Previously...

I rubbed my eyes and then noticed that no one was saying anything. I took my hands away from my face to find them all staring at me. Then I realised that my mouth had spoken without thinking and I had slipped up. My heart sort of flipped and I felt like I wanted to be sick.

‘What?’ I asked, looking from one to another, knowing without them saying anything that I had given the game away.

‘Carol, are...are you a boy?’ asked Claire in a strange voice.

And now the story continues…

The expression on their faces didn’t give anything away. They all looked as tired as I felt but also there was something else...puzzlement maybe?

There was nothing else for it; I would have to come clean. I just nodded my head, but before anyone could speak, I somehow found my voice.

‘Yes, physically I am a boy, I...I’m not like Helen though. He...she doesn’t want to be a girl and is very brave for pretending to be someone different. I have always been a girl my head, ever since I can remember. When I heard that boys were going to be rounded up and taken away, I realised that I would have to disguise myself as a girl, but knew in my heart that it was something that I have always wanted to do anyway and it was a good excuse to forget about being a boy and be the girl that I really am inside. Do you understand?’

I looked at them and they looked at each other.

‘So,’ said Glad, ‘you have boys’ bits but a girls’ brain?’

I nodded.

‘You actually like wearing dresses?’ asked Helen, sounding as if I needed my head examined.

I nodded.

‘It’s not just the clothes, but its how I am. I never really played with any boys and much preferred being with girls. That’s why I was so close to my sister...but she’s gone now...’

They were all quiet for a moment and I wondered how they felt about me, now that they knew my secret.

Nobody said anything, so I got up and collected my things, such as they were and started cramming my few bits and pieces into my small case.

‘What are you doing?’ asked Ethel.

‘Leaving.’

‘Why?’ asked Glad.

‘Because it’s obvious that you don’t want me here.’ I sniffed,

My eyes were watering for some reason, probably allergic to being upset.

They all started talking at once and it was only when Claire shouted, ‘belt up, you morons,’ that things quietened down a bit.

‘What the heck do you think that you are doing, running out on us like this?’ she asked sternly.

I looked up from my case and could see them all staring at me.

‘I’m not what I seemed and I lied to you.’

‘About what?’ asked Claire who had obviously appointed herself as Questioner In Chief?

‘I’m not a real girl, although I want to be one and always have. Inside my head I am a girl but my body says that I’m a boy. You can’t trust me. I didn’t trust you enough to tell you my secret. I’m sorry for that. Now I’m asking you to trust me to go all the way to Cornwall and you...’

‘Yes, yes,’ said Claire impatiently, ‘we know all the stuff about you being a boy inside your head, you just told us that, but that doesn’t mean that you leave us like this.’

I looked up from my case and could see them all staring at me as if I was an animal in a zoo or something.

‘S… So you want me to stay?’

‘Course,’ said Ethel, ‘otherwise, how will we get to your Nan’s?

The others all nodded.

‘Anyway,’ piped up a grinning Helen, ‘it's nice to have another sort of boy, even though you’re realty a girl inside. I won't feel so soppy wearing these horrible girlie clothes if someone else who has a willy has to wear the stupid stuff too!’

Everyone laughed – even me.

It seemed like my secret wasn’t going spoil things, after all and I felt squishy all over.

After all the kerfuffle over me, we spent a lot of time pouring over the map and decided after a heated debate that we would at least have a look at the trains in nearby Langley. According to the map there were some sidings there and we hoped that somehow we could get on a train, at least heading in the right direction and not towards central London where we knew was full of Germans!

Outside, it rained for hours and it was good in a way as that meant that it was less likely that the enemy would be moving about so much and it gave us time for some much needed rest. Even so, we knew that we would have to get moving before dawn as there was every chance that if we stayed where we were for any length of time, we would get caught out.

We took turns keeping lookout and I was the last one on watch before I had to wake everyone up, as it was high time to get going before unwelcome visitors came calling. Luckily, it had eventually stopped raining in the night, although everything outside still looked very wet.

After having a few biscuits washed down with lemonade for breakfast, we packed our things and were off well before dawn. We were all tired and achy from our travels and unaccustomed exercise but we knew that our lives depended on us keeping moving and one step ahead of the enemy.

After crossing the park we found ourselves on deserted streets. After about twenty minutes, we found ourselves going along Market Lane, where the road went under the railway, and luckily, we found that we could scramble up the embankment and onto the track.

Soon, we were standing on the track and by the light of the moon we could see the sidings where several trains, carriages and wagons were parked, if that’s the right word for it.

‘So, what train do we try to catch?’ asked Ethel.

‘That’s a point,’ said Glad, ‘they could be going anywhere or just parked up here for days or weeks.’

Helen seemed as if she was going to say something but she just shook her head and kept quiet.

We walked along the tracks and into the various carriages and wagons. Many of the trains seemed like they were ready to go. Some had crates and boxes of stuff in them, all sealed with swastikas and German writing on them.

One train we passed had steam coming out of the bottom of it and we could feel the heat of the fire even from where we stood. I wondered if it had just arrived or was ready to go somewhere. We hadn’t a clue which was the up line and which was the down one.

‘I think...’ said Helen.

‘Not now Helen,’ said Claire, being a bit of a bossy boots, ‘let’s take a chance and get on this train. The more we stay here the more likely that we’ll be caught.

‘Isn’t it strange that there are no guards?’ asked Glad, looking around.

‘You’re right,’ said Carol,’ it’s awfully quiet. Where is everyone?’

Almost if on cue, we heard a whistle sounding and almost immediately after, the sound of tramping boots – lots of them!

‘Quick, let’s get on the train before it’s too late!’ shouted Claire.

We were standing next to one of the box wagons and the sliding doors were open. Inside were lots of small and medium sized boxes. We didn’t stop to think but just scrambled up. Helen the last one in and then Glad and Ethel slide the door in place. None too soon as we heard the running steps outside and a lot of shouting.

We moved around some of the crates and managed to hide behind a pile of them. We were so worried that the wagon might be inspected and our makeshift hiding place revealed.

At first, it was dark inside the wagon and we couldn’t see much, but there were gaps in the side panels and we could see much better when floodlights outside were suddenly switched on. We did some more rearranging of the boxes, which were luckily not too heavy and then, effectively, we made an area behind the boxes in the corner where we could sit and wait to see what happened without too much risk of being caught, unless a lot of crates and boxes were moved out of the way.

No one talked. We were so concerned that we might be heard. We needn’t have worried though as there was so much noise coming from outside. We just held our collective breaths and wait to see what was going to happen.

I was scared witless, my mind going overboard with what might happen to us if we were found hiding in the wagon. I had no illusions that we would be sent on our way with a lollypop and a pat on the head. This was real life and if we weren’t shot or strung up on a lamppost for being out on curfew, we would at least be put in one of the prison camps that had been set up around the country.

We were all holding hands, for comfort; something that big strong boys wouldn’t do but something that came quite naturally as girls, even pretend ones like Helen and want-to-be ones like little me.

We all jumped at the sound of a train whistle. Then we were jolted to the side, as the train started moving!

The train blew another whistle as it gathered speed. Where we were going, I hadn’t a clue. We could be going back into London for all I knew, “out of the frying pan into the fire,” as my mum often said.

The noise as the wheels went over the points and then gathered even more speed, was tremendous, making it almost deafening and we couldn’t have held a conversation even if we wanted to. Through the gaps in the side of the wagon timbers, I could see that it was getting lighter outside, but it still wasn’t light enough to tell where we were going.

Where were we going?

Gradually it got lighter outsider and to our relief, rather than seeing lots of houses and other buildings, we appeared to be going into the country. Claire, who was a bit of a clever clogs, worked out from the position of the sun that we were heading west!

The noise from the train continued to be close to deafening in the uninsulated wagon and the smoke from the train was getting into our lungs, despite the fact that we were near the back of the train, but we weren’t complaining, we were on a our way!

After about two hours, we slowly stopped. We thought that this was it, trouble and that we would be found out, but it appeared that the engine was thirsty and it needed watering. Looking out, we could see that the train had stopped on a bend, by a water tower and was taking on water. The welcome quiet gave us time to at least whisper to each other.

‘This is a bit of luck,’ said Carol, ‘we could have gone the other way and then we would have been in a pickle.’

‘We could still be in trouble,’ cautioned Claire, ‘we still don’t have a clue where we are going. But it does seem like we’re heading west.’

‘We are heading west,’ said Helen and we are on the Paddington, Reading, Taunton to Exeter line.’

‘How do you know that?’ asked Glad, rather disbelievingly, I thought.

‘I’m a train spotter and I know my stuff, do you want to make something of it?’

‘Why didn’t you say something before?’

‘Nobody was listening to me,’ she said, looking pointedly at Claire.

‘Girls aren’t train spotters...oh sorry Helen,’ said Claire shamefacedly.

Helen just poked her tongue out and we all smiled.

You could see the boy in Helen coming out and he or rather she would have to watch it, or she could be caught out.

About the spotting thing, there were a couple of boys who used to live in my street and they were a bit fanatical about all things to do with trains, so I knew that if Helen said something to do with choo- choos and all things railway, she would probably be right.

‘Helen knows what she’s talking about, so we have to go by what she says.’ I said quickly, to defuse any further argument, ‘so hopefully, we are heading towards Exeter, if we don’t stop on the way. I suppose that they are using the trains because that’s the quickest way to cover the country. That means that there are probably some soldiers on the train, so we have to be extra careful and at any sign of trouble when we stop, we will have to get off sharpish and take cover.’

Nobody had a chance to argue about that as the train jerked suddenly and we were off again.

As we went along, we ate and drank from our meagre supply; it wasn’t much, but it kept the pangs away. I only hoped that we would be able to get away at the other end or wherever we were going and that we could find supplies that would allow us to carry on and give us the energy to get to my Nan’s house.

That made me wonder if she was still there or even alive. She was quite old, at least fifty and I wondered if we were going on a wild goose chase. She could have moved, been captured or even be dead for all I knew.

We were all a bit sleepy and in fact I think that we all eventually dropped off, despite the noise and the rattling of the train wheels over the tracks. Suddenly, there was a screeching of breaks and we all woke up. Ethel looked out through a crack and she whispered, ‘station, Taunton.’

There was plenty of noise with doors banging, a lot of shouting, I think in German, and the scraping of multiple boots. We hid ourselves away and made sure that the boxes and crates hid us from sight. Whether this would work we had no idea, but we hadn’t had a chance to get off the train and we would just have to take our chances.

What sounded like barked orders seemed to bring some sense of order to the noises outside and in a few minutes we heard the tramping of marching feet. We dared not look up from our hiding place to see what was going on and I admit to almost wetting myself with the fear of discovery.

The shouting and marching receded gradually into the distance and we started to relax a bit. Then, all of a sudden, the door of our wagon was slid open.

We all seemed to jump three feet when a German voice shouted something and then we heard a thump as the man got in the wagon and started shifting boxes about.

‘Gott in Himmel,’ I think he said.

He got nearer and nearer to us, muttering and I think swearing; well it all sounded like swearing to me, but what did I know? What I did know was that I was more scared than I had ever been since I saw our bombed house with my Mum and Sister buried under it.

There was a metal bar just behind us and Alison grabbed it. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to give in without a fight and I think that we all felt the same. A crate in front of me moved and I bunched my fist. Maybe I could hit him in the nose or something whilst Alison brain him and the others could pile in too...

I held my breath as I clutched Helen’s hand. She was shaking like a leaf or maybe it was me who was doing the shaking.

I was never much good at fighting...

This was it, discovery and then, who knew what. Hitting the man would definitely bring others down on us. Should we just give in?

If we did give in, would we be shot or perhaps put into an internment camp? What would happen to me and Helen when it was discovered that we had boy bits under our skirts?

Looking at the others, I could see that although they were as scared as I was, they were determined not to just give in. They meant to fight and that gave me a courage that I didn’t know I had and I just braced myself and waited for the inevitable discovery.

The crate in front of me started to move...

My heart was in my mouth and I didn’t know if I just wanted to cry or maybe just faint away from this nightmare.

Suddenly, there was a shout outside and it was answered by the man just in front of the crates we were cowering behind.

It sounded like he turned around and then he shouted something unintelligible. His footsteps went across the wagon and we could hear him jump down onto the stones by the side of the track, pull the door across and then run way from where we were hiding. Suddenly the train whistle blasted and the train started moving. We were on our way again and had just escaped discovery by the skin of our teeth.

As the train gathered speed, we all looked at each other and then Glad started laughing, followed by the rest of us. It wasn’t a natural laugh as it seemed to me almost hysterical. Maybe we needed that release and it was either that or crying our eyes out.

We had escaped discovery this time. I wondered how long our luck would hold and whether we would manage to find my Nan.

To be continued..?

Painting: The Spirit of London During the Blitz by Nettie Moon, 1979

Please leave comments and let me know if you want this to continue. Oh, and if you can, please do the kudo-thingie...thanks! ~Sue