There was silence for a moment and I winced slightly as Heather held my hand even tighter, if that was possible...


We Shall Fight On The Beaches...

Chapter 10

By Susan Brown

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This is an incomplete story that I have always meant to finish but never got around to it. I do not like to leave a story like that so I have, at long last, finished it. I will be publishing the rest of the story over the next three weeks or so. Thanks for your patience.

Previously...

There was silence for a moment and I winced slightly as Heather held my hand even tighter, if that was possible.

‘Well,’ said Claire, ‘Who would ever want to be a stupid boy anyway? Mind you, Heather, we saw you when you were dressed like a boy and let's face it, you didn’t look like a very good one, so welcome to the club!’

There was silence for a moment and then everyone started talking at once. If Helen had any worries about being accepted, she needn't have worried, as we all had a sort of mass hug. For some reason, we were all crying, but that was alright, girls are allowed to cry when they are sad and when they are happy.

It seemed like everyone agreed with Claire.

Helen was there to stay!

And now the story continues…

Days went into weeks where nothing much seemed to be happening. All of us girls wanted to do something, anything to hit back at the Germans. However, there were more and more of the enemy around and you couldn’t walk around a corner without bumping into the heavily armed soldiers.

Very little information was forthcoming about what was going on outside our small village. The men and boys of the village and surrounding areas had all gone now to a secret location that only a few locals knew about. I think that Nan knew, but she didn’t tell us as, according to her, the fewer people in the know, the better.

We were now back at school and although we grumbled about it at first, we at least had something to do now. Unfortunately though, the curriculum was controlled by our captors, or so they thought. There were about thirty girls and eight small boys in the school now and three teachers including my nan. She had made sure that the teachers were not Nazi sympathisers though. The only person in the pocket of the enemy was Albert Robbins.

Albert used to be the local paper editor, local being the Polperro and Looe areas. He still published his paper which was completely under the control of the enemy with nothing but propaganda and Nazi-friendly news. It was a very good paper for wiping one's bottom in the lavatory or maybe, at a pinch, to wrap fish and chips in, but not good for much else.

Anyway, he now combined running the paper with being the school secretary. He was, in fact, just being a spy for the Nazis. We found out later that he was a Black Shirt and had been for years, Black Shirts being the British Union of Fascists and National Socialists, led by the hated Oswald Moseley.

My Nan ran a constant battle with Albert about the running of the school and she tried, as much as possible, to keep him away from us pupils or anything to do with our education.

Apart from the teachers, we had several mothers helping out at the school. We also had lookouts who told us when any Germans were about to come into school, a thing that they did on occasion to make sure we were taught correctly.

We, in effect, had two curriculums. One was what the Germans wanted us to learn and the other, a true one, without the biased Nazi slant. This was difficult for some of the children, especially the younger ones who had no real idea as to what was going on. Those kids were more or less kept out of the loop and only taught the bare necessities, like English, German (unfortunately) maths, reading and writing.

What with Albert being around and the German snap inspections, times were hard at the school. Somehow though, once the authorities thought that we were towing the party line, inspections became fewer and fewer and Nan was able to give us all a more balanced education.

Life wasn’t easy. Although the war was effectively over, food was in short supply and rationing was reinstated after just a few months. It was rumoured that most of our menfolk unlucky enough to be caught by the enemy were used by the Germans for what was still called the war effort, which meant that they were shipped off somewhere to fight.

We had two Jewish families in the village including five children. We had heard of the horrors perpetrated on the Jews by the Nazis in our country and abroad. They were spirited away to safety shortly after the Germans entered the village. I just hoped that they were safe.

News of any sort was hard to come by. Radios were still working, but somehow the only news we were getting was via “official channels”. We believed that some of the wavelengths were somehow being blocked or jammed by the enemy, although we had no proof of that.

We came to hate the so-called news from the GBC, formally BBC. I grew to hate William Joyce or Lord Haw-Haw as he was known, for his regular broadcasts, spouting the poisonous so-called news that the Germans wanted us to hear, like the capture of even more countries and how wonderful it was to live with the benign rule under the flag of the swastika.

However, there was some sort of grapevine that did give us a somewhat truer version of what was happening in the world.

It appeared that we still had an active resistance throughout the country, which was relatively small compared to the occupying forces but nevertheless effective, with reports of stiff resistance in some areas. There were stories of railway tracks being blown up and bridges too.

A number of Hurricanes and Spitfires were kept in secret locations and had made several successful sorties against the enemy. Although information was sketchy, we were informed that they were a thorn in the side of the enemy and at least it gave us some cheer in what was a time of despair.

Abroad, it appeared that Norway was still free but we didn’t know for how long. Like Sweden, they were being threatened by extreme reprisals including atom bombs if they did not surrender. There was some speculation that Russia was in the process of another revolution against the German occupation and the enemy was sending large forces to quell it at great cost.

All these situations were rumours not based on concrete facts, except for the evidence of our resistance movement causing damage at strategic points. I liked the fact that we had not totally given in to the Nazi war machine.

So, normal life for us was going to school, coming home and not much else. Eventually, a bit more food became available, although there was still rationing. There was always some sort of food on the table, as not everything went through official channels. Nan managed to get a few luxury items like fresh fruit and the occasional leg of lamb. How she did this, we weren’t sure and never asked.

Both Helen and I were happy in our femininity and I think that we both found it hard to think of our past as anything other than being girls. Helen blossomed once she realised who and what she really was.

One afternoon after school, Nan called Helen and me into the kitchen away from the others.

‘Sit down girls.’ She said, pointing at the kitchen table.

We did as we asked, wondering what the problem was.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Nan, ‘you haven’t done anything wrong…’

Just then Alison walked in, biting on an apple.

‘Alison, go away and tell the others to stay out of the kitchen for a few moments.’

‘Why?’ she said, chewing.

‘Alison, mind your own business and do as you’re told and close the door after you.’

‘Sorry Auntie,’ she mumbled, turning a nice shade of red and leaving us alone.

‘Right, as I was saying. You aren’t in any trouble. I need to be sure that you're both happy being girls.’

‘Yes,’ I said.

‘Of course Auntie,’ said Helen.

‘You in particular Helen. Are you really sure that you want to be a girl for the rest of your life? After all, you hated dressing as a girl at first.’

‘I am a girl Auntie. It was as if my life before was a lie and I didn’t understand why. Once I accepted that I was different from other boys, I realised that I was never really one, if you know what I mean. Wearing dresses made me act like a girl and to me, after a while, it wasn’t an act anymore. I was being the real me. So yes, I want to stay a girl forever.’

She was so young, but she sounded like a girl much older than her years. It was a pity that we were forced into acting as adults many years before we should have.

‘Alright Helen, I’ll respect your wishes. Carol, I don’t need to ask you about this, do I?’

‘No Nan. I’m a girl and always have been.’

She looked at us and then nodded.

‘Right, get your coats on, we are going to see Doctor Arnold. She wants to see you about your situation.’

‘Situation?’ I said.

‘Yes, when you saw her last, she wasn’t able to have a chat with you about being girls rather than boys. She wants to help as much as she can. So, let’s go.’

I had seen Doctor Arnold once since moving down. She gave us girls a once over to see that we didn’t have anything wrong with us. She knew that Helen and I were not officially girls but made no remarks about it. I suspect that Nana had already filled her in on the situation.

She seemed very nice and gentle when we saw her last. I suppose that she was in her forties and I understood that her husband, also a doctor, had been killed early in the war. She was the only doctor that we had and I think that the whole village was thankful for that.

The other girls were busy cheating on some sort of board game and being noisy about it. We left the cottage unnoticed and made our way down the road.

As we turned into Landaviddy Lane we were stopped by a soldier. He had a submachine gun in his hand, known I believe as an MP40, and I think that he probably knew how to use it. He was a SS private; you tell by his collar badge.

‘Why are you here?’ he said with a Birmingham accent.

‘Going to see the doctor.’

He looked at us all and I tried to look as innocent as possible. Not easy as I would have cheerfully strangled him, given the chance.

He put his gun over his shoulder and stuck his hand out.

‘Papers,’

As a matter of course, we all carried our papers and we handed them over for inspection.

Nan had an expressionless face. It didn’t do to show any emotions to pigs like him.

He handed back the papers.

‘Move on and don’t forget the curfew.’

With that, he strutted off down the road like a peacock, I thought.

‘Auntie…’ said Helen.

‘Not now, later,’ replied Nan, tersely.

I think that I knew what Helen was about to say. The man in the SS uniform was English!

Soon after, we climbed up the step to the doctor's surgery, which just happened to be yet another cottage, where the doctor lived.

We knocked on the door and the doctor herself answered.

‘Ah.’ There you are; I thought that you might have got lost!’

‘We got stopped.’ Said Nan.

‘Soldiers?’

‘Just one, SS, English though.’

‘That’s a new one. Although I heard rumours. One day he’ll regret it.’

We all nodded as one.

‘Right, who’s first?’

I put my hand up, thinking, the sooner it’s over the better.

‘Right, come into my surgery. Rose, would you like to stay out here with Helen?’

I had forgotten that Nan’s name was Rose!

Nan just nodded and holding Helen's hand they went over and sat down on some chairs.

I sat down opposite the doctor. Between us was a desk with lots of medical-type stuff on it like a blood pressure monitor, stethoscope and kidney dishes. Together with some papers.

‘Right Carol. Take off your coat and put it on the back of your chair. We didn’t get a chance to talk when you last came here. I know something about your situation from Rose, but tell me in your own words why you believe that you are a girl rather than a boy?’

I won't go over again about why I knew that I was a girl, as I have mentioned this before in this journal but it took a good ten minutes before I had finished explaining.

She was taking notes whilst I spoke and I wondered in passing what she could have been writing down; that I was a nutcase maybe?

At long last, I had finished.

‘Thanks for telling me that Carol, it must have been hard. I am sorry to hear about your mum and sister. So, let’s have a look at you. Please take off your dress and underthings and jump up on the examination couch. Don’t worry, I’ve seen just about everything and there isn’t much that surprises me anymore!

She said that with a smile and she was reassuring, so I didn’t hesitate and did as I was told.

It felt strange sitting the wearing only my long white socks.

She took my blood pressure and had a listen to my chest. She then had a good look at my groin area and prodded me about a bit. She then had me stand up and cough whilst she held my hated boy bits.

‘Hmm,’ she said.

‘Hmm?’

‘Yes, I suppose you realise that your testicles haven’t dropped?’

‘My what?’

‘Testicles, balls if you like.’

‘Erm no,’ I replied not knowing what else to say and feeling a bit embarrassed.

Other boys when I was at school, mentioned stuff about balls and dicks and how wonderful they were; you know big and stuff like that. But I wasn’t into boy talk much and I had never had much interest in what boys talked about and I never looked at other boys tackle, as they put it, in the changing room.

So, when the doctor talked about my balls or testicles dropping, I wasn’t too sure what she was talking about as all I had was a penis and a sack underneath it.

She saw that I was confused and she spelt things out for me. She said that I should have, by now, testicles in my ball sack, but it hadn’t happened.

‘Have you never discussed birds and bees with your mum?’

‘Erm, no, what about them?’

I wondered what on Earth she was talking about and what it had to do with me.

‘Hmm, your education is a bit lacking. I will have to go into the whys and wherefores of that when I have a bit more time. This problem you have should have been picked up when you were small. Have you had any pain down below?’

‘No.’

‘Let me know if you do get pains down there. Anyway, back to your problems regarding your gender. I am no expert, they are hard to come by, but seeing you and how well you present as a girl and the fact that you have not started puberty yet lead me to believe that I may be able to help you, as long as you are absolutely sure that you want to live as a girl for the rest of your life.’

‘I am.’

She sighed, rubbed her eyes and then looked at a few papers on her desk.

‘Normally, I would say wait until you are older before making such a drastic decision, but these are strange times and the things that you and many other children have gone through make you more adult if you like and I believe able to make decisions now. In addition to that is the stark fact that it is safer, at the moment, to be seen as a girl rather than a boy. So I am agreeable to supply you with a drug that will help stop you from developing as a boy. The name of the drug is Premarin. This is normally used for women who have low hormones but it can and is used in some cases such as yours. I think that Rose told you that two other children living here have similar problems to yourself?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, if you wish I will start you on these pills and we’ll see how you go. So do you want to start the treatment?’

‘Yes please!’

She opened a drawer and handed me a box of pills and handed them to me.

‘Take one pill in the morning and one in the evening with food. Come and see me in a week's time, alright?’

‘Yes, thank you doctor,’ I said as I stood up.

‘Remember if you get any pains down below or a bad reaction to the pills, come and see me straight away, now go and ask Rose and Helen to come in. Oh and Carol,’

‘Yes?’

‘You are a very pretty girl and I think that your Mum and sister would be proud of you.’

‘Thanks,’ I replied with a lump in my throat.

I sat outside in the waiting room whilst Nan and Helen, who looked a bit scared went to see the doctor.

I was there for a long time and I read an old Country Life magazine from before the war. Everything seemed so normal. The countryside was lovely and the articles reflected the fact that the world was a happier place. Although there were mentions of Germany and the changes that were going on in that country it sounded positive and benign. I wondered if everyone was looking at the situation there with rose-tinted glasses. Germany had been an unhappy place since The Great War, called by many to be the war to end all wars. Well, it wasn’t that and from my understanding, Germany hated the settlement at the end of that conflict and it probably helped to fuel the new war.

I was reading the letters section of the old magazine where someone was complaining about the price of animal feed when Nan and Helen walked in.

Helen looked happy and so did Nan.

‘Hello,’ I said, looking at Helen, ‘alright?’

She nodded.

‘She thinks that I make a nice girl and if I still want to be one in a year or two, she’ll give me some pills. I told her that I was a girl and not a boy and she said, it certainly looked that way to her. I have to go and see her once a month to check up on how I was doing.’

‘Right you two, let’s get home. I hate to think what those girls are up to!’

Luckily we got home without being accosted by any soldiers and luckily, the cottage hadn’t been wrecked!

The others obviously wanted to know how we got on and we told them, although I didn’t go into detail about my missing bits. It was nice that they accepted the situation. For a long time now, we had been treated and accepted as girls by them and I felt so lucky to have a sort of a new family. Yes, they were my family now and I considered them to be my sisters. I only wished that my real-life sister was still with us but sadly it wasn’t to be and I would have to accept things as they were. There were others in much worse situations than mine and I would have to count myself as lucky.

We had a discussion about the soldier that stopped us.

‘He was English? shouted Alison.

‘Don’t shout Alison,’ said Nan, ‘yes he was. I find it hard to believe that anyone from this country would ever serve the Nazis but there it is. One day he and any others who help the enemy will get their just deserts. I only hope that he is in the minority. It was bad enough before the war with the Black Shirts and their poisonous doctrine. But girls, listen to me.’

We all looked at her serious face, wondering what she was going to say.

‘Do not under any circumstances show contempt or answer back to any soldiers, no matter where they come from. They are in power and they are ruthless. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but it will be a lesson for you. I know that you want to go out and harm the German cause and do some sabotage, but I want you to hold back for the moment.’

‘Why?’ asked Ethel and Glad together.

‘Last week in West Looe, a young girl was caught trying to let down tyres on an armoured car. She was captured and taken away. Her family was rounded up and taken too. All except the grandfather, a 63-year-old man with one leg that he lost fighting in the last terrible war. They strung him up in public and kept him swinging there for two days. Now I didn’t want to tell you this but this isn’t some sort of game or adventure, it's real life and death. When the time comes, we will do our bit and overthrow these animals, but we will pick our time and place, understood?’

She looked at our shocked faces. I felt physically sick at the thought of that poor man and his family. I felt so angry and I knew that the others did two, but we had to heed Nan’s warning. But when the time came, we knew that we would do all that we could to fight back and win back our country.

*

That evening I took my first pill and wondered when I would feel the effects. I hoped that it would be soon. I checked my breasts every morning for signs of them getting larger, but I was disappointed when things didn’t happen straight away. I should mention that I tend to be a little impatient!

Helen was really happy after the talk with the doctor. She didn’t seem too bothered that I was taking pills and she wasn’t. I think that she realised that she was too young, but that didn’t mean that given the chance, she would have them too!

Life continued for a while and the new normal was having to watch where we went and be expected to be stopped and questioned by the soldiers. Many evenings we sat around wondering how things were going on in the rest of the country and around the world. Things had gone very quiet and it was rare that we heard anything.

There were rumours, of course, we had no way to verify facts. For example, Russia had risen against the German occupiers and had taken Stalingrad and the reformed army was sweeping across Russia towards Moscow. Also, China and India had formed an unlikely alliance and were amassing forces to throw against Germany and its allies.

All this seemed unlikely to us as Russia was a vast country and we had no idea how the Russians would be able to obtain weapons and supplies. Still, it all gave us hope where hope had no place to be.

One day after school, rather than go home, I decided that I wanted to go somewhere quiet and just have some time to myself. The day was hot and I was wearing a particularly summery dress. It was an A-line puff-sleeve pink dress with tiny yellow flowers. I should have worn a slip, but it was too hot. The hem went down to just beneath my knees and it was made of a very light cotton. My hair by now, had reached my shoulders and I had it tied back with a pink ribbon bow. It was pretty yet practical and kept my hair off my neck in the warm weather.

Have I ever mentioned that I loved pink?

Anyway, I had a place, just around the headland where I liked to go and sit. There was a bench there and it was nice and quiet and I could just forget my troubles for a short time and just relax.

I climbed the steps and up the hill and then, a short way along, I turned a corner. The sea was blue and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I stopped for a moment to take in the view and then walked the hundred yards or so to get to my favourite bench around the bend.

I stopped suddenly; a German soldier was sitting on what I considered to be my bench!

He looked up at me. Then he stood up suddenly.

I turned to go.

‘Please stop. I was only resting.’

He spoke English with a slight German accent. He was young, very young. He couldn’t have been more than 18, maybe even younger. He didn’t look like he shaved much, if at all.

‘I…I’m sorry to disturb you.’ I said.

‘Please, come and sit. I am due back soon.’

I hesitantly went forward and sat awkwardly on the bench.

‘Can I join you?’

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Germans don’t normally ask, they tell or order you.

We sat there saying nothing. I didn’t know what to say if anything. How do you speak to the enemy?

‘Your dress is very pretty,’ he said, ‘oh sorry, I shouldn’t say that.’

‘Erm, thank you. It’s nice you think so.’

We sat there for a few moments more and then he coughed and spoke up.

‘This is a nice place to live but I wish I was back home.’

‘Where’s home?’

‘Quedlinburg.’

‘Where is that?’

‘Saxony-Anhalt. I suppose the nearest city is Leipzig. It is very pretty.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I had no choice, I was conscripted.’

‘You are young for the army?’

‘Sixteen, it used to be over seventeen, but no longer. There are men over sixty being called up also.’

He looked around, looking a bit frightened.

‘I want to go home to my mother. Father died fighting the Russians. It is only me and Mother now. I am frightened for her.’

I had no idea why this boy was confiding in me like this but I was intrigued by what he was saying.

‘I live with my Nan and sisters. I have no parents now. Dad was killed fighting and my Mum and erm, other sister died in the bombing of London.’

‘I am sorry. So many people dead and for what?’

‘I don’t know. I just want things to get better.’

I played with the hem of my dress as we talked.

‘Do other soldiers feel the same as you?’

‘Most do, but some are fanatical Nazis. You have to watch what you say around them. Most of our leaders are pigs.’

He said the last with venom.

He looked at me, stood up and smiled sadly.

‘I do not know why I have told you all this, but thank you for listening. I have to go; I am on duty and the Feldwebel will have my guts if I do not do my patrol as I should. Auf Wiedersehen Fraulein.’

With that, he walked off around the corner.

I never saw him again.

It left me wondering why he had chosen me of all people to talk about the things that were worrying him. I supposed that he could not talk of such things to fellow soldiers in case someone blabbed and told his superiors.

So, all was not well among the Germans. That was good, but I felt so sorry for the boy, he may be a soldier who could if ordered, kill others, but he was still just a scared boy. It reminded me that there were what I called normal, I might say decent people on both sides.

Please leave comments if you have the time. Oh, and if you can, please do the kudo-thingie...thanks! ~Sue