'Why me Mum?

Why Me?

By Susan Brown

‘Why me, Mum?’

‘What do you mean love?’

‘You know what I mean. Why am I stuck in this stupid hospital, wearing this silly gown thing that has no back to it and exposes my bum whenever I have to turn over, when I could be at home in my own room. I’m not ill, I don’t feel ill, well apart from my achy gut and that’s due to my appendix being taken out, but that was taken out a week ago. Most people who have their appendix ripped out are home after a day or two at most. I've been here over a week, I’ve been prodded, poked, stuck with needles and I glow in the dark after all the scans and x-rays done to me...’

‘Now, now Harry, don’t be dramatic.’

‘Me dramatic? Look I’m thirteen now and nobody is treating me like a teenager, more like a six year old and any time I ask what the hell is going on, all I get is that more tests are needed to see whether I am well enough to go home.’

‘That’s true dear; some more tests were needed...’

‘What for?’

‘What for?’

‘Yes, what for?’

‘Erm, because the doctors are concerned?’

‘About what?’

She hesitated, she wasn’t a good liar.

‘I can’t say at the moment.’

‘Why not, is it a state secret?’

‘No, of course not, but they want to make sure of their facts before they do or tell you anything.’

‘Well that’s helpful – not. And while I’m on the subject, who was that weirdo woman who came and sat down by me this morning.’

‘Oh you mean Doctor Miles?’

‘Yea, her with the beads and the hippy look that went out before even you were born. She kept asking how I was feeling and did I have any bad dreams. Then she asked some stooopid questions about do I prefer pink to blue and did I like playing with girls rather than boys...playing, I ask you; I’m not six. I don’t have many friends to hang out with; it just so happens that the two friends I do have are girls. Not that I see much of them because they go to a girls boarding school and I go to a boys one. So what? She even asked if I still wet the bed and when did I last use a dummy, soother thing! I ask you, do I look like I’m three?

‘Well dear you did wet your bed about a month ago at school; I had a letter from Matron...’

‘That was an accident, too much Pepsi. Anyway, she then asked if I missed Dad. I said yes, course I did, though I don’t remember him much as he died when I was just a kid.’

‘She’s just trying to find out about how you feel about things.’

‘What things?

‘Just things, look Harry don’t get twisted out of shape over this, the final test results will be in just after lunch and then your doctor will come and tell you the results, it’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure, just routine.’

I scratched an itchy nipple distractedly. She was holding back on me and for once, I couldn’t wheedle it out of her. This, I thought, must be serious.

‘So, I can get out and be released after lunch then?’

‘You make it sound like you’re in prison.’

‘It feels like it, but I don’t think I can be in prison.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘The food must be better in prison.’

So there I lay, in bed in a hospital room all by myself; waiting for the doctor to come. I was bored out of my mind, even though I had my iPad and phone and all the other essentials that a modern teenager couldn’t live without.

As I said before, I go to a boarding school and it’s the summer hols, that’s why I was at home, well I would be at home if I wasn’t stuck in the hospital having my vital fluids sucked from me and being zapped by every medical device known to man. It was funny, that doctor asking me who my friends were. I had no friends at school, I was considered to be a swot. I liked studying but didn’t like sports, a big no-no in a boy’s school. So I like to read and listen to classical music, that’s not too bad surely? The music thing is natural, as Mum is one of a select few conductors of a symphony orchestra after being first violinist for five years. My Dad had been a famous cellist in the same orchestra, but had died from an aneurism when I was six...

My phoned pinged. I had a message.

Coming home yet?

It was Anne, one of my two friends, the other one being her twin sister Kate.

Not yet, they won’t let me go home ‘til I see the doc this afternoon

That sucks

Yea, so what are you up to?

Not a lot. I get bored during the hols. We keep being dragged out to visit rellies

I know what you mean. At least I’ve avoided seeing my Nan while I’m in here

You like your Nan

‘Yea, I know, but she always thinks that I should act more manly

You’re only a kid

I’m thirteen the same age as you and anyway being a teenager is almost being an adult

Tell my Mum and Dad that. They still want me and Katy to wear the same dresses!

That’s so weird. Why would anyone want to copy someone else?

They think it’s cute. We don’t do cute! Anyway got to go. Mum wants to drag us around the shops. Speak later. If you do come home we can do something later.

Great, see you then – I hope!

Lunch came and went. I wasn’t feeling very hungry. Mum hadn’t come back yet, she was having a lunch meeting with someone or other; she was always doing that. She promised to be back before the doctor came to see me. That would evidently be about three o’clock. I lay back on my pillow. My tummy still felt a bit sore, a sort of dull ache and I was fed up and just wanted to go home and see Buster, my dog. Buster was a cross between a Labrador and something else, no one seemed to know what; but she was sandy coloured, short haired, long eared and totally daft. She hated walking on a lead, but take her to the park and she would run her legs off and find the nearest water to go and have a swim in. She also loves puddles, especially muddy ones and she would roll about making herself as dirty as possible in the shortest possible time. She also had the habit of rolling in unsavoury messes made by other animals and she was forever being told off about it.

I loved my Buster.

I must have drifted off as I was awoken by Mum coming into the room, looking flustered.

‘Has the doctor come yet?’

‘No,’ I replied, sitting up and yawning. Looking up at the clock, I could see that it was ten past three.

‘Oh good, the director kept going on about budgets and I couldn’t get away. I told him that I had to go, but he only likes the sound of his own voice and doesn’t pay much attention to anyone else.’

‘But, he’s your boyfriend.’

‘He’s a friend and technically he’s a man not a boy and yes we do occasionally go out...anyway, enough about me, how do you feel darling?’

‘My belly still aches, but that’s probably something to do with the butchery, this catheter thing is not very comfortable and I want it out now so that I can pee normally – well normally for me anyway; my nipples itch and feel a bit puffy and I feel that I want to throw that vase against the wall, but apart from that, I’m fine.’

‘Glad to hear that darling, oh here’s the doctor.’

Doctor Sullivan walked in together with another doctor; I could tell that she was a doctor because of the white coat and stethoscope slung around her neck. Clever aren’t I?

‘Hello Harry, how are you feeling?’ said Doc Sullivan.

‘Wonderful; can I go home now?’

‘Hmm, soon, I hope but not today.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we have a few issues we need to discuss with you and your mother.’

‘What issues?’ I asked; not able to keep the concern out of my voice. Was this a bucket list situation?

‘This is Doctor Wilson, over to you, doctor.’

Doctor Wilson came over and sat on the bed.

‘Well Harry, we have, as you know, done extensive tests on you. We did that because the surgeon who carried out your appendectomy noticed some irregularities down below.’

‘Below what?’

‘I’m talking about your groin region.’

‘Is that why I have a pipe coming out of my pee-pee hole and my wee-wee is going in a pee bottle?’

So I reverted to kiddy talk – shoot me.

‘Erm, that’s right. You have, I believe just turned thirteen?

I nodded, hadn’t she looked at my records?

‘There isn’t any easy way to say this, so I will just come out with it. We did some tests, keeping it simple, your testicles have not dropped and are very small, not that unusual even at your age but children develop at different times, some early and some late, so that alone wouldn’t have concerned us too much, but they were atrophied.’

‘What’s atrof whatsit?’

‘Withered, I suppose you can say.’

‘Yuk!’

‘Hmm, anyway, other indications were of concern to us too and all these factors flagged up warnings that had to be investigated further. Your penis is very small, tiny, in fact and I know that you have complained in the past of having problems urinating. On examination we found that you are showing all the classic signs of female puberty.

‘Femail?’

‘Yes...’

‘Puberty?’

That’s correct; now if I may continue, your breasts are puffy and I believe you have indicated that your nipples are itchy and you have been having pains in your belly. In addition to that, following some tests, we found that your testosterone hormone levels are very low but your oestrogens together with your progesterone levels are normal for a pubescent girl.

‘We did some scans and further tests and we have found that you have the reproductive organs of a female and that your male reproductive organs are not working. We also found that under your somewhat abnormal looking scrotal sac, you have a vaginal opening that is covered by a layer of skin. It’s strange that you were not diagnosed at birth that you had ambiguous genitalia or after that during routine medicals, but the fact is – you are what we call intersexed, a loose term which covers a lot of different situations, but for now, it will suffice.’

I looked at her and wondered what she was talking about. All these medical terms were making me feel dizzy, what was she trying to say. Looking around at my audience, I could see that they were waiting for some sort of response from me.

I gulped as her words finally penetrated me admittedly thick scull.

‘Virginal opening, male reproductive organs, intersex?’ what are you trying to tell me, that I’m a girl?’

I laughed, that would be an ironic joke to tell my friends at school, if I had any.

Mum came over and held my hand; not a good sign as she never was a touchy-feely person.

‘Harry, what the doctor said is true, they suspected that was the case, but wanted to do the tests to confirm it. We have some tough decisions to make, you and me.’

There appeared to be an elephant in the room.

‘So am I a boy or girl?’

There, I had said it now – the elephant looked pleased.

Doctor Sullivan spoke up.

‘Well Harry, the long and the short of it is that you aren’t a hundred percent boy or girl, but after looking at your results, we have come to the conclusion that you are much more a girl than a boy. As a man you would, I regret to say, never be able to be a father. You could be given male hormones, but you will never function fully as a man although you would muscle up a bit and grow hair on your face and there are certain other procedures, once you have stopped growing, that can help you get the outward look of a male, but they are not ideal and you can suffer complications should you decide to go down that route. However, if we can work things right and get your plumbing sorted out, you may, and I say may, as a woman, be able to be a mother, as you have the right equipment in there; although we won’t know if everything is in working order for quite some time. The pains you have been having are, believe it or not, period pains. You are of an age when lots of girls start having periods.’

‘Not boys though.’ I said helpfully.

‘Erm, right, anyway, it’s all a lot to take in and your medical team and your mother of course, will help you as much as possible. You have some important decisions to make though. No one is going to force you into anything, but you have to decide sooner rather than later whether you want to present as a male or female; the choice is yours and yours alone, but the sooner you decide the better. Whatever you decide though, we do need to operate on you to remove your testicles, which are malformed and could cause problems if left in place and also we have to sort out your internal plumbing, as blood and other matter needs to have an outlet and at the moment, it has no place to go ¬¬- not healthy.’

I looked around at their concerned faces and suddenly, I wanted to be alone. What I had heard had been a shock, one that I needed to think about and come to terms with.

‘Can I have a few minutes by myself?’ I asked softly, my voice sounding kind of quivery.

‘It’s alright to cry darling,’ said Mum as she stroked my rather fevered brow, ‘whatever you decide, I’ll be here for you. You’re my wonderful child and I love you more than anything. I’ll be out in the waiting room when you need me. We’ll get through this together.’

Mum gave me a kiss and then led the way out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The door closed and I was left by myself in the room.

I waited for a few moments staring at the ceiling and lost in my thoughts. I was truly alone and I knew that I wouldn’t be disturbed. I was lucky that I was in a private hospital room and I could have some privacy.

I had a bit of a cry.

The tears ran down my face as I looked at the future before me. The doctor asked me to choose between being a boy and a girl. I sobbed, my body heaving with emotion after hearing the life altering news that the doctors had imparted.

Things would never be the same for me again.

Boy or girl?

Girl or boy?

There wasn’t any contest about that. I knew as soon as I was told, what my decision would be. I intended to live my life as a girl, a hopefully fully functioning girl.

My tears were not tears of sorrow or loss, but of happiness. I would now be what I always thought I had been ever since I knew the difference...

My eyes shot open and through my tears, I smiled and punched the air.

‘I’m a real girl!’ I whispered.

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