.” Cadence nodded in agreement.

Cadence gave me a lite kiss, “Lace thought you knew but didn’t want to say anything. And I thought you were afraid of changing another boy over.” The three of us hugged and then sat in amusement. Cadence said, “Patty, we're going tomorrow to look for some pretty dresses. Most of us can’t afford gowns for the Ball and the Prom in the spring. You can be looking passively unless you find something.

Jan,” Cadence said to me, “your Mom should know of possibilities for inexpensive breast forms. I could probably help Patty get a date. He could go with our group unless he didn’t want to be made.”

Pat, “I will think about it, but as you said correctly I wouldn’t want to be made as going as a something less than a convincing girl. But I’m not sure I like the idea of a real date with a boy.”

She says, “Daniel Wriggly is a guy I know from Hanover; I think he would be open to taking you to the Winter Ball. He likes special events like that but Hanover is too small to have such a dance. I’m sure he’d even plan to take you to someplace special for dinner.

“What, is he, hard up or is there something wrong with him,” Pat asks?

Cadence tries not to giggle, “No,” she shows him a photo of him on her smart-phone. “He just doesn’t have the opportunity or knows how to connect with girls.”

Cadence is calling someone, “Dan, it’s your cousin, I have a girl wanting to dress up and go to our Winter Ball next month. But she doesn’t want to shop for a pretty dress unless she knows someone would be willing to take her.” “…Her name? It’s Carrie. Yes, it’s really Carol but.” “…You think you would. I’ll let her know and we can get back to you. …A date or two before then. I’m not sure but I could ask.”

I’m looking forward to the Winter Ball, but I’m too busy performing with ‘The High Steppers’ at basketball games as well as getting ready for state competition. We have two area competitions as preliminaries to State. They aren’t official but the results would be known and do go toward one’s seeding in state competition. We hosted a major event on the first Friday-Saturday of February, but all the judges are coming out of Philadelphia or Harrisburg. Our lone advantage is the home crowd but they hadn’t always seen our competing as being important.

I like what we do and see it as more exciting the more I understand all what we do and are judged on. We use our dance costume for this. Mrs. Riggs says our new dance uniforms will be in this Monday. Both costumes require a bikini cut for our personal area. My thought is if we have to shave so close then the uniform shows too much. Actually, once we get performing I don’t mind it as much as the stepping out in front of people and pausing for them to see us. And then having to watch our performances as we need to refine our performance and look closely for any flaws or miscues. I’m not comfortable watching myself, yet I can’t believe how much of a girl I’ve become.

Jamie from the university and some other women from the University come twice a week as practice judges. Thursday, Jamie brought Adrienne and Joyce knowing it would fluster me. It challenged me to focus on my performance. I lost it the first minute of our first dance, but my recovery set my focus for the rest of the night.

This was the first time since Joyce started exclusively going to the University that she didn’t stay at the University. I'm still her little sister but as she says my dancing shows her sister is growing up.

To be continued…